It is often said that women prefer to be in relationships more than men do. And while this can sound like the truth, it is not always the case. There are going to be men who appreciate being in one, just as there are going to be men who don’t.
Some women will enjoy being in them and then there will be others who will do all they can to avoid them. Now, this is not always going to be a conscious choice and can be something that goes on fairly unconsciously and out of their awareness.
The need to be closes to others is there for every human being, but this doesn’t mean that this always feels comfortable and natural. To be close to another person, especially the opposite sex, could cause one to feel trapped and overwhelmed.
One’s ability to have what they need and want and to enjoy, it is then diminished. They might end up coming to the conclusion that they will have to stay in the relationship and feel trapped or that they will have to put an end to it and stay single. They might end up settling for casual encounters as it’s the only way they can feel free, but while they do feel free, they might also end up feeling empty.
So based on this outlook, the need that they have to be close to another human being, is then impossible to fulfil without extreme comprise taking place. And this is going to cause all kinds confusion as to why this is such a challenge.
If this is something one has experienced on the odd occasion they might be hope that there is another way. But if one has experienced this throughout their whole life, then one may have simply accepted it as being how life is.
To have this happen once or twice could make a women feel angry, frustrated and disheartened. If they are relatively young this might be more acceptable than if they were older, as at this age, it might be easier to dismiss. And with this experience only happening to them a few times, there is going to be hope for a better future.
And yet if this has become a pattern in a woman’s life and one man after the other behaves in the same way, then it might be harder to see that there is another way. This could relate to women that are older and yet it could also include women who are younger.
Ultimately, age is irrelevant; what it comes down to is the kind of experiences that a woman has had and continues to have with the opposite sex.
In The Beginning
So at the start of the relationship, one may feel free and connected. And if one is cautious about being controlled because of a history of being controlled, what is happening in the beginning might fill them with hope and ressuarance
Time then passes and cracks will begin to appear. At first the man may be laid back, easy going and be anything but controlling. The woman may start to see that this was just a facade and that the man’s true nature is very different
On one side it could be that they attract men who make them feel trapped. But what is also possible is for them to feel trapped regardless of whether the man is that way or not. In this instance, a woman is projecting her own ‘stuff’ onto the man.
To be with a man then causes the woman to feel trapped. It might not be possible for her to see that this is what is actually taking place, if her projections are too strong. It then won’t matter if the man is controlling or not, as her inner experience will be the same.
This could result in the man being pushed away or he could become controlling as a way to try and change how she is behaving.
The experience of being trapped could be something that is fairly intense or it could be extremely intense. There will be thoughts, emotions and sensations. If the woman was just seeing the man, these feelings could remain hidden. But once it has become a ‘relationship’ they could soon appear.
Or if they were to spend a certain amount of time with them or to imagine being with them in the future, the same feelings may come up. It won’t matter if they are thinking about reality or creating something in their head, the same experience of being trapped could occur.
As the need is there, it is going to seem strange that there is all this resistance. The reason a woman feels trapped in a relationship could be due to what happened many, many years ago when she was a child.
Time passes and these formative years are forgotten about by the mind. However, the body remembers exactly what took place and will cause one to create the same experience until the past has been dealt with.
The Father Figure
Other people who were around at this time could be the reason, but the father figure is often the most import person when it comes to the kind of man that a woman will be attracted to and attract. And in order for a woman to feel trapped in a relationship with a man, it doesn’t mean that she was necessarily abused by her father. It could be that he was ‘protective’ or had a tendency to invade her personal space.
This could have caused her to feel: violated, smothered, engulfed, and powerless and as though she had no control. But while this wasn’t functional, the alternative might have been for her to be abandoned and neglected.
On the surface is going to be her fear of being trapped and under that can be a fear of being abandoned. And to be abandoned at this age would have felt like death. These early experiences would have become familiar to their ego mind.
So although feeling trapped is not what they consciously want to experience in a relationship, it is what feels normal to them at a deeper level. And what is familiar, is what feels safe.
When this no longer feels comfortable, a woman will no longer have the need to recreate the past. They will see that they have a choice and not longer need to feel trapped. How they felt all those years ago would have stayed trapped in their body and so these feelings will need to be released. Through doing this, a woman’s boundaries will also be able to form.
And either their current relationship will change or they will attract someone who is completely different. These feelings and emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a trusted friend. Or ones partner can assist them in the process.
One can have all kinds of things that they look for in a relationship with another person. And some of these are going to be more important than others; this means that some of them will be able to be overlooked. But if this relates to what truly matters, then conflict is going to arise if they are missing.
For example, if one had a certain look that they went for and the person they were attracted to looked different, then this is unlikely to be a problem. Just as if this person had a different body shape or was taller or shorter. These are fairly insignificant differences and can be put to one side in most cases.
And the two needs that can define how one will behave and how others will behave both in the beginning of a relationship and as it develops will be the need for connection and separation.
Although everyone is going to have these two needs, it doesn’t mean the one will embrace both of them. It could be that one of them is more important at one stage of their life than the other is.
And if they have experienced one for too long, then there is going to be the need to experience the other one. Because while each side can enhance one’s life, if they were stay in the same position for too long, it would begin to have the opposite affect.
One might have the need to be connected with another and try to merge with them. At first, this is going to cause them to feel loved, supported and protected. And yet as times goes on, this could result in them feeling smothered, trapped and engulfed.
Just as one might want to be separate for a while and not get too close to another. In the beginning this is going to cause them to feel free and give them a sense of power. But after a while, they could end up feeling lonely and disconnected.
The first is to embrace the feminine side and to surrender to another; whereas the second is to go with the masculine aspect and to resist another. Each one has a time and a place; with neither one being more important than the other.
While this dance of coming together and moving apart is part of a relationship, it can also stop one from getting into a relationship with another. This dynamic can sabotage a relationship and cause one to go from one interaction after another and even settle for casual encounters or one night stands.
It will all depend on how strong these needs are and how aware one is of them. The need to be close to another or at a distance can go on out of one’s awareness and then how one behaves will be unknown to them.
If one has a strong need to be connected to another and to experience being at one with them, then they will often be the needy one in relationship and find it difficult not to be in relationship.
And if one has a strong need to be separate and this need can be fairly unconscious, it could mean that they have a tendency to go from one relationship to another. These could last for a matter of days or even a few weeks; just as they could end up having a string of casual encounters.
There are naturally going to be many reasons as to why someone would cheat. And one of the reasons people cheat is to emotionally separate. They might feel smothered in their existing relationship, and going with someone else allows them to feel free, albeit momentarily. So an affair might take place to prolong this feeling.
This is an example of someone excising their need to be separate and it is often done without one being aware of the real reasons for their actions. The ideal would be for them to address the challenge head on, instead of needing to go with someone else just to ‘feel’ different.
What often causes problems is when one has these needs but is unaware of them. When this is the case, one will sabotage their relationships; engage in casual encounters that are not what they truly want or end up cheating for instance.
To look at this logically, it could be said that if one wants to feel free or create distance, then they only need to express this to the person they are with. And the same goes for them wanting to feel close to the other person.
However, while this can seem straight forward, what can cause one to act unconsciously and to not speak up is due to the power of what happened during their early years. What happened then could have caused one to associate being close to another as being smothered or to be separate from them as being abandoned.
So these early years would have disabled one from being able to be comfortable with closeness and distance. And then it becomes a problem for one to be comfortable with both.
The feelings that arise when one gets close to another or when they separate from them, will have first been felt when they were younger. With a man it is likely to be the result of how their mother treated them and with woman, it is could be how their father was.
These feelings would have stayed in their body and will be triggered by others. The kind of people that one attracts and is attracted to may also remind them of their mother or father, or both.
In order for one to be comfortable with closeness and separation they will need to release these trapped feelings and emotions. Through this process, they will be able to be in touch with these needs.
It will then be possible to get these needs met consciously and without needing to engage in destructive or dysfunctional behaviours. As a child one wouldn’t have had a choice, but as an adult they do. These feelings and emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist, healer, trusted friend or ones partner.
While having emotional stability is the ideal, it is not something that everyone can relate to. But this doesn’t mean that the people who do experience emotional stability are always stable and go through life unscathed.
To be human means that we are emotional beings and so unless one has become emotional numb and cut off, they are going to experience emotional ups and downs. This is part of life and not something one should try to deny.
If one is in touch with both sides of their emotional spectrum, they will have moments of feeling good and of feeling not so good. Their reason for feeling down or low might be because they have experienced some kind of loss.
And loss, either through the loss of a person or a certain position that one had, will cause one to experience inner instability. There will be certain ideas about how long the pain will last, but human beings respond differently, so it’s not set in stone.
There are said to be five stages of grief for instance, but how long these stages last for will vary from person to person. It is not always a linear process either.
So when someone experiences emotional instability during moments of loss and a mild sense of instability at others times, they will be seen as fairly adjusted human beings. They are emotionally together and will not suffer from emotional instability as a way of life.
This is likely to mean that their behaviour is fairly consistent; simply because how they feel inside is generally the same. How they dress could also reflect this inner harmony and stop them from looking unkept.
And their ability to plan and organise is also going to be good. To do this, one needs to be able to think clearly and when their emotions are settled, this will naturally be a lot easier. It could be assumed that these people have less stress than others and that is why they are calmer.
There could be an element of truth to this, but what it also comes down to is the fact that they are more resilient. Challenges will appear and yet they are able to weather the storms and not let it affect them as much. So instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill, things will generally be kept in proportion.
This is going to allow one to feel a sense of balance and to enable their mind and emotions to work together. And if one has always experienced life this way, it will be hard for them to comprehend what it must be like for someone who doesn’t experience life in the same way.
For people who only know what it feels like to be emotional unstable, the above might sound like some kind of dream. They could come to the conclusion that life will always be this way for them.
Now, there are going to be different degrees of instability. For some people, this will be something that defines their whole life and for others, it may just appear during certain situations. But no matter when, where or how much it happens, it is going to create challenges for someone.
Being able to have a sense of inner balance and harmony is going to be a problem. Mood swings will be something they are familiar with and their behaviour is going to reflect this. One moment they may feel up and good about themselves and the next minute they are down and can’t bear to be in their own company.
This could take place from time to time or be a regular occurrence for them. And this means that their ability to plan and to organise things is going to be affected also. Erratic and impulsive behaviour could be what they are used to and this could lead to a whole host of problems.
For some people this may result in them over spending or over eating. One minute they might be pleasant and the next moment they might be unpleasant and even hostile. Plans might be made and then cancelled at the last minute.
Emotionally one may have become accustomed to feeling depressed and then know that before long, they will be full of life and ready to take on the world. This person’s style of dress could fluctuate to reflect their inner instability. These are just some examples and there are going to be many others.
What Is Going On?
When one is like this, they may end up being labelled as having some kind of disorder. This could then result in them forming a certain identity and as having a borderline personality or being bipolar.
And some people will say this is due to genetics and others will say it’s due to what happened during their childhood. Perhaps there is some truth in both views. However, what is perfectly clear is that when someone is suffering from emotionally instability, they haven’t got the ability to regulate their emotions.
This doesn’t exist for them and this causes their emotions to be completely out of control. It’s a bit like how a traffic light allows the traffic to be controlled and to not come all at once. Without the lights, all the traffic would go at once and there would be nothing but accidents and near collisions.
The traffic lights regulate the traffic and when it comes to a human being, having this inner ability stops one from being overwhelmed and taken out by their emotions. So as this ability is so vital, it can seem strange that one wouldn’t have it.
Having a caregiver that is empathic and aware is also vital, but this doesn’t always take place either. And when this is absent, it can cause one to grow up without the ability to regulate themselves.
So as a baby and a young child, one doesn’t have the ability to regulate how they feel. This means that they are completely dependent on their caregiver and the people around them at that time to regulate how they feel.
Now, if this is a caregiver that is empathic and available in most cases, one is likely to be fine. Through being regulated by their caregiver, they will soon internalise this ability and their brain will develop in the right way.
But when they are not available enough, or are more or less completely absent, this ability won’t form and one is left to deal with their emotions themselves. So not only will they not develop this ability, they will also have to disconnect from their emotions in order to avoid the emotional pain and to survive.
These emotions will have stayed trapped in their body and so not only will they have to deal with the present emotions that arise, they will also have to cope with the emotional build up from the past.
It won’t be like a rain drop, it will be like a tidal wave. And as these have built up for so long, it won’t be much of a surprise for someone to have so many ups and down. A rain drop won’t do very much, but if these rain drops were to build up over many years, there would be far more damage. And the same applies to ones emotions that have built up
There will be two things that need to happen here. The first is that one will need to release the trapped emotions from their emotional body and the second is that they will need to develop the ability to regulate themselves. Both of these can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Here, one will be able to get in touch with their emotions and gradually release them. And through the therapists or healers mirroring and attunement, one can gradually internalise what is taking place, thereby develop the ability to regulate themselves
This is unlikely to be something that happens over night, it could take many years. Everyone is different, so how long it will take will naturally vary from person to person.
When it comes to what one generation passes onto the next, genetics are at the forefront. Some experts say that whatever one generation has, the next are certain to have the same. However, others, through their understanding of epigenetics, have said that their needs to be a trigger in order for anyone’s DNA to have an effect.
And this trigger could be an external trigger, so environmental, or an internal trigger and how one feels or thinks for instance. What doesn’t receive as much exposure as this, is how emotional neglect can be passed on from one generation to another.
But, if one were to step back and look at how the western world is, this is not going to be much of a surprise. And this is because the western world and the countries that have been influenced by it are out of balance. The masculine side has been embraced, whereas the feminine has largely been rejected.
For example, genetics are seen as building blocks and as something that can be changed or removed. Just like how one would build a house, create an extension or remove a part of the existing structure.
Emotions on the other hand, can’t be seen directly, but they can be seen through the consequences that they create. It is also not possible to remove them, like one would move a brick from a house. The masculine approach is all about doing and the feminine approach is about being.
With there being a focus on the masculine or the left brain and a denial of the feminine and the right brain, an imbalance has been created. And that has meant that emotions have largely been ignored.
They are often seen as insignificant and the impact they have ends up being ignored. One can’t see air, but without it one would suffer and die shortly after, if this absence lasted for too long.
And the same applies to emotions; they can’t be seen and yet they define one’s life. If one feels good or balanced, certain things will be done. But if they don’t feel good and are out of balance, it could lead to one behaving in ways that are destructive to themselves and to others.
So genetics will be often seen as the primary reason as to why someone grows up to be how they are. And when this relates to someone’s emotional development, it could be said that they feel as they do because it runs in the family for instance. Here one might suffer from depression, have what is often described as an ‘addictive personality’ or have mental problems.
And while there may be some truth to this outlook, what it doesn’t look into is the kind of care one received as a baby and a child. The kind of nurturing one did receive or didn’t receive during this time will make a massive difference to the kind of person one will grow up to be.
Through the focus being on genetics, its stops attention going where it needs to be. It is through awareness that change takes place, without it, nothing can truly change.
To be neglected during ones formative years is going to create problems and the severity of these problems will depend on many different things. Two people could experience neglect and turn our completely different; one person could elevate themselves and another could end up living a life of pain and suffering or even commit suicide.
Firstly, there will be how the neglect affects them and how they respond to these consequences. And then there will be the kind of support that they do or do not receive.
However, no matter what happens after the neglect has taken place and one becomes an adult, it is likely that one would have said to themselves that they would not do this to anyone. But time passes and one ends up doing to their own child or children, what was done to them.
And as one suffered so much through being neglected themselves, it can seem strange that they would do the same thing to another. Logically this doesn’t make any sense and why would it.
So if one was to work on their neglect through therapy or was able to heal it in another way, then the chances of them passing it on are going to be very low. The problems arise when ones becomes out of touch with what happened all those years ago.
And this is a normal response to trauma, disconnecting from what happened is a way to handle the pain. But although this does allow one to ‘survive’, it also means that they are liable to repeat the same pattern all over again.
This is because the pain of what happened has remained within them and to be around a baby or a child that is incredibly needy and dependent, is going to trigger that part of them that feels the same. And because the child reminds them of this, they will want to avoid the child.
It would be easy to assume that in order for a caregiver to act this way, they must be bad or evil. And yet this behaviour will be a reaction and not something that they have consciously thought about.
Their pain will be triggered and then the child will be neglected; either through the caregiver physically leaving them or by them being emotionally unavailable. The ability to act consciously is taken away as a result of them carrying so much pain.
What this emphasises is the importance of education, especially when it comes to the area of emotional development. Emotional neglect can cause someone to be emotionally stuck and so it will be important for them to deal with the pain of what happened or more to the point, what didn’t happen, many years ago.
Unless one wakes up and takes responsibility for their emotional development, then there is strong chance that nothing will change and the past will be repeated once again. With emotions being generally ignored in the west, it means that in most cases, one will need to take the initiative themselves.
To heal emotional neglect will take work and patience and is likely to require the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will provide the mirroring and attunement that one didn’t get as a child and allow one to release the emotional pain that they have been carrying ever since.
Throughout one’s life, they are naturally going to meet people they feel close to and people they don’t. And the people who they don’t feel close to are going to be in the majority. Special connections are going to be rare and this is because one won’t meet people like this all of the time.
Another obstacle is that that these kinds of relationships take time and energy and one only has so much time and energy available. So these relationships will have to be consistently nurtured or else this special connection could end up disappearing.
And what was at first a special connection and allowed one to feel as though they really knew the other person could end up being the complete opposite. The other person may end up being seen as a stranger, if enough time has passed or if one has gone through a certain amount of change.
However, one when does have a connection with another human being, they are going to feel close to them. And as they feel close to them, they are to feel as though they know them.
This is of course a vital part of a relationship, having the sense of knowing another causes one to feel safe and therefore comfortable. When one doesn’t know another, there is likely to be discomfort.
One of the biggest differences between a stranger and someone who one has a relationship with is the level of comfort that is experienced. There is clearly more to a relationship than just feeling safe with another and yet this is an important part.
One And The Same
So along with feeling safe in this person’s presence is going to be the experience of being validated by the other and of one validating the other. Each person will feel that the other person gets them and that they are on the ‘same page’ so to speak.
Through this mirroring taking place, two people’s experiences can end up becoming one experience. With the sense of separation that one experiences with most people being put aside and the feeling of being one arising.
And with this experience of what could be described as a symbiosis, will be creation of something that is deep and profound. It won’t matter what gender these people are or where they are from for instance, as the connection they feel will overshadow any of these insignificant differences.
Like A Baby
This whole experience will be similar to what is feels like for a baby who has an attuned caregiver. Here, the baby feels at home and at ease with its mother. And this is how one will feel with the other person. They are not simply speaking the same language, they are the same language.
But even though the baby feels as though they are one, this is just an illusion. This illusion is vital though, as it allows the baby to feel a sense of power and that it will get its needs and wants met. As an adult, this illusion is created once more; what is different is what one wants and needs from the other person.
So just like the baby, one doesn’t feel as though they are alone through being with this person. But while this is how one feels, they are still two separate human beings. And beyond the illusion of oneness or of their being one reality; they are each having their own experience of each other.
For example, two people can have gone through a similar experience or experiences in life and this enables them to empathise with one another. But while empathy can create the experience of one person knowing exactly what another has been through, it is the result of what they have been through themselves.
It is not the same and neither can one truly know what the other person has gone through. It doesn’t completely march, but it’s the closest someone can get to another person’s experience.
So being acknowledged, mirrored and validated by another, will cause one to come to the conclusion that they know who the other person is. And this will be a combination of the kinds of things they say, what they are into and how they behave.
This can create the experience of certainty and one can end up seeing the other person as having a fixed identity. And although this may appear to be the truth about the other person, it is still just a role that they are playing and one that could change at any moment.
Once one has an identity about who they are and who they are not, this could stay with them for a very long time and even for their whole life. And because they have kept the same identify, it can create the illusion of it being who they are.
This can change when one goes travelling for a long time and comes back transformed. Or when one experiences a big loss and through such a shakeup happening they start to see themselves differently.
Inner And The Outer
What is going on inside this person has changed and so what they do on the outside is therefore going to follow suit. Other people could then wonder what’s happened to them and might think that they are putting on an act.
And at first, the person who has changed might wonder who they are and if they are putting on an act. But what it comes down to is that no matter who one is or who they are not, they are always acting a part or playing a role.
One role might be more familiar than the other to certain people and to oneself, but that doesn’t mean that it is any more legitimate than another. Physically one can’t change, unless they use surgery, and yet how they see themselves and how they behave can always change.
The main thing is that one is true to themselves and doesn’t feel that they have to be a certain way. This might displease others and that is to be expected, especially if one has acted a certain way for so long.
If one was to take a look at their fellow human beings, it would be clear that they are all separate. They each have their own body and this then goes onto to cover their individual preferences, wants and needs.
And as well as this, each person has their own personal reality and an experience that no one else is having. Of course, each one of us lives on the same planet and therefore there will be similarities as a result, but each person is still having a unique experience.
It’s a bit like an area where all of the houses are made of brick. And although this is the case, every house is designed differently. On one side this means that no house is the same and yet on the other side, they all have one thing in common and that is they are made with bricks.
So the human experience is not unlike the example above. We all feel, think and will pass on at some point. Inherently we are all human and yet both our inner and outer experiences can be radically different.
One person can see themselves as being not only physically separate, but also mentally and emotionally. And at the same time, they can still feel part of humanity and connected to the earth and to their fellow human beings.
This means that they will know either consciously or unconsciously that, what is going on within them, is not necessarily what going on in another person. Other people will be seen as having their own inner and outer reality.
As this is different to their reality, it will need to be acknowledged and respected. It doesn’t mean that one person’s reality is true and another person’s is not, it means that each person is having their own experience.
And this is where boundaries come into it, because if one has their own reality, it also means that they have their own personal space. This is an area that must not be crossed, unless permission is given.
At times, one’s personal space will be crossed without another having the intention of crossing it. This is to be expected, as what feels comfortable for one person, won’t feel comfortable for another.
So if other people are separate, it means that when one wants or needs something from another, they are going to have to ask in a way that respects their personal space and is a win-win experience.
To use control or coercion is going to be a violation and could cause the other person to be abused and taken advantage of. One person would go away feeling satisfied and the other would end up feeling victimised.
The Other Way
But respecting another person’s personal space and seeing that they are separate to them, is not always what happens. And there is naturally going to different degrees of this. When this is fairly mild in someone, they may try to control others at times or invalidate their reality during certain moments.
This is not going to lead to someone being labelled as being overly controlling or narcissistic. But it could rub a few people up the wrong way from time to time.
To always see others as an extension of oneself is going to cause problems. Other people will be seen as objects for one to control and as a means for them to get what they want.
Other people are not asked if they would do something, they will be expected to do something. And one will feel that they are entitled to having people do what they want and if this doesn’t happen, all hell could break lose. Win-win is not how they operate, win-lose is how things work with them.
Another person’s personal reality will also be dismissed and denied and one will try to make them take on board their own reality. So who they truly are could be covered up or if this relates to a child, it might never get the chance to see the light of day.
The Loss Of Self
This could then lead to the people around them being enmeshed and having no sense of individuality. Their identity has been created for them and they are not allowed to think or feel for themselves.
And as they see others as an extension of themselves, they are going to have an elevated sense of power. But this is not to be confused with being an empowered human being; this power is nothing more than a delusion.
So if this way of seeing other people and oneself is dysfunctional, then why does it exist? In most cases, the answers lie within ones time as a baby and then as a child. Because when one is a baby, they will see their mother as an extension of themselves.
And this is important, for at that age, one is completely dependent and powerless. So this illusion allows one to feel safe and secure and that they will get their needs and wants met.
Ideally, one will have had their needs and wants met on consistently, so they could break away from their caregiver after a few years. Here, they will come to see this power was an illusion, but this is counterbalanced through them realising their own inner power.
Breaking Away Or Staying Stuck
So they go from seeing themselves as being connected to their mother and having complete power over her, to seeing that they are separate and only have so much power. This is going to require a caregiver that is empathic and in tune with the Childs needs and wants.
If they are not in tune and therefore don’t give the child the right nurturing during this period, then the child can end up being stuck at this stage of their development. And then although they will physically grow up, they will still see other people as they saw their mother.
With their emotional development being stunted and as they didn’t get what they needed many years ago, it is not much of a surprise.
People who are like this will be labelled and this is understandable, as they can and do cause a lot of damage. But what they really need to do is to emotionally grow up and to see other people as adults who are separate from them, and not as a projection of their mother.
When someone is like this, it can be hard for them to get assistance. Denial may appear and resistance could also arise and this can stop them from changing. However, if someone does have this challenge and wants to move on, then they will have some emotional work to do.
The reason for this is that one is likely to have stayed the same emotionally and this is probably the result of one being neglected in some way. And so how one felt all those years ago would have ended up staying trapped in their body.
These trapped emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. And they will also provide the mirroring that one didn’t receive all those years ago.
It has recently been reported that rage could be the result of what is going on for someone at a biological level. And while this has been said, they have also wondered if it’s the other way around; with rage causing ones biology to change and not ones biology causing the rage.
However, whether one is an expert when it comes to biology or not, it is not going to be much of a surprise to hear that when one feels a certain way, their physical body also mirroring the experience.
But to say that ones biology is causing one to feel rage or any other emotion, means that one is nothing more than a passive observer. And that they have no control and are therefore not responsible for how they feel or don’t feel.
To look at it this way would mean that drugs would be one of the few options. This would treat the ‘machine’ and put at end, at least momentarily, to what the body is doing. Based on this outlook, the mind and the body are separate and they are both doing their own thing.
The Old Way
So if rage is a problem for someone, they could end up becoming dependent on drugs or another outside source. And if one has struggled with this for most of their life, then this might sound like the only solution available.
The need to go deeper is then taken away and all because someone out there is giving them the ‘answers’ they need. This is like the parent that does everything they can for their child, the child may enjoy it, but it keeps them in a regressed state of being.
They are unable to grow up and to realise who they are. In this example, the parent gets a sense of power and control. But when it comes to the drug companies, not only do they experience power and control over people, they also receive money and lots of it.
This is not to say that drug companies as a whole and everyone who works for them are hell bent on keeping people in a dependent and powerless state. But this is one of the consequences that arise from telling people that they have very little, if any, control over what is going on for them.
Fortunately, this is a time where people are beginning to realise their power and are no longer willing to give it away. To move from this dependent and powerless state of being, to their true state of being empowered and interdependent
In the western world, there is a complete focus on what is going on in ones physical body. And this has gradually gone on to include what is going on in ones mental body. What hasn’t yet been included is ones emotional body and this means that a lot of valuable information is going unnoticed.
One way to lose touch with this body is through being stuck in one’s head. And this generally happens as a result pain building up in the body; living in one’s head is then what feels safe. From this position, ones physical body is separate and one has no control over it.
This then comes down to the same reason; with it being likely that one left their body because it was too painful and they now can’t get back into their body because of the pain they will experience.
So as one has left their body, it is not much of a surprise that they don’t understand why they feel as they do or what is going on there. It’s a bit like standing by a swimming pool and wondering what it would be like to experience it.
It would be obvious that one needs to get into the pool in order to understand what it is like. And the same thing applies to understanding oneself. One needs to get back into their body and as they do this, the answers will start to appear.
When one is not in the water, they are going to rely on the people who are in there to tell them what it is like. And sometimes these people will be honest, but at other times they will say things that are inaccurate or only reflect what they are going through.
And to be out of one’s body means that one will look outside for the answers and these might be right, but they could also end up being completely false.
To experience rage could make one feel out of control and all kinds of damage could ensue as a result. Ones relationships and their healthy could suffer, as well as their career. This could be something they experience on a regular basis or on the odd occasion.
And being around others may not be necessary for one to feel rage, as they could be by themselves and their thinking alone could be enough to trigger it. Rage is similar to anger; the difference being that it is far stronger and is more of a whole body experience. It is not just a feeling; one can end up being possessed by it and lose all control.
One can then end up stuck in the rage and after a while, return to how they were. They could feel guilty and ashamed for what they did or feel that they were justified in how they reacted. But as this all happens so fast, they might not even be aware of why they became filled with rage in the first place.
However, even though one can be out of touch with their full emotional spectrum, they can still be in touch with things like: anger, rage, irritation, hate. These emotions appear when one feels threatened in some way and that their survival is at risk.
Under The Rage
So under the rage or any of the other emotions mentioned above, is going to be a sense of violation and compromise. And what the rage does is allow one to avoid feeling these deeper emotions.
To feel them would cause one to feel vulnerable and to feel rage allows them to feel safe and protected.
And one may have had one experience or numerous experiences where they felt violated recently or many years ago. With the anger from that moment or moments, staying inside them and building until it became rage. This could go back to when one was a child or a baby and been the result of some kind of abuse or neglect.
But because it was so long ago, one has lost touch with what actually happened. What they haven’t lost touch with is how angry it made them feel.
So time has passed and yet the emotional experiences of the past have stayed trapped in their body. And whenever they get into a situation that reminds them off it, everything gets triggered and one over reacts.
It will be important for one to release the emotional experience from their body and then they will have no reason to feel rage. They will be able to be present, instead of projecting their past onto the present.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their emotions and gradually release them.
There are many ways out there for one to change what is taking place within them and to therefore see themselves differently. With these changes making it possible for them to feel empowered and to be able to live the life they desire.
Now, although change can seem instant at times, it rarely happens over night. When it does appear instant, there are usually a lot of things that have happened in order for one to get to this point in the first place.
These can be steps that one has taken that have seemed almost insignificant up until his point. And yet they have gradually accumulated to allow one to reach a certain milestone and to go to the next level in their evolution.
But the desire to have quick or even instant results is very common in today’s world. Some people could say that life is short and therefore there is little time for change to be slow and drawn out.
While other people can take the position of ‘good things come to those who wait’. In this case, patience is the key and hard work will eventually pay off and be rewarded. Each one of us was an impatient and impulsive child at one point and so this impatient side is likely to be in everyone to some degree or another.
The difference being that some people can keep it under control and others have difficulty keeping this side in check.
However, there are clearly going to be moments in one’s life when being impatient is vital. To be patient during these moments could lead to one wasting time and to avoid taking action.
So it will be important to take each situation into account to make sure that one is using the right approach. This doesn’t mean that one will always get this right as we are only human and this means that mistakes will be made and the wrong decisions will be taken.
When one has something that they want to change, they may have the need to change it instantly and to embrace another way of being. If they have come to the conclusion that they want to change everything about themselves, then the need to change could be even greater.
And if they have one area that is extremely challenging, the need can be just as strong. This is going to create pain and a sense of being out of touch with their true nature.
The Next Step
Pain can be something one uses to push them towards what they want or one can end up engaging in escapes as a way to avoid pain. The first option can lead to growth; the second option can cause one to stay stuck.
And the desire for change can also cause one to be attached to a future time when things will be different and to lose the only moment they have ‘the present moment’ in the process. But this discomfort can also be used or channelled in such a way that one’s life ends up being enhanced, and not put off until a time in the future when it has the potential to be better.
With one having a vision and doing all they can now to make it a reality, as well as being content with the now. When one is attached to something, it can end up being pushed further away and repelled, where as to let it go, takes away the resistance and can allow one to experience what they desire sooner.
So what one can use to change their beliefs and thoughts and therefore their behaviour, are affirmations. These are certain statements that one says to themselves in order to create change. A certain time frame is generally recommended in order for one to internalise the message and for it to become who they are.
One could use these when they wake up and when they go to bed or at any time throughout the day. With repetition often being described as the key to all learning; the more times one says them the better.
However, some people use affirmations and nothing really happens. They might be told that they haven’t used them for long enough or said them with enough emotion attached for instance.
So one might say the following statement to themselves - ‘I can achieve anything I want’. And not only does there mind disagree with this, but they also end up feeling the complete opposite. One approach would be to keep saying it until all this other stuff goes away.
But to look at this another way would show that one is repressing how they really feel. If one stands by the outlook that their thoughts create their feelings, then this won’t be a problem. The challenge arises when an alternate point of view is raised; with this being that thoughts don’t always define how one feels.
Into The Body
It is also possible for ones feelings to define how one thinks. And this can be the result of one having trapped emotions in their body. For example, let’s say one has an experience that is emotionally charged. If these feelings are not processed, they can end up being trapped in one’s body.
And along with this emotional experience, will be the beliefs and the thoughts that the mind creates and these are often a consequence of how one feels. When one has trapped emotions in their body, it is going to be a challenge for them to accept statements that go against how they really feel.
In order for one to accept statements that are empowering, it might be necessary for them to release the trapped emotions in their body. As this happens, one will find it easier to internalise these statements.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a close friend for instance.
There are numerous challenges that can arise in a relationship and while some of these are fairly insignificant and can be overlooked, others are far more significant and can’t be ignored.
And while there is going to be external challenges, there is also going to be internal challenges. So this means the external challenges will typically be noticeable on the outside and if ones partner can’t see them, then perhaps friends or family will.
This is because denial may arise and ones partner might not want to acknowledge something that is taking place. On the other side of this are internal challenges; with these being ones that have not yet appeared on the outside.
So certain fears that one has about the relationship will be part of what is taking place inside. Now, these may reflect what is taking place and yet they could just be the result of one’s imagination and are therefore nothing more than a mental creation.
On one side there is what is taking place in the present moment and then there is the potential for one to project their past onto the current situation. Because as human beings, we all have our own baggage and the more we have, the more problems can arise in our relationships.
Relationships can be a way for one to deal with this baggage or they can be a way for one to avoid it. It can all depend on how aware one is and whether their partner is both aware and willing to deal with their own history.
So it could be that one’s partner has cheated on them and this is something they do on a fairly consistent basis. And therefore what their mind is telling them and how they feel is a reflection of reality.
Not only is this something they can sense, it is what other people have told them. What is taking place within is then validated by what is taking place without. All the evidence is there and one can then see that they are not going mad or deluding themselves.
Once one has the evidence, they can take the right steps to put an end to this dysfunctional behaviour. But this is not necessarily going to be easy; as one may have a strong emotional reaction and this can make it hard to function as they normally would.
Their partner could also resist and end up denying and invalidating what they are saying. So it won’t always be straightforward and involve one asking directly and getting an honest answer. Or they could admit to it and progress could well be made. It can all depend on how committed they are to the relationship and if they are willing to change their behaviour.
Just because one may think and feel that something is taking place, it doesn’t mean that this is so. The mind can create an inner experience and one can come to conclude that this is due to what is happening out there. And yet this could have nothing to do with what is out there and everything to do with their minds interpretation.
In this case, there is what is taking place and then there is how they are interpreting these occurrences. This could be a relationship that is based on honesty and trust and the people around them could also tell them how well behaved their partner is and still this is not enough to put their mind at rest.
This fear could be stronger at the beginning of the relationship, as each person is still getting to know each other and trust is still forming. However, this could also be a challenge as the relationship progresses.
So when one fears that their partner is cheating or could cheat, there is going to be a mental, emotional and physical reaction. Their mind is going to fire of thoughts, their emotional body is going to produce feelings and sensations are also likely to arise.
This could trigger the following feelings: anger, rage, betrayal, abandonment, powerlessness, loss, hopelessness and even the feeling that one is going to die. To look at this experience logically, this may appear to be a bit extreme and even out of place.
One might come to the conclusion that they are over reacting and they need to stop feeling this way. Other people may say that they need to trust and to build up their ‘self esteem’ and to believe in themselves. So thinking and behaving differently could be one way of dealing with this inner experience.
A Different Approach
Ideally, a relationship between two adults is based on mutual choice and they are together because they want to be and not because they feel they have to be. And if this is in place and trust is there, then there is no reason for one to have such a strong reaction.
The Past Revisited
However, the reason one is having such as strong reaction could be due to what it is triggering from their early childhood years. If ones partner cheats, there is the potential for one to be left by them. And when one imagines that their partner is cheating, the same experience of loss will come up.
One is highly unlikely to die when this happens as an adult, but to be left as a baby or a young child would feel like death. To be abandoned during these early years will feel like the end of the world and that is because one hasn’t developed the ability to regulate their emotions and is completely dependent.
To more emotionally aware ones caregivers were, the less chance one would have had of being abandoned as a baby and a child. This doesn’t mean that one had to be abandoned all the time, as this could have been a one off occurrence that was traumatic.
If one experienced a lot of emotional neglect and was therefore abandoned as a way of life, then they are likely to have experienced a lot of emotional pain during these early years. And with no one around to help them regulate how they felt, these emotions would have remained trapped in their body.
So time passed and one physically grew up and yet emotionally they have stayed the same and all because their body is holding onto the emotional experiences. The beliefs and thoughts that were formed as a result of what took place will also have stayed in one’s mind.
These beliefs and thoughts will need to be seen for what they are – illusions. And then these trapped feelings and emotions that are in one’s body will need to be realised. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
There is the potential for one to experience pain in all areas of their body. These can relate to one having a headache, stomach problems, tension in their shoulders and/or their lower back for instance.
With it being highly likely one has experienced at least one of the above this year, let alone throughout their whole life. For some people, they could be regular experiences and what has become part of their everyday life.
To live this way from time to time may not cause too many problems, but to constantly be under pressure in all or even one of these areas, is going to affects ones wellbeing. The pain doesn’t even need to be too extreme, because if it is there on a fairly consistent basis, it is going to wear one down.
There is also the potential for this pain to start off as irritating and annoying and then for it to build up. So as tine passes, one could end up being overwhelmed and taken out by it. And other consequences could then appear and cause even more pain.
This process could be very linear and the pain could get worse as the minutes, hours and days go by. Or it could just flair up and return to how it was before. Other factors can also make a big difference in how this pain fluctuates.
The common factors relate to: what one has or hasn’t been doing physically; what they have or haven’t eaten and how stressed they are. Genetics are also likely to be thrown into the mix as being a reason.
So through taking into account factors such as the ones above, one could: change their diet, exercise more and try to keep their stress levels to a minimum. And this approach will be enough for some people or it may at the very least take away some of the pain.
A Closer Look
It will be pretty normal then, for one to be asked about what they have been eating, if they have been doing any exercise and even about how their state of mind has been. But what is not as likely to take place is for someone to be asked about their emotional state.
If they were around a doctor or someone similar who was emotionally aware, then this could take place. And yet this is more of an exception than a rule in the western world or countries influenced by the western world.
So when one experiences physical pain, it is often seen as just the body playing up in some way and that one has no control over what is going on ‘down there’. And to be human means that one is fundamentally an emotional being.
Emotions need to be faced and released and therefore to flow just like a river, but if this can’t take place as they arise, then this needs take place soon after they have appeared. When they are not processed in some way, they will not simply disappear and that will be end of it.
They can end up being stuck in ones vital organs and muscles. And as they are trapped in one’s body, consequences will arise sooner or later.
However, even though these emotions have remained in one’s body, it doesn’t mean that they are aware of it. One can end up living on their head and have no awareness as to what is going on in their body.
Emotions are generally overlooked and as repression is very common in today’s world; not only is one unlikely to have healthy relationship with their emotions, but they could have an emotional build up within them.
This build up can be the result of what has happened throughout their adult life, as well as what happened during their childhood years. Years end up passing and the mind can forget all about what happened, and yet the body is only too aware of what took place.
And these trapped emotions can cause one experience physical pain in their back, as well as other areas of their body. But of course, this is not black and white; as back pain can be due to a physical strain, an accident, or even how someone has been sleeping for example.
The lower part of the body relates to survival; so having enough money, food and being supported by others for instance. But within the physical pain can be the following feelings: abandonment, hopelessness, powerlessness and death.
These feelings may sound a bit extreme and yet they often have their roots in what took place when one was a baby and a child. How supported one feels as an adult often depends on the kind of nurturing they received growing up.
As soon as one is born, they are dependent the support of their caregiver/s. If they are generally around to take care of one’s want and needs, then one is likely to grow up feeling supported.
But if this support is not consistent or in some cases nonexistent, then one would have had the odd moment or many moments where they felt: abandoned, hopeless, powerless, and that they were going to die. The mind would have created beliefs and thoughts and then this would have been taken as the truth about life.
To be left would mean that these feelings would not have been regulated by anyone and would have had to have been pushed out of their awareness.
And as these feelings remained in one’s body and the mind held onto the beliefs and thoughts, one would have no choice than to recreate the same reality all over again as an adult. The environment might be different, but the experience will be the same and the same patterns will appear.
To see that these beliefs are not the truth will be one thing, the next stage will be to release these trapped feelings and emotions. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?