When someone is going through a challenging time, for instance, it can be easy to assume that they need advice. It is then going to be as though they don’t know what do, meaning that they will need to be saved.
One can then end up feeling a lot of pressure - pressure that will arise through having the need to say the right things to this person. As a result of this, it is not going to be about listening to what they are going through and simply being there for them; it will be about doing things for them.
Then again, this might not be something that causes them to experience any more pressure than they usually do, due to the fact that this is what they are used to doing. This is not going to be much of a surprise, considering they are likely to live in a culture that is focused on doing as opposed to being.
They, like they like so many people around them, will behave more like a human doing than a human being. If one is unable to just be, it can show that they are carrying a lot of pain and that they feel worthless.
When someone is going through a challenging time, what they might really need is for another person to just be there for them. This means that having another person’s presence there will be more than enough.
They will be able to express what is going on for them and this can allow them to let go of a lot of weight off their shoulders and to become clear about what they need to do. One was then just being and didn’t do anything, yet they would have had a big effect on them.
This could be seen as a more feminine approach as one wouldn’t have done anything, whereas the need to do something is a more masculine approach. If the other person wants their advice they can provide it, but this is not something that they have to offer.
Sitting back and not doing anything is going to be a challenge for someone if they believe that their value is based on what they do. This will stop them from being able to realise that their value is inherent and that they don’t need to do anything.
When this is the case, their whole identity can be built around them needing to have all the answers and being able to rescue others. And, if this doesn’t take place, they might end up coming into contact with a lot of pain.
This can be the pain that they are keeping at bay through trying to rescue others, and there is the chance that this pain is a consequence of what they went through at the beginning of their life. Therefore, their need to rescue others can be a way for them to avoid the part of themselves that they need to rescue.
The irony here is that it doesn’t take a lot to be there for others in this way, yet it can be extremely difficult to do so. No tools, techniques, special words or phrases are needed; the only thing that is needed is complete presence.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.