What can be normal is for someone to be there for others and to ignore a number of their own needs and feelings. But, although they will have abandoned themselves, it doesn’t mean that this will stand out.
However, even if what is going on doesn’t stand out, living in this way is still going to have a negative impact on them. Ultimately, they will be missing out on a lot of what they need, so this is to be expected.
They might often feel drained and perhaps totally exhausted. It can then be a challenge for them to get out of bed, perform at their best when they are at work and be there for others.
They will have done too much for others, so they will have been forced to be there for themselves. Yet, to make matters worse, this can be a time when they will feel anxious and guilty and ashamed.
Furthermore, some of the people in their life might not show them the level of support and compassion that they deserve. Instead, they could criticise them for not being there for them.
What this will illustrate is that these people are caught up with their own needs and are unable to acknowledge that one has their own needs. Due to how bad they feel, they can end up forcing themselves to be there for others once again.
If they were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what they might gradually realise is that they are there for others but are not really there for themselves. And, although this won’t be serving them, they could see that it is what feels comfortable.
After realising this, it might not be long until they are doing things for another or a number of people. Still, as they have been able to see what is going on, it might not be long until they take an even deeper look into what is going on.
What can play a part in this is that they can start to feel deeply frustrated and angry, which can make it harder for them to carry on living in this way. These feelings, feelings that are there to let them know that they are living in the wrong way, will have been covered up.
At this point, what might enter their mind is that they have no control over what is going on. If so, what is going on ‘out there’ will be seen as the problem and something that needs to change in order for their life to change.
Now, irrespective of if they do believe that what is going on externally is the issue, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Acting as though they are merely an extension of others is then not going to be something that is a recent occurrence.
If they were to think about what their developmental years were like, they might not be able to remember a great deal. This is likely to show that their brain has blocked out most of what took place to protect them.
A Big Impact
Assuming that they are unable to remember much, if they were able to, what might stand out is that a number of their needs and feelings were generally overlooked. This may show that they had at least one parent who was very self-centred and unable to accept that they were a separate individual that had their own needs and feelings.
Along with this, this parent might have also been verbally and physically abusive. As this parent was unable to provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, they would have had no other choice than to turn their back on themselves.
Firstly, as they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to change their parent’s behaviour. They were then emotionally abandoned, so they were forced to emotionally abandon themselves.
Secondly, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. To keep their own sense of being worthless and unlovable at bay, and to try to be valued and loved, they would have gradually lost touch with a number of their needs and feelings and automatically created a disconnected false self.
The Outer become the inner
At a stage of their life, then, when they needed to be accepted as they were and emotionally supported, was a stage of their life when they were rejected and emotionally abandoned. Consequently, as they were unable to comprehend that how they were being treated had nothing to do with them, they would have rejected themselves.
With this in mind, it is not that they just happen to have people in their life that are not very accepting; it is that these people are mirroring back the relationship that they have with their true selves. Therefore, as they reconnect with their true self and become more accepting of themselves, the people in their life will reflect this inner shift.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.