If one wanted to find somewhere to eat or they wanted to buy some new clothes, for instance, there is a strong chance that they will either use their device or they might go out and look for somewhere. One might choose the first option if they are somewhere they haven’t been before and they are in a rush, for instance.
But if they are somewhere that is familiar to them and they are not in a rush, they might just end up choosing the second option. When this happens, it could be said that they will be relying on themselves. In The Past However, if one wanted to find somewhere in the past, they may have looked through a paper, and if this this option wasn’t available, they would have had to go out and look for themselves. Along with this, they could also have asked someone else where something was. One way of looking at this would be to say that they were more dependent on other sources of information. Nowadays, one doesn’t need to look in a paper or to talk to anyone else, and they don’t need to waste their time looking for somewhere either. The Contrast So if one was around when it wasn’t possible for them to access the internet on a device, they are going to know how different it was. Therefore, while they may use a device to find things, they may still have moments where they think about how their life used to be. Whereas if one wasn’t around during this time, they are not going to know what it is like to experience life differently. But if they do, it could be something that they have experienced when their device was being repaired. Their Experience This is not the only thing that has changed in today’s world; the other thing that has changed is that one can also hare their experience online by using social media. Before, one would have generally shared their experience with the people they knew. As a result of this, their experience would only have been shared with a small number of people. This is not to say that it would have stayed this way, as the people they told could also have ended up telling other people. A Big Difference Nowadays, not only can they share their experience with the people they know; they can also share it online. And while this means that they will still be sharing it with people they know, it also means that they will be sharing it with people they don’t know. This is because it is not uncommon for people to have ‘friends’ or ‘followers’ who they haven’t actually met. And even if they have met them, it doesn’t mean that they actually know them. Thousands of People One can then share something they have experienced at a restaurant, coffee shop or a garage, for instance, and it might only be a matter of time before thousands of people know about what took place. In fact, it could mean that millions of people read about what has happened and this is because other people can share their status. But even if they were to simply ‘like’ their status or to leave a comment, it can still lead to the same outcome. Along with this, there is also the chance that a media outlet will come across their experience and end up sharing it with millions of people. Bad News Sells It is well known that if one has a bad experience, they are more likely to share it than if they had a good experience. Based on this, it could be said that one is more likely to share a negative experience online. There is also a greater chance of the media sharing an experience if it is negative, and this is because they know how the human mind works. So through sharing their experience online, they are likely to feel as though they are getting their own back, and the support they get from others could be the icing on the cake, so to speak. An Emotional Response If one shares their experience almost straight away and doesn’t take the time to settle themselves down, it could be said that they are being controlled by their emotions. It is then not going to be possible for them to think about what kind of effect this might have on them and the business they are complaining about. Also, when someone else reads what they have shared, they could also have an emotional reaction. So even if one has made something up it might not matter, and this is because some of the people who read it are not going to take the time to think about what they are reading, and they might not even take the time to see if what they are reading about actually took place. Jump This is then going to be similar to one person telling another to jump and without thinking, they end up jumping. One way of looking at this would be to say that they have lost their self-control and that they are being controlled by someone else. Thinking But even if they were not making it up and they wanted to share something that took place, they could take the time to reflect on what they are trying to achieve. And this is because once something goes online; it can end up having a negative effect on a business. Now, if one is in an emotional state, this could be the last thing on their mind; in fact they may hope that this is something that does take place. However, if this was to happen, a number of people might end up losing their jobs and the business could even go out of business, and this would mean that even more people would be out of a job. Conclusion As to how many people would lose their job can all depend on: if it is a small business or a business that is based in a number of locations. Thus, if one was to empathise with the person or the business that let them down, they might decide to take a different approach. Through seeing how much damage they could do through sharing their experience online, they might decide to speak to the person or the business that is at fault. This will then give them the opportunity to deal with what has taken place without destroying a business in the process.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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If a teacher one was to come across a group of students and they were to ask them what they wanted to be when they are older, there is the chance that a number of them would have the same answer. It could be said that this is to be expected, and this is because they are at an age where they are still finding themselves, so to speak.
As a result of this, it can be a time where they are more likely to be influenced by the people around them. Their need to fit in can stop them from taking the time to think about what it is that they actually want to do. The Answer During this time, a number of them may say that they want to be famous when they are older. Upon hearing this, one could wonder why this is seen as the ideal; especially as it is usually something that someone achieves through doing something else. For instance, if one wanted to be a singer, actor, presenter or a sports star, there is the chance that they would end up being famous. Yet even if this is was to occur, it would be something that is simply a by-product of what they do. The Other Way Around So while there could be people who want to do things that might lead to fame; there are going to be others who are want do something because there is the chance that it might lead to fame. Therefore, they might not care about what it is they do as long as they end up being famous. The fact that they are willing to overlook a fulfilling career in order of be famous will show how important this is for them. But if they were to mention this to the students who want to be famous, they may tell them that this is something that will fulfil them. Nowadays And what this shows is how much the world has changed, and how being famous is often seen as something that will lead to fulfilling life. Along with this, it is no longer seen as something that one can attain through achieving something else; it is seen as something they can attain without having to achieve anything. The reason so many people have this outlook is because there are so many people who are famous in today’s world that haven’t really achieved anything. And while some people will look at these kinds of people and wonder why they are in the public eye; there will be others who will have a different outlook. Inspiration Even though the people who have a different outlook can still be a school; they could also be in a position where they have left school a number of years ago. What this shows is that being famous is something that will appeal to people of all ages. So when one has a different outlook, they can look at the people who are in the public eye for no apparent reason and feel inspired. For if they can do it, then there is going to be no reason why one can’t also do it. Half and Half This is not to say they will always feels good when they see someone like this is in the public eye, as it there could also be moments where they experience resentment. During these moments, they may wonder why they are not the ones who are famous. They could look at someone who is famous and ask themselves why they are where they are and they might believe that they have more to offer. This would then be a sign that one is comparing themselves with the other person, and while this is going to have a negative effect on how they feel; it might provide them with even more motivation. A Closer Look When someone wants to be famous, it is often said that this is because they feel ignored in life. They are living a life where they don’t feel acknowledged and through being famous, they believe that they will finally get the attention and appreciation that they deserve. In this sense, one will be going from one extreme to the other, and it is then clear to see why they would want to be famous. Through experiencing life in this way, they can believe that their life will be perfect. Why Is This? If one feels ignored in life and they believe that the only way this is going to change is through being famous, it could be a sign that they are in a lot of pain. This could then mean that they have experienced life in this way for most of their life. Whereas if this was something that took place from time to time; they might not feel the need to be famous. And this is because it is part of the human experience for one to have moments where they are ignored. Childhood There is the chance that their childhood years were a time where they were abused and/neglected in some way, and this would have then caused them to feel as though they are invisible. Their developmental needs would not have been met and this would have caused them to experience a lot of pain. This pain can then give them the fuel they need to become famous, and through being famous, one may believe that they will finally get what they missed out on during their childhood. However, although what took place during their childhood years is likely to play a part, it is not the only factor. Society What can also play a part is the society that one lives in, as although one can be surrounded by people, it doesn’t mean that they won’t feel ignored. For example, it can be normal for one to go out without being acknowledged by anyone. On one hand, this can because the people who work in certain places don’t bother to give them eye contact, and on the other hand, it can be because the people who are around them are too caught up with their Smartphone’s. There is also the chance that they live in a society that is full of ‘individuals’ and this can mean that a sense of community no longer exists. Family Breakdown But not only can one feel like just another number, they can also be in a position where they no longer have the support of their family. Their parents may have split up, for instance and their family could also be scattered all over the place. So the kind of support and acknowledgment that the family unit would have provided in the past is then no longer there. It could then be said that through being famous, one may believe that they will be able to create a community where they will get the support that they are not getting in their day-to-day life. Conclusion If one is in a position where they feel ignored, it will be important for them to look into why this is. While they may believe that being famous will give them what they need; there is a strong chance that it won’t, and it might end up creating even more problems. On one hand, they might have a lot of emotional pain to process if they were abused and/or neglected during their younger years, and on the other hand, they might need to develop fulfilling relationships with others. Through doing this, the people they are close to will provide them with the acknowledgment that they need. This pain can be processed with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
There are a number of reasons why one would want to be in a relationship with someone, and while they might be aware of these reasons, there is also the chance that they won’t be. At the same time, they might be aware of one of the reasons why they want to be with someone else.
In Touch When one is aware of why they want to be in a relationship, it could be said that they are in touch with themselves. Not only are they going to know why they want to be with someone; they are also going to have the ability to tell others why this is. And because they know why, it might be easier for them to find someone who wants the same thing as they do. As a result of this, there is the chance that their relationship will be far more fulfilling. Out of Touch If, on the other hand, one just feels the need to be in a relationship, it could be said that they are out of touch with themselves. Not only are they not going to know why this is, it will also mean that they won’t be able to tell others. There is then a strong chance that one will also end up with someone who has the same approach as they do. In the beginning of a relationship they might feel as though they have met the right person but as time passes, they might wonder what is going on. In The Middle However, one could also be in a position where they do have an idea of why they want to be in a relationship. If this is the case, they could say that they don’t want to be alone any more, or that they want someone to do things with. Once again, they could also end up with someone who has the same or a similar reason for wanting to be in a relationship. They could soon find that they are single again, or that they are in a relationship that they won’t want to be in. Different Reasons And while one person will want to be in a relationship to avoid how they feel, there are going to be others who want to be a relationship to grow. This is not to say they don’t want someone to share their life with; what it means it that they are looking for more than just a companion. They will have the need to be with someone who will inspire them to grow as a human being and they will also want to inspire another person in the same way. This will then be a relationship where each person is there to support the other. Encouragement Therefore, this will be a relationship where two people are growing as opposed to a relationship where one person is moving forward and the other is staying as they are. One way of looking at this would be to say that they are there to make each other’s journey on this planet a little bit easier. This could also be described as a conscious relationship and this is because each person is aware of why they are with the other person. So when it comes to the pain that they need to heal or the challenges they need to work through, there is a greater chance of them taking responsibility for what arises. Avoidance When one ends up in a relationship to avoid themselves, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that it is a conscious relationship. Ultimately, it will be about one person using the other to take their pain away. The person they end up with will then allow them to keep their pain at bay, and they might not want them to change. Each of them is then playing a role and this is likely to be a role that they feel comfortable with. One Dynamic One could be the person who comes across as highly capable and this means they might end up with someone who acts incapable. They can then come to believe that it is their job to rescue the other. Alternatively, one could be the complete opposite and see themselves as someone who is incapable; it can then mean that they will end up with someone who is there to rescue them. And all the time the other person plays the opposite role, the relationship will continue to play out. Growth However, if one person was to change, it can end up having a negative effect on the other person. This is because if one was to play the role of someone who is capable or incapable, they are only going to be attracted to someone who plays the opposite role. That is unless both of them were to change at the same time; but when this doesn’t take place, they can end up feeling repelled by the other person. What this comes down so is that in order for this kind of relationship to work, each person needs to stay the same. For Example So if one was the person who was there to rescue the other person and they were no longer willing to play this role; the other person could end up looking for someone else to rescue them. And if they were the one who looked to the other person to rescue them and they were to grow out of this role, the other person could go and look for someone else to rescue. A Healthy Relationship Unless one no longer wants to be rescued or to rescue others, it is not going to be possible for them to have a healthy relationship. When one plays one of these roles, it is likely to be a sign that their needs were not met during their younger years. The way they behave as an adult can then be a way for them to get what they didn’t get during their childhood years. This is something that is not going to work through, and this is partly because the people they attract are just as wounded as they are. Awareness It is also due to the fact that it is not going to be possible for another adult to meet the needs that were not met during their childhood years. Their unmet childhood need will be to be grieved, and this is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When two people get together they often find that they each bring something different to the relationship. So while one person might be really good at something; the other person might not have the same ability.
But this doesn’t mean that this will apply to everything, as there is a strong chance that the other person will be able to do something that they can’t do. In this sense, it could be said that each of them is adding something to the other person’s life. One Level On one hand, this could mean that one person is a really good chef, or they might know how to repair a car, for instance. The other person might know how to help people to lose weight and to gain their ideal physique, or they might know how to produce videos, for instance. As a result of this, each person will be bringing something different to the table; however, this doesn’t mean that one person is any more developed than the other. The only thing it shows is that they both have different interests in life. Normal In today’s world there are numerous dating sites, and there is the chance that one will be able to join a dating site that is provided for people who have a certain interest. Based on this, it would be easy to come to the conclusion that having the same interest is the only thing that is necessary to have a fulfilling relationship. Yet just because two people have the same thing in common, it doesn’t mean they will actually get on with each other. So when two people are together and their interests are different, it shows that there is something else that is keeping them together. Values It could be said when two people have the same values; it will be a lot easier for them to have a fulfilling relationship. This is not to say that there won’t be things that both of them enjoy doing; what it comes down to is that the values they have in common will provide the glue that keeps them together. Another Level And if they were to look at another level of their relationship, they may find that while one of them is good at organising things, the other person isn’t. Along with this, one of them might be more emotional and the other could be more analytical. But once again, it could be said that regardless of whether this is the case or whether there are other differences, it doesn’t mean that one person is more developed than the other. It could just be put down to the fact that human beings have different ability’s and ways of responding to life. A Bit of Both Yet although one of them might be more emotional than the other, it doesn’t mean that they are intellectually undeveloped. And it doesn’t mean they are emotionally undeveloped if they are more analytical. However, if this was the case, then there is a strong chance that there would be an imbalance in the relationship. One might then describe the other person as being too emotional, or they could say that they don’t show how they feel. One Reason It has been said that one of the reason why two people end up together is to allow them to heal their pain. In this sense, the less pain one has the greater chance they have of attracting someone who is a healthy human being. So as this is one reason why two people are brought together, it is to be expected that there are going to be challenges. The main thing is that each person is prepared to work through the challenges that arise. The Willingness When they are willing to do this, there will be less chance of each person blaming the other for their shortcomings. They will take responsibility for what takes place and this will then allow them to grow as a couple and as individuals. Through taking this approach, one person is not going to see themselves as being in a superior position to the other. If they did, it wouldn’t be possible for them to grow, and this is because the other person would be seen as the one with all the issues. Another Dynamic But with that aside, one can be in position where they always end up with people who are not as developed as they are. And so regardless of what they need to work on (that’s if they are aware of what they need to work on); it may appear to pale in comparison to what their partner needs to work on. In fact, they may feel as though they are in a relationship with someone who is more like their child. This is something that other people could also notice, and they could say that they are more like their partners parent. One-Sided Their relationship is then going to be very one-side and this could cause one to experience a lot of anger and frustration. Through doing what they can to educate or look after their partner, it is likely to mean that their needs are rarely, if ever, met. Being with someone like this can cause one to feel a sense of superiority, but at the same time, it can also cause them to suffer unnecessarily. But while one can believe that they have no control over what is taking place, this is nothing more than an illusion. A Deeper Look If one was to take a deeper look within themselves, they are likely to see that they don’t feel comfortable with their own needs. They may also find that although they come across as though they are full of confidence, this is nothing more than a mask. Therefore, at a deeper level, they can feel just as incapable as the people they end up with. The primary difference is that while the other people reveal this side of them to others; one hides this side from others. Their Early Years During their early years, there is the chance that they had to take care of their caregivers needs. And while this would have meant that their needs were generally overlooked, it would also have meant that it gave them a false sense of empowerment. Through looking after other people, it would have allowed them to disconnect from the toxic shame that they experienced due to having needs and to create a false-self. It is then not that their needs were overlooked and they are worthless; it is that they don’t have needs and they are more capable than others. Awareness So in order for one to attract people who at the same level as they are, they will need to let go of their false-self and to heal the pain that is within them. Through doing this, they will gradually begin to feel comfortable with their own needs and they will then feel safe enough to reveal them. This can be a time where one will be grieving their unmet childhood needs, discharging the toxic shame that is within them and receiving the positive regard that they missed out on. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group is likely to be needed here.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there are some people who like to wake up early, there are other people who don’t. If one does like to wake up early, they could describe themselves as a ‘morning person’, and this is likely to mean that they generally find it easy to wake up.
And when they do, they could feel as though they are ready to embrace the day; it could then be said that their batteries have been recharged, so to speak. There is then going to be no reason for them to stay in bed any longer. Alternatively When one doesn’t like to wake up early, they are generally going to find that they function better if they wake up later. They might even describe themselves as a ‘night owl’ and find that they have more energy towards the end of the day. Therefore, if they have to wake up early, they are unlikely to be the kind of person who wants to talk to others. They can find that it takes them a while before they are able to function, and if other people were to spend time with them during the early hours of the day, they may say that they are moody. Finding the Right Fit Thus, if one finds it easy to wake up early, it could be said that they will be a good fit for a career where it is necessary for them to wake up early. Through doing this, they will be working with themselves and this can then allow them to have a more fulfilling career. Whereas if they were in a position where it wasn’t necessary for them to work until later in the day, they may find that they are unable to take advantage of some of their most productive hours. It could then be said that the sooner they change their circumstances, the better their life will be. The Other Experience And if one finds that that they can’t handle early mornings and that their energy comes in as the day passes, it will be a good idea for them to find the right career. They will then be working with themselves and they could then have a career that is far more fulfilling. But if they were in a position where they had get up early to start work, they can find that they are not taking advantage of some of their most productive hours. So unless they change their circumstances, they might miss out on the chance to make their life better. Other Factors However, even though one might not be doing something that allows them to wake up at the right time, it doesn’t mean that they can just do something else. It could be a time in their life where they have other priorities. For example, if one has young children, they may have a job where they start early and then finish early, and it might not matter what time of the day they feel productive. In this case, they may find that it might be better for them to start their own business, for instance. Sleep But regardless of whether someone is a morning person or not, there is also going to be a difference when it comes to how many hours they need. It has been said that most people need about eight hours sleep. Yet it is clear that some people don’t need as long as this and there are going to be others who need even longer. Also, there are going to be people who prefer to sleep in two four-hour blocks. Time When one goes to bed, they may find that it doesn’t take them very long to get to sleep, or they may find that it takes a while for this to happen. If they are able to get to sleep without too much time passing, they may find that they generally wake up feeling fine. Alternatively, if it takes them a while to get to sleep at night the opposite could be true. In this case, they could feel as though they haven’t even slept, and it will then be normal for them to want to sleep for even longer. Drained They can end up feeling drained and it can then be a challenge for them to function. If this was something that took place every now and then it might not be seen as a problem, but if it was something that took place on a regular basis, they will have a greater need to look in why this is happening. They may find that the reason they can’t get to sleep at night is because they have lot going on in their life. Or it could be a sign that they need to engage in some kind of exercise or to look into their diet, for instance. Another Occurrence However, while one may find that they feel drained when they wake up because it takes them a while to get to sleep; they may feel this way even when they can get to sleep. And then as the day passes, they may find that they start to feel better. It is then going to be similar to someone who hasn’t played a certain sport for a while; in the beginning they might not be very good but as time passes, they may begin to improve. Once they get towards the end of the session, they might have forgotten all about how they were before. Depressed One may even say that they feel depressed, and this is because they could feel down, hopeless, and as though they haven’t got what it takes to face the day. But if they start to feel better as the day goes on, they might find it hard to understand what is going on. When one wakes up, they are likely to be in touch with their body, but as time passes, they can be more in touch with what is taking place in their mind. So if one has an emotional build-up in their body, they can be in touch with it when they wake up and then as the day passes, they can end up losing touch with how they feel. Emotional Build-Up Through losing touch with how they feel one can then come to believe that the pain they experienced when they woke up has disappeared. At the same time, they may be only too aware of the the fact that they are likely to feel the same the next time they wake up. Ultimately, the pain they experience when they wake up doesn’t disappear as the day goes on; it just ends up being repressed. So until they are able to process the emotional build-up that is within them, they might not be able to change how they feel when they wake up. Awareness The reason one has an emotional build-up could be because they haven’t taken the time to grieve a loss or a number of losses in their life. This could be the loss of a loved one or it could relate to the pain that they experienced through not getting their developmental needs met during their child years, amongst other things. If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where they will be crying out the pain that is within them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When one feels comfortable with their own feelings, it will give them the ability to open up to others. In fact, it could be said that it will be normal for this to take place, and this is going to mean that their relationships are likely to be far more fulfilling than they would be if this wasn’t the case.
This is not to say that they will open up to everyone they know, as they are likely to realise that this is not something that will always be appropriate. While there will be people who will be able to hear what they have to say; there will be others who won’t. For Example Another way of looking at this would be say that just because one feels comfortable in their own house; it doesn’t mean that they will have anyone inside. They will know that it is important for them to look after their own property. If one was to simply let anyone inside, it would be the same as them opening up to someone without seeing if it is safe for them to do so. What this comes down to is that not only can their properly be harmed, they can also be harmed. Generally When it comes to the people they do open up to, this could relate to family, friends and their partner if they have one. These will be people who they feel comfortable with and this means there will be no reason for them to not open up. And as one can open up to them, it will also mean that they will also be able to open up about what is taking place for them. If this wasn’t the case, the relationship they have with the other person would be out of balance. Out of Balance Whereas if one expected other people to listen to what they have to say but they were unwilling to return the favour, they would be out of balance. It might then be normal for other people to describe them as being self-absorbed. Through behaving in this way, one would be saying that they are more important than others and this is why they don’t need to listen to them. Another way of looking at it would be to say that they are so caught up in their own life, that they don’t think about how others are doing; this may also show that they lack empathy. Give and Take Through being there for someone else, they are showing that they not only value what they have to say, but that they value them as a person. One is then no better or worse than them; they are on the same level. This is not to say there won’t be moments where one listens to someone more than they listen to them or vice versa, as this is part of life. But overall, there will be moments where one gives and moments where they take. Giving However, even though this will be the ideal scenario, it doesn’t mean that this is something that always takes place. Instead, one can be in a position where they are always there for others but other people are rarely there for them. One can then come to the conclusion that they are less like a friend or lover, for instance, and that they are more like a parent. And because they give so much, they can end up feeling as though they are running on empty. On The Surface Based on how they behave, other people can believe that they are only too happy to be there for them, but if they were to take a deeper look, they may find that there is more than meets the eye. At a deeper level, they may carry a lot of anger and even rage, and it could be said that this is to be expected. Therefore, the image that they present to the world can be radically different to what is actually taking place for them. Yet even though they feel this way, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable enough to let other people know. Out of Control Having said that, they could have moments where they lose their temper and the other person might wonder what they have done wrong. Some kind of discussion could take place, but it might only be a matter of time before everything returns to how it was before. Along with this, one may also find that they end up feeling guilty for speaking out and as a result of this; they can then feel the need to please the other person. This is likely to come down to the fact that they don’t feel comfortable with their own needs. Needs They can believe that the only way for them to get their needs met is to focus on other people’s needs. And while this may be something that works from time to time, it is not going to allow them to get their needs met on a regular basis. So until they are able to feel comfortable with their own needs, they are not going to open up to others and it is then going to be a challenge for them to experience intimacy. What they can be used to is being around people who are caught up in their own life. Protection If they were to open up and to express their own needs, they may believe that they would end up being abandoned by others. This can come down to the fact that they can feel as though they are inherently flawed and if other people were to find this out, they would end up walking away from them. The pain they experience through not getting their needs met is then going to pale in comparison to the pain they would experience if they were to open up. And unless this changes, they will continue to ignore their own needs and to focus on other people’s needs. The Reason When one experiences life in this way, it is likely to come down to what happened during their childhood years. During this time, their needs would have been ignored and they would take care of their caregivers needs. Awareness In order for one to move forward, it might be necessary for them to reach out for assistance, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, discharge the toxic shame within them and to receive the positive regard that they missed out on during their early years.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While one can give people a helping hand from time to time, they can also try to do everything for them. When this happens, other people may not see them as someone who is there to give them support from time to time; they can see them as someone who is responsible for their life.
Their Outlook As a result of this, it could mean that they see one as more like a caregiver as opposed to a friend or a lover, for instance. It could be said that it would be strange for someone to see another person in this way and yet at the same time, it could be seen as something that is perfectly normal. For if one was to do things for others that they should be doing themselves, they are going to be behaving more like a caregiver than a friend or a lover, for instance. And although other people could appreciate what they do for them; there could be others who don’t. Empowered If someone was in a position where another person did practically everything for them, they could find that it causes them to feel empowered. They will know that one will be there for them if something goes wrong or if they make a mistake. In their eyes, the other person could be seen as someone who is completely ‘selfless’ and that they are only too happy to ignore their own needs. It would then be normal for them to think about how they wouldn’t cope if the other person wasn’t around. Disempowered However, even though there can be people who will appreciate having someone like this in their life, there can also be others who have a different experience. This is not to say that they won’t have moments where they will happy for them to be there; but they can also have moments when this won’t be the case. During these times, they could feel as though the other person is trying to control them, and that it’s not possible for them to have their own life. Yet even though they might want to have some space; this could be something that would cause them to experience anxiety. Conflict So on one side, they want the other person to be in their life and on the other side; they want them to keep their distance. At a deeper level, they are likely to believe that they can’t support themselves and this is why they are dependent on another person. It could then be said that although they might look like an adult, they don’t feel like an adult. It might be more accurate to say that they feel like a vulnerable child, and unless this changes, they are going to continue to be drawn to people who stop them from being able to express themselves. Normal If one experiences life in this way, there is a strong chance that they have been this way for most of their life. There is the chance that their childhood was a time where their developmental needs were rarely, if ever, met. As a result of this, they wouldn’t have received the kind of care that would have allowed them to develop. It could then be said that they are stuck in this developmental stage and until what is taking place within them changes, they will continue to feel like a dependent child. A Lack of Control So through feeling like a child, they will be drawn to people who come across as highly capable, and this can then cause them to feel as though they have no control over their life. But if they were to avoid people who are like this, they can also feel as though they have no control. This is because they will experience control through having the other person in their life, but because they will end up taking over, they will feel similar to how they did before. There is the chance that this won’t happen in the beginning of a relationship, as it could take a while before they feel as though they are losing themselves. The Other Side When one feels the need to do practically everything for someone, they are also going to suffer. This is because they will be putting the other person’s needs before their own; if this was something that took place from time to time it wouldn’t be a problem. The reason they focus on the other persons needs and ignore their own is likely to be because they are not comfortable with their own needs. Therefore, being there for others will be an indirect way for them to fulfil their own needs. A Flawed Approach Through having this approach, there is a strong chance that their needs will be rarely, if ever, met. For one thing, it is not going to be possible for them to read one’s mind, and if they feel like a child, they are going to see them as someone who is there to provide for them. There will then be no need for them to give one anything in return and it will then be normal for one to feel as though they are being taken advantage of. But unless they being to feel comfortable with their own needs, they are likely to continue to behave in the same way. A Deeper Look When one feels ashamed of their needs and believes that they can only get them met indirectly, it is likely to be a sign that their early years was a time when they had to take care of their caregiver needs. The roles were then reversed, and while one became the caregiver, their caregiver became the child. This would then have set them up to feel ashamed of their own needs and the only way for them to get their needs met would have been to fulfil their caregivers needs. So through having these early experiences, it is to be expected that one will use the same approach in their adult relationships. Awareness In order for one to have adult to adult relationships with others, it will be important for them to feel comfortable with their own needs. This is something that can take place with the support of a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, discharge the toxic shame that is within them and to receive the positive regard that missed out on as a child. And once they have healed the part of themselves that needs to be rescued, they will no longer feel the need to rescue others. They will feel comfortable with their own needs and this means they will be drawn to people who are able to be there for them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
One of the greatest needs that human beings have is to be seen for who they are and although this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this is something that everyone feels comfortable with. If one is in a position where they didn’t feel comfortable with being seen, it is going to cause them to suffer in one way or another.
In Silence However, even though one can do everything they can to avoid being seen, it doesn’t mean that other people will realise this. As a result of this, it can mean that they can end up suffering in silence. It might be hard for some people to understand how one could suffer in silence and what this partly shows is how easy it is for human beings to deceive others. What it can also show is that not everyone takes a closer look into why people behave the way they do. One Side On one side then, one might have the ability to cover up what is taking place for them and this is going to stop other people from realising what is happening. Therefore, other people might not even think about how they are doing what they can to avoid being seen. When it comes to the people that they spend their time with, they might see them as being just like everyone else. Yet this could also be a sign that one generally spends time with people who are also like them. The Other Side But on the other side, it could mean that other people are aware of how they behave and just put it down to their personality. They could see them as someone who is quiet or even shy and that could be as far as it goes. Their behaviour is then going to relate to who they are as opposed to something they have developed in order to cover up how they feel. Due to this, there will be no reason for them to take a deeper look into what is taking place. The Opposite There is also the chance that they will end up spending time with people who are the complete opposite, or at least people who come across in this way. This is because they could also fear being seen, but instead of being overwhelmed by it; they could have gone to the other extreme. They might be described as being confident and these kinds of people are going to be the perfect match for them. For if the attention is on the people they surround themselves with, there will be no reason for one to receive attention. For Example If one felt emotionally weak, they could end up trying to develop their physical body through gaining muscle, or they might even gain a lot of weight. From the outside, other people can say they are big built or that they are overweight, for instance, and it might not even occur to them why their body is the way it is. But if one was to look into why they feel the way they do and to develop their emotional strength, they might no longer need to gain as much muscle or they may find that they are able to lose weight. Similarly, if one was to feel comfortable with being seen, they might no longer be drawn to people who overshadow them. Conflict Through being around people who receive all the attention, one will be able to avoid attention and this will be seen as a good thing. But even though this will stop them from feeling uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean they won’t suffer in another way. This is because they are not going to be able to receive the attention that they need from other people. The part of them that wants to be acknowledged by others is going to be overlooked. Invisible It could be normal for one to feel as though they are invisible and this could mean that they have moments where they look up to people who are seen by others. This could relate to people they know and it could also relate to the people they don’t know. In this case, it could be actors, singers, sports stars and/or TV personalities, for stance. They could wonder what it would be like to experience life as they do, and it could even mean that they end up worshipping them. Growth So as one doesn’t feel comfortable being seen, it could also be said that they feel the need to hide their true-self. And through not being comfortable enough to share who they are; it can mean that their needs are rarely met. As a result of this, they may find that even though they want to grow and to move forward, this is unlikely to be something that takes place. What this comes down is that through having the fear of being seen, one is going to sabotage their own life. A Closer Look It might seem strange as to why one would feel uncomfortable with being seen; especially as it is part of being human. However, if one is carrying toxic shame, it is going to be normal for them to fear being seen. Through carrying toxic shame, one is going to feel as though they are completely worthless, and if other people were to see them, they will believe that they will realise how flawed they are. During this time, they would have to experience the toxic shame within hem and they are going to believe that they would be abandoned by others. The Reason Thus, being seen by others is going to be something that will cause them to experience a lot of pain. The reason one is carrying toxic shame is likely to be due to what took place during their childhood years. During this time, one may been abused and/or neglected and this would have set them up to feel as though they are less-than human. Ultimately, how one was treated would have been a reflection of how their caregiver/s felt about themselves as opposed to their inherent worth. Awareness In order for one to feel comfortable with being seen, it might be necessary for them to reach out for support. This is something that be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This may be a time where one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, to discharge the toxic shame that is within them and to receive the positive regard that they missed out on as a child.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there will be moments where one’s emotional experience reflects reality, there can also be moments when it doesn’t. In this case, it could be said that there is no reason for one to feel the way that they do.
However, even though there will be moments where it isn’t necessary for one to feel a certain way, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. But even if they do realise this, it might not mean that they will be able to simply let go and to carry on with the rest of their life. Happiness If one was in a position where they were happy during the wrong moments, they could say that this is a ‘good thing’. In their eyes, it could be seen as the ideal way to live, as they are not going to be effected by the ‘negativity’ of life. Along with this, there could also be other people who have the same outlook, and they could see them as a role model. Yet even though this could be seen as the ideal way to experience life, there are going to be times when it is not going to be appropriate for one to be happy. For Example If one was to find out that they have been taken advantage of or that one of their family members had been taken advantage of, it would be necessary for them to get angry in order to take action. Whereas if they were unable to change their emotional state, they may find that it is not possible for them to do anything about what has taken place. Also, if one was to lose a loved one or a member of their family, it would be normal for them to experience a number of emotions from the opposite side of the emotional spectrum. But if they were unable to experience these emotions, it wouldn’t be possible for them to grieve. Another Experience However, although there are going to be certain feelings that some people would like to experience all the time, there are going to be others that they would like to avoid at all times. The reason for this is when one experiences them, they are not going to cause them to feel good; they are going to cause them to feel bad. They could believe that if they no longer had to experience a certain feeling, their life would be so much better. Yet even though experiencing a certain feeling at all times would lead to problems; there would also be problems if one didn’t have the ability to experience a certain feeling. For Example There are at least two feelings that one might want to avoid: one is guilt and the other is shame. Both of these feelings will cause one to feel uncomfortable, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t have a part to play in one’s life. For instance, if one was to do something wrong, it would be normal for them to feel guilty, and this could then mean that they will end up feeling ashamed. When one feels guilty, they can believe that they will be punished, and when one feels ashamed, they can believe that they will be abandoned. A Conscience So as much as these feelings will cause one to feel uncomfortable from time to time, they are an important part of having a conscience. One way to see how important this is will be for one to imagine how they would feel if a friend arranged to meet them and then didn’t turn up, and instead of apologising, they just dismiss the whole experience. Now, it could be said that this is a fairly trivial example, but what it looks at is what can happen when someone has lost touch with their guilt and shame. When one can experience these two feelings, it will be a lot easier for them to develop healthy relationships with others. The Problem The trouble is that even though these are two feelings that play a vital role in having a conscience, they can also make one’s life a living hell if they were experience them all the time. When this happens, it is going to be more or less impossible for one to feel good about themselves. Thus, even if they haven’t done anything wrong and have nothing to feel ashamed of, they can feel as though this is not the case. It then might not matter what they do or who they are with, as they can feel the same. Down So whether one has the tendency to feel guilty and/or ashamed it could be normal for them to feel down. They may find that they don’t allow themselves to experience anything that will have a positive effect on then. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they are punishing themselves, and because of this, they might find that they put with bad behaviour from others. If one was to take a closer look as to why they feel guilty, they may find that they believe that they have let someone down. A Loss And while this could relate to someone who is alive, it could also relate to someone who is no longer on this planet. This could be someone who passed on a number of months ago or it could be even longer. As they start to think about the person who passed on, they may believe that they didn’t do enough for them whilst they were alive. Perhaps they didn’t visit them enough, or there may have been a certain amount of tension between them. Along with this, they may also feel guilty for being alive, among other things. Stepping Back If one was to take a step back here, they might come to see that they did the best they could during this time. And that if they knew what they knew now, they would have done something different However, at the time they didn’t know any different and that’s why they behaved in the way that they did. And as to being alive, they could ask themselves if the person who has passed on would want them to suffer; they could also imagine how they would feel if they had passed on and a loved one was experiencing life in the same way that they are. Awareness This could be seen as one part of the process, and the other part will be for one to cry out the pain that is within them. Through crying out the pain, one may find that it is possible for them to gradually let go of the guilt that they are experiencing One may need support here and this is something that can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While it is part of being human to have needs, it doesn’t mean that every human being on the planet is comfortable with their own needs. As a result of this, it is going to mean that while someone people pay attention to their own needs; there are going to be others who don’t.
Feedback One way of looking at this would be to say that while some people will listen to the feedback that is within them, there will be other people who don’t. This is then going to be similar to one driving a car and when the red light comes on on the fuel gauge, either to driving to a fuel station or to pretend that the light isn’t on. If they were to take the first option, it might only be a matter of time before they are able to refuel. Through taking this approach it is going to mean that their car won’t just stop working, and they are then not going to end up being stranded somewhere. An Appointment And while they might simply be going for a drive and have nowhere in mind, they could also be in a position where they need to go somewhere. They could be on their way to see a friend or they could be on their way to an appointment. Either way, it is going to be important for them to get there on time, and through doing this, they won’t miss out on seeing someone that they need to see. In this sense, it could be said that it will allow them to not only fulfil their needs; it will also allow them to fulfil someone else’s needs. The Second Option However, if they were to take the second option and to completely ignore the fuel gauge, it is not going to be long until the car stops working. And while there is the chance that they are not in a rush to go anywhere, this might not be the case. So if they don’t need to be somewhere, it might not matter if they break down, but if they do need to be somewhere on time, they could end up experiencing all kinds problems. It could mean that they are unable to spend time with a friend and they could also miss an appointment with someone. Missing Out As a result of this, not only will their own needs end up being unfulfilled; it will also mean that someone else will have to go without having their needs met. On one hand, one is going to suffer, but on the other hand, they have brought it on by themselves. It is not because of what someone else has done that they are in the position they are in; it is because of what they have done. One way of looking at this would be to say that one is sabotaging their own life. Everyday Life Now, while one might not ignore their fuel gauge in the real world, it doesn’t mean that they won’t ignore their other needs. They could be in a position where it is normal for them to overlook what is taking place within them and to focus on what is taking place around them. This could then mean that other people see them as ‘selfless’, and they could say that they are only too happy to be there for others. But if they do behave in this way, it is going to mean that they are out of balance. Self-Neglect If someone was to focus on what one does for others, they might come to believe that they are doing the right thing, but if they were to take closer look at their life, they would come to realise that this is not the case. They would soon see that although they are there for others, they are also neglecting their own needs. Yet if someone believed that other people’s needs are more important than their own, it might not be possible for them to see what is taking place. And as putting other people’s needs first and neglecting one’s own needs is often seen as the ideal, it could be said that this kind of occurrence is to be expected. Now And Then This is not to say that one won’t have moments where there needs will be met, but this is likely to be the exception as opposed to the rule. When this happens, it could be because someone else is aware of what they need as opposed to one reaching out themselves. One may find that the only way they are able to get their needs met is if they do everything they can to please others. Through doing this, there are going to be moments where other people return the favour. Indirect But while this will be a way for them to get their needs met, it is unlikely that it will allow them to get their needs met on a consistent basis. And as it is not going to be possible for other people to read their mind, one will rarely get what they need. As a result, they could be used to feeling angry, frustrated and as though they have no control over their life. And through ignoring their own needs, they are unlikely to achieve what they want to achieve, and it is then going to be normal for them to feel unfulfilled. A Closer Look If one was able to look into why they ignore their own needs, they may find that they feel ashamed of their own needs. Along with this, they could also feel ashamed of themselves, and this is likely to mean that they are carry toxic shame. So even though one is suffering by not paying attention to their needs, it is also a way for them to protect themselves. As if they were to reveal their needs to others, they will believe that they will realise how flawed they are. The Reason Once other people find this out, one is likely to believe that they will be rejected by others and end up being abandoned. When one carries toxic shame and has this outlook, it is likely to be a sign that they were abused and/or neglected during their childhood years. Awareness However, even though one has this outlook and feels the way they do; it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. So in order for them to realise their inherent value and to embrace their needs, it will be important for them to reach out for support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, discharge the toxic shame that is within them and to receive the positive regard that they missed out on as a child.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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