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In general, someone could act as though they are merely an extension of others. The reason for this is that they could tend to say yes if another person asks them if they will do something for them.
And, even if they are not asked to do something, they could still be doing things for others. Naturally, this is going to mean that they will give a lot of their time and energy to others. Lop-Sided If they had an unlimited amount of time and energy, it wouldn’t matter that they behaved in this way. But, as they don’t have an unlimited amount of time and energy, their own life is going to suffer. However, thanks to how they live their life, they might not have much of a life. So, they could have a job that is soul-destroying, very few hobbies, rarely exercise or find time to relax and recharge. One Outlook Now, if another person were to point out that they do too much for others and are neglecting themselves, they could dismiss what is said. They could say that this is not true and that they like to be there for others, or something that is very similar. Assuming that this is what they say, it will show that they believe that being there for others is the right thing for them to do. Yet, if they were to think about let alone change their behaviour, they could soon feel guilty and ashamed. A Heavy Weight But, although they can believe that they are behaving in the right way, as they are depriving themselves, there is likely to be a time when they won’t be able to behave in this way. Before they end up in this position, though, they can have moments when they are unable to function. During these moments, they can feel totally drained and unable to do a great deal. For example, they might not be able to get out of bed, or, if they can, they might not be able to do much else. One Conclusion When this happens, they can believe that they are just unwell and go back to how they were before, once they are back on their feet. If they were to see their doctor, they could end up being diagnosed as having something wrong with them. If this takes place, it could settle their mind and give them the sense that they know why they often feel so worn out. Nonetheless, as they won’t get to the bottom of why they go through these cycles, their life will continue to go in the same direction and won’t get any better. Another Scenario Now, assuming that they were to get to the stage where they can’t behave in this way anymore, they might look into why their life is this way. What they might soon come to see is that they lack boundaries. In other words, they have an issue when it comes to being there for themselves and saying no to others. The outcome of this is that as they give so much to others, there is very little left for them. It’s Normal What they could see is that saying yes to others and being there for them is what feels comfortable, while saying no and being there for themselves doesn’t feel comfortable. At this point, they could struggle to understand why behaving in a way that is not serving them feels comfortable. If they were to think about how long their life has been this way for, they could see that it has more or less always been this way. What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were a time when they were not treated as an individual who had their own needs and feelings. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, their mother and perhaps their father might have seen them as nothing more than an object who was there to meet their needs. Thus, instead of being able to receive what they needed to grow and develop in the right way, they would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle this lack of attunement and love, they would have had to repress their feelings and a number of their needs and develop an outer-directed false self. Not being connected to themselves and being focused on their parent or parent’s needs would have been a way for them to survive and try to meet their needs. An Adaption In other words, they had to play a parental role as one or both of their parents were not there for them. There is a strong chance that one or both of their parents had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. Due to how underdeveloped they were, they would have unconsciously done what they could to mould their child into the parent that they didn’t have. Their child would then have been there to give, not there to receive. Drawing the Line With this in mind, they were treated as though they were here to meet other people’s needs at this stage of their life and are not worthy of having their own needs let alone meeting their own needs. The truth is that they are not here to meet other people’s needs and are worthy of having and meeting their own needs. To change their life, they are likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This is something that will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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In general, someone could prefer to spend time by themselves and when they are around others, they could have the tendency to lose who they are. When they are in their own company, then, they could have a fairly strong connection with their inner world and feel free to do just about whatever they choose to do.
However, when they are around others, they could automatically lose touch with their inner world and go along with what other people want. Thanks to this, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they prefer to spend time by themselves. A Bleak Existence At times, though, living in this way could cause them to feel incredibly isolated and alone. But, as they will spend so much time in their own company and lose themselves around others, they won’t be able to experience a great deal of human contact. Along with this, by losing themselves around others, they are likely to often do things that they would rather not do and be walked over. Due to this, it can seem as if being alone or being taken advantage of is their only option, and neither of them is going to be very appealing. A Hopeless Place Still, although being alone will cause them to suffer, it is likely to be seen as being better than the alternative. The reason for this is that even though they will be cut off from others and deprived of human contact, they won’t end up being walked over. It is then going to be the lesser of two evils and they will just have to tolerate what is going on. As a result of being this way, they can often feel hopeless and helpless and wonder if their life will ever change. Running On Empty Additionally, they can find that they often feel very low and seldom have much energy. This is likely to be partly due to the fact that by being deprived of human contact, they will miss out on a lot of the nutrients that they need to be able to feel whole and complete. And even when they are around others, they will be playing a role which will prevent them from truly being able to receive. For this to take place, they would need to fully show up and reveal who they are, as this would allow them to actually take in what is being provided. Disconnected When it comes to who they are, this will be an expression of their needs and feelings. If these elements rarely influence their behaviour around others, it will mean that the needs and feelings of others will largely define their behaviour during this time. They might be able to connect to these elements when they are in their own company or they might typically only be able to connect to what is taking place in their mind. If this is the case, a number of their needs and perhaps most of their feelings will often be a mystery. What’s going on? If they were able to step back and reflect, they might wonder why they experience life in this way. First, what will cross their mind is why they are unable to maintain who they are around others and to stand their ground, and, second, why they don’t have a good connection with their body. What could also stand out is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Upon seeing this, they could believe that they were simply born this way and that they will always be this way. A Deeper Look There is a chance that they are this way due to what took place during their formative years. This may have been a time when they were deeply traumatised, with them not being provided with the care that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. So, practically from the moment they were born, they may have been left and when they were given care, it might have largely been misattuned care. The outcome of this is that they would have been overwhelmed throughout this key stage of their life and, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to change what was going on or run away. One Option To handle the pain and arousal that they experienced, their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut down, frozen, disconnected and collapsed state. They were then born connected to their body (embodied), but they would have soon lost touch with their body (become disembodied). Furthermore, they wouldn’t have been able to form energetic boundaries and their body would have become constricted. This will be why they lose themselves around others and only feel safe when they are in their own company. It’s Over Many, many years will have passed since they were hopeless, helpless and unable to protect themselves, but their body and brain won’t have moved on. To these parts of them, what happened won’t be over, and this is why they won’t feel safe enough to be in their body and freely express themselves. For this to change, they are going to need to let go of the pain and arousal that their brain and body are holding onto. This is something that is likely to take patience and persistence as it won’t happen overnight. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Boundaries: Can Someone Be In A Boundaryless State If They Experienced Developmental Trauma?14/12/2021
If someone was able to step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they have the tendency to isolate themselves. At other times, when they are around others, they could lose themselves and end up going along with things that are not in alignment with who they are.
Naturally, living in this way is going to mean that it will rarely be possible for them to truly embrace life and their true self will rarely see the light of day. Not being around others will stop them from losing themselves, that much is clear but what it won’t do is allow them to connect to anyone, and, being around others will stop them from being alone but as they hide their true self, they won’t be able to truly connect to anyone. The Ideal Now, if they didn’t have the need to isolate themselves and didn’t lose themselves around others, their life would be radically different. They would only need to isolate themselves if they chose to; it wouldn’t be something that they felt compelled to do. As for losing themselves, this wouldn’t be something that plagued their life either. If they did end up in a position where they didn’t feel as though it was possible for them to stay connected to themselves, they could stand their ground and/or simply walk away. Standing Firm When this is what takes place, it will show that they feel safe enough to assert themselves and feel comfortable being in their body. Thank to this, there is no reason for them to continually pull away from life or themselves. They will be able to do what they need to do to move forward, not backward and to stay connected to themselves, not to be disconnected. Right now, given how they currently experience life, this could seem like a pipe dream. The First Step However, as they are able to see what is going on, it will show that they have already taken a step in the right direction. Not only could they be experiencing life in this way but they could be completely oblivious when it comes to what is going on. Due to this, it wouldn’t be possible for them to do anything to change their life. Their life would continue to play out this way and, as a result, they would continue to suffer unnecessarily. Looking Back If they were to think about their life, what they may find is that this is how they have been for as long as they can remember. Consequently, this could just be seen as how their life will always be. Part of them may even believe that they were simply born this way and so there is nothing that they can do. Undoubtedly, if they are strongly identified with this part of them, they are unlikely to be filled with hope. A Life Sentence According to this part of them, they will just have to accept what is going on or at the very least to do their best to tolerate it. How they live life is unlikely to fill them with joy and a sense of empowerment, so tolerating the life that they lead is going to make them feel even worse. Fortunately, their life doesn’t have to stay this way forever, providing that they do what they need to do. Before this step is taken, though, the big question is: why is their life this way? Going Deeper Regardless of whether or not their childhood years were not very nurturing, what may have had the biggest impact on them is what took place during their infancy and toddlerhood. This may have been a time when they were often neglected. When they were not neglected, their caregivers might have seldom attuned to their needs and ended up overwhelming them. Therefore, due to a lack of bonding and the right attunement, they would have been deeply traumatised during this time. The Only Option Being left would have been deeply painful and receiving attention from unatunned caregivers would have also been just as painful. To handle this pain, they would have had to disconnect from themselves and go into a collapsed, shut down state. Not receiving the care or love that they needed would have also stopped them from being able to grow and develop. A number of associations would have been made, such as it is not safe enough for them to exist or to be in their body and that people are not safe. A Boundaryless State If, on the other hand, their caregivers had attuned to their needs and bonded with them, they would have learned that it was safe for them to be in their body and to exist. Their fellow human beings wouldn’t be seen as a threat either. Also, through having their needs acknowledged and met on a consistent basis, they would have started to develop a strong sense of self and boundaries; to get a sense of where they begin and end and where others begin and end. Yet, without the care and love that they needed, they wouldn’t have developed a strong sense of self or boundaries. The Outcome Back then, as will still be the case now, losing touch with themselves was the way for them to protect themselves from all of the overstimulation that they were experiencing. At this stage of their life, they were unable to speak up or find different caregivers – they were totally powerless. As they are now an adult and not a dependent, helpless infant or toddler, there is another way for them to experience life. Nonetheless, in order for them to know this at an emotional level, they will need to work through their emotional wounds and traumatic responses. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the same way a fence protects a garden, boundaries protect a human being. Not only will they stop someone from taking on responsibilities that are not theirs but they will also stop them from being mistreated.
Unlike walls, they will allow one to let the right people in and experience deeper connections with those who are healthy and trustworthy. Also, one will feel safe enough to express who they are, their true self, and make it clear when they don’t want to do something. Totally Essential If someone doesn’t have strong boundaries, then, their life is going to be far harder than it needs to be. It can be normal for them to take on what doesn’t belong to them and to feel exhausted. Further, they can agree to do things that they would rather not do, having the tendency to experience resentment as a result. Who they are, in all likelihood, is unlikely to see the light of day either. Used By not being able to protect themselves, it won’t matter if the people in their life actually want to take advantage of them, as this will take place anyway. If they themselves were to speak about what is going on for them, some of these people could be surprised. Still, there might be others who wouldn’t change even if one was to make it clear that they are being walked over. The main issue, however, will be that one doesn’t stand up for themselves. The Norm If one was to take a step back and to reflect on their life, they may see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Thanks to this, they might not believe that they have a choice, with them simply having to tolerate what is going on. But even if they don’t have this outlook, unless their behaviour changes, they will continue to wear themselves down. “Negative” feelings will continue to build inside them and they will continue to live a life that is anything but fulfilling. Going Deeper If they were to imagine standing their ground and saying no or making it clear that something is not their responsibility, for instance, they could end up experiencing fear and anxiety. As opposed to doing something that is right, it will be as though they are doing something that is wrong. This could be seen as a clear sign that they need to continue to behave in the same way and, if they don't, something bad will happen to them. This is not going to serve them; it will just make their life worse. Breaking Free Most likely, they will be desperate to embrace their true self and for this part of them to direct their life. Expressing who they are and making it clear when something isn’t right for them should be what feels comfortable and safe. As this is not the case, it will show that something isn’t right. If they were to go deeper into how they feel, when they imagine listening to themselves and acting as a separate individual, they could find that they fear being left. A Closer Look To understand why someone would have this experience, it will be necessary to take a deeper look into what may have taken place during their early years and the impact that this had on them. At this stage of their life, they might not have been able to freely express themselves. If they did, one or both of their parents may have ended up abandoning them. Therefore, if they expressed themselves, they would have ended up being left or sent to their room. Extreme Pain At a stage of their life when they were emotionally dependent, being left would have caused them to suffer greatly. They wouldn’t have been developed enough to handle this pain and would have ended up being overwhelmed by it. The only option available to them would have been to disconnect from their feelings. Over time, this would have created an inner divide, causing them to live on the surface of themselves. The Message What their caregiver/s would have indirectly told them was that if they acted like a nonentity and behaved how they wanted them to behave, they wouldn’t be left. But, if they acted as an individual, they would be left and forced to face the pain of being abandoned. When they experienced this pain, it probably would have felt like they were going to die, and as their intellect was underdeveloped, it may have felt as though it was an everlasting experience too. Naturally, then, pleasing their caregiver/s would have been seen as the only way for them to be connected to others and to avoid death. The past is present Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but the associations that were formed at this stage of their life will still be defining how they behave. Unconsciously, they will be projecting their early caregiver/s onto the people who they come into contact with as an adult. Once again, they will need to do what these people want; if they don’t, they will believe that they will be left and their life will come to an end. The truth is that what took place is now over and they survived. Awareness What one will be doing their best to avoid is not being left by others; it will be coming into contact with the pain that they experienced when they were left – what they fear has already happened. The pain that they had to repress at this stage of their life is held in their body and they will need to work through it. If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Boundaries: Do Some Peoples Childhoods Condition Them Up To Be Caught Up In Other People’s Lives?14/10/2020
It could be said that when someone is in balance, they will be there for themselves and they will be there for others. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they will neglect their own life when they are there for others, though.
In general, they could find time to be there for others without putting their own life to one side. Of course, there will be times when this isn’t possible and they have to put something on hold. Part of Life For example, if one is busy doing something and they were to receive a call from a friend or a family member who has been taken into hospital, they may need to go and see them straight away. They won’t be able to carry in with what they are doing but they will want to see them. This will be radically different to how it would be if they were endlessly caught up in what was taking place in their friends and family’s lives. Even if they were able to carry on as normal, their mind would be consumed by what is going on for someone else; making it hard for them to focus on what they are doing and to fully show up. A Different Scenario When someone experiences life in this way, and they are out of balance, it will be normal for them to neglect their own life. They can spend their time being there for others and, if they are not doing something for another person, they can be thinking about what is going on for them and what they can do for them. Through being so caught up in other people’s lives, they might not have much going on in their own life. In fact, they could be so caught up in another person’s life, that they might not even have a life. Another Part of Them One is then going to have their own life and their own needs and feelings, but it will be as though they are nothing more than an extension of others. Their ability to tune into the needs and feelings of others could be far better than their ability to tune into their own needs and feelings. Tuning into what is going on for another could just take place, without them even realising that they are doing it. As a result of this, it is not going to occur to them that they have lost touch with themselves and merged with another person. An Analogy It will be as though one will have their own plant but, instead of regularly watering their own plant, they will primarily water other people’s plants. Their plant won’t be dead but it won’t be in a good way either. Some of the plants that they water might do so well that they produce fruit, yet there certainly won’t ever be any fruit on their plant. However, in a lot of cases, the plants that they do water will probably just receive enough water to survive. Rescuing Others What this comes down to is that the support that they give to most people can just sustain the dramas that are taking place in their life. The people who they focus on can indirectly send out the message that they can’t take care of themselves and need to be saved. Thus, even if one does help them, it might not be long until there is another fire that needs to be put out, so to speak. It won’t matter how old the people are who they focus on as one will be more like a parental figure than their equal. An Exhausting Existence Rarely taking care of their own needs and focusing on the needs of others is naturally going to take a lot out of them. The approval that they receive from others might take the edge of some of their pain, at least for a while. Nonetheless, as the years go by and living in this way starts to take its toll, they could get to the point where they simply can’t carry on like this anymore. When they get to this stage, they might come to the conclusion that they need to focus on their own life and to let other people take responsibility for their own life. A Painful Time This will be the healthy thing for them to do; nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that this is something that will feel comfortable. Just the thought of focusing on themselves could fill them with guilt. Before they get to this point, it could take them a while to connect to their own needs. Considering that they will have spent so long focusing on other people’s needs, this is to be expected. Pulling Back Another thing they may find, as they start to refocus their attention, is that they experience a sense of loss. To no longer be so focused on others could cause them to feel as though they are losing themselves. Being there for others, then, will have provided them with an identity and without this identity, they won’t know who they are; at the same time, this could also show that they haven’t developed a sense of self. Their ego-mind will want them to carry on living in the same way as to this part of them, what is familiar is what is safe; to this part of them, it won’t matter that living in this way is not serving them. A Deeper Look The big question is: why would someone be this way? What this may illustrate is that their early years were a time when their developmental needs were rarely, if ever, met and they had to take care of their caregiver/s needs instead. Perhaps one of their caregivers was deeply troubled and completely incapable of being there for their child. Perhaps this caregiver was also used by their caregiver/s to fulfil their own needs. Role Reversal One would have needed to have their needs met so that they could develop in the right way but this wouldn’t have taken place. To handle this extremely challenging time of their life, one would have had to play the role of the caregiver. What they would have developed during this time is their ability to tune into another person’s world and to know what their needs and feelings are. This wouldn’t have been something that they consciously chose to do, it would have just happened. Awareness Being able to do this as a child would have made it easier for them to handle a very challenging time and minimised the amount of pain that they experienced; it was a very helpful ability. Now that they are an adult, they will need to learn when to use this ability and when to bring their attention back into their own body. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
On the one hand, there are boundaries and, on the other hand, there are walls. To gain an understanding of what the difference is, someone could think about these two things in a slightly different context.
When it comes to a property, a boundary will let other people know where the property begins and end, but it will still let the owner/s out and other people in. A wall, however, won’t let the owner/s out and it won’t let other people in. A Big Difference If someone has boundaries, then, they will be able to reach out to others and other people will be able to reach out to them. This will allow them to deeply connect to others and to experience intimacy. Additionally, if they do feel as though their ‘line’ has been crossed, they will be able to speak out and make this clear. Said another way, one won’t be totally defenceless; they will have the ability to protect themselves. Embracing Life Through being this way, it will enable them to make the most of the life that they have been given. There will be no need for them to sit on the sidelines and to watch other people live life. They will no, deep down, that if something happens that doesn’t feel right, they will be able to do something about it. Ultimately, they will feel safe enough to be here and safe enough to assert themselves. Deep Connections When it comes to their relationships, there could be a number of people in their life who they feel extremely close to. Naturally, having people like this in their life will have a positive effect on their mental and emotional health. Thanks to their inner sense of safety and ability to express themselves if something doesn’t feel right, they will be able to be vulnerable around the right people. This doesn’t mean that they won’t ever be hurt, though. Part of Life However, although they will have probably been hurt over the years, they may know that there is no alternative to living in this way. They could know that not letting anyone in would be far more painful. If they were to look back on their life, they may have more or less always had good boundaries. Then again, they may have been a point in time when they were unable to let anyone in. A Very Different Reality If someone has walls, instead of boundaries, they won’t be able to let anyone into their life. This will stop them from being able to deeply connect to others, which will stop them from experiencing intimacy. One will be an interdependent human being, but they will act as though they are an independent human being. So as they are going against their own nature and ignoring a lot of their needs, they are bound to suffer. Watching Life Unlike the person who has boundaries, they won’t be able to embrace life; they will have to watch life from the sidelines. What they may find is that they are used to feeling cut-off, lonely and down. If there are moments when their need to connect to others appears, they could soon suppress it. Reaching out to others won’t be something that feels comfortable and denying this need won’t be comfortable either. A Different Scenario This doesn’t mean that there won’t ever be moments when they do reach out to others, but when this does happen, they could soon regret it. They could end up doing something that they would rather not do, causing them to feel walked over in the process. What takes place will end up validating their belief that they need to keep everyone at a distance. Undoubtedly, this is no way to live and one will need to do something about what is taking place. A Closer Look If someone believes that they need walls to protect themselves, it may illustrate that they were violated during their early years. At this stage of their life, they may have been treated as though they were just an extension of their caregiver/s. As a result, it wouldn’t have mattered whether they wanted to do something or not or how they felt, as their reality would have been disregarded. This would have stopped them from developing a sense of safety and security and set them up to believe that it wasn’t safe enough for them to exist. The Only Option Through having these experiences, they would have come to believe that they can only survive if they keep people at a distance; if this doesn’t take place, they will lose themselves and even be annihilated. Moreover, emotionally shutting down and disconnecting from their need to connect to others will have been something that happened in order to stop them from being overwhelmed by what was going on. Many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but they will still carry the beliefs that they created and the trauma that they experienced. What is taking place inside them will create a resonance and this resonance will define what they experience. Awareness For their life to change, they will need to change what they believe and to work through their trauma. By doing this, what they are resonating will change and this will allow their reality to change. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although there can be moments in just about everyone’s life when they act as though another person is an extension of themselves, there are some people that act in this way practically all of the time. This could be seen as the difference between not having a disorder and having one.
The reason for this is that it is usually when someone displays a certain trait, or a number of traits, on a consistent basis that they will be labelled as having something wrong with them. So if someone does have moments when they are unable to see that another person is separate from them, it could mean that they will sometimes tell other people what to do with their life. A Short Experience When this takes place, another person could go along with what they say or they could end up pushing back. If this person doesn’t stand their ground, one might not realise that they are doing anything wrong. Perhaps the other person has a weak sense of self, which stops them from being aware of when they are being walked over. If, on the other hand, this person does stand their ground, one might soon realise that they are doing something wrong and they could even apologise. The Exception With someone like this, then, it will only be something that happens from time to time. There is then going to be no reason for this person to be labelled as having some kind of personality disorder. Still, this doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t end up being labelled as having one by someone else. After watching how they have behaved, another person could conclude that this is how they always behave. Faulty Thinking This may show that this person has the tendency to see things as being either black or white, or this could be something that happens from time to time. Just as in the example above, just about everyone sees things as being black and white at times, but it is when someone has the inclination to see life in this way that they may be labelled as having a disorder. If someone’s behaviours were viewed in isolation and they were then labelled after everything they did, they would most likely end up being diagnosed as having an endless list of disorders. The antidote to this would be to not pay too much attention to how someone has behaved in one moment and to pay attention to how they behave over a certain period of time, as this will enable them to come to a more accurate conclusion. A Way of Life However, if someone doesn’t see other people as an extension of themselves from time to time, it might be appropriate to say that they have a disorder. It can be more or less impossible for someone like this to realise that other people are separate beings. Ergo, other people are generally not going to be seen as having their own needs, feelings and preferences, for instance. They will just be seen as objects that exist to fulfil ones needs. A Challenging Time If someone like this does have people in their life, these people might be used to being walked over on a regular basis. What is clear is that these people are unlikely to feel seen and heard. It could be normal for someone like this to feel angry, frustrated, powerless and invisible after they have been in ones company. They could find it hard to comprehend why one behaves in this way. The Only Option There is the chance that this person has been this way for a very long time. It might then be a good idea for another person to limit the amount of time that they spend with them or to cut their ties with them. This can be hard to do if someone feels comfortable being around them. If this is so, it could be a sign that they were also brought up by a least one person who saw them as an extension of themselves. A Closer Look If this person has been this way for a very long time, there is the chance that they didn’t receive the care that they needed during their early years in order to develop in the right way. What this comes down to is that a baby sees everyone and everything as an extension of itself – it is unable to see itself as a separate being. Yet, providing the baby receives the right care and continues to do so when it grows into a child, it will gradually develop a sense of self. If this doesn’t happen, the baby will grow into a child and then it will grow from a child into an adult, but it will be developmentally stunted. Even Closer Not only will this person be extremely undeveloped, they are also likely to carry a hell of a lot of pain in their body. Not having their needs met throughout their early years would have caused them to suffer immensely. This was probably a time when they experienced a lot of shame and felt totally powerless and helpless. Someone like this can then come across as some kind of monster, but deep inside them is likely to be a wounded child. Awareness If someone can relate to this, and they are willing to do something about their life, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group, for instance. As there is a lot of emotional pain inside them, it is not going to be possible for them to work through it all in one go. This will be a gradual process; if it is rushed, the pain inside them could overwhelm them. Having said that, there is the chance that a number of defences will need to be removed before one can even get in touch with how they feel. These defences will have stopped the emotional pain that is inside them from wiping them out.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are a number of elements that make up ones experience of reality, and these include what they see, hear and smell. What also play an important part are their feelings and thoughts.
When it comes to what they see, hear and smell, these are going to be things that other people will also be able to relate to. So if one was to talk about what is going on around them to another person, they will be able connect to what they are saying. No Different The other person will most likely be able to see, hear and smell the same things; it won’t be as if one is talking about something that can only be experience with a special headset. If another person was unable relate to their experience, it could show that one of their senses is impaired in some way. For example, one will hear something, yet another person won’t be able to hear the same thing due to being deaf. Or, another person’s eye sight might not be very good, preventing them from seeing something. Very Different However, when it comes to the thoughts and feelings that one has, another person won’t always be able to relate to what is going on within them. What is going on externally could be seen as being objective, while what is taking place within them can be seen as being subjective. Taking this into account, it is to be expected that another person won’t always experience the same things internally as they do. Still, this doesn’t mean that another person will end up telling them that their inner experience is incorrect. Close Friends When one expresses how they feel or shares their thoughts with the people in their life, they could generally be happy to listen to what they have to say. One is then not going to be told that they shouldn’t feel as they do or have their feelings disregarded. Their thoughts will also been given consideration as opposed to being invalidated or dismissed. This doesn’t mean that the people in their life won’t ever question what they come out with, but this is not going to be the same as completely overlooking their inner reality. Another Area If they are in a relationship with someone who behaves in this way, it is undoubtedly going to enhance their life. Through having a partner like this, they are likely to feel seen and heard. This will cause them to feel as though their partner values and respects them, which will mean that they will be more likely to serve their partner. One is also going to want to return the favour and to be for their partner in this way. The Odd Occasion This, of course, doesn’t mean that one won’t ever spend time around people who don’t respond to them in this way. But, through having so many people in their life who don’t behave in this way, it is unlikely to have much of an impact on them. Being treated in this way is going to feel uncomfortable, and how they respond could depend on a number of different factors. If this was to take place where they work, they could speak out and if this doesn’t work, they might even walk away from the job. Another Scenario For someone else, they might find it hard to imagine what their life would be like if the people in their life actually paid attention to what is taking place within them. This could be a common occurrence when they are at work, too. One could find that, in general, whenever they open up about how they feel or what they are thinking, what they share is invalidated or dismissed. Another person is not going to walk over their body, yet they will be walking over their reality. Closed Down As a result of this, they may find that they often keep what is going for them to themselves. One is then going to be hiding their true-self, but it will be a way for them to protect themselves from pain. It might not even occur to them that they don’t need to experience life in this way and that there are people out there that won’t disregard their reality. This can be due to how long they have experienced life in this way for. The Early Foundations There is the chance that their early years were a time when their inner world was largely ignored. Perhaps their caregivers were too consumed by their own needs and were unable to see them as a separate individual. It would have been as if their purpose was to fulfil their caregiver’s needs and to have the same inner experience. The outcome of this is that one would have come to believe that their inner experience didn’t matter and that it wasn’t safe for them to express what was taking place within them. A New Beginning For their life to change, one will need to realise that what is taking place within them does matter and they will need to feel safe enough to express what is taking place within them. When these two components are in place, they will no longer want to spend time around people who disregard their inner world. There will be beliefs that they will need to change and they may even be carrying trauma that needs to be resolved. If they were physically abused during their early years, it would have traumatised their system. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone wants to do something, they can say yes, and, if they don’t, they can say no. Both of these words are going to be important; one word won’t be more important than the other.
When someone can use both of these words, there will be no reason for them to have the tendency to ignore their own needs. Being able to pay attention to their own needs is also going to have a positive effect on their wellbeing. The Right Approach They will treat themselves with respect, and this is something that other people will pick up on in one way or another. It will be clear that they are not willing to neglect themselves just to please another person. Clearly, if they were to do this, it would create the impression that they don’t really value themselves. Consequently, there would be no reason for other people to respect them either. Both Ways Most of the people in this person’s life are also likely to be able to use both of these words, too. So, when one says no, it won’t be as though this is something that these people are not familiar with. There will be moments when these people don’t want to do something, thus, they won’t expect one to always say yes either. This doesn’t mean that this won’t annoy them from time to time; what it means is that they will realise that everyone has their own needs. An Individual If one didn’t have their own needs, there would be no reason for them to say no to other people. Instead, they could say yes all the time and it wouldn’t have a negative impact on their life. One would then be nothing more than an extension of others, which would mean that other people would know what is best for them. But, as they are a separate human being and their needs are not always going to match up with someone else’s needs, they will be times when they have to say no. Standing Firm If they end up in a situation where another person is unable to accept their decision, there will be no need for them to cave in. The other person could try to make them feel bad or even threaten them, for instance. In this case, they will be able to stick by what they have said and to walk away if it is necessary. There is the chance that this person lacks boundaries, with this being the reason why they are unable to respect another person’s boundaries. The Best Option If they had said yes, it may have allowed them to avoid pain, at least in the short-term. Even so, this would have caused them to overlook their own needs, and there would have been other consequences. Not only would they have done something that they didn’t want to do, but they would also have paid the price emotionally. Their self-esteem would have taken a hit, too, and this may have made it harder for them to respect themselves. A Different Experience When someone finds it hard to stand their ground and to say no, it is going to be normal for them to do things that they don’t really want to do. They will be used to neglecting the most important person in their life – themselves. Therefore, even though they are an individual, it will be as if they are merely an extension of others. They will do whatever they can do make sure that they meet others people’s needs, whilst disregarding their own. Worn Down Someone like this may often find themselves around the wrong people, along with doing things that they would rather not do. This will have an effect on their mental and emotional health - it might even have a negative effect on their body. Behaving in this way is going to make it incredibly difficult for them to feel good about themselves. If only they could start saying no, it would give them the chance to gradually transform their life. An Automatic Reaction What they may find – if they were able to take a step back and to look into why they say yes without considering their own needs - is that behaving in this way is what feels comfortable. If they were to start saying no, they might end up being overwhelmed with fear. Ergo, saying yes all the time will have a negative effect on their life, but this will be seen as being the lesser of two evils. If they were to take an even deeper look into what is gong on within them, they may find that they fear they will be harmed and/or abandoned if they listen to their own needs. Way Back It might be hard for them to understand why they would feel this way, but, what this is likely to show is that it wasn’t safe for them to listen to their own needs during the beginning of their life. Perhaps this was a time when they had to pay attention to their caregivers needs. A role reversal would then have taken place, whereby they had to behave like a caregiver and their caregiver’s behaved like children. This would have stopped their developmental need from being met. Awareness If someone can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone is in a position where they find it hard to stand their ground and to pay attention to their needs and feelings, they could come to believe that they need to become more assertive. As a result of this, they could end up taking part in some kind of assertiveness training.
The Next Step Through taking this approach, one may find that it is only a matter of time before their life changes. What could be classed as a ‘behavioural approach’, will have been exactly what was required. Then again, this might not have much of an effect on their behaviour; it could still be a challenge for them to assert themselves. Alternatively, one might not even feel comfortable enough to take part in something like this. The Ideal When someone has boundary problems, it is going to be essential for them to do something about it. This is then no different to how it would be vital for someone to do something if they had a physical problem. But while this is the case, someone might not even reach out for support, let alone take part in some kind assertiveness training. What this is likely to come down to is that experiencing life in this way can be what is normal. Way Back If one as to look back on their life, they might find it hard to remember a time when their life was different. Experiencing life in this way is likely to cause them to feel angry and frustrated from, but that might as far as it goes. Yet, although they might think about what happens when they are around others and get annoyed about it, this is not going to have much of an effect on what takes place when they are around others. When they are around others, they could soon lose touch with their needs and feelings and to what other people want. Walked Over Now, this could mean that one often ends up doing things that they don’t really want to do, or it could be far worse. They could be in a relationship with someone who abuses them and/or they could have friends who are the same. Therefore, when they are around someone who is like this, it is not going to be possible for them to be themselves. Instead of being aware of what is going on within them and aware of what is going one externally, their focus will be on what is going on externally. Out of Balance This will show that one is in their mind as opposed to in their body, which is why they will be hyper vigilant. One will be on the lookout for danger, and this is going to stop them from being able to relax and to experience inner peace. Focusing completely on what is taking place externally will be a way for them to try to stop something bad from happening. One could then be used to experiencing a lot of stress, but they could be so used to being this way that they don’t even realise they are stressed. Another Symptom There is then a strong chance that their life is not going to be very fulfilling. They could have a job that is not in alignment with their true needs, or they might not allow themselves to progress. One is unlikely to feel as though they have much of an effect on their environment, and this could mean that they will be used to feeling powerless and helpless. Yet, if one is used to living in their head and doesn’t have a good connection with their body, this is to be expected. Disconnected It might be hard for some people to understand how a human being could be out of touch with their body; after all, it is part of them. But while this might sound odd to some, one will know what this is all about. Staying in their body when they are around others is going to be a challenge, with this being the reason why they will lose touch with their feelings and needs. Their main priority will be to survive, and pleasing others will be a way for them to do this. Self-Harm The trouble is that in order to please others, they will need to neglect themselves in the process. One is then not working with themselves, they are working against themselves, and this is not natural. It is unlikely that one was born this way though - that is unless their time in the womb wasn’t very pleasant, for instance. What this can show is that there was a time in their life when they experienced trauma. In The Beginning This could relate to what has happened in their adult life and/or it could go back to what happened to them when they were growing up. If it does relate to their early years, it could mean that they were abused and/or neglected. Their system would have been overwhelmed by these experiences, which would have pushed them out of their body. Staying in their body wouldn’t have felt safe; they would have had to disconnect from it. Awareness Until this trauma is dealt with, it is going to be a challenge for them to stay in their body and to assert themselves. The assistance of a therapist or a healer is likely to be needed here.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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