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If someone has recently experienced a loss, they could be in a very bad way. They can have moments when they feel very sad and can’t stop crying, and moments when they shut down and are unable to feel anything.
Along with this, they can find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and struggle to get to sleep at night. And, when they are awake, they might not feel like doing a great deal. Going Through the Motions Apart from doing what they have to do, such as going to work and eating, they might not do much else. Then again, they might not eat as much as they used to, and they could often skip meals. Before this took place, they might have been full of energy and done a variety of things. Assuming that this is the case, they are going to be radically different to how they were before. The Type of loss Now, this could show that they have gone through a breakup, or they might have lost a loved one. Either way, their life will have changed, and it will never be the same again. But, although this will be the case, a big part of them is not going to want to accept this. The reason for this will be something that is too painful for this part of them to accept. False Hope This part might even hope that, sooner or later, their life will return to how it was before. This hope will serve as a defence that keeps how they feel out of their conscious awareness. When this defence is not active and they are connected to how they feel, they can find that they have the sense that their life is over. It is then not going to matter how old they are or what other areas of their life are like, as they will have no reason to be here. Another Element If they have lost a loved one, a big part of them might also want to die so that they can be with them. What this will show is that they believe that the person, who has passed on, is on the ‘other side’ and if they were to die, they would join them here. They can then spend a lot of time thinking about ending their life and how they might do it. What this can show is how close they were to the person who has passed on and how much they loved them. Another Part If they were able to look back on their life, they may see that this is the first time that they have had this experience. Alternatively, they may see that they have been in this position before. After they experienced a breakup or lost a loved one, then, they would have been in a bad way and lost the will to live. This may have been a time when they cried and were able to gradually embrace life again, or they might have ended up losing touch with how they felt and been able to carry on with life again. A Build Up If they didn’t work through how they felt and, instead, lost touch with how they felt, their current loss will have unlocked some of the pain that was held outside of their conscious awareness. Thanks to this, what they are going through is naturally going to be harder for them to handle. There could be even more to it, though, as what is going on for them could also be a consequence of what hasn’t been resolved from their formative years. This may have been a time when they experienced a lot of loss, and the pain that they experienced was largely repressed. A Process Taking into account what is going on for them, and irrespective of whether how they feel purely relates to what has recently happened or there is more to it, what is clear is that it will be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be a time when they will talk about what is going on for them to someone who is supportive and understanding. Additionally, it will be important for them to continue to cry, as this will play a key part in allowing them to be able to embrace life again. So, although it can seem as though their life will never change, this is not the truth. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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In general, someone could simply go through the motions in life and perhaps often wonder why they are even alive. During the week, then, they could wake up, get ready for work and then head to work.
Once they are there, they could perform one or a number of tasks, with it being as though they are a machine that has been programmed to perform a role. After this, they could head home and end up eating something that is fairly bland and zone out watching TV. The Same Old Story At the weekend, they could also watch a lot of TV, go shopping for the basics and perhaps see a few friends. If they do see friends, this could be a time when they will talk about ‘old times’ and current affairs. These people could live lives that are just as mundane as theirs and they may, directly or indirectly, talk about how bleak their life is. They might drink a lot or engage in other pursuits to allow them to escape, if only for a short while. The Last Straw Anyway, after a while, they could get to the stage where they can no longer tolerate living in this way. As a result of this, they could look into how they can change their life so that it is meaningful. Part of them can want to live a life where they practically jump out of bed each day and make the most of the day that they have been given. Going through the motions and living like a machine is no longer going to cut it. The Next Step After spending time looking into what they can do to change their life, they can believe that there are a number of steps that they need to take. First, they need to find things that they enjoy doing. Second, they need to focus on contributing something or a number of things to the world. Third, they need to have relationships that are enriching and life-affirming. The Next Part At this point, though, they could struggle to think of things that they enjoy doing. And, if they can think of things that they enjoy doing, they might not feel the urge to do them. As for what they can contribute that will make a difference, they might not believe that they have anything to offer. They also might not have the urge to reach out to others and create bonds that are nurturing and uplifting. The other Side Alternatively, they could take these steps and be able to tick each of these boxes before long. Hoverer, although they are doing things that they enjoy, are making a contribution and have good friends, they could still have the sense that something is missing. Once again, it could be as if they are simply going through the motions, with the difference being that they are now doing some of the ‘right’ things. What could enter their mind at this point is that there must be something wrong with them. What’s going on? There is a chance that the reason what they have done hasn’t worked is because they are living on the surface of themselves. Due to this, they won’t be connected to their body and be in touch with their feelings. Without this connection to their body and their feelings, they won’t have access to what will allow them to live a life that is meaningful. Therefore, in the same way that the flavour found in food is what largely makes it enjoyable; their feelings are what largely make life meaningful. The First Part So, when one doesn’t have access to their feelings, they will naturally look toward the external world to provide them with meaning. But, as it has to come from within, it won’t matter what they do. This is why they can model those who live a meaningful life and do what they do or follow the advice of experts and ancient wisdom and still feel empty and indifferent. Now, as their feelings are so important, why wouldn’t they be connected to them? A Closer Look What this may show is that their early years were a time when it was too painful for them to be in their body and connected to their feelings. Consequently, they had to leave this part of them and live in their head. Not only would this have separated them from their feelings, it would have also separated them from their intuition and their body’s wisdom. This would have set them up to become dependent on their intellect, with them looking toward this small part of them to direct their life. What Happened? As to why it was too painful for them to be in their body at this stage of their life, it could show that they were deeply deprived. Their mother and/or father might have been emotionally unavailable. In addition to rarely being seen and heard, they may have been left and perhaps physically harmed and verbally put down. Irrespective of what happened, this would have deprived them of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way and this would have deeply wounded them. A Process Reconnecting to their body and their feelings is likely to take time. A big part of what will allow them to do this will be for them to face and work through the pain and experience the unmet developmental needs that they had to repress all those years ago. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone could see, if they were to reflect on their life, is that their inability to handle their emotions is having a negative on their life. They could also see that this is nothing new as they have been this way for as long as they can remember.
Due to this, they might not need to think too far back to remember when they last lost control and did something that they now regret. During this time, it could be as if something took control of them and there was nothing that they could do about it. All Area Irrespective of what area of their life this relates to, they can see that all areas of their life are being affected by this. So, when they are around friends, family, and their partner – if they have one – and at work, they can often lose it. Thanks to what they are like, they might have pushed a number of friends away over the years, alienated family members, had a number of partners cut their ties with them, and lost a number of jobs. When they think about what has happened, they could feel frustrated and angry and then sad. Self Blame After this, they could lay into themselves and believe that there must be something inherently wrong with them. Unlike, some people, then, they will be missing something and this will be why they are unable to experience self-control. What could play a part in what they believe is that, over the years, they may have been heavily criticised and labelled as being a certain way. Nonetheless, what they can keep in mind is that they won’t have chosen to be this way. A Few Examples When it comes to how they often behave, they could often be filled with anger and end up shouting and throwing things. They could also often experience a fair amount of shame and self-hate and end up doing something destructive towards themselves and perhaps others. Moreover, they could often feel down and low and just about lose the ability to do anything. Along with this, they could see that they are often impulsive, which often causes them to buy things that they don’t need and do things that don’t serve them. An Analogy Based on how they are experiencing life, they will have a lot in common with a small boat that is on the ocean. This boat will be thrown all over the place by the waves and tides What they will desperately want is to be like a large ship that can handle the waves and tides. If they were to end up reaching out for support, they could end up being told that they need to learn how to regulate their emotions. The Next Step For them to do this, they can be told that they need to learn to breathe into how they feel and to bring their attention to the present moment. Their thinking brain can then gradually end up coming back online and allow them to behave in a way that will serve them. Another part of this can be for them to name how they feel and, if and when they get the chance, to write down how they feel and what happened. The purpose of this will be for them to create space between how they feel and gain a deeper understanding of themselves. A New Experience They can also be told that it will be a good idea for them to regularly meditate, with this being seen as a way for them to experience greater self-control. Furthermore, the importance of exercise, sleep and a healthy diet can also be put forward as being important when it comes to staying calm. As the days, weeks, and months pass and they continue to apply what they have learnt, they could find that they are less reactive. Then again, they might find that while this approach works in the beginning, it doesn’t work for long, or that it doesn’t even work. Stepping Back Regardless of if it only works for a short time or doesn’t work at all, it could be said that this whole approach is coming from an inaccurate assessment. The view is that, as they are unable to regulate their emotions, they need to ‘learn’ how to do this. However, this is a bit like telling someone who has the tendency to stop breathing that they need to learn how to continually breathe. Of course, in this situation, what will be asked is why they stop breathing. Another Angle To use an analogy, if an engine kept heating up, the first question that is likely to be asked is: why is it heating up? With this in mind, if someone is unable to regulate their emotions, what needs to be explored is why they are unable to do this. The reason they are unable to regulate their inner world is probably because there is so much going on inside them. And, what this is likely to show is that they are loaded up with pain, with this being a sign that they have, at one stage of their life or another, experienced trauma. Too Much to Handle Thus, as a result of how much pain their system is carrying, it is simply not possible for their brain to function properly. Another part of this is that their frontal cortex may be damaged, which will undermine their ability to keep input from other areas of their brain at bay and out of their conscious awareness. But, even if this part of them is not damaged, if they are loaded up with pain, their conscious mind will end up being flooded by material that is held inside their unconscious mind. Considering this, as opposed to it being said that they need to purely learn how to regulate their emotions, it might be more accurate to say that they primarily need to start working through their pain, so that their system is no longer under so much pressure and can function properly. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Experiencing loss is part of the human experience but that doesn’t mean that someone will grieve after they have experienced a loss. As a result of this, they can do their best to carry on as normal.
Still, this is not to say that they will consciously avoid how they feel as this can be something that will happen automatically. So, as the days, weeks, and months pass, what took place could be a distant memory. External Feedback Thanks to how they come across, some of the people in their life could believe that they have actually moved on. These people could also believe that they are very strong for being able to get over what happened. What this may illustrate is that most if not all of these people don’t allow themselves to grieve after a loss either. Consequently, they won’t be able to realise that one has skipped this stage and hasn’t actually moved on. Another Part After a while, they could end up experiencing another loss and this time they might not be able to carry on as normal. This time, they could end up hitting rock bottom and be in a very bad way. Then again, this second loss might not be what does it and it could be the loss after. If it isn’t this loss, they won’t be able to avoid how they feel forever. A Deep Hole Assuming that it is this loss that has taken them out, they will have gone from how they were to being a very different person practically overnight. Along with feeling very low, they might no longer want to go out, have much motivation and even question if they want to be alive. When it comes to what has taken place, they might have experienced a breakup or lost a family member, for instance. Up until this point, the pain that relates to their previous loss will have been repressed. No Way Out If they are in a bad way, don’t want to go out, have lost just about all motivation and have lost the will to live, it will be as though their life is over. No matter how old they are then or what is going on in their life, they won’t see a reason to be alive. Being this way is naturally going to stop them from being able to embrace life. And, if a close friend or family member was to tell them that they have so much to live for and that their life will get better, it is unlikely to have much of an impact. Part of life However, even though it will seem as though all hope is lost and there is no point in them existing any more, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. Yet, for them to be able to know this for themselves, they are going to have pain to face and work through. Additionally, talking about their experience and being creative, among other things, are also likely to help. Ultimately, this is a process as opposed to something that they will do for a few weeks and that’s the end of it. A Different Approach By facing the pain they are in and allowing themselves to cry, they will be slowly healing themselves. This is not to say that this will allow their life to ‘go back to normal’ as their life is not going to be the same again – it will be a new normal. What it does mean is that they will gradually be able to accept that their life is not over and embrace life again. In other words, one door will have closed but another door will soon end up opening. Another Factor When it comes to why they avoided facing how they felt after their previous loss and perhaps other losses, it can be due to the fact that they are carrying a lot of pain. This pain can be a consequence of what took place during their formative years. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have been deprived of the love that they needed. This would then have been a time in their life that was filled with loss, which would have deeply wounded them. The Catalyst If this is the case, the losses that they have experienced as an adult would have added more pain to the pain that they were already carrying. Thus, their last loss would have pushed them past the point of no return, as their brain would have no longer been able to keep their pain at bay. A lot of the pain that was held inside their unconscious mind would have poured into their conscious mind. Now that this has taken place, they will no longer be able to run away from what is taking place inside them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotionally Shut Down: Can Someone Be Unaffected By Experiences If They Are Emotionally Shut Down?11/6/2023
Now that someone is an adult, they will have had many different experiences since they were a child. But, even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that they will feel a lot different.
However, if they are not in tune with how they feel, this is not going to be something that will stand out. They can then continue to have many different experiences but no matter what they go through, life is typically not going to leave a mark on them. An Important Part What this illustrates is that in order for them to take life in, they will need to be able to feel. Having the ability to feel is what will allow them to truly experience what is going on externally. Their feelings are then going to serve as a ‘receiver’ that allows them to pick on what is going on around them. Without his inner ‘receiver’, they won’t be able to pick up on the signals that are sent to them. An Analogy One way to understand this is to think about how a sponge and a rock respond to water. If a sponge is put into water, it will pick up a fair amount of water; whereas if a rock is put into water, it would just wash over it. The sponge will be heavily impacted by the water, whilst the rock won’t be. The former is receptive to life and is able to take life in, yet the latter is not receptive to life and can’t take life in. A Closer Look Taking this into account, it won’t matter if they have lived a fairly normal life or have lived what could be described as a life of adventure. So, they might have had a variety of different jobs or careers, had numerous relationships and/or travelled to many different countries, for instance. Of course, they will have stories to tell and there will be the mental impact of what took place, but that is likely to be about as far as it will go. This is not to say that they won’t have experienced any emotional reactions throughout their life; no, it is that these will generally not have been deep emotional reactions. Another Part Along with this, how they have reacted is likely to have been influenced by feelings from their past. In other words, their present will have unlocked feelings that they have carried since they were a child. Due to these feelings, they are likely to have been moments when they overreacted and underreacted. Thanks to this, they might have often believed that what was going on for them was ‘irrational’. Steeping Back If they were to step back and reflect on their life, they could soon wonder why they are generally unable to feel deeply and take life in. They could then see that they have not had a strong connection with their feelings for as long as they can remember. And, if they started to reconnect with how they feel, they could see that parts of them are not very developed. The reason for this is that when they connect to these parts, they could feel like a powerless and dependent child. What’s going on? What this may show is that their early years were anything but nurturing and this caused them to go into a shut down state. As they would have been powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. So, becoming an unfeeling person would have been the only way for them to keep it together and function. If this hadn’t taken place, it is highly likely that they wouldn’t be alive. Going Deeper This may have been a stage of their life when they were abused and/or neglected. They would then have been deprived of the love that they needed and been deeply wounded in the process. Disconnecting from their feelings and, thus, their body, would have stopped them from being overwhelmed. Losing their ability to take life in would have served them then but now it will no longer be serving them. A New Experience For them to be able to take life in, it will be important for them to face and work through the pain that is inside them. By doing this, they will gradually begin to settle down and open up, allowing them to take in more of life as a result. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
At this point in time, someone may be working towards something, and this could be something that they hope to achieve in a few months or it could be slightly longer. And, due to how important it is to them, it could also consume a lot of their attention.
So, throughout the day and when they go to bed at night, they will be thinking about it. What might also often cross their mind is how they will feel once this has taken place and how different their life will be. One Example When it comes to what they are working towards, it could be a degree or a master’s degree. Irrespective of what qualification it is, this might be something that they have been working on for a number of years. If this is what they have been working on, they are likely to have put in a lot of time and effort. What is clear is that this will be something that has taken a lot of discipline and perseverance. Within Reach Once they have submitted their work and the time comes for them to wait for their grades, they could start to feel a sense of relief, mixed with a small amount of anxiety. Around the time when they are close to finding out, they could find it hard to sleep. Fast forward to when they receive their grades, this could be a time when they will feel happy and very relieved. But, this might not be something that lasts for very long as they could soon feel very low. Confusion They will have achieved something that they have been working on for a number of years and instead of feeling fulfilled, it will be as though something is missing. At this point, they could struggle to understand why they feel this way. Before long, however, they could end up finding something else to work towards, believing that this time it will be different. Yet, to cut a long story short, the same thing could take place all over again. An Analogy Based on what takes place, it will be similar to them ordering something from a restaurant and then looking forward to eating it. Yet, once it arrives and they try it, it is nothing like how they expected it to be and they feel deeply unsatisfied. Now, if they were to take a step back, what might stand out is that when they are working towards something they feel good, but, once they have achieved it they don’t. If so, it will be clear that they enjoy the first part but not the second part. Two Levels At this stage, it will be important to point out that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. And, as they don’t feel how they expect to feel once they have achieved something, it is likely to show that these parts of them are not in harmony. At a conscious level, achieving something is going to be a way for them to fill certain needs and, at an unconscious level, it is also going to be a way for them to fill certain needs. This is not to say that these needs are separate, though, as what is going on a deeper level will influence what they want at a conscious level. Going Deeper Deep down, they can have the need to try to receive the love that they missed out on during their formative years. A number of the things that they have achieved and want to achieve will then have been and will be a way for them to try to fulfil their unmet developmental need to be loved. When they are working towards something, they will be engaging in an old struggle to be loved. But, if they were deprived of the love that they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did and now that this stage of their life is over, it will be too late for them to receive this love. Repeating The Past Nonetheless, while many, many years will have passed, a big part of them will still hope that they will finally be loved and will believe that achieving ‘fill in the blank’ will allow them to do this. Ultimately, living in hope will be a way for them to avoid the pain that they were not strong enough to experience all those years ago and had to be repressed. For them to end this struggle and no longer look for what can’t be attained, they will need to reconnect to this pain and work through it. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotionally Shut Down: Can Someone Pathologize Themselves If They Are Emotionally Shut Down?16/2/2023
After someone has become aware of the fact that they are not connected to their feelings or are rarely connected to them, they might end up criticising themselves. They could even end up believing that there is something inherently wrong with them.
If so, this is not going to be a time when they will be kind and compassionate towards themselves. Being this way is going to make their life harder than it needs to be and not being on their own side will make it even harder. One Step Back When it comes to how they become aware of their inner disconnection, it could be because they got into a relationship. At first, they might have been fine but as things progressed, it would have become clear that something wasn’t right. Instead of being able to emotionally connect to their partner and freely express how they felt, this wouldn’t have taken place. They might have wondered what was going on and perhaps questioned if they were with the right person. Confusion Once it became clear that they didn’t have a strong connection with their feelings, it might not have been long until the relationship came to an end. Before this took place, though, their partner might have criticised them for how they were. If so, this would have made it harder for them to handle what was going on and perhaps to feel bad, too. Still, even if this didn’t take place, what was going on was likely to have been deeply frustrating for them. A Similar Experience What they may also find, if they were to look back on their life, is that this is not the first time they have had this experience. They may have been in at least one other relationship where they were unable to connect to how they felt. If they have, they might have simply believed that they were with the wrong person and it would be different once they met the right person. Yet, now that this has happened on more than one occasion, it will be clear that what is going on for them is the issue. Additional Feedback Along with what has taken place when it comes to their romantic relationships, they might have at least one friend that has described them as being emotionally disconnected. This friend might have expressed this in a critical manner or they might not. Either way, after the experiences that they have had and the feedback that they have received, they won’t be able to ignore what is going on for them. The trouble is that although they are aware of what is going on, how they are viewing what is going on is not going to serve them. The Truth What they will need to keep in mind at this point is that they are not choosing to be this way and if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, there is a strong chance that they have been deeply traumatised. Considering this, it will be important for them to be kind and compassionate toward themselves. Moreover, as opposed to judging themselves, they can move to a place of being deeply curious about why they are this way. By doing this, they will gradually go from being their own worst enemy to their own best friend. A Closer Look If they were to look back on their life, they might not be able to remember a time that was very stressful. What this can show is that their brain has blocked out what took place in order to allow them to function and keep it together. The downside of this is that the information that would shed light on why they are this way will be outside of their conscious awareness. There is a chance that they were deeply traumatised during their formative years. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, they might have been overwhelmed on a regular basis, with this causing them to shut down after a while. This could show that they were abused and/or neglected. Due to how underdeveloped they were and as they were unable to attach to their parent or parents, they wouldn’t have been another option. Losing the ability to feel was then what allowed them to handle a brutal stage of their life. The Key Point Keeping this in mind is likely to play an important part in them being able to see themselves differently and be kind towards themselves. They will be able to see that while their inner disconnection is making their life harder as an adult if they didn’t respond in this way earlier on, they probably wouldn’t be alive. They will have been through a lot and by understanding why they are this way and being in a place of acceptance, it will be a lot easier for them to move forward. Being in a place of resistance, on the other hand, will make it harder. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotional Self: Can Developmental Trauma Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Emotional Self?7/11/2022
If someone is in a position where they are typically out of touch with how they feel, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of this. But, if this is how they how been for quite some time, there will be no reason for it to stand out.
And, as they are likely to live in a society that is full of people who are, to one degree or another, shut down, the chances of another person noticing what is going on for them are low. Being this way, then, can allow them to blend in with others and to even be seen as someone who is well-adjusted. Undermined Not being connected to how they feel is going to make it hard for them to form deep connections with others and stop them from having access to their inner guidance. As a result of this, they can have surface-level relationships and be reliant on external guidance when it comes to how they should behave. Still, this is not to say that they will realise this as, once again, this might not stand out. But, if they have had relationships like this for a number of years and been outer-directed for just as long, why would they? Shinning the Light What might allow them to see that they don’t have a strong connection with their emotional self is if they were to end up in a relationship. This could be a time when they will struggle to connect to how they feel. Coming to see this might make them wonder if there is something inherently wrong with them and they could fall into a hole of despair. On the plus side, at least they will have been able to see what is going on. Another Outcome Then again, this could be a time when they believe that it’s because they are not really into the other person. If they were with someone else, then, they would have a different experience. Before long, though, they could end up in the same position and this time it might be a lot harder for them to accept that it is simply the other person. They could end up coming face to face with the fact that there is far more to it. No More Running So, irrespective of if they could accept this straight away or needed to be with a number of people, they could wonder why they don’t have a strong connection with their emotional self. They might soon see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What could also stand out is that they don’t have a deep connection with anyone and have primarily been driven by their head and by their need to please others. At this point, they could question if they were simply born this way and thus, will always be this way. A Tough Time They could end up looking into why they would be this way and come to see that they are emotionally shut down. Due to this, they could see themselves as someone who is broken. What might play a part in this is if they come across information that criticises people like this and doesn’t take into account that someone like this is unlikely to have simply chosen to be this way. Ultimately, they are likely to be this way due to their development period being brutal. A Closer Look So, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were anything but nurturing. This may have been a time when they were often left and when they were given attention, it might have primarily been misattuned care. Missing out on the right care and being traumatised would have deprived them of what they needed and caused them to experience a lot of pain. To handle this, they would have automatically gone into a disconnected, shut down, collapsed and frozen state One Option This would have stopped them from being able to receive and take anything in. But, as they were powerless and totally helpless, they couldn’t change what was going on externally. The only thing that they could do was to adapt to what was going on, becoming a divided human being in the process. Being in touch with their feelings and needs would have been too painful, so losing touch with their body would have protected them. A Natural Outcome Taking into account what they went through, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t have a strong connection with their emotional self or their body for that matter. Being this way will now be causing them problems but, if they hadn’t adapted in this way, they probably wouldn’t be alive. What this illustrates is that there is nothing inherently wrong with them and they didn’t choose to be this way. A stage of their life when they were totally helpless was a stage when they were deeply wounded and had to be incredibly strong. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to hide how they really feel. As a result of this, the people in their life are unlikely to be aware of what is truly going on for them.
However, due to how good they are at hiding how they feel, there can be no reason for these people to realise this. There is then going to be how they believe one is doing and how they are actually doing. One Experience This could mean that one will typically come across as though nothing bothers them and they are doing fine. There is a chance that some of the people in their life are also in the same position and seldom reveal how they feel. When one is by themselves, they might often allow themselves to embrace how they really feel. Or, they could have the inclination to do what they can to avoid how they feel. Isolated As their feelings will play a key role in what will allow them to form deeper connections with others, generally keeping them to themselves is going to make it hard for them to do this. Furthermore, if another person doesn’t know what is really going on for them, they won’t be able to provide them with the support that they may need. For example, if they are going through a challenging time and they don’t make this clear to a friend, for instance, they won’t be able to lend a hand, so to speak. They can then end up suffering in silence. A Way of life They might not just have moments when they suffer in silence, though, as this could be a normal part of their life. Nevertheless, if they have the tendency to hide how they feel and are deprived of the support and care that they need, this is to be expected. They are then going to act more like an independent as opposed to an interdependent human being. The truth is that they are not their own island and need to be supported by others. An Automatic Process This doesn’t mean that they will consciously choose to hide how they feel as this is likely to be something that could just happen. If so, their true self will be hidden and they will end up expressing a false self. After they have been around a friend or a number of friends, they could often end up wondering why they have behaved in this way. Still, before long, they could forget about this and carry on with their life. What’s going on? If they were to think about how they behave and how long this has been going on, they may find that they have been this way for most of their life. What could soon enter their mind is that they were simply born this way. Consequently, they could come to the conclusion that there is nothing that they can do and they will always be this way. Nonetheless, even if they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. An Activity One way for them to attain a deeper understating of why they are this way is for them to imagine that they are with a friend and are expressing how they feel. At first, this might be something that feels good and is a massive relief. But, after a little while, this might be something that causes them to experience a fair amount of anxiety. Thanks to this, they could feel the need to hide how they feel and to go back to how they were before. Confusion If this is what takes place, they could struggle to understand why they feel so uncomfortable when it comes to expressing how they feel and being real. What this may show is that they were not provided with the care that they needed during their formative years. This may have been a time when they were often left, which would have deeply wounded them. Additionally, they would have come to associate expressing their feelings and needs as something that would cause them to be left and then die. A Helpless Place Ultimately, they were deprived of the care that they needed because of what was going on for their parent or parents’, not because there was anything wrong with their feelings and needs. The trouble is that during this stage of their life, they wouldn’t have had the level of development required to realise this and as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to find another family either. To handle the pain they were in, they would have automatically gone into a shut down state and lost touch with their feelings and a number of their needs. Thus, as changing what was going on wasn’t an option; they had to lose touch with themselves. A Process To go from someone who often hides their feelings and needs from others and even themselves will take courage and patience and persistence. This is likely to be a time when they will be working through pain and expressing unmet developmental needs. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After having recently lost a parent, someone could find that they are now experiencing a number of different feelings. There can also be a sense of shock around what has happened, with them finding it hard to accept that they will never see this parent again.
When it comes to how they feel, they are likely to feel a deep sense of loss and sadness. This can mean that they will spend a fair amount of time crying and when they are not crying, they could simply feel very low and depressed. Keeping it Together If they are still able to function, it could show that, at times, they are able to lose touch with how they feel. This can be a time when they will shut down, which will allow their mind to be a lot clearer. By being this way, they might be able to carry on as normal at work and still perform and to take care of other responsibilities, for instance. But, as time passes, it could get harder and harder for them to do so and they may need to take a break to avoid breaking down. Another Part Along with this, this can be a time when they will have moments when they are overwhelmed with guilt. Therefore, not only will they be suffering as a result of what has happened but they will also feel as though they have done something wrong. Or to be more accurate, they may feel as though they have done a number of things that were wrong. In addition to experiencing guilt, then, they will be filled with a deep sense of regret. For Example What this may show is that they didn’t get on with this parent and they usually argued whenever they saw them. Then again, they might not have argued with them but they might have rarely seen them. Regardless of whether they can or can’t relate to one of these scenarios, they are going to spend a fair amount of time thinking about what they should have done when this parent was alive. When this parent was alive, however, they would have had a very different outlook. Totally Overlooked Even so, their mind will have forgotten all about what it was like before and will go over all the things that they should have done. Through being caught up in what this part of them says, it is to be expected that they will have moments when they will feel very bad. If they saw themselves as a good person before, they can now see themselves as a bad person. To make matters worse, as this parent has now passed on they won’t be able to make up for the wrongs that they believe they have committed. Stepping Back Due to how emotionally raw they are and how strong the guilt is that they are experiencing, their ability to think clearly will have been greatly undermined. If this part of them was to come back online, they might soon see how irrational their guilt is. First, they wouldn’t have known then at a mental and emotional level what they know now at a mental and emotional level. If they had known before what they know now at both of these levels, they would have behaved differently. Another point Second, there is a strong chance that they were not solely responsible for the relationship that they had with this parent. So while they can think about what they should have done, there is also likely to be what their parent could have done differently. The trouble, of course, is that although one is still alive and able to reflect on how things were and what they could have done, and thereby, experience guilt and regret, their parent is no longer in a position to do this. At the same time, and if this parent is on the other side, so to speak, there is the chance that they have reflected on what took place and what they could have done and are also feeling guilty about how they behaved and are filled with regret. In Balance In the same way that they will be able to see more clearly as this parent is no longer around, their parent will now be able to see more clearly now they are no longer in the human form. This is not to say that they have necessarily become a highly evolved version of themselves; it is perhaps that they are free from a number of the illusions that they were caught up in before and perhaps, through no longer inhabiting a body that was not in a good way, they can see things a lot more clearly. If this is taken into account, they will be able to see that there is no need for them to carry all of the weight and that both they themselves and their parent had a part to play before. To accept this other part, they might need to question what they believe about what happens when someone passes on as they might believe that once someone dies, that’s the end of it. Destined To Happen With that aside, they might see that they were not overly close to this parent due to what took place during their early years. In this case, they were not able to fully bond with them and this then shaped what kind of relationship they had and would have with them as time went by. This will show that their parent was just as responsible as they themselves are when it comes to how things turned out. Keeping this in mind and facing up to how things actually were probably won’t stop them from feeling guilty straight away but it can allow them to gradually let go of the guilt that they are experiencing. Final Thoughts What guilt and blame can also do is give them a sense of control and allow them to avoid feeling totally helpless. In truth, they are totally helpless when it comes to what has taken place; there is absolutely nothing that they can do. All they can do is to surrender to how they feel and allow themselves to grieve. By surrendering as opposed to trying to change or control what is going on, they will gradually be able to embrace life once again. Final Thoughts What is essential during this time is that they don’t isolate themselves or try to keep everything in and reach out for the right support. No one is their own island and in times like this, far more support is likely to be needed than usual.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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