In one way or another, life is all about energy; it is what creates and supports life and it also leads to movement and motion. Without it, nothing would exist or survive and nothing would ever happen or change. And as human beings, we are no different. Whether it involves: getting out of bed, going to work, doing exercise or sport, achieving certain goals or dreams and any else for that matter, energy is incredibly important. To function at a high level or even a basic level requires energy and plenty of it. When one feels that they have energy, anything can seem possible and when one doesn’t have energy, just about everything can seem impossible. The Usual Approach If someone feels low on energy, the typically approach is to seek a change in diet, have more sleep or for one to exercise if they don’t already and if they do, then more exercise may be recommended. And as well as eating different things and cutting back on others, they may also be the addition of certain supplements. These can be vitamins, minerals and protein powders for instance. In extreme cases where these solutions don’t work, one may even be labelled as having some kind of physical or mental challenge. One of these is often called chronic fatigue syndrome and depression can also be another. Popular Choices For many years there have been different kinds of energy drinks. In the beginning these were often used for when someone was involved in some kind of exercise. And as time has gone by, they have become consumed not only for exercise but for any moment when one feels thirsty or wants an energy boost. There are also different snacks and treats that can be bought as a way to perk someone up. Some of these could be described a healthy and some of these could be seen as unhealthy. What stands out about energy drinks is how popular they have become in such a short space of time. For some people, these drinks will be an addiction and something they need in order to function. Reasons There is inevitably going to be numerous reasons as to why so many people feel that they don’t have enough energy. It could be due to what I have said above and it could also be the result of one not having a fulfilling life. Life may feel like a chore and not cause one to feel inspired or that it’s even worthwhile. And one thing that is often overlooked, at least in the mainstream, is emotional repression and the effects that this can have on ones energy and wellbeing. Emotions Emotions are often ignored and overlooked in today’s world. And if one doesn’t form a healthy relationship with them as a child, it may mean that one never will. As the education system generally doesn’t educate people on them either; it will often depend on whether ones educates themselves in later life They are invisible to the naked eye and can’t be caught or put into a box. And as the western world is primarily focused on all that is physical and seen by the eye; emotions are often seen as problems that need to be removed. So, by emotions being perceived in this way, the typical approach is to deny that they exist and to repress them. Out Mind Out Of Sight The mind can use a myriad of defence mechanisms in order to avoid facing emotions. And what they will generally lead to is emotional repression. Over time, the mind can forget all about these emotions. They then not longer exist and that’s the end of it, as far as the mind is concerned anyway. But while this may seem accurate and even be beneficial in the short term, these emotions have not gone. All that has happened is that the mind has lost contact with them. The Body To the mind, everything is then back to normal and there is nothing to worry about. However, this is nothing more than an illusion that the mind forms. Metaphorically speaking, the mind can feel like the storm is over and yet the body is right in the middle of the storm. These have to go somewhere and the body has plenty of places where they can be absorbed. Here, ones muscles, bones, skin and vital organs can all carry the burden. This is of course unnatural and not what they are meant to do. But if one mind doesn’t want to face their emotions, then the body won’t have much choice. The natural tendency of the body is to release and let go of emotions, but this process can be blocked by the mind. Consequences This can lead to physical discord and cause the body to be out of balance. And as it can’t undertake its natural process of releasing emotions; it is inevitable that unhealthy consequences will take place. What happens to the body can depend on how long the repression has gone on for and how much repression has taken place. For some people, this will include moments that were moderately painful, to moments that were extremely traumatic; with emotional pain that originated in ones younger’s years, to emotional pain that was experienced as an adult. Here the body can become heavy, sluggish and diseased. And when this becomes too much, the mind will no longer be able to deny or ignore these emotions. At first they may have been the equivalent of a few rains drops, but over time they have become a tidal wave. Here, one can feel trapped, overwhelmed and without energy. Awareness To release the emotions that have become trapped and frozen in the body may require the assistance of therapist or a healer. Or one may feel that they can do this in their own time or way and through self inquiry. This is always a personal choice and not one that another person can or should make. And as this takes place, one will begin to feel lighter.
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To have a relationship where one feels a healthy sense of love from another, is one of the most important elements of having a fulfilling relationship. Love can mean different things to different people, but generally this can include: affection, kindness, support, validation, touch, care and trust. And while this can be a fundamental need that people can have in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that everyone will experience this. For the person who feels lovable; this will often be a part of life and something that is normal and taken for granted. But for someone who feels that they are not lovable, this can feel like something that only other people can have and that they are unlucky or unfortunate. It may seem like nothing more than a dream and as a hope that may be fulfilled in the future. The Unforgettable Need Even though one may feel unlovable, it doesn’t mean that this need is simply going to disappear. There are a number of things that can happen as a result of this feeling. One of these is that one can have moments of repressing this need and then trying to fulfil the need; it can then become a cycle that one has. When the feeling has subsided, one can look to be loved by another and then retract or give up when this feeling arises or when another rejects them in some way. Another thing that can take place is the need to look or be perfect in order to be loved. Here, one can come to the conclusion that they will finally be lovable. This could include the attainment of wealth, material possessions, academic achievements and in needing to look physically beautiful at all times. Patterns As a result of this inner experience that one has of not being lovable, there is likely to be certain patterns in one’s life. It could be that one constantly attracts people who are either emotionally or physically unavailable or abusive for instance. One may even have a history of relationships that don’t last very long. Here, the relationship just seems to end for no apparent reason or cause. There could also be numerous experiences of being rejected and abandoned in relationships. The Story The mind is then likely to come up with all kinds of reasons or stories as to why this keeps happening. Even though these may appear to validate what is taking place and settle the mind, one is still ending up in the same situations over and over again. And this means that one is neither moving on nor attracting someone who does love them. The Other Side One may even have had experiences where someone did show love towards them. And instead of feeling drawn towards this person, they were repelled. Consciously, one could say that they didn’t feel anything for the other person or they were not their type for example. Or perhaps it related to a situation where the relationship was unable to be continued. This could relate to: a holiday romance, someone who is married or in another relationship for example. So regardless of whether one is attracted to someone who is unavailable in some way or if one attracts people who they don’t find attractive: the results are the same. A Deeper Look Although the ego mind can edit and filter out certain experiences that don’t match up with an outlook that it has identified with; the body will often have something else to say. And while one may feel unlovable and want to be loved at a conscious level, at a deeper level (in the body), there is likely to be another dynamic taking place. So, as one feels unlovable on the inside, it means that the ego mind will cause one to attract people who mirror this and to interpret life in this way. This is due to how the ego mind functions. It is constantly looking for validation in relation to what it has associated as the truth. To the mind, what is true is what is familiar and what is familiar is what is interpreted as being safe. Why Is This? So the question is - why would someone only feel safe when they are unloved and unsafe when they are loved? This brings the focus to the childhood years. One of the biggest factors is going to be how one was cared for by their primary caregiver. Childhood There is said to be two styles of caregiving, one is empathic and the other unempathic. The empathic caregiver is someone who is generally emotionally present; they are in tune with the Childs needs and wants. And this means that they will: sooth, mirror, validate and touch the child at the appropriate times. Here the child can come to learn that other people can be trusted and that its needs and wants are important. A natural consequence of this will be that it deserves to be loved and cared for. The Childs sense of self will also be formed though this process. Unempathic Care On the other hand, the unempathic caregiver is someone who is generally emotionally unavailable. They are out of tune with the Childs needs and wants. And this means that the child is unlikely to be: validated, mirrored, soothed or touched at the appropriate times. Due to this, the child can come to learn that other people can’t be trusted and that its needs and wants are not important. As a result of this, the child can come to the conclusion that it doesn’t deserve to be loved or cared for. The child may also develop weak sense of self through this. Consequences For the child that primarily receives unempathic care, it is typically going to create a lot of emotional pain. And it can also form what the child feels safe with and therefore recreates as an adult. The Childs original experience and the reference point that is then created, can lead to the conclusion that they are not worthy of being loved. As this early experience was so powerful, it can become the truth of who one is and what others are like. The outlook is: if I was not loved by my caregiver, then why would anyone else love me. And should another person show love towards them, it may trigger suspicion and fear. It just wouldn’t feel comfortable to be with someone who is loving and this is because it isn’t familiar. What is familiar to the ego mind, is someone who is distant or unavailable. This is what feels safe and it is often out of one’s conscious awareness. Awareness The associations that were formed in the past and emotional pain that became trapped in the body are causing one to re create the past. As the emotions have remained in the body, they are defining what one feels comfortable with and the kind of people that one attracts and is attracted to. Through releasing these repressed emotions, one will not only be able to attract someone who is loving, but also feel comfortable having someone who is loving. This process can be assisted through a therapist or healer, who allows one to feel their feelings and therefore release them.
It is often said that one’s emotional age is not always the same as their chronological age. And this can be known through how one feels and seen through certain behaviours and reactions that people have. One may even try to deny that they haven’t grown up and justly their behaviour in some way. Here, one could say that they don’t want to grow up or that life is all about having fun for example. On the other side of this can be people who are very much aware of how old they feel. These people don’t want to justify or rationalise how they are; they just want to grow up. There can also be people who are not aware of being emotionally stuck and simply because it is the only thing they know. It is normal and feels familiar to them. And this can lead to all kinds of pain and suffering. Three Options In the first example, it’s as if they have no awareness of their emotional age and therefore see life as having two options. Either they stay where they are or they grow up and experience life as being all about responsibility, hard work or obligations for instance. For the second person, they can see that the option above is not the only one available. And while they want to grow up, they know that life can not only include responsibilities and hard work, but also moments of adult play and fulfilment. The third person is unlikely to enjoy the experience that they are having. But based on their perception of life and themselves, it may appear as the only way life can be experienced. Areas Of Life However, regardless of what ones position is of their emotional age, this is something that can affect every area of one’s life. And some of the important ones are: self image, career, relationships, finances and mental and emotional health. It’s Normal There are a number of ways that one can come to the conclusion that they are emotionally stuck. One may come to this conclusion through: reading, being around someone who is emotionally developed or through a general awareness that one has not grown up. But, these insights are often hard to come by and this can be the result of emotional undevelopment being so pervasive in today’s world. It is often through comparison that people come to see if: how they feel or what they are doing is right or wrong or good or bad. And then there are people who will not only look to others, but who will also look within themselves to decide if they are on the right track or are doing the right thing or not. So, if one were to look to other people for feedback on whether they are emotional undeveloped for example, in most cases they are unlikely to have a functional model to compare themselves with. That is unless they happen to have a certain role model, friend or family member who is emotionally developed. Influences There are many influences here and some of the primary ones are: family, friends, teachers, the media and popular culture. It is through these sources that one’s emotional development can be set and whether or not one feels they are undeveloped or not. And based on what these sources are often like, unless one generally questions life or has the drive to grow, it will be normal for one to stay in a regressed state. As the media and popular culture generally don’t encourage emotional development. In most cases, what they promote or idealise, is the result of emotional undevelopment. It is through these role models and what the media focuses on, that one can come to the conclusion that how they feel is normal or how life is. The Main Influence However, the primary influence in whether one is emotionally developed or undeveloped is the childhood years. What happened during these years will play a massive role in ones emotionally health. Now, for some people, their emotional development can be slightly off and for others, there can be the feeling of being extremely undeveloped. This can depend on the quality of nurturing that one received and whether one experienced any kind of trauma. Empathic And Unempathic Care And whether one had a caregiver that was primary emphatic or unempathic will often be the defining factor. An empathic caregiver is one who is generally emotional available and in tune with the Childs needs. Whereas the unempathic caregiver is one who is generally emotionally unavailable and out of tune with the Childs needs. From the moment one is born, they will have certain mental and emotional needs. And these will have to be met at the right time, or else it will create problems later in life. If they are met, it will allow one to go onto the next stage of their development. But if they are not, met it can disable one from going onto the next stage of their development. There physical body may change, but their emotional body can stay the same. Life Goes On And while one can feel emotionally stuck at these times when their needs were not met, life carries on going and doesn’t stop just because one has emotionally stopped growing. This will inevitably lead to problems and to the creation of pain and suffering. Even though life has continued, at an emotional level, one can feel as though they have never left those moments of being a child. And this means that how they felt at those times, when their needs were not met, can be how they will feel as an adult. Examples Through regressing to this early time or just by merging with their emotions, one can feel: rejected, abandoned, lost, empty, powerless, needy, desperate, hopeless, helpless, worthless, vulnerable, overly sensitive and many others. And this can then influence how one views other people and themselves, the kind of people that one is attracted to and attracts and how one sees life itself. Frozen In Time The emotional pain that was experience as a child has remained in the body; it has been frozen or trapped there. And this means that in most cases, these emotional needs will not be able to be met as an adult. As they relate to childhood needs and wants, it will mean that they will just have to be released and let go. And this is something that can take place through the assistance of a therapist or a healer. By feeling the feelings, they will begin to disappear and allow one to feel emotionally like an adult.
In today’s world, depression has become a word that carries enormous weight; either for people who have it or for people who hear about it. It could also be described as a modern day taboo, with people often wanting to avoid the whole thing. However, what is clear is that depression is not something that can be ignored. It is a very real challenge in today’s world. And this is just one aspect of what are often described as ‘mental health’ problems. This is not something that can be cited as having one cause, as there are often said to be numerous causes. These can be: genetics, diet, repression, chemical imbalance, abuse, illness, the environment and other factors. And as we are all so different, it’s not a case of one cause being the same for everyone. So as this is such a complex area and not something that can be put into one box; I will cover one of the above aspects that can cause depression. Depression On the Google home page, it is described as the following - 1.Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. 2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life. So here, one feels at a low ebb and is unable to feel any positive emotions. Their energy is gone and the will to live doesn’t exist either. Emotions While depression is often treated as a taboo, emotions are not too far behind in this respect. They are generally ignored and this is partly due to a lack of understanding in how to deal with them. One is not simply born with emotionally intelligence; this is something that has to be learnt. And when it comes to how one responds and perceives their emotions, the childhood years are typically the most important time. This time will often define what kind of relationship one will have with their emotions. This relationship can be just like a relationship that one has with other human beings; it can be positive and empowering or it can be negative and distempering. So emotions can be seen as problems and as something that one needs to avoid or as feedback and as something that one needs to listen to. The Education System One of the reasons this time is so important, is that one doesn’t usually learn about their emotions during their years of being in education. Certain areas are seen as vital, but emotional intelligence is a new thing. This means that the early relationship that was formed with their emotions will generally be carried into their adult years. And it won’t matter if this relationship is healthy or unhealthy. The Relationship So coming back to this early relationship, there can be two ways that one can develop in order to cope with their emotions. And this will generally depend on how their caregivers responded to ones emotions as a child and to their own emotions. Emotional Regulation Here, a child will develop the ability to regulate their emotions; this means that they will rarely act on them or deny that they exist and repress them. They will be able to just be with them, without getting too caught up in them. And if they become too overwhelming, the child will learn that it is safe to seek assistance in others. Emotional Dysregulation In this case, the child will not develop the ability to regulate their emotions. This means that the child will have to either act on them or to deny and repress them. They won’t be able to just be with them and will end up being caught up in them. And during times of being overwhelmed, they are unlikely to feel safe asking for assistance. Empathic and Unempathic The first example will relate to a caregiver that is empathic and the second example is for a caregiver that is unempathic. An empathic caregiver is emotionally available and will generally mirror, match, hold and sooth their child during emotional distress. And an unempathic caregiver will is likely to be emotional unviable. So this means that they generally won’t mirror, match, hold or sooth their child during emotional distress. These are just general guidelines, as there is likely to be moments where it won’t be this black and white. However, this creates an idea about what it is like. Consequences As a result of the above taking place, it is likely to lead to completely different consequences. If as a child, one learned to regulate their emotions through having an empathic caregiver; it is likely to mean that one will have a tendency to either regulate their emotions or to seek support in other people. And if as a child, one didn’t learn how to regulate their emotions through having an unempathic caregiver; it is likely to mean that they will have a tendency of either repressing their emotions or of acting on them. Repression So the first child is rarely going to have to repress their emotions and this means that when this child grows into an adult, there shouldn’t be the need to repress them either. But the second child, who has to repress their emotions, will likely grow into an adult that continues to repress their emotions. And this is inevitably gong to lead to an emotional build up in the body. These emotions will have accumulated from when one was a child and all of the emotions that one has experienced as an adult, but denied and ignored. Different Types Of Repression For some people, this will involve certain moments as a child where they were abandoned, ignored, rejected, humiliated, felt hopeless, helpless, suicidal, guilty and ashamed for instance. These can relate to the odd occasion or perhaps when one experienced these things on a daily or consistent basis. This can also include traumatic moments where one was: physically, emotionally or intellectually abused as a child. And due to these moments taking place many years ago, they are generally blocked from the mind. But the body remembers these feelings and will not be silenced until they are recognised. This creates a heavy burden on the body and can result in a loss of energy. Emotionally Trapped In the beginning these may have only been emotions or feelings, but as time has gone on, they have become emotional states and have completely taken over. A bit like how one weed appears and soon after, the whole patch is covered in weeds. So the fact that there were only one or two weeds to begin with is hard to comprehend and finding the original weeds or weeds can then be extremely difficult. Here one no longer feels one or two emotions, but has become emotionally trapped. And no longer experiences one or two emotions, but a general feeling of being overwhelmed or – depressed. Two Scenarios It could be that one has felt this way their whole life or that one felt this way after a certain experience. This could be the result of some kind of loss or traumatic occurrence that triggered emotions that have been trapped and frozen in the body for so long. For the first person it may be experienced as normal and how life is, simply because they have never felt any different. And for the other person, it might not feel normal. This could be due to the fact that these feelings have been repressed for so many years and this has caused a disconnection to occur. Awareness Perhaps one has recognised the connection between how they felt as a child and how they feel as adult or just that they need to be assisted emotionally. And this can be done through the help of a healer or a therapist that will allow one to feel and therefore release their emotions This doesn’t mean that one will be forever caught up in them. If it is done right, it means that one will be able to let go of the emotions that have built up.
For some women out there, it can seem as though they have a sign on their forehead that says ‘’abusive men only’’. And this is due to their experience of only attracting men who are abusive. It may even go further than this and a woman could come to the conclusion that all men are the same. Here, not just one man or the men that she attracts will be seen as abusive, but every man on the planet. But whether a woman has formed one of the views above or another one, it is unlikely to lead to a sense of hope or to a good outlook of the opposite sex. To attract a man who is respectful, loving and kind for instance, can seem like nothing more than a dream or good idea. The Illusion However, like any women who has been attracted to an abusive man will know; how they first appear is completely different to who they later become. This is like any other kind of trap that is used to entice someone or something. It has to be appealing and gratifying or it wouldn’t work. And although this man could come across as being a certain way, there is going to many ways that this comes across. It could be that the man is: confident, self assured, funny, supportive, charming, kind or intelligent and many other ways. Together these traits can be powerful, but just one of these traits can be enough to attract a women. Emotional State When it comes to the type of abuser that a woman will be attracted to, it can depend on where she is at emotionally. Even though different women can be attracted to different traits, the consequences are generally the same, with the end result being some kind of abuse And while some women will have a certain emotional state their while life and for others this state can be the result of experiencing a loss or during a time of stress and pain. So, by a women being vulnerable, either as a result of a recent occurrence or through her natural disposition, she will be drawn in by the abuser. And as they feel at a lower place in some way, it is then only natural for them to be attracted to a male that appears to posses that which they do not have. Conscious And Unconscious In the case of the woman who is feeling vulnerable or needy as a result of a recent occurrence, this is likely to be felt at a conscious level, but for the woman who has felt needy or vulnerable for most of her life, it could be fairly unconscious and rarely known consciously. And this is where these two types of women are often different. If a women has felt vulnerable for most of her life, to be with an abusive male can feel normal. But, if a woman has only felt this way recently, then being with an abusive male may soon create discomfort. This means that this type of women could soon leave the abuser, as it’s not what feels normal. Or it could mean that they will gradually get used to it over time and therefore put up with the abuse. It’s Familiar For women who have felt vulnerable their whole life, it may feel normal to be with a man that is abusive. And when it comes to women who haven’t felt this way their whole life, it is unlikely to feel normal. This is not to say that they consciously feel this way, but at a deeper level it can feel familiar and therefore safe. And this can relate to how they were treated as a child; with these early experiences being mirrored in their interactions and relationships with men. The Disconnection As a result of these experiences happening a long time ago, it can lead to a kind of amnesia. But although the mind has forgotten about these early experiences, the body hasn’t. The kind of relationships that a woman is having with a man can then match these early experiences. And yet through a women being cut off from those times, it can all seem random and as something that is happening to them, as opposed to something they are actively playing a part in. The First Model When it comes to how a women views a man and the kind of man that she feels comfortable with, the primary influence is the father. How she was treated by her father and how her father treated her mother will have a massive impact. And regardless of whether this early behaviour was functional or dysfunctional, it will be what the ego mind formed as familiar and therefore safe. This is what can create conflict: a woman is not going to want to relive them, if the early experiences were dysfunctional or unhealthy. But as the ego mind has associated these experiences as being what is familiar and safe; it will mean that they will continue to attract men who mirror these experiences in some way. The Early Wound This doesn’t mean that women had to have a father who was extremely abusive to attract a man who is abusive; it could be that these early experiences created an early wound and this lead to a tolerance for abuse. And over time, they gradually become more accepting of abuse. Awareness In order to attract a man who is not abusive, it will be important to let go of what the ego mind has come to associate as familiar and therefore safe. This could mean that repressed emotions will also have to be released. As these emotions are released, the type of man that a woman is attracted to will change. This process can be assisted with the help of a therapist, healer, trusted friend or a coach for example
It is often said that everybody wants to be happy and yet this doesn’t mean that one will be comfortable when they are happy. For some people, being happy is a wonderful experience and for others, it is something that leads to incredible guilt. And the very thing that one wants is then casing them to feel down and even miserable. Logically this is unlikely to make any sense and why would it. Self Sabotage This could cause someone to sabotage their happiness and as soon as it comes, it goes. It then leaves as quickly as it arrives. Or one may just end up feeling miserable when they should be happy and therefore waste the whole experience. But it may mean that one doesn’t allow anything in their life to get this far. As the guilt is so strong, one is constantly on the lookout to minimize or end anything that would create happiness for them. This can go on at a conscious level and at an unconscious level, but the consequences will be the same. And just about everything will be done to sabotage any form of happiness. Two Stressors There will be two ways that this can impact one’s life. One is through the internal conflict mentioned above and the other is through external experiences. And although they can be seen as separate, they can both influence each other. Through feeling guilty within for being happy, one can end up projecting this outlook onto other people and interpreting their behaviour in a certain way. Here one will assume that other people may reject them or disapprove of them for being this way. And while this could be the case, the world is also made up of all types, but through the perspective that one has, one may see everyone as being this way. Acceptance What this all comes down to is being accepted. Their perspective is likely to be that one will only be accepted by others when they are unhappy. Now, this is rarely going to be something that one is consciously aware of. It is more likely to be taking place at a deeper level. No matter who one is or what one does, complete acceptance from everyone is not possible. And yet, for the person that can’t be happy, acceptance is being interpreted as life or death. Through the eyes of an adult, this outlook can seem absurd. But if a child had this outlook, it would make perfect sense. Regression And just because one may look like an adult, it doesn’t mean that one is emotionally an adult; there can be times when one can feel like a child. Here one can revert to a time in their life where being accepted was a matter of life or death. This is likely to be ones childhood years and how one was responded to by their caregivers during times of happiness and joy will have had a big impact. Childhood During this time, ones ego mind will have formed associations around happiness. If one received approval, acceptance or validation for being happy, then being happy would be classed as familiar and therefore. But if one was invalidated, rejected or unapproved of for being happy, then being unhappy would have been associated as being familiar and therefore safe. So, if the second occurrence took place, one would have come to learn that it was not safe to be happy. It was only safe it they were unhappy. This could have been something that happened on a regular basis or it could have also been a one of event that was traumatic. Examples Although there can be numerous ways in which this is played out and experienced by someone as a child, there can be certain patterns. Perhaps one had a caregiver that was experiencing some kind of emotional pain and therefore couldn’t stand to see another person happy. To see another person happy, only reminded them of their own unhappiness. It could be that one had a jealous or envious caregiver and so they felt that their position was being compromised if any one were to shine or take the limelight. And due to them not dealing with their own issues, they were acted upon in a destructive manner. There may have been a general unhappiness that permeated ones whole family. So it was not based on a certain occurrence or a one of event, but a way of life. And one had no other choice or even the understanding that life could be any other way. Awareness Ones childhood may have taken place a long time ago and yet these early experiences can dictate so much of one’s adult life. As a child, one may have only felt safe if they were unhappy and as an adult, this no longer has to be the case. But although one has moved on from those times, the ego mind can still perceive life in the same way. This will mean that certain associations and the emotions that are attached to them will have to be released. The help of a therapist, coach, healer or a trusted friend can assist in this process.
While some people can stay in abusive relationships and have a hard time leaving, other people can leave an abusive relationship, only to return shortly after. And this is often hard to comprehend. Why would anyone return to something that is clearly dysfunctional and even dangerous? The person has experienced the relationship before and left, so do they really believe that it is going to be any different? These are just two questions that might be asked by observers of this kind of behaviour. And even though the person who returns to an abusive relationship can be asked these questions and one can mull over these questions inside their head, it doesn’t mean that they will be adequately answered. Although one may go back to an abusive relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they know why either. To them, it could be something that just feels right. Logic To look at this logically, it is not going to make any sense. One is unlikely to consciously think that they need to be with this is other person or that this other person is right for them. And this is due to the power of one’s emotions and how they can take over. When this happens, one can lose their ability to think rationally or to function as they normally would. And with the minds capabilities no longer available, ones emotions can take over. Withdrawal Even though the relationship was dysfunctional and unhealthy it doesn’t mean that one can simply let go and move on. Just like how a drug addict can feel a sense of withdrawal when they don’t get the drugs that they need; so can the person who has left an abusive relationship. This person is still going to crave being around them. This can lead to obsessive thoughts and a feeling of emptiness. Their very survival can seem to depend on being with the other person. Familiarity Through being with this person, their ego mind has associated them as being familiar and familiar means safe to the mind. And so the ego will have become attached to them. The mind doesn’t create this associations based on what is functional or healthy, it creates them based on what is familiar. As this means that one can become attached to anyone. The only requirement is that they are around them enough or they are around them during a moment of heightened stress or trauma. The Next Step So if one has left an abusive relationship and feels an intense pull to be around the person again, it can only go two ways. Either one goes with the bodies pull and goes back or they resist this pull. The easiest option is probably going to involve going back to the abuser. The other option is not going to be easy, but it could be easier if one sought some kind of assistance; either through a friend or a therapist for example. Or one may end up going straight into another relationship and while their face is different, they may end up being just as abusive. Regulation What it comes down to is that fact that ones emotions and feelings are going to need to be dealt with in some way. Now, these can either be faced directly through a therapist or they can be repressed and pushed down by returning to the same person or someone similar. To go back to the abuser is not healthy, but what it will do is settle one down emotionally. Perhaps in the long term it will lead to even more emotional unrest, cycles of abuse and drama and yet in the short term, it will lead to some kind of inner balance. Out Of Control The situation could lead to one feeling as though they have no control and that they are enslaved to their emotions. In their mind, they may be angry, frustrated and fed up, but their body is leaving them very little choice. Their body is calling out for what is familiar and therefore safe; as it feels comfortable. And to be without what feels comfortable is creating fear and uncertainty. And yet part of them knows that although it feels this way, it’s not what they truly want. The Past What exists in the body can not only have been due to what was created by being with the abusive partner, it can also have been formed during ones childhood. And this can be one of the reason why the pull to go back with them is so strong. All of the emotional pain that one experienced during their childhood years, can be retriggered by their experiences with the present day partner. It is then projected onto them and the real cause may not be known. This could relate to feelings of: rejection, abandonment, loss, emptiness, hopelessness, aloneness and even suicidal feelings. And by leaving the abusive partner, these feelings may come to the surface. Awareness Although someone who returns to an abusive partner can be looked down on and even seen as having no self control, this is rarely a laughing matter. It doesn’t matter how much will power or mental power one may have, if they have all this stuff going on in their body. To let go of the need to be in a relationship with someone who is abusive, one may need some kind of external assistance. This can come through a therapist, healer, support group or a trusted friend for example.
There is often talk around the power of one’s thoughts and how these need to be changed in order for one to live a better life. And what this means, is that emotions are often overlooked. This could be due to a number of reasons and one of these reasons is because of the emotional repression that takes place. With emotional awareness often being the exception and not the rule in the modern day world. What is normal is to live in the mind and to repress or run away from any emotions that arise. This is often described as acting in or acting out. However, while one may try to repress or run away from certain emotions, they are usually still in control and are having a massive impact on one’s life. And although one can use their mind to think differently, a lot of these thoughts are nothing but reactions to how one feels. Either one can rationalise what they are feeling or they can think in a way that denies what is truly going on at an emotional level. This can create: resistance, struggle and strain; with there being a battle between the mind and the body. A Metaphor So with the mind out of the way and emotions being the focus, it is clear that emotions have a lot more power than the minds thoughts do. To use a metaphor: the emotions are the engine of a car and the thoughts are the chassis of the car. And no matter what chassis one uses for the engine, if the engine is not good; it won’t matter. It may look like a Ferrari, but if it has an engine that doesn’t work, the Ferrari is not going to get very far. The Power Of Thinking Now, it could also be said that one can change their emotions through thinking differently. And while this is also true, it can depend on how strong the emotions are. If one has a lot of repressed emotions in their body or has emotions that have become frozen in their body, thinking differently may not be enough. What it may do is just lead to one being in denial and living on the surface of themselves; never really embracing their true nature or their true depth of being. So to become a whole human being and realise ones personal power; one may need to leave the positive thinking and deal with their emotions. Different Experiences For some people, it may be that they have felt a certain way their whole life or perhaps something happened in their life and triggered a certain emotional state. This could be due to some kind of loss or set back. Here one can be consumed by one or even a combination of feelings. If one has felt this way there whole life, it might not even by noticed, it can then become normal and how life is. But for someone who feels this way due to a loss of some kind as an adult, it is more likely to be noticed and therefore stand out. But this is purely secondary, as it ultimately doesn’t matter how it came about or how long it has been there for. Being at peace within or neither feeling up or down, can then become impossible and elude ones grasp. Examples There are many emotional states that one can have, and some of these are: · A perpetual feeling of being powerless · A perpetual feeling of emptiness · A perpetual feeling of loss · A perpetual feeling of rejection · A perpetual feeling of abandonment · A perpetual feeling of worthlessness · A perpetual feeling of hopelessness · A perpetual feeling of aloneness · A perpetual feeling of not being good enough · A perpetual feeling of shame These feelings may drop or lessen from time to time, but they can be so strong that they are never too far away. Reality And although these just are feelings that exist in the body, they can completely take over. How one thinks, sees themsevles, sees others and behaves can then be defined by them. The mind can then be kept busy trying to either cover up these feelings or by acting on them. If one were to regulate these emotions and feelings, by not reacting to them or trying to deny that they exist, it might help. But as these feelings are often so powerful, it is not always possible to regulate them. Feeling or emotions that are not too powerful can be regulated and yet if one is experiencing extreme emotions or feelings, outside assistance may be needed. Awareness Often, feelings and emotions that have become overwhelming are the result of emotional repression. And through repression and avoidance, they can build up. So at first it may have just resulted in the emergence of slight pain, but now they have taken over. This could be due to moments in one’s life where they didn’t grieve and allow themselves to feel their feelings. At one point these could have been something that one felt, but through their accumulation they have become who one is. And so, these need to be released with the help of a good therapist or a healer. If the body is calm, the mind is also likely to be calm. And through having this inner peace, the need to constantly think positive is unlikely to be there as much.
It is often said that in the very beginning of a relationship, one doesn’t see the other person for who they are, what they see is their own projections. So here, one will create all kinds of associations in their mind and attach these to the other person. The other person may even posses one of these associations or a couple of them. And this can then lead to many other associations being formed and projected onto them. This is often described as the halo effect; where one notices one positive trait in another and then concludes that just because they have this one trait, they must have many other positive traits. The Illusion So what this can lead to is the creation of one big illusion. In some instances this will involve seeing someone as possessing the odd trait that they don’t have and in other more extreme situations, this will involve seeing someone as being the complete opposite to who they really are. And through the creation of this illusion, one can end up doing all kinds of things that they wouldn’t usually do. The associations in one’s mind that have lead to the creation of these illusions, will then create a filter The Filter Here, one will interpret everything the other person does based on this filter. And if what the other person does or says doesn’t match up, it is then likely to be ignored or dismissed. What the other person does, it then irrelevant or secondary to the ideas that exist inside one’s mind. They say that being in love is the equivalent to being high on drugs. So ones rational nature can then be rendered useless. Consequences Now, what will happen as a result of this will depend on how accurate or inaccurate these associations are. In one’s mind, their true and will therefore be projected onto the other person, regardless of how true they are. If these associations are moderately inaccurate it could result in one compromising their values and if they are extremely inaccurate, it could lead to one being abused or taken advantage of. Outside Assistance Due to one being affected by the associations and being in a kind of hypnosis or altered state, it is often ones friends or family who are the first to notice that they do not match up with reality. At first, one may disagree with them or deny what they are saying. But as time goes by, one will start to see or notice things that make them question the ideas in their head. This could be weeks, months or even years. Holding on However, while these ideas are inaccurate or may even be causing one to put up with behaviour that they wouldn’t out up with from their friends for example; the mind will have a tendency to hold on to them. And what these projections are often doing is allowing one to avoid pain. So if one were to admit to themselves that they are false and have little to do with the other person, it may open up all kinds of deep and repressed wounds. The Missing Pieces What one projects onto another person is often what they believe they haven’t got within them. This often goes right back to ones childhood years and the kind of nurturing that one received as a child. And although this would have happened many years ago and times have changed, emotionally one can still see themsevles and others in the same way. As a child, one may have had a caregiver that was less than nurturing and lead to one having numerous experiences where they felt: abandoned, rejected, empty, ignored, unworthy, unloved, and alone and many others. The opposites of these feelings will then be attached to the other person. So this person will then be seen as being the opposite of one’s caregiver and this will enable one to feel: accepted, loved, worthy, validated, whole, heard and connected. The Challenge And although that part of oneself, often described as the inner child, wants to experience what it didn’t receive as a child through another adult, this adult can never be their parent and their not perfect either. So these illusions will have to fall at some point. This will be influenced by what ones childhood was like and if one has healed any of their past pain. The more that one feels they are missing on the inside, the more likely they are to project what they feel they are missing onto others. Projection Projection is something that takes place all the time and is not dysfunctional per se. It is more a matter of degree and how much one projects onto others that will define whether it becomes dysfunctional or not. Part of what attracts one to another person is projection and part of what repels one from another can also be projection. The projection that attracts is often based on what one has not realised within themselves. And the one that repels is often what one hasn’t healed within themselves. But over time, after the positive projections have died down, one will begin to notice the other side of the person. And if one has built another person up in their mind, this might to not always be too pleasant. Awareness If ones projections are constantly causing one to attract or to be attracted to people who are abusive or dysfunctional, it might be beneficial to seek some kind of assistance. This can be through a therapist, healer or a coach for example. Or through self inquiry and this will enable one to improve their self awareness.
There are all kinds of ideas in the world as to how a relationship should be. These ideas are often shaped by popular culture, from influences such as Disney or Hollywood films. And by taking on board these perspectives, some people can come to expect relationships to be easy and straight forward. And once this outlook has taken root in one’s mind, it will often define ones relational behaviour. Through this, one is likely to have a low tolerance for relationships that are not effortless and require work or commitment. So this can often lead to the following scenarios: one will end a relationship as soon as any kind of conflict or tension arises, or they will end it once the honey moon period is over. This period can range from person to person. Reasons And based on what one can learn through watching films and taking on board other influences; this approach can seem to be the right one. As soon as pain is felt, it is then time to find someone else. This could go on and on and lead to one going from one relationship to another. Happiness is then just another relationship away and each person is seen as being the one to make this happen. One may end up going in cycles of feeling optimistic about someone and then encounter conflict and then leave them for another person. Repeating the same process and then end up feeling frustrated and hopeless and then go through it all again. The Other Outlook As a result of what I have said above, it might then seem that one should put up with a relationship that doesn’t work and even tolerate abuse for instance. But this is just going from one extreme to the other. What it comes down to, is that just because there is tension and conflict in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that it is a sign that one needs to end it. In the cases of physical or emotional abuse, it is likely to be a sign that one needs to end it. The Rare Few There will be some people out there who have relationships that run smoothly and when conflict or challenges arise, they are generally able to deal with it in a healthy and functional way. But these people are the exception and not the rule in today’s world. And one of the biggest reasons is due to childhood development and how one was responded to by their caregivers and how their caregivers treated each other. Modelled Behaviour This behaviour is then absorbed and often becomes how one will treat another and expects to be treated by another in a relationship. And if these early relationships were dysfunctional and unhealthy, it is highly unlikely that one will have a relationship that is healthy and functional as an adult by doing the same things. But at a deeper level these ways of behaving will be what are familiar and are classed as safe to the ego mind. So although they may not work and lead to endless frustration, pain or conflict; they will persist until ones awareness increases. Forgotten Pain The early models that one has learnt will lead to one challenge and the other challenge will come about through the pain that was created in ones early years. For some people, this may include extreme to moderate abuse, but all childhoods will have consisted of moments of pain. And that there was pain is not the problem, what leads to problems is when this early pain is not dealt with and stays unprocessed. As an adult, one may only be semi conscious of this pain, but it will often define the type of person that one is attracted to and this pain will be triggered by the other person. The Challenge This means that one may need to change how they behave in order for a relationship to work and that a relationship can have the potential to trigger a lot of repressed pain. And as the mind will do all it can to avoid pain, the natural tendency can be to end the relationship. It may seem as though the other person is causing the pain and so finding someone else who doesn’t cause one to feel pain can seem to be the logical thing to do. And this can also depend on how much of a connection one can have to the other person. If there is some kind of connection, one may want to stay in the relationship, but this can also be influenced by how conscious one is. One may end up being controlled by their emotions and therefore leave the relationship. The Path To Wholeness Relationships are often described as vehicles that have the potential to lead one back into wholeness. At a deeper level this wholeness already exists; what gets in the way, is what one has picked up along the way. Pain will come up in varying degrees and the desire to escape in some way may appear, but it is in facing this pain that the true self is realised. And as one goes deeper into who they are, one will have more to give and be able to truly connect to another. If one is not willing to open up, one can’t expect another person to. Awareness There are many options when it comes to being assisted in this area. For some people, the assistance of a therapist, healer or coach may be required. And for others, it may involve finding the right information on how to change their habitual ways of behaving.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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