Even though a woman wants to be in an intimate relationship, it doesn’t mean that this takes place. However, while there will be some women who realise that this is because they fear intimacy, there are going to be others who are unaware of why they are unable to experience it.
In the first case, they may believe that it is because of what is taking place within them, and in the other case, they may believe that it’s because of what is taking place externally. If they believe that is relates to what is taking place within them, it is likely to be more empowering than if they were to believe it is because of what is taking place externally.
However, if these two scenarios are put to one side for the time being, it is going to be incredibly frustrating to live life in this way, and they are likely to end up feeling hopeless. On one side, they have the need to be intimate, and on the other, this need is not being fulfilled.
This doesn’t mean they won’t have close friends or have moments when they do experience intimacy with the sex that they are sexually attracted to. But what it is likely to mean is that this is not going to be an experience that is going to last and the intimacy that they experience with their friends is not going to be enough.
If one is aware of their fear of intimacy, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they attract someone who is unavailable. They will know that they are a reflection of them, and there is then going to be less chance of them blaming the other person.
When one is not aware of their fear of intimacy, it can be even harder for them to handle another person who is unavailable. This can then be taken as another sign that they are never going to have what they need and they can feel as though the world is against them.
Yet, this is not to say that they won’t attract people who are available; but when this happens, there are going to be other reasons why they are not ‘compatible’. They may say that they are not their type or they may meet them whilst they are on holiday, for instance.
In this case, they are a good match but they live too far away, and while they may be happy to travel to see them, it is not going to match up with what they need. Having said that, there is also the chance that the distance is not a problem and this may be what feels comfortable, at least for a while.
As they look back on their life, they may see that they have been in a number of intimate relationships. If they take a closer look, they may see that these relationships lasted for a certain amount of time and there may have been a pattern when it comes to why they came to an end.
Perhaps they felt as though the other person wasn’t a suitable or that they changed their mind and no longer wanted to settle down. The other person may have started to pull away just as their relationship was starting to go in the right direction.
Through being in an intimate relationship and having what they say they want, they may find it hard to understand why part of them wants to go with others. In the beginning, they say they want one thing, and after getting what they want, they say they want the complete opposite.
This doesn’t mean they will leave the relationships though, as it could cause them to hold onto their relationship and to go with others at the same time. When this happens, their need to expedience security is being fulfilled on the one side and their need to experience ‘freedom’ is being fulfilled on the other.
There is takes place in the external world and there is what occurs in one’s mind and the feelings they experience in their body. Each of these factors is often seen as what makes up the story of one’s life.
The reason the word ‘story’ is used is because one’s life is not fixed; it doesn’t have to be the way it is. Yet, in order for one’s life to change, it will be important for them to change.
A Deeper Level
So whether one is aware of their fear of intimacy or not, there is going to be a reason why they stop themselves from experiencing it. At a deeper level, they are not going to feel safe with intimacy, and until they feel that it is safe for them to experience intimacy, they are not going to allow themselves to truly experience it.
There is likely to have been a time in their life where their boundaries were not respected and this would have caused them to be smothered, and if they were not smothered, they may have been neglected and this would have caused them to feel abandoned. As a result of this, getting close to another person will be seen as something that will cause them to lose themselves or for their life to end.
The Years Go By
This is something they may have experienced during their beginning of their life and although the years may have passed, it is still defining their life. Intellectually, they might not remember what happened, but their body still remembers and this is all that matters.
What they were aware of during their childhood years may have become what they have no awareness of during their adult years. During this time, being smothered would have been overwhelming, and as one couldn’t protect themselves they may have felt as though they were being annihilated.
Being abandoned at this time would have felt as though one was going to die, and this is because they would have had the ability to regulate their emotions. Through having these kinds of experiences, it is going to be normal for them to fear intimacy.
To move beyond this challenge, it will be important for one to look at what is taking place within them and let go of the past that has remained within them. This may involve changing beliefs and mourning unmet childhood needs, among other things.
The assistance of a therapist and/or some kind of support group may be needed here. What matters here is that one reaches out for support and doesn’t suffer in silence.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.