The other day I was reading ‘I Can Make You Rich’ by Paul McKenna and, just as I started to read it, someone asked me what I was reading. I lifted the book up so they could see the title and their face said it all.
I didn’t need to hear this person say anything to know what their thoughts were about this book. Still, they ended up saying that if a book like that actually worked, everyone would be reading it. Nothing New When I heard this, what flashed over my mind was how my parents would often respond when I first started reading self-development books many, many years ago. If I was reading a book to do with success, for instance, they would basically say that it was a load of rubbish. So, having had a fair amount of experience over the years of people acting in a critical manner let’s say, I was prepared for this response. Furthermore, my experiences had also shown me that what this person said had very little basis in reality. Two Parts I ended up saying that even though it may seem this way, it is not this black and white. Not only does someone need to have the desire to make more money or to achieve something, they also need to have the drive to make it happen. I went onto say that this is why some ‘gurus’ are happy to sell their ‘secret’ information because they know that very few people will actually utilize the information that they give out. A guru can then share some of their information, make money in the process, and not have to worry about the effect this will have on their business. It Made Sense After I had touched upon this important ingredient, the other person remembered how important drive was when it came to achieving something. Another way to understand this is to reflect on how there is often what people say (words) and then there is what they do (behaviour). The best way to understand what someone wants, or at least what feels safe at a deeper level, is to observe their behaviour. This, and this alone, will reveal what is truly going on for them. Practical Steps As I looked through different parts of the book, it became clear that Paul McKenna had put together a solid book. Having read a number of his other books over the years, I can say that this is someone who knows his stuff. In this book, he goes into the importance of having the right outlook, but this is only a small part of the book. He also goes into how vital it is to ask ourselves the right questions, to find ways to offer value to the world, and to take consistent action, among other things. Final Thoughts The book is also peppered with quotes and advice from people who have applied the principles that are in the book and have benefited as a result. There is a good chance that you will have already heard of some of these people. If you are looking to change this area of your life, reading this book will definitely be a good place for you to start. And one last thing, the person above said that the title of the book was a bit too much, yet they soon came to see that a title like this is far more likely to draw people in than a more ‘realistic’ title.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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It has been widely reported that a lot of children are now growing up without a father, and this is in addition to the adults who also grew up without one. There are, of course, a number of reasons as to why this is the case.
Firstly, moral decay has led to an increase in hedonism, which has resulted in the decline of personal responsibility. If, then, a man has a child/children and the relationship is not going well, he could just end up disappearing without feeling the need to play his part. Another Part Secondly, thanks to the welfare state and birth control pills, there is less need for women to be discerning when it comes to who they share their body with. Ergo, instead of having to make sure that a man is a decent human being, a woman can simply allow her impulses to take over. If she does end up getting pregnant and the guy runs off, she will most likely be able to rely on the government to give her what she needs. And, due to how much money she can receive in handouts, she may even come to believe that it is far better for her to not have any one else around. A Safety Net The government will then replace the father as the provider, taking away the need for the mother to do everything by herself. However, although the government will be giving this money out, this money will have been taken from other people. Consequently, the people who have children, along with those that don’t, will be paying for other people’s children. In the past, before the welfare state was created and long before the pill was available, a woman’s parents would have often done what they could to make sure their daughter chose a man who was financially stable and of good moral character or else they would have had to foot the bill and to pick up the pieces. Less Risk Choosing the wrong man to have children with is then not as risky as it was in the past and, as another source can now provide the resources that a man used to provide, it has meant that this has caused a lot of mothers to believe that fathers are no longer needed. Thus, once they have provided the sperm, they will have no use. And, even if a mother is in a position where she is able to support her child/children without relying on welfare, she could still have the same outlook. Apart from supplying the sperm, then, a father won’t have anything else to offer a child. Back To Reality Yet, even though this is something that plenty of people believe, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Now, this doesn’t mean that a child is destined to go down the wrong path if their father is not around. There are plenty of adults around today who have turned out fine, even though their father wasn’t around during their formative years. Nonetheless, there is the chance that someone like this had other male figures that filled in the gap, so to speak; such as a grandfather, uncle or an older brother. Inner Model For a son, a father provides him with someone to identify with and, as time goes by, he will gradually internalise his father’s traits. Said another way, his father will give him the building blocks that he needs to become a man. For a daughter, a father provides her with her first experience of what the opposite sex is like, which will play a big part in how she will go on to perceive men when she is a woman. In other words, her father will play a big part in what her relationships with men will be like as the years go by. The Fallout If a boy doesn’t have a father to identify with, he can end up identifying with his mother and become an emasculated male. Or, he can end up going to the other extreme, becoming a man who not only hates women but who engages in behaviour that is destructive. If a daughter doesn’t have a father around, she can end up developing a negative view of men. This could mean that she will end up losing touch with her own femininity, becoming super masculine in the process and being drawn to weak men or she could go to the other extreme, becoming overly feminine (passive) and end up with abusive men. The Foundations When a father is around, he will be able to provide his son with the external support and security for him to develop in the right way. In the beginning, then, he will look toward his father to keep him safe and watch out for him but, as time passes, the son will gradually internalise these two traits. The support and encouragement that his father gives him will also allow him to develop into a confident and competent adult; someone who has what it takes to handle the challenges of life and to thrive. A father will be also there to give his daughter what she needs to grow into a confident and competent adult. Other Elements Another thing that a father will show his son is how to handle his aggression, giving him the guidance that he needs to use this energy in the right way. He will show him that this is a fuel that will allow him to take action and to fulfil his dreams, as opposed to something he needs to disconnect from and to become a lifeless human being in the process. Part of this will be showing his son how to stand his ground and to be assertive. A daughter, on the other hand, might not have as much aggression, but she will still need guidance on how to manage this part of her nature, which will allow her to say no and to assert herself when it is necessary. Awareness There are many other things that a father contributes to a child’s development, with self-discipline and the ability to delay gratification being two of them. If someone grew up without a father and they are starting to get an idea of how this has impacted them, they will be able to do something about this now that they are an adult. When it comes to what they need to do to make up for the guidance that they didn’t get, it can all depend on what is going on for them. They may need to read books that offer guidance and then to apply what they learn, or they may need to work with a therapist/healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone comes to see that their early years were a time when they were not treated very well, there are a number of things that can take place. Firstly, they can start to think about what they can do to heal the damage that was caused, and, secondly, they can have the need to talk about what took place with their parents.
There is also the chance that they haven’t even thought about what they can do to heal themselves. In this case, their need to talk to their parents about what happened could consume them. The Next Step What one could then do is to approach their parents out of the blue and ask them about why they treated them in a certain way, for instance. Conversely, they may wait for right moment to open up to them. When they start to talk about what happened, their parents facial expressions may show that they are sorry for how they behaved. Therefore, without them even needing to say anything, one will know that they are going to be able to make progress. The Right Direction Once they have stopped talking, one of their parents may make it clear that they are deeply sorry about what they put them through. This can then provide one will the validation that they need to gradually heal themselves. Their parents may even agree to go to therapy with them; that is, of course, if one needs this to take place. What something like this would do is allow one to work through things in an environment that is conducive to growth and healing. No Short Cuts Now, just because their parents have acknowledged what took place and validated what one went through as a child, it doesn’t mean that their life will change overnight. However, it will most likely allow them to move forward a lot faster than if their parents were unable to face up to what took place. Their parents won’t have been able to truly be there for them all those years ago, but now they will have the chance to do the right thing. A long journey is in front of all of them, but the foundations will have been laid. Another Experience While the scenario above, or one that is very similar, could be seen as the ideal, it is not something that always takes place. Instead, one can talk to their parents about what took place and they could basically be told that what they are saying has no basis in reality. Upon hearing this, a number of things could take place. This can be a time when one ends experiencing a lot of anger and even rage, and a lot of the trauma that is within them may end up being triggered, causing them to be experience a lot of fear and to feel emotionally unstable. An Unexpected Outcome If they were to end the interaction after this has taken place, they may start to wonder how their parents could behave in this manner. What they may believe, that’s if they haven’t already mentioned it, is that their parents will respond differently if they talk about the effect that their abuse has had and is still having on them to this day. One could then approach their parents again and talk about what is going on for them, only to receive the same response. It then wouldn’t even matter if one ended up getting a brain scan that proved that they had experienced a lot of trauma, as their parent’s won’t be able to accept what they are saying. A Strange Scenario Just as their parent’s people wouldn’t have been able to respond to them in the right way as a child, they still won’t be able to respond to them in the right way now that they are an adult. It may seem as though their parents lack basic humanity, and simply don’t have the capacity to display empathy and compassion when it comes to what they have been through and are going through. In order for one to make sense of what is going on, it will be essential for them to change how they view their parents. What this means is that just because they came through them - providing them with a vehicle (body) that would allow them to experience life on earth - it doesn’t mean that their parents are perfect human beings. Imperfect Human Beings Their parents could be people who are deeply troubled human beings; perhaps they are developmentally stunted, and they may even have some kind of personality disorder. There is the chance that what they put one through as a child was very similar to what they went through at the hands of their own parents. As a result of what they went through during their formative years, it may have made it hard for them to be able to face reality as an adult. To handle what they went through and to keep their trauma at bay, they may rely on a number of difference defence mechanisms to be able to handle life and not to fall apart. The Big One If they were to admit to what they put one through as a child, it could end up reminding them of what they went through as a child. Facing the pain of their early abuse and the pain of abusing their own child would then be too much for them to handle. So, as way for them to keep this pain locked in their body and out of their conscious awareness, they will use denial to protect themselves. But, due to how long they have relied on this defence mechanism, it will most likely have become part of their character. Effortless It is then not that they are aware of what took place and are consciously denying it; it is that they are no longer aware of it and there is then nothing for them to deny. Ultimately, they will have forgotten that they have forgotten. This is why one can have all the evidence under the sun that proves that they are telling the truth, but it won’t make any difference. Their parents, out of their need to avoid their own pain, will need to stay out of touch with reality and their own body. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be a god idea for them to do what they can to accept that their parents are unlikely to break out of their delusion. Their main priority will be to keep their pain out of their awareness, not to do what they can to help their adult child to heal. With the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance, one can start to move forward and gradually lose the need to receive their parent’s validation. This takes patience, persistence and a lot of courage.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Trauma: Is It Important For Someone To Spend Time In Nature If They Have Experienced Trauma?14/1/2019
In the same way that a rupture can severely weaken a tyre, trauma can also severely weaken a human being. But even though a broken type can be replaced by a brand new one, a human being won’t be able to find a another suit to replace the one that is not in a good way.
As a result of this, they will need to find a way to repair the damage that has been done to their body and mind. They will be like humpty dumpty inasmuch it will be as if they have fallen off a wall and ended up in pieces, but that is where the similarity will end, as they will have to find a way to put themselves back together again. A Closer Look There is the chance that one experienced trauma in their adult life and/or it could go back their early years. What this means, is that they will have experienced something that overwhelmed their system. And, as it was so overwhelming, it wasn’t possible for their system to integrate what took place. The outcome of this can be an inner sense of not being an integrated human being, and, along with this, will be a number of different symptoms. A Closer Look If what they are going through relates to their adult years, it could show that they have had a car accident or been in the army, for instance. On the other hand, if it goes relates to what they experienced during their early years, it could show that they were abused and/or neglected. What they may find, if they can relate to the former, is that it didn’t take them long to see that something wasn’t right due to how they experienced life before. However, if one can relate to the latter, it might have taken them a while to figure out what was doing on due to how normal it was. The Power of Contrast Having been in a bad way, practically from the moment they were born, would have made it much harder for them to see that what they were going through was not normal. A large part of their life may then have been spent doing the best that they could to handle the pain that they were in. Fortunately, if someone was in a good way before they had a car accident or were in a war zone, for instance, they will have a clear idea that what they are going through is not part of life. At the same time, what they went through may have had such a big effect on them that it might be hard for them to connect to what their life was like before. A Few Symptoms So, when someone is unable to operate as a whole human being due to the conflict that is within them, it is likely to be a challenge for them to be in the present moment. Their mind, as a way to handle the arousal that is within them, can end up taking them all over the place. Naturally, this will make it hard for them to truly show up around others and to be able to concentrate. This may also affect their memory, making it hard for them to remember things and to recall what people have said to them. All at Sea Ultimately, their body won’t be at peace and this will cause their mind to be all over the place. Lacking inner stability and togetherness, it will be a challenge for them to handle too much external stimulation. Going into public places and being around large crowds will be too much for their traumatised system to deal with. Or, if they can handle being in these types of environments, they may find that they have the urge to get away before too much time passes. Triggers, Triggers Everywhere In way, it can be as though one is wearing a suit that is very sensitive to stimulation, with just about any kind of stimulation causing it to react. Mainstream society, with all the drama and noise, will cause them to experience even more inner disharmony. Thus, they won’t need to be around people who are abusive or inconsiderate in order to feel even more overwhelmed than they may do already. At this stage on their life, it will be vital for them to try to limit the amount of stimulation they are exposed to. Disintegration Limiting the amount of stimulation that they are exposed to may allow them to feel slightly more integrated at times, while increasing the amount of stimulation they are exposed to may cause them to feel as though they are falling apart. Thankfully, there is at least one thing that they can do to give their senses a rest and to lower their stress levels. Spending time in nature can be an excellent way for them to give their whole being the chance to relax and to recharge. This can be somewhere where they will be able to simply be and not have to be concerned about anything else. Awareness There can be the effect that this has on one when they are in nature and then there can be the effect it has on them shortly after. Their body and their mind can feel at lot more at peace during this time and for a little while after. If they are not already doing so, they may also need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the same way that a knife is neither good nor bad, it could also be said that social media is the same. With this in mind, if the former causes harm it will show that it is being used in the wrong way, and, if the later causes harm it will also show that it is being used in the wrong way.
However, while someone is likely to have learnt from a young age that a knife can be dangerous, they probably won’t have learnt the same thing about social media. Instead, this may have been something that they have gradually come to figure out for themselves. Another Scenario At the same time, if someone grew up before social media was invented it wouldn’t have been possible for them to receive this type of guidance during the beginning of their life. Therefore, irrespective of what age group they fall into, it would most likely still have been down to them to see what kind of impact it can have. And, once they came to see how destructive it can be, they may have gone online to see what other people had said. What may have also made it clearer that these types of sites have a dark side were the posts their friends shared online. The Reverse Then again, someone may have been using these sites on a regular basis and come across something that went into how destructive these sites can be. Before they came across this information, they might not have been able to connect the dots, so to speak. Due to this, they wouldn’t have been in a good place but they still wouldn’t have been able to see why this was. Thanks to the information that was shared online or due to what they read about in a paper, for instance, they were able to make sense of why they felt the way they did. It’s Normal What this illustrates is that when someone experiences life in a certain way and this has become the norm, it is easy for them to overlook external triggers that are playing a part. This is why it is so important to be able to detach and to reflect. Without this ability, one will be completely immersed in their life and it will be a lot harder for them to see why they are experiencing life in a certain way. If someone doesn’t have this ability, they may be able to develop it by practicing mindfulness meditation. Back To the Main point So, what someone may have found is that using social media causes them to experience a fair amount of anxiety. In addition to this, they could experience anxiety even when they are not using it and are only thinking about social media. When one goes online, what they may find is that they end up feeling edgy when they look through the news feed. And, when it comes to looking through their notifications, the same thing could take place. The Reason What this can come down to is that one might worry about what they are going to see. They may see pictures of their friends having a good time and end up wondering why they were not invited. The same might apply to their notifications, as they wont not know if they have received ‘likes’ or if they have received negative comments. One of their friends or even a stranger may have sent them an abusive message or uploaded an unflattering picture of them. Offline When they are not online, they could spend a lot of time worrying about what they are missing out on. The sooner they get back online, the sooner they will be able to put an end to this pressure. Once they are online, they might no longer think about what they are missing out on, but there will be other things to put them back on edge. Also, they could worry about if anyone has left any negative comments when they are not online. Wide Open Through having at least one social media profile, then, they will have opened themselves up to the world. This will have opened them up to good things and it will have opened them up to bad things. Through putting themselves out there in this way, they will have less control when it comes to what is said to them. It won’t be possible for them to only receive positive feedback from others. Distracted Their strings will be getting pulled by social media sites, making it harder for them to focus on the things that matter. Being in the present moment is also going to be something that is hard for them. Worrying about what other people are doing and trying to control how other people see them is a waste of their time and energy. If one cloned themselves a hundred times, they would still miss out of things, and, even if they had complete control over their online persona, there would still be people out there who wouldn’t buy into it. Conclusion If one finds that using different social media sites is having a negative effect on their mental and emotional health, it might be a good idea for them to get a piece of paper and to write down what they can do to experience life differently. Spending less time online and more time with real people will help, as will spending more time on things that will actually benefit them. Reading, learning a new hobby and/or creating something, amongst other things, can help them to see that social media is just a small part of their life. They may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance, if their inner world doesn’t improve after they spend less time using these sites.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Fairly recently, the mainstream media shared a story about Kate Wright, someone who first came to prominence after being in a British TV program. In this story, it said that Katie had ‘bad anxiety’ and ‘struggled to love herself’.
Now, I don’t know much about her and I have only watched a few minutes of the TV program she was in, but I thought that this was an important issue to cover. What she struggles with is something that a lot of people struggle with at this point in time, so I wanted to share my thoughts. My Opinion Thus, what this means is that what I am about to go into is based on my own views; it is not be taken as the truth. Also, as I don’t know Katie personally and know very little about her past experiences, I am limited when it comes to the information that I have to work with. My intention will be to shed light on why she is experiencing life in this way. And, as she is someone who is in the public eye, there is a greater chance that more people will read about this important issue than they would otherwise. An Unexpected Admission There are undoubtedly going to be many people out there, with a lot of these people being her fans, who find it hard to comprehend how someone like this can struggle to love herself. For one thing, she has a figure that a lot of women can only dream of having, and a lot of men find desirable. Not only this, a brief look through one of her social media profiles and it is easy to get the impression that this is someone who lives the perfect life. And to top it off, she is engaged to a high status male. Ticking all the Boxes From the outside, then, this is a woman who appears to have it all. The things that are often put forward by society that will lead to happiness, such as the perfect body, fame and having a desirable partner, she has. There are bound to be woman out there who struggle with the same inner challenges as Katie does, who believe that their life would be different if they had a body like her, for instance. If a woman like this was to hear about what Katie has said, they might not be willing to accept it. A Way Out For a woman like this, having the perfect body will be seen as an escape from how she currently experiences life. To hear another woman have the same experience as she does even though she has what they themselves want, could be too much for her to handle. What this woman could then do is ignore what she has heard and continue to do what she can to change her body. But, just like Katie, she could soon find that having the perfect body doesn’t change how she feels about herself. A Powerful Force In the same way that the woman above can want to have the perfect body so that she can feel better about herself, there is the chance that this is what gave Katie the motivation to transform her body. In order for her to have the figure she currently has, she will have most likely spent a lot of time doing different types of exercises and she may even have had surgery, who knows. Having the perfect body, then, would then have been seen as a way for her to finally feel good about herself. She would then have had two options: to look the way she did and to be a worthless human being or to have the perfect body and to be a valuable human being. Two Options Using her will power to change her appearance would have been seen as a way for her feel better. Due to how bad she felt on the inside, not looking perfect would have been seen as something that revealed how flawed she was. Transforming her appearance will then have been a way for her to stop people from realising the truth about her. So, through feeling worthless on the inside, her value will have ended up being externalised. A Human Doing Through being out of touch with her inner value and therefore, believing that her value is external and not internal, it will be essential for her to maintain a certain image. Having the perfect body and using social media to create the impression that she leads the perfect life will be a big part of this. Ultimately, looking perfect and having the perfect life will be a defence against feeling imperfect. Naturally, this will cause her to experience a fair amount of pressure, and the amount of anxiety she experiences alludes to this. The Fear of Being Exposed The reason she experiences so much anxiety could be because she fears that other people will realise that she is not perfect, and, if this was to happen, it would cause her to come into contact with the part of herself that she is trying to avoid. It will take a lot of energy for her to maintain the image that she has created. Yet, even though she will have to manage this anxiety, it will most likely be a lot easier for her to handle this than it would be for her to handle what would come up if she revealed her true-self. The false-self that she has created will most likely be a way for her to keep her shame at bay. Too Much To Handle If her whole being has been permeated by shame, it is going to be more or less impossible for her to experience self-love. It will be the equivalent of trying to feel comfortable on a bed that is covered in nails. Shame is a feeling that is incredibly difficult to tolerate, which is why she would have used perfectionism to try to avoid it. Behind the external changes that she has made, will be the same person as before. Back In Time If someone’s whole being is permeated with shame, it is usually a sign that they have experienced trauma. So, there is the chance that something happened to her that overwhelmed her system. If it doesn’t relate to a particular experience, it could show that she has had a number of experiences that had this effect. This could illustrate that she was bullied at school, or it may show that she experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect during her early years, for instance. Conclusion What this emphasises is how powerful shame can be when it comes to how someone experiences life. If someone can relate to what has been said above, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer. Through working through this shame, it will allow someone to embrace their inherent worth, allowing them to go from a human doing to a human being.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone’s emotions are not settled and they are all at sea, so to speak, there is the chance that they are going through a challenging time. Or, it could show that something in their life has had a big impact on them.
The next step might be for them to reach out to a friend or a family member, for instance, for support. When it comes to the person who they reach out to, this could be someone they know they can trust. The Next Step As one talks about what is going on for them, the other person may simply listen to what they have to say. Along with this, this person may also validate what they are saying by showing concern and repeating some of what they have said, among other things. One might be pleased with how this person is responding and be grateful that they are spending time together. It will then be clear that they didn’t want this person to do anything for them; they simply wanted them to be there. Emotional Containment They would have lacked inner stability; with this being the reason why they reached out for someone who could provide them with external stability. In the same way that taking water out of the sea and putting it into a bucket would gradually settle the water down, spending time around someone who is settled would have had a similar effect. So, thanks to the external structure that this person provided, spending a little while in their company would have allowed them to slowly regain their centre. Taking this into account, the only thing this person needed then was the ability to hold the space, not to be a trouble shooter. Two Elements This can be seen as an example of what happens when someone is fully identified with their feminine aspect. This part of them will give them the need to express what is going on for them. What they won’t want is for another person to stop this from taking place or to start telling them what they need to do to change their life. Like water, their emotions will just want to go wherever they want to go, not to be restricted in any way. The Other Part This is then very different to the masculine aspect, which wants to find a solution to a problem and to move things forward. To this part, expressing emotions and talking about them can seem like a waste of time. Bearing this in mind, it can be easy to see why two people can clash when one of them is fully indentified with their feminine nature and the other is fully indentified with their masculine nature. It will be hard for these two people to connect and to feel as though they speak the same language. Conflict The person who simply wants their feelings to be acknowledged can end up feeling invalidated and as though the other person doesn’t care about them. It can seem as though this person just doesn’t get them. On the other hand, the person who is in problem solving mode can believe that the other is merely wasting time and even acting like a child. They won’t be able to comprehend why this person doesn’t want to hear about what they can do to change their life, so that they can move forward. Black and White It would be easy to say that all women are emotional and all men are logical, yet life isn’t this black and white. There are men who can be more attached to their feminine aspect and women who can be more attached to their masculine aspect. Not only this, regardless of how attached someone is to one aspect, there can still be moments when they have completely indentified with the other. This can be what happens if someone’s life has changed in some way. Loss Let’s say that someone loses a loved one, this could have a dramatic effect on their behaviour. Before this took place, they may have been an emotional person, only to shut down emotionally after this took place. Then again, they may have been someone who was highly intellectual, only to become extremely emotional after this occurred. Their change in behaviour could last for quite some time, too. Awareness If someone has a friend or a family member who reaches out for emotional support, the only thing that they may need to do is to show up and to listen. This might be hard for them to do if they are used to solving problems, but it will be what the other person actually needs at this time in their life. It might take a while for them to get used to behaving in this way if they are used behaving in the opposite manner. What it will do, however, if save them energy and it may have a positive effect on their relationships in general.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When it comes to what someone does for a living, there is the chance that it is a big part of who they are. In fact, it might go even further, with one seeing this area of their life as their whole life.
One is then not just going to go to work and then to leave this part of their life when they come home; it will be something that they live and breathe. During their time off, then, they will most likely spend a lot of time thinking about their job. More Work Along with what goes through their mind when they are not at work, could be what they have to do for their job. This could be work that they have to do or it could be work that they choose to do. However, due to how connected they are to what they do, they might not even think about having time to do other things. They could say that what they do is so enjoyable that they don’t have the need to do anything else. The Glue Therefore, in the same way that cement will be what keeps bricks together, their job will be what keeps their life together. Without this job, their life would probably be radically different. But, as just about every waking hour of their life revolves around their job, this is not going to be much of a surprise. It would be very similar to the effect that a break up would have on someone if they did practically everything with their partner. All Consuming Being in a relationship would have defined who they were, which is why this would also hit them hard. If there is no separation between someone and their job, they might not even have time to have a relationship. Or if they are with someone, this person might be used to being overlooked and not feeling as though one values them. Even when one does spend time with them, their mind could be somewhere else. In The Middle Now, someone like this could have a very well paid job and they could be right at the top of the hierarchy, so to speak. As a result of this, this could be something that allows them to receive a fair amount of positive feedback from others and to experience a fair amount of stress. At the same time, one might not have a job like this, yet it could still be something that they find deeply rewarding. In general, the stress that they do experience could simply keep them on their toes and not be something that is too much for them to handle. A Loss If, for some reason, they were to lose their job, it could be incredibly difficult for them to accept what has taken place. The world won’t have come to an end, but it could seem as though their world has. In addition to losing their job, it could seem as though they have lost themselves. Clearly, they will still be the same person physically, yet they won’t be the same person when it comes to their identity. All at Sea The job that they had would have provided them with lot of structure and, now that this has gone, they will have lost their shape. Like jelly that is no longer in a mould, they will be all over the place. Furthermore, they could end up experiencing a fair amount of shame, setting up to feel as though they have no value. Losing their identity will be bad enough and it will be even worse for them to feel as though they are worthless. A New Beginning One thing that they could do is to try to find another job as soon as they can do solve this challenge. If this was to take place, it might allow them to put this experience behind them and to gradually settle down. There is, of course, the chance that this won’t happen, meaning that one will need to try another approach. Regardless of whether they won’t be able to get another job like they had or if they simply need to wait a little while, it will be essential for them to redefine themselves. Many Baskets What they could do is to decide to no longer base their identity on one area of their life, which will stop them from putting all their eggs in one basket, so to speak. Through having many different interests in their life, they will be less likely to be affected if one area isn’t going well. If one area of their life is not going well, they will have plenty of others interests to keep them going. This will allow them to have an expanded sense of themselves, too; seeing that they are a multifaceted being. Self-Worth As for feeling worthless, what they may find is that the loss of their job triggered shame that was already within them. Perhaps, it was this shame that caused them to become so attached to their job to begin with. Through feeling so flawed, they believed that the only way for them to experience a sense of value was to become someone and to achieve something. Being out of touch with their inner value would have set them up to externalise their value. Awareness If this is the case, and one has the means to do so, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After I wrote an article titled ‘you just need to love yourself’ and another titled ‘you just need to let go’, I came to see that there was another area for me to touch upon. Along with these two phrases, there is what can be said if someone is a perfectionist.
If so, they can also be told that they need to stop being a perfectionist or something similar. Someone like this could have the need to be perfect in one area of their life or it could be something that relates to every area of it. Deeply Concerned If someone hears something like this, it could show that the person saying it is worried about the effect that their perfectionist nature is having on them. The other person may see how destructive it is to ones wellbeing. Then again, it could show that they find ones behaviour irritating, which is why they have spoken out. What this can show is that there are at least two reasons as to why something like this would be said. Pros and Cons To say that being a perfectionist only leads to problems would be most likely be an oversight, due to the positive effect that it can have. For example, if someone can manage this part of them and uses it to perform well, it could serve them. In this case, they won’t be controlled by the need to be perfect; instead, they will use it to perform well at their job, for instance. Still, they may still need to remind themselves from time to time to take a step back and to not be too hard on themselves. Not the Same Having said that, it could be said that this is not what a real perfectionist is like; if it was, it would be something that would take over their whole life. Based on this, it will be something gives someone to need to get everything right. As far as they are concerned, there might only be two options: either they can get something right or they can get something wrong. It is then as if their mind only has two extremes, there is no middle ground. Weighed Down Needing to get everything right, and even to always look right, will most likely cause them to experience a hell of a lot of pressure. They may find that they have the tendency to experience a fair amount of anxiety and to be depressed. It is then not going to be much of a surprise if they have the tendency to experience a fair amount of stress. Out of their need to be perfect, they will need to have their guard up at all times, being unable to just be and to relax into their body. No Chance Taking this into account, it is very unlikely that someone like this will just be able to stop behaving in this manner. What is clear is that being a perfectionist is a big part of who they are, if not who they are, at this point in time. One thing that they could do is to look into the thoughts that they have, and to try to manage these. The cognitive behaviour therapy approach may allow them to finally let go of this need and to settle down, or it might not have much of an effect on them. A Deeper Look What someone like this is likely to find, if they go deep within themselves, is that they are carrying a lot of shame. Through feeling so worthless, the only way that they will have value and be accepted by others is if they get everything right. Getting something wrong will be seen as something that would cause other people to see how flawed they are, which would result in them being rejected and abandoned. Their need to be perfect is then a defence against feeling worthless. Final Thoughts Trying to get just everything perfect will be incredibly hard, but facing the shame that is within them will be even harder. Shame is undoubtedly the most painful emotion to experience and, when someone’s whole being is loaded with it, it is going to be normal for them to do everything they can do keep it at bay. Early abuse and/or neglect can set someone up to be loaded with shame as an adult. When it comes to dealing with this early trauma, the assistance of a therapist or a healer will probably be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What is clear about today’s world is that there is no shortage of information; if anything, there is far too much. The trouble is that while the amount of information that is available has rapidly increased over the years, our brains haven’t really changed.
Therefore, in the same way that an appliance will end up being maxed out if too much energy is going into it, our brains can also suffer the same fate when too much information is being sent to them. However, what makes it harder to solve this challenge is that our brains like novelty and are motivated to seek it out. Another Factor Not only this, our brains can end up getting hooked on using different devices, making it even harder for us to pull ourselves away from all this information. This then creates a scenario that is very similar to staying in an abusive relationship, inasmuch as it is clear that it is not healthy but that is not enough for it to end. Naturally, some of the information that we take in will be valuable, while there will be a lot of information that isn’t. Limiting the amount of information that we are exposed to is then going to be vital when it comes to managing our stress levels. The Next Best Thing If you have noticed that being exposed to so much information is not doing your wellbeing any favours, what you can do to feel more settled might be different to someone else. The reason for this is that if you do a lot of work on a device, you will most likely need to spend a fair amount of time online. Even so, there will be things that you can do online to limit the amount of information that you are exposed to. For example, during the moments when you need to go online to do important tasks, you could make sure that you don’t use any social media sites. In The Driver’s Seat This will put less pressure on your brain and give you more energy to focus on what truly matters. Another thing you can do, that’s if you have the inclination to send long messages and emails, is to cut down on the amount you write each time. When it comes to your free time, you could also decide to spend less time online or you could limit the amount of time you spend on social media. You will limit the amount of information you are exposed to by doing this, which will allow your brain to function better. A Conscious Choice By limiting the amount of information you are exposed to, you will have more energy to focus on the information that will actually benefit your life. Undoubtedly, there is a lot of information out there that will just distract you from what matters and fill your mind will things that will make it harder for you to live a fulfilling life. It’s a bit like how it is important to be discerning when it comes to what food we put in our mouth and how often we put it in our mouth. If we eat the wrong food and eat too often, it won’t do us any favours. Final Thoughts Allowing our mind to be distracted by an endless flow of information is a great way to end up being burnt out. Yet, by gaining control of the amount and the type of information that we consume, our mental and emotional health will benefit and, as an extension of that, so will our life.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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