One thing that social media has done is made it easy for someone to focus on themselves. So regardless of if it relates to how their pictures look, how people respond to what they share or how many friends they have, it is all going to be about them.
In the past someone would have only have had to worry about how they looked when they were around others, but now they can worry about how they look online. Not being around others is then not going to be necessary in order for them to worry about how they look. One Focus Through spending so much time thinking about themselves and how they come across, they are likely to have less time available to be there for others. It could be as if they are only on this planet to take care of their own needs. When they are there for others, it might be hard for them to put their own needs to one side and to fully show up. This could be something that will stand out to some people, with one appearing to be somewhere else a lot of the time. A Different Scenario However, even if one is not consumed by how they look online and how people respond to them, for instance, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to serve others. Instead, their point of focus could be their own problems. Regardless of what their problems are, their problems will be seen as being more important than anything else. As a result of this, they could spend a lot of time telling other people about their problems. Endless Drama Even so, this doesn’t mean that they will want to do anything about what they are going through. Living in this way may have become part of their identity, meaning that they wouldn’t know who they were if their life was different. Therefore, if they do solve one thing it will only be a matter of time before there is something else that will consume their attention. Their life may have been this way for many, many years. Absent If someone like does have a job, it might not be possible for them to fully show up. The reason for this is that their mind will be consumed by what is taking place in their own life. This could mean that they often make mistakes or the service that they provide might not always be as good as it could be. But then if one is rarely present, due to how caught up they are with their own life, this is to be expected. A Painful Existence If someone can relate to the first example, it can be normal for them to experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. Ultimately, their need to look a certain way and for others to give them positive feedback will weigh them down. On the other hand, if someone can relate to the second example, it can be normal for them to feel helpless and overwhelmed. It will be like there is a conveyor belt that brings them one problem after another, and this is going to be a lot for them to handle. Watering the Weeds One way to look at each of these examples would be to say that the reason why their life is this way is because they are using their energy in the wrong way. Regardless of whether they are focused on how they look or on their own problems, most of their energy is going to be directed towards themselves. Therefore, by sending so much of their energy to their own problems, their problems are only going to get worse. This comes down to the fact that what one focuses on is what is likely to grow. Balance Taking this into account, what one can do to change their life is to spend less time focusing on themselves. This can have a positive effect on their mental and emotional health and it can make it easier for them to solve their problems. Through getting out of their own way and extending themselves to others, they won’t have as much time to focus on how they look or their problems. Being there for others can also allow them to have a more balanced perspective. A mountain out of a mole hill For example, if one was to spend a few days thinking about how bad something is, it is not going to be a surprise if they feel weighed down. Yet, if they were to simply acknowledge something and then directed their attention to back to serving others, they are not going to build it up in their mind. This will stop whatever it is from becoming an all-encompassing problem. The alternative would be to for them to give all their energy to it, which would be like watering something that one doesn’t want to grow. Awareness With this in mind, it is easy to see how someone’s mental and emotional health can suffer if they are too caught up with their own life. The antidote to this will be for someone to look into what they can do to serve others. This doesn’t mean that they will need to neglect their own needs to do this; what it means is that they won’t be so caught up in their own life that they are unable to be there for others. At the same time, there can be times when they won’t be able to be there for others but this will be different to always being this way. If one finds that it is hard for them to be there for others, due to how caught up they are with their own issues, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Over the years I have heard a number of people say that the only reason someone would be depressed is because their life lacks meaning. I even heard a yoga teacher come out with the same view.
But before I go into what my thoughts are on this, I will go along with what these people believed. It could be said that there is no denying the fact that, if someone’s life lacks meaning, they can experience a number of symptoms that are associated with being depressed. Nothing to Live For Through having no reason to live, they can find it hard to get out of bed, have no interest in life or pleasure and feel very low. Therefore, if they were to gain a sense of meaning, there is the chance that most of these symptoms would slowly disappear. In this case, they didn’t need to take anything or to have years of therapy – they simply found a reason for being on this earth. Their reason for being here is likely to involve serving others in some shape or form, which will enable them to feel connected to something greater than themselves. A New Outlook Through having something to focus on, it will stop them from getting caught up in the trivialities of life and it will stop their mind from creating problems. Ergo, what annoyed them before might not even enter their mind and their mind will have a bone to play with, so to speak. One is then going to on the same planet as they were before, but it could seem as though they have woken up somewhere else. And thanks to how their energy has shifted, other people may respond differently to them. It’s not black and white However, while part of me thought that there is some truth to what these people came out with, another part of me couldn’t completely accept it. What came to my mind were the athletes who had a purposeful existence but who suffered from depression. Or is there a chance that these athletes are just making it up and actually lead lives that lack meaning, with this being the reason why they are depressed? To say that someone would only be depressed because their life lacks meaning is no different to saying that someone is only overweight because they eat too much – it has no basis in reality. A Number of Reasons If someone comes out with someone like this it could show that this was the case for them or perhaps they have just read it in a book. There are, of course, all kinds of reasons as to why someone would suffer from depression. Someone like this may have experienced trauma as a child, and this would have had a negative effect on the brain in their head and their stomach. Then again, they may have recently lost a loved one or experienced a break up. Final Thoughts If someone is in a bad way, it will be vital for them to receive the right support. To tell someone why they are depressed without even taking a closer look at their life or their history, for instance, is not going to allow them to feel understood and it might not solve anything.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man is single, he may find that there is no one is his life that he can share certain things with. This can relate to how he feels, the challenges that he is going through and the things that he has done that he is not too happy about, for instance.
He can then have a big family and have a number of friends, but he won’t open up to any of these people. As a result, this is likely to mean that he will end up carrying a lot of stuff. A Heavy Weight Carrying all this weight can make it hard for him to function at his best. It could end up having a negative impact on his mental and emotional health, making it difficult for him to truly serve others. A little while ago, however, he may have shared what was going on for him with his partner. Through opening up to this person, it would have stopped him from being weighed down by his own stuff. Another Relationship Before long, he could soon end up finding someone else to be with, which will have a big effect on his life. Now, there will be someone in his life who he can share his inner world with. Thanks to this, it might only be a matter of time before he feels lighter; allowing him to feel more relaxed. He is then going to feel different, and the people in his life may notice a shift – that is, of course, if they are observant. Very Clear At the same time, the people in his life might not need to be observant as it could be perfectly clear that he has changed. These people could put this shift down to the fact that he is no longer single, but there will be slightly more to it than that. He will no longer have to keep everything to himself and this will have lifted a heavy weight from his shoulders. He might share just about everything with his partner and his partner could do the same thing with him. One Step Too Far By sharing so much with their partner it could enable them to have a very deep connection with them. Ultimately, this person will know far more about them than anyone else does. The problem with this is that if their relationship comes to an end, they are going to be right back where they started. If this was just one of the people who they open up to, it would be a very different story. High Expectations And, by only sharing their inner world with their partner, there could come a time when this person starts to feel weighed down. In the beginning they may like it, but as time passes it could be too much for them. Conversely, it could cause the other person to feel more like their mother than their partner. Due to what they have opened up about, the view that they have of them will have gradually changed. A Big Difference Naturally, there is a massive difference between a man revealing everything and keeping everything to themselves. Opening up about certain things can allow a man to form a deeper connection with their partner, yet revealing everything can lead to a loss of attraction and insecurity. This is something that could be put down to evolution and how, if a man is with a woman, a primal part of her being is going to need a man who is strong. Therefore, it won’t matter what her intellect has been conditioned to believe during her time on this planet, as another part of her will have a far greater influence on her. Two Reasons With this in mind, if a man is only confiding in his partner and he is telling them everything, it will probably be a good idea for him to change his approach. This way, there will be people he can open up to if the relationship does end and he will be able to share the things with these people that he doesn’t need to share with his partner. He might be able to open up more to the people in his life or he may need to find other people who he can trust. These will be people who will keep what he tells them to themselves. Keeping It Clear Having these people in his life will allow him to talk about the type of things that might harm his relationship. For example, if he had noticed that he felt attracted to other women, sharing this with his partner might cause unnecessary drama. Yet, by sharing this with another man, the man could tell him that this is normal and he could also go into the consequences that could arise if he was to act upon his desires. Sharing this with a trusted friend will have allowed him to get something off his chest and it won’t have contaminated his relationship. Awareness What this emphasises is how important it is for a man to have other men in his life who he can open up to. This will stop him from looking towards his partner to fulfil the type of needs that only other men can fulfil. One way for a man to find men like this is to join a men’s group. Here, he will be able to open up and ask for advice if he needs it, and the skills that he develops here can then be applied in the real world.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When someone starts to spend time with another person, they might not even think about trying to control what they can or can’t do. In fact, this could be the last thing that is on their mind.
What could primarily interest them is getting to know the other person and enjoying the time that they spend with them. At this stage, it might be clear to them that they are two separate people. The Next Phase However, as time goes by and they become closer to the other, they could feel the need to control what their other person does or doesn’t do. If this takes place, it is likely to show that part of them no longer sees the other person as a separate individual. Instead, the part of them that wants to define how the other persons lives their life is going to see them as an extension of themselves. And as this person is an extension of themselves, it is will be perfectly acceptable for them to behave in this manner. A Strong influence Now, if this part of them is really strong, it might not even be possible for them to realise what is taking place. As a result of this, they are going to completely lose touch with how they were before. In a way, it will be as if the person they were at the beginning has gone and they have now taken on a totally different identity. They are then going to look the same, but this could be as far as it will go. One Focus In addition to this, one is likely to spend a lot of time thinking about what their partner is doing. So if they were able to focus on other areas of their life during the early stages of their time together, this will no longer be the case. One way of looking at it would be to say that their partner has become the centre of their world, with everything else fading into the background. Behaving in this way is then not just going to have negative effect on their relationship; it will also have a negative effect on their whole life. A Shock Their partner may struggle to understand what has taken place, and they may respond in one of two ways. What they could do is make it clear that one’s behaviour is not acceptable. This could be done in a very gentle way or they could get angry and have a go at them. Then again, they might not even say anything and this may show that they are used to being with someone who is controlling. Two Outcomes If they do stand their ground and make it clear that one’s behaviour is not acceptable, one could apologise and say that they didn’t even realise they were being controlling. Alternatively, they could dismiss what is said and deny that they are doing anything wrong. If the latter takes place, they may need to think about whether or not they are with the right person. On the other hand, if they are used to being controlled, it is unlikely that they will do anything, and this means that one could get even worse as time goes by. A Few Examples When it comes to how one behaves, they may want to know what their partner is doing practically all of the time. They may tell say that they don’t want to them to do certain things or to see certain people. At one point they will take an inch and, as time goes by, they will end up taking a mile. Ideally, their partner will draw the line and walk away if one doesn’t change their behaviour, but if this doesn’t take place, they are likely to be in for an unpleasant time. The Reason If one was able to take a step back and to reflect on why they are behaving in this way, they may find that they do this to avoid how they feel. No longer behaving in this way could cause them to experience a fair amount of anxiety and, underneath this anxiety could be the fear of abandonment. Therefore, controlling their partner is simply a way for them to stop themselves from being overwhelmed with emotional pain. It can be hard to understand why an adult would have this fear; it is not as if they would actually die if their partner left them. A Powerful Force Nonetheless, although they look like an adult, they are not going to feel like an adult. At an emotional level, they are likely to feel like a needy child, and this part of them will be controlling their behaviour. The reason that they feel like a needy child can be because they were neglected during their early years. Perhaps this was a time when they were abandoned, which is why they have a fear of being abandoned as an adult. Awareness What they fear will then have already happened, and this is likely to mean that what they actually fear is coming into contact with the pain of being abandoned. This pain doesn’t have to control them forever, though. Yet, the only way that this pain will no longer control them is if they do something about the emotional pain that is within them. With the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance, they will be able to work through this pain.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has spent a lot of time and effort building up their own life, it can be hard for them to understand why they would feel uncomfortable now that their life is going in the right direction. Yet, even if only one area of their life is going as they would like it to go, they could still be confused.
It is then going to be as if one has asked for something and, now that they have got it, they are not happy. Still, this doesn’t mean that they are not pleased with how their life is going; what it comes down to is that part of them is not going to be on board with what is taking place. Inner Shift If they didn’t feel uncomfortable, it would be possible for them to appreciate the direction that their life is taking. Taking this into account, something will need to change inside them in order for them to feel more at peace and to embrace what they have achieved. Ultimately, what they are experiencing is not normal – it shows that something isn’t right. Nonetheless, before one was able to take a step back and to reflect on what is taking place, they might have been sucked into how they felt. A Few Areas If their whole life is going in the right direction, it could mean that their career is going well, they have a number of close friends, they are in an intimate relationship and they are in good shape, for instance. A number of years ago, their life may have been radically different. Based on how they feel, it could be said that the discomforted that they are experiencing is completely irrational. The same could also be said if one area of their life is going well and they feel uncomfortable. External Feedback If one was to share what is taking place for them with a friend or a family member, they could be told that they just need to relax and to embrace what they have achieved. In their eyes, it is not going to do one any good to get caught up in the discomfort that is inside them. After hearing this, one may find that they are able to settle down and to enjoy their life again. Then again, one may find that hearing this doesn’t help them, and it might even make them feel even worse. More Pressure If they do feel worse, it could be because they might now feel as though they are getting worked up for no reason. One could believe that if only they were stronger, there would be no need for them to feel so edgy. Blaming themselves for what is taking place is clearly not going to serve them; they are under enough stress as it is. What one will need to remember is that this is a fairly new experience for them, so it might take a while for them to get to the bottom of what is going on. Tuning In If one was to connect to what is taking place inside them, they may find that there is a fair amount of anxiety and fear. Therefore, although their life is going well (or one part of it is), it will seem as though something bad is about to happen. It then won’t matter how well their life is going as their inner world will be telling them that it is all about to come to an end. If they are able to stop themselves from getting pulled into this, they could wonder why they feel this way. Another Part In addition to this, they could also find that part of them doesn’t believe that they deserve to experience life in this way. So if everything that they have achieved was taken away, it would feel right to this part of them. What could become clear at this point is that not every part of their being is on the same page. Part of them wants to achieve their goals and to experience joy, while another part of them isn’t interested in achieving anything and wants to be unhappy. A Closer Look There may have been a time in their adult life when something was taken away for them, setting them up believe that the same thing would happen in the future. At the same time, what they are currently going through could be the result of what occurred during their early years. For example, they may have grown up in a very unpredictable environment, due to one caregiver being emotionally unstable. At one point, everything might have been fine and, at another, it could have been complete anarchy. One Experience Conversely, this stage of their life may have been going well, only for it to change suddenly. Perhaps their caregivers broke up or one had to move into a completely different area. Whatever took place, it would have set them up to believe that good things don’t last, and what took place would have been taken to heart. In other words, one would have believed that the reason their life changed was due to the fact that there was something wrong with them. Awareness At this age they would have been ego centric, and this was why they would have taken it personally. In reality, what took place had nothing do to with them or reflect their value as a person. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It has been said that when someone feels as though they belong to something else, it will have a positive effect on their mental, emotional and physical health. When it comes to what they belong to, this could involve being part of a family, a group of friends or to a religious group.
This undoubtedly comes down to the fact that one is in interdependent human being. Due to this, they are not supposed to operate as though they are their own island. Positive Feedback When one is part of a family or has a group of friends, for instance, spending time with these people is going to provide them with positive reinforcement. Also, they won’t be on this planet all by themselves, they will be part of something greater, But even if these people don’t always give them positive feedback, simply being around them will benefit them. And if they are going through a challenging time, the support around them will make it easier for them to handle what they are going through. Other Options Furthermore, one could join a group or an organisation to build more bridges to others, thereby increasing their sense of belonging. This is something that could take place by volunteering. Investing their time in a cause that is bigger than themselves will further enhance their wellbeing. Another benefit of this is that the more things they are a part of, the easier it will be for them to handle a setback. Resilience Being part of different things will give them strength, strength that will allow them to perform at their best. And if one that thing that they are part of falls away, there will be plenty of others things left to nourish them. So should they get ill or feel down, having people around them is going to make it easier for them to get back on their feet. There will be people there to support them and just knowing that these people are there can have a big impact. The Norm One may find that they have experienced life in this way for as long as they can remember; meaning that they might not know what it is like to experience life differently. It could be said that this will be a good thing as experiencing life differently is not going to be very pleasant. Unfortunately, there are plenty of people in their world who don’t have this sense of belonging. For someone like this, the world can be a very lonely place and they can wonder if they deserve to be here. Isolated There is the chance that they don’t have a family and they might not have a group of friends, either. One is then going to be an interdependent human being, but it will be as though they are their own island. Then again, it might not this black and white as they may have a family and there could be people in their life. Either way, they won’t feel as though they are part of anything else or that anyone else wants them around. Alone Through feeling this way, there is going to be no reason for them to reach out to others and to try to change their life. Perhaps there has been moment in their life when other people made it clear that they were not welcome. The support that they miss out on, through not feeling as though they belong or part of anything greater than themselves, can have make it hard for them to feel good about themselves and for their mental and emotional health to suffer. For example, after they experience a setback, it could take a lot longer for them to get back up. A Deeper Look One may even believe that they are not like other people, even though they are a human being. Not attaching to others is going to cause them to suffer, yet it can be seen as the only option that they have. What this may illustrate is that one believes that there is something inherently wrong with them, which is why they are basically an outsider. This is why they can’t extend themselves to others and be part of anything else. What’s going on? Now, it can seem as though one is this way because of what has occurred throughout their adult life, but it could go back even further. There is the chance that one didn’t feel as though they belonged as a child. Maybe this was a stage of their life when they were neglected or even abused. So instead of being treated in a way that allowed them to realise that they belonged on this planet, they would have been made to feel as though they were not wanted and were nothing more than a burden. Destructive Programming How they were treated, along with that they were told would then have formed the view that they have of themselves and the world. The truth is, however, that they do deserve to be here and to belong. The software that is running within them that is telling them otherwise is most likely what is causing them to re-experience what took place in the past. What is keeping the past alive is likely to be their beliefs and emotional pain and the trauma that they experienced at this stage of their life. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to let go of stuff within them that is sabotaging their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
One thing that social media has given people is somewhere where they can share their thoughts on just about anything. For some people, this is somewhere where they can tear other people down.
Someone like this can pull another person down and they won’t need to worry about getting into trouble. What they say could be aimed at someone in the public eye or it could be aimed at another social media user. A Few Reasons One might not like what another person has said or they might not like what they have created. Either way, they will be happy to say things to this person that they might not say if they met them in the real world. After they have said something online, they may find that they feel better about themselves. Sharing their thoughts online will then have been a way for them to release the energy that has build up within them. A Short-Term Solution Yet, even if this does give them a release, it might not be long until they need to have another release. It will be as if there is a continual build up of tension within them that will need to be released on a regular basis. So what they are doing is not going to actually solve anything and it is also going to cause them to have a negative effect on others. Sure, some people might be able to brush of what they say, but there will be others that are unable to do so. A Destructive Influence After they have laid into another person, this person could end up going into a very dark place. Perhaps this person was already in a bad way and, after they were put down, it sent them even further over the edge. One can then ask themselves if this is the kind of impact that they want to have whilst they are on this earth. They can think about how much of a difference they could make if they stopped behaving in this way and did what they could to lift other people up. A Big Difference Not only would this stop them from wasting their precious time, it would also allow them to be a force for good in the world. To make this shift, one may need to look into why they enjoy pulling other people down. Maybe, it because they don’t feel comfortable in their own skin and need to do this to feel good about themselves. Maybe, they are not happy with their own life and spreading their own misery is the only way that they can keep their head above water, so to speak. Final Thoughts Ultimately, whether they realise it or not, they are always having an effect on others. If they are not in a good way, it can be easy for them to tear other people down and to overlook the impact that they are having. If one can see that they are not in a good way, and they are willing to do something about this, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has a friend who is going through a tough time, they could end up telling them what they need to do to get through it. This is then going to be a time when they will try to fix or rescue this person.
Simply being there for this person is not going to be enough; they will need to go even further. So regardless of whether their friend wanted them to do anything or not, one will take on this role. Their Modus Operandi Clearly, then, one is going to have a strong connection to their masculine element, the part of them that relates to doing. Their feminine element, the part of them that relates to being, could generally be offline. One could believe that it is down to them to guide others, and that this is also what other people want them to do. Even so, this doesn’t mean that their friend will be pleased with how one has behaved. Too Much Their friend could come away feeling as though one wasn’t really been there for them. Instead, it could be as if one disregarded what they are going through and was more interested in directing them down a certain path. As a result, it is not going to be a surprise if this person feels ignored and invalidated. In the future, this person might think twice about telling one what they are going through, preferring to open up to someone who will simply be there for them. Leaning Back If one found out about the effect that their behaviour had, they may find it hard to understand what is going on. As far as they are concerned, the best way to assist another person could be to give them advice. Simply being there for another person could seem like a complete waste of time. It might then be necessary for them to look into why they believe this and to see if these beliefs have any basis in reality. Looking Deeper After reflecting on why they behave in this way, they may find that part of them believes that their value is based on what they do for others. Therefore, unless they do things for someone, they won’t value them. Furthermore, they may find that being around people who are not in a good way or who express how they feel makes them feel uncomfortable. Thus, doing what they can to deal with another person’s discomfort stops them from experiencing inner discomfort. A New Approach With all this going on within them, it is naturally going to be a challenge for them to be present when another person is going through a tough time. They will need to do something to stop themselves from getting pulled into the experience. Now, one could decide to be there for another person and not to do anything, but unless they can truly be present, this can end up being another technique. One will then be doing what they can to be present as opposed to simply being present. The First Part It could be said that the first step will be for one to be able to hold space for themselves and, once they can do this, holding space for others will be natural. When they can do this for themselves, it will involve being with how they feel. This means that they won’t need to change or repress what is going on for them. So in the same way that a loving parent will be there to sooth their child, part of them will be there to sooth the emotional part of their being. A Powerful Process When this takes place, their intellect won’t have to turn their ‘negative’ feelings into ‘positive’ ones – this part of them will be able to sit back. Through being there for their emotional self and not resisting what is taking place, they won’t add any more energy to what is going on within them. This will stop them from feeding into what is going on within them and making it even harder for them to handle how they feel. And if they can’t handle what they are going through, they will be able to reach out to someone else who can hold space for them. The Second Step Through having the ability to hold space for themselves, they will know how powerful it is to do this. When they do this for others, they will be in their body and listening with their heart. The other person is then likely to feel their presence and this will provide them with the support that they need. One is not doing anything during this time; they are simply being with the other person. Numerous Benefits But while one won’t be doing anything, the other person will be receiving exactly what they need. Ones presence alone can allow the other person to feel seen and heard, and this is because one won’t be invaliding their experience in any way. This person will be able to express what is going on for them without having to worry about being judged or having their emotional experience dismissed or minimised. After this has happened, this person can feel lighter, gain a new perspective and it can allow them to feel more integrated. Awareness Having the ability to hold space is likely to be something that their friends, family and their partner (if they have one) will appreciate. If one finds it hard to hold space for themselves, it may mean that they have some inner wounds to work through. These inner wounds can be worked through with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. By working with someone who will hold the space for them, one will be able to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves, and in turn, their presence will grow.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
A number of months ago, I heard someone say that they couldn’t live without their partner. Now, this wasn’t because this person was disabled and therefore, needed this person in order to be able to handle life.
No, this was someone who was perfectly capable of handling life by themselves. However, although this was the case, this person created the impression that they needed their partner. A Deeper Look Based on what they came out with, it could be said that their survival was attached to their partner. So even though they were a capable human being, a big part of them didn’t feel that way. It then didn’t matter how healthy their physical body was or how developed their intellect was, as their emotional self was undermining them. This part of them cancelled out the other parts of them. Emotionally Undeveloped At an emotional level, there is a strong chance that they felt like a needy child; not a strong adult who could support themselves. Their physical age was then radically different to their emotional age. Ultimately, they were not emotionally interdependent; they were emotionally dependent. As a result of this, they may have had the tendency to neglect their own needs and to do what they could to fulfil their partner’s needs. The Priority Experiencing life in this is unlikely to have been very fulfilling for them, but it likely to have been something that just happened. Neglecting their own needs would have been seen as a being better than the alternative – being abandoned. Even if they were not aware of this fear, it would still have had a lot of control over their life. To the emotional part of their being, being left would have been seen as something that would bring their life to an end. Two Parts Along with this, they may have believed that there was something inherently wrong with them. Consequently, this would have caused them to believe that their needs were not important, and it would have been seen as the reason why another person would leave them. Hiding who they are and doing what they can to please their partner is going to be vital. The question is: why would someone not feel comfortable in their own skin and have a fear of being abandoned? Early Years What this may show is that their formative years were a time when they didn’t receive the right care. Perhaps this was a time when they were neglected and abused, which would have stopped them from being able to develop in the right way. Instead of going through the developmental stages, they would have stayed in a dependent state. Not only this, the shame that they experienced would have disconnected them from their inherent worth. Final Thoughts If someone can relate to this, and they want to emotionally grow up, they may need to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. With external support, one can start to work through their winner wounds, and by doing this they can become a more integrated human being. This is likely to be something that takes patience and persistence.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Masculinity: Does A Man Need To Heal His Father Wounds If He Is Out Of Touch With His Masculinity?3/7/2019
What a man may find, that’s if he was to take a step back and to reflect on his life, is that it is a challenge for him to assert himself. As a result of this, it can be normal for other people to walk over him.
It is then not that other people will physically walk over him; it is that they will walk all over his reality. Being treated in this way is likely to make it hard for him to feel good about himself. A Follower Going along what other people want and not standing his ground is going to mean that he is not a leader of his own life. The people around him are going to define what he does or doesn’t do. Like a piece of paper on the ground on a windy day, he will be blown all over the place. Said another way, he is not going to be the centre of his own life. Drifting Along Experiencing life in this way is going to mean that he doesn’t have a strong sense of purpose - his purpose will be what other people want it to be. Living in this way will stop him from having to think about what he wants or how he wants his life to be, but it won’t be a very empowering way to live. What a man like this may find is that he is used to feeling angry, frustrated, hopeless and powerless. Feeling down and even dressed is then going to be something that he will experience on a daily or weekly basis. Going Along To Get Along When it comes to the people in his life, these could be people who are happy to tell him what to do and how he should lead his life. Yet, even if this doesn’t take place, he could just go along with what these people are doing. He is going to be more like an extension of others as opposed to a separate human being. Doing what these people want is typically going to be his priority, causing him to neglect his own needs. Another Area If he is in a relationship, this could be yet another area of his life when he doesn’t show up. The person he is with could be more like his mother than his equal, making all the decisions for him. And while his partner may enjoy being in charge, another part of them may resent the fact that he doesn’t stand up for himself. They might not have much respect for him and they might not really be attracted to him, either. Out of Balance But, although he will find it hard to act like an individual, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be part of his personality that other people won’t admire. For example, he may find it relatively easy to empathise with others and to be compassionate. There can then be people in his life who appreciate this part of him and these people may open up to him whenever they have problems. Being there for others in this way will also allow him to fulfil his need for approval. Time For A change If the man was to think about how long he has been this way for, he may find that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. Thanks to this, it could be a hard for him to imagine that his life could be any different. Nonetheless, regardless of how long his life has been this way for, it doesn’t mean that it has to stay like this forever. There is a reason why he is out of touch with his masculine power; it is unlikely that he was simply born this way. A Closer Look What is likely to have played a big part in the relationship that he has with his own masculinity is the relationship that he had with his father during his early years. Additionally, how his father was treated by his mother would have also played a part. For example, this may have been a time when his father was physically abusive, which would have caused him to develop an unhealthy relationship with this part of his being. His masculinity would have been seen as dangerous and therefore, something that needed to be hidden at all costs. Two Sides As his father was out of control, his mother may have spent a lot time telling him how bad his father was. Indentifying with this mother (the feminine) and rejecting his father (the masculine) may have been something that just happened, or he may have rejected both elements, becoming a nonentity in the process. Either way, due to the fact that his father wasn’t a good role model, the last thing he would have wanted to do was to identify with him. This would have left him in no man’s land – unable to operate as a whole human being. Slightly Different Conversely, he may have grown up without a father and this would have deprived him of a male figure to identify with. His mother may have had the tendency to speak badly of his father and men in general, setting him up to feel ashamed of who he was. Not having a male figure around would have stopped him from being able to emotionally separate from his mother, too. His father would have been the one who pulled him away from his mother and prepared him for the world. Emotionally Stunted The former can be seen as a world of unconditional love, while the latter can be seen as a world of conditional love. His need to please women as an adult is then a sign that he is still emotionally enmeshed to his mother, and this stops him from being unable to see women as just people. For him to be able to listen to his true-self and for this part of him to define his life, he will need to embrace his whole being. To do this, it will be essential for him to make peace with the father that lives within him. Awareness Rejecting this part of himself is preventing him from being able to embrace his true power. Part of this work will also involve resolving the wounds that he has in relation to his mother. If a man can relate this, and he longer wants to deny this part of himself, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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