While some people can feel worthy as a result of they are, other people can only feel worthy as a result of what they do. In the first case, ones worth has been internalised, and in the other, their worth is based on external factors.
So the first person can just be and feel valuable without having to do anything. What they do is then a reflection of the value they feel and not something they do in order to feel valuable.
However, when it comes to the second person, the only way that they can feel valuable is if they are doing something. And what they do is then a reflection of the fact they don’t feel valuable and not because they feel valuable.
On the inside, each and every one of us has the same worth. One person may have something society values and another person may not, or one person may have attained more money than someone else, but this does not mean that one person is therefore more valuable than someone else.
And yet in today’s world, not everyone is seen as having the same value. This outlook causes some people to be treated with respect and others to be treated without respect. People are often viewed as objects that can be used and abused; with them being seen as nothing more than a means to an end.
When ones worth is based on what they do and not on who they are, they are going to be used to living a life that is based on doing and not being. For if they are not doing something or achieving some kind of goal, there is the chance that they will feel uncomfortable.
Their actions are then a way for them to regulate their feelings of having no value and of being worthless. Whereas as if they felt valuable without doing anything, they would be able to just be.
This is not to say that one would therefore sit around doing nothing and have nothing to show for their time on this planet. What it means is that they are able to let go and to relax, without feeling that their self worth is under threat unless they are constantly doing something or on the verge of some kind achievement
If ones worth is not based on what they achieve, it will be possible for them to let go and to not get attached to an outcome. This will enable them to stay focused on the steps that lead up to their goal and to enjoy it once they have achieved it.
And as one is not attached to what they desire, it can mean that one finds it easier attract what they desire into their life. For when one is attached to something, it can not only cause them to push it away, it can also cause one to use more energy to attract it.
But when one believes their value is based on what they do, it is going to be about the outcome and not the journey. It might not matter what one achieves, as long as they achieve something.
And once they do achieve something, it will be short-lived; simply because their attention will go onto the next thing that will take away their discomfort and give them a boost. As it might not matter what one achieves as long as they are successful, it could mean that one ends up achieving things that are not important to them.
What’s Going On?
Although this whole dynamic can seem normal and just how life is, it is there for a reason. When ones feels valuable for who they are opposed to what they do, they are going to view success differently.
It won’t be something they have to achieve in order to feel worthy; it will just be a consequence of the actions that they are taking. This doesn’t mean that one consciously knows that they only feel valuable when they are successful, as it could take place without them even realising it.
So if one only feels worthy when they are successful, there is the chance that they feel worthless at a deeper level. And when there is the feeling of being worthless, shame is not going to be too far away.
At one point in their life they would have learnt that it is only possible for them to be loved for what they do and not for who they are. But this is not love either; as it would have caused one to create a false self.
This could be due to what has happen in ones adult years, but it is likely to be due to what happened in their childhood. During this time, there is the chance that one had to fulfil the wants and needs of their caregiver/s.
One was then seen as an extension of their caregiver/s and not as a separate being. And if they fulfilled their wants and needs one would have been made to feel valuable. So it was conditional, and not something one felt no matter what they did or didn’t do.
As An Adult
So one would have learnt that whether they are accepted or not, depends on what they do. And because of this, one then continues to behave in the same way as an adult; with the hope that they will gain the love they didn’t receive as a child. This will all take place unconsciously.
If one is successful, there is the chance that other people will respond favourable to them. However, it is still going to be for what they do and not for who they are. So years will have passed and yet the same story is still being played out.
These early experiences would have caused one to experience emotional pain and to miss out on the love they desperately needed in order to feel worthy for who they are. This emotional pain will need to be released from one’s body and they will also need to receive the validation that they missed out on all those years ago. A therapist or a healer can assist one in this process.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.