When someone is experiencing some kind of inner pain or drama, they can take a closer look at what is taking place and start to look for solutions, or they can focus on what is taking place around them. Through placing their attention on something or someone else, it can allow them to avoid their own life.
However, even though one is going to be neglecting their own life, the people around them might not notice what is taking place. This is partly because they could end up being seen as ‘selfless’.
Their behaviour can then be seen as an example of how someone should be, and this can allow them to receive positive feedback. Through receiving this kind of feedback, then can end up believing that they are doing the right thing.
Therefore, even though one is avoiding their own life, it is not something that they need to be concerned about. It can be something they can feel proud of, and if they start to experience problems, they can think about what they have been doing for others.
On the surface, it could look as though one is having a positive effect on others; yet if they were to take a closer look, they might find that is not the whole story. There is the chance that they are stopping people from doing what they need to be doing.
As a result of this, one be disempowering others, and they are then going to stop them from being able to move forward in their life. It can then be normal for other people to become dependent on them.
Based on how the other people see themselves, they might believe that it is not possible for them to handle life without their help. If they have this outlook, they are not going to want one to change.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that it is more like a parent-child relationship. The other people may have felt incapable for most of their life, and due to what is taking place within them, they going to be drawn to people who come across as strong.
If one was to come across someone who was going through a challenging time in their life, for instance, the other person might appreciate their support in the beginning. Yet as time passes, they are likely to realise that one’s behaviour is going to keep them stuck.
One will then need to change their behaviour if they want to stay in contact with them. Unless one takes a step back, focuses on their own needs and no longer sees the other as someone that needs to be ‘rescued’, it may only be a matter of time before the other person walks away.
If one has focused on others for most of their life, it could mean they are out of touch with what is taking place within them. They can know all about the needs of the people around them, and their needs can be a mystery,
However, just because they are out of touch with what is taking place within them; it doesn’t mean it won’t have an effect on their life. All that they are unwilling to acknowledge can end up being projected onto others.
When one is disconnected from what is within them, it can be normal for them to be out of touch with their shame. As a result of this, they can come across as shameless, and this means that one can end up believing that they are more-than others.
They are then the ones who have the ability to save others, and they might not be able to see why they are drawn to certain people. The reason they are drawn to these kinds of people is likely to be because it reminds them of what they have disconnected from.
If one believes they are above others, this is likely to be a sign that they feel as though they are below others. The image they present is then nothing more than an illusion, and all the time they avoid what is taking place at a deeper level, they will continue to be drawn to people who act as though they are below others.
One is then going to be out of touch with how they feel, and the people they spend their time with can be in touch with how they feel. The feelings that they express can then be a reflection of the feelings that one has disconnected from.
Up and Down
The false-self that one has created in order to avoid how they feel will allow them to feel good about themselves. If they were to let go of their false-self and to embrace their true feelings and needs, it could cause them to experience extreme pain.
Therefore, unless one has some kind of crises or an experience that makes them revaluate their life, they might stay the same. When this happens, the pain they experience through facing themselves won’t be as strong as the pain they would experience if they were to stay the same.
All the time that one is out of touch with their true-self, it is going to be a challenge for them to experience intimacy. They are going to be playing a role, and it is not going to be possible for them to feel connected to others through playing a role.
If they were to get in touch with their true needs, they might start to feel uncomfortable, and this is because they might feel ashamed of their needs. Rescuing others can also be an indirect way for them to fulfil their needs.
But while being there for others can be a way for one to fulfil their own needs, it is unlikely to work. One can end up feeling let down, and as though the other person is not giving them what they deserve.
If one wants to rescue themselves instead of trying to rescue other’s, it will be important for them to step back from what they have been doing. The pain that is within them will need to be processed, and this is something that can take palace with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.