True-Self: Can The Fear Of Abandonment Stop Someone From Being Able To Express Who They Are?4/8/2019
What allows one to have their own life on this planet is not just their physical body; it is also the fact that they have their own needs and feelings. If they didn’t have their own needs and feelings, it wouldn’t matter if they had their own body – or vehicle.
The reason for this is that although they would be physically separate, their life would be an expression of someone else’s needs and feelings. It would then be a complete waste of time for them to have their own body as their life wouldn’t be an expression of who they are. Important Elements Taking this into account, it shows how vital ones needs and feelings are and that they can’t be overlooked. If they are, their life won’t have a lot to do with who they truly are; it will merely be a reflection of other people. Therefore, if one is in touch with who they are and they pay attention to the information that is within them, it will allow them to live a life that is fulfilling. On the other hand, if they overlook what is going on with them, this won’t be the case. The Only Choice However, although it will be clear what the best option is, it doesn’t mean that everyone expresses who they are. There will be some people that do, while there will be others that don’t. Furthermore, even If someone’s doesn’t express who they are, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Through having experienced life in this way for so long, they will be unaware of what is actually going on. Paying the Price Nonetheless, not having this connection with themselves won’t necessarily prevent them from suffering. Not expressing who they are could cause them to experience emotional pain from time to time, yet they could end up covering it up. They might have a number of different ways to push this pain out of their conscious awareness. But even if this does take place, this pain won’t have been completely removed from their being. Here, But Not Here Physically one will be here, but their true-self won’t see the light of day, which is why they will suffer. And even if someone is in touch with their needs and feelings, if they don’t pay attention to what is going on inside them, their life is not going to be much better. Unlike the person who is not aware of this, they will know only too well that they are not expressing who they are. Being aware of this will probably mean that it will be even harder for them to carry on with how things are. A Time for a Change It could be said that someone like this will need to change their behaviour and to no longer hide who they are. If someone is not aware of the fact that they are hiding themselves, it is highly unlikely that they will try to change their behaviour. For someone like this to change, they might need to go through something dramatic, such as a break up or a loss. Going through something like this would be painful, but it could be what allows their false-self to crack open and to fall away. Another Way What one may find, that’s if they were to try to change their behaviour, is that they end up experiencing a lot of fear. This fear could be so intense that it just isn’t possible for them to take the next step. If they were able to take a step back, and to look into why they experience so much fear, what they could find is that they believe that they would be abandoned if they revealed themselves. One way of looking at this would be to say that this is only a belief - it is not the truth. It Goes Deeper Questioning this belief and the thoughts that go with it might be enough for them to gradually express who they are. Conversely, one could find that doing this doesn’t make it any easier for them to express who they are. What this could show is that they are carrying the pain of being abandoned, and this may have been something that took place throughout their early years. In this case, one won’t just have a fear of being abandoned; they will also carry the pain of being abandoned. A Traumatic Time Whenever they were left at this stage of their life, it would have most likely felt as though their life was going to end. They would have been overwhelmed with emotional pain and there wouldn’t have been anything that they could have done to handle this pain. The only option would have been for them to shut down and to leave their body. Many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but the pain that they experienced will have stayed inside them. Awareness In addition to the pain that they experienced through being left, they may have also experienced a lot of shame. Being left would have been taken personally due to being egocentric as this stage of their life; in reality, it had nothing to do with their value and everything to do with what was going on for their caregiver/s. If one can relate to this, and they want to transform their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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There is so much going on in today’s world that it can be easy for someone to lose touch with what is taking place within them. Regardless of whether they are around others or by themselves, there can be at least one thing that will consume their attention.
One can then be drawn this way or that way, being nothing more than a slave to their own mind. So instead of being the driver of their own vehicle, they will be in the passenger’s seat. The Outcome Through having all this control, their mind can make them focus on all kinds of things. Both internally and externally, they will be feeding their energy into things that won’t serve their highest good. When it comes to what is going on internally, they can focus on all the negative scenarios that their mind has come up with. And, when it comes to what is going on externally, they can focus on all the dramas that other people have created. Off-Centre In order for them pull themselves out of the internal and external distractions; they will need to become aware of what is taking place. Once they can see how they have been misdirecting their focus, they will be to do something else about it. This is unlikely to be something that will take place straight away, and this is because this will have been going on for so long. Therefore, as with any habit that has been formed, it will take a concerted effort to change it. One Way One thing that one can do to become more aware is to meditate. This is not to say that they will have to sit crossed-legged in a dark room, though, as they could do this while they are walking in nature, for instance. Ultimately, this will be a time when they are breathing into their stomach and observing what is taking place within them. Thus, instead of being completely indentified with their mind, and not even realising that they are not their mind, they will be the watcher of it. Preparation By developing this ability, they will start to notice when their mind is taking over in their day-to-day life. One can then notice when they are feeding into a negative scenario that their mind has created and take a step back from it. The energy that they would have directed towards something destructive can then be directed towards something constructive. They will find that this gets easier, providing they continue to meditate. Final Thoughts A few times a week, one could find a time when they are able to observe their inner world in peace for about twenty minutes. One could do this for longer as time passes, and they could even engage in this process throughout their day. When this takes place, it will show that they have become a more mindful person. This is then not so much something that they do; it will have become part of who they are.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can A Past Life Connection Cause Someone To Stay In A Dysfunctional Relationship?3/8/2019
If someone was to come to the conclusion that they are in a relationship that is not very healthy, they could look into what they could do to change it. Through taking this approach, it will give them the chance to see if anything can be done.
There will most likely be what they will need to do and then, there will be the part that their partner needs to play. So, if they are both willing to do what needs to be done, it might only be a matter of time before this area of their life changes. A Dead End Then again, one may find that their partner says that they are willing to change, but that’s as far as it goes. This could be something that they will end up saying more than once, which will make it clear that they are all talk and no action. At the same time, their partner could make out that their relationship is fine or they could say that they themselves are not the ones who need to change. Either way, it will be crystal clear that their relationship is not going to get any better; in fact, it is likely to get a lot worse. Moving Apart One can then cut their ties with this person or they can continue to stay in a relationship that doesn’t serve them. If they move on, it will allow them to heal and to look into what they may need to do to find a more suitable match. On the other hand, if they stay with this person, they will be undermining themselves. If they do stay with them, what they may find that they are no longer emotionally connected to them. It’s Finished The emotional part of their being may have ended up shutting down in order to protect themselves from pain. To be in touch with how they felt may have been too painful, especially as their partner is no longer responding to their needs. They can then live together but it can be as if they live a million miles away from each other. At this point, it will be a relationship that takes a lot from them and gives them very little in return. Inner Conflict For their own sanity, it will be essential for them to muster up the courage and to move on with their life. What will make this easier is if they reach out for the support of friends and family, for instance. After all, one is not their own island; they are an interdependent human being. What can also help is for them to think about how much worse their life will be if they don’t break up with their partner. A Slightly Different Scenario Now, if one is in a dysfunctional relationship it will be bad enough, but it could be even worse if they are with someone who they have a really close bond with. What this could mean is that they are with someone who they have been with before. However, this won’t be someone who they were with a few months or even a few years ago; it will be someone who they had a relationship with in a previous life. On one level, being with this person will be causing them all kinds of problems but, on another level, they can feel like they are supposed to be together. A Strong Attachment One may have tried to make their relationship better and their partner may have also tried, yet it won’t have taken the relationship down a different path. If one didn’t see this person as someone who they have a past life connection with, they may have left a long time ago. Being with this person will be having a negative effect on their mental and emotional health, yet another part of them will be holding on. To this part of them, leaving this person could be seen as something that would cause their life to come to an end. Another Perspective If one was to open up to someone else about what they are going through, they could end up being told that they are addicted to this person. And that what is holding them together is anything but love. After hearing this, one could dismiss what this person has said, believing that they simply doesn’t understand. Alternatively, this could have a profound effect on them, making them realise how toxic their relationships actually is. Back To Their Senses If this does happen, one will be able to pay attention to what is happening now, not what happened in another life. Focusing on what is going on now, and allowing this to dictate how they behave, will be far better for their wellbeing than focusing on what happened a long time ago. Or to be more accurate, it will be far better than focusing on what is happening in another life that is also happening now, as the past and even the future are all supposed to be taking place in the eternal now. Anyway, it will be their current life that they need to pay attention to and to allow this to govern their decisions. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they can see that they are hooked on someone who is not a good match for them, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. During this time, they may need to work through trauma that they experienced as a child as well as trauma that they experienced in another life.
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When someone gets out of bed in the morning, their mind can end up being consumed by a dream that they had whilst they were asleep. There is also the chance that they woke up in the middle of the night due to a dream that they were having.
One could think about what took place and then, before too much time has passed, they may forget all about what took place while they were asleep. If this doesn’t happen, one could spend a few hours going over what took place. A Big Impact If they do think about a dream for a little while after, it will probably show that it was an emotionally charged dream. They may have experienced a lot of fear or perhaps they were overwhelmed with guilt. However, one may find that based on what was going on in their dream, it was perfectly normal for them to feel the way they did. This may have been a dream where they were being chased or had done something wrong, for instance. Just a Story As they continue to settle down and the day passes, they may come to the conclusion that what they experienced was just an illusion, meaning it had no basis in reality. One will then be able to focus on what is taking place in the real world. But while they may be able to forget about it, it doesn’t mean that they won’t have the same experience next time they are asleep. Once again, one could say dismiss what has happened and carry on with their day, yet this might not be in their best interest. Symbolic, Not Literal Instead of believing that the feelings that they had during a dream were merely a reflection of what was going on and what was going on was just an illusion that their mind created, they could take a deeper look into what happened. This would give them the chance to develop self-knowledge. What they could do is ask themselves if there is anything going on in their waking life that is weighing them down? It might take a little while for them to see a connection, though. Pushed Out of The Way If they were to go deeper into themselves, they may find that how they felt in their dream is a reflection of how they feel in the real world. Yet, as they had pushed their feelings out of their conscious awareness, it wasn’t possible for them to see the connection. In other words, their unconscious mind will be talking to them via their dreams. The information that is being stored in this part of their being won’t be able to get through to them directly, so it will try to get through to them indirectly. Final Thoughts This is not to say that this is what dreams are always about as one can also have dreams that are prophetic. Either way, what this illustrates is that someone can learn a lot from their dreams. If they cast them aside and believe that they have no value, they will be depriving themselves of something that could greatly enhance their life. There are plenty of books available that go deeper into this topic.
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Although there can be moments in just about everyone’s life when they act as though another person is an extension of themselves, there are some people that act in this way practically all of the time. This could be seen as the difference between not having a disorder and having one.
The reason for this is that it is usually when someone displays a certain trait, or a number of traits, on a consistent basis that they will be labelled as having something wrong with them. So if someone does have moments when they are unable to see that another person is separate from them, it could mean that they will sometimes tell other people what to do with their life. A Short Experience When this takes place, another person could go along with what they say or they could end up pushing back. If this person doesn’t stand their ground, one might not realise that they are doing anything wrong. Perhaps the other person has a weak sense of self, which stops them from being aware of when they are being walked over. If, on the other hand, this person does stand their ground, one might soon realise that they are doing something wrong and they could even apologise. The Exception With someone like this, then, it will only be something that happens from time to time. There is then going to be no reason for this person to be labelled as having some kind of personality disorder. Still, this doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t end up being labelled as having one by someone else. After watching how they have behaved, another person could conclude that this is how they always behave. Faulty Thinking This may show that this person has the tendency to see things as being either black or white, or this could be something that happens from time to time. Just as in the example above, just about everyone sees things as being black and white at times, but it is when someone has the inclination to see life in this way that they may be labelled as having a disorder. If someone’s behaviours were viewed in isolation and they were then labelled after everything they did, they would most likely end up being diagnosed as having an endless list of disorders. The antidote to this would be to not pay too much attention to how someone has behaved in one moment and to pay attention to how they behave over a certain period of time, as this will enable them to come to a more accurate conclusion. A Way of Life However, if someone doesn’t see other people as an extension of themselves from time to time, it might be appropriate to say that they have a disorder. It can be more or less impossible for someone like this to realise that other people are separate beings. Ergo, other people are generally not going to be seen as having their own needs, feelings and preferences, for instance. They will just be seen as objects that exist to fulfil ones needs. A Challenging Time If someone like this does have people in their life, these people might be used to being walked over on a regular basis. What is clear is that these people are unlikely to feel seen and heard. It could be normal for someone like this to feel angry, frustrated, powerless and invisible after they have been in ones company. They could find it hard to comprehend why one behaves in this way. The Only Option There is the chance that this person has been this way for a very long time. It might then be a good idea for another person to limit the amount of time that they spend with them or to cut their ties with them. This can be hard to do if someone feels comfortable being around them. If this is so, it could be a sign that they were also brought up by a least one person who saw them as an extension of themselves. A Closer Look If this person has been this way for a very long time, there is the chance that they didn’t receive the care that they needed during their early years in order to develop in the right way. What this comes down to is that a baby sees everyone and everything as an extension of itself – it is unable to see itself as a separate being. Yet, providing the baby receives the right care and continues to do so when it grows into a child, it will gradually develop a sense of self. If this doesn’t happen, the baby will grow into a child and then it will grow from a child into an adult, but it will be developmentally stunted. Even Closer Not only will this person be extremely undeveloped, they are also likely to carry a hell of a lot of pain in their body. Not having their needs met throughout their early years would have caused them to suffer immensely. This was probably a time when they experienced a lot of shame and felt totally powerless and helpless. Someone like this can then come across as some kind of monster, but deep inside them is likely to be a wounded child. Awareness If someone can relate to this, and they are willing to do something about their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group, for instance. As there is a lot of emotional pain inside them, it is not going to be possible for them to work through it all in one go. This will be a gradual process; if it is rushed, the pain inside them could overwhelm them. Having said that, there is the chance that a number of defences will need to be removed before one can even get in touch with how they feel. These defences will have stopped the emotional pain that is inside them from wiping them out.
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It could be said that there will be how one will behave when they are in touch with their true-self and then there will be how they will behave when they are not. When it comes to the former, one will be aware of their needs and feelings.
These elements will have a big effect on what they do and don’t do. What this will show is that not only do they have a good connection with their inner world; they also feel comfortable expressing who they are. The Only Option Thanks to the connection that they have with themselves, simply going along with what other people are doing is not going to interest them. If they were to do this, they would know that they would be neglecting themselves. Behaving in this way might allow them to gain approval but it won’t allow them to live a fulfilling life. If one behaved in this manner in the past, they will have a clear idea about how painful it is to ignore themselves. It’s Normal In the past, then, expressing who they were would have been a big challenge. What would have felt comfortable was doing what other people wanted, and this may have been something that just happened. For one reason or another, one would have got to the point where they could no longer behave in this way. If they were to look back on this stage of their life, it might be hard for them to relate to how they were. Another Experience When it comes to the latter, one is rarely, if ever, going to be in touch with their needs and feelings. Instead, they will spend most of their time being tuned into the needs and feelings of others. Doing what these people want, or what they think they want, will be their main priority. Behaving in this way may allow them to receive a fair amount of approval, but what it won’t do is take their pain away. Covered Up The pain in question will relate to the pain that they experience by not listening to themselves. Regardless of whether they are aware of the fact that they are going against themselves or not, they will still pay a price. So to keep this pain at bay, they will need to do what they can to receive positive feedback from others. It then won’t matter if they ever do any acting, as their whole life will be an act. Slightly Different At the same time, one could be in a position where they do have moments when they are aware of their needs and feelings. In fact, one may generally know what is taking place within them. Unlike the person above, their attention won’t be fully on what is taking place externally. However, even though they will be aware of what is going on within them and what is going on without, what is going on without will still define how they behave. Moving Forward The person above will need to get in touch with how they feel and then to express who they are, while this person will just need to express who they are. If one is in tune with what is going on within them, it could be said that they will simple need to change their behaviour. It is then a case of facing their fear and doing it anyway. In the short-term this will be painful but, in the long-term, it will allow them to transform their life and to live a life that is worth living. Far More Complex One could find that it is not possible for them to simply change their behaviour as they end up being overwhelmed at the mere thought of expressing who they are. Once they have come into contact with this pain, they could feel a strong need to carry on as normal. It might be hard for them to understand why this takes place, especially as this should be what feels normal. Nonetheless, if they were to look back on their life, they may find out why their life is this way. Back In Time Their early years may have been a time when they were neglected, which would have stopped them from receiving the care that they needed to be able to develop in the right way. Throughout their early years, they may have felt as though their life was going to end on a regular basis. The reason for this is that when they were left at this stage, they would have felt as though they were going to die. This would have been due to the fact that they wouldn’t have had the ability to sooth themselves and this was why their emotions would have overwhelmed them. A Strong Fear As an adult one will have a fear of being abandoned, yet what they fear will have already taken place. With this in mind, it is not that they fear being abandoned; it is that they fear coming into contact with the trauma that they experienced all those years ago. The years will have passed since that time in their life, but what they experienced will have stayed in their body. And as the pain within them is going to be extremely strong, it is not much of a surprise that it is controlling their life. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they will most likely need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. By having external support, they will be able to work through the pain that is trapped in their body. This is not something that will happen overnight, of course, but it will happen as long as they keep going.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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