Behind the desire to achieve and to have more can be the need for someone to fulfil their own wants and needs. And other people are also going to provide inspiration. No one is their own island and it is only natural that other people are going to play a part in what one does or doesn’t do in life. But while other people will play a part it what one does with their life, there is also the chance that one will allow their whole life to be defined by others. Disconnected This means that one could end up being disconnected from their true self and place their attention on what other people are doing. Now, this could mean that one ends up following other people or it could mean that one does all they can to come to be better than others. Ones whole life could be designed in this way and therefore, every action one takes is intended to show how superior they are to others. Or this need could be something that only arises during certain situations. Beyond Appearances However, no matter what one owns or how successful they are, they are never going to be better than anyone else. Inherently, each and every one of us has the same value. Of course, some people may have more or have achieved more, but these are all external occurrences. And in order to attain something or to achieve something, one will need the assistance of other people. These people are likely to be unknown and one will take all the credit and yet, they have still played a part. Being Better When one is motivated to be better than others, there is the chance that they will be unaware of the fact that being better or worse is nothing more than an illusion. And how it is something they have created in their mind and not something that reflects reality. So through being unaware of this fact, they are going to do all they can to outdo others. But if one has this outlook all the time, there is the chance that it is not only going to isolate them from others, but that they are going to be out of touch with themselves. Other people could see them as being cold and insecure. And this person could have no idea what really matters to them – beyond trying to look better than others. Highly Competent However, just because someone has this need, it doesn’t mean that other people always notice it. Through having the need to be better than others, one could just come across as being highly competent in one area of their life or a number of areas. In this case, one could end up being admired by others and come across as an example to follow. But no matter how they are viewed or how connected or disconnected they are from themselves, their worth is being defined by others. Worthless And the fact that one needs to be better than others shows that they actually feel less than others. If they didn’t feel less than others they wouldn’t have the need to be more than others. Now, this can be hard to believe; especially as they might have achieved and attained so much. When one feels worthless within there is going to be three options. One can either: let these feelings control their life and sabotage their life; push these feelings out of their mind and achieve monumental success or deal with these feelings and fulfil their true needs and wants. Emotional Regulation Doing things that allow one to outshine others or thinking in ways that allow one to feel better than others enables one to regulate how they feel. But as these feelings are still there, it means that one will continually have to outshine others and think in the same ways, or they will have to face how they really feel. The feedback of others, in regards to how good they are, plays a significant role here. If other people didn’t provide this, there is the chance that one would have to face their emotional truth. What Happened? Even though someone can feel worthless at a deeper level and cover this feeling up by doing all they can to be better than others, in ways they aware and unaware of, there is a reason they feel this way. And while it could be due to what has happened to them in their adult years, it is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood. This is likely to have been a time where one was made to feel ashamed of who they were and not accepted unconditionally. Childhood Perhaps ones caregivers only loved them when they did what they wanted or achieved something. One may have been abused in some way and through this abuse, came to believe they were worthless. And the reason this person channelled their pain into being a success and not a failure, could be because there was someone around at the time who treated them differently. They may have been around on a consistent basis or only for a short period of time. Awareness These experiences have caused one to feel worthless. And although many years have passed, the emotional experience has stayed in their body. These feelings will need to be released and this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will also provide the positive regard that one didn’t get growing up and this can be just as important as it is for them to let go of their trapped emotions.
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While some people are used to having people walk all over them, there are other people who are used to walking all over others. The former is going to live a life of being violated and compromised, and the latter is going to live a life of violating and compromising others. Now, not everyone is going to have the same boundaries and so one can end up walking over another person without realising it. In this case, it is likely to be something that they do on the odd occasion and not something that is a way of life for them. And then there will be other people who walk over others on a regular basis. This is not to say that they consciously know what they are doing though, as this could be happening unconsciously. Here, one has no awareness of another person’s personal space and if they do, they are not willing to respect it. Personal Reality When it comes to the people who are walked over, they are going to be used to being around people who don’t respect their personal reality. To others, it won’t matter what their needs or wants are, all that will matter is what their needs and wants are. However, when it comes to someone who is used to walking over others, all that matters to them is what their needs and wants are. What the other person wants or needs is irrelevant and is the last thing on their mind. Out Of Touch The only reality they are aware of is their own; they are not aware of the fact that other people have their own reality. Or if they are aware of this fact, they are not willing to accept it. If they were aware of the fact that other people have their own reality, it would be a lot harder for them to violate another human being. If it is not on their mind and/or if they have completely removed it from their awareness, it is going to be a lot easier for them to do what they do. Empathy And this brings our attention to what is often missing in people who always walk over others - empathy. This is not going to be black or white though, as this person may still have empathy at certain times. It will all depend on what side of the spectrum someone is on; as they could move from having no empathy in certain situations to showing it in others. But when this relates to someone who has no empathy whosoever, it will mean that other people will be seen as objects and not as their fellow human beings. If one can’t feel, it is going to be easy for them to view other people as being nothing more than a means to an end. Objects When one has empathy, it is going to be difficult for them to manipulate or use another human being. If they were to do this, they would be able to feel how the other person would feel if they were to do something harmful. But without empathy, they won’t be able to feel how another person would feel and so it is going to be easier for them to harm another in some way. Examples This could involve someone who is always telling their partner what they can or can’t do. And if they were to go against this person, violence or some kind of manipulation would be used to make them do what they wanted. Another example would be of a leader of a country who decides to attack another country for no apparent reason. It won’t matter if they have no right to do so or that a lot of damage will be done. Two Sides Although this person can be used to walking over others, it can also mean that other people walk all over them. It can all depend on how safe one feels as to whether one plays the role of the victim or the perpetrator. It is then two sides of the same coin. And when one walks over others, they are going to feel in control, and when one is being walked over by others, they are going to feel that they have no control. But the same feeling of having no control is there in both cases. Walking Over Others Waking over others is then a way for one to avoid feeling powerless and to make sure that other people don’t walk all over them. So at a deeper level, there is the chance that they fear that other people are going to violate them in some way. And by walking over others, one is able to get their needs and wants met; whereas, if they were the ones being walked over, this wouldn’t happen. The Cause The reason one feels this way could be due to what has happened in their childhood years. Here, one could have been brought up by caregivers who had no boundaries themselves, and so, one was used to being compromised and violated by the people around them. This would also have meant that their needs and wants would have been ignored. And depending on one’s temperament, would have come to the conclusion that they could only survive by being walked over or by walking over others. Walking over others would then have been what felt safe and a way for them to get their needs and wants met. If they unconsciously choose the other option, then letting people walk over them would have been what felt safe and a way for them to get their needs and wants met. Awareness So in order for someone to no longer walk over others, they will need to let go off the fear that other people will walk over them. And to realise that it is possible for other people to meet their needs and wants through choice and not through force. The emotional experience of the past could have remained trapped in ones body. This means that one will need to get in touch with these trapped emotions and gradually release them. One can be assisted in this process by a therapist or a healer.
While some people can feel worthy as a result of they are, other people can only feel worthy as a result of what they do. In the first case, ones worth has been internalised, and in the other, their worth is based on external factors. So the first person can just be and feel valuable without having to do anything. What they do is then a reflection of the value they feel and not something they do in order to feel valuable. However, when it comes to the second person, the only way that they can feel valuable is if they are doing something. And what they do is then a reflection of the fact they don’t feel valuable and not because they feel valuable. Inherent Worth On the inside, each and every one of us has the same worth. One person may have something society values and another person may not, or one person may have attained more money than someone else, but this does not mean that one person is therefore more valuable than someone else. And yet in today’s world, not everyone is seen as having the same value. This outlook causes some people to be treated with respect and others to be treated without respect. People are often viewed as objects that can be used and abused; with them being seen as nothing more than a means to an end. Doing When ones worth is based on what they do and not on who they are, they are going to be used to living a life that is based on doing and not being. For if they are not doing something or achieving some kind of goal, there is the chance that they will feel uncomfortable. Their actions are then a way for them to regulate their feelings of having no value and of being worthless. Whereas as if they felt valuable without doing anything, they would be able to just be. Being This is not to say that one would therefore sit around doing nothing and have nothing to show for their time on this planet. What it means is that they are able to let go and to relax, without feeling that their self worth is under threat unless they are constantly doing something or on the verge of some kind achievement If ones worth is not based on what they achieve, it will be possible for them to let go and to not get attached to an outcome. This will enable them to stay focused on the steps that lead up to their goal and to enjoy it once they have achieved it. And as one is not attached to what they desire, it can mean that one finds it easier attract what they desire into their life. For when one is attached to something, it can not only cause them to push it away, it can also cause one to use more energy to attract it. Never Ending But when one believes their value is based on what they do, it is going to be about the outcome and not the journey. It might not matter what one achieves, as long as they achieve something. And once they do achieve something, it will be short-lived; simply because their attention will go onto the next thing that will take away their discomfort and give them a boost. As it might not matter what one achieves as long as they are successful, it could mean that one ends up achieving things that are not important to them. What’s Going On? Although this whole dynamic can seem normal and just how life is, it is there for a reason. When ones feels valuable for who they are opposed to what they do, they are going to view success differently. It won’t be something they have to achieve in order to feel worthy; it will just be a consequence of the actions that they are taking. This doesn’t mean that one consciously knows that they only feel valuable when they are successful, as it could take place without them even realising it. Worthless So if one only feels worthy when they are successful, there is the chance that they feel worthless at a deeper level. And when there is the feeling of being worthless, shame is not going to be too far away. At one point in their life they would have learnt that it is only possible for them to be loved for what they do and not for who they are. But this is not love either; as it would have caused one to create a false self. Childhood This could be due to what has happen in ones adult years, but it is likely to be due to what happened in their childhood. During this time, there is the chance that one had to fulfil the wants and needs of their caregiver/s. One was then seen as an extension of their caregiver/s and not as a separate being. And if they fulfilled their wants and needs one would have been made to feel valuable. So it was conditional, and not something one felt no matter what they did or didn’t do. As An Adult So one would have learnt that whether they are accepted or not, depends on what they do. And because of this, one then continues to behave in the same way as an adult; with the hope that they will gain the love they didn’t receive as a child. This will all take place unconsciously. If one is successful, there is the chance that other people will respond favourable to them. However, it is still going to be for what they do and not for who they are. So years will have passed and yet the same story is still being played out. Awareness These early experiences would have caused one to experience emotional pain and to miss out on the love they desperately needed in order to feel worthy for who they are. This emotional pain will need to be released from one’s body and they will also need to receive the validation that they missed out on all those years ago. A therapist or a healer can assist one in this process.
When one reacts to what is going on externally or to what is going on internally, they are not experiencing self control and at times, this is to be expected; human beings are not robots after all. However, when one experiences no self control whosoever, they are going to find it difficult to feel centred and at peace with themselves. This is why being mindful of what is taking place within oneself is so important. Through this, one will be able to experience more self control; no matter what is taking place externally or internally. Being at peace within and feeling centred can then be something that becomes part of their life Without having this ability, one is going to be thrown around by their inner processes. So one is then not in control of their mind, their mind is in control of them. One reason this is something that a lot of people can relate to is because they have never been taught how to monitor their mind. Identification Instead of people being taught how to observe their mind, they are often trained to identify with it. This means that one moves from a place of acceptance, to a place of resistance. And as the saying goes ‘what we resist persists’. So through fighting and trying to change what the mind does, one then ends up engaging in something that they will always lose. And this can cause one to feel: frustrated, angry and powerless. Stepping Back So through being mindful, one gradually comes to accept what is taking place. This means that one is not getting caught up in what is occurring within them and neither are they avoiding it. And like anything in life, this is not something that will happen overnight. But as one continues to observe what is taking place within them, their ability to observe will gradually grow. Patience and persistence will be the key and this is something that one can continue to develop for the rest of their life. Labelling One thing that can cause one to identify with their mind is when they label what is taking place. Here, one will say something is good or bad, or that they shouldnt be thinking what they are thinking. These judgements are often the result of what they have picked up from others in regards to what is or what is not appropriate. This could relate to what is acceptable in their society, and it can go back to their childhood years. As one gradually begins to drop their tendency to label what is going on within them, as being either good or bad, one can allow themselves to settle down. Mind And Body When it comes to the mind, one can be the observer of what is occurring. One can also be the observer of what is going on in their body, and this will include their feelings and sensations. But while the mind can create the impression that one is simply an observer and that’s the end of it, the body shows there is more to it. The body is ones connection to life and through this connection; one will know what their needs and wants are, amongst other things. And at times, observing ones feelings will be the right thing for them to do, but if this is the only thing they do, it can cause them to become emotionally disconnected. Emotionally Disconnected So one then becomes more centred through not engaging with their emotions, but at the same time, they can also become emotionally cut off in the process. The part of themselves that allows them to feel connected and alive ends up being denied. Their needs and wants can then end up being a complete mystery. And what started off as a way for one to be more in touch with what is taking place with them soon becomes another way for them to lose touch with what is taking place within them. Negative Thoughts One reason why someone would be drawn to mindfulness in the first place is because they have a lot of negative thoughts or mind chatter that they want to get rid of. Observing the mind and therefore not getting caught up with the minds stories is one approach. However, what is going on in one’s mind if often a consequence of what is going on in their body. For example: if one has an emotional build up in their body, there is a greater chance of one having obsessive thoughts. Out Of Touch The thoughts could be seen as the problem, but the mind is simply creating them as a way to regulate how one feels. If one didn’t feel as they did, there would be no need for their mind to produce the same thoughts over and over again. If one is out of touch with their feelings, they are not going to be aware of what is fuelling their thoughts. And one is then going to be looking in the wrong places and wondering why nothing is changing. Letting Go In order for one to settle their mind down, there is the chance that they will need to let go of the emotional build up within them. And while thoughts can be observed and then soon disappear through one not getting attached to them, emotions have to be dealt with differently. Emotions have to be faced and therefore felt, in order for them to be released. Observing them might mean that one becomes very familiar with the build up within them, but it won’t allow them to let go of the build up. Awareness It can be easy to say something is either good or bad, but this would be missing the point entirely. Mindfulness is neutral; what defines whether it is helps or hinders one’s life is how it is used. So if one has become emotionally disconnected, it might be necessary for them to try something else. And this may mean that one needs the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
In order to protect ones personal space and what they own, it will be important for them to set boundaries. Other people are not always going to know what ones boundaries are; if people could reads minds, it would be different. At times, other people will know what is appropriate and what is not. But there will also be times when other people do things that cause one to feel compromised or even violated. This may be the result of them having the intention to cause harm, and yet it could also happen by accident. One could cause another person to feel compromised without meaning to. It is not that they have set out to harm another or to make them feel comprised; it is just that their boundaries are different. Speaking Up This is why it is vital that one speaks up and makes sure other people know what is appropriate and what isn’t. Setting boundaries is not something that will happen once and that’s the end of it; it will be a day to day occurrence. So while this can mean that one will need to speak up; it could also involve them using their body language to emphasis what is acceptable. Setting boundaries is one thing, but if one doesn’t stand by their decisions, it won’t matter. A Push Over For example, is one constantly says no to something and then changes their mind shortly after; there is the chance that other people will still walk over them. This is because other people will see that one doesn’t stand their ground and is easily swayed by others. They might stop people from walking over them in the beginning, but that might be as far as it goes. One then becomes an easy target and ends up in the same position as someone who doesn’t set boundaries. Being Consistent So whether one doesn’t stand their ground or only does so for a short while, the consequences are likely to be the same. The ideal will be for one to stand their ground and to stick to the decisions that they make. This is not to say that being flexible is therefore negative and one should never change their mind. But if one changes their mind and ends up letting another person walk over them, they are going to suffer in one way or another. Fear If one doesn’t set boundaries at all, there is the chance that they will experience fear from the beginning. And when it relates to people who set them and then give in shortly after, there is likely to be a delay in when they experience fear. And as a result of feeling fear, one then ends up doing what other people want them to do. If other people always knew what ones needs wants were, this wouldn’t be a problem. The problem is that even if another person knows them extremely well, they are still not always going to know if they are completely comfortable with something or not. Feeling Comfortable So as it is not always possible for other people to know when one feels compromised, it is vital that they feel comfortable setting boundaries. All the time they feel fear when it comes to setting boundaries, they are going to stop themselves from doing what is in their best interests. This also shows that one is experiencing inner conflict; they are pleasing other people instead of pleasing themselves. And this could be something that cases minor problems, to something that causes extreme suffering. A Deeper Look On the surface will be fear and this is likely to relate to the fear of being abandoned or harmed in some way. And the reason their mind associates setting boundaries with being abandoned or harmed is due to what has taken place in their adult years and/or what happened during their childhood. Childhood As a child, one may have had caregivers that were out of touch with what their needs and wants were, and were more focused on what they needed and wanted. So if one was to express themselves, they would have been abandoned or harmed in some way. Being abandoned at this age would have felt like death, and so one would have done anything they could to avoid having to being left alone. From these experiences; one would have learnt form a very early age that pleasing others is the only way for them to survive. If they were to go against what the people around them wanted and to listen to themselves, they would not survive. And all the time these associations are still in place, it is not going to be possible for one to feel comfortable when it comes to setting boundaries. Letting Go These early experiences would have caused one to create certain beliefs and to carry trapped emotions within them. So as these beliefs are changed and one releases their trapped emotions, it will be possible for them to feel that it is safe for them to set boundaries. One can do this by working with a therapist or a healer. It will all depend on what ones needs are and how much of a challenge this is for them.
While boundaries are essential, it doesn’t mean that they are going to be the same for everyone. One person could feel infringed upon when another person does something, and if this was to happen to someone else, it might not cause any problems. But although there will be differences in what people are comfortable with and what they are not, there will be things that apply to everyone. So this means that someone can violate another person’s boundaries without them even realising it or it could be something they do on purpose. This is why it is important for someone to assert their boundaries during the moments when they feel compromised. Because whether another person realises what they are doing or not, one still needs to protect themselves. Boundaries And this will include ones physical body, their mind and their emotional body, as well as their possessions At times other people may get too close or want to touch them when it is inappropriate, and one will have to let them know. One might hear something or be told something that it harmful or inaccurate and so one will need to stop what they hear from entering their mind. There will also be the need for one to be discerning in who they open up to. Opening their heart to anyone would not be wise; first one needs to see if someone can be trusted with such openness. When it comes to one’s personal belongings, one will need to let other people know when they are doing something that is intrusive or inappropriate. Protection Through one standing their ground and letting other people know when they are violating their boundaries, one will feel safe and empowered. This doesn’t mean that one will never feel compromised, but what it does mean, is that it is likely to be a rare occurrence. Without having the ability to do this, it is clear that one is going to be walked over. And this means they won’t feel safe or empowered, they will feel vulnerable and powerless. However, even though this is not the ideal, it can be normal and what they are used to. Walked Over Being walked over is then the rule and not the exception. Other people could be seen as having something they don’t and/ or one could come believe that they deserve to be walked over. Either way, it is bound to make someone feel frustrated and angry. But while one’s mind can come with all these reasons as to why they are being compromised or violated by others, it is happening for a reason. And this reason can be due to what has happened in their adult years or it can be the result of what happened during their childhood years. Childhood From the moment someone is born, they are wide open or to put it another way – they are boundaryless. And so whether they form boundaries or not, will all depend on how their caregivers treated them. If one is brought up by caregivers who are empathic and are therefore in tune with their needs and wants, it is going to mean that their personal space will be respected in most cases. This would have allowed one to realise that they are separate and that it is safe for them to have needs and wants. And through this, it enabled one to speak up when they did feel compromised in any way; for they knew that they would be heard and respected. What these early experiences do is shape their adult expectations. These expectations then define their behaviour and other people will mirror back what they have come to expect. The Opposite For some people, the complete opposite would have taken place. Or if it wasn’t this extreme, certain things would have occurred that set them up to be walked over as an adult. Here, ones needs and wants would have been overlooked or minimized. It is likely that they were brought up by caregivers who didn’t have the ability to empathise or if they did, they didn’t utilise it on a consistent basis. And this then made it possible for them to violate ones personal space. Through these experiences, one would have learnt that it wasn’t safe for them to stand their ground. And that they could only survive by letting other people walk over them. They would have ended up feeling worthless and that they deserved to be treated badly. Familiar These early experiences then formed their expectations and as the years passed, these probably become unconscious. So as this is what they expect and what feels familiar and therefore safe to their ego mind, they will continue to create situations in their life where they are walked over by others. Awareness Just because someone is used to being walked over, it doesn’t mean they deserve it. Their experiences may cause them to believe that they do deserve it, but what one experiences is simply a reflection of what they believe. And so what is taking place externally doesn’t reflect what is true, it simply reflects what is taking place within. When this changes, ones outer experiences will begin to mirror back these internal changes. There is likely to be beliefs that need to be changed, and trapped emotions in one’s body that need to be released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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