Relationships: Why Would Someone Be Unable To Accept That Their Partner Is Unavailable?

At this point in time, someone could be in a relationship with someone who is not available. So, they might not be able to emotionally connect with them and they might not spend much time with them either.

Assuming that this is the case, they will be emotionally out of reach, and at times, physically out of reach. This could be how it has been for a number of days, weeks, months or even years.

Holding On

However, even if this has been going on for a very long time, it doesn’t mean that they will be ready to cut their ties with their partner. This is not to say that part of them won’t be ready but another, bigger part of them might not be.

If so, they are going to be with someone who is not meeting many of their needs but that won’t be enough to make them draw the line and move on. This other, bigger part of them could believe that, sooner or later, their partner will change.

External Feedback

If they have a few close friends, they could tell them that their partner will change before long. Nonetheless, while their friends could be supportive, they could also tell them that they are wasting their time.

In their eyes, then, it could be clear that they are with someone who is unavailable and is unlikely to ever change. It could be hard for these people to understand why they are unable to face reality.

The Same Old Story

Now, this could be the first time that they have been in this position; then again, they might have been in this position before. If this is not the first time, there is a chance that most if not all of the people they have been with have been unavailable.

Naturally, if they have been in this position before, they are likely to be well and truly fed up with what is going on. A big part of them is then likely to be holding on as they will be desperate to be with someone who is available.

The Other Option

To this part of them, letting go can be seen as something that will result in them being alone again. Yet, by hanging in there and being there for their partner, they can believe that they will gradually change and, thereby, allow them to be with someone who is available.

As bad as it will be for them to be with someone who is out of reach, then, ending the relationship will be seen as something that is far worse. And, even if they were to end the relationship, they could soon be with someone who ends up being just as unavailable.

Stepping Back

As caught up as they will be, there can come a point in time when they no longer have the desire or the energy to live in this way. This can be a time when they will start to question why this area of their life is this way.  

If they were to see clearly, they could come to the conclusion that they are simply unlucky. They will then just happen to end up with people who are not available and there will be very little that they can do.

A Deeper Look

Nevertheless, although this may appear to be the truth, there is likely to be far more to it. What this can show is that they were deeply deprived during their formative years, and, since then, they have been trying to receive the love that they missed out on.

At this key stage of their life, both their mother and father might have been out of reach and unable to truly be there for them. This would have deeply wounded them and stopped them from receiving what they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

The outcome

To handle what was going on, their feelings and a number of their developmental needs would have been repressed by their brain. This was their only option as they we unable to change their parent or parents or to find another family.

But, even though their need to be loved would have been repressed, it would have continued to have an impact on their life. From behind the scenes, so to speak, they would have still hoped that they would be loved and struggled to make this happen.

A Defence

This would have also involved them blocking out what their parent or parents were actually like and doing what they could to please them. As futile as this was, it would have played a part in them being able to block out the pain that they would have experienced if they had faced reality.

Ultimately, if they had faced up to the fact that their parent or parents were unable to love them and they wouldn’t be loved, they wouldn’t have been able to keep it together and function. Many, many years will have passed since they were a powerless and dependent child but a big part of them will be frozen in time.

Moving Forward

This part of them will still be looking for the love that they missed out on all those years ago and will cause them to unconsciously create scenarios that are very similar to how it was for them as a child. Who they end up with won’t be their mother or father but as this part of them has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t realise this.

The struggle will then continue and they will be deprived all over again as not only will they end up with someone who is not available but will be too late for them to receive what they missed out on as a child. For them to gradually put the past behind them, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk