As someone is an individual with their own needs and feelings, they are not always going to want to do what another person wants them to do or suggests. If, on the other hand, they were merely an extension of others, this wouldn’t be the case.
Another person could want them to do something or suggest something and they would go along with whatever has been put forward. There would be no resistance and once they have done something, how the other person feels would define how they feel.
Standing Their Ground
So, as they are a separate being with their own needs and feelings, there will be times when they don’t want to do something. During this time, it will be in their best interests to make this clear.
By doing this, they will be able to respect themselves as they will have done what is right for them and this will allow them to feel good about themselves. Thus, they will be looking after their own well-being.
Nonetheless, while this will be the right thing for them to do, this might be something that seldom takes place. As a result of this, they can spend a lot of time doing things that they would rather not do.
But, they could end up going along with something without even thinking about if it is right for them. They can then be asked if they would like to do something and they could end up saying yes.
Behaving in this way is then not going to serve them but it will be what feels comfortable. When they go along with something without even thinking about it, it could be as if they are being controlled by someone or something ‘out there’.
They could typically come across as though they are happy to do something too, which will create the impression that they actually want to do it. After they have done something that they didn’t want to do and they are by themselves, they could feel angry and frustrated.
If they do feel as though someone or something ‘out there’ is controlling them, they could feel totally powerless. But, as they will find it hard to stand their ground and there will appear to be very little that they can do, how else would they feel?
Due to what is going on, they could spend a lot of time feeling very low and depressed. Naturally, going along with what other people want and not being there for themselves is going to take a lot out of them.
A Closer Look
If they were to reflect on their life, they may find that they have been this way for a very long time. To gain a deeper understanding of what is going on for them, they could imagine standing up for themselves and making it clear that they want or don’t want to do something.
If they were to do this, they could end up experiencing a fair amount of anxiety and fear and feel a strong need to go along with what another person wants. As they feel so uncomfortable when they think about behaving differently let alone behave differently, it is to be expected that they would have the need to act like an extension of others.
What’s going on?
Tuning into themselves, finding out if something is right for them and then taking the next step should be what feels comfortable. For them to experience life differently, they need to have a strong connection with themselves and feel safe enough to express themselves.
The reason why they are not experiencing life in this way can be due to what took place during their formative years. This might have been a time when they were not seen as an individual who had their own needs and feelings.
Consequently, one or both of their parents would have forced them to adapt to them and meet some of their needs. If they didn’t do as they wanted, they might have ended up being left.
So, they might have been sent to their room as a punishment. And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on.
A Brutal Time
Being left would have caused them to experience a lot of pain, and this would have been a time when they felt hopeless and helpless and perhaps as though they were going to die. Their brain would have soon repressed how they felt, to allow them to keep it together and function.
From a young age, then, they would have learned that they had to abandon themselves in order to avoid being physically abandoned. At this age, their need to survive was far stronger than their need to be seen and heard.
What they went through would have set them up to believe that they will only survive if they hide themselves and go along to get along. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but a big part of them will still be there and won’t realise it's over.
For them to truly put the past behind them, they are going to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.