If someone wanted to assist others, there are a number of things that they could do. For one thing, they could end up doing some kind of volunteering, and this would allow them to have a positive effect on the world.
But if this wasn’t something that interested them, they could decide to become a teacher and/or to teach something in their spare time. Having said that, they might be in a position where they have the desire to be there for people who have mental and emotional challenges. Another Direction As a result of this, they could decide to become a therapist or some kind of coach, for instance. And along with their desire to help people that have inner problems, they could also want to work with people whose relationships are not going as they would like them to go. It is then going to be important for them to get the right training, and this is something that is unlikely to happen overnight. However, if one is committed to assisting others, this is unlikely to be something that will trouble them. Point Of Focus If one doesn’t want to put the work in, it could be a sign that they want to do something else. Part of them has the desire to assist others, but a bigger part of them would rather do something else. Yet when a big part of them does want to be there for others, it will be a lot easier for them to focus. It will then be possible for them to tolerate what they have to go through in the short-term. A Fulfilling Experience Having said that, there is also the chance that one will enjoy this process, and they will then be in no rush to move beyond this stage. It could then be said that this will show that one is on the right path, so to speak. Now, this is not to say that one won’t have moments when they feel frustrated or fed up, as they could still have ups and downs. This could be seen as a normal part of the process; especially as one will be learning about something new. Training When it comes to the path that one will take in order to be able to assist others, they could end up going to college or university. At the same time, they might go on some kind of course. Alternatively, they could do all these things, and this could then show that they want to get the best training they can get. What it could also show is that one is in a position where it is not possible for them to feel as though they are good enough, and it will then be necessary for them to keep learning. The Difference Now, this is not going to be the same as when someone assists others and learns at the same time; what it relates to is when one doesn’t feel as though they are ready no matter what they do. This is then going to be similar to someone who spends all their time learning how to play a violin, but doesn’t feel ready to play in front of an audience. It is then not that they are not good enough; it is that they believe that they are not good enough. Through being this way, it won’t matter how good they get, as they won’t be able to go to the next stage. The Next Step When one does feel ready, they could start to look into what route they will take, or they might already have made their mind up. For example, one might want to work for someone else, or they might prefer to work for themselves. But if they prefer to work for themselves, it doesn’t mean that they will do this straight away. The reason for this is that they might believe that it would be better for them to work for someone else first, as this will allow them to gain experience, among other things. Age Once they start to assist others, they could find that their age has an effect on the kind of feedback that they get. For example, if one is relatively young, there could be times when people ask them if they are old enough to do what they do. This could also happen if one was to talk about what they do, and this will show that these people believe that someone needs to be a certain age in order to assist other people. Therefore, if one was about twenty or thirty years older, they would be seen as being ‘ready’. Life Experience If one was to ask them about why they have this outlook, they could say that this is because they haven’t experienced much. So once they have had more life experience, they will be in position where they can assist others. Yet what this overlooks is the fact that one may have been through far more that someone twice their age. Not only that, they may have taken the time to process that they have been through; whereas when someone is a lot older, they might not have taken the time to do so. Depth This can then mean that even though one is a lot younger, they could have far more depth than someone who is a lot older. It could then be said that it is irrelevant how old someone is; what matters is whether they have taken the time to face themselves. If one had a challenging childhood, for instance, and they have worked through it, there will be no reason why they can’t assist others in the same way. This will have given them a greater understanding of themselves, and this will make it a lot easier for them to understand others. Conclusion When one wants to make a difference in the lives of others, it will be vital for them to fulfil this need. What other people say about their age is simply a reflection of the parts of themselves that they haven’t faced, and this means that one doesn’t need to pay attention to it. But if it does have a strong effect on them, it could be a sign that they need to reflect on what is taking place within them. There is the chance that this kind of feedback is triggering something from the past that they need to work on.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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There are some people who say ‘yes’ from time to time, and then there are others who more or less always say it. One way of looking at this would be to say that the people who fall into the second group are going to be in a better position.
This is because they can be seen as people who embrace life, and this is then going to make their life more enjoyable. However, when this doesnt take place, they can be seen as people who sit on the sidelines, so to speak. One Option Based on this outlook, if one wants to get the most out of their time on this earth, it will be important for them to say ‘yes’ as much as they can. Yet if they don’t want to make the most out of the life they have been given, it won’t matter if they say ‘yes’. If one wants to get an idea of what it means to say ‘yes’ to others, they could imagine being asked by one their friends to go out. Through agreeing to go out, they are likely to have a good time. Another Area Alternatively, one could see themselves at work, and this could be a time when their manager is asking them if they would like to take part in some kind of training, for instance. This could be something that would allow them to go to the next level, or it might create a good impression. Clearly, it would be a good idea for them to say ‘yes’ if this was to happen; if they were to say ‘no’, it could take them longer to move forward. In fact, they might not get the opportunity again, and one would then be sabotaging their life. Relationships Along with this, if one is attracted to someone and they were ask them if they would like to go out some time, it would be in their best interests to say ‘yes’. Through saying this word, it would give them the chance to get to know the other person better. This could then allow them to have a fulfilling relationship with them, or they might just have a good time together. But if they were to say ‘no’, they wouldn’t get the chance to find out what they are like. The List Goes On There are many other ways in which one’s life can be enhanced through saying ‘yes’, and after seeing these examples, it might be hard to see why anyone would want to experience life differently. It would be easy to come to the conclusion that people are missing out if they don’t say ‘yes’. Even so, this doesn’t mean that it is always appropriate for one to say ‘yes’, and the reason for is that this would also cause one to experience problems. At times it will be a good idea for one to go along with something, and at other times it won’t be. Point Of Focus When someone says that it is better to say ‘yes’ in life, it could be a sign that they are only thinking about the times when it has had a positive effect on their life. As a result of this, it could cause them to overlook the moments when it was necessary for them to say ‘no’. Therefore, by only focusing on certain experiences, they end up coming across as though they are out of balance. Thus, if one was to spend a few days with them, they might soon realise that this is someone who is able to use both words. Another Experience Having said that, they could also be in a position where they are unable to say ‘no’, and this will show that they are out of balance. It is then going to be important for them to do what other people want and to overlook their own needs. It the outsider, they could come across as though they are only too happy to please others, but at a deeper level, this is going to be far from the truth. Yet as this is what allows them to receive approval, they are unlikely to behave differently. Conflict On the other hand, one could be only too aware of how destructive their behaviour is, and this means that they will realise that their behaviour doesn’t match up with who they are. One will then have the need to say ‘no’, but it won’t be possible for them to say it. When one says ‘yes’ it could be something that just seems to happen, and it could then be seen as something that they have no control over. It is then similar to how one can open a door without having to think about what they are doing. Consequences While being able to say ‘yes’ may enable them to have good experiences and to move forward in life, there is a strong chance that this won’t make up for the other things that they go through. For one thing, it could be normal for them to be walked over, and they could even be used to being abused by others. They could believe that other people define how they live their life, and it this could then mean that they spend a lot of life feeling hopeless. Under the mask that they wear, they could carry a lot of anger, and there could be times when they explode. It’s Safe If one was to reflect on why the experience life this way, they could come to see that this is what feels comfortable. So although they want to experience life differently, it can be seen as something that would threaten their very survival. One thing that one could then do is to go against the pressure that is within them and force themselves to say ‘no’. Another thing they could do is to look back on their life and to see if there was a time when it wasn’t safe for them to say ‘no’. Childhood If they were to do this, they may find that it relates to what took place during their early years. This could have been a time when they experienced some kind for abuse and/or they may have been neglected. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist. This can be a time when one will be dealing with what is taking place in their mind and their body.
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While there are some people who are unable to get angry, there are others who are more or less always angry. As a result of this, it could be said that these people are out of balance.
At Times Still, if one is not always angry, then they could be in a position where they have moments when they are unable to contain themselves. In this case, one could be angry around certain people. Having said that, they could find that they get wound up even if they are not around them, and this could mean that they only need to think about them. Or they could end up talking about someone and this could cause them to be angry. The Opposite The kind of experience they have is going to be radically different to the one that someone has when they don’t get angry. This is going to mean that it won’t matter who they are around, as it won’t have an effect on them. In fact, they could come across as though nothing fazes them, and it can then be normal for them to receive positive feedback from others. What this shows is how anger is generally seen as something negative. Control One can be seen as though they have self-control, and this can allow one to come to the conclusion that they are doing the right thing. As far as they are concerned, anger could be seen as something that is destructive. Thus, one can believe that they are better than the people who are being controlled by their anger. Even so, this doesn’t mean that one wont experience challenges through being unable to embrace their anger. Another Option For one thing, they can be used to being walked over by others, and they may find it hard to do anything in life. Now, this is not to say that one has to lose control; what it means is that they can develop the ability to contain their anger. When this happens, one is not denying how they feel, and they are not allowing how they feel to control them either. Through being this way, one will be able to pay attention to the information that is within them. A Picture This is then similar to what would happen if one was to hold a picture up so that they could see what it is. If it was too far away, one wouldn’t know what is was, and if it was too close, it would just be a blur. When one can contain their emotions, they will be able to know how they feel without being overwhelmed. However, when one is unable to do this, it will be as if they are holding a picture too close to their eyes, (or if they have disconnected from them, it will be as if it is too far away). Caught Up Their emotions will be out of control and it won’t be possible for them to think clearly, and it is to be expected that they will act in ways that are destructive. As they are unable to contain their emotional experience, they will have no other choice. This could also be a time where one is not even aware of how they feel, and this will show that they have identified with what is taking place within them. It is then not that they are experiencing anger; it is that they are angry. Power Yet even though they will lose control of themselves when they get angry, they are going to get something from the experience. If one was able to step back from the experience, they would probably find that they end up feeling powerful. One can feel as though they are untouchable, and there is then going to be no reason for them to change. But even if they were to see how destructive their behaviour is, it might not have an effect on them. Closer Look If they only feel powerful when they are caught up in their anger, it is likely to be a sign that it stops them from having to face how they feel at a deeper level. Through being this way, they are not going to want to let go of their anger. Or if one only ends up being overwhelmed by anger around certain people, for instance, they are not going to want to let it go when they are in their company. If they were to do this, they could end up feeling vulnerable. Stuck Thus, unless something happens, one is likely to continue to experience life in this way. If they were to change, it could because something bad has happened, or it might show that they are experienced an internal shift. One way of looking at this would be to say that their life won’t change until they are no longer willing to avoid how they feel. Once they feel strong enough to do this, they will be able to integrate their anger. A Painful Experience If one was to get into touch with how they feel bellow their anger, they may find that their feelings relate to a time when they were violated in some way. This could have been during their adult years, or it could go back to their childhood. What this will show is that although time has passed, what took place is still defining their life. Through being aware of why they behave as they do, it will give them the opportunity to do something about it. Awareness But even if one is not aware of why they behave as they do, it doesn’t mean that they have to carry on as they are. What one can do is to reach out for the support of a therapist, and this will allow them to move forward. One can do the same thing even if they are aware of why they have the tendency to be caught up in their anger. During this time, one can also develop the ability to contain their emotions.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
While it is relatively easy to say ‘yes’, the same can’t be said when it comes to saying ‘no’. In fact, there are going to be plenty of people who are unable to say ‘no’, and it could then be said that it doesn’t mean much when they say ‘yes’.
What this emphasises is how important it is for one to be able to say both words. As if they are unable to do so, it is likely to show that they find it hard to stand their ground. A Common Perspective At the same time, one of these words is often seen in a positive light and the other is often seen in a negative light. For example, one can prefer other people to say ‘yes’ as this will allow them to fulfil their needs. Along with this, if one was to say ‘no’, it could cause them to receive a negative reaction from someone. Thus, due to situations such as these, it can create the impression that one word is better than the other. Approval If one is in a position where they need a lot of approval from others people, it could be normal for them to go along with what other people want. This is then going to mean that they will have the tendency to ignore their own needs. Even so, the people that they surround themselves with could believe that they are doing the right thing. And as they are doing what other people want, it could be said that this is to be expected. A Different Experience But if one was to expect these people to always say ’yes’ to them, there is a strong chance that they would have a radically different experience. They would probably start to get angry, and they would start to wonder why they are ignoring their own needs. Based on this, if the people that they are surrounded with are only too happy for them to constantly ignore their own needs, it could be said that they don’t care about them. They are seen as someone who is there to fulfil their needs, and that’s as far as it goes. Overlooked However, if one has the tendency to say ‘yes’, other people could come to the conclusion that it’s because they want to. There is then going to be no reason for them to believe that they are taking advantage of them. If someone was to describe them, they could say that one likes to go with the flow, or that they are always happy to lend a hand, for instance. It might then be accurate to say that one is going to be quiet popular. Another Experience Having said that, this might not be the case, and one could be used to being around people who are only too happy to take advantage of them. One is then not going to simply help people when they want to, or to agree to do things that they don’t want to do; they could end up being harmed in some way. Perhaps one could be in a relationship with someone who physically abuses them, or they could agree to do things that go against their best interests. But regardless of whether one feels frustrated in life or completely violated, it is going to be a challenge for them to appreciate the life that they have been given. A Closer Look Yet even though saying ‘yes’ is often seen as being better than saying ‘no’ in today’s world, it doesn’t mean that one’s society has the biggest effect on whether or not they are able to stand their ground. In order for one to understand why they find it hard to do this, it might be better for them to look at what took place during their childhood years. As if one finds it hard to speak their truth as an adult, it is likely to be a sign that they were unable to do this as a child. During the beginning of their life, this could have been a time when their boundaries were not respected. Association Through having these experiences, one would have learnt that it wasn’t safe for them to stand their ground. If they were to do this, it could have caused them to experience even more harm. Therefore, even though time has passed and one is no longer a powerless child, they are still experiencing life in the same way. Once one starts to see why they are experience life in this way and they want to move forward, it will give them the chance to experience life differently. A New Start One could start to develop boundaries by working with a therapist and/or a support group, for instance. Now, this is unlikely to be something that will take place overnight, but it will be worth it in the long run. Once one feels safe enough to say ‘no’, their existing relationships are likely to change, and they could start to attract new people into their life. Yet as one will be expressing their true-self for the first time in their life, this is to be expected. Resistance While some of one’s relationships could improve, there could be others that begin to disintegrate. This is because one will no longer be willing to do what they did before, and this can mean that other people will feel rejected. These people could then talk about how they feel, or they could avoid how they feel and become antagonistic. So instead of being able to recognise that one has made a positive change in their life, they will see it as something negative. Point Of Focus It will then be important for one to think about how far they have come and to cut their ties with people who are unable to embrace who they have become. Through doing this, they will create the space to attract people who can support them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Knowledge: Why Do Some People Believe That Their Childhood Did Not Have An Effect On Them?3/7/2016
When it comes to the kinds of challenges that one can face during their adult years, it can be normal for them to believe that their childhood hasn’t played a part. What they are going through is then going to be seen as a reflection of what has taken place in their adult years.
If they don’t have this outlook, it could be put down to something else, or it could be seen as being the result of a number of different factors. But regardless of whether it is seen as another factor or number of different factors, they are unlikely to be the only ones with this outlook. A Common Outlook One reason why this is the case is because there is generally a greater focus on the external world; this then sets people up to look outside for answers. But if the focus is moved to what is taking place within, it doesn’t mean that it will relate to what is taking place at a deeper level. Instead, it could be a time when it is about genetics, or what is happening in the brain, for instance. Therefore, even though this is a different approach, it is still going to be something that is out of someone’s control. A Victim If one was to believe that their genetics are the reason why they are experiencing life in a certain way, it could give them a sense of relief. For one thing, this will be something that allows them to put their mind at rest, so to speak. However, while they can come to the conclusion that they understand why their life is the way it is, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be moments when they feel completely powerless. It might be possible for them to bring themselves out of this state form time to time by bringing their attention to why they feel this way. A Burden Even so, one is going to feel as though their life being held back by something they have no control over and this can make them feel hopeless. They are not being held back by themselves; they are being held back by what was passed onto them. And even if they believe that their life is also being affected by a chemical imbalance, they are still not going to be much better off. The difference is that when it relates to an imbalance, there is a strong chance that they will be able to change this. Mixed Results One could end up taking something and this could cause them to feel better, or they could end up disconnecting from how they feel. There is then the chance that they will end up experiencing even more problems by taking something. This then empathises how limiting it is for one to believe that their life is being defined by something they have more or less no control over. But when so many people identify with this outlook, it can be a challenge for one to change their perception. External World Having said that, one might not focus on these things and they could say that it simply is due to what is taking place around them. For example, one could be surrounded by people who are self-centred, and they could be seen as the problem. Or one could have a career that is not very fulfilling and it could be seen as the reason why they are not very happy in life. There is also the chance that one can relate to both of these examples, as well as many others. A Pattern But while one could focus on a few people and/or on where they work, they could also take a step back. Through doing this, they might begin to see that they have been in this position before. This could then mean that they will continue to believe that what is taking place around them is the problem, or they could start to wonder if there is more to it. One thing they could then do is to reach out for external support. On The Surface During this time, one could look for advice on how to change their life, and this could cause them to focus on their behaviour. If they were to work with someone, they could end up having counselling or some kind of behavioural therapy, for instance. There will then be no need for them to look into their childhood, and they will be able to focus on the here and now. After a while they could find that their life begins to change and it might no longer be necessary for them to receive the same support. Stuck However, even if their life doesn’t change, it doesn’t that they will take a deeper look. It then won’t matter if their childhood has had an effect on how they are experiencing life, as they won’t take the time to find out. But as they are an adult and their childhood is in the past, it could be said that this is to be expected. What could also play a part here is if their early years were abusive, and as a way to deal with what happened, their mind has blocked the past out. Idealisation One can then say that their childhood was fine, or that it wasn’t that bad, for instance. This defence mechanism then allows them to avoid pain, but at the same time, it causes them to recreate the past. The challenge is that as they have disconnected from what took place, they are unable to see how their present reflects their past. Along with this, if one has experienced life in the same way for a long time and it has become normal, then this can also make it harder for them to see how their early years may have played a part in how they currently experience life. Awareness What this shows is how important it is for one to have an open mind, and through being this way, it will make it easier for them to change their life. The main thing is that one is curious and that they are not prepared to give up. If one can see that their early years have had an effect on how they are currently experience life, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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