What could stand out, if someone was able to reflect on how they experience life, is that they often feel deeply vulnerable. In general, it could be as though they are on a stage where just about their every move is scrutinized by others.
As a result of this, what they are likely to find is that it is often hard for them to relax and just be. If so, what will be normal is for them to spend a lot of time feeling fearful and anxious, and they could often lose touch with how they feel and go into a shut down state.
From the outside, it will be as though they are free to express themselves and live their own life but they won’t feel this way on the inside. To avoid being criticised and put down by others, they could do what they can to not stand out.
This can mean that they will typically only do what they have to do and won’t push themselves or try anything new. Now, while this may make it easier for them to minimise the harm that they experience, it is likely to hold them back.
When it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something that is anything but fulfilling. This may be something that they have done for many, many years and is totally soul-destroying.
However, this could be a job that isn’t overly challenging and allows them to earn a living without being put on the spot. They can then stay out of the limelight, in general, and feel safe.
Then again, they could do something that is deeply enriching but they may have stayed at the same level for quite some time. The idea of moving forward is going to appeal to them but what they believe would come with it, won't.
At times, they could see other people moving forward and feel angry, frustrated and jealous. And, in the past, through not being aware of why they hold themselves back, they may have felt like a powerless victim.
Being this way could also prevent them from allowing anyone to get too close to them, meaning that they might not have any close friends or be in a relationship. Once again, this will be a way for them to protect themselves but it will deprive them of the human contact that they need.
If they have been in at least one relationship, this may have been a time when they were often criticised and put down. If this is the case, they are not going to be in a rush to be in another relationship any time soon; especially if they have been in more than one relationship that was like this.
What’s going on?
At this point, they could struggle to understand why they experience life in this way. They could see that living in this way has caused them to miss out on so much, and, unless something changes, their life will continue to pass them by.
Naturally, they won’t want to be undermined by others, but, at the same time, they won’t want to live a half-life. If they were to think about how long they have experienced life in this way, they might see that it has been this way for a very long time.
What this may illustrate is that their early years were anything but nurturing, with this being a time when they were regularly verbally abused by one or both of their parents. Being put down, humiliated and made fun of would then have been the norm.
This would have caused them to feel ashamed and worthless, and it would have deeply hurt them. Instead of being built up by one or both of their parents, they would have been greatly undermined by them.
Along with the pain that they would have experienced, that would have automatically been repressed by their brain to allow them to keep it together and function; there would have been the impact that this had on their view of themselves. As they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them and they were unlovable.
Furthermore, to protect themselves and to try to be accepted, they would have automatically developed a disconnected false self. This would have meant that they would have lost touch with their essence but they had no other choice.
What they will need to keep in mind is that they are not inherently worthless or unlovable and that they don’t deserve to be put down, humiliated or made fun of. How they were treated was a reflection of how wounded one or both of their parents were.
Most likely, one or both of their parents was also deeply wounded by one or both of their parents, which played a part in why they ended up being very cold and cruel. To accept that they are not inherently worthless and unlovable, though, they will probably need to work through a number of emotional wounds.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.