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After having recently lost a parent, someone could find that they are now experiencing a number of different feelings. There can also be a sense of shock around what has happened, with them finding it hard to accept that they will never see this parent again.
When it comes to how they feel, they are likely to feel a deep sense of loss and sadness. This can mean that they will spend a fair amount of time crying and when they are not crying, they could simply feel very low and depressed. Keeping it Together If they are still able to function, it could show that, at times, they are able to lose touch with how they feel. This can be a time when they will shut down, which will allow their mind to be a lot clearer. By being this way, they might be able to carry on as normal at work and still perform and to take care of other responsibilities, for instance. But, as time passes, it could get harder and harder for them to do so and they may need to take a break to avoid breaking down. Another Part Along with this, this can be a time when they will have moments when they are overwhelmed with guilt. Therefore, not only will they be suffering as a result of what has happened but they will also feel as though they have done something wrong. Or to be more accurate, they may feel as though they have done a number of things that were wrong. In addition to experiencing guilt, then, they will be filled with a deep sense of regret. For Example What this may show is that they didn’t get on with this parent and they usually argued whenever they saw them. Then again, they might not have argued with them but they might have rarely seen them. Regardless of whether they can or can’t relate to one of these scenarios, they are going to spend a fair amount of time thinking about what they should have done when this parent was alive. When this parent was alive, however, they would have had a very different outlook. Totally Overlooked Even so, their mind will have forgotten all about what it was like before and will go over all the things that they should have done. Through being caught up in what this part of them says, it is to be expected that they will have moments when they will feel very bad. If they saw themselves as a good person before, they can now see themselves as a bad person. To make matters worse, as this parent has now passed on they won’t be able to make up for the wrongs that they believe they have committed. Stepping Back Due to how emotionally raw they are and how strong the guilt is that they are experiencing, their ability to think clearly will have been greatly undermined. If this part of them was to come back online, they might soon see how irrational their guilt is. First, they wouldn’t have known then at a mental and emotional level what they know now at a mental and emotional level. If they had known before what they know now at both of these levels, they would have behaved differently. Another point Second, there is a strong chance that they were not solely responsible for the relationship that they had with this parent. So while they can think about what they should have done, there is also likely to be what their parent could have done differently. The trouble, of course, is that although one is still alive and able to reflect on how things were and what they could have done, and thereby, experience guilt and regret, their parent is no longer in a position to do this. At the same time, and if this parent is on the other side, so to speak, there is the chance that they have reflected on what took place and what they could have done and are also feeling guilty about how they behaved and are filled with regret. In Balance In the same way that they will be able to see more clearly as this parent is no longer around, their parent will now be able to see more clearly now they are no longer in the human form. This is not to say that they have necessarily become a highly evolved version of themselves; it is perhaps that they are free from a number of the illusions that they were caught up in before and perhaps, through no longer inhabiting a body that was not in a good way, they can see things a lot more clearly. If this is taken into account, they will be able to see that there is no need for them to carry all of the weight and that both they themselves and their parent had a part to play before. To accept this other part, they might need to question what they believe about what happens when someone passes on as they might believe that once someone dies, that’s the end of it. Destined To Happen With that aside, they might see that they were not overly close to this parent due to what took place during their early years. In this case, they were not able to fully bond with them and this then shaped what kind of relationship they had and would have with them as time went by. This will show that their parent was just as responsible as they themselves are when it comes to how things turned out. Keeping this in mind and facing up to how things actually were probably won’t stop them from feeling guilty straight away but it can allow them to gradually let go of the guilt that they are experiencing. Final Thoughts What guilt and blame can also do is give them a sense of control and allow them to avoid feeling totally helpless. In truth, they are totally helpless when it comes to what has taken place; there is absolutely nothing that they can do. All they can do is to surrender to how they feel and allow themselves to grieve. By surrendering as opposed to trying to change or control what is going on, they will gradually be able to embrace life once again. Final Thoughts What is essential during this time is that they don’t isolate themselves or try to keep everything in and reach out for the right support. No one is their own island and in times like this, far more support is likely to be needed than usual.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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The part of someone’s being that provides them with aggression and thus anger and rage is there to protect them. Along with this, it will give them the energy and drive that they need to get things done.
It will then allow them to take care of the basics, so their ‘lower’ needs and to go after their dreams, so their ‘higher’ needs. What this will mean is that it will allow them to express and assert themselves. A Key part From this, it is clear to see is that this part of their being is vital, not just in terms of their survival but also their ability to thrive. So, if they don’t have access to this part of them, they are going to suffer unnecessarily. Based on how important this part is, it can seem strange as to why someone wouldn’t have access to it. But, if someone is in this position, it doesn’t mean that they will realise it. The Norm Not being in touch with their anger can just be what is normal and therefore it won’t stand out. By being this way, there is a strong chance that they will be used to being walked over and taken advantage of. Yet, instead of getting angry about this, they could just end up feeling frustrated and depressed. As opposed to pushing their energy out and standing their ground, they will end up keeping it in and fall into themselves. A Heavy Place Each time they are walked over, another layer of pain is likely to go on top of the pain that they have experienced previously. Thanks to this pain, it could be as though they are carrying a heavyweight. Along with this heaviness that they carry, they could often experience tension in their mouth, throat, shoulders, chest and stomach. This will be a sign of the anger and rage that they are carrying that is outside of their conscious awareness. A Non-Entity In general, they could do what other people want and overlook their own needs and feelings. This can take place without them even being aware of the fact that they are neglecting themselves. Still, living in this way is going to deprive them of the nutrients that they need to be able to feel alive, whole and fulfilled. Ultimately, they will act more like an extension of others than a separate human being who has their own needs, feelings, wants and preferences. Stepping Back If they were able to detach from what is going on, perhaps after getting to the point where they can no longer continue living in this way, they may wonder what is going on. How they behave might not make any sense to them. What this is likely to illustrate is that they don’t feel safe enough to embrace, let alone express their anger. Ignoring this part of them is then going to be seen as the only way for them to survive. An Exercise If they were to imagine that they are being walked over, they might notice that they stop themselves from getting angry. They may see that their body tightens up or is tight and doesn’t allow their anger to enter their conscious awareness. But, if they were able to embrace their anger, they could end up experiencing fear and anxiety, and guilt and shame. Before long, how they feel will end up being pushed out of their conscious awareness. A Closer Look What can be behind the discomfort that they experience is the fear that they will end up being rejected and abandoned. Being angry will be seen as something that will cause them to be isolated and for their life to come to an end. At this point, their conscious mind might have absolutely no idea why they are this way. This is likely to show that their brain has blocked out the information that would shed light on why they are this way in order to protect them. Back In Time There is the chance that their formative years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were often neglected. When they expressed their needs, they may have been often left. This would have caused them to associate self-expression as something that will cause them to suffer. Over time, they would have lost touch with their needs and feelings and become super focused on the needs of their caregiver/s. A Brutal Time This is not to say that behaving in this way would have stopped them from being isolated, though, as it is likely to have continued to happen. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. Their only option was to repress how they felt and go into a shut-down, collapsed and frozen state. What they desperately needed was their caregiver’s attention, love and support, and not receiving this would have deeply wounded them. The Outcome Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life but a big part of them won’t have moved on. They are going to be in a developmentally stunted state and they will carry a lot of pain. A big part of what will allow them to move forward and reconnect to their body will be for them to work through this pain. This is something that will take patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotionally Disconnected: Can Developmental Trauma Cause Someone To Be Emotionally Shut Down?17/3/2022
What someone may see, if they were able to step back and reflect on their life, is that they don’t have a good connection with their needs and are rarely in touch with how they feel. This is likely to mean that they will spend a fair amount of time living in their head.
What they could also find is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. As a result of this, this could just be seen as who they are and they may believe that their life will always be this way. Their Experience By living life in this way, they could find that they typically feel disconnected from others and life itself. This is because the connection that they have with others and life are going to mirror the connection that they have with themselves. By being on the outside, so to speak, they could often feel very low and depressed and even wonder if life has any meaning. Still, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t have any friends and spend most of their time by themselves. Surface Level Connections If they do have a number of friends, there is a strong chance that most of their friendships will lack depth. When they are around one of their friends, they could typically talk about what they have done and current affairs, for instance. This will mean that they won’t talk about how they feel and most if not all of their needs will be hidden. Due to this, they could largely come across as some who is needless or doesn’t need a great deal. A Natural outcome But, if they are rarely in touch with their needs and feelings, it is not much of a surprise that they will generally act this way. It won’t be that they are consciously choosing to hide their needs and feelings; this will be something that just happens. This is then going to be no different to what happens when they are by themselves, with this also being a time when they are typically not going to have a good understanding of what is going on for them. For their life to change and to live a fulfilling life, they will need to create a better connection with themselves. An Empty Existence As they are alive, it will show that they are, at the very least, meeting their basic needs but for them to live a life that is worth living, they will need to meet the rest of their needs and wants. Until this takes place, they are likely to often feel empty and deprived and life will continue to be experienced as cold, meaningless and bleak. Also, their need to experience deeper connections with others won’t take place and this will mean that they won’t be able to experience intimacy. Right now, this can seem like something that is completely out of their reach. The Next Step However, even though this will need to take place for their life to be transformed, it doesn’t mean that they will just be able to reconnect to themselves. If it was just a case of them reconnecting to their body, it wouldn’t take long for their life to change. When it comes to why their life is this way, it could be due to what took place during their developmental years. This may have been a stage of their life when they were routinely neglected and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care. Out of mind Yet, thanks to how painful this would have been, their brain would have ended up blocking out what took place to protect them. This would have caused them to be unaware of the cause but their life will be defined by the impact of what took place. So, when they were left, it would have been too much for their undeveloped brain and nervous system to handle. To handle what was going on, their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut-down, collapsed and frozen state. No Choice As for when they were given attention, the same thing would have also taken place. This was a stage of their life when they were powerless and totally dependent, so they were unable to do anything about what was going on. Ultimately, disconnecting from themselves would have allowed them to survive a brutal stage of their life but now that this stage is over, it will no longer be serving them. In other words, they no longer need to live in this way to survive. A Process Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life but their brain and body will be loaded up with pain. If all this pain was to enter their conscious awareness, it would be too much for them to handle; this is why it will need to be worked through in stages. For them to be able to get to the point where they can feel their pain they may need to work through a number of defences and as well as armouring that they have in place to protect them. Once they have worked through a number of these barriers, it will be easier for them to surrender to how they feel and to work through their pain. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotional Wounds: Can Someone Unconsciously Look For Love If They Were Neglected As A Child?2/1/2022
Even if someone’s early years were a time when their developmental needs were rarely if ever met, it doesn’t mean that they have well and truly put this stage of their life behind them. Nonetheless, there is the chance that they have completely forgotten about this stage of their life.
Or to be more accurate, their conscious mind may have no recollection of what took place during their early years. Their unconscious mind/body, on the other hand, won’t have lost touch with what took place. Two Parts On one level, then, what took place will be over and they will now be an adult but, on another level, the past will be very much with them. The pain that they experienced by rarely getting their needs met will be held inside them. Thanks to the defences that their conscious mind has in place, this pain is seldom going to enter their conscious awareness. But, while this part of them won’t be aware of what is going on in another part of their being, this pain will still influence their life. One Outcome For example, they could spend a lot of time do-ing and very little time be-ing. This could mean that they are very goal orientated and spend most of their life doing what they can to move forward. Due to being this way, there is the chance that they will be seen as being very successful and a lot of people could admire them. Once they have achieved something, though, they could soon be onto the next thing. Stuck On a Treadmill This will stop them from being able to bathe in the satisfaction of having achieved something and embracing the moment. Before they had achieved something, a semi-conscious part of them may have believed that it would have allowed them to feel different but, as is usually the case, it might not have had much of an effect. Focusing on the next goal will then be another way for them to finally change how they feel. They could carry on behaving in this way until they have some kind of breakdown and can no longer continue. The Reason If they were asked why they are so driven and are, essentially, unable to sit still and to surrender to life, they could say something like – life is to be lived and being successful is better than being a failure. Or they could say that they simply enjoy living in this way and that it makes them feel good. If they were to take a break and have some time off, this could be a time when they will feel restless and even angry. This will give them the need to go back to what they were doing as soon as they can. Another Area When it comes to their relationships, they might not have many close friends; in general, the people in their life could be more like associates. If they are in an intimate relationship, they might not be very close to their partner. Alternatively, they could be single and have had a number of relationships that were not very fulfilling. In each of these previous relationships, they might not have been able to form a very deep bond. The Driver Behind their need to achieve and be successful will be the part of them that desperately wants to be loved. This part of them – what can be seen as a child part - will be looking for the love that they missed out on during their early years. It won’t matter that this stage of their life is over and these needs will never be met as this part of them will hope that they will be met. Yet, as this will be taking place outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t be able to do anything about it. Enslaved One can then believe that they are choosing to behave in this way; when in reality, they will be being controlled by a hidden part of themselves. And as their needs were rarely met during their early years, it may have caused them to disconnect from their need to be loved. Consequently, they will be driven to receive the love that they missed out on as a child but they won’t be consciously aware of the fact that they want to be loved. To use an analogy; it will be like they are walking towards the sea but walking to the sea won’t be on their mind. Inner Conflict But, not only cant these needs be met by another adult, they are also likely to fear receiving love. They will then be reaching out for something with one hand and pushing it away with the other. This is because they wouldn’t have been able to bond with their caregivers and to form a healthy attachment to them as they were not given the attuned care that they needed and were likely to have been smothered, and thus, overwhelmed by their care. Having these experiences would have also caused them to feel ashamed of themselves and their needs, which will play a part in why they have been indirectly trying to receive love. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In general, someone can have the inclination to feel helpless, and this is likely to make it hard for them to live a fulfilling life. What this comes down to is that they won’t feel as though they are able to do anything to change their life.
This is likely to show that this is more than just something that they feel, though, as it could be something that has permeated their whole being. It is then not just going to be that they feel helpless; they will be helpless. Going Upwards If something does happen and they end up feeling different, it is unlikely to be long until they fall right back down again. When this happens, it might take a little while for them to adapt to how they feel. The reason for this is that experiencing a sense of power will have allowed them to feel good and then, to go back to how they were before will be even harder, if only for a short while. Due to this, they might prefer to stay as they are. For Example There are a number of things that might allow them to rise up, albeit briefly. These can include: receiving money, receiving attention, being in a relationship, exercising and having sex. How they feel when they experience one of these things or another will be so different to how they usually feel that they might often try to hold onto the experience. When this happens, it will be difficult for them to surrender to the experience and to fully embrace it. Other Elements As they often feel helpless, it is also likely to mean that they will often feel down and depressed. This can be seen as a natural consequence of feeling powerless and not feeling as if they have much of an effect on their life. When they feel this way, their whole body could feel very heavy and weighed down. They won’t have anything on top of them but it will be as though they are at the bottom of a fallen building. Looking Back If they were to think about how long they have experienced life in this way, they may find that they have more or less always been this way. So, for as long as they can remember, they will have been out of touch with their personal power. They could believe that they were born this way and this is then how they will always be. Based on this, they will have been born feeling powerless and there won’t be anything that they can do about it. One Outlook However, if they were to reach out for support, they could end up being told that they need to master their mind. Their ‘negative’ thoughts will be the problem and, once, they are able to replace these with ‘positive’ thoughts, they will start to feel different. In other words, what is going on for them up top will be the issue, not what is going on anywhere else. This mind-based approach may work or it might only work for a short while. A Surface Level Approach Even if it does work, it might only repress what is truly going on for them. What this comes down to is that what is taking place in their mind, along with how they feel can be an effect of what is going on for them at a deeper level. What is seen as the problem is then a symptom of what is going on for them in their unconscious mind/body. The challenge is that if one lives in a society that is mind centred and believes that someone begins and ends with their conscious mind, the cause won’t be dealt with. Going Deeper With this in mind, if someone has felt helpless for as long as they can remember, it can show that their early years were not very nurturing. When they were an infant and then a toddler, they may have often been left. When they were given attention, it may have often been mssatuned care. Consequently, they wouldn’t have received the emotional nutrients that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. A Loveless Environment The only way for them to handle the pain that they experienced would have been to disconnect from themselves. This would have also caused their body to go into a shut down, collapsed state. They would have felt helpless because they were helpless. Shutting down and not resisting what was going on would have allowed them to survive a stage of their life that was brutal; if their parasympathetic nervous system hadn’t been activated and they had tried to resist what was going on, they would have probably soon died. A Reflection of Reality Without this understanding, how they feel as an adult can simply be seen as being irrational and as purely a reflection of what is taking place in their head. With this understanding, it becomes clear that how they feel is completely rational given what they experienced very early on. What this illustrates is that the pain that someone experiences during their early years doesn’t just disappear once they become an adult. The challenge is that if they live in a society where their history is not explored and then taken into account, this pain will be overlooked and the root of their issue/s won’t be dealt with. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotional Wounds: Can Someone Use Hope To Defend Themselves Against Their Emotional Wounds?25/12/2021
When something is not going well, it can be normal for someone to hope that things will soon change. If they didn’t feel this way, they could feel helpless, and this is not going to allow them to feel good or to see a way forward.
However, it wouldn’t be right to say that experiencing hope is the only option here as one could also believe that things will get better. By being this way, they won’t hope that what is going on changes; they will know that it will change. A Very Different Place When it comes to the former, one is going to be coming from a place of weakness. They won’t feel strong or confident in their ability to experience their desired outcome or for things to change, so they will hope that it changes. Yet, when it comes to the latter, they will be coming from a place of strength. They will feel strong and confident in their ability to experience their desired outcome or at the very least to move forward, so they won’t hope that things change. It Stands Out Now, although there are moments like this when one will know that they are in a place of hope, it doesn’t mean that this will always be the case. Another way of looking at this would be to say that there will be times when one will consciously experience hope and times when they will unconsciously experience hope. Still, even if this is something that is taking place just outside of their conscious awareness, it doesn’t mean that it will have less of an effect. In all likelihood, it is likely to have a far greater impact as they won’t know about it and therefore, won’t be able to do anything about it. Unmet Childhood Needs When it comes to something that they are not aware of but hope will happen, it can relate to something that they missed out on during their early years. This may have been a time when a number of their developmental needs were rarely if ever met. For example, they might have often been neglected and deprived of the love, nurturance and care that they needed to be able to develop in the right way. This would have been a time when they experienced a lot of pain. One Option Due to how powerless and dependent they were, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. It wasn’t possible for them to stop what was going on and they wouldn’t have been able to run away. As a result of this, they had to repress how they felt and while this wouldn’t have stopped what was going on, it would have stopped them from being aware of the pain that they were in. The ability to disconnect from what was truly going on for them would have allowed them to survive. Too Much To Handle Losing touch with their true feelings would have allowed them to handle an unbearable situation but what it wouldn’t have done is remove the needs that they had. It wouldn’t have mattered that it wasn’t possible for them to have these needs met as they would have still hoped that they would be met. This hope, as futile as it was, would have played a big part in what allowed them to survive this stage of their life. Another thing that would have also played a part was their need to survive. It’s Still There Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life but a big part of them will still hope that these needs will be met. This can mean that when they meet someone who they are attracted to they can feel very good and then, as time passes, they can feel full of rage and/or deflated. If they were to step back and reflect, they might not be able to pinpoint why they felt so high at the beginning and so low as time went by. Then again, they could say that this is because the other promised so much but delivered so little. Going Deeper Nonetheless, if they were able to look deeply at what was going for them at each stage, what they would probably see is that a big part of them hoped that they would finally receive what they missed out on as a child. This allowed them to feel full of life and as it become clear that this wasn’t going to happen, they soon fell down. How they felt when this took place would have been how they felt when their needs were not met all those years ago. Yet, without this understanding in place, it would have naturally felt as though the other person let them down. Drawing the Line For them to change their life, they will need to let go of the hope that their unmet childhood needs will ever be met. This is not something that they will do once and that’s it; it will be a gradual process. The reason for this is that even after they have accepted that one need won’t be met, there will be other unmet childhood needs that are outside of their conscious awareness. These needs will drive them to behave in certain ways. Two Types of Pain In addition to letting go of this hope, they will need to work through the pain that they experienced when their needs were not met all those years ago which keeps this hope in place. Working through their emotional wounds won’t be easy but will stop them from endlessly looking for what can’t be provided by another adult. This can be seen as the difference between conscious ‘legitimate’ suffering and unconscious ‘illegitimate’ suffering; the former won’t last forever, whilst the latter will. By doing this, one will be gradually phasing out their need to replay their early years and to continually be deprived, and allow themselves to finally receive what they need. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the same way that different tools serve a different function, different parts of someone's being are the same. When it comes to their physical body, this part will give them the ability to move and to get things done.
Their emotional body/self will be what brings their life to life and allows them to feel connected to others and life itself. As for their mental body/self, this will allow them to think about life, reflect and make plans. A Key Role Taking this into account, it is clear that each part of one's being plays a vital role in what will allow them to live a fulfilling life. When each part of them is functioning, they will operate as a whole human being. They won't just look whole; they will actually be a whole human being and their life will reflect this. When someone doesn't have access to each part of their being, then, their life is not going to be what it would be otherwise. Unknown However, even if someone is not operating as a whole human being, it doesn't mean that they will be aware of this. The reason for this is that this can just be what is normal and how their life has been for as long as they can remember. Even so, as they are this way, their life is not going to be anything like how it would be if this wasn't the case. Now, if their emotional self is not online, so to speak, they are likely to have a certain experience. Point of Awareness By being this way, they are likely to spend a lot of time in their head, which means that they are likely to do a lot of thinking. If they are able to be in their body, it could be because they have taken something, for instance. As a result of this, they are likely to typically feel disconnected from others and life itself. Their primary way of connecting to others is likely to revolve around ideas and information. One Description Based on how they come across and experience life, it could be said that they will be like a walking intellect. It can be as though they don't have an emotional self, due to how prominent this other part of them is. Nonetheless, although this can be how they will come across, they will still have an emotional self that is far bigger than their mental self. If the two were compared, their mental self would be like a ship on the ocean and their emotional self would be the ocean. What's going on? If this is so, how could this person come across as though they don't have an emotional self? While this may just be what is normal, there is going to be a reason why they are this way. In all likelihood, they would have been in tune with their emotional self when they were born. This would have also been a stage of other life when their mental self was in an underdeveloped state. Totally Severed If they were in tune with their emotional self when they were born, something must have taken place that destroyed this connection. Just as if the water in a stream stops flowing, it must be because something has blocked the flow. But, even if this flow has been stopped, the water is still on the other side, ready to come through. In the same way, their emotional self is still there trying to express itself but it has been blocked off. What's going on? What this is likely to illustrate is that, throughout this stage of their life, they felt overwhelmed. This would have caused them to repress how they felt until they ended up being emotionally shut down. It was then not that they chose to be this way; it was that they ended up this way as it was the only way for them to survive a deeply challenging time in their life. The big question is: why did they often feel overwhelmed? A Closer Look This may show that they were often neglected during this time and had no one there to soothe them. When there was someone there, this person may have lacked the ability to tune into their needs and provided them with the right things at the wrong time, and thereby, over-stimulated them. Without the ability the do anything about what was going on, disconnecting from themselves was the only way for them to handle the pain that they were in. Thus, what allowed them to handle one stage of their life would have become part of their character at another and will be what is now causing them to suffer. Breaking Through Beyond the defences and armouring that they have in place to keep this part of them at bay will be a lot of pain. Most, if not all, of the pain that they experienced all those years ago, will have remained locked in their body. Consequently, no matter how developed their intellect is, their emotional self will be in a very underdeveloped state. If they were to connect to this part of them, they could end up feeling like a powerless, scared and dependent child. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although human beings are emotional beings, it wouldn’t be right to say that every human being on the planet comes across as one. There are those who are in tune with how they feel and there are those who are typically out of touch with how they feel.
Consequently, there are those who appear to be walking intellects; they are more or less dead from the neck down. So, unlike others, it will seem as though they don't have an emotional body, they just have a physical body that is there to keep their head in place. The Other Extreme Also, there are those who are totally in touch with how they feel and find it hard to settle themselves down. For someone in this position, it can appear as though they are missing the intellectual part of their being and are more or less always at sea as a result. Connecting to how they feel won’t be an issue, then, what will be an issue is managing this part of their being. Their life is likely to be one big rollercoaster and it could be normal for them to be exhausted. A Different Challenge When it comes to someone who is having the opposite experience, their life is unlikely to have many ups and downs. In fact, it could be a life that is pretty dull and is anything but eventful. The person above will have access to a lot of energy, whilst they won’t have access to much energy. They could spend a lot of time feeling flat and be like a plant that hasn’t been watered for weeks. External Means If they do feel alive, it could be because they have consumed or engaged in some kind of activity. By eating, drinking or having sex, for instance, they will be able to feel alive, if only temporarily. After this experience has passed, they are likely to return to how they were before. Ultimately, they will be physically alive but they won’t feel as though they are truly alive; it can be as if they merely exist. Disconnected By being this way, they are likely to spend a lot of time feeling cut-off from others and lonely. Therefore, they won’t need to spend time by themselves to feel separate from others, as they will feel this way when they are surrounded by their fellow human beings. Still, when they are around others, it can take the edge of their sense of loneliness and isolation. They won’t be able to deeply connect to others but it will be a welcome relief to how they feel when they are by themselves. A Different Type The person whose emotions are generally out of control will be used to experiencing emotional pain, but for this person, they can be used to experiencing mental pain. They can often experience a lot of tension in their head and feel as though they are trapped in an invisible prison. They will be trapped in their mind and unable to connect to the richness, support and freedom that their emotional self would provide them. At times, they could be desperate for their life to change and even think about calling it a day. Getting A Square Peg into a Round Hole Quite simply, without being connected to their emotional self, they won’t be able to truly take life in or to give themselves to life. This is something that will clearly stand out if they were to get into a relationship. If this was to happen, they will be able to share their mind and body but they won’t be able to share anything else. Naturally, this is going to lead to difficulties as time passes as their partner is likely to want to emotionally connect to them. A Frustrating Experience For their partner, it can be as if they are trying to connect to someone who is missing the emotional part of their being. On the other side, one can wonder what is going on and believe that there is something inherently wrong with them. What is clear is that they won’t be consciously choosing to be this way; this will just be how they are. If they were to step back and reflect, and as their intellect is likely to be well-developed this is unlikely to be something that is difficult for them, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Going Deeper They could believe that they are not like most people and that they were just born this way. Nevertheless, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could be due to what they experienced very early on and the impact that this had on brain, nervous system and mental and emotional body. Their time in the mother’s womb might not have been very harmonious and their birth may have also been traumatic. Irrespective of whether this was or wasn’t the case, their early years may have been a time when they didn’t receive the love and nurturance that they needed to be able to grow and develop. A Brutal Time From the very beginning of their time on this planet, they may have been neglected and when they did receive attention, it may have been the wrong kind. Not receiving the right nutrients would have caused them to feel overwhelmed on a regular basis, and, to handle the arousal, they would have only had one choice – to disconnect from their body, losing touch with their emotional self in the process. The connection that they had to themselves would have gradually been lost, providing it wasn’t already lost at this stage, and they would have ended up living up top. In other words, what they are like as an adult is not a reflection of their true self; it is a false self that was automatically developed to handle the trauma that they experienced. Awareness There is then what they like in this shutdown, traumatised state and there is what they will be like when they are connected to their feelings and are no longer in a traumatised state. Going from the former to the latter is unlikely to take place overnight; it will take patience and persistence. If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotional Needs: Can Childhood Trauma Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Emotional Needs?4/5/2021
When it comes to the needs that someone has, there will be at least three areas; their intellectual, emotional and survival needs. In order for them to live a fulfilling life, it will be essential for them to take care of each of these areas.
This is not to say that this is something that will need to always take place; however, it will need to be something that generally takes place. Still, although this will be the ideal, there is the chance that only two of these areas will be taken care of. A Closer Look Therefore, one could be in a position where they have somewhere to live, food on the table and even live in an area that is relatively safe. Furthermore, they could have access to an almost endless stream of information, the ability to be creative and be able to teach/assist others. Even so, when it comes to their emotional needs, this could be an area of their life that is more or less always overlooked. As a result of this, a number of important needs are going to go unmet. For Example When it comes to their emotional needs, this will include the need to be seen and heard, loved, respected, accepted, valued and supported. Without having these needs met every now and then, let alone on a consistent basis, their life is likely to be very barren. Having their other needs met - their survival and intellectual needs - will be better than nothing, but it won’t be enough. To be happy, joyful and to fulfil their need to experience a deep connection, it will be vital for them to resolve this. A Hurdle Nonetheless, even though one is in this position, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of it. In other words, they might not realise that they typically ignore their emotional needs. What this could also mean is that they spend a lot of time being out of touch with these needs. By being this way, they are seldom going to be connected to the parts of themselves that would allow them to experience life differently. Shut-Down In general, then, their point of awareness could be in their head, which is why they are rarely in tune with their emotional needs. Consequently, they could often lose touch with their survival needs, such as their need to eat and sleep. But, while they will be out of touch with their emotional needs, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to completely ignore the effects of this. So, they could find often feel frustrated and depressed but not know why. A Challenging Time If there are moments when they do come into contact with their emotional needs, this could be a time when they will experience a lot of pain. It could be as if a box has been opened and in this box is a deep sense of neediness. One will then have gone from being almost totally needless to being extremely needy. The trouble is that this is likely to be a time when they will experience a fair amount of shame, guilt and feel deeply helpless, so it might not be long until this box ends up being closed once again. Pain Management As empty, lonely and miserable as their life is often going to be by living in this way, it can be seen as their only option. The pain that they come into contact with when they embrace their emotional needs is going to be too much for them to handle. Additionally, if they were able to tolerate this pain and tried to get some these needs met, they could soon end up being criticised and rejected. Most likely, this is what they unconsciously, if not consciously, expected to happen. What’s going on? It can seem strange as to why someone would experience extreme pain when they embrace their emotional needs, so uncomfortable expressing them and totally powerless when it comes to getting them met. They should feel comfortable with them and expressing them and getting them met should be normal. What this is likely to illustrate is that their emotional needs were rarely, if ever, met during their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life when they were neglected on a regular basis. A Brutal Experience Rarely having their needs met would have been incredibly painful, and, to handle this pain and to survive, they would have had to disconnect from their emotional needs. Losing touch with their needs and their body in the process would have been something that automatically took place. After a while, they would have been totally estranged from their emotional needs and this would have stopped them from having to experience the pain of not getting their needs met. The downside to this is that they would have still suffered, had no connection to their true self and they would have stayed in a developmentally stunted state. Awareness In addition to the trauma that they experienced, there would have been the beliefs/associations that were formed. One can believe that their needs are bad and that there is something inherently wrong with them. If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In order for someone to truly embrace life, they will need to be connected to their emotional self. The reason for this is that, through having this connection, they will know what they need to do and they will be able to connect to others.
Without it, then, they will struggle to know what it is that they need to do in life and they will have surface-level relationships with others. In other words, their intellect alone is not going to shed light on what it is that they need to do or allow them to deeply connect with others. The Outcome When one is out of touch with their body (emotional self) and their point of awareness is in their head (mental self), they will look towards the external world when it comes to what they should be doing with their life. Doing what others suggest may allow them to gain approval but it most likely won’t set their heart on fire. One way to look at their emotional self would be to say that it is a receptor that allows them to experience depth and a deep connection and, thereby, to truly take life in. So, with this part of them offline, they will only be able to go to a certain level with life and with others. The Point Of No Return Now, after experiencing life in this way for many, many years, one could get to the point where they have had enough. Feeling lost, empty, helpless, disconnected and alone, for instance, could be a normal part of their life and this will be unbearable. What could have given them an extra push is that their job could be soul-destroying or they might not have been able to deeply connect with someone who they wanted to connect with. Whatever it is, they won’t be able to carry on in the same way. Going Deeper At this point, it could be said that one is in a traumatised state and that’s why they are unable to be in their body and to connect with how they feel. What has taken place during their adult years could be put forward as having played a part. But, it is far more likely that what took place when they were growing up had the biggest effect. Going along with this view, this was the stage of their life when they split-off from their body. Too Much To Handle This could have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected on a regular basis. If this did take place, it would have meant that they would have often felt overwhelmed, and leaving their body would have been a way for them to handle all the arousal. They wouldn’t have been able to fight back or to run away and to put what was taking place to an end; freezing up and leaving their body was their only option. Over time, living “up top” would have been their default position. From Adaptive To Maladaptive Therefore, while living on the surface of themselves is causing them problems now that they are an adult, there would have been a time when living in their way kept them alive. What took place would have shaped their brain and nervous system. Due to this, one is not going to be able to change their life by simply changing their thoughts and behaviour. To use an analogy: as it will be their hardware that is faulty, purely focusing on their software won’t cut it. Far More to It To go one step back, what if what took place during their early years was not the cause? What if what they are like as an adult goes back even further, to when they were in their mother’s womb? If this is so, it would mean that what took place during their childhood was a continuation of previous trauma and something that further strengthened what they had already been through. Or, this could explain why one’s childhood was fine, assuming it was, but they are emotionally disconnected. Right Back Their mother’s womb would have been their first environment and this environment would have shaped their developing brain and nervous system. With this in mind, if this stage of their life was not very nourishing and harmonious, it would have negatively impacted them. There can be a variety of reasons as to why this period of their life was traumatising but, irrespective of why this was, this would have been a time of their life that was incredibly painful and perhaps their “heart broke” (with this being the reason why they may have been born with heart problems and/or experienced them later in life). To handle what was going on, there would have been a split that took place, causing them to be a divided being long before they were even born. A Replay What this womb trauma would have done is stop them from being able to feel connected to their mother and to bond with her. How they feel as an adult will be a continuation of how they felt in their mother’s womb. Here, they may have felt disconnected, alone, fearful, terrified, helpless and, at least emotionally, they may have died whilst they were there. To say that this stage of their life was brutal would be an understatement. A Slow Process By the time they entered their second environment, the world, they would have been in a deeply traumatised and disconnected state. The trouble is that through being loaded up with so much trauma and emotional pain, whenever they do get in touch with how they feel, it will be extremely painful and so, being in a detached, indifferent state will be an important defensive position. As a result of this, it is not going to be possible for them to just get back into their body and to connect to their true-self. If this is rushed and one tries to use their willpower to do it, they are likely to be retraumatized and pushed back out of their body. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. Lastly, it will be important for one to be compassionate towards themselves as they didn’t choose to be this way and they will have suffered enough already. To face and to deal with their early wounds will take immense courage and, as they have got to this point, it shows that they have incredible inner strength.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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