It might seem as strange as to why I used the title above as it is not as though anyone would consciously look for a way to become highly stressed. Even so, this doesn’t mean this won’t take place unconsciously.
Without realising it, someone can do just about everything that they can to experience a lot of stress. Consciously, they can make out that they want to experience too much stress but, unconsciously, they will have another need. Let’s Start Off One thing that someone can do is to go to bed very late and wake up fairly early, which will prevent them from getting the rest that they need to embrace the next day. They are then going to be tired and their mind won’t be as sharp as it could be. Being in this state is then likely to make just about everything else harder than it needs to be. And instead of exercising, with this being something that would give them the strength and the energy that they need to live more fully, they might not have the energy to do so. Plugged in To make things even worse, they could spend a lot of their time checking up on what is taking place in the world. Not only will they hear about the bad things that are around them they will also hear about the bad things that are taking place on the other side of the planet. While it is debatable as to whether the mainstream media is there to actually inform, what is not debatable is that being exposed to so much negativity is not going to do them any good. One will be aware of so much chaos and injustice, yet they won’t be able to do a lot about what is taking place. Two Parts By being exposed to all this negativity - and let’s face it, most of the ‘news’ provided by this source is negative and designed to control how people perceive the world, but that’s for another article - ones stress levels can go through the roof. Like a drip feed, ones being will constantly be fed stories that will help to keep them in a stressful place. And to top it off, being aware of so many things that are not going right and being unable to do anything about any of them, or very few of them, is not exactly going to help either. What this information could then do is to cause them to feel depressed and as though they have no control. It’s Neutral What will allow one to stay up to date with what is supposedly going on around them is their Smartphone. This device can allow them to find out things and to stay in contact with people, amongst other things. But while there are numerous benefits to having one of these devices, it is also something that can make ones life harder if they don’t use it in the right way. Being constantly plugged into all the negativity is one thing that can stress them out; another thing is spending an endless amount of time on social media. A Big Trap One thing that one could find is that they have the tendency to compare their life with the lives of their ‘friends’. There is then going to be no need for them to leave their house and to be around others, as they will be able to compare themselves with the people that they see on a screen. Their stress level can then be amped up by thinking that these people look better than they do, are happier and live a more fulfilling live. The irony here is that a number of these people could see one in the same way. Disconnected Yet even if they don’t, the life that these people present online might have very little to do with the life that they actually lead. Spending so much time glued to a screen can also mean that they will spend very little time in their body and around real people. Living in this part of their being is going to make it hard for them to feel calm and to experience inner peace. Spending time in nature and walking barefoot on the earth can pull them back into their body and settle them down, yet this could be the last thing that is on their mind. Other Things To top this all off, one might not pay much attention to what they eat and drink. When it comes to what they drink, they may have a lot of coffee that is loaded with caffeine and consume a lot of liquid that is loaded with sugar and artificial sweeteners. As for the food that they eat, it might lack the essential nutrients that their brain and body needs to function at its best. This will make them even more vulnerable to getting stressed and they can lack the strength to pull themselves out what is harming them. Final Thoughts In order for something to change, one will need to take a step back and to see that it is not serving them. If this doesn’t take place and one is not aware of something, it won’t be possible for them to do anything about it. What this illustrates is how important it is be able to detach and to reflect; without this ability, it will be as if one is trapped in a box that they don’t even know they are in. One thing that they can do to develop this ability is to meditate.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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People Pleasing: Can Someone Have The Need To Please Others If They Don't Feel Safe In Their Body?13/9/2019
What someone may find is that they have a strong need to please others, making it hard for them to live their own life. Or to be more accurate – this can stop them from being able to live their own life.
So by having the need to do what other people want as opposed to what they themselves want, their life is not going to be very fulfilling. And the only way that this is going to change is if they change their behaviour. The Challenge However, although living in this way is not going to allow them to lead a fulfilling life, it can be what feels the most comfortable. Therefore, part of them is going to want to experience life differently but another part of them won’t want their life to change. It might be hard for them to understand why part of them would be comfortable with experiencing life in this way, especially as it is causing them to suffer. Furthermore, it might be hard for them to understand how they can have more than one self. Confusion For so long, they may have believed that there was just one part of them; in the same way that they only have one physical self. What will have become clear is that even though they will look like one person from the inside, there will have many different parts inside them. This is not to say that they have ‘multiple personality disorder’ as this is something that is very different. Ultimately, there is a strong chance that just about everyone on this planet has many different selves inside them, meaning that it is just part of the human experience. Another Route Taking this into account, simply changing their behaviour is not necessarily going to be the answer. It would make more sense for them to get in touch with the self that is causing them problems and to see what is going on. Once this part of them changes, it will be possible for them to pay attention to their own needs and to do what they can to fulfil them. This is not to say that this is something that will happen overnight, though. Being Realistic Yet, if someone has done just about everything that they can to please others, and this has been going on for as long as they can remember, this is to be expected. One way of looking at it would be to say that their true-self will have been in hiding for all of this time and it will take a while for it to appear. One won’t be coming out in the same way that someone who is gay will be coming out, but it can still be an incredibly tough process. With this in mind, one will need to be patient and persistent. Point of Focus When one has identified with the part of themselves that has the need to please others, they will most likely lose touch with their inner world. One will then be aware of what other people want, along with what they think they want, but they won’t be aware of what they themselves want. This is what will feel comfortable when they are around others, but when they are by themselves, they are likely to feel confused and to be frustrated and angry about what is taking place. What this is likely to illustrate is that even though this part is just one part of them, it is an incredibly powerful part. Mind and Body Not only will this part take over their mind, it will also take over their body. This part is then going to define the thoughts that they have, how they feel, and how their physical body responds. Trying to change this part is going to create resistance and this is not going to help – as the saying goes, ‘what is resisted is what will persist.’ Another approach would be for one to detach from this part of them and to ask themselves if this part of them relates to a certain stage of their life. Regression By doing this, what they may find is that this part of them relates to how they felt during their younger years, with this being a time when it wasn’t safe for them to listen to themselves. Perhaps their early years were a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. Focusing on their caregivers needs and overlooking their own needs would then have been a matter of survival. Doing this wouldn’t have stopped them from being harmed but it may have minimized the amount of harm that they did experience. On The Surface Through living in a dangerous environment, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to be in their body and to relax; they would have had to be on alert. Living in their head and being hyper aware of the needs of their caregivers would then have been something that just happened. The years will have passed but the trauma that they experienced during this time will still be inside them. There will be a self that is not in a good way – there could be many selves that are not in a good way actually – and their whole being will be in a traumatised state. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When someone is in touch with their body, they will be aware of how they feel and what their needs are. Through having this connection, they will be able to make use of the information that is inside them.
So, if they feel tired or as though they are not at their best, they will be able to take a step back and to take it easy. If this is not something that they can do straight away, due to being at work, for instance, they might be able to do this once they have finished. A Few More Examples One could feel upset about something and need to be supported, causing them to reach out to a friend or a family member. Talking about what is going on for them can make it easier for them to handle what they are going through. Then again, one could be angry about something that has happened and end up using this information to make a change in their life. If they are angry because they haven’t been treated well, speaking out about his can allow them to assert their boundaries and to make it clear that what took place is not acceptable. The Key Component However, for one to not only listen to what is taking place inside them but to actually make use of this information, they will need to feel safe enough to do so. Yet, if someone has pretty much always felt safe in their body, there will be no reason for them to realise this. Due to how they have experienced life for most, if not all, of their life, this can just be what is normal. This means that they will have an inner sense of safety and security, which is why they can inhabit their body. Pushed Out If someone like this was to watch a scary film or heard footsteps behind them at night, they may find that they leave their body. The discomforted that they experienced would have pushed them into their head. This would have made them more alert and prepared them to either fight, run away or to freeze. When this takes place, their attention will be on what is going on out there; with what is taking place inside them being overlooked. A Time and A Place Nonetheless, if one didn’t have this ability, they would be like a sitting duck. Their ability to defend themselves against external threats would be nonexistent, and this would naturally make them an easy target. Fortunately, this is not going to be how one usually experiences life and this will allow them to operate as a whole human being. If they were to think about what it is like when they are in their head and what it is like when they are in their body, they are likely to notice that it is very different. Another Experience For others, being in their body will be something that they rarely, if ever, experience. For someone like this, they are going to spend a lot of time in their head or even disconnected from this part of them. They won’t need to watch a scary film or to be walking around at night and hear footsteps, as they will be on edge anyway. Or if they don’t feel on edge, they will be acting as though it is not safe for them to be in their body and to relax. One Focus As a result of this, ignoring most of their needs and being out of touch with their feelings is likely to be the norm, and this will happen without them even realising it. They are going to be so caught up in what is going on around them that what is going on inside them will largely be overlooked. Another outcome of this is that one is likely to spend a lot of time running on adrenaline, and this is not going to be good for their health. Clearly, one will need to get back into their body and to be less concerned with what is going on around them. Two Parts This is what will allow them to actually live and to operate as a whole human being, as opposed to merely existing and being stuck in survival mode. But, while this can appear to be the right thing for them to do, it doesn’t mean that they will simply be able to get back in their body. And even if they can get back in there, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to stay there for very long. Not only can what is going on around them be an issue, what is going on inside them can also be an issue. The Main Part If they were able to take a step back from what is going on, they may find that the main reason why they can’t relax is due to what is taking place inside them. What is taking place inside them is also going to be projected externally, thereby causing them be frightened by their own inner world. It might seem strange as to why they wouldn’t feel safe in their body, but this is likely to show that they have experienced trauma. This could be something that they have experienced during their adult life or it could go back to what took place during their early years. Back In Time If it goes back to their early years, it could illustrate that this was a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. Their whole being would have been overwhelmed, pushing them out of their body in the process. Being in their body would have been too painful and they would have had the need to be on alert to try to stop themselves from being harmed. Thus, instead of their body being somewhere where they felt safe and secure; it would have been somewhere that felt unsafe and caused them to experience a lot of pain. Awareness The years would have passed but the trauma that they experienced all those years ago will have stayed inside them. And unless this trauma is dealt with, it is going to be more or less impossible for them to not just get back into their body but to stay there. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Towards the end of last year, I looked through a booked called ‘The Art Of Peace’ by Philip Dunn. This book was full of great advice, and there were two things that I ended up noting down.
The first thing I made a note of was what he said in regards to the education system. He said that, ‘we are not taught to concentrate on our inner wealth of knowledge – on how our emotions work, how our instinct works, how our soul functions’. An Important Point In general, the education system is not interested in bringing out what is already inside someone; they are only interested in making them memorise different things. It is as though human beings are blank slates that need to be taught absolutely everything. And as they have no wisdom or guidance inside them, they will need to be ‘educated’ by others. As a result of this, someone can end up being totally out of touch with themselves by the time that they are a teenager, let alone an adult. A Big Challenge If the education system did educate people on how their emotions worked, for instance, there is a strong chance that the world would be very different. For example, it has become clear that so many people are suffering because they don’t know how to handle their emotions. For people like this, they most likely didn’t get the type of care that they needed during their early years to develop a healthy relationship with their emotions and their time in the education system wouldn’t have helped them either. It is then going to be perfectly normal for them to struggle with their emotions as an adult and to even be hooked on different things to manage how they feel. Not a Shock Therefore, while it is not good that so many people are suffering, it is not exactly a surprise. There are, of course, many other reasons as to why so many people are not in a good way. Not only can childhood trauma be the reason why someone is unable to handle their emotions as an adult, trauma in general could be put forward as the main reason why there is so much suffering on this planet. Humanity has been through a lot and, even if someone hasn’t experienced much trauma in their own life, it doesn’t mean that trauma from their ancestors hasn’t been passed down to them. The Other Thing What also caught my eye in this book was, ‘worry is a misuse of imagination brought about by our addiction to fear’. Hearing this made me think about how powerful our imagination is and how it can be used to imagine good or bad things. However, even though our mind can come up with all kinds of negative scenarios, it can seem as though these scenarios are real. We can then fuel what is going on in our head with emotion, thereby increasing the likelihood of what we imagine actually becoming a reality A Closer Look When it comes to worry, it would be easy to say that someone just needs to detach from their mind when this happens and to imagine something else. This can certainly work but it might not always be the best approach to take. The reason for this is that if someone finds that they have the tendency to worry about things, it could show that they are carrying trauma. Consciously, they might not remember what took place but, unconsciously, they will remember what took place. For Example Let’s say that someone constantly worries about losing their job, even though there is no reason for them to be this way. They could be extremely competent at what they do and greatly appreciated too. Now, the concern that they have about losing their job could be seen as being irrational; however, if they were to go deeper, they may find that they have a fear of being abandoned. They may also find that they believe that they are worthless, which is why they believe that they would be left. Early Neglect During the beginning of their life, they may have been brought up by caregivers that were unable to truly be there for them. This would then have been a time when they were abandoned and they would have taken it personally. The years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten all about what happened, but their unconscious mind will remember what took place. This part of them will be living in the past and, as this pain will have been pushed out of their awareness and is unable to get through to them directly, it will be normal for them to only be aware of a general sense of angst. Final Thoughts The key will be for them to go under this surface level experience (the effect) and to acknowledge what is taking place below (the cause). If this doesn’t happen, they will most likely continue to use their imagination badly. Ultimately, what they fear will happen, will have already happened. Yet, until they resolve their inner wounds, the part of their being that is concerned with their survival will continue to be overactive. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Lastly, the mind is incredibly powerful and what is clear is that if one doesn’t run their mind, their mind will run them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Success: Do Some Peoples Childhoods Set Them Up To Associate Being Uncomfortable With Death?8/9/2019
What one may find, if they are into self-development, is that they have been told on a number of occasions how important it is to get out of their comfort zone. Still, even if this is not something that they are into, they may have still heard it.
Perhaps they have heard that their comfort zone is their prison, or that success will happen when they leave their comfort zone, or that their comfort zone will kill them. There are many more but the meaning is the same – one won’t be able to grow and expand unless they are willing to get uncomfortable. Part of Life Whenever they have hard one of these sayings, it might not have had much of an effect on them. The reason for this is that one could see this is something that is pretty obvious, as opposed to something that is a big revelation. They could look back on their life and see how they have only been able to get to where they are by getting uncomfortable. There will most likely have been times when they were slightly uncomfortable and times when they were extremely uncomfortable. A Balanced Outlook What is clear, then, is that getting uncomfortable is not going to be seen as something negative. They might believe that no matter what takes place, they will be able to handle it. Experiencing anxiety and even fear when they do something new or different is not going to be seen as a sign that something is wrong; it will be seen as a sign that they are actually living life. They will also know that what is conformable at one point in time will most likely feel comfortable at another. Surrendering Therefore, instead of trying to stop themselves from getting uncomfortable when they do something new or different, they will do what they can to simply embrace whatever happens. Through being able to do this, it will be a lot easier for them to move through this phase. What will also help them to move through this phase is that their primary goal will be to grow and develop. Focusing on this and not on how they will feel, can stop the discomfort from being blown out of proportion. External Support And if there is something that seems a bit daunting, they may end up reaching out to their friends or family, for instance. Talking to someone else about what is going on for them can allow them to see the bigger picture and to take the next step. If they were to keep something like this to themselves, it could end up growing even bigger in their mind. This would make it even harder for them to get uncomfortable and to move forward in an area of their life/their whole life. A Different Story However, while experiencing life in this way may be the norm now, there could have been a time when this wasn’t the case. A number of years ago, they may have done just about everything that they could to stay in their comfort zone. They will now feel free and allow themselves to expand, but back then, they would have probably felt trapped and not allowed themselves to grow. One way of looking at this would be to say that they were surviving, not thriving. Another Reality Yet, although this is how this person may have experienced life in the past, there are likely to be plenty of people that still experience life in this way. For someone like this, leaving their comfort zone is going to be seen as too much of a risk. This is going to stop them from being able to grow and expand, but it could be seen as the only choice that they have. One is then not going to be doing what they can to live a fulfilling existence; they will simply be doing what they can to maintain their existence. A Very Different Meaning If one was to take a step back and to reflect on why it is so hard for them to get out of their comfort zone, they may find that getting uncomfortable is seen as something that would cause them to die. One way of looking at this would be to say that this is totally irrational, and that one just needs to ‘face their fear and do it anyway’. Another way of looking at this would be to say that one is carrying a lot of trauma, which is why they do just about everything to avoid getting uncomfortable. If they were to get uncomfortable the trauma that is held inside them would be triggered, causing them to be overwhelmed in the process. Back In Time What this is likely to illustrate is that there was a time in their life when it did feel as though their life was going to end. One may have been brought up by caregivers that were physically abusive, for instance. Not only would what took place have traumatised them, it would have also caused part of their being to associate getting uncomfortable with death. Thus, not getting uncomfortable will be a way for them to try to stop themselves from coming into contact with this trauma and feeling as though they are going to die. Awareness If one no longer wants their life to be defined by what took place during their early years and wants to thrive, not just survive, they will need to resolve the trauma that is being held inside them. What they may find is that as this takes place, it is a lot easier for them to leave their comfort zone. One will then be able to get out of survival mode and to operate as a whole human being. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In order for a house or a tall building to stay in place, it will need to have firm foundations. Through having firm foundations, the support that the structure needs to exist will be provided.
Not only will the building stay in place, but the people that go into the building will also feel safe. So no matter what part of the building that they go into, there will be no need for them to worry about their safety. The Connection Like a building, a human being will also need to have firm foundations. And, while having a strong body is part of this, what is also part of this is having a strong inner core. When it comes to a strong inner core, this will relate to having a strong mental and emotional self. Feeling strong on the inside is what will not only give them the strength to get out of bed each day; it will also give them the strength to fulfil their ‘higher’ needs. The Other Element Additionally, this will allow one to feel safe in their own body. The sense of safety that they have is then going to be what will enable them to express who they are. If this wasn’t in place, they would probably find that it is not possible for them to behave how they want to behave. However, if one has always felt safe in their own body, this might not have even occurred to them. A One-Off If someone who typically feels safe in their body does know what it is like to feel unsafe, it could be because they have had a car accident, for instance. Due to what they went through, they will have felt unsafe. Fortunately, this won’t have been an inner experience that lasted for very long, with them gradually feeling at ease in their own body. Still, when they didn’t feel at ease in their own body, they would have most likely projected their inner unease onto the external world. The Mirror During this time, what was taking place inside them would have effected how they perceived the external world. It might not have mattered if they were in a harmonious environment as what was taking place inside them would have affected their experience. Yet, as the days and weeks went by, and their inner world settled down, their view of the external world would have changed. They will then have realised how much of an effect their inner world has on how they experience the external world. A Different Reality Nonetheless, although there will be people that feel safe in their body, with some of them having the odd moment when they don’t; there will be others that rarely, if ever, feel safe in their body. Thanks to this, it is going to be a real challenge for them to be able to express who they are. As the sense of safety and security that they need to be able express who they are won’t be in place, it might not matter how strong their physical body is. Consequently, it can be normal for them to do what they can to please other people. Out of Balance Their ‘higher’ needs are then going to be typically overlooked, with their main priority being to do what they can to survive. And even if they are in touch with their other needs, it is not going to make any difference. So the needs that they have that will allow them to lead a fulfilling existence, such as the needs that relate to their purpose, will be cast aside. The fact that they can be happy and even experience joy might not even enter their mind. Hiding When one is around others, then, it is not going to be possible for them to fully show up. Out of their need to please others they will have to hide who they are, which will mean that their true-self will rarely see the light of day. Ultimately, it will be seen as too much of a risk for them to reveal who they are. If they are not hiding around others, they could be hiding from others, with this being a way for them to try to feel more at ease. An Illusion The trouble is that although someone may realise that the reason why they don’t feel safe in the world is due to what is taking place inside them, they might not realise this. Instead, someone could believe that what is going on out there is the problem. Therefore, if the people around them were to change or if they were to live somewhere else, their life would be different. But even if this was to take place, they could still find that it is hard for them to feel at ease in their own body. The Signs If one is able to take a step back and to bring their attention away from the external world and into their own body, they may then find that the reason why they find it hard to feel safe in the world is primarily due to what is taking place inside them. They could find that their body often tightens up and that their lower body is often numb/cold. There could be times when it is as though they are walking on their legs, not in them. Furthermore, they may find that they don’t feel safe enough to touch the ground, with them needing stay just above it and to be on alert. What’s going on? When they get to this point, it will be clear that they have been projecting their inner experience onto the outer world. Nevertheless, while their inner experience might not match up with what is taking place externally, there may have been a time when this wasn’t the case. What this may illustrate is that they were brought up in an environment that wasn’t safe. This could have been a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and had to walk on eggshells, and this would have stopped them from being able to develop a sense of safety, security and trust. The Only Option At this stage of their life they would have been totally dependent and powerless, so the only thing that they would have been able to do to handle what was taking place would have been to hide and/or to leave their body. This would have made it more bearable but what it wouldn’t have done is stopped their body from being loaded up with trauma. Many years will have passed since this point in time, but what they went through won’t be in the past. Their nervous system won’t be in a good way and this is to be expected given what they went through. Awareness If someone can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Does Someone Need To Develop An Adult Self In Order To Move On From Child Abuse?6/9/2019
If someone was abused during their early years, they may find that it is not possible for them to put the past behind them. A number of decades may have passed since that time in their life, but it could be as if very little time has passed.
And although their caregivers didn’t treat them well, they may still look towards these people to love them. This is not to say that this will happen directly, as it is likely to be something that takes place indirectly. For Example One can do things for their parents and live their life in a certain way, in the hope that they will finally receive the acceptance, attention, validation and approval that they didn’t receive as a child. It wouldn’t have been possible for these people to love them at this stage of their life, but this won’t stop one from trying to get these people to love them now that they are an adult. One can believe that it is different now and that, if they try hard enough, they will receive the love that they need from them. However, although they may have this belief, it is highly unlikely that this will actually happen. Stepping Back If one was able to take a step back and to reflect on their behaviour, what they may find is that they are not in control of their behaviour. Instead, another part of them has taken over, causing them to suffer unnecessarily. What they may have found is that the child part inside them is what wants their caregivers to love them. The years will have passed since that stage of their life, that much is clear, but what won’t have been clear until this point is that the child they once were now lives inside them. Inner Conflict To the child part inside them, or the child parts as there are likely to be more than one, getting their caregivers love will be a matter of life and death. One would have needed this love when they were a child, and this part of them will still need it even though they now live in the body of an adult. In other words, one will no longer look like a child but they will still feel like a child. In reality, one doesn’t need their caregivers to love them, and this is a good thing as it is highly unlikely that this will ever happen. Waking Up So when one has the need to receive something from their caregivers, it is going to show that they have merged with their inner child or child part of themselves. When this happens, they will be replying a pattern that they have probably played out hundreds of times before. This will be pattern where one looks to their caregivers to give them what they are unable to give them. There is a strong chance that one has also looked towards other adults to give them what they are unable to give them, too. Repetition Compulsion On one side, the child self inside them will want to receive what it was unable to receive and, on the other, it will fear receiving it. The reason for this is that even though what took place would have been painful, it would have become what was familiar. And to the part of their being that is there to keep them alive, what is familiar is seen as what is safe. This is then why this child part of them will continually do the same thing over and over again, even though it doesn’t work. The Observer Self When one is able to step back, then, they will be able to see why they have behaved in this way for so long. Nonetheless, it can take a while for them to get to this point and even longer for them to be able to maintain this inner point of view. In the same way that an outer skill needs to be developed and takes time to be developed, the ability to step back and to observe this child self is also something that has to be developed and takes time to be developed. Meditating and working through the pain that this child self is in will help with this. Extreme Pain What these two things will also do is allow them to develop their adult self - the self that can be there for their child self. Their adult self doesn’t need anything from their caregivers and it can re-parent their child self. When they start to work through this pain, it can be even worse than the pain that they usually experience by not getting their unmet childhood needs met. What his comes down to is that even though the child part of them will suffer when this happens, it can still cling to the hope that it will be different next time, thereby preventing this part of them from having to face up to the truth. Protection If this part of them was to face up to the fact that their needs can’t be met by their caregivers (or anyone else for that matter), it would cause it to come into contact with a lot of deep pain. This will relate to the pain that it had to disconnect from whenever its needs were not met throughout its childhood years. Repeating the same pattern over and over again is then not just going to be what is familiar, it will also be what allows this part of them to avoid a lot of pain. Doing something that doesn’t work is going to be a way to stop this part of them, and their whole being, from being overwhelmed by pain. Awareness This is why external support is important, as with the assistance of a therapist or a healer, one will be able to work through what they wouldn’t be able to work through by themselves. By working through the layers of pain inside them, their adult self will grow stronger, giving them the ability to be there for this part of them. If this adult self is not developed and they continue to look towards their caregivers, along with other people, to give them what they can’t give them, they will stay in an invisible prison. For them to liberate themselves, and to actually move on, it will be essential for them to grieve their unmet child needs as this will be a big part of what will allow them to heal their child self/selves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
A little while ago, when I was online, I read something that really stood out. The general gist was that due to how busy people are in today’s world, they haven’t got the time to have years of therapy.
As a result of this, they need to be able to transform their life in a much shorter period of time. It didn’t stop there, though, as the person who was saying this also made out that they could make this happen. It Makes Sense One way to look at this would be to say that as people are busier than ever before, they do need something that will transform their life in a shorter period of time. By being able to sort themselves out in a shorter period of time, they will be able to find time and the rest of their life won’t be disrupted. So if this person can make this into a reality, it would be a good idea to work with them. The downside, of course, is that if someone can actually make this into a reality, they will probably charge and arm and a leg, thereby making it difficult for the average person to be able to afford what they offer. Another Factor What can also make what has been said above sound appealing is the need for instant gratification. Not only are so many people busy, but we also live in a society that conditions people to want everything straight away. This has made a lot of people believe that just about everything should happen overnight. Thus, if so many things can happen without too much time having to pass, why should personal transformation be any different? Stepping Back Clearly, not all therapies or therapists are the same, and this is can be seen as the reason why some people need assistance for months and others for years. Working with the ‘right person’ who has the right tool/s’ is then going to be the answer if someone wants to make rapid progress. However, even though not all therapies or therapists are the same, I think it would be incredibly naive to make out that any issue can be resolved in a few sessions or months. What needs to be acknowledged is that there can be a number of reasons as to why someone would want assistance. Going Deeper For example, if someone is low on confidence and wants to feel better about themselves, their life could change in a very short period of time. Still, this could be a fairly surface level shift, with what is taking place at a deeper level being overlooked. On the other hand, if someone was abused as a child and is completely loaded up with trauma, it is unlikely that their life will fundamentally change in a few months, let alone a few sessions. For someone like this, it won’t be just a case of changing what is taking place in their mind (the software); their whole being (the hardware) will be in a need of repair. A Slow Process This will be very similar to a car that has a few scratches and a car that has been in a serious accident. It won’t matter if someone like this ‘has time to have years of therapy’, as they probably won’t be able to function without it anyway. For them, it can be a time when they will be working through their pain and developing a sense of self, amongst other things. During this time there will be many defences that will also need to be worked through, and this will take time. Final Thoughts If someone is in a bad way and is desperate, it can be a lot harder for them to be discerning. Out of their desperation, they can end up spending a lot of money and only getting so far. Ultimately, healing takes time and ones being is going to allow them to move forward at a rate that suits their own evolution, not at a rate that suits their ego. If this means having years of therapy, it will serve them in the long-run.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was abused by one or both of their caregivers during their early years, it can be hard for them to understand why this was. One question that can enter their mind is: why would the people who were supposed to love and care for me treat me so badly?
This can be a question that they can end up thinking about for many, many years, with it being something that will completely consuming their mind. It might not end there, though, as there could be another question that will take a lot of their attention. A Strange Scenario By looking into this area and having conversations with their caregivers, they may have also come to see that their caregivers early years were very similar to their early years. Therefore, not only have these people been the perpetrators of child abuse; they have also been the victims of child abuse. One can then struggle to comprehend how someone who has been abused as a child can end up doing the same thing to their child. It can be as if what they went through had absolutely no impact on them. An Odd Scenario So instead of what they went through giving them a clear idea of how painful it is to be treated this way and putting an end to this type of behaviour, they end up doing the same thing to the next generation. It can seem as though someone like this has no awareness and is simply a programmed machine. Undoubtedly, if they did have awareness they would have realised that what they were doing was wrong and done something about their behaviour. This would have stopped them from make their child’s life a living hell. What Is Going On? However, although it might be easy to assume that what happened to them didn’t have much of an impact, this is not the truth. It will be more accurate to say that what happened did have a massive impact on them; the trouble is that they didn’t deal with what happened to them. In other words, their caregivers went through hell during their early years but didn’t heal any of the damage that was done. Or if they did heal any of it, it would have only been the tip of the iceberg. Locked Away To handle what took place, their caregivers would have most likely disconnected from how they felt – this would have been a way for them to survive. Facing how they felt during this time would have been too painful for them and, if they were to express how they felt, they may have been treated even worse. The years would then have passed but the pain that they experienced during their early years will have stayed in their body. Even so, this pain will have been looking for a way to be released. Another Element When they got to the stage when they were no longer a child, they will have still had the need to keep their true feelings at bay and they may have had the need to protect their caregivers. Being an adult would have meant that they were stronger, yet they still wouldn’t have felt strong enough to face how they felt. This can be seen as a sign of how much pain they were carrying at this point. If they had the need to protect their caregivers, this may have happened by seeing them as perfect and making out that they were perfect to others, even though they were anything but perfect. Idealisation Through seeing their caregivers in this way, it would have stopped them from having to come to terms with how they actually treated them, thereby allowing them to keep their true feelings at bay. Out of their loyalty to these people, and their fear of losing their approval, they would have also had the need to protect their image. The bond that they had with them, and may still have if they are still alive, will most likely have been a trauma bond - a bond that is based on fear, not love. Deep down, they would have still believed that their survival rests on these people. Desperate to Come out The years would have continued to go by and a time would have come when they had a child of their own, with this being a time when the pain inside them would have expressed itself. Up until this point, this pain may have been directed towards other people in their life. When this happened, a deeply wounded part of them would have done to another what was done to them – or something that was very similar. This would have happened without them being aware of what was going on. Justified And even if they were able to take a step back and to reflect on their own behaviour, they could believe that they behaved in the right way. They could say that their child was behaving badly and needed to be taught a lesson (abuse) or that they needed to be left to realise that their behaviour was bad (neglect), for example. Due to how disconnected they were from themselves, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to see how their adult behaviour went back to what took place to them when they were a child – to see that their child was on the receiving end of what they were unable to express to their caregivers. Unconsciously, they would have seen their child as their caregiver/s (projection) and as this child was not a threat to them there would have been no reason for them to hold back. Awareness Ultimately, their caregivers would have been controlled by the pain that was held in their body/unconscious mind and there may have even been something wrong with their brains. What this emphasises is how important it is for someone to work through their inner wounds if they have been abused as a child. The trouble is, of course, is that someone can end up shutting down and be oblivious to the fact that they were abused. Thanks to this, there will no reason for them to reach out for external support.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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