There are many things that people want in today’s world, and one of those things is to be happy. But although this is what people want, it is not always that they receive. Someone can feel as though it is impossible for them to fulfil this need and that they would have more chance finding the end of a rainbow.

However, when one is happy, it doesn’t mean that they are doing something that fulfils them. It could simply mean that they are drinking alcohol, or that they have taken drugs.  One then feels happy due to what they have consumed, and when this experience comes to an end, they could soon feel unhappy.

This would be a sign that their life is not fulfilling and that one feels completely disconnected from what matters. One could feel as though life has no meaning and that they need to take things in order to feel happy.

Meaning

There are then going to be other people who are happy and this will be because of the kind of life they are living. This doesn’t mean that they constantly feel happy and always have a smile on their face, it means that they are connected to what matters.

Through being connected, one is then able to live a life based on what matters to them. Their life is then a reflection of their needs, and as one is living their ‘truth’, it is possible for them to feel happy.

Out of Touch

Yet, if one was not in touch with their needs, their life would be completely different. They could end up believing that life has no meaning and the only way for them to feel happy is to find things that will stimulate their senses.

When they see other people who are happy, they could come to believe that they have something that they don’t. One could end up feeling like a victim or that they are unlucky. And if one has never been in touch with their needs, this could be seen as normal response.

Looking Outside

When one is in touch with their needs and what is taking place externally reflects their needs, they are going to feel happy.  This means that one is not simply looking for the outside world to make them feel happy; they are playing their part through being in touch with their inner world.

If one wasn’t aware of what was going on within them, they are then likely to look outside for meaning and fulfilment. But unless one is aware of what will make them happy, it might not matter where they or what they do.

Distractions

One thing the Media likes to do is to make people believe they will be happy if they buy a certain product. And while this product may make one feel happy for a short time, it will soon wear off.

Although another person can ask questions and be an example, it is not possible for them to know what one’s needs are. The only person who can find this out is oneself.

Disconnected

So if one is disconnected from themselves, it is only natural for them to look outside for answers. It could be that they have never been around anyone who has encouraged them to look within.

One could come across someone who is happy and believe that if they did the same thing, they would also be happy. But just because someone else is happy doing something, it doesn’t mean that one will be happy doing the same thing.

Social Conditioning

People are conditioned to want certain things and while this is good for the economy (and the people who are creating the products); this might be as far as it goes. The underlying message is that if one buys what is being sold, they will end up feeling happy.

However, this conditioning might be nothing more than a continuation of what they experienced whilst they were growing up. And due to what happened during the beginning of their life, it then set them up to fall for the illusions that society creates.

Needs

There are going to be some people who are have always been in touch with their needs and others who have developed this connection later in life. Then there are going to be others who have never been in touch with their needs.

When one is in touch with their needs, it could be due to how they caregivers responded to their needs. If, on the other hand, one is out of touch with their needs, it could mean that one’s caregivers ignored their needs.

The Body

It is also going to be important for one to be in their body, and this will enable them to tune into their needs and feelings. And while one’s needs and feelings could be seen as separate, they are interconnected.

For it is one’s feelings that will let them know if they are doing the right thing and therefore, if their needs are being met. So if one doesn’t know what their needs are, they might have trouble knowing how they feel.

Awareness

This could mean that needs to deal with the emotional pain that is stopping them from being in their body and as this takes place, one will start to connect to their needs. One might also need to take the time to focus on what matters to them and to step back from their conditioned.

The assistance of a therapist or a healer can allow one to release the emotional pain within them and they can also provide attunement that one may need to be able connect to their needs.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

If someone had to choose between feeling happy or feeling unhappy it is clear that in most cases they would choose the first option. When one is happy, not only will their inner world change, it is also going to have an effect on their outer world.

This inner change will cause their behaviour to change and how they perceive the world around them is also going to change. And through feeling different and perceiving the world around them differently, it is going to have an effect on how other people respond to them.

Life in general is going to seem more worthwhile and this could mean that one makes better use of their time.

The Other Experience

Alternatively, if one doesn’t feel happy it is inevitably going to have a different effect on their life. What is going on inside is going to be different and this is going to play a part in how they perceive the outside world.

Their behaviour is going to change and how other people respond to them is also going to change. One might end up wondering what the point of life is and they could waste their time as a result.

Now And Then

So if this is something that happens every now and then, it is probably not going to have too much of a negative impact on someone’s life; being unhappy is part of being human and it is not something that can be avoided.

However, if one constantly feels unhappy, then it is going to have a negative impact on their life. And in certain circumstances it could make one end their life. Being unhappy is something that many people will have become used to and it might seem as though this is simply part of life.

A Way Of Life

If one is used to feeling happy, then it might be easier for them to accept the times when they are not happy. But if one always feels unhappy, it is going to be a lot harder for them to accept how they feel.

One might decide that it is better to not feel at all, than to feel unhappy all the time. But as many people will know who are on antidepressants for instance; through taking away one side of the spectrum you take away the other. Not only does it stop one from feeling unhappy, it also stops them from being able to feel happy.

It is not possible for them to experience a wide range of emotions. They are emotionally cut off and are simply going through the motions of life.

Life Is Short

And as life is short, it is important to get the most out of it. But all the time one feels unhappy, it is going to make it harder for them to enjoy it.  It could feel like a burden and something that they have to endure.

So based on this, it is clear that life is too short to be unhappy. If one feels happy, they are going to get a lot more out of it and they will be less likely to waste their time.

One Outlook

What this shows is that it will be important for one to not let life get to them or to bring them down and to focus on what brings them happiness and joy. And this is good advice; as life is full of distractions and it can be easy to be consumed by them.

Through taking control of what one focuses on, it will enable them to feel better and to stay on track. But just because life is short, it doesn’t mean that one should stop themselves from being unhappy.

Emotional Honesty

At times, life is going to have moments that cause one to feel unhappy and is not something that one should avoid. That doesn’t mean that one becomes stuck there and stays there for the rest of their life, what it means is that one embraces how they feel.

In the beginning, one may try to avoid how they feel, but this will have a negative effect on their life in the long term. When emotional pain is experienced, the mind will do everything it can do stop one from feeling the pain. Defence mechanisms will be used to moderate how one feels.

Denial

This can lead to denial and while one may feel happy on the surface, it doesn’t mean that this is a true reflection of what is taking place at a deeper level. As the saying goes ‘out of site out of mind’, but even though one may be unaware of how they feel it doesn’t mean that these feelings are not influencing their life.

Feeling happy is then another form of avoidance or ‘positive thinking’. Mentally one could be fine, but their emotional health is going to suffer. And as what is going on at an emotional level will effect what is going on at a mental level, it shows how important it is to be in touch with how one feels.

Moving Forward

For example, loss is part of life and when one losses something they are going to experience grief. If one has lost a family member or someone they are close to, they are going to need to face their pain and to work through it.

That fact that life is short is irrelevant; this grieving process is not something that one should avoid. Through facing how one feels, they will gradually move through their pain and as time passes, they will be able to experience happiness once more.

Emotional Health

If one wants to be emotionally healthy, this is the route to take. In the short term it is not necessarily the easiest option, but it has long term benefits. To avoid how one feels might feel better in the short term, but this could cause one to have emotional problems in the future.

Awareness

And if one is finding it difficult to deal with their emotions, then it will be important for them to seek some kind of assistance. This could be from a therapist or some kind of healer. 

While money can give someone the power to buy most things in life, it is often said that what it can buy is happiness. It then won’t matter how much money someone has, as the size of their ‘bank account’ won’t make any difference.

And while being happy is something that most people want to experience, it doesn’t mean that it everyone is going to have the same meaning. But it can include the following: having good relationships with others; being healthy; having a supportive family, feeling emotionally whole and living a meaningful life.

Relationships

Now, if someone doesn’t have relationships with others that fulfilling, it is going to have a negative affect on them.  And this could relate to someone who has plenty of money or to someone who has very little.

Their financial situation is not the same and yet they are in the same position. It could then be said that money has no bearing as to whether one has meaningful relationships with others or not.

What one could do is try to buy other peoples friendship and this is not something one could do if they didn’t have much money. Having friends is then made possible through having money. But these are not going to be authentic relationships; as the other people are only around for the money and not for the person.

Health

It is often said that one’s health is the most important thing they have. And this is because one’s body is the vehicle they travel through life in and when this is not running smoothly, other areas of their life are inevitably going to follow suit.

Having health problems is going to inhibit one’s ability to enjoy life. So while some people won’t have money, at least they have their health. Whereas, although one could money, if they are not in good shape physically it might not matter.

Family

While someone can choose their friends, the same can’t be said for their family. And when one has a family that is supportive and loving, it is going to make their life so much easier than if the opposite was the case.

Some people say that their family are the most important people in their life and nothing else matters. It then doesn’t matter if one has money as long as they have their family. Now, just because one does have money, it doesn’t mean that they have a family or that they get on with their family.

Emotions

When one feels emotionally together it is going to be easier for them to enjoy life. If they don’t feel good on the inside, it might not matter what is going externally or what they attain.

One could travel all over the world and experience everything the planet has to offer, but still feel that something is missing. So just because someone has money, it doesn’t mean that they are going to be able to experience inner peace and contentment.

And this is often seen in the lives of the rich and famous that end up going to a clinic in order to deal with their drug addictions. Money is no object and yet, they are still unable to change how they feel in ways that are healthy.

Purpose

Without one having a sense of purpose and a reason to live, it is going to be hard for them to get out of bed in the morning. And if they do get out of bed, they are unlikely to feel inspired and full of life.

Anyone can have a sense of purpose, regardless of how much money they have; with this being an inner choice and not something that can be given to them by anyone else. Having money could allow one to try different things and to travel the world for instance, but it doesn’t mean that they will feel that their life has any kind of purpose

Money

So while having money won’t necessarily make someone’s life better per se; what it will do is give them more options in life. And as most things on this planet are attained through the exchange of money, it is clear that having it will have numerous advantages.

Not only will one be able to attain things through having money, they will also be able to invest in themselves. It is then not a case of one either being by themselves or buying friends, as they will be able pay for the coaching, therapy or healing that they need in order for them to realise that they can be liked for who they are.

This is just one example, but what it shows is that having money makes it possible for one to receive what they need to receive in order to grow. It is then not just about buying’ things; it is about one receiving what they need to develop themselves.

Awareness

There are then two parts: having money is one part and the other part is awareness. As was mentioned above, there are plenty of people who have money and yet are unable to get the help they need to live a fulfilling life.

Experiencing relationships that are unfulfilling or ending up in a clinic for drug addiction are two examples. If along with the money that one has, they were aware of the help that was available to them, it would allow them to experience more happiness in life.

Discernment

Just because one has money and they are buying what they think will make them happy, it doesn’t mean they will be happy. And this could be because they are looking in the wrong places and to the wrong things.

What might be better is for them to look within and to see what needs their attention within. When this part of them is looked at and understood, it will be a lot easier for one to be happy in life.

So if one uses money to develop their inner world, they are going to increase their chances of experiencing happiness in the outer world.

When other people are unhappy, it can cause someone to feel a sense of concern and to be curious as to why they feel as they do. As a result of this, one can hope that this person begins to feel better and even see what they can do to help them.

This could apply to anyone one meets that appears unhappy, but in most cases, it is going to relate to the people that one knows and is close to. To be this way is part of being human and that means having empathy.

However, not every human as the ability to empathise and this can mean that they might even notice when another person is unhappy. So on one side can be people who are disconnected from other people’s emotions and have no idea how they are feeling, and on the other side, can be people who are not just interested in how others are feeling; they are completely focused on how they are feeling.

One might be described as being better than the other, and having no empathy is unlikely to be the one that is seen as better. And yet, to be totally focused on how other people are feeling is also going to create problems.

Responsible

To feel concerned when another person is unhappy is one thing; it is another thing to feel responsible when they are unhappy and that it is ones purpose to make them happy. Of course, if one was responsible for what happened, then it is only normal that one offers their support.

But when one is not responsible for what happened and they feel that they are, one is going to become too focused on another person’s life. And if their attention is on others, it is inevitable that their own life is going to suffer.

Not only that, it also takes away the other persons responsibility for their own feelings. And this can cause them to always look to other people in order to be happy. Other people are then responsible and the ones who have the power over their feelings

Two ways

So trying to make other people happy not only causes one to lose awareness when it comes to their own needs and wants, it also causes the other person to lose touch with the role they are playing.

This is going to mean that one has less energy for their own life and this could cause them to feel disempowered. And other people are not going to be able to realise the power they have to make themselves happy; so they can end up feeling disempowered.

Parent And The Child

If one was to ignore how old each person was here, they would soon see that it is similar to the relationship a parent has with a child. At such a young age, the parent is responsible for the child’s happiness. And as the child hasn’t emotionally separated and therefore developed their sense of personal power, this is to be expected.

So while someone can look like an adult, it doesn’t mean that they feel like one. One can feel like a child and need others to look after them in order to get their needs met, or one can feel like a child, and look after others as a way to get their needs met.

The Same Coin

Whether one feels responsible for other people’s happiness or feels that other people are responsible for their own, it is because they have not been able to emotionally grow up. And this causes them to still see the world through the eyes of a child; with their personal power not yet being realised.

Role Reversal

Just because someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they actually had a childhood. And this means that instead of them receiving the nurturing they needed to become a healthy and functional adult, they might have ended up parenting their caregivers instead.

So they grow up and look like adults, but they still feel like children. While this should have been a time for their caregivers to focus on ones happiness and wellbeing, to take care or their needs and wants, it could have been the other way.

Survival

To survive during these years, and to receive the acceptance, love and approval that they desperately needed, they would have had to tune into their caregivers needs. One may not have been happy with this, but their caregivers were.

This sets one up to believe their survival is based on pleasing others, and making them happy would have been what mattered. The ideal would have been for them to be accepted, loved and approved of for who they were.

Outer Directed

One is then conditioned from day one look externally, and to tune into the needs and wants of other people. This is not dysfunctional per se, but when it becomes one whole focus it is going to be.

Their own needs and wants could have ended up being oblivious to them and the reason they focus on other people is not only because this is what feel safe, it is also because they are out of touch with their own needs and wants.

Awareness

It will be important for one to get back in touch with their needs and wants, and to realise that they are not responsible for other people’s happiness. Intellectually one may understand this, but emotionally it could be very different.

This may involve changing beliefs and releasing trapped emotions from one’s body. As this takes place, one will gradually begin to feel comfortable with their needs and wants. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach may be required here. 

To be happy is something most people want on this planet and there are many ways of achieving happiness. Some of these ways are beneficial and actually enhance ones general quality of life. And then there are other ways that can make one feel happy for a short time and then cause them to feel a lot worse after.

This is because happiness doesn’t have one meaning for everything. What will make one person happy might not make another person happy. There are also different levels of happiness that someone can experience; from feeling content on one end of the spectrum, to complete euphoria on the other.

Achievement

One way to achieve happiness is to accomplish a goal or to reach a certain outcome that one wanted. Here one will attain a feeling of happiness for a short time and soon this will begin subside.

How they felt at first won’t last forever and one’s mind may start to crave another achievement in order to feel happy once more. The enjoyment may end up being short lived and the next achievement consumes one’s mind.

This could feel like being on a treadmill that is stuck at high speed and every now and then, it slows down. Here, one is able to feel a sense of relief. But just as they are getting comfortable with this feeling, the treadmill starts up again.

Gratitude

Through craving or wanting happiness, one can easily start to forget about what they have. This is due to ones attention being on what they don’t have, as opposed to what they currently do have.

And based on the contrast that is created, it will be normal to feel unhappy and that one needs to have or to gain something in order to be happy. However, if one were to focus on what they do have and not on what they don’t have they might gradually start to observe a shift in how they feel.

This could take a while though, especially if one has got into a habit of placing most of their energy on what they have yet to gain or achieve in life. To be in this place, could be described as a place of acceptance and is another way to feel happy.

Substances

Another way to achieve happiness is through drinking alcohol, taking drugs or eating food. These might not always be useful one’s body and mind, but they will cause a momentary experience of being happy.

After consuming them, one could end up feeling far worse after the effects have worn off. Either through a hangover, a come down or through feeling bloated. So these are then nothing more than short term solutions or options.

Transitory

What these examples show is that happiness is a transitory experience; it doesn’t last for very long. Once it is achieved, it soon starts to disappear. And when it comes to the mind, the law of diminishing returns is at work.

So what did cause one to feel happy at one point will no longer have the same effect as time goes on; something more and something better, will be needed. What did it at one point, will no longer be enough at another point.

The Ego Mind

When it comes to the ego mind, seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is the norm. To feel pleasure feels good and can allow one to feel happy. To feel pain feels bad and can cause one to feel unhappy.

The mind is then hell bent on the pursuit of happiness and this is how it functions. And yet when one consciously observes this process, it is clear that it’s a game that can never be won. Where there are ups, there will be downs. And where there are downs, there is likely to be ups, if one allows them to take place.      

Of course, to be happy is something everyone should embrace, but to see happiness as the be all and end all is only going to result in more pain. For one thing, the desire for happiness or anything else for that matter causes it to be pushed away. When one seeks something they are telling the universe they don’t have and this will create more of the same thing.

The Body

To drop out of the mind and into the body, one will experience something completely different.  While the body lives in the present moment, the mind only knows duality. One can get caught up in their mind and play all the games that the mind plays. Or they can be the observers of their mind.

Here, one can see that happiness and unhappiness is an experience that comes and goes, it is not who they are. It can be natural to think that one is either happy or they are not happy and that’s the end of it. But beyond these two sides of the same coin is presence. This presence is there when one is happy and when one is not; it doesn’t go away.

Purpose

So being happy is the purpose of the mind and this allows it to avoid pain. The challenge is that pain is part of life and can’t be avoided. Life undoubtedly doesn’t always go as one wants it to go, people pass on, losses take place and the unexpected often happens.

And as happiness is transitory and can’t be maintained for very long, it would be easy to conclude that there is no other option. One is then trapped between the heaven of feeling good and the hell of feeling bad. Underneath this duality is having a sense of purpose.

Meaning

This purpose is going to be different for everyone, but no matter what this purpose is, it has the potential to be far more fulfilling than simply being happy. It is inevitable that this will cause one to be happy, but even when one has moments when they are not happy, this will give them something more substantial.

One can then experience being unhappy, but the fact they are living their truth and a life that is meaningful can cause them to experience pain without getting too attached to it. And this will enable one to see it as a temporary experience and not necessarily something that one needs to completely avoid.

Awareness

For someone who is living their truth and has a sense of purpose, they might be able to see how this grounds them during the challenging moments in their life. And if one unsure of what purpose of or what gives their life meaning, it might be necessary to take a deeper look at their life.

One could begin by looking back on their life and at what is currently going on and seeing what gives them a sense of being on course. Or what do they do that feels easy and causes their sense of time to disappear through doing it.

It is often said that everybody wants to be happy and yet this doesn’t mean that one will be comfortable when they are happy. For some people, being happy is a wonderful experience and for others, it is something that leads to incredible guilt.

And the very thing that one wants is then casing them to feel down and even miserable. Logically this is unlikely to make any sense and why would it.

Self Sabotage

This could cause someone to sabotage their happiness and as soon as it comes, it goes. It then leaves as quickly as it arrives. Or one may just end up feeling miserable when they should be happy and therefore waste the whole experience.

But it may mean that one doesn’t allow anything in their life to get this far. As the guilt is so strong, one is constantly on the lookout to minimize or end anything that would create happiness for them.

This can go on at a conscious level and at an unconscious level, but the consequences will be the same. And just about everything will be done to sabotage any form of happiness.

Two Stressors

There will be two ways that this can impact one’s life. One is through the internal conflict mentioned above and the other is through external experiences.  And although they can be seen as separate, they can both influence each other.

Through feeling guilty within for being happy, one can end up projecting this outlook onto other people and interpreting their behaviour in a certain way. Here one will assume that other people may reject them or disapprove of them for being this way.

And while this could be the case, the world is also made up of all types, but through the perspective that one has, one may see everyone as being this way.

Acceptance

What this all comes down to is being accepted. Their perspective is likely to be that one will only be accepted by others when they are unhappy. Now, this is rarely going to be something that one is consciously aware of. It is more likely to be taking place at a deeper level.

No matter who one is or what one does, complete acceptance from everyone is not possible. And yet, for the person that can’t be happy, acceptance is being interpreted as life or death.

Through the eyes of an adult, this outlook can seem absurd. But if a child had this outlook, it would make perfect sense.

Regression

And just because one may look like an adult, it doesn’t mean that one is emotionally an adult; there can be times when one can feel like a child. Here one can revert to a time in their life where being accepted was a matter of life or death.

This is likely to be ones childhood years and how one was responded to by their caregivers during times of happiness and joy will have had a big impact.

Childhood

During this time, ones ego mind will have formed associations around happiness. If one received approval, acceptance or validation for being happy, then being happy would be classed as familiar and therefore. But if one was invalidated, rejected or unapproved of for being happy, then being unhappy would have been associated as being familiar and therefore safe.

So, if the second occurrence took place, one would have come to learn that it was not safe to be happy. It was only safe it they were unhappy.

This could have been something that happened on a regular basis or it could have also been a one of event that was traumatic.

Examples

Although there can be numerous ways in which this is played out and experienced by someone as a child, there can be certain patterns. Perhaps one had a caregiver that was experiencing some kind of emotional pain and therefore couldn’t stand to see another person happy. To see another person happy, only reminded them of their own unhappiness.

It could be that one had a jealous or envious caregiver and so they felt that their position was being compromised if any one were to shine or take the limelight. And due to them not dealing with their own issues, they were acted upon in a destructive manner.

There may have been a general unhappiness that permeated ones whole family. So it was not based on a certain occurrence or a one of event, but a way of life. And one had no other choice or even the understanding that life could be any other way.

Awareness

Ones childhood may have taken place a long time ago and yet these early experiences can dictate so much of one’s adult life. As a child, one may have only felt safe if they were unhappy and as an adult, this no longer has to be the case.

But although one has moved on from those times, the ego mind can still perceive life in the same way. This will mean that certain associations and the emotions that are attached to them will have to be released. The help of a therapist, coach, healer or a trusted friend can assist in this process.

The word selfish has all kind of associations; however I’m sure one of the images that comes to mind for most of us is of the person who only thinks about themselves and is extremely self centred. This person only seems to think about what is in it for them and how it will benefit their own life.

On the other side we have the person who only thinks about others and is shown to be completely selfless. These kinds of people are typically lauded by our society for what they offer and for the many people they routinely help.

Above, I have mentioned the two extremes, one being selfish and the other being selfless. And I am sure that for many, the second option would be the most honourable out of the two.

The question that arises for me, is that, is it really this black and white? Is it really a case of one person only thinks about themselves and the other only thinks about others? I think there is a lot more going on here.

I believe that out of the two options, there are potentially two motivating factors going on within each of them. I will now explain what I mean by this.

Being Selfish

As I mentioned above, there is the typical example of someone who is only out for themselves. However, there is also another side to being selfish and one that is far from self centred. This individual understands that in order to make a difference in the world and to be of service to others, they have to take care of their own needs first. This individual will often find time for others, but there main priority will be their own needs.

Being Selfless

They are perceived as being the complete opposite of self centred, they would do anything for any one. I think that the other side or should I say the functional side to this, is of the individual, who has taken care of their needs enough to be able to assist others. By this, I mean, that they are not helping others out of the need for approval or acceptance, so that they end up compromising themselves. They are assisting others, as they have developed themselves to the point that helping others is really helping themselves.

Psychological Perspective

Looking at this from a psychological perspective, it is clear to see that being self centred is a very basic stage in our evolution. An example that comes to mind is that of a child, who constantly wants attention from its mother. This is because as children we are naturally reliant on others and have no way of taking care of our own needs. So receiving the approval and attention from others is not only essential, it is a matter of survival.

As we begin to develop our own sense of empowerment and influence on the world, we will begin to see that we can take care of our own needs in a functional and empowered way. I believe that as we are able to do this, to have our own needs fulfilled, we will as a result of this be able to be of service to the world. This will be done from a place of integrity, as we will rarely be compromising ourselves to assist the society or world.

This is what would happen in an ideal world, however for many people this is far from reality.

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

Due to not getting these basic needs met, we can end up becoming either selfless or selfish. However, different situations in our life might change which side we embody.

Acting selfless can be perceived to be completely different to acting selfishly, and yet this person is not necessarily any more psychological adjusted that the selfish person. They have developed ways of getting their needs met indirectly by receiving the approval of others. The problem is that this approval is rarely internalized; meaning they are stuck in the trap of constantly needing to please others and all at the cost of truly pleasing themselves.

And although being selfish causes us to only think about ourselves, it can, as ironic as this sounds, also be the consequence of having trouble receiving.

I believe the above two examples happen as the result of experiencing rejection when it came to the fulfilment of our basic needs in our younger years. This creates an identity and level of deserving, which at a deeper level feels comfortable and safe for us. And if we continue to identify with our past; our need for approval will continue, stemming from the early association of acceptance and survival.                                               

Taking Care Of Our Own Needs

My perspective is that until we can become aware of these needs again, we will continue to behave in a self centred manner. When I refer to the other side of self centeredness, I am talking about the individual that is becoming conscious and aware of what those needs are. This is someone who questions the very nature of them and if it is even possible for others to take care of them.

So if one has had a childhood where their needs were met in a functional way or whether it was through ones development in later life, I think it will only be as a result of this that it will be possible to really be of service to the world.

I think that although the approval from the people around us or even higher up in our society can be rewarding in the short term, in the long term it will only cause us frustration and emptiness.

What Really Matters?

However, finding out what truly matters to us can be extremely difficult. I believe this is partly the consequence of our childhood and partly the result of our education system. Both of these are about acquiring the rules, morals and perceptions of our caregivers and the ideas, opinions and knowledge of our teachers. When it comes to developing as a human being, I believe all of those elements are somewhat necessary. I think the problems arise when we don’t question these areas of our life. To decide for ourselves what is right and what is true in our own heart.

Final Thoughts

I believe that although others can offer us guidance and direction throughout our life, the only person who knows what will bring us true meaning and purpose is ourselves.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

I have recently been asking the question: why is it that we are so consumed with the pain of the world and at the same time run away from our own pain? Could it be that the very reason we have become so obsessed and addicted to the media, soaps, gossip and other such things, is due to us running away from what is really going on within us? What is really causing us pain?

There is the general view point that our society is fairly civilized and we have to protect it from external oppressors or what happens to us is the result of someone victimising us. However, what I have mentioned above are all popular and are seen as social norms in many ways. With soaps being extremely popular, how the media gives us our view of reality and gossip, very often being the selling point of most papers and magazines.

The question I ask is, what is really going on at a personal level for us, which make us so interested in these things?

If we were as civilized as is made out, would we really spend so much of our time exposed to these areas?

For me it all comes back to repression. How we repress and push down what is really causing us pain and end up talking about something more acceptable and this usually ends up as being the perceived cause of our problems. With what we repress and express typically being the result of what was acceptable during our younger years and what our society deems appropriate.

I would also add that to the degree we let go off our own pain, will see a direct effect on how much we are attracted all of these things. So as this happens, our interest in them will lessen.

A great example that comes to mind is what I see as often being the physical manifestation of our pain - illness. I believe that before the illness has fully appeared in the body, there is potentially years of emotional suffering before anything shows up, that can be observed by ourselves or a doctor. It is a lot easier for us to talk about what is going on with our body, than it is for us to open up emotionally. I don’t think that the more conventional doctor usually asks how the person feels about what is going on for them or how they have generally been feeling as of late or over their whole life.

I think a lot of this has come about through our lack of understanding of what our emotions are and how they work. I heard on the news the other day, while a reporter was in Egypt, that repression doesn’t work. Of course he was talking about external repression; however internal repression clearly doesn’t work either. And this is how our society has been functioning for many years. This is happening at the microcosm level, within families and at the macrocosm level of the society we live in.

We have been taught how some emotions are appropriate and some are not. This then causes us to become identified with our mind. We can then end up feeling guilty and angry at ourselves for feeling such things. Our emotions are there to give us feedback, to show us what we need to look at in our life. They are ultimately neither good nor bad, they just are. They do not represent our true nature and are largely being triggered from our past.

One of the consequences of repressing our emotions is that we can end up cutting ourselves of from our own inner guidance. Tapping into what brings us meaning and what makes us passionate, becomes difficult to say the least. A feedback loop is created: as our connection to ourselves is lost through repressing our pain, yet more pain is created, as we feel completely disconnected from ourselves and our own truth.

When our ego is in an undeveloped and regressed state, our life becomes a myriad of defence mechanisms. All of this goes on without any awareness of what is going on, unless we step into, observing, our own mind.

We all have ways of acting and thinking in our own lives that cause us to stay stuck and yet due to how the mind works, it can be extremely difficult to let go of these patterns. From my experience there is not only the behavioural and cognitive/emotional sides, there is also a biological need that is tied in with what’s familiar and what keeps us addicted. With there being a sense of safety about holding onto what’s familiar, even though it can cause us endless suffering. To our mind the familiar is safe, and therefore the same means safe to us.

This is why it is so important to observe our own mind; so that we can consciously choose another way, a way that is true for us.

Today we live in a world where there is the perspective that addicts are the ones who take drugs, drink alcohol or participate in gambling and other kinds of pursuits. However, I think if we step back and look at our own lives, we can see that we are all addicted to something. I think it is more of a question of; are our addictions helping us to realise our dreams and if not, is it time to change what we’re addicted to?

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

I have recently reflected on my own tendency to have felt happy only when I felt unhappy. And I sensed that, even when everything was going fine and I could see that I was achieving my goals, there was often a sense of unhappiness within me.

By observing my own emotional and cognitive processes it brought to my attention what could have led to some of the reasons why this was happening. As although I have revealed a part of myself here, I think this is an area that is common today.

Before I go into my empirical understandings of what is happening at the causal level, I will talk about the effects.

Whether the unhappiness is expressed through peoples addiction to the media, that is full of negativity and disempowering content, we have also heard the saying ‘no news is good news’. Or in a person’s need for attention and to be validated for a situation in their life when they felt victimised, and don’t feel ready to move on.

We can also feel a tremendous amount of power by feeling down, as strange as it sounds. This can be due to us feeling as though in our current perceived reality that there is no other way for us to have our needs met. So as destructive as the situations are that we are creating, to us that might feel like the only possibility.

This occurrence is known as secondary gain. How I see secondary gain is that during our childhood we associate what is going on as being safe for us, no matter how functional or dysfunctional to ourselves it is. And then as we get older we continue to attract the same situations into our life, as to our ego mind, they are familiar and therefore safe. At first glance this doesn’t make any logical sense. However when we are younger we don’t possess the cognitive awareness or ability to be discerning. With the benefit usually being at an unconscious level, as we become more conscious aware of ourselves we can start to see that there is another way to get our needs met.

And I feel that the medical profession shoulder a lot of the pressure for us. With a doctor’s role being of far greater importance than prescribing drugs for us, the role they play is akin to a therapist, someone who will understand and listen to us without judgement. And we can all relate to the fact that having someone who will listen to us being an extremely rare phenomenon.

There is also the area of friends who only seem to appear be there when things are not going well or when we feel off course. And certain foods seem so much more appealing to us when we feel under the weather.

Another part, perhaps the most important one of them all, is in our need to be approved of and accepted. With every one having heard the line your friends will be there when you’re down, there is also another side to it, of your friends will be there for you when you’re up. So when it comes to feeling happy and successful, this could lead us to feeling as though we will separate ourselves from our friends and family, and sabotage ourselves to avoid this perceived reality from manifesting. I think the true of it is that the people who truly love and appreciate us will support us during the good and the bad times.

A number of examples come to my attention, when I think about what these causes could be that can create such conflict in our later years. During our childhood we might have only felt as though we received love during our tantrums or times of great sadness and neglect or when we made a scene to our parents or caregivers. What comes to mind is the example the baby who cries’s and then receives attention from their mother. There might have also been a very repressive and cold nature during the younger years, that due to their own pain didn’t want to see their children happy or expressing any kind of vibrancy and forced the child to conform to their perception of the world.

Now, I don’t believe that anyone does anything harmful while they are conscious. I believe our parents are ultimately doing the best that they can and if they create harm, it is due to their own wounds being acted out. This is while I feel it is so important to constantly become more conscious and to heal our pain, not only to love and appreciate ourselves, but through loving ourselves we respond the same way to other people and to our environment. I think as badly as we are treating our environment, we are ultimately doing more harm to ourselves, and our environment is just an extension of that pain.

My perspective is that happiness comes from following our own truth, which will cause us to feel empowered, free and connected to others. And what we do will not only offer value and make a difference to ourselves, but to the world as a whole.