Just because someone doesn’t feel lovable, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. Consequently, this will be something that has a big impact on their life but they won’t be able to do anything about it.
For this to change, they will need to become consciously aware of what is going on and then to take the necessary steps. Until that point arrives, they are likely to suffer in a myriad of different ways.
So, if they have been in at least one relationship, this might not have been one that lasted for very long. In the beginning, it might have been going well and then, before long, it might have soon come to an end.
There could be something that their partner did and/or something that they themselves did. Either way, how they feel deep down is likely to have played a part in what took place.
Still, if they were to think about why it came to an end, they could say that it was due to what their partner did. Now, their partner may well have done something or a number of things that were destructive.
However, along with this, there may have been something or a number of things that they did that played a part. Yet, as they are not aware of the fact that they don’t feel lovable, they won’t be able to acknowledge the part that they may have played.
Alternatively, one might not have ever been in a serious relationship, despite doing all the ‘right’ things. So, they may look after their body, be ‘successful’, and go out a lot, for instance.
It can then seem as though what is going on ‘out there’ is the problem and until this changes, they will just have to tolerate what is going on. If they have this outlook, there could be moments when they feel like a powerless victim.
Brought Out into the Light
If they were to end up meeting someone who they really like and value and perhaps start to love, they could start to feel uncomfortable. They will then have what they desire but they won’t be able to accept what is going on.
In this case, they could find, if they were able to step back and reflect, that they don’t feel worthy of being loved or feel lovable. Unless they are able to talk to their partner about what is going on and reach out for support, it might only be a matter of time before the relationship comes to an end.
A Number of Ways
Assuming that they were to avoid how they feel, they could both consciously and unconsciously do things to push the other person away. One thing that they could do is to spend less time with them and spend more time doing other things.
They could also end up losing control and starting arguments for no apparent reason. It could go even further, though, as they might end up having an affair with another person.
Additionally, having someone who is there for them is likely to feel uncomfortable in another way. What they can find is that they feel smothered and trapped by their partner’s presence.
If so, not only will being treated with love and care feel deeply uncomfortable but having someone in their life who is fairly or somewhat present will also be painful. Ultimately, they deserve to be loved and to be with someone who is present.
What’s going on?
They could struggle to understand why they are experiencing life in this way. What they may find, if they were to look back on their life, is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.
As a result of this, they could believe that they were simply born this way and thus, they will always be this way. Nonetheless, there is a strong chance that they were not born this way and that what took place during their developmental years played a big part.
Back In Time
Right from the beginning, they may have often been left and when they were given attention, they might have rarely if ever been provided with the love that they needed. When they were left, then and when they were not, they would have been deprived of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.
The trouble is that as they were powerless and totally dependent, they were unable to change their parent or parent’s behaviour or to find a family that could love them. Furthermore, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place.
This would have meant that they came to believe that they were left because there was something inherently wrong with them. In reality, they were left because of what was going on for their parent or parents; it was not a reflection of their worth or lovability.
To handle the pain they were in, their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. This would have meant that they lost touch with their true self and created a false self
A Brutal Time
What took place will now be over but they won’t have truly moved on from this stage of their life. There will be the pain and arousal that their brain and body are carrying and the negative beliefs that were also formed.
Working through this baggage and reconnecting to their true self will take patience and persistence and courage. What they can keep in mind is that they are worthy and lovable and what they experienced as a child doesn’t change this fact.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.