Earlier on I was listening to a conversation where one person was having a go at someone else. These were not just two strangers, though; they were two people who knew each other.
One of them said something and the other person didn’t hear what was said, so they ended up saying “what?” a few times. But, instead is simply repeating what they had said, they ended up criticising them.
A Put Down
They said, “do you know how stupid you sound when you say that!?” in a condescending tone. Upon hearing this, the other person didn’t say anything back and just carried on as though nothing had happened.
It was then as if this person was used to being treated badly, which was why they didn’t push back. Taking all this into account, it was highly likely that this was an abusive relationship.
A Shaming Tactic
Shorty after this had taken place, it occurred to me that this was a way for this person to control their partner. They didn’t just want to make them feel bad for what they had done; they wanted them to feel as though they were bad.
The reason for this is that they didn’t say “do you know how stupid your voice sounds when you say that!?” no, they made it about them, with the intention of making this person feel as though there was something inherently wrong with them.
There is the chance that the person who said this feels completely worthless, but has disconnected from their shame. As a result, this stops them from being able to experience healthy shame and they end up projecting the parts of themselves that they don’t like onto others
When it comes to the person who tolerated what was said and didn’t stand up for themselves, there is the chance that they felt worthless before they even met this person. It is then not that these two people just happened to end up with each other; it was by design.
On The Surface
Even so, from the outside it can seem as though one person is a perpetrator and the other is a victim. Based on this, one person needs to be punished and the other needs to be rescued.
At a conscious level, the person who is being treated badly is unlikely to feel comfortable with what is taking place, but this can be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. The body - or the unconscious mind - is rarely given the attention it deserves in today’s world.
Due to this, it can be common for someone to end up being victimised by their own inner wounds. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether they are aware of these wounds or not, as they will still have a big affect on their life.
What this shows is how important it is for someone to become aware of what is going on in their body and to heal this pain. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.