Self-Image: Is Someone Who Feels Inferior More Likely To Get Help Than Someone Who Feels Superior?6/8/2015
When one has a challenge in their life, they can think that they don’t need to put in a lot of effort or they may think they need to put in a lot of effort. It can all depend on what part they believe that are playing in what is taking place.
However, just because one is playing a part in what is taking place; it doesn’t mean they are willing to take responsibility. In this case, they can see themselves as observers and the people around them as being the cause. Alternatively, one could respond to life in the opposite way, and this means they can be the ones who take responsibility for everything that happens. Through having this outlook, they will see the people around them as being nothing more than the observers of what is happening. Out of Balance Ideally, one will look into what they are responsible for and what they are not responsible for. If they don’t take this approach, they will be out of balance, and while being responsible is often seen as being better than being irresponsible, if one takes on what isn’t there’s, they are going to suffer unnecessarily. They may end up being seen in a positive light, but they are going to use a lot of energy and their well-being is going to be effected. Whereas, if one was to always blame others, they are not going to use as much energy, but they will suffer as time passes. Behaviour Their behaviour is not going to endear them to others and this is going to cause one to be seen in a negative light. And while the people around them may wonder why they can’t see what part they are playing, they might be oblivious to how they have anything to with what is taking place. It could then be said that one person is focused on what is taking place externally and the other has very little, if any, awareness of what is taking place. And even if they do have moments when they are aware, they are likely to block out any feedback that arises. Out of Touch The person who is overly responsible is likely to be in a position where they are more aware of others people’s needs than they do of their own, and this mean they are out of touch with their own needs. If one avoids responsibility, they are likely to be so concerned with their own needs that they are unable to respond to the needs of others. Focusing on others is then a way for one person for stop themselves from being rejected, and while the other person still fears being rejected, they avoid feeling rejected through detaching from the external world. Each person behaves in a different way, but each approach is a way for one to protect themselves from pain. Different Sides When one always takes responsibility for everything, they are likely to see themselves as being flawed. They are the reason things go wrong and as a result of this, it is going to be normal for them to see themselves as the ‘problem’. However, when one always blames others, they are likely to believe that there is nothing wrong with them and that it is other people who are flawed. They are then not the reason things go wrong, and therefore, it is going to be normal for them to see other people as the ‘problem’. Boundaries It is clear to see that each person lacks boundaries; they don’t realise where they begin and where they end. Being overly responsible is a sign that one is enmeshed to others and doesn’t have a strong sense of self. And when one always blame others, it shows that it is not possible for them to own their own reality, and this also shows that their sense of self is not based on firm foundations. The idea they have of themselves is likely to be something they have created to avoid how they really feel. Moving On While one could just continue to take the blame because of how they feel about themselves, there is also the chance there will come a time where they will look for answers. This is a partly because they believe there is something wrong with them, and this can then give them the impetus to reach out. If, on the other hand, one has covered up how they truly feel about themselves and is always pointing the finger at others, there is not much chance of them looking for answers. This is primarily because they believe there is nothing wrong with them, and there is then no need for them to change. An Asset What this shows is that when one feels inferior and see themselves as the problem, they can be in a better position than someone who feel superior and sees others as the problem. And as they start to let go and realise their inherent value, they will no longer need to be overly responsible. This doesn’t mean that someone who always blames others won’t read books on self-development or end up in therapy, for instance. But if this does take place, they are likely to be looking for ways to decorate their false-self and/or it will be way for them to find other people who agree with their outlook. Awareness Through being around people who validate their outlook, they won’t need to see what part they are playing and they can then carry on with their life. Yet, if their therapist was to encourage them to look at what part they are playing, they may soon stop seeing them. If one wants to let go and to realise what they are responsible for and what they are not, they may need to work with a therapist. During this time, one is likely to be letting go of toxic shame, among other things.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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Disrespect: Do Some People’s Childhoods Set Them Up To Have A Low Tolerance For Disrespect?4/8/2015
When someone is shown respect, they are likely to respond in a certain way, whereas, if they are not respected, they are likely to respond in another way. However, this is not to say that everyone feels they deserve the same level of respect.
But when someone doesn’t get the level of respect they feel they deserve, it can end up having a negative effect on them. And the type of effect it has will depend on how they interpret to what happens. Therefore, there is not just what takes place; there is also how one interprets what takes place. Yet, it can be easy for one to take things personally, and when this happens, it won’t matter what the other person’s intentions are. A Different Experience If one person was introduced to someone and didn’t receive eye contact, it might end up being overlooked. They may say that the other person was just shy or that they lacked confidence, for instance. It is then not going to be something that has a lasting impact on how they feel and they will soon forget about what took place. In this case, this may be a sign that they are used to getting eye contact from others and this is why they are able to overlook the experience. Another Outlook When this happens to someone else, it might not only affect them in that moment, it might also stay with them for some time afterwards. It is then not something they can overlook and this is because they will take what happened personally. As a result of this, it could be said that they have interpreted the situation differently, and this is why they can’t just let go of what happened. And instead of this being something that rarely happens, this might be something they have become accustomed to. Intention While there will be times when someone has the intention to disrespect another person, there are also going to be times when this is not the case. The way one treats another person is often more about what is going on for them then what is going on for the other person. The other person may have had a bad day or being going through a stressful period in their life. They might have a disrespectful personality, and this could mean that they have never been taught how to show respect. Examples And while a lack of eye contact is one way in which someone can feel disrespected, there are many other ways. This can also take place when one doesn’t hear back from someone and if they are talking and another person talks over them. What is seen as being a clear sign of disrespected to one person might not be seen in the same way by another. If one feels slighted by something, the people around them may wonder why they are getting so worked up. Two Outcomes If one person feels disrespected, they might end up feeling angry and this could then cause them to speak up. Or they might just feel angry and keep the whole experience to themselves. However, this could also cause one to act aggressively, and this means they could become violent. Being disrespected is then something that causes them to lose all self-control and to harm another person. Thinking When one is in a position where they feel disrespected, there will be what happened and then there will be how they have interpreted what happened. What has taken place may be a clear sign of disrespect, but at the same time, their response is still going to be influenced by what is taking place in their mind. One way for them to change how they respond will be for them to take a look at what takes place in their mind and to change their thoughts. Through this, it may be possible for them to develop a greater tolerance for those moments in their life where people are unable to show them the respect that they feel they deserve. Emotional Containment Thinking in the right way will not be the only part of this; it will also be important for one to contain their emotions. For if their emotions are out of control, it might not matter what they think, and this shows how powerful one’s emotions are. If this is not possible and one has absolutely no emotional control, there may be a greater chance of them acting in ways that are harmful. This may also mean that they haven’t got the ability to think clearly either, and there is then not much chance of them being able change what takes place in their head when they believe they are being disrespected. Low Tolerance So if one doesn’t have the ability to think clearly and they have very little, if any, emotional control, it doesnt take long to realise why they have a low tolerance when it comes to being disrespected. One’s reptile brain can then take over and the response of another triggers a response in them; there is no thought involved. This can then explain why some people are violent when they are disrespected, and while other people can wonder why they are acting in this way, it might be the only option they have. It is then as normal for them to take it personally and to be violent as it is for someone else to see it as impersonal and then to carry on with their life. Why Is This? If one responds to life in this way, it could come down to how they were treated during their younger years. This is likely to have been a time they were abused and neglected by others, and whether being disrespected causes one to be violent or just to feel angry can depend on a number of different factors. However, these early experiences can also set one up to have a high tolerance to being disrespected. It is then not something that stands out, and this is because it is something they have come to accept. Development When one is abused and neglected, they are unlikely to receive the care they need in order to develop their ability to regulate their emotions, and this is then going to make it difficult for them to think. As a result of this, it is then going to make it hard for them to experience self-control. Being disrespected as an adult can then remind them of what happened during their childhood years and the rage they experienced during this time can come up to the surface. Harming another person is then the only way for them to regulate how they feel. Awareness So if one has a low tolerance for disrespect, it will be important for them to look at what is taking place in their head. And if it is not possible for them to think clearly because of what is taking place at an emotional level, they may need to develop the ability to regulate and contain their emotions. As they develop their emotional strength, it should be easier for them to think clearly, and they may need to reach out for support in order for this to occur. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. Part of this process will also involve working through the emotional pain of the past. Through working through this pain, it will also make it easier for one to be present.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
In a relationship were each person is at the same level, one person is not going to see themselves as being above the other. This is not to say that each person is at the same level materially, for instance, but this is not going to affect the amount of respect they have for each other.
Abuse As a result of this, this is not going to be a relationship were any kind of abuse takes place. If one person is not doing very well in a certain area of their life or if they are going through a bad patch, they are not going to be looked down upon. The other person may ask them if they can do anything to help or simply be there to listen to them. Through this, they are not placing themselves above the other person; they are just being present. Alternatively If one person’s life is on the rise or they have recently achieved something significant, there will be no need for the other person to place them on a pedestal. Even if this causes them to experience jealousy or to reflect on their own life for a short time, the whole dynamic of the relationship won’t need to alter. What this will come down to is that each person is on their own path and no matter what they are going through at any given moment, they have both come into the world in the same way and they will go out in the same way. In each moment, one person may come across as superior or inferior but this is simply the result of the minds tendency to label what it sees. Inner Experience And while this is what can happen externally, their internal world is also likely to match up. This is not to say that they won’t have moments where they feel superior or inferior; what it means it that they are not going to identify with these inner states. So if one’s friend is going through a ‘bad’ patch, for instance, they are not going to view the other person as incapable. And if one’s friend is going through a ‘good’ patch, for instance, they are not going to come to the conclusion that the other person is better than them. Conscious Relationship Another way of looking at this would be to say that this is what can happen when two people have a conscious relationship. And as has been mentioned above, feelings of superiority and inferiority may arise, but the difference is that each person is not going to allow these feelings to define what happens in their relationship. It would be easy to say that such feelings don’t arise in a relationship where two people are ‘conscious’, but then this would create the idea that human beings can be perfect. The difference here is that each person will be open to what arises on one hand and willing to work through what arises on the other. Out of Touch However, when one is not aware of what is taking place within them, they can end up being attracted to people who act as though they are inferior. Yet, if one is in touch with what is taking place within then, they can end up being attracted to people who act as though they are superior. This is because if one feels inferior, they can either go to the opposite extreme or they can end up being overwhelmed by how they feel. When one goes to the other end of the spectrum, they are likely to come across as though they are better than others, and if they get caught up in how they feel, they can come across as though they are less-than others. The Attraction If one feels superior to others, they are going to feel the need to have people around them who feel inferior as this will validate their sense of superiority. In this case, the people around them will give them the kind of feedback they desire. When one feels inferior, they are going to be drawn to people who act superior and this is because they will validate how they see themselves. The people they have in their life will treat them in a way that matches up with their self-image. The Same Level However, appearances are deceiving, and while each person appears to be in a different position, they are both coming from the same place at a deeper level. The person who feels superior is attracted to the person who feels inferior because they remind them of what they have disconnected from. Whereas, the person who feels inferior looks up to the person who feels superior because it gives them someone to identify with, and through this, they are able to experience a sense of worth. Yet, all the time the relationship stays the same, it is not going to be possible for them to realise their value and for the other person to come back down to earth. Stuck So unless each person is willing to not only face how they feel but to work through it, they will continue to play out the same dynamic. When one has the need to act superior or comes across as inferior, it is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame. This is not an inner experience that is easy to face, and this is why one can end up doing everything they can to avoid it. When this takes place, it is normal for one to come across as though they are more-than human. Awareness In order for one move beyond this, it will be important for them to get in touch with how they feel and to work through it. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or support group.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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