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Relationships: Why Do Some Women Attract Controlling Men?

3/7/2013

44 Comments

 
Although a woman can want to experience a relationship with a man that is healthy and functional, there are numerous things that can get in the way if this actually taking place. And one of these things is when a man is controlling.

To a one degree or another, both men and women are controlling. But this is not bad or dysfunctional per se. What can lead to problems is when a healthy sense of control gets out of hand and goes to the extreme. When this happens, it is inevitably going to lead to problems.

First Impressions

How a man first appears can often be the complete opposite of who they will later become. At first they may come across as: assertive, caring, confident, strong and generous for instance. And these kinds of traits are going to be appealing and enough to attract a woman. But while this may be how they appear at first, over time their behaviour can change and take on a different form.

As to how long this transition will take can depend on numerous factors. Some women will notice it is within a very short time. And for others, this may have to occur for a long time before they are aware of what is taking place. A woman may only notice what is going on after a friend or family member points out what is going on; as they could be unaware of it themselves.

Patterns

And upon close inspection, what may become clear is how there is certain patterns involved. This can relate to the kind of men that they are attracted to and when they start to feel that they are being controlled. It may also be seen in certain areas of their life and in where a man is controlling and where he isn’t controlling.

There may even be some men who want complete control and don’t allow any kind of freedom of expression to occur. This will be in extreme cases and some men will be more subtle in their control.

The Story

So while these patterns can enable one to get a better understanding of what is taking place and that what is taking place is not simply random, they can also be interpreted in another way. What this means is that the mind can use them as a sign that one is a victim and that one has no control over what is happening.

The mind observes reality and then forms ideas about what it sees. These ideas are not necessarily the truth, but they can sound accurate and logical. For if a women is constantly attracting men who are controlling, it would be normal to believe that they are unlucky and powerless to do anything about it.

Under The Surface

And if this is the only understanding that a woman has, it is unlikely that they will attract a man that is not controlling. Because while the minds ideas about what is taking place can sound appropriate and validate what is taking place; there is something else going on. This is typically going on at an unconscious level and out of one’s awareness.

Here, it will relate to what feels safe and what feels safe is what is familiar. So the reason one is with a controlling men or they keep showing up is because it feels right at a deeper level. This realisation will be known through connecting with one’s body. The mind will not have this understanding; as the mind sees everything as separate and disconnected.

Causes

To look at this challenge through the eyes of an adult is unlikely to make much sense. This is due it being something that often has its roots in a woman’s childhood years. And the kind of relationship that they had with their father will often define what their relationships will be like with men.

So for a woman that is attracted to controlling men, it could be that in most cases, the attention that they received from their father was based on some kind of control or compromise. Perhaps their father was: smothering or overwhelming and had boundary problems. This then became associated as what is familiar and therefore safe to the mind.

And as this was the only kind of behaviour that they saw as a child, it also became known as what love is. At such a young age, it is not possible to question what is taking place. It is simply internalised and perceived as what is normal and how things are.

Love

These early experiences will have shaped a women’s idea of what love is and what is not love. But of course, these meanings are typically going on at an unconscious level and won’t be consciously known. Through so many years having passed, one can lose all awareness of what took place during those formative years.

So as control is what feels familiar and safe, if a man wasn’t controlling, it could feel like rejection or that one is being abandoned and left alone. Love means control and if control is not taking place then it might not feel right.

Attraction

It is these associations that are causing a woman to attract and to be attracted to men that are controlling. There is nothing random about the whole thing; it is often just the result of what a woman became comfortable with as a child.

Awareness

Even though this may have been how love was experienced as a child for a woman, it would have included a certain amount of emotional pain. This could have included feeling: rejected, abandoned, betrayed and violated.

These feelings would have had to have been repressed; because if they were revealed it may have lead to further control or even isolation. But these feelings haven’t disappeared; they will have remained in the body.

Once these feelings are released and one no longer feels comfortable with this kind of love, a woman will no longer be attracted to or attract men who are controlling. This process can be undertaken through the assistance of a therapist, healer, coach or a trusted friend. Or through some kind of self study and in letting go of these old ways of being. The kind of help that one needs will all depend on how much of a challenge this is.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. 

Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
44 Comments
Donna
29/12/2013 06:11:55 pm

I feel this has been of value :) Thank you, I appreciate it.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
30/12/2013 01:45:32 am

Hello Donna,

thank you for getting in touch and for your feedback. I am pleased it has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Donna
12/10/2015 11:42:40 pm

I learn I was being to passive, don't make waves it's going so good, giving up my boundaries, letting him find everything wrong with me , you know what the signs were always there slow and subtle gestures to devalued me , I am not going to be passive anymore and keep to my standards.

Reply
Sara
10/1/2014 08:13:06 am

Having been in two relationships in a row with controlling men, it has made me question what is it about me that draws me to them and also attracts them to me.

This has been extremely helpful, thank you. On one level I already knew that my early relationship dynamics have had a big impact on my relationships as an adult, but I now appreciate to a greater extent how 'safe' I feel around controlling men and how I (wrongly) believed controlling behaviour = love. It just gets me one step closer.
Thanks again.
Sara

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
10/1/2014 10:43:09 am

Hello Sara,

I'm pleased to hear that you have been assisted by this article. Now you have the chance to experience a different kind of relationship with a man.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
mellie
25/2/2014 07:25:47 pm

ON my second major relationship where there is too much contorl on his part. I should have realized his RELENTLESS pursuit of me was just that. Here I thought he just knew what he wanted! Not sure if worth continuing on because the behavior has been admitted and identified by him, but not ADDRESSED. I am too old, too tired after a controlling, long marriage. he still wants to councel. I am tirrrred.I want to be on my own.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
26/2/2014 04:39:47 am

Hello Mellie,

there is a lot going on here. I hope you do what is best for you. And whether that is through having some kind of counselling or not, is something only you can decide.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Barbara Darda
1/5/2014 05:57:11 am

I just got out of yet another controlling relationship. Wow -- this one really took the cake! I have had 3 in a row -- and thanks to this insightful article, I now realize how much my incredibly controlling and abusive father shaped me and my idea of a man and "love". I am in self-study and am determined to remain on my own until I can create a new understanding and attract the type of man I want and deserve. It is oh so much better to be alone than to be in a controlling relationship. God help me...and thanks to Mr. Oliver.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
1/5/2014 06:10:17 am

Hello Barbara,

thank for getting in touch and for sharing this.

I am pleased that this article has helped you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Dianna
16/7/2014 08:19:26 pm

Hello Oliver, I really enjoyed your article on this particular subject, however, after reading it all, it left me with a question...

..how did women perceive love growing up without a father?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
17/7/2014 02:30:16 am

Hello Dianna,

thank you for your feedback. I suppose there could be all kinds of meanings as to how a woman would interpret not having a father.

And at that age, it is often taken personally. So perhaps the woman thinks that there is something wrong with her and/or that she doesn't deserve a father (and then later a man). We are all different,

If you need anything else, feel free to contact me.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Keesh
25/7/2014 10:33:29 am

I truly appreciated this. Very helpful. Also true. Humbled. I wanna heal from it . Help

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
25/7/2014 11:33:43 am

Hello Keesh,

thank you for getting in touch. I am pleased that this article has helped you. if there is anything else I can do, feel free to contact me via the contact page.

Oliver

Reply
Taylor link
7/9/2014 01:13:54 pm

Thanks u for this article. It's helped me a lot with a realization I relized latly. I like men who control there girls and I didn't relize this till now . This helped me relize why . Thanks again

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
7/9/2014 01:39:06 pm

Hello Taylor,

thanks for getting in touch. I am pleased you have arrived at a new understanding.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Melanie Carroll
22/12/2014 11:13:58 am

This was very helpful and a self realization In order to find ways to continue to keep away from such unhealthy, self-destructive relationships

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
22/12/2014 05:05:35 pm

Hello Melanie,

thanks for getting in touch. I'm pleased to hear that this article has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Gin
8/2/2015 05:02:24 am

I agree with Sara and her comment. I really want change and this article was a good read to help me understand how to reset what I am attracting. Thanks!

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
8/2/2015 05:09:38 am

Hello Gin,

thank you for your comment. I'm pleased it has assisted you.

Oliver

Reply
Alexis
25/6/2015 10:13:01 am

Having finally found the courage to leave a 10-year relationship/marriage with a controlling man (typical Alpha male, I gave up a good career to be a stay-at-home mum, lost all sense of who I was, no friends yada yada) I found myself in a re-bound relationship with what I thought was the total opposite kind of man. Emotionally-available, caring, considerate and very 'modern' in terms of his views on what women were capable of in the world. However, after 5 months, it dawns on me that he is in fact another controlling type, just wearing a different mask. This one emotionally manipulates me into staying with him, makes me endure his panic attacks whilst we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves on dates, and then says it's all because "he loves me".

Wow...I need a man-ban. I haven't actually been single since I was 16!

(p.s. yes I'm getting councelling lol!!!)

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
25/6/2015 12:53:31 pm

Hello Alexis,

thanks for getting in touch. I am sorry to hear abut your current situation.

However, the main thing is you realise it is not right and you are getting assistance.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
E
9/9/2015 07:59:32 am

This has definitely been helpful to me. It hits a lot of ideas in just a few words. I now realize which factors in my childhood conditioned me to be attracted to controllers.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
9/9/2015 11:17:42 am

Hello E,

Thank you for your comment, and i'm pleased to hear that this has been helpful to you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Nora
24/12/2015 06:59:09 am

I read your article with interest. I have fallen into a long-standing pattern of being with controlling or emotionally abusive or otherwise toxic relationships. I am well aware of the dynamics in these relationships and the fact that the basis for my involvement in these are my relationships with my parents. My mother has a narcissistic personality disorder and my father was very very controlling. There was really very little room for 'me' growing up. I have been in therapy a number of times to try to change this pattern, even with a specialist in abusive relationships. I find however that I am continuing to attract this type of man and to be attracted to this kind of man. Other types of men that are not controlling or domineering or persistent seem less than masculine to me? I'm not really sure. All I know is that whole 'chemistry' thing that people talk about only occurs when I'm in this type of relationship. My most recent relationship only lasted three weeks because I was so aware of the dynamics that I was starting to get anxiety attacks. So I ended it. But I still got involved in it in the first place and I saw red flags from day one. I'm currently on an online dating site. I really don't know what to do about this issue. And I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
25/12/2015 02:30:01 pm

Hello Nora,

thanks for reaching out.

The main thing is that you are aware of the external dynamics. As you know, the next step is to put an end to this.

My suggestion would be to keep looking for answers and not to give up. What you have done so far has not put this to an end but if you keep going, you will put this to an end .

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Cathy
2/11/2016 05:12:15 pm

The article was very insightful, thank- you. I am attracted to controlling men because I feel safe and secure with them. My friend says I always pick the assholes and she can't understand it. I'm not attracted to a man who is not alpha and controlling UNLESS he is really fun and carefree but that doesn't end well for me, either. As far as my childhood, my father was great. He was not abusive at all. He was always joking around with us. My parents had 9 children and had an old fashioned, traditional relationship. Dad provided and Mom took care of the household. Maybe it's the hardcore traditional roles that influenced me? I am not a passive woman by any means. I've just learned recently, or admitted to myself, that I enjoy being submissive at times and not in control. This bothers me to some extent because women have come so far! I feel like I'm backsliding because I like it...at times. It confuses the crap out of me and I usually end the relationship if he doesn't. PS) I was married for over 25 years to a controlling man and now I'm free and it does feel good. I'm a mess, right?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
2/11/2016 06:22:47 pm

Hello Cathy,

thank you for your comment.

I dont believe that there is anything wrong with you having the need to be 'submissive at times and not in control'. That's as long as you are with a man who respects you.

As no matter how far we have come, it is not going to eradicate what has been taking place for so long between men and women. After all, men and women are not the same.

If this is something you want to look into, it might be a good idea for you to work with a therapist.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Cathy
3/11/2016 04:36:37 am

Oliver,

Thanks for your quick reply! I am starting therapy and hopefully, will get to the bottom of this. At this point in my life, I've gone pretty extreme ( for me) with being submissive. Yet, I still feel like I have control due to the fact that I can stop this behavior if I choose. However, always picking alpha, controlling men is not a good thing. Therefore I am conflicted. Hello....therapy!!

Reply
Susanna
12/11/2016 08:01:25 am

Hi Oliver,

At age 41, I am in the process of admitting to myself that abuse feels comfortable for me, but this is extremely shameful. I didn't have a voice as a child and because the abuser was actively protected, I grew up with a complete lack of self worth and respect. I am so fearful of rejection that I will do absolutely anything in an attempt to feel 'loved.' It's crazy to say that, although I can always spot a man's controlling and disrespectful behaviour towards me, I am also an expert in detaching from the pain it causes. I have such an overwhelming desire to please that I will try and be the best 'controlled' person that I can possibly be and because of this I don't seem to have my own identity. It's sad knowing that I have this internal self destruct button and all I want now is the insight to be able to deactivate it. I know that when I do, I will finally be able to take part in my life rather than just watching it pass me by.

Thank you for helping me find my voice and best wishes,

Susanna

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
14/11/2016 12:18:50 pm

Hello Susanna,

thank you for your comment.

I understand what you are going though, and it sounds like you are now on the right track. Keep up the good work!

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Lauren
18/7/2017 02:49:01 am

Hi Oliver,
I would say in my house experience, my mother was controlling and manipulative. I resented her for years for that type of behavior.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
20/7/2017 09:49:08 am

Hello Lauren,

this is often the case, and it was perfectly normal for you to feel that way.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Lynsay
14/12/2017 07:26:34 am

I am also examining why I have this pattern of attracting men who control in a subtle way, rather than aggressive, with a gradual increase in negative comments, gaslighting and withdrawing affection. The last paragraph is the one I feel I may not have dealt with. The parental influences. My parents are clever interesting caring people not traditionally identifiable as controlling. However I do now see that they were critical, that I examined myself as a child as not matching up and being the odd one out.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
27/12/2017 05:50:05 pm

Hello Lynsay

thank for you for comment.

I wish you the best in moving froward with this part of your life.

Oliver

Reply
Jane
12/1/2018 09:05:57 pm

Very valuable insights. I feel these emotions across the palms of my hands. But how can i release them?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
12/1/2018 09:25:22 pm

Hello Jane,

this can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Lolly-South Africa
3/2/2018 11:11:28 am

Hi Oliver

Firstly, pheeuw😓.

I don't even know how I ended up here, but everything said here is so me. I just started dating this guy a few weeks ago and a week ago I started talking to an ex-boyfriend who was controlling and emotionally abusive. Now that I'm talking to both guys I noticed how they're so much alike. I crave their type of love so much and it scares me. If it's not their kind, it's one of from men who are insecure about themselves and needy.

I hope to someday get help and move on from such.

Thank you for this article.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
7/2/2018 03:09:47 pm

Hello Lolly,

I'm pleased to hear that this article assisted you.

Keep up the good work.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Sylvia Gillam link
6/6/2018 10:35:21 pm

This has been very helpful for me as I have just come out of a controlling relationship after 10minths. I am still very upset about it as I didn't realize that this was happening and had been happening very slowly over the last few months. So it has been very fascinating to realize how this pattern has evolved from childhood as you explained. But to understand this is also very alarming indeed. Thank you so much for your help and understanding. Sylvia

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
10/6/2018 12:03:10 pm

Hello Sylvia,

thank you for your feedback.

I wish you all the best,

Oliver

Reply
Sadie
31/7/2019 02:21:43 am

This was so insightful. My entire adult life I've equated love to control. If a man doesn't control me or feel jealous over me than I feel I'm not doing something right. It's led me to a 5 year marriage that became physically abusive and endangered my life. I thought I was alone in this and so happy to have found your article. Thank you so much!

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
18/8/2019 04:50:00 pm

Hello Sadie,

thank you for your feedback.

I'm pleased to hear that this article has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Julie
25/10/2019 02:55:52 pm

Hi Oliver,

I just ended a relationship with a controlling man after rebounding from a divorce. Like Alexis, he presented himself in a different mask, but ultimately ended up a total control freak and manipulator. My background is not with a controlling father, but a controlling MOTHER with a personality disorder who controlled everything my father said and did. I BECAME my father and ultimately, meet men who act just my mother did.

My questions to you is...I realize that I attract controlling men, but how do I trust that the next one is authentic? After my divorce to a control freak, like I said, I rebounded into another one who presented at caring, generous, sweet and kind, but after about 9 months it was clear that he was a different person.

Right now I'm on a man-ban and I am thoroughly enjoying being alone. I'm 50, and I really don't care if I even date again, but if/when I change my mind, my fear is that I'll either swing the pendulum in the opposite direction and not recognize a good man because I'll think he's weak or spineless, OR I'll be fooled, yet again. At this point, after a slew of failures, I don't even know what a good, kind, empathetic man looks like.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
30/10/2019 03:36:42 pm

Hello Julie.

thank you for your comment.

My suggestion would be for you to continue to read up on this area and to work with a therapist. Healing the wounds that were created during your early is likely to make it easier fro you to avoid these types of men.

Being on a 'man-ban is a great idea,' as it will give you the chance to do this work and to come back with a clear mind.

All the best,

Oliver

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