The words addiction and obsession can appear to describe the same thing. And yet there is a clear distinction between the two. An obsession is something that is usually in the mind and can relate to people, things and ideas; so all that is abstract and all that is concrete. On the other hand, an addiction is something that could be described as a doing and relates to the actions that one takes. It is possible for one to be addicted to something without thinking about it all the time; and for someone to be obsessed by something without the need to act on the obsession. Examples One can become obsessed with anything and this can be to do with people who are: actors, musicians, sports stars or models. Just as one can become obsessed with: losing or gaining Weight, looking younger than they are, looking good at all times and to eating the right foods. As well as these examples, one can also be obsessed with: fame, success and winning. And this can relate to a man or a woman that one is in a relationship with or someone who one wished they were in a relationship with. Obsessed The words ‘you’re so obsessed’ are often expressed when one person becomes aware of this in another person. An obsession can then seem to be something that one should feel ashamed of for having. And while it is clear that it could well lead to dysfunctional and unhealthy experiences, it is clearly not black and white. Although it may well be displayed as something to be avoided, it can also lead to incredible productivity, achievement and success. Focus However, this will of course depend on what one is obsessed with. If one is obsessed with losing weight for instance, it can lead to both positive and negative consequences. On the positive side, it will mean that one is likely to stick to the process and not give up on what needs to be done. It could also mean that one will lose sight of everything else in their life and the balance that this would bring; creating intense stress, anxiety and pressure in the process. And due to the attachment that being obsessed creates, it may result in one feeling hopeless, disempowered and even depressed if it doesn’t go to plan. Attachment This gives us an insight into what obsession actually is. It involves the mind attaching to something. And once it has attached to this, be it an idea or a person, it will not let go; A bit like a baby with a dummy. Here ones whole focus will be consumed by an object, idea or fantasy. There will be no space or time for anything else to be allowed into one’s mind. So what the ego mind can do though this process, is to regulate uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions. Regulation An obsession could be labelled as a defence mechanism. At first glance it would be easy to point the finger at ideas, objects or people and to say that these things have power over the person who is obsessed. But this is only part of the equation. Through being attached, they are acting as a distraction and as a way to avoid what is too painful for the mind to face. So, as I mentioned above; they are helping to regulate ones emotions, but this is unlikely to be a long term solution. Part Of Life Unless one lives on a mountain or in the middle of nowhere and away from everything, there is going to be internal unrest at times. And one way to deal with this is to become obsessed to something that will take ones attention away from the pain. And if that is something that will lead to a sense of fulfilment being created and not to long term problems, then it is surely a good thing. At times this may lead to sense of unbalance; but that’s part of life and can’t always be avoided and neither does it need to be. Awareness What is important here is that one is aware enough to monitor this process. To evaluate what is happening and then to decide if it is leading to or will lead to the consequences that one wants to create. It would easy to say an obsession is a bad thing, but it’s obviously not that simple. How emotional aware and intelligent one is, will go a long way to defining what one is obsessed to and how obsessed they become. If this has become a problem in one’s life, then they may need to seek the assistance of a therapist, healer or coach. Or to educate themselves further on this important topic.
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There is a saying by Carl Jung that says - “Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering”. And while this has got to be one of his most famous quotes, it is not easily understood. In today’s world it is often advocated that one should avoid pain at all costs. This is something that comes in many forms and guises. From drugs that are based on removing pain, to alcohol and numerous other things that society provides. And it doesn’t stop in the mainstream society either; a big part of the self-help industry is also based on the avoidance of pain. Here, it is often about positive thinking or affirmations for example and not allowing ones pain to be registered in any way. Good And Bad Life will have moments that make one feel good and moments that make one feel bad. This is normal and part of life. To lose a loved one, to experience the end of a relationship, or a job loss for example, can all have the potential to create intense pain and grief. And while positive thinking clearly has a function in life; what is also clear, is that one cannot think their way out of grief. This is something that will not be removed by the mind; it will take time to dissolve. Pleasure And Pain What is evident, is that pleasure feels a lot better than pain. And the ego mind has all kinds of defences at its disposal to avoid the emotions and feelings of the heart and the body. This can range from: repression, dissociation, avoidance, projection and many others. So the mind by its very nature is designed to avoid facing pain. And although this is so, it is not a negative thing; it is for survival reasons. Without these defences, it would be overwhelming and these allow for some kind of internal regulation to occur. Out Of Mind So while this allows for the mind to settle the whole system and to bring sense of equilibrium back, it is often nothing more than a temporary solution. The emotions and feelings won’t have disappeared just because the mind no longer notices them or rarely comes into contact with them. There is a saying that says ‘’out of sight out of mind’’. And just because something is out of mind, doesn’t mean it’s out of the body. In the short-term it may well appear to have disappeared, but in the long term it will lead to all kind of problems. The challenges On the inside is the way that the ego mind does all that it can to avoiding facing pain and then there are the external hindrances. Perhaps these external challenges are nothing more than a mirror of what is going on within. If within we try to avoid our emotions, then without will simply be a reflection of this avoidance. While some emotions are accepted in our society, some are not. This can then lead to the expression of some and the repression and denial of others. The need to wear a mask and to act a certain way in public is very much part of the modern day world. And again, this requires a denial of how one is feeling and what’s actually going on inside. Normal So what this can lead to, is the experience of not only denying how we are feeling, but to deny who we are. As although we do have a mind, we also have a heart and a body. Each of these has a purpose and a function. Consequences To avoid facing emotions and feelings that have built up from ones childhood and adult challenges and losses; can have the potential to create all kinds of dysfunctional and unhealthy consequences. I believe that as a result of not feeling our pain and allowing it to be released, it can lead to: · Depression · These so-called ‘disorders’ that are around today · Mental problems · Physical Illness · Emotional problems · Addictions · Obsessions · Violence · Abuse · Suicide · Self harm · Irrational fears · Relationship problems · Reactive behaviour · Obesity A Process This does not mean that one is forever stuck in their emotions, what it likely means is that one allows the natural emotional flow to take place. The reason they have created so many problems and become so overwhelming is due to their existence being ignored for so long. Feeling Safe However, in order to face ones pain and to let it go, one has to feel safe to do so. And this has got to be one of the biggest challenges around this. Just like breathing, were one breathes in and breathes out. When an emotion is felt, it will need to be released. This will often not be possible in the moments that they arise, but this doesn’t mean that they have to be denied for weeks, months or even years after. One of the reasons therapists, healers, coaches or trusted friends are so powerful here, is that they will allow one to feel safe enough to feel what is really going on. To embrace how they truly feel and not to pretend that everything is fine. Real Strength It is often thought that strength comes from not letting anything affect who one is and to not give in to ones emotions. This has been true for men for a long time; they cannot cry, for that is a sign of weakness. And of course women can cry as they are allowed. The trouble is, even though they both look different, both men and women have emotions. So if anything, to be in touch with ones emotions is a sign of strength and courage. And it will also lead to a more healthy, functional and whole human being.
When it comes to current societal problems, the word addiction is often mentioned. And there are certain things that are generally spoken about, when it comes to what people are addicted to. These are often: drugs, alcohol and gambling for instance. And due to the exposure that these addictions have received over the years, they have become the symbols of addiction. This has lead to varying degrees of stigma being attached to them. However, even though one can clearly become addicted to these things; there are also many other things that one can become addicted to. And yet some addictions are more socially acceptable than others. This means that there will be addictions that are frowned upon and others that are overlooked. So based on this outlook, one person can then feel ashamed for what they are addicted to and another can feel that what they do is acceptable and commendable, even though it may also be an addiction. Black And White? It would then be easy to come to the conclusion that addictions are a bad thing and need to be avoided at all costs. And this is due to the associations that have been formed around addictions. Through looking a little deeper it becomes evident that it is not only alcohol or drugs that one can become addicted to; one can become addicted to almost anything. This can relate to just about everything under the sun. Now, sometimes an addiction can be extremely destructive and take over one’s life. And other times it can be something that is extremely productive and yet still be within ones control. Growth Or Destruction? Being addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling is inevitably going to have detrimental effects and these can affect ones physical, emotional and mental health, as well as ones finances. It can also lead to one becoming incredibly proficient in a certain area of life. In order to gain a level of mastery in just about any area of life, it takes continued practice. And to become addicted to perfecting ones craft, whatever that may be, is a great way to make this a reality. This is not to say that just because one does display additive characteristics that it has to take over their life. What one was addicted to at one stage in their life may have had a beneficial purpose and as time has changed, it no longer had a purpose. And here, one changed their focus to something else. Acceptable Addictions So while some things are socially known as addictions and are labelled as bad; there’s many others addictions that people can have that can be just as destructive. And these can be things that are held in high esteem by society. Here one may be addicted to: volunteering, helping/pleasing others and working. Although these may well be looked upon as commendable things to do; they can also become out of control and destructive. What’s The Purpose? As addictions have the potential to be both constructive and destructive, depending on factors such as what one becomes addicted to and for how long; it could be said that addictions are very much part of the human experience. They are very much part of the modern day world and each one of us is addicted to something. This maybe be something that is classed as good, bad or even neutral It would be easy to blame the common external things, such as drugs or alcohol, but these addictions and any others for that matter are just consequences. What they lead to is internal regulation. Regulation To be human, is to have emotions. Now, some people are aware of them and some people are not, but either way, they are there. And what one does when emotions arise will often depend on how emotional intelligent they are. The ego mind is all about control and an addiction allows the ego mind to control ones emotions. It becomes a ritual for one to regulate their emotions. And this can happen so naturally and quickly that one is not even aware of their emotions. So as this is one way that the ego mind functions, it is not much of a surprise to see that human beings are generally addicts by nature. This could be an addiction that is beneficial or it could be one that is extremely destructive. And the type of addictions that one has will depend on different things. Possible Causes Ones adult life and childhood can play a big part in ones addictions. What ones friends and caregivers did, as a way to deal with their internal processes, can all be copied. As well as the options that society offers for regulation. It could be that through experiencing a childhood where one didn’t receive empathic care, one didn’t develop the ability to regulate themselves. Empathic care would be when one had a caregiver that generally: validated, mirrored and tuned into their needs and emotions. Through doing this, one would then be able to internalise this way of being. And as a result of this, gradually develop the ability to regulate their own emotions or to seek others to assist in this process. If this kind of early care did not take place, then it is unlikely that one will then be able to regulate their emotions. That is unless they seek the assistance of a therapist, friend or healer in later life to try and correct this. And then, looking to external sources to regulate ones inner processes will be a natural consequence. Awareness The general views that we are given though the media are often biased and unhelpful. And rarely get to the heart of something. I would say that one of the reasons why addictions have become such a problem in the modern day world is due to emotional repression. Emotional intelligence is often the exception and not the rule in the western world. And having said that, this is gradually starting to change as a result of people become more self aware.
We all live on a planet called earth and are all effected by the natural laws of this earth. And while there are some things such as these that we can all relate to, when it comes to our own lives, there can be radical differences. How people experience and perceive life can vary from person to person. And that is without comparing people from extremely different parts of the world. One person for instance can walk through a populated area and have one experience and another can have an experience that is very different. For one person it might have been something that was pleasurable and pleasant. And for another it may have induced anxiety and caused unpleasant feelings to arise The Reality While the example above may seem fairly insignificant and not very dramatic, there are plenty more examples that emphasise this point. And what often gets in the way of seeing them is that one can think that their reality is reality. So how one experiences the world, then becomes what the world is like. This then becomes the truth and how life is. Relationships A big part of this relates to relationships and how the opposite sex is seen. For a man it could be that all women are seen as being one way. And for a woman it could be that all men are a certain way. But even though there will be other perspectives on what men and women are like; it can be normal for one to see their perspective as being the truth. It might not be seen as just how one experiences men or women, it will be seen as how they are. And that there could be another possibility will then be dismissed and rejected. One thing that one can do to prove that this is the truth is to seek out people who have the same experience of reality. Here their perception will be validated and mirrored by others. Religion Another thing that demonstrates a difference in how one experiences reality is religion. There are numerous religions around today and some have been around for aeons and others for only a number of years. Now to one person one religion will often be seen as the truth and for others this may be wrong; with their religion of choice being very different. And the same process of getting together with others who have the same view and dismissing those who don’t can occur. People When it comes to what people are like, some people will say that they can’t be trusted. And as a result of this they either have to be watched all the time or that one has to watch their back all of the time. To be trust another would then be naive and a dangerous thing to do; unless one wants to be taken for a ride or taken advantage of. For others, people will generally be seen as trustworthy and able to be relied upon. Although some may well be untrustworthy, this doesn’t completely influence how they see other people. So this causes them to typically attract people who are trustworthy. And the people, who are not, get filtered out due to being outnumbered by the people who are trustworthy in ones reality. Possible And Impossible There are some achievements that were classed as impossible by some people and then one person or a group of people came along and proved them wrong. This has happened in the past and will continue to happen. And this doesn’t have to relate to something that will go into the history books or something that will be seen on the mainstream media. It could be relate to a personal situation in one’s life. A situation could be created where it appears that there is no solution available. And based on this viewpoint, one gives up and says it’s impossible. But when the situation is looked at through another person’s eyes, it is not long before a solution is found. Who’s Right And Who’s Wrong? Through going through each of these different examples, it would be easy to label one person as being right and another person as being wrong. But based on each person’s reality, they are both right. And the reason for this is that we are all interpreting reality through our own filters. How one experiences life and perceive others is based on their own perceptions of life. So while one thing may seem obvious or perfectly clear to one person, it can be seen differently to another. Through being surrounded by so many things that validate ones views of life, it can be easy to conclude that this is the absolute truth. Boundaries These allow one to feel safe to be themselves. To know where one begins and ends and where another person begins and ends, is what boundaries lead to. And when these are in place, one will have a sense of what is their reality and what is another person’s reality. The need to be right will not be as strong and simply because one understands that their reality is not the reality. The Ego Mind It is incredibly important for the ego mind to be right and this is the result of what it means to be right. At the deepest level, being right means that one is safe and to be wrong means death. And what is classed as familiar is what is interpreted as safe to the ego mind. So at a deeper level, we are pulled to situations and people that resonate with what is familiar to our ego mind. And repelled by situations and people that go against what feels familiar. Awareness To be aware of how of how the mind works, will enable one to see if what is right in their reality is assisting them or limiting them. And this then creates the opportunity to change ones reality to a version of reality that assists them.
To be seen as perfect is very much a part of the of the modern day world. And this doesn’t only relate to one’s ability in life; it also plays a part in how one looks and in how one feels. Clear examples of this can be found in the media and the fairly recent introduction of anti aging products. To be wrinkle free, have the perfect skin and to never age, is gradually becoming the norm. The importance of exercise and looking after ones physical healthy has been around for many years. And this is something that has now been turned into another area where one must look perfect. Subjective Ideals These are just some of the things that are current society holds up as what perfection is. And upon closer inspection of these ideals, we can see that they are subjective. They are not objective and set in stone. When it comes to the perfect body, one person may come up with one description and for another person it may be something else. To perpetually look like a teenager might be what one person values; for another, having wrinkles will be a sign of having character and therefore accepted. Acceptance So through matching up to ideals such as those mentioned above of what perfection is, one will then get to feel a certain way and to gain acceptance. And as these are areas where one has the chance to receive high levels of approval from people, they are may appear to be the ideal options to pursue. But while perfection may be sought as a way to gain approval from others and to therefore feel good about oneself; it won’t necessarily lead to a sense of fulfilment. All that could be occurring is the regulation of one’s inner fears. A Mask Even though trying to be perfect is seen as normal and as ‘part of the world’ it is there for a reason. And one of the primary reasons for this is the result of what’s going on at a level that is invisible to the eyes. Through matching up to what is classed as perfect, it allows one to avoid having to face what it would mean to not be perfect. And this is something that can be subjective and at the same time there will probably be general patterns that exist. Meaning To not be seen as perfect can lead to extreme emotional pain and if these emotions, feelings or thoughts are not dealt with, there will be two options. Either one becomes consumed by the emotions and faces the consequences of being imperfect. Or they do all that they can to be perfect and this will lead to at least a temporary regulation of the unpleasant thoughts and emotions. So, in order to keep this process up, it is inevitable going to create a lot of stress, pressure and tension. High levels of anxiety and fear are also likely to exist. Associations What this comes down to is what the ego mind has associated around being imperfect. The ego mind forms associations around everything and once these associations are in palace, it will be what is interpreted as familiar and therefore safe. And to the mind there will be no other ways of being. These associations will trigger emotions and thoughts. Ones personal reality will be shaped by them and how one sees others will also be influenced by them. Examples While there can be numerous associations of what it means to be imperfect, there will be some common themes. And these can be: · That one will be rejected · That one will be a failure · That one will be unlovable · That one will be abandoned · That one will be unworthy · That one will be ignored · That one will be humiliated Causes The causes of these associations can be from what happened to one as an adult and what happened to them as a child. Perhaps one didn’t get something right as an adult and this made them feel that it wasn’t safe to get something wrong. And as a child, it could have been that one had a one of experience or multiple experiences of only being accepted and loved when they did everything right. So creating a mask of being perfect to feel safe then become a natural response to an unhealthy environment. By internalising the negativity around them, one came to believe that they were inherently flawed. And due to the ego minds dual nature, it caused one to try to be perfect as a way to avoid the pain that would surface if they were not. Awareness For as long as the ego mind has these associations around being perfect, one will likely attract people and end up in situations that mirror them. The mind is constantly looking for that which it believes to be true. And what is believes to be true is these associations. Although they are creating drama and pain in one’s life, they are what the ego mind is interpreting as familiar and familiar is what is safe. So at the deepest level; to go against them would mean death. This may require the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach. Or it may just be a case of becoming aware of these associations and then changing them.
It could be said that comparing oneself with another is a natural part of living in the modern day world. And it is also true that this doesn’t necessarily have to be something that is negative or disempowering. There are of course certain comparisons that can be made, without ones wellbeing being affected. One can compare themselves with others as a way to improve on what they do and as inspiration. They also allow one to make sense of the world and are vital for survival. This is something that is likely to become a problem when one feels less than another or that they are missing something for instance. The Ego Mind And The Heart And due to the ego mind seeing in polarities, it is not much of a surprise to see how much of our world is based on comparison. This can also lead to a competitive outlook. On the other hand, the heart is all about oneness and does not seek to compare one thing with another. Everything just is and comparison doesn’t come into it. However, the world that we live in is generally a result of the mind and not the heart; so comparison is the norm. From The Beginning And from the moment one is born, the comparing begins. This could be with ones siblings, other children or their caregivers. Up next is typically the learning environment, so this is usually: school, college and university. When it comes to these environments, one is often put into a class and this is usually based on how clever they are. The challenge here is that this is based on one measuring up to something that has been created by other human beings. This means that it is subjective and therefore not the truth. And although this is the case, if one doesn’t match up to these requirements they can often go through their whole life with a sense of inferiority or failure. The Diamond Within What one brings to the world is largely ignored through this way of teaching. And what right does anyone have when it comes to defining if someone is clever or not? We all have something unique to offer and this won’t always be revealed through following external rules or expectations. A personal Journey Even though we are all human beings and are all on the same planet; we are all on a personal journey. Our paths will cross with some people more than others and yet each experience that we have is subjective. And this means that the challenges that one person may have, can be completely different to the challenges that another person may have. These are often challenges that can’t be recognised through looking at another, but they may be partly felt through empathising with them. Honouring Ones Path Through comparing oneself with others, it may appear that the challenges that one is facing are more difficult than those of others or they may seem easier. However, this is all matter of perspective. And in order to come to a more balanced and accurate perspective; one needs to look at where they have come from and the challenges that they have overcome. This is where a true sense of achievement will be gained. Awareness It is important to monitor the mind and to observe its tendency to see life in a way that is either black or white. Through looking at life this way, it can create all kinds of unnecessary dramas. While others can inspire us and be examples of what is possible, they can never be used as a true reflection of how well we are or are not doing. And one of the reasons for this is that no one has ever walked in our shoes and neither can we ever walk in another’s shoes.
When it comes to the outlook of what men are like, there is clearly not just one idea that a woman can have. And while some have an idea that men are a certain way, others view them in a completely different way. And no matter what this view is, it is one that is going to have massive effect on the woman who are attracted to men and therefore want to have a healthy and functional relationship with one. This is not only limited to intimacy and the men that women are attracted to, it will also relates of course to the men that are found in other contexts. These could be: colleagues, friends and family members. Two Ideas As we all have something known as a conscious mind and an unconscious mind, or to make it easier, let’s say things that we are consciously aware of and things we are not; it can create conflict. The desire at a conscious level to want a man that is supportive, loving, respectful or anything else that a women may desire, can be in direct opposition to what is expected when it comes to men at an unconscious level. Expectations Here, a woman is likely to have a set of expectations when it comes to what a man is like. And these could be expectations that lead to experiences of feeling empowered and fulfilled or they could be experiences of feeling disempowered and unfulfilled. But even though these are simply expectations, they will go a long way to defining how a woman sees a man. These expectations will be what make up a women’s perception of men and even the type of man she attracts. The Truth Now, for the woman who has attracted her ideal man or does attract the type of men that she wants; these expectations will not be a problem. And yet for the woman who can only dream about attracting this type of man; these expectations will cause problems. These expectations may seem to be the truth and how men are. And this is due to the power that they have over ones reality. At a deeper level, they are what are familiar and safe to the ego mind. Associations The ego mind forms associations around things that have become familiar and are therefore classed as safe. This usually relates to experiences that one has had numerous times or that were traumatic. And once an association has been made, it will be what one feels comfortable with at a deeper level. It will not matter if this is something that is healthy or functional. As a result of feeling comfortable, it will also mean that it will be what one is attracted to. Examples So for the women who doesn’t attract the kind of man or men that she wants, let’s take a look at what some of these associations can be, when it comes to what men are like: · That they are controlling · That they are abusive · That they can’t be trusted · That they are distant · That they always lie · That they only want one thing · That one will be abandoned · That one will be rejected · That one will be forgotten about or ignored · That one is unworthy of being loved These are just some of the numerous associations that a woman can have when it comes to their idea of a man. Causes When it comes to the causes of a women’s idea of what a man is like, it is probably the early childhood environment. And while the primary caregiver is often a woman and does have an effect, the strongest influence is usually the father. How a woman is treated as a child by her father and how her father treats her mother and other women in his life, will all make a different. It is here that a women’s ego mind will form the associations of what feels comfortable. If their father was distant, abusive, absent (physically or emotionally), controlling or critical for instance, this can then be what feels familiar and therefore safe to the mind. And these early experiences don’t have to be extremely dysfunctional either. It could simply be that they created a greater tolerance in the woman for this kind of behaviour. What Does This All Mean? So what this all means is that a woman will continue to be attracted to men that are like this and to interpret men into his way. And not because this is the truth or what all men are like, but because this is what feels safe at a deeper level. If they were to attract or to be around a guy that was different or the type of man they actually wanted, they might even sabotage the chance. Or perhaps their mind would just filter it out and not even recognise the man for who is he. Due to the ego mind seeing in absolutes and everything being black or white; all men will be seen as being the same. There will be no chance of any other possibilities. Awareness The most important thing to realise here is that the associations that the mind has are not fixed and can be changed. In order to see another type of man, there has to be a change from within. At times it may appear that men are just men and one is just observing what is going on, but one is actually seeing life based on their own perceptions. So in order to change this, it may require the help of a therapist, coach or a healer. And for others, becoming aware of these associations and then acting and thinking different may be enough.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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