While it is relatively easy for someone to share their body with another person, the same can’t be said about their heart. This means that although the need is there for someone to share how they feel with another person, it is not something that always feels comfortable. However, just because someone doesn’t feel comfortable with this need, it doesn’t mean that it will just disappear. It will always be there and all the time it is not being met, it is going to have an impact on one’s life. That doesn’t mean that one will be aware of this need, as they can end up being disconnected from it. In this case, one might not know why they feel as though something is missing. Sex When one is out of touch with their feelings or doesn’t feel comfortable sharing them, they could end up having sex as a way to experience intimacy. Yet, although one might believe they are being intimate with another, this is nothing more than an illusion. On one hand, they are close to another person and this means that they can feel connected to them. But on the other, the only thing that they are sharing with the other person is their body and this means they can still feel disconnected. The Only Option When one feels as though they are close to the other person, it can cause them to feel as though they are being intimate. If one believes this is the only option they have when it comes to feeling close to another person, they might believe it is better than nothing. And if one doesn’t see this as the only option they have, it could be because they believe that being intimate is the same as having sex. Based on this outlook, intimacy is something that takes place through having sex. Intimacy There are then going to be others who see intimacy as something that takes place when they share who they are with another person. Now, this might mean that one shares their body with another person, but at the same time, it might not. This is because one can be intimate with their friends and family. What is taking place during these moments is that one is sharing how they feel and what is taking place in their reality. Clothes Here, one’s clothes are being left on, but that doesn’t mean that one will end up feeling disconnected. One is sharing what is taking place within them and the other person is allowing this to take place. This will allow one to feel connected to the other person and as though they are being seen for who they are. So unlike the experience that one has when they have sex to experience intimacy, this is not an illusion, it is the real deal. Normal Experiencing intimacy is going to be normal for some people and for others; it will be something that they experience on the odd occasion or this might not happen either. This is naturally going to have a negative impact on their life and they could come to the conclusion that other people are inherently different. And if they do come to this conclusion, they could soon feel like a victim. Yet, just because other people are experiencing life differently, it doesn’t mean that one is missing something. As although one could believe that something ‘out there’ is stopping them from experiencing intimacy, it could be due to what is taking place within them. Feeling Safe In order for one to be able to open up to another, it will be important for them to feel that it is safe for them to do so. If they don’t feel safe, it won’t be possible for them to open their heart. There is then how one feels in their body and how they feel in their heart. These two areas have a different function, but they work together. The body is like an older brother who has to look after his younger sister. An Analogy This means the older brother is not focused on what is taking place within him; he is purely focused on doing everything he can to make sure it is safe for his younger sister to express herself freely. If the older brother doesn’t feel safe, it will stop his younger sister from being able to be herself. Once her brother feels safe, it will allow his sister to express herself. Just as if his sister is unable to express herself, her brother will not be able to relax. This is because although it is a two-way relationship, the brother (the body) is in control. The Heart When one experiences some kind of loss, it will cause them to experience grief. This will be something that they feel in heart and there will also be other feelings in their body. And as long as one feels safe, it will be possible for them to gradually grieve the loss. But this is not always possible and this can mean that one will end up disconnecting from their pain. Their heart will then begin to close and not only will this keep their pain at bay, it will also keep other people at bay. Blocked It is then like one having a phone and taking the battery out; it is then not possible for them to contact others or for others to contact them. In this instance, one knows why this is happening and they can soon put the battery back in. Yet, when it comes to experiencing intimacy, they might not know why they are not experiencing it. If one was to let another person get close to them, it would trigger all of the pain that has stayed within them from a loss or number of losses. Conflict At an intellectual level one might wonder why they are not experiencing intimacy, but if they were to bring their attention into their body, they might soon find out. Or if they were to get close to another, the pain within them could be triggered and this could push them away or they could push the other person away. One might relate how they feel to a loss that they were unable to grieve in their adulthood. However, it could go back even further and relate to what happened during their childhood. In this case, one might be aware of how they feel in their body, but their mind might find it hard to comprehend why they feel as they do. Awareness It is not important if one knows why they feel as they do, what matters is that one is able to grieve and to open their heart once more. As this process takes place, one might start to understand why they feel as they do. There is also no set time for this; as it is not a linear process. Yet, as time passes, one will gradually start to feel that it is safe to let others in. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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In order for something to grow and develop, it will be important for the right conditions to be in place. This is something gardeners understand and as a result of this, they are able to create the right conditions for seeds to grow, among other things. Without this understanding, it wouldn’t be possible for them to get consistent results. And when they don’t get the results they want, they might end up putting it down to bad luck or end up blaming something. Having the right conditions in place doesn’t mean that everything will grow or that everything will be perfect, but it will yield better results than if one had no understanding whatsoever of how to grow things. So one will need to have the right understanding on one side and on the other, the right conditions will need to be in place. Two Factors It is clear that seeds are not the only things that need the right conditions in order to grow, and that human beings are exactly the same. One can have the need to express themselves in a certain way, but if they are not in the right environment, it will be a challenge for them to do this. Just as one could be in the right environment, but if they haven’t got the drive to do anything, it won’t matter. The key to growth and development then, is to have the desire to grow and for one to spend time in the right environments. In The beginning When one is born, they will have the need to experience certain things in order for them to grow and develop. However, while the need is there, the environment they are born into might not have allowed them to fulfil their developmental needs. This could mean that one had to go without having certain needs met or it could mean it was far worse and that they were completely neglected. What happened during this time was largely out of one’s hands. Later On As an adult, one has far more control than they did during their childhood and this means that their childhood doesn’t have to define their life. This is a time where one can not only get in touch with their need to grow and develop; they can also get themselves into the environments that will enable them to fulfil this need. What one needs to work on as an adult can all depend on what happened during their childhood. If one’s needs and feelings were ignored as a child, it could mean that one is unaware of their needs and feelings as an adult. The Ideal When it comes to one’s emotions for instance, the ideal with be for them to not only be in touch with them, but to also feel comfortable with them. This will mean that one won’t be disconnected from their emotions and neither will they feel as though certain emotions are unacceptable. But due to what happened during their childhood, one can end up being disconnected from certain emotions. Through how the people around them responded to their emotions and how they expressed their own, one might believe that not all emotions are acceptable. Disconnected This sets one up to disconnect from certain emotions and they are then in conflict with them themselves. And just because one disconnects from them, it doesn’t mean they will just disappear. Every emotion that one has is there for a reason and what can define whether they are good or bad is how one allows an emotion to effect them and the effect it has on others. Just as a knife can be seen as in a positive light if one was to use it to cut food or to eat for instance, but if they were to cut themselves or others, it would be seen in a negative light. Guidance It all comes down to how one responds to how they feel and in the case of a knife, how they use it. One thing that emotions do is provide one with guidance and this can let them know if they are on track and if others are respecting their boundaries. Yet, if one has disconnected from their emotions or a certain emotion, it might not be possible for them to know if they are on track or if their boundaries are being crossed. One is then not working with themselves, they are working against themselves. Anger And one emotion that people can end up disconnecting from is anger. But while anger is often seen as a ‘negative emotion’, it plays an important role. In order for one to have a sense of self, they will need to be in touch with their anger. This is because it will let them know if they are being compromised or violated by others. Just as their anger will give them the power they need to take action. So if one is out of touch with their anger, it will appear in other ways. Consequences Without one having the connection to their anger, they can end up feeling depressed. This can be because they are unaware of their need to speak up, to take action and to acknowledge what is not working in their life. Another thing that can happen is that one can come across as being apathetic. Nothing bothers them and this is going to mean that it doesn’t matter what happens; as they won’t feel the need to do anything. And because they don’t do anything, there are going to me even more reasons for them to be apathetic. Their anger could also be known through passive aggressive behaviour. Here, one could turn up late for things, go silent and forget to do things. This shows that even though one might not be able to acknowledge how they feel, it is still having an effect on their behaviour. Coming across as sarcastic is another thing that can happen when one has lost touch with their anger. This is an indirect way for them to release what has built up within them and it can be done without one having to accept how they feel. Awareness These are just a few things that can occur when one disconnects from their anger. It can also affect one’s body and cause them to have skin problems. One will need to integrate their anger and this can be done by one looking at the associations they have formed around it. As they start to think about why they reject their anger, they might find that it comes down to the fear of being harmed and/or abandoned. The reason they have these fears could be because of what happened when they were younger. This could have been a time when one was harmed and/or abandoned for showing their anger. The emotional experiences of the past have then remained in their body and need to be processed in order one to feel that it is safe for them to integrate their anger. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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