Although a woman can want to experience a relationship with a man that is healthy and functional, there are numerous things that can get in the way if this actually taking place. And one of these things is when a man is controlling.
To a one degree or another, both men and women are controlling. But this is not bad or dysfunctional per se. What can lead to problems is when a healthy sense of control gets out of hand and goes to the extreme. When this happens, it is inevitably going to lead to problems.
How a man first appears can often be the complete opposite of who they will later become. At first they may come across as: assertive, caring, confident, strong and generous for instance. And these kinds of traits are going to be appealing and enough to attract a woman. But while this may be how they appear at first, over time their behaviour can change and take on a different form.
As to how long this transition will take can depend on numerous factors. Some women will notice it is within a very short time. And for others, this may have to occur for a long time before they are aware of what is taking place. A woman may only notice what is going on after a friend or family member points out what is going on; as they could be unaware of it themselves.
And upon close inspection, what may become clear is how there is certain patterns involved. This can relate to the kind of men that they are attracted to and when they start to feel that they are being controlled. It may also be seen in certain areas of their life and in where a man is controlling and where he isn’t controlling.
There may even be some men who want complete control and don’t allow any kind of freedom of expression to occur. This will be in extreme cases and some men will be more subtle in their control.
So while these patterns can enable one to get a better understanding of what is taking place and that what is taking place is not simply random, they can also be interpreted in another way. What this means is that the mind can use them as a sign that one is a victim and that one has no control over what is happening.
The mind observes reality and then forms ideas about what it sees. These ideas are not necessarily the truth, but they can sound accurate and logical. For if a women is constantly attracting men who are controlling, it would be normal to believe that they are unlucky and powerless to do anything about it.
Under The Surface
And if this is the only understanding that a woman has, it is unlikely that they will attract a man that is not controlling. Because while the minds ideas about what is taking place can sound appropriate and validate what is taking place; there is something else going on. This is typically going on at an unconscious level and out of one’s awareness.
Here, it will relate to what feels safe and what feels safe is what is familiar. So the reason one is with a controlling men or they keep showing up is because it feels right at a deeper level. This realisation will be known through connecting with one’s body. The mind will not have this understanding; as the mind sees everything as separate and disconnected.
To look at this challenge through the eyes of an adult is unlikely to make much sense. This is due it being something that often has its roots in a woman’s childhood years. And the kind of relationship that they had with their father will often define what their relationships will be like with men.
So for a woman that is attracted to controlling men, it could be that in most cases, the attention that they received from their father was based on some kind of control or compromise. Perhaps their father was: smothering or overwhelming and had boundary problems. This then became associated as what is familiar and therefore safe to the mind.
And as this was the only kind of behaviour that they saw as a child, it also became known as what love is. At such a young age, it is not possible to question what is taking place. It is simply internalised and perceived as what is normal and how things are.
These early experiences will have shaped a women’s idea of what love is and what is not love. But of course, these meanings are typically going on at an unconscious level and won’t be consciously known. Through so many years having passed, one can lose all awareness of what took place during those formative years.
So as control is what feels familiar and safe, if a man wasn’t controlling, it could feel like rejection or that one is being abandoned and left alone. Love means control and if control is not taking place then it might not feel right.
It is these associations that are causing a woman to attract and to be attracted to men that are controlling. There is nothing random about the whole thing; it is often just the result of what a woman became comfortable with as a child.
Even though this may have been how love was experienced as a child for a woman, it would have included a certain amount of emotional pain. This could have included feeling: rejected, abandoned, betrayed and violated.
These feelings would have had to have been repressed; because if they were revealed it may have lead to further control or even isolation. But these feelings haven’t disappeared; they will have remained in the body.
Once these feelings are released and one no longer feels comfortable with this kind of love, a woman will no longer be attracted to or attract men who are controlling. This process can be undertaken through the assistance of a therapist, healer, coach or a trusted friend. Or through some kind of self study and in letting go of these old ways of being. The kind of help that one needs will all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.