When a woman has the tendency to end up with men who are unavailable, it is naturally going to have a negative effect on her wellbeing. Her desire to be with a man who is available is not going to be met, so it is to be expected that this won’t be something that she can simply overlook.
If this was something that had only happened once, there would be no reason for her to get too caught up in what has taken peace. For one thing, not every man she is drawn to is going to be available.
She could be at the beginning of her life, which will make it easier for her to look to the future and to think about how this area of her life will change. It is then not that this is how her life will always be; it is just a stage of her life.
However, if this is not the case and the she has had this experience on more than one occasion, it can be harder for her to experience hope for the future. The years will have passed, yet this area of her life will have stayed the same.
A Brick Wall
As a result of this, it might not matter if she is at the beginning of her life or past this stage, as it will be a challenge for her to feel as though she has any control over this area of her life. It might seem as though the only way her life will change if is she meets a man who is different.
The solution that she needs to solve this challenge is then going to be ‘out there’ somewhere. If she was to think about when she was last with a guy who was not really there, she may find that it wasn’t too long ago.
The Right Description
But while a man like this is going to be unavailable, she may prefer to describe a man like as ‘aloof’. Ultimately, when she is with a man like this, it is likely to be hard for her to know where she stands.
The term ‘hot cold behaviour’ is going to be apt, as one moment he will show interest and in the next moment he will be distant. Another way of looking at it would be to say that there are times when he is on this earth and times when he is on another planet.
Modern Day Technology
This can take place when she can’t get hold of him and it can take place when he is physically there but mentally and emotionally somewhere else. Smartphone’s and other devices will give him the ability to show up and then to disappear, without having to worry about responding at a certain time.
When he doesn’t respond, she may find that it is not possible for her to focus on other areas of her life. Her presence is then going to be consumed by a man who is not present – how ironic.
All at Sea
So, the man is not going to show up much, but he will still have a lot of control over her attention and emotional state. At times, she may see that he is like a puppet master and she is like a puppet; with her strings going pulled by him.
When he shows up, she can feel good about herself and as though her life is going in the right direction, and, when he doesn’t, she can feel down and as though her life is not going anywhere. She is likely to experience the type of drama that is often seen in sitcoms and films, for instance.
Dangling the Carrot
There may have been moments when she has called him up on his behaviour, only for him to say the same thing each time: that he will change. Alternatively, he might end up invalidating her experience and make out that it is all in her head or that she is too needy.
If she was to open up to her friends and family about what has been taking place in this area of her life, she may end up being told that she deserves better. Still, simply walking away and finding someone else is unlikely to lead to a different outcome.
What is patently clear is that this man - along with the other men that she has been with – finds it hard to fully show up when he is with a woman. Nevertheless, if she was focus solely on what is going on for him, or any of the other men she has been with who behaved in a similar manner, it is unlikely to transform her life.
If she was to reflect on the type of men she has attracted and then to bring her focus back to herself, and then to look into why she has tendency to be drawn to men who are like this, she will be able to gradually change her life. At a deeper level, what she is likely to find is that being with a man like this is what feels comfortable.
Beyond The Mind
Her mind could say that this is not the case and this may cause her to become defensive. Yet, if she was able to detach from what is taking place in her mind and to connect to her body, she may soon begin to see why her life is like this.
During this time, she may find that her inner child doesn’t want to be seen, with this being why she is drawn to men who are absent in one way or another. Through being with a man who is not fully present, she won’t have to worry about being seen.
This dynamic will both baffle and frustrate her adult self, but her child self will feel at home with it. And, no matter how many years have passed since she was a child, this child part of her will still have a lot of control over her life.
This part of her will give her all the answers she needs when it comes to why this area of her life is the way it is. Connecting to this part of herself can take time, but it will be worth it.
At the beginning of her life, it wouldn’t have been safe enough for her to reveal her true-self. Instead, she would have needed to create a false-self; this would have been a way her to handle living in an environment that wasn’t safe and secure.
She probably came to believe that there was something inherently wrong with her being. Thus, who she was had to be hidden and this would have stopped her from being able to be fully present.
There may have been abuse and/or neglect, and it would have been even harder for her to have handled this if she was a sensitive child. For her to be able to be able to fully show up in life and thereby to attract a man who can do the same, she will need to embrace her inherent value and to feel safe in her body.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.