If someone was to step back and reflect on their relationships, what might soon stand out is that they have pushed at least one person away. They could find that this person was warm and that the relationship was going well and then, before long, it ended.
Being in a relationship that was like this won’t have felt comfortable and so it won’t have been possible for them to sustain it. However, what might soon stand out is that, at the time, it seemed as though something ‘out there’ was behind what was going on.
Due to this, they might have felt powerless and as though they had no control over what was going on. They would have had the relationship that they desired and it will have simply been taken away from them.
Now, though, it will be clear that there is far more to it than this and they could wonder why they were unable to sustain this relationship. Furthermore, they could find that this is not something that has only happened once.
If so, they could see that this is something that has taken place a number of times. Naturally, going through this once will have been enough but to go through it on a number of occasions will have been a lot for them to handle.
At this point, they could feel pretty hopeless and helpless and question if this area of their life will ever change. They may see that when it comes to their friendships, it is a very different story.
If this is the case, they may have at least one friend who is warm and values them. This could be a friendship that they have had for a number of years and they feel comfortable being treated in this way.
Then again, they might not have any close friends and so this will be another area of their life that is no different. Not having anyone in their life like this is likely to mean that they will have a very lonely existence.
What’s going on?
If this is how their life has been for as long as they can remember, there is a strong chance that it is a consequence of what took place during their formative years. This may have been a time when they were deeply deprived of the emotional nutrients that they needed in order to grow and develop in the right way.
Of course, this stage of their life will be over but they are going to carry the impact that this stage of their life had on them. As a result of this, they won’t have truly moved on from what took place.
A Closer Look
Throughout this stage of their life, they might have been wounded in a variety of different ways. They might have often been physically harmed, verbally put down and isolated from others.
The trouble is that while what took place was not a reflection of their worth or lovability, it would have been personalised as they were egocentric. Thus, what they experienced would have deeply wounded them and given them an inaccurate view of themselves.
If they were not egocentric at this stage or powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have taken what took place to heart and they would have been able to do something about what was going on. Ultimately, they were totally defenceless and simply had to tolerate what was going on.
Now that they are an adult, not having a felt sense of worth or lovability will be normal and seen as the truth by a big part of them. The truth is that they were most likely treated in this way because one or both of their parents (and perhaps others) were deeply wounded and has nothing to do with their essence.
Drawing the Line
Nonetheless, for them to accept, at the core of their being, that they are valuable and lovable, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through. The reason for this is that how they felt when they were being deprived would have ended up being repressed by their brain.
This pain will stop them from being able to experience a felt sense of worth and lovability. They are likely to have many layers of pain inside them and facing this pain won’t be easy, which is why they will need to be courageous and patient and persistent.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.