Sense Of Self: Can Childhood Trauma Stop Someone From Developing A Sense of Self?

From the outside, someone may come across as a strong and as though they have a good connection to themselves. Additionally, they could typically appear to be happy and full of life.

But, although they can generally create the impression that they are a well-adjusted adult, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. Behind the facade that they present to the world can be a very different person.

Both Ways

Not only can this be something that most people are not aware of, one could be just as unaware of it themselves. One is then going to be living on the surface of themselves but they won’t know it.

What they might be aware of, though, is that they often experience anger and frustration. Whenever they come into contact with this pain, they could end up doing whatever they can to push it out of their conscious awareness.

The Reason

Most likely, this pain will be a consequence of the fact that they are not in tune with themselves and thus, the life that they are living is not in alignment with who they are. This pain is then going to be there to tell that that this is so, but they won’t be able to heed this message.

They will continue to do what they can to keep this pain at bay and to carry on living in the same way. Keeping up the act that they are happy, even though they are not truly happy will be essential.

A Dark Cloud

The longer this goes on for, the harder it is likely to be for them to keep their pain at bay and to maintain the image that they have. More and more of their energy will be needed to keep their true feelings at bay.

They may often be on the go, finding it hard to relax and this could be a way for them to stop themselves from falling into a deep depression. Living in this way is likely to take its toll on their health too.

An Inner Fall

If they were to experience a breakup, the loss of a loved one or a job loss, for instance, they may soon find that they are no longer able to put on an act. Who they thought they were could fall apart and they could be all at sea both mentally and emotionally.

A certain amount of outer structure would have fallen away and this would then have caused most, if not all, of the inner structure that they had to fall away. They might know who they are or what to do about what is going on.

Weak Foundations

What this is likely to illustrate is that they haven’t developed a sense of self. In other words, while their physical body will have developed, the inner part of their being won’t have developed.

For all these years, they will have had a false-self that allowed them to keep it all together and to act normal. This false-self will have provided them with a very weak inner structure and this part of them would have relied on others to tell them how to behave and what they should do with their life.

A Precarious Position

Now that this weak structure, this pseudo self has fallen away, they will have come into contact with a hell of a lot of pain. The sense of self that would allow them to know who they are and to feel whole and complete won’t be there.

One is then going to look like an adult, but as they lack a strong core, they will be like an abandoned child. In the words of Conrad W. Barrs, they will have only been born once; they won’t have had an emotional birth.

A Closer Look

Their early years should have been a time when they received the nurturance that they needed to develop a strong sense of self. Instead, this was probably a stage of their life when they were abused and/or neglected on a regular basis.

Due to the pain that they experienced, they would have had no choice but to disconnect from their true-self (their body) and to develop a false-self (to live in their head). This false-self would have allowed them to survive, yet it would have meant that they lost touch with their true needs and feelings.

External Structure

The self that they developed would have been kept in place by playing a certain role in the environments that they frequented. This is what would have stopped them from falling in on themselves – falling into the abyss.

As the years went by, one would have slowly forgotten all about what happened and done their best to keep it all together. However, right from the very beginning, the pain that was held within them would have wanted to break through and to be acknowledged, which would have gradually caused them to fall apart over time.

The Right Nutrients

In the same way, then, that a tree or a plant needs to receive the right things to be able to grow, so does a child. Without these things, the external part of them will grow but the inner part of them won't.

This is why, of course, a human being needs so much and can’t just get on with their life shortly after they are born, like a rabbit. The trouble is that if a parent is undeveloped and completely out of touch with themselves, they probably won’t be able to provide what their child needs to go through their second birth.

Awareness
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If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk