Relationships: Why Do Some People Who Have Empathy End Up With People Who Don't Have Empathy?

When someone has the ability to empathise with others, they might expect to attract people into their life who are the same. But while they can have this outlook, it doesn’t mean that this is what will take place.

Instead, they can end up attracting people who are the completely opposite, and this can make them
wonder what is going on. For one thing, it is often said that ‘like attracts like’ and if this is the case, then surely one shouldn’t be experiencing life as they are.

The Other Side

At the same time, there are going to be people who can not only empathise with others, but they can also attract people who can empathise with them. When this happens, their relationships are likely to be in balance.

In this case, it could be said that the saying ‘like attracts like’ is accurate, and this means their relationships are going to be far more fulfilling. While they will still experience conflict and have moments where they disagree with the people they are close to, they are unlikely to experience abuse.

Abuse

Whereas when one attracts people who are unable to empathise with them, they could end up being abused. This is then going to mean that their relationships are not very fulfilling and they could find it hard to feel good about themselves.

On one hand, it could be said that they are opening their heart to others and taking care of their needs, and on the other hand, they are being treated as though they are doing something wrong. Their behaviour is life-affirming but based on how they experience life; it’s as if their behaviour is life-denying.

Different Experiences

This is not to say that they won’t come across people from time to time who do have empathy, but what this is likely to mean is that they are unable to attract someone into their life who behaves in the same way. When one can attract someone into their life who has empathy, they may meet people from time to time who can’t empathise.

Therefore, each person is having a radically different experience on this planet, and this could be how they have always experienced life. Each person could believe that how they experience life is how everyone experiences life.

Another Outlook

Alternatively, they could see that not everyone experiences life as they do, and while it could cause them to wonder why this is, this might be as far as it goes. Yet if one always ends up with people who can’t empathise, they might have a greater need to find out why they are experiencing life in this way.

What this comes down to is that if one is able to attract people who can empathise, they are less likely to think about this area of life. Whereas when this isn’t the case, it is going to cause one to experience pain, and this pain can then give them the reason to look for answers.

An Analogy

For example, when one’s car is running smoothly, they are not going to need to look under the bonnet. But if they were unable to start their car or if they experienced a loss of power, for instance, they can end up having the need to find out more.

At the same time, they could simply take it to the garage and let them deal with it. They can then pick up their car once it has been repaired and carry on with the rest to their life.

A Different Outcome

In this case, it won’t matter if they find out about what was wrong, and this is because the garage will have fixed the problem. Yet if one ends up with people who can’t empathise and they just overlooked what is taking place, they will continue to suffer.

Therefore, it will be important for them to look into why they are experience life as they are; if they don’t, no one else is going to take care of the problem for them. What can stop them from moving forward is if they believe that they are unlucky, or if they feel hopeless.

Energy

When this happens, it could be said that their energy is being focused inward and as a result of this, they could end up feeling depressed. Another thing they could do is to channel their energy toward others, and this could cause to feel angry.

It could then be normal for them to blame other people and to see them as the problem. But while this can allow them to experience a sense of power, it won’t allow them to change their life.

A Deeper Look

If one was to take the time to reflect on what is taking place and to ask themselves when they first started to experience life in this way, their attention might go back to their childhood years. During this time, they may have had a caregiver who also lacked empathy and this would then have meant that their needs were neglected.

Thus, even though they were only a child, they would have had to take care of their caregivers needs. Along with this, they may also have been abused in some way, and this would have set them up to feel worthless.

Two Sides

As a result of these early experiences, one can believe that the only way for them to survive is to focus on other people’s needs. Through feeling as though they are inherently flawed, they are not going to believe that they deserve to have their own needs met.

These experiences would also have stopped them from being able to develop boundaries, and this can then cause them to lose themselves around others and to put up with people who walk all over them. Through not getting the attunement that they needed to develop, it could also have stopped them from being able to develop a strong sense of self.  

Awareness

In order for one to change what is taking place and to attract people who have empathy, it might be necessary for them to reach out for support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
​
This can be a time where they will be grieving unmet childhood needs and healing trauma. 

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/