While a relationship between a man and woman is meant to be based on giving and receiving, this is not always the case. For some women, this will be exactly how it is for them and this is going to enhance their life.
And yet for others, this will be far from what they can relate to. When they look at their own relationship or relationship history, they will see that it is or was more like an adult relating to a child.
It has then never been about balance and making sure that each person is being fulfilled, what it is about, is the woman going without getting her needs met and the man getting his needs met.
This could be something that a woman has come to see and through having to put up with it for so long, wants to do something about it. Here, her awareness has increased and she knows that she doesn’t have to put up with it any more.
But it could also be something that a woman feels she has to put up with. She might have moments of saying enough’s enough or she may not, but life goes on and compromise continues to consume her life.
So although a woman is not going to be completely comfortable with always putting the men in her life first, she could be oblivious to her own needs and wants. And all because this has become her identity and how she defines herself.
But even though this might give her moments of feeling good and be something that she has accepted as being who she is, it is nothing more than a mask she wears to handle life. This is a false self and doesn’t reflect who she really is.
What can make this hard to realise is when one has worn this mask for more or less their whole life and when other people validate them for wearing it. Their whole survival can appear to be based on them wearing it. This mask is also going to give her the appearance of having it all together, but she is likely feel like a needy child on the inside.
So even though it is an incredible burden to wear it, it could to feel like less of a burden than it would be for them to reveal their own needs. Ultimately, rescuing men and other people, is then what feels safe.
And for one to take this mask off, they will need to feel that it is safe and that their own needs matter. If this part of them doesn’t grow and begin to overshadow the need to put others first, they are likely to leave the mask on.
At The Start
When a woman meets a man she is probably going to see a different side to him and this will be enough to get her to commit to the relationship. At this stage, he could come across as a giver and someone who is going to be there for her. This might fill her with hope and that she has finally met someone who will be there for her. But before long, the same dynamic appears and they end up with another man that needs to be mothered.
Another approach would be for a woman to be drawn to men who are visibly ‘down and out’ in some way. They might give off the impression that they are changing, but that’s as far as it goes.
So there is likely to be changes as the relationship progresses, but just because the woman experiences these things it doesn’t mean that they will leave. They could complain about how needy a man is and yet find it hard to move on.
Or they could leave the man and find that they end up with what could be described as - withdrawal symptoms. The urge to rescue another man could consume them and end up propelling them to find another one.
If a woman has a history of attracting men who are like this, it is naturally going to cause a lot of pain. They might wonder if they are ever going to find someone who will take care of their needs for once.
And at the same time, they could feel guilty for not being there for others and feel ashamed for having their own needs. So there is going to be a lot of inner conflict. Taking care of others people’s needs is often a way for one to gets their own needs met; this doesn’t always work though.
All human beings have needs and this is not something to be ashamed off. We are interdependent and rely on others for our own survival. To deny ones needs is going to lead to pain and even death, in the most extreme cases.
So as needs are part of being human, why would someone feel so uncomfortable with them? The answers to this question often lie in ones childhood years.
How ones caregiver’s responded to ones needs during these years will often define how one feels about their needs as an adult. And while this can relate to how a woman was treated by her father, it can also include their mother.
This could have been something that happened on numerous occasions or something that happened once. And one would have then come to the conclusion that their needs were bad or wrong and that they didn’t deserve to have them met.
And as well as one’s mind forming beliefs around what happened, their body would have released certain feelings that would have end up being trapped in her body. These could be: fear, shame, guilt, rejection, abandonment, grief, powerlessness and hopelessness.
Once this connection has been made, one will see that how they think, feel and behave, reflects these early experiences. And the kind of people that they attract and are attracted to will also mirror their past. Even though their past wasn’t functional, it is was it familiar and familiar is what is safe to the ego mind.
So in order for a woman to feel comfortable with her needs, she will need to change her beliefs and release the trapped emotions from her body. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a close friend. And reading up on this area will also help with self awareness and seeing things differently.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.