The desire to feel attractive is normal and something that the majority of people want to experience. Here, one can then feel a sense of healthy control when it comes to attracting the kind of man or woman that they desire. And this is also likely to lead to one feeling accepted and approved of by certain people. So this means that one’s wellbeing can be assisted through this taking place. Of course this can be taken to the extreme, and one can allow their whole life to be defined by their need to look attractive in the eyes of others. This is inevitably going to lead to dysfunctional consequences and to unnecessary pain and suffering. Two Positions But while feeling attractive is important, it doesn’t mean that someone can relate to this. They may feel that they are unattractive and that no one would see them in that way. And then there will be others who do feel attractive. So the first person will be going into the relationship hoping to feel attractive by being with the other person. And while the second person may also have this intention, it won’t be as strong as is it for the first person. The Relationship Now this doesn’t have to be a relationship that lasts for years in order for someone to end up questioning how attractive they truly are; it could only last for a matter of weeks or even months. It is not so much about how long the relationship lasts that matters, the biggest factor is how one interprets what happens. Evan though one may have felt attractive going in to the relationship, once it ended, this idea about oneself can soon change. And for someone who felt unattractive before the relationship started, it may lead to them coming to the conclusion that how they feel is accurate and therefore true. The Experience So one is in a relationship and they are gaining the validation and feedback that they want from the other person. This then leads to one’s mind interpreting these responses to mean that one is attractive. One is ultimately being mirrored and any inner conflict that one has in regards to not being attractive, is being covered up. As each moment passes with this person, ones sense of attractiveness will increase. And by having this experience externally, one will start to internalise what is being mirrored by the other. If this process lasts long enough, one may even forget that they ever felt unattractive. And how receptive and open one is will often define how long this can take. For some people it may be as little as a few days and for others it may take a number of weeks or months before they internalise the other person’s feedback. Covered Up The challenge is that although one has come to see themselves differently through being with this person, in some cases, how they felt in the beginning has just been covered up. It has not left; it is now just below ones conscious awareness So all the time that one is in a relationship with this person and receiving the same kind of mirroring, one won’t have to experience what has been covered up. But if the relationship where to end, it could lead to the creation of all kinds of pain. Identification What this comes down to is the fact that one’s level or attractiveness has become attached to the other person. So on one side this means that one can become elevated through how the other person responds to them. But the down side to this is that the other person can also have the power to make one feel unattractive again. The ego mind had become attached to this external source and is using it to regulate what is going on within. When one feels less than or inferior in some way, the ego identifies with something externally that appears strong. Here, it becomes possible to experience a sense of power or strength for example. However, as this its taking place externally and not internally, it is not going to last. And once this external object changes that one has identified with, one is likely to return to their former state of being. Unattractive So if one felt unattractive before they were in the relationship, then this is the state they are likely to fall back to. And while one may not have felt unattractive in the beginning, through attaching their level of attractiveness to this person, they may also end up feeling unattractive. And in both cases, there could be certain amount of repressed emotions that are triggered through the relationship ending. This is another reason the person that one was with, can seem to have so much over whether one feels attractive or not. The person that one was with cannot make one feel unattractive, in many ways; all they have done is trigger the inner conflict that already exists. Internal Conflict These are inner experiences such as feeling: unaccepted, rejected, abandoned, alone, unworthy and unlovable for instance. If one is unaware of where these feelings have come from; it is then natural for one to believe that another person has the power to make them feel good or bad. The mind looks out side and therefore projects what is being felt onto others. On one hand this means that this can lessen the pain that one is feeling, but it can also cause one to give their power away if this process goes on unknowingly. Awareness For some people there level of attractiveness will soon settle after a relationship and for others, it may not be as simple as that. And this could be due to the painful emotions that have been triggered through this person. This may have been repressed for many years and could even come from when one was a child. Time may be the best healer here, if this is not too much of a challenge. But for people who are feeling overwhelmed, some kind of assistance may be needed; through some kind of coach, healer or therapist or through self inquiry for example.
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No matter how old or young someone is, where they have come from on this planet or if they are male or female, one thing is clear, and that is that they will have emotions. For this is part of the human experience, without them life wouldn’t be the same.
However, one of the challenges with emotions is that they are not always pleasant. And while it is possible to feel emotionally whole and centred, it is also possible to feel emotionally empty and decentred. They are also not physical things that one can touch or remove through force. So the masculine approach of using physical force is unlikely to work. And as the modern day world is very masculine and left brain in how it functions, emotions have become a problem in most cases. The more feminine way of being, such as letting go and allowing, are often seen as strange descriptions in today’s world. Action, force and making things happen are descriptions that are generally more familiar to people. The Ego So as the egos way of functioning is the norm, what could be classed as the hearts way, has been rejected in the majority of cases. The ego does, the heart just is, and so they each have their own benefits; with one being masculine and the other feminine. It is easy to relate to the ego and yet it is often not as easy to relate to the hearts way of being. And this is one of the main challenges when it comes to experiencing emotional health. The Tendency When unpleasant emotions appear, the tendency is to try and remove them or to deny that they exist. Whereas what they really need is to be dealt with in a more feminine way; which involves acknowledgement and acceptance. If they are too intense, the mind will get involved and sabotage this process from taking place. And as a result of this, the emotions are not dealt with in a healthy way. One of many things can occur as a result of this, but no matter what option is selected; one is ultimately avoiding their emotions The Options There are numerous options here and these can include ways that are well known and easily seen, to others that are often over looked and more subtle. It is not going to be much of a surprise to hear that: alcohol, drugs, food, exercise or sex can be used. These are common choices and ones that are routinely given exposure in the media for instance. However, it is just as easy to avoid them through ways that are less obvious. Here, one can: compare themselves with others; laugh off how they feel; rationalize their feelings away; tell themselves that they need to grow up and even say that they are stronger than their emotions. The Relationship Emotions are then perceived as annoying or unpleasant things that need to be denied at all costs. They are then not part of who one is, but separate and disconnected occurrences. And if one lives primarily in their head, then this is not much of a surprise. The body is then something that is separate from the mind. What is clear is that if one is avoiding their emotions and therefore avoiding their body, then a harmonious relationship doesn’t exist. And how one relates to their emotions is often a result of how their emotions were responded to during their childhood years. How ones caregivers dealt with their own emotions and how they responded to ones emotions as a child, will often define how one perceives emotions. And then there could have been certain moments where one experienced trauma as a child and as an adult. If one didn’t feel safe or comfortable in expressing their emotions during these moments, then this trauma may not have been processed and could have remained in the body. Years Of Avoidance So not only is avoidance something that is taking place as an adult, it may have taken place for ones whole life. And this is one reason why emotions can become so overwhelming and intense. They have built up for so many years, that they have become too much to handle. So the mind can no longer keep them hidden and like volcano that keeps erupting; they will come out in one way or another. Consequences And there are a myriad of ways in which emotions can appear after years or months of avoidance or regression. Some of these ways will be more unpleasant than others and will be recognised by society; while others will not be recognised by the mainstream society. Addictions, obsessions and emotional problems, such as depression and heightened anxiety, are commonly cited as being the result of not dealing with ones emotions. This can also lead to one being attracted to and attracting unhealthy relationships. Ones sense of self and their personal power can also be diminished. A loss of energy can be another consequence. Behaving in ways that that one has no control over, often described as reactive behaviour, is another sign. Intimacy can also be something that is hard to experience; with one forming walls as a way to protect themselves from the emotional pain that may be triggered if they too close to anyone. These are just a few examples of how influential emotions are and there are many more. Physical dis-ease can also appear through emotional repression. Awareness If one has emotions that have built up, then assistance may be required; as one could be overwhelmed by them if they try to do it themselves. And so a therapist or healer that allows one to face their emotions and release them will be essential.
Although a woman can want to experience a relationship with a man that is healthy and functional, there are numerous things that can get in the way if this actually taking place. And one of these things is when a man is controlling. To a one degree or another, both men and women are controlling. But this is not bad or dysfunctional per se. What can lead to problems is when a healthy sense of control gets out of hand and goes to the extreme. When this happens, it is inevitably going to lead to problems. First Impressions How a man first appears can often be the complete opposite of who they will later become. At first they may come across as: assertive, caring, confident, strong and generous for instance. And these kinds of traits are going to be appealing and enough to attract a woman. But while this may be how they appear at first, over time their behaviour can change and take on a different form. As to how long this transition will take can depend on numerous factors. Some women will notice it is within a very short time. And for others, this may have to occur for a long time before they are aware of what is taking place. A woman may only notice what is going on after a friend or family member points out what is going on; as they could be unaware of it themselves. Patterns And upon close inspection, what may become clear is how there is certain patterns involved. This can relate to the kind of men that they are attracted to and when they start to feel that they are being controlled. It may also be seen in certain areas of their life and in where a man is controlling and where he isn’t controlling. There may even be some men who want complete control and don’t allow any kind of freedom of expression to occur. This will be in extreme cases and some men will be more subtle in their control. The Story So while these patterns can enable one to get a better understanding of what is taking place and that what is taking place is not simply random, they can also be interpreted in another way. What this means is that the mind can use them as a sign that one is a victim and that one has no control over what is happening. The mind observes reality and then forms ideas about what it sees. These ideas are not necessarily the truth, but they can sound accurate and logical. For if a women is constantly attracting men who are controlling, it would be normal to believe that they are unlucky and powerless to do anything about it. Under The Surface And if this is the only understanding that a woman has, it is unlikely that they will attract a man that is not controlling. Because while the minds ideas about what is taking place can sound appropriate and validate what is taking place; there is something else going on. This is typically going on at an unconscious level and out of one’s awareness. Here, it will relate to what feels safe and what feels safe is what is familiar. So the reason one is with a controlling men or they keep showing up is because it feels right at a deeper level. This realisation will be known through connecting with one’s body. The mind will not have this understanding; as the mind sees everything as separate and disconnected. Causes To look at this challenge through the eyes of an adult is unlikely to make much sense. This is due it being something that often has its roots in a woman’s childhood years. And the kind of relationship that they had with their father will often define what their relationships will be like with men. So for a woman that is attracted to controlling men, it could be that in most cases, the attention that they received from their father was based on some kind of control or compromise. Perhaps their father was: smothering or overwhelming and had boundary problems. This then became associated as what is familiar and therefore safe to the mind. And as this was the only kind of behaviour that they saw as a child, it also became known as what love is. At such a young age, it is not possible to question what is taking place. It is simply internalised and perceived as what is normal and how things are. Love These early experiences will have shaped a women’s idea of what love is and what is not love. But of course, these meanings are typically going on at an unconscious level and won’t be consciously known. Through so many years having passed, one can lose all awareness of what took place during those formative years. So as control is what feels familiar and safe, if a man wasn’t controlling, it could feel like rejection or that one is being abandoned and left alone. Love means control and if control is not taking place then it might not feel right. Attraction It is these associations that are causing a woman to attract and to be attracted to men that are controlling. There is nothing random about the whole thing; it is often just the result of what a woman became comfortable with as a child. Awareness Even though this may have been how love was experienced as a child for a woman, it would have included a certain amount of emotional pain. This could have included feeling: rejected, abandoned, betrayed and violated. These feelings would have had to have been repressed; because if they were revealed it may have lead to further control or even isolation. But these feelings haven’t disappeared; they will have remained in the body. Once these feelings are released and one no longer feels comfortable with this kind of love, a woman will no longer be attracted to or attract men who are controlling. This process can be undertaken through the assistance of a therapist, healer, coach or a trusted friend. Or through some kind of self study and in letting go of these old ways of being. The kind of help that one needs will all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
When it comes to understanding what is taking place in the area where one lives and the world at large, it is clear that some kind of assistance is required. This is something that usually takes place through the media. Here, one is informed about national and international events and occurrences. So no matter where one is or what one is doing, they can be kept up to date on what is going on. The coverage can range from what could be classed as somewhat important to extremely important. This means that one will typically become exposed to all kinds of news stories and won’t be limited to just one area or topic. And this can only be a good thing; especially as there is so much taking place in the world. From the most horrific situations that can make people question humanity, to situations that show how magnificent they can be. It is then natural that one’s attention is going to be drawn towards what is taking place. Perhaps this is also due to one being personally affected by what is taking place or maybe they feel drawn to what is being covered and what to help in some way. There are clearly numerous reasons as to why one can feel drawn in by what the media is covering. In Recent Years However, what is classed as news has gradually changed in recent years. No longer is this something that is limited to violence, natural disasters, sports or the economy for instance, it has gone onto include others things. And a big part of this news is what ‘celebrities’ are or are not doing. These are people that are famous for achieving something and also famous for achieving very little. Their personal lives and the highs and lows that they experience are given constant exposure. So even though the other kinds of events that have been covered for years are still very much a part of the mainstream Medias coverage, this has been supplemented by what could be called trivial occurrences. And in some cases, these types of stories have completely taken over. Mainly as a result of them being extremely popular amongst people and as interest is gained, money is made. This means that it is unlikely to stop any time soon. Two Types of News The first type of news, depending what the source is, can keep one up to date on what is taking place in the world. And while ones attention is taken for a certain period of time each day, if is being used in a way that can be educational and mind expanding. Once it is over, one can go about their normal day to day business. The news is an addition to the life they have, but in most cases it doesn’t totally consume their life. When it comes to the other type of news however, in most cases one is not being educated and neither is their mind expanding. It is also not necessarily something that one engages in now and then; it can become an obsession and even an escape. So it is not an addition to one’s life, it can becomes one’s life. How one sees themselves and their identity can then be caught up in this type of news. This is not to say that the mainstream news is always beneficial either. One Perspective It could be said that when the media gives attention to what celebrities are or are not doing for instance, that they are simply distracting people from what really matters in the world and in their personal lives. And even though it is popular and leads to money being made, they have a moral standing to uphold; as a result of being in the position they are in and the influence they have over so many people. They have a massive responsibility and one that shouldn’t be abused by filling people minds with insignificant events. The above is one point of view, but there is also another way of looking at this. As I said above, it is popular and makes money so they are ultimately giving some people what they want. And that these people are happy to be distracted or should I say want to be distracted. So the media is then not providing anything that is not already being asked for. For if one is already in an escape the media has to do very little. This person doesn’t need to be enticed; they will do it of their own accord. Escapism The media is providing a way for people to avoid their own lives. And while on the odd occasion this is unlikely to lead to dysfunctional consequences, in the long run it can. But in the modern day world, the need to avoid oneself and get lost in others peoples dramas and the world’s dramas has generally become the norm. And the media is just one example of an escape. One can also engage in: alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, eating, gambling and many others. While there are many distractions provided, what is rarely looked at is what is going on at a deeper level. Emotional Pain So these escapes enable one to regulate the emotional pain that they are experiencing. And as emotions are often rejected and not dealt with in today’s world; it is not much of a surprise that they have built up. In the short term these distractions will allow one to avoid their inner pain. However, in the long run it can only lead to one being estranged from themselves and having no self control. But, if one is experiencing emotional pain and hasn’t found a functional way to deal with it; this may be a price worth paying. Conclusion As one has no inner control, it is then natural that one will end up being controlled by external sources. And that the external influences will only get stronger if one is giving their power away. In an ideal world, emotional intelligence would be seen as important as learning to read or write. If this was the case, so much of what defines today’s world would no longer exist and that is simply because people wouldn’t be running away from themselves. Inner peace would be a real experience, as opposed to what is often nothing more than a good idea. Awareness So while the media will always be there in some shape or form and emotional intelligence is not suddenly going to be seen as essential, what one can do is become emotionally aware themselves. This process can be supported with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach for example. And some kind of self inquiry can also be a way of gaining a better understanding of one’s emotions. The kind of assistance one will need can depend on how much of a challenge they are.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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