Although a woman can want to experience a relationship with a man that is healthy and functional, there are numerous things that can get in the way if this actually taking place. And one of these things is when a man is controlling. To a one degree or another, both men and women are controlling. But this is not bad or dysfunctional per se. What can lead to problems is when a healthy sense of control gets out of hand and goes to the extreme. When this happens, it is inevitably going to lead to problems. First Impressions How a man first appears can often be the complete opposite of who they will later become. At first they may come across as: assertive, caring, confident, strong and generous for instance. And these kinds of traits are going to be appealing and enough to attract a woman. But while this may be how they appear at first, over time their behaviour can change and take on a different form. As to how long this transition will take can depend on numerous factors. Some women will notice it is within a very short time. And for others, this may have to occur for a long time before they are aware of what is taking place. A woman may only notice what is going on after a friend or family member points out what is going on; as they could be unaware of it themselves. Patterns And upon close inspection, what may become clear is how there is certain patterns involved. This can relate to the kind of men that they are attracted to and when they start to feel that they are being controlled. It may also be seen in certain areas of their life and in where a man is controlling and where he isn’t controlling. There may even be some men who want complete control and don’t allow any kind of freedom of expression to occur. This will be in extreme cases and some men will be more subtle in their control. The Story So while these patterns can enable one to get a better understanding of what is taking place and that what is taking place is not simply random, they can also be interpreted in another way. What this means is that the mind can use them as a sign that one is a victim and that one has no control over what is happening. The mind observes reality and then forms ideas about what it sees. These ideas are not necessarily the truth, but they can sound accurate and logical. For if a women is constantly attracting men who are controlling, it would be normal to believe that they are unlucky and powerless to do anything about it. Under The Surface And if this is the only understanding that a woman has, it is unlikely that they will attract a man that is not controlling. Because while the minds ideas about what is taking place can sound appropriate and validate what is taking place; there is something else going on. This is typically going on at an unconscious level and out of one’s awareness. Here, it will relate to what feels safe and what feels safe is what is familiar. So the reason one is with a controlling men or they keep showing up is because it feels right at a deeper level. This realisation will be known through connecting with one’s body. The mind will not have this understanding; as the mind sees everything as separate and disconnected. Causes To look at this challenge through the eyes of an adult is unlikely to make much sense. This is due it being something that often has its roots in a woman’s childhood years. And the kind of relationship that they had with their father will often define what their relationships will be like with men. So for a woman that is attracted to controlling men, it could be that in most cases, the attention that they received from their father was based on some kind of control or compromise. Perhaps their father was: smothering or overwhelming and had boundary problems. This then became associated as what is familiar and therefore safe to the mind. And as this was the only kind of behaviour that they saw as a child, it also became known as what love is. At such a young age, it is not possible to question what is taking place. It is simply internalised and perceived as what is normal and how things are. Love These early experiences will have shaped a women’s idea of what love is and what is not love. But of course, these meanings are typically going on at an unconscious level and won’t be consciously known. Through so many years having passed, one can lose all awareness of what took place during those formative years. So as control is what feels familiar and safe, if a man wasn’t controlling, it could feel like rejection or that one is being abandoned and left alone. Love means control and if control is not taking place then it might not feel right. Attraction It is these associations that are causing a woman to attract and to be attracted to men that are controlling. There is nothing random about the whole thing; it is often just the result of what a woman became comfortable with as a child. Awareness Even though this may have been how love was experienced as a child for a woman, it would have included a certain amount of emotional pain. This could have included feeling: rejected, abandoned, betrayed and violated. These feelings would have had to have been repressed; because if they were revealed it may have lead to further control or even isolation. But these feelings haven’t disappeared; they will have remained in the body. Once these feelings are released and one no longer feels comfortable with this kind of love, a woman will no longer be attracted to or attract men who are controlling. This process can be undertaken through the assistance of a therapist, healer, coach or a trusted friend. Or through some kind of self study and in letting go of these old ways of being. The kind of help that one needs will all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
47 Comments
Donna
29/12/2013 06:11:55 pm
I feel this has been of value :) Thank you, I appreciate it.
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30/12/2013 01:45:32 am
Hello Donna,
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Donna
12/10/2015 11:42:40 pm
I learn I was being to passive, don't make waves it's going so good, giving up my boundaries, letting him find everything wrong with me , you know what the signs were always there slow and subtle gestures to devalued me , I am not going to be passive anymore and keep to my standards.
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Sara
10/1/2014 08:13:06 am
Having been in two relationships in a row with controlling men, it has made me question what is it about me that draws me to them and also attracts them to me.
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10/1/2014 10:43:09 am
Hello Sara,
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mellie
25/2/2014 07:25:47 pm
ON my second major relationship where there is too much contorl on his part. I should have realized his RELENTLESS pursuit of me was just that. Here I thought he just knew what he wanted! Not sure if worth continuing on because the behavior has been admitted and identified by him, but not ADDRESSED. I am too old, too tired after a controlling, long marriage. he still wants to councel. I am tirrrred.I want to be on my own.
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26/2/2014 04:39:47 am
Hello Mellie,
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Barbara Darda
1/5/2014 05:57:11 am
I just got out of yet another controlling relationship. Wow -- this one really took the cake! I have had 3 in a row -- and thanks to this insightful article, I now realize how much my incredibly controlling and abusive father shaped me and my idea of a man and "love". I am in self-study and am determined to remain on my own until I can create a new understanding and attract the type of man I want and deserve. It is oh so much better to be alone than to be in a controlling relationship. God help me...and thanks to Mr. Oliver.
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1/5/2014 06:10:17 am
Hello Barbara,
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Dianna
16/7/2014 08:19:26 pm
Hello Oliver, I really enjoyed your article on this particular subject, however, after reading it all, it left me with a question...
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17/7/2014 02:30:16 am
Hello Dianna,
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Keesh
25/7/2014 10:33:29 am
I truly appreciated this. Very helpful. Also true. Humbled. I wanna heal from it . Help
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25/7/2014 11:33:43 am
Hello Keesh,
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7/9/2014 01:39:06 pm
Hello Taylor,
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Melanie Carroll
22/12/2014 11:13:58 am
This was very helpful and a self realization In order to find ways to continue to keep away from such unhealthy, self-destructive relationships
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22/12/2014 05:05:35 pm
Hello Melanie,
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Gin
8/2/2015 05:02:24 am
I agree with Sara and her comment. I really want change and this article was a good read to help me understand how to reset what I am attracting. Thanks!
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8/2/2015 05:09:38 am
Hello Gin,
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Alexis
25/6/2015 10:13:01 am
Having finally found the courage to leave a 10-year relationship/marriage with a controlling man (typical Alpha male, I gave up a good career to be a stay-at-home mum, lost all sense of who I was, no friends yada yada) I found myself in a re-bound relationship with what I thought was the total opposite kind of man. Emotionally-available, caring, considerate and very 'modern' in terms of his views on what women were capable of in the world. However, after 5 months, it dawns on me that he is in fact another controlling type, just wearing a different mask. This one emotionally manipulates me into staying with him, makes me endure his panic attacks whilst we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves on dates, and then says it's all because "he loves me".
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25/6/2015 12:53:31 pm
Hello Alexis,
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E
9/9/2015 07:59:32 am
This has definitely been helpful to me. It hits a lot of ideas in just a few words. I now realize which factors in my childhood conditioned me to be attracted to controllers.
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9/9/2015 11:17:42 am
Hello E,
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Nora
24/12/2015 06:59:09 am
I read your article with interest. I have fallen into a long-standing pattern of being with controlling or emotionally abusive or otherwise toxic relationships. I am well aware of the dynamics in these relationships and the fact that the basis for my involvement in these are my relationships with my parents. My mother has a narcissistic personality disorder and my father was very very controlling. There was really very little room for 'me' growing up. I have been in therapy a number of times to try to change this pattern, even with a specialist in abusive relationships. I find however that I am continuing to attract this type of man and to be attracted to this kind of man. Other types of men that are not controlling or domineering or persistent seem less than masculine to me? I'm not really sure. All I know is that whole 'chemistry' thing that people talk about only occurs when I'm in this type of relationship. My most recent relationship only lasted three weeks because I was so aware of the dynamics that I was starting to get anxiety attacks. So I ended it. But I still got involved in it in the first place and I saw red flags from day one. I'm currently on an online dating site. I really don't know what to do about this issue. And I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.
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25/12/2015 02:30:01 pm
Hello Nora,
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Cathy
2/11/2016 05:12:15 pm
The article was very insightful, thank- you. I am attracted to controlling men because I feel safe and secure with them. My friend says I always pick the assholes and she can't understand it. I'm not attracted to a man who is not alpha and controlling UNLESS he is really fun and carefree but that doesn't end well for me, either. As far as my childhood, my father was great. He was not abusive at all. He was always joking around with us. My parents had 9 children and had an old fashioned, traditional relationship. Dad provided and Mom took care of the household. Maybe it's the hardcore traditional roles that influenced me? I am not a passive woman by any means. I've just learned recently, or admitted to myself, that I enjoy being submissive at times and not in control. This bothers me to some extent because women have come so far! I feel like I'm backsliding because I like it...at times. It confuses the crap out of me and I usually end the relationship if he doesn't. PS) I was married for over 25 years to a controlling man and now I'm free and it does feel good. I'm a mess, right?
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2/11/2016 06:22:47 pm
Hello Cathy,
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Cathy
3/11/2016 04:36:37 am
Oliver,
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Susanna
12/11/2016 08:01:25 am
Hi Oliver,
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14/11/2016 12:18:50 pm
Hello Susanna,
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Lauren
18/7/2017 02:49:01 am
Hi Oliver,
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20/7/2017 09:49:08 am
Hello Lauren,
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Lynsay
14/12/2017 07:26:34 am
I am also examining why I have this pattern of attracting men who control in a subtle way, rather than aggressive, with a gradual increase in negative comments, gaslighting and withdrawing affection. The last paragraph is the one I feel I may not have dealt with. The parental influences. My parents are clever interesting caring people not traditionally identifiable as controlling. However I do now see that they were critical, that I examined myself as a child as not matching up and being the odd one out.
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27/12/2017 05:50:05 pm
Hello Lynsay
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Jane
12/1/2018 09:05:57 pm
Very valuable insights. I feel these emotions across the palms of my hands. But how can i release them?
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12/1/2018 09:25:22 pm
Hello Jane,
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Lolly-South Africa
3/2/2018 11:11:28 am
Hi Oliver
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7/2/2018 03:09:47 pm
Hello Lolly,
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6/6/2018 10:35:21 pm
This has been very helpful for me as I have just come out of a controlling relationship after 10minths. I am still very upset about it as I didn't realize that this was happening and had been happening very slowly over the last few months. So it has been very fascinating to realize how this pattern has evolved from childhood as you explained. But to understand this is also very alarming indeed. Thank you so much for your help and understanding. Sylvia
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10/6/2018 12:03:10 pm
Hello Sylvia,
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Sadie
31/7/2019 02:21:43 am
This was so insightful. My entire adult life I've equated love to control. If a man doesn't control me or feel jealous over me than I feel I'm not doing something right. It's led me to a 5 year marriage that became physically abusive and endangered my life. I thought I was alone in this and so happy to have found your article. Thank you so much!
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18/8/2019 04:50:00 pm
Hello Sadie,
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Julie
25/10/2019 02:55:52 pm
Hi Oliver,
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30/10/2019 03:36:42 pm
Hello Julie.
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Carol Kewley
17/6/2021 10:46:50 am
Hi Oliver, thanks for this article. It's shown me that not only were my parents controlling, but that I've unconsciously adopted a lot of their behaviour for relationships. This is why I've been attracting controlling men.
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Confused
8/8/2023 05:46:29 am
Hi Oliver,
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8/8/2023 06:42:57 pm
Hello Confused,
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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