When I started a new job in the beginning of 2010, it took me a while to settle down. One of reason for this was that before I started this job, I had gone on holiday to Bali and Australia and I had been on a healing course in Belgium just before I headed over there.
In addition to this, I wasn’t happy with someone else telling me when I had to work and when I could go home. It wasn’t all bad, though, as I got the chance to speak to lots of people each day. My First Love During this time, I hadn’t written any articles or books; the only kind of writing I did at this point was in a journal. What I liked about this was that I could get my thoughts down, and this made it easier for me to see what was going on. Therefore, even though I hadn’t got the point where I came to see how much I enjoyed writing, I was only too aware of how much I enjoyed talking to people. What played a big part in my ability to communicate with others was that I grew up in a guest house. A Wide Range of People We had people stay there from all over the world, and we even had students stay over at Christmas. I watched how my parents behaved around people and I could learn from the people who stayed with us. The experiences that I had, along with my natural curiosity, gave me the ability and the desire to talk to people. Having an emotionally unstable mother also gave me an enhanced ability to read people. I Put In the Effort In the beginning I spoke to just about everyone who worked there and, as time passed, I only spoke to the ones who were willing to put in the same amount of effort. There were a few people who I got on well with, and it was always a pleasure to talk to them. But due to the kind of job that I had, I didn’t expect to come into contact with people who I would become close friends with. The good thing about this job was that a number of students worked there during the summer and at other moments throughout the year. A Different Dynamic What this meant was that I had the chance to speak to people who were committed to learning and moving forward in life. There was a time when one of these students was sent over to where I was working, and this guy was different. I soon found out that his name was Lewis, and he spoke about how much of an effect his late granddad had had on his life. It was clear that he had his heart and mind in the right place. Positive Feedback If I remember rightly, he said that he was surprised that someone as intelligent as me was working there. I told him about what I was into, what I did in my spare time and what my views were on certain things. I was slightly confused as to why someone would say something like this about me; I didn’t see myself as being particularly bright. After all, I had a very basic job and I just had an interest in self-development. My Outlook The interest thing about this was that I was just as surprised to meet someone like him there, too. It didn’t take long for me to come to the conclusion that this was someone who was bright, and this was just because he was at university. Not only did he have the intelligence, he also had the drive and the humility to go with it. He had a very masculine energy, and there was something about this energy pulled me in. Healthy Masculinity Now, this is not to say that he was aggressive or violent, or that I felt threatened by his presence, far from it. What it came down to is that his communication was direct, he took action, his emotions didn’t control him and he took responsibility for his life. What also played a part here was that this was a time when I hadn’t integrated my own aggression. This meant that I was drawn to what I hadn’t yet realised within myself, and this was partly why his behaviour had such a positive effect on me. The Start of Something Significant As time went by we got to know each other better and, after a while, we arranged to together for a drink. I appreciated the fact that I had met someone who I could have a meaningful conversation with. When we first started talking to each other, I had no idea that our friendship would develop in the way that it has. It is for this reason that I am extremely grateful that our paths have crossed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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After I had got back from Bali and Australia, towards the end of 2009, I was no longer the same person. What had also played a part here were the experiences that I had when I was on a course in Belgium, which took place just before I went away.
Ultimately, I wanted to continue from where I had left off and to put my plans into action. The trouble was I wasn’t completely sure how I was going to do this and, as I was no longer around the same people, it became harder for me to maintain the state that I was in. A New Start This was also a time when I decided to look for somewhere else where I could do salsa dancing. I thought about what it was like where I had been going and I soon came to see that it was no longer the right place for me to go. I might even have gone there a few times after I had got back, but it didn’t feel right going there anymore. I had moved on and I knew that it was time for me to find somewhere where I could express who I had now become. The Next Step What got me into salsa dancing to begin with was that I had met someone on a course who did it. He said that being able to dance was important and that this was also a great way to meet people. I soon found somewhere that was a bit further away and after I had been going there for a few months, I came across a leaflet. This leaflet was for a salsa society that was at a university nearby. I Was Curious It wasn’t that I enjoyed doing salsa dancing so much that I wanted to go somewhere else, too; it was that I thought it would be good to see what I was like there. The main difference was that where I had been going had people of all ages, whereas this was somewhere where everyone was generally the same age. Up until this point, I hadn’t spent much time at a university, so it was good to see what it was all about. And after I had been there a little while, I started speaking to a guy called Ben. An Expected Relationship It soon became clear that we had a connection, and this was the last place I thought I would meet someone who was also on the path. This was someone who was confident, friendly and he had an interest in self-development and spirituality. We soon arranged to get together and after we had got together a few times, I felt accepted and that I belonged. And as this was a time in my life when I felt disconnected and as though I was on the outside looking in, it had a big effect on me. A Strong Bond As time went by we became close friends, and my life would have been a lot harder if he wasn’t around when my father was in hospital the following year. Therefore, even though I hadn’t known him for long at this point, it was as though I had known him for years. It is due to moments like this and the other experiences that we have had that I am extremely grateful that our paths have crossed. This makes me think about how we can come into contact with right people when we least expect it.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
A few weeks ago, a number of women accused a well-known Hollywood producer of raping, assaulting, and sexually harassing them. And, since then, a number of other women have come forward.
It hasn’t stopped there, though, as a number of other high profile men have also been accused of the same thing. In a way, it is as if what has happened with this producer has given other women the all clear. A Big Cover Up Some of the women who are now speaking out against this producer are said to have done the same thing many years ago, but they were not give the support that they needed. There are even actresses who had their reputation ruined for doing so. When this took place, they would have done the right thing; shamefully, the same thing couldn’t be said about the people who were supposed to help them. This shows that not only did this producer have a lot of control in Hollywood; they also have a lot of control when it came to the media. It Was Normal There have also been a number of actors and actresses who have said that they were well aware of what this guy was like, and that this kind of behaviour is the norm as opposed to the exception. With this mind, it makes it easier to understand why it has taken so long for anything to be done. This is then not just an environment where people are desperate to get ahead; it is also a place where dysfunctional behaviour is overlooked. Yet, if someone desperately wants to make it, it is going to be clear what their priorities are. Another Reason So, if someone desperately wanted to make it, the last thing they would have wanted to do was to blow their chance. And, even if this meant that they had to be treated badly, it might not have been enough for them to speak out. Therefore, if someone like this is speaking out it can show that they no longer have anything to lose. There is always the chance that someone like this had a childhood where they were treated in a similar manner, thereby setting them up to feel comfortable with abuse. Two Sides Due to what certain actors and actresses like to come out with at award ceremonies and on social media, for instance, it can be hard to understand how something like this can take place in Hollywood. These people like to create the impression that they have the moral high ground, and that other people, the ones who watch their films, should follow their advice. It has been said that if someone knows when something bad is happening but they don’t anything about it, they are also to blame. Perhaps the actors and actresses who lecture others are simply doing what they can to make themselves feel better. A Facade Interestingly, this was a producer who supported a number of differently causes, which created the impression that he was a moral human being. For example, this was someone who joined the women’s march earlier this year. The purpose of this march was for women to express their anger at Donald trump, who had just become the president of America. What had played a part was that this was someone who had been accused of behaving in a sexually inappropriate manner, amongst other things. Another Occurrence A few months before the story broke about this producer, it came out that a film director and screenwriter had also abused his power. This was someone who had been seen as a “feminist ally” since the late nineties. During the time that this person was married, it was said that he had numerous affairs with women. While this was going on, he spent plenty of time talking about feminism and how important it was for men to support this movement. It Goes On It doesn’t end there, though, as there have been a number of other “male feminists” who have also been accused of behaving inappropriately. Untimely, the image that these men presented to the world didn’t match up with who they really were. One then has to wonder if they truly believed this in movement, or if they just went along with it in order to please the opposite sex. Maybe this is just a way for them to indirectly fulfil their own needs. Two Sides When a man doesn’t support this movement but he acts as though he does, it could show that he doesn’t feel comfortable in his own skin. Deep down, he may feel ashamed and guilty. And, as he feels this way, he is going to believe that it is not possible for him to be accepted for who he is or to get his needs met when it comes to the opposite sex. Playing a role that is likely to please certain woman can then be seen as a way for him to get the approval and attention that he desperately needs. A Bad Conscience If, on the other hand, a man is behaving in a way that causes women harm, then this can fill him with a lot of guilt and shame. One way for him to deal with this guilt is to present himself as someone who is highly supportive of women. The feedback that he receives through doing this can keep his true feelings at bay; the trouble is that if his stops behaving in this way, he will soon be consumed by how he truly feels. This is then why he needs to continue to behave in this way. Conclusion What this shows is that when someone is drawn to a certain cause or movement, it can be a way for them to avoid themselves. Through feeling so bad about themselves, they have the need to come across as though they are holier than thou.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the middle of 2012, I ended up having a reading, and this took place at a shop that was about 9 miles away from where I lived. This was a time when I was looking for guidance, and this was partly because I had just left where I worked.
I ended up speaking to the owner of the shop before I had the reading and I we spoke afterwards, too. It then didn’t take long until I went in there again to speak to her, and I ended up going in there about once a week. One Moment A few years after I first went in there, in December 2014, there was a time when I helped to move the furniture that was outside. I had done this on numerous occasions, but what stands out about this moment was that someone, who I hadn’t met before, came into the shop and spoke to me. I found out that his name was Ian Baillie, and he commented on the trench coat that I was wearing. It soon became clear that this was someone who was into past lives. I Wanted To Know More After we spoke, we arranged to get together for a coffee, and this was a time when we both found out more about each other. Until this point, it wasn’t as if I someone who was really into past lives or anything. However, I was open-minded and happy to hear more about what he had to say. One of the things he said was that I was a confederate general in a past life and he soon came up with other lives that I had had. It Matched Up Yet, while I wasn’t particularly into past lives, I had healed past life trauma many, many years ago. So, it wasn’t as though I being exposed to something I had never even heard of before. What was different was that I hadn’t ever met anyone who had gone into the kind of lives that I had had before. But with this aside, he was someone who recognised my fiery and passionate nature. Another Side Interestingly enough, this was a time in my life when I was just beginning to embrace my aggression. For most of my life I had been out of touch with this part of my nature, which was largely due to the fact that it wasn’t safe for me to get angry when I was younger. I was starting to feel more comfortable with side of me, and here was someone who didn’t try to stop me from showing this side of my nature. As a result of this, I felt as though I could be myself. More Than One Side And as I got to know him, I came to see that this wasn’t someone who hair their head in the clouds. If someone had told me about someone who was into past lives, I would have probably wondered if they were out of touch with reality; yet, here was someone who had their feet firmly on the ground. Along with his critical mind, he had a degree, and an incredible understanding of history. I felt incredibly grateful had I had come into contact with someone who I could be myself around and have deep conversation with about every area of life.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When someone values themselves, they can do what it takes to achieve their goals. Quite simply, they are not going to be willing to settle in life, and this will be what pushes them forward.
As a result of this, they could be in a position where they have achieved a number of their goals. Alternatively, one might have only just started to value themselves, and this means that they might not have achieved much at this point in time. One Direction Yet, regardless of what they have achieved so far, it is only going to be a matter of time before they are able to go to the next level. Now, this is not to say that everything will always go to plan. There will be moments when they have setbacks, but that won’t cause them to give up. The main reason for this is that when something goes wrong, they probably won’t take it personally. A Big Difference This comes down to the fact that their value is going to be based on who they are, not on what they do. Therefore, when something goes wrong, it is not going mean that there is something wrong with them. One will then be able to take a step back and to look into what they can do to move forward. Whereas if they took it personally when something didn’t go to plan, it would take them a while to get back on their feet again - that’s if they don’t give up altogether. Resilience It has been said that a big part of success is having the ability to keep going, not matter happens. So, if one doesn’t have the tendency to throw the towel in, so to speak, when something doesn’t go to plan, it will be a lot easier for them to move through the challenges that arise. And each time that they achieve something it will give them even more belief in their own ability to achieve their goals. If their friends or family were asked to describe them, they might say that they have high self-esteem. A Popular Term This is often seen as a key element when it comes to being successful, and America is perhaps the country that believes in this the most. With this in mind, someone is not going to get very far if they have low self-esteem. When one doesn’t value themselves, then, they are not likely to get very far in life. If their life has only just begun, they might not believe that they will achieve a lot and, if they have been on this earth for quite some time, they might not have achieved much. Just how It Is If one was to come into contact with someone who is doing well in life, they might believe that they are different. This person is then going to have something that they don’t, which is why it is not possible for them to change their life. Then again, one could be in touch with what is taking place at a deeper level, meaning they will be aware of the fact that they feel as though they don’t deserve to experience life differently. One could then be good at certain things, but they won’t allow themselves to take the next step. Self-Sabotage When it comes to their career, for instance, they might hold themselves back. If an opportunity was to arise, they might not take it, or they could end up being overwhelmed with anxiety and end up underperforming. Conversely, one might not be aware of what is taking place within them, and this could cause them to believe that other people want to hold them back. It is then going to be normal for them to have moments when they feel like a victim. Black And White If someone doesn’t value themselves, there is only going to be one outcome. Consequently, it is going to be relatively easy to realise when someone is in a position where they don’t feel good about themselves. However, while it might seem as though this is the case, it is not always going to work this way. What can also happen is that one can end up doing everything they can to prove how competent they are. Overachievers One is then going to use the pain that is within them to drive them forward, and this could allow them to become extremely successful. Once they get to a certain level, other people could see them as an example to follow. Thus, how they are treated by others is going to be radically different to how they see themselves. The down side is that no matter what they achieve, it won’t have much of an effect on them. Avoidance Their desire to achieve is going to be fuelled by their need to avoid how they feel, and this is why they are fighting a losing battle. After they have achieved something it may allow them to feel better, yet after a little while, their true feelings will probably come up to the surface again. This could be something that they have experienced many times, but it doesn’t mean that they will be able to take a step back. In order for their life to change, they will need to let go of the pain that is within them. Awareness When someone doesn’t value themselves, it can be due to what took place when they were younger. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected by their caregiver/s. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has paid attention to the news recently, they might be aware of the fact that a certain film producer has been accused of sexually harassing, assaulting, or raping a number of women. Then again, this could be something that they are not ever aware of.
This could show that they have just missed this story, or perhaps the news station/publication that they pay attention to hasn’t given this story a lot of exposure. Due to the nature of what has taken place, it can be hard to understand why certain channel or publication, for instance, wouldn’t give this story a lot of coverage. Business as Usual However, if one was to take deeper look into this, they may come to see that this simply a continuation of how things have been for a very long time. It has been said that at least one publication had known for a number of years about what was going on. The truth has then been hidden for many, many years and this is something that is still going on to this very day. It doesn’t end there, though, as a number of actors have also said that they were aware of what this producer was like. A Lot of Power One way of looking at this would be to say that this shows how much power this guy had. He was able to behave however he wanted to behave and very little, if anything, actually happened to him. And now that this guy has finally come crashing down, it has give people the ability to speak out. There are the people who knew what he was like and then there are the women who were harmed by him. One Outlook After someone has stepped forward and spoken about what happened to them, there are likely to be people who see them as brave, even empowered. And there is no doubt that speaking out against something like this does take courage. At the same time, one also has to wonder why they didn’t say anything before. Now, it could be said that the reason why they didn’t say anything is because they didn’t feel safe enough to do so. Another Outlook This could be the case, yet there is also the chance that it is not this black and white. The reason why someone now has the ‘courage’ to speak out could come down to the fact that they no longer have anything to lose. If they had spoken out before it may have ruined their career, so it wouldn’t have been an option. This would then have been a time when they were more interested in getting ahead than they were with putting an end to this guy’s destructive behaviour. The Main Priority Now that this person no longer has any use to them, it is going to be a lot easier for them to speak out. They were happy to overlook this guy’s behaviour before, but now they no longer need to. When this is the case, I wouldn’t be right to call someone like this brave or even courageous. They are, of course, looking out for themselves, and if they can look good by doing this it will be even better for their own ego. A Role It has been said that it is not uncommon for an actor/actress to be in position where they don’t know who they are. Someone like this is then not just putting on an act when they are working; they are always putting on an act. With this in mind, it is not going to be a challenge for an actor/actress to act moral when they need to. And thanks to social media, it is relatively easy for someone to define how other people see them. Two Extremes What is also interesting about all this is that Hollywood is full of people who love to lecture people. These people make out that they are holier than thou, which is then why the average person needs to heed their advice. It is as if there are a plenty of people in Hollywood who say one thing and do another. Another way of looking at this would be to say that these people are more concerned with looking good than doing good. A Big Cover Up So, perhaps the reason why so many actors and actresses need to elevate themselves so high is because they feel so. Their need to look good is then more about avoiding their true feelings than it is about making a difference in the world. The reason they feel so bad about themselves could be the result of what took place when they were younger. Also, who knows that they have had to do to get to where they are today. A Common Occurrence When someone doesn’t want to face something within them, they can end up disconnecting from it. But while this can allow them to feel better about themselves, it won’t change what is taking place at a deeper level. Therefore, if an actor or an actress, for instance, has disconnected from their own guilt and shame, they could end up trying to make everyone else feel guilty and ashamed. Not only will this allow them to distance themselves from their own issues, it will also allow them to take the moral high ground in the process. Conclusion If these people had an inner world that was as healthy as their bank balance, they probably wouldn’t need to elevate themselves so high or to tell people how they should live their life. We are in an age that is often seen as ‘the age of revealing’, and perhaps this is partly why Hollywood’s true colours are being revealed. Ultimately, the people in Hollywood who are often seen as gods and goddesses are no different to anyone else on this planet – they are imperfect human beings. And, as we have seen, this is somewhere where deeply flawed human beings are to be found.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can The Fear Of Rejection Cause Someone To Change When They Get Into A Relationship?13/10/2017
Even though one can behave in a certain way when they start dating someone, they can end up behaving in a completely different way as time goes by. Therefore, although they are still the same person, it will be as if they have become someone else.
Oblivious When something like this takes place, there is a strong chance that one won’t even realise what has happened. It could then be said that one will have lost touch with their true-self. As a result of this, they will be focused on what they can do to please the other person. This can then be a way for them to make sure that the other person doesn’t leave them. Another Experience Alternatively, one could become aware of what has taken place, but that doesn’t mean they will do anything about it. They could believe that this is the right thing for them to do, and this could be backed up by how the other person is responding. There is the chance that this is having a positive effect, which will stop one from going back to how they were before. Yet, even though their partner might be giving them positive feedback, it doesn’t mean that every part of them will be on board with this. Confusion After a while, they could end up losing interest in them, and this will probably cause them to pull away. Then again, they could start to lose interest more or less straight away. They might find it hard to understand why one has changed so much, which could cause them to reflect on their own behaviour. If they were to do this, they might see that they haven’t actually changed. One Step Back Conversely, this person could end up losing interest in them and, soon after, they could end the relationship. They will have listened to their feelings, and this can mean that they didn’t take the time to reflect on what has taken place. Perhaps this person can’t be bothered to do this, or maybe they are not the kind of person to reflect on why things happen. Understanding why things happen is not going to interest them; feeling better is going to be what matters. The Other Side If their partner was to lose interest and ended up walking away, one could end up feeling as though they have been let down. It will then be as if they haven’t played a part in what has occurred. One could end up feeling angry or upset, or both and it could take a while for them to get back on their feet, so to speak. This might not be the first time something like this has happened either. A One-Off If one hasn’t been in this situation before, they could come to the conclusion they are just unlucky. So, the next time they meet someone it will be different, and their friends could also say the same thing. At the same time, this could be something that one has experienced on more than one occasion. And while this could cause them to look within, they might just believe that this is an area of their life that is out of their control. The Common Denominator If they were to believe this, it might make it easier for them to handle what is taking place - what it won’t do is allow them to change their life. Ultimately, they are the person who keeps showing up. It might be hard for them to accept this, yet the alternative is for them to continue to experience life in this way. This will stop them from being able to have a fulfilling relationship, and they might be at a stage in their life when they can no longer afford to carry on in the same way. Taking a Step Back One could think about what their behaviour is like during the early stages, and then they can think about what it is like as time goes by. Through doing this, may begin to see how they gradually become someone else. What they could then do is to put themselves in another person’s shoes, and to think about how they would feel if the same thing happened to them. They might see that it wouldn’t be long until they were no longer attracted to them. The Priority Their need to please others will be what undermines the relationships and until this is no longer the case, they will continue experience life in the same way. One could then look into what they believe will happen if this doesn’t take place. This could be a time when one will come to see that they believe that they will be rejected if they were to change their behaviour. The irony is that this is exactly what is taking, and this is why this is not something that can be avoided. The Difference However, even though rejection is part of life, it doesn’t mean that ones life has to be defined by it. When the fear of rejection stops someone from being able to be themselves, it can show that they are carrying trauma. During their early years, they may have experienced a lot of rejection, and this would have caused them to experience a lot of pain. Pleasing others will then be a way for them to make sure that the pain within them doesn’t end up being triggered. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There was a moment in the beginning of 2013, when I didn’t know why something was taking place. I had been in relationship for a few months and I didn’t completely understand why the woman I was with was behaving in a certain way.
I had the need to find out about what might be going on, which caused me to go onto a search engine. I think this was a time when I typed in ‘hot and cold behaviour’, and before long I came across an article that covered what I was going through. The Website The article was called “Hot and Cold” and it was written by someone called Susan Winter. After reading this article, I left a comment thanking her for what she had written, and I then carried on with my life. To my surprise, Susan ended up leaving a comment on one of my social media pages. This was a time when she expressed her appreciation for my writing and she asked if I would like to become a contributing editor on her site. The Unexpected I remember reading her comment and being shocked that she had taken the time to reach out to me. Once I had settled down, I said told her that I would be only too happy to have my articles on her site. What I liked about her writing was that she didn’t beat around the bush, it was direct. When it came to her writing, it was as if she was the female version of me, and this is partly because her primary intention is to assist others and to make a difference. The Real Deal I soon found out that she had been on Oprah Winfrey and she had a number of books out. During this time, I felt as though I was finally being recognised, and I felt extremely grateful for what was taking place. At this time, I had a lot of belief in what I was doing, but receiving feedback from her made all the difference. I had received a lot of positive feedback up until this point, yet this time it was different. Acknowledgment It was the same as how an amateur sports player would feel if a professional player gave them positive feedback. If they heard the same thing from the average person it might not have the same impact. Soon enough, my articles were featured on her site and I must say that this was a proud moment in my life. When I was looking for information, I had no idea that something like this would happen. The Message As I look back on this moment in my life, it makes me think about how this is often what happens in life. How we can think that we are doing something or going somewhere in order to do a certain thing, and soon find out that it was actually for a reason that we were not even aware of. It could be said that this comes down to the fact that our mind only knows so much. There is another part of us that knows far more than our mind can or will ever know.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When one comes into contact with someone who they like, they can end up putting on an act. This could be something that will happen without them even releasing it, or they might be able to pick up on this.
One way of looking at this would be to say that this is normal, and this is due to the fact that they want to put their best foot forward, so to speak. Therefore, if they didn’t do this, it might be harder for them to create right impression. Two Sides Then again, there is clearly a big difference between one putting their best foot forward and showing up as someone else. When the former takes place, it should be a lot easier for the other person to handle. After all, there is also the chance that they will have put on an act during this time. So, as time passes, both of them will have the chance to see what the other person is really like. Another Experience However, when the latter takes place, the other person could end up wondering what is going on. It might seem as though the person they were with at the beginning has disappeared. One could then find that it won’t be long until the other person starts to lose interest in them. If this was to occur, they could feel as though they have been let down, but they will have played a big part in this. The Message What this emphasises is how important it is for one to show up when they meet someone for the first time. Through doing this, it will give the people they meet the chance to see if they like them. Yet, in order for this to take place, one will need to be comfortable in their own skin. When one doesn’t accept themselves, they will end up having a strong need for other people to accept hem. The Benefit Thus, through putting on an act, one is likely to believe that this will make it easier for them to fulfil their needs. One will believe that their true-self is not good enough, and this is then why they need to have a false-self. So, even if someone does respond in a positive manner, it is not going to have anything to do with who they really are. The feedback they receive will have a positive effect on their false self, but it won’t do much for their true-self. In The Same Boat And while one might only get so far through putting on an act, there is also the chance that they will have had a number of long-term relationships. When this happens, it can be a sign that they end up with people who are the same. One false-self is then going to be trying to connect to another false-self, which is not going to allow intimacy to occur. This is not going to be very fulfilling, but at a deeper level, it can be seen as being far better than it would be if they were to get in touch with their true feelings. Another Scenario Conversely, one can show up when they meet someone and, as time passes, they can end up becoming someone else. One is then going to have the ability to express their true-self but they won’t be able to do this for very long. Now, this is not to say that this will happen after they have met someone a few times, as it could take a little while. Yet, regardless of when this happens, it is going to create a number of problems. False Advertising Whether this happens after they have been seeing each other for a few weeks or a few months, it could cause the other person to feel as though they have been deceived. It is then going to be similar to how someone would feel if they bought one thing and it ended up turning into something else. The reason one bought this item will be because they wanted it; if they wanted something else they wouldn’t have bought it. It is then not going to be a surprise for someone to feel let down if the person they are with changes. A Different Outlook At first, one will have been able to be themselves and, as time went by, they would have felt the need to change their behaviour. In the beginning, they might have only changed one thing, and then before long, their whole personality may have changed. At a deeper level, they may believe that they need to please the person they are with; if they don’t do this, they will be rejected and/or abandoned. It is then going to be as if one is a dependent child and their partner is an all powerful parent. The Opposite Effect Changing their behaviour will have been seen as a way for them to bring the other person closer, or to at least keep them around. The trouble with this approach is that one will have changed their behaviour, and this is what will have played a big part in why they got together to begin with. With this in mind, they will have a far greater chance of keeping someone around if they continue to behave in the same way. This is not to say that one can’t make a few minor changes; there are bound to be times when it will be necessary. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they no longer want to ‘lose’ themselves when they get into a relationship, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer. This can be a time when they will be working through old childhood pain and trauma, which this will allow them to develop strong boundaries.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk People Pleasing: Is Someone More Likely To Please Others If They Are Emotionally Dependent?9/10/2017
In order for someone to live a fulfilling life, there are going to be at last two things that will need to be in place. On the one hand, they will need to be aware of their needs, and on the other; they will need to feel safe enough to fulfil them.
From here, one will have the ability to behave in a way that is in alignment with their true-self. This can then allow them to move towards their goals and to achieve what they want to achieve. One Outlook However, even though this is the ideal way to experience life, it doesn’t mean that everyone has this view. There are bound to be people who believe that this is the complete opposite of how someone should experience life. As far as they are concerned, the most important thing could be to be there for others. Said another way, other people’s needs are going to be seen as being far more important than their own. Black and White It is then going to be clear that there are only two options: either one focuses on their own needs or they focus on other people’s needs. And if this is the case, it is not going to be hard to see why someone would believe that it is better to be there for others. If one is only there for themselves, they can feel selfish (and they can look bad), and this is not going to be good for someone who has a healthy conscience. What will feel good is being there for others and making a difference. A Closer Look Yet, while this might seem as though it is something that is black and white, there is actually far more to it. When someone is aware of their own needs and does what they can to fulfil them, it doesn’t mean that they will overlook other people’s needs. For example, one could have a profession where they assist a lot of people, and the reason why they can do this will be due to the fact that they paid attention to their own needs. This could mean that they will be a doctor or a nurse, for instance. A Bit of Both Having a career like this is going to make a difference in other people lives and it will allow them to meet a number of their own needs. On the surface, it could seem as though they are a ‘selfless’ human being, but this is likely to be nothing more than an illusion. What this shows is that one can fulfil their own needs and meet other people needs at the same time. This is then going to be radically different to someone who is completely consumed by their own needs. It’s Slightly More Complex It can be easy to believe that the people who are there for others are ignoring their own needs. These people can then be placed on pedestal, and seen as being superior to the people who are consumed by their own needs. But if someone does behave in this way and they are a healthy human being, there will be moments when they focus on their own needs. Through doing this, they will be able to recharge their batteries, so to speak. A Big Difference When one is in a position where they are able to fulfil their ‘higher needs’ and they are able to focus on their ‘lower needs’, they will be able to truly be there for others. But, if one neglects their own needs, it is not going to be possible for them to do this. As a result of this, they could be doing more harm than good. Not only will they be neglecting themselves, they could also be doing things for people that they shouldn’t be doing. A Common Occurrence For example, if they end up with people who they try to rescue, they are going to stop these people from growing. The people they spend time with are then going to be more like their children. When this happens, one can look as though they have it all together, but it is likely to show that they are trying to avoid the pain that is within them. Their need to rescue others is then nothing more than a futile attempt to save themselves. The Driver If one does have the tendency to neglect their own needs, they could find that they have a strong need for approval. Pleasing others is going to be something that they feel they need to do. To behave differently could be seen as something that would put their life under threat. What is taking place within them is going to stop them from being able to fulfil their own needs on a regular basis. A Deeper Look If they were to behave differently, they could end up being overwhelmed by their own emotions. They could experience fear and anxiety, and they might feel as though they will be harmed and/or abandoned. Pleasing others is then going to be a way for them to make sure that they are not overwhelmed by their own emotions. Thus, while it may seem as though one is not getting anything from behaving in this way, this is not going to be the truth. Awareness The reason one is experiencing life in this way could be down to what took place when they were younger. Perhaps this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected, which would have caused them to experience trauma. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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