While one can have a clear idea about kind of person they want to be with, it doesn’t mean they will end up with someone who meets their requirements. When this happens, the people around them may say that they expect too much, and this can then cause one to settle for less.
However, there is also the chance that this won’t have an effect on them, and they may wait until they find someone who matches up. Having said that, the people around may encourage them to maintain their standards and to wait until they find the ‘right’ one.
But even if one doesn’t have clear idea about the kind of person they want to be with, it doesn’t mean they will just go with anyone. They could be someone who just ‘knows’ whether another person is ‘right’ for them or not.
And although their approach is slightly different, they could still end up in a relationship that is not right for them. Or once again, they could wait until they find someone who is ‘right’ for them.
When one ends up in a relationship with someone who is not compatible, they are likely to wonder why they are with the other person. This doesn’t mean that certain parts of the relationship won’t be fulfilling though, as some of their needs may be met.
If they were to look at why they are with the other person, they may find that it because they don’t want to be on their own. Or it could be due to what the other person gives them, and this could relate to financial gain, for instance.
Part of them can then want to leave the other person, but another part of them can want to stay with them. Their mind may wonder what is going on and at the same time, their body can feel comfortable with how things are.
Therefore, while leaving the other person can seem like the ‘right’ thing for them to do, that’s about as far as it goes. In this case, it could be said that they are more concerned with feeling comfortable then they are with being happy.
If, on the other hand, one is in a relationship that is abusive, they might feel a greater need to walk away. It might not only be clear to them that the other person isn’t ‘right’ for them; it could also be clear to others.
Or it could be clear to others but not to them, and this could then be a sign that one is used to being abused. And if being treated in this way is ‘normal’, they might believe this is just how life is.
What this will show is that even though one may want to walk away, they are unlikely to believe that it is possible for them to do so. And through experiencing the abuse, one may feel as though they haven’t got the strength to leave.
It could be said that the sooner they walk away, the sooner they will get their strength back; but this might not be enough for them to put an end to this type of relationship. For example, one could leave and end having the need to return to the same person, or to find someone similar.
While this kind of behaviour may be hard for them to understand, it is likely to be a sign that they are carrying trauma. Their body and mind have then come to feel comfortable with experiences that are painful.
If they are not being exposed to these kinds of experiences, it will be normal for them to have withdrawal symptoms. On one hand, it will be important for them to leave the other person, and on the other hand, it will be important for them to heal the trauma that is within them.
Once one is different on the inside, they will be attracted to different people, and they will also attract people who are different. How long this takes can depend on what is taking place within them; what kind of help they receive and how they respond to the help they receive.
However, when it comes to healing trauma, it is unlikely to be something that takes place through focusing on the mind and changing one’s thoughts, for instance. This is likely to be a time where one will need to primarily heal what is taking place in their body.
When one is a relationship that is abusive, they can see themselves as the ‘victim’, and this means the other person is likely to be seen as the ‘perpetrator’. Through being a victim, one can feel as though they have no control; the perpetrator, on the other hand, can appear to have all the control
Yet, if one was to take a step back, they would see that these are just roles that have nothing to do with who each of them are. One may also find that there are moments where they are the perpetrator, and this then means the other person will come across as the victim.
Another thing that can take place in relationships that are abusive or dysfunctional, is that one person can end up being aware of what is going on and the person can have no awareness whatsoever. When this happens, one person will be able to see that what is taking place in the relationship is unhealthy or abusive, and it might not be possible for the other person to see what they are talking about.
This can also mean that they will be in touch with how they feel, whereas, the other person might be completely disconnected from how they feel. As a result of this, they may also display empathy and it might not be possible for the other person to do this.
How Is this Possible?
If someone has a certain amount of self-awareness, it might hard for them to fathom why they would end up in a relationship like this. They are going to have the need to work through their challenges, and because of this, it is going to be surprise when they end up with someone who is not even aware of their challenges, let alone willing to work through them.
The reason this kind of dynamic takes place can be due to the fact that self-awareness is something that one experiences through using their neocortex. However, when it comes to the kind of people they attract, it is often more about what is taking place in their body than it is their mind.
While one can have a good level of self-awareness, they might feel also feel as though they are worthless. And even though they are in different place to the other person when it comes to how aware they are; when it comes to how they feel about themselves, they can be coming from the same place.
The person who is aware can be in touch with their shame, and the person who is not aware can be disconnected from their shame. They are both likely to be in position where they are carrying toxic shame, and all the time this is the case, it is not going to be possible for them realise their inherent value.
The difference here is that if one has a certain level of self-awareness, they are more likely to reach out for support. Whereas, the other person is not as likely to do this, and this is because they are likely to project their disowned parts onto others and to see them as problem.
In order for one to let go of the toxic shame that is within them, it will be important for them to seek external assistance, and this can come from a therapist and/or a support group. This is likely to be a time where one faces their toxic shame until the charge begins to discharge, and they may also have unmet childhood needs to mourn.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.