There are going to be times in one’s life where their external reality mirrors back to them exactly what they want to experience and then there are going to be times when this doesn’t happen. And these experiences can end up defining not only how one feels, but also what they believe about themselves and about life in general.
So as what is taking place in the external world is so powerful, it is only natural that one would always want to have experiences that were life affirming. This way, one is going to experience reality in a way that supports who they are; instead of having experiences where they don’t feel supported or validated for instance.
However, it doesn’t take much reflection to realise that this is not how life works. Of course, it is wonderful to have experiences that are supportive and nourishing. But while this might sound like the ideal way to experience life, it would soon lose its appeal.
For it is not when everything is perfect that one’s grows; it is when they are facing challenges and they are no longer comfortable. It is under such pressure that one is able to develop and to expand into a greater version of who they are.
So then, when one is in an environment where other people validate who they are and give them the feedback they need in order to feel worthy, they are not going to be any problems. One will be able to feel good and they will believe that they are valuable.
On one side then, there will be how one feels and then there will be the beliefs that one creates as a result of how they feel and due to what is taking place externally. And when one believes they are valuable, the more likely they are to be around others who validate this belief.
Less Than Ideal
There are going to be moments when one has experiences that challenge their value. And how one responds can depend on how strong their belief is in themselves, how challenging these moments are and how often they occur.
If one believes they are valuable, they are naturally going to be more resilient than someone who doesn’t. When these moments are really challenging, they are going to be harder to handle than if they were not. And if these challenges happen on a regular basis, they are going to be hander to handle than if they were irregular.
The challenges are going to arise when one is completely depend on the external world when it comes to how worthy they are. Here, ones value is going to constantly fluctuate as a result of the experiences that they have.
One may be in a position where they always look towards other people and not even realise that there is another way. This could be something they do without even thinking about it; it is then unconscious and can therefore appear to be out of their control.
If it was possible for one to always have experiences where their value was recognised by others, it wouldn’t matter if one always looked towards other people to define their self worth. But as this is not possible, it will only create unnecessary suffering and stop one from being able to develop their self worth.
What is deemed as valuable by one person won’t always be seen in the same way by another person and vice versa. And at times, people will be negative and do their best to destroy another person’s self worth.
So at times ones external world will be affirming at and times it won’t and yet, these experiences are likely to be transitory. They don’t reflect ones true value and this is because it is inherent and is not something that can be taken away from them.
What this emphasises is how important it is for one to own their own value and not to give it away to other people. When one lets other people define how valuable they are, they are giving their power away.
Once one realises their worth is not defined by their external circumstances, they will no longer need to get attached to what happens externally. But before one can realise this, they may need to have their value mirrored back to them.
And this is because human beings are interdependent and therefore need to be recognised as valuable in the eyes of another in order to feel valuable. For some people, this takes place during their childhood and for others it is something that happens with the assistance of a mentor or healer later in life.
Sense Of Self
When one has not been affirmed in this way, they can end up having an undeveloped sense of self. And the part of them that wasn’t affirmed will continue to look towards other people to give them what they haven’t received.
So once one has been affirmed, they will no longer be dependent on what happens externally. And this is because they will have developed their inner value and this will enable them to be more resilient.
One can be affirmed by a coach, mentor, healer or some kind of body worker. What matters is that one no longer allows their experiences to define how worthy they are. Assistance is available, one only needs to take the first step and to find what works for them.
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Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.