Stability: Can Someone Have A Strong Need For Stability If They Experienced Developmental Trauma?

In general, someone can live a life that seldom if ever changes. So, they might have lived in the same area, had the same job, and had the same friends for most of their life.

Therefore, their life will be very stable and very predictable. However, although this will be so, this is likely to be what feels comfortable to a big part of them.

By Design

Naturally, if this wasn’t something that felt comfortable, they would probably live a life that is radically different. They would then have more instability and less predictability.

The outcome of this is that they wouldn’t always feel as settled but their life would have more variety. Consequently, they are more likely to have moments when they feel alive, excited and exhilarated and to grow.

Two Sides

What this illustrates is that as important as it is to have stability and predictability, this will also lead to an absence of the feelings that are experienced when the opposite is experienced, not to mention the growth. Based on this, it could be said that the key is for both sides of the spectrum to be experienced.

The other side of this is for someone to experience too much instability and unpredictability. When this takes place, they won’t feel alive, excited and exhilarated; they will feel overwhelmed and anxious.

The part of them that needs to feel secure and to know what is going on will be starved of what it needs. The outcome of this is that their wellbeing will be greatly undermined and they won’t be able to function at their best.

Stepping Back

Now, when it comes to someone who lives on the side of the spectrum that doesn’t involve much instability or unpredictability, there can come a time when they no longer want to experience life in this way. What could play a part in this is that they could end up being tired of living a life where they feel as though they are just going through the motions.

Their life is then going to lack that spark and they will want to bring some life into it. Nonetheless, if this takes place, it doesn’t mean that they will just be able to change their life as they could soon experience resistance.

Inner Conflict

Merely thinking about changing their life could cause them to experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. To another part of them, then, changing their life will be seen as a threat to their survival.

What this will do is shed light on why they have lived life in the same way for so long. It won’t be that they have consciously chosen to live life in this way, although this might have seemed to be the case; it will be that a big part of them, a part that was hidden, has made sure that they live in this way.

Two Parts

By not having this understanding, their conscious minds reason for living in this way will have been seen as the only reason why their life was this way. In reality, this part of them will have just developed reasons to rationalise their behaviour.

But, as rational as these reasons would have been, they wouldn’t have reflected what was actually going on. What this emphasises is not only can something be false even if it sounds true but that they have a brain that is designed to deceive them.

What’s going on?

It doesn’t do this to cause them harm; no, it does this to keep painful material at bay in order for them to keep it together and function. Anyway, they could wonder why changing their life and living differently is seen as such a threat.

For them to understand why they are this way, it is likely to be a good idea for them to reflect on what their early years were like. If they were to do this, they could find that this was a stage of their life that was brutal.

Back In Time

A stage of their life, then, when they needed stability, predictability and love would have been a stage that was full of instability, unpredictability and hurt. One or both of their parents might have been emotionally unstable, neglectful, and physically abusive.

As a result of this, they would have been deeply wounded throughout this stage of their life and, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to change what was going on or to find another family who could love them. Their only option was to disconnect from themselves and to lose touch with reality.

The Meaning

The pain that they were in and a number of their developmental needs would have ended up being repressed. They would have learnt that it wasn’t safe for them to be in their body, let alone exist.

What this would have done is stop them from developing a felt sense of safety and a felt sense of trust in themselves and the world. The world would have been seen as unsafe and, from that moment onward, experiencing stability and predictability would have been two of their greatest needs, and their need to freely express themselves would have been repressed.

Out of Balance

Many, many years will have passed since they were a child but a big part of them will be frozen in time. This part of them will contain the pain and unmet development needs that they had to repress.

Facing and working through this pain and experiencing these unmet development needs will be a key part of what will allow them to put the past behind them. This will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk