Self-Worth: Can Someone’s Worth Be Externalised If They Experienced Conditional Love As A Child?

Someone could spend a lot of time doing things and very little if any time relaxing and taking it easy. This could be how they have been for most of their life, though, so it might not be something that stands out.

Nonetheless, if they live in a society that is generally focused on the doing and the being is generally overlooked, why would they? How they behave is then going to be supported by most of the people they come into contact with and be a reflection of how these people behave.

Slowing Down

If they were to take their foot off the gas, so to speak, they could soon end up being very irritable. Due to the tension that they experience, they could soon find something to do or work on.

Thanks to what they are like, they could struggle if they were to go on holiday, with this being a time when they have to fill their time with activities. Their mind could also be consumed by what is taking place back home and what they didn’t do and need to do when they return.

Two Sides

Living in this way is naturally going to take its toll on them, and there could come a point in time when they can no longer live in this way. Quite simply, they will be too worn out to work so hard.

The trouble is that living in this way, as much as it will wear them down over time, will also allow them to feel better about themselves. Unless this changes, they are likely to do everything they can to continue to behave in this way.

A Closer Look

If they were able to take a step back and reflect on their life, they might wonder why they feel so tense when they slow down and are not in doing mode. Moreover, why this ends up being a time when they don’t feel good about themselves.

What this is likely to show is that they don’t have a felt self of worth and they are only able to feel good about themselves when they are doing things. Behind the tension that they experience when they slow can be the fear that they will be rejected and abandoned.

An Endless Battle

With this in mind, being a human doing will be a way for them to try to earn their value and keep their fears at bay. Their doing is then primarily going to be a way for them to compensate for the fact that the being side of their nature is underdeveloped.

If this wasn’t the case and they had a felt sense of worth and could just be as a result, there would be no reason for them to be like a machine. They would be more in balance, being able to do and to be.

Another part

Not having this element in place can mean that even when they do receive something, they might not feel that they deserve it. The outcome of this is that they could end up pushing it away before long or forgetting about it and trying to attain something else.

If they did have a felt sense of worth and deserving, they probably wouldn’t have to work as hard to have what they want. What this comes down to is that it is not one’s actions alone that define what they do and don’t attain; it is also what is taking place for them at an emotional level.

What’s going on?

What could soon enter their mind is why they constantly need to try to earn their value and can’t just feel valuable without doing anything. This is likely to show that their early years were a time when they missed out on the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

So, throughout this stage of their life, they might have only been ‘loved’ if they did what their parent or parents’ wanted. By jumping through their hoops, they might have been accepted and received attention.

The Other Side

If they didn’t, and even if they did at times, they might have been put down, physically harmed and/or neglected. Ultimately, the ‘love’ that they received would have been highly conditional and it wouldn’t be right to call it ‘love’ either.  

If they were actually loved, they wouldn’t have been treated like an object that was only here to meet their parent or parents needs. Instead, they would have been seen as a being that was inherently valuable and lovable.

A New Experience

This doesn’t mean that there wouldn’t have been conditions but that these conditions would have been in place to aid their child’s development. For them to realise that they are inherently valuable and lovable, they are likely to have emotional wounds to work through.

Feeling unloved, unwanted, and worthless and any other feelings that arise will play a part in them being able to feel the opposite feelings. Thus, this is not a time when they need to re-programme themselves with positivity; it is a time when they are letting go of what doesn’t belong to them and embracing what does.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk