For someone to meet their needs, they are going to need to know that they are worthy of having them met and to take action. Another way of looking at this is to say that there is the being element and the doing element.
However, although both of these elements are important, someone can be in a position where the latter is in place but not the former. Consequently, they are going to be out of balance. A Struggle They are then likely to give a lot but receive very little in return. Naturally, living in this way is going to take a lot out of them and they could often feel helpless and hopeless. To make matters worse, they might not be aware of the fact that they don’t feel worthy of having their needs met. If so, they can believe that they are merely unlucky and that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. A Logical Conclusion Yet, as they will have been doing a lot of the right things, this is to be expected. What can play a part in this is that they are likely to live in a society where taking action and working hard is seen as the most important thing when it comes to being successful. It is then not going to make sense for them to have done so much and received so little. There is a chance that some of their friends generally don’t have any trouble meeting their needs even though they don’t do as much. Another Part And, as they don’t have a felt sense of worthiness, they might have often gone to the next stage in one or a number of areas of their life, only to go back to where they were before. If this has taken place, they may have felt very angry and frustrated. This will show is that due to what is taking place for them at a deeper level, they won’t feel comfortable experiencing life differently. Thus, even if they are able to rise up, they will soon come crashing back down to earth. What’s going on? At this point, it might seem as strange as to why they wouldn’t realise that they don’t feel worthy of having their needs met. Nonetheless, if they have been this way for most of their life, it will just be what is normal. Also, they might not even be aware of how they feel, with them being in a shut down state. Furthermore, if they live in a society that is focused on the doing, they won’t be encouraged to explore their inner world. Back In Time If this is what is normal and they are in a shut down state, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when their mother and father were emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. So, they might have often been ignored, rejected, and left. What this would have done is caused them to feel unwanted, worthless, unloved, and as though they don’t belong. Taken To Heart Most likely, their mother and father had also been deprived during their formative years and were unable to provide them with what they needed. But, as they themselves were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. In addition to how they felt, they would have come to believe that they didn’t deserve to be here and to have their needs met, among other things. To handle this stage of their life, how they felt and a number of their developmental needs would have ended up being repressed. Self-Alienation The outcome of this is that Instead of being connected to their body, they would have been forced to disconnect from themselves. Their true self would have gone into hiding, with an externally focused false self emerging in its place. Years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten about most if not all of what took place. Even so, what is held inside them will continue to have a big impact on their conscious mind and on how they behave. A Hidden Need As they don’t have a felt sense of worth or lovability, a big part of what drives them will be coming from a need to prove that they are worthy and lovable. This will involve them unconsciously recreating a life that is very similar to how it was for them very early on, a time when they were deprived, in the hope that they will finally be valued and loved. This part of them will still be trying to receive their mother and father's love. It won’t realise that this stage of their life is over and that it is too late for them to meet their unmet developmental needs. Drawing the line For them to no longer struggle for something that can’t be received and to develop a felt sense of worth and lovability, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is a process that will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If someone was mistreated during their early years, they are likely to carry a lot of anger, rage, and hate. These feelings will be a natural consequence of having been violated throughout this stage of their life.
However, although this is the case, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of how they feel. The reason for this is that they could be in a shut down state, which will stop them from being able to connect with how they feel. Another Scenario But, if they are aware of and regularly express how they feel, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of why they feel this way. Instead, they can believe that what is going on in their life is the reason why they feel this way. Therefore, what is going on for them in the here and now will be what is causing them to experience these feelings. Now, this is not to say that this won’t be playing a part but there will be more to it. Two Parts What this illustrates is that there are the feelings and then there are the memories that go with them. By only being aware of the former, it won’t be possible for them to join the dots, so to speak. If they were to come to the conclusion that they have anger problems, they could reach out for support. This could end up being a time when they will learn how to manage their anger and the other feelings that are causing them problems. One Layer This approach might allow them to function better, but, as they won’t be exploring and resolving what is going on for them at a deeper level, it won’t do much else. To keep themselves under control and keep their cool, they can focus on their ‘negative’ thoughts and their breathing. Assuming that they are able to function better, it might not be long until they lose control and explode. If this does take place, they can feel guilty and ashamed. Self-judgement They can believe that they lack will power and are not trying hard enough. And, if they have done something that has caused a lot of harm, they can end up feeling very low. Yet, as they won’t have consciously chosen to behave in this way, laying into themselves won’t serve them. If their anger, rage, and hate were simply a consequence of the thoughts that they have, it would be a lot easier for them to control themselves. Going Deeper But, as what is held inside their unconscious mind is playing a part in what is going on for them, purely focusing on what is taking place for them at a conscious level is not going to deal with the root. What this approach will do is manage the effects, and this is why they will probably need to manage their anger forever. If they were to take a closer look at what is going on and go under their anger, rage, and hate, what they are likely to find is that they are carrying a lot of hurt. Moreover, there can be a number of unmet developmental needs. A brutal Time With this in mind, when they were mistreated as a child, they would have been deprived of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. This would have caused them to be hurt and this would have resulted in them feeling angry, enraged an,d hateful. Their self-preservation instinct would have kicked in, with them going into survival mode. Along with this, to handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs. A Cauldron The years would have passed but the pain and unmet developmental needs wouldn’t have disappeared; this is why it won’t take a lot for them to lose control. Deep down, they are also going to have the need to experience revenge. When they lose it, then, this will allow them to symbolically get their own back on their parent or parents. But, as it will be too late for this to take place and receive what they need, it won’t matter how many times they get angry. Moving Forward For them to no longer be full of fire and settle down, they will need to face their anger, rage, and hate, the hurt underneath it, and experience their unmet developmental needs. In other words, they will be fully experiencing and integrating what they were unable to fully experience and integrate during their formative years. It wouldn’t have been safe enough for them to do this and they wouldn’t have been strong enough either, with this being the reason why this material had to be repressed. This process will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Human Contact: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Need For Human Contact?28/11/2023
What can be normal is for someone to spend a lot of time by themselves, having very little interest in being around others. This could be how they have been for as long as they can remember.
Therefore, they might not wonder why they are this way or have the need to change their life. Then again, they may have had moments when they have wondered why they are this way and what they can to do change their life. An Isolated Existence However, even if they have had moments like this, they might not have taken the next step. So, regardless of if they have or haven’t been able to step back and reflect on their life, they are going to be missing out on a lot. What this comes down to is that they are an interdependent human being who needs to connect with others. Thus, it doesn’t matter whether they are aware of this need or not; they will pay a price. Hidden If they haven’t become aware of this need and are not aware of the feedback that makes this clear, it could show that they spend a lot of time in their head. This will allow them to not only keep their need for others at bay but to keep the pain of not meeting this need at bay. They can also have a number of things that they do to help keep this inner material out of their conscious mind. If so, this is likely to relate to things that they do automatically, as opposed to things that they consciously choose to do to avoid what is going on inside them. For example When they are not working, then, they can spend a lot of time online, watching films and playing video games, for instance. This will help to keep their attention away from themselves. Still, there can be moments when they are pulled back into themselves, with this being a time when they feel low and depressed. A big part of what is going on for them will be a consequence of the fact that they are missing out on the emotional nutrients that they need. One Step back When it comes to what they do for a living, they might do something that doesn’t involve a great deal of human contact. Yet, if they do spend a lot of time around others during this time, these interactions are not going to provide them with the same nutrients that close friendships would provide them. What these interactions will most likely help to do, though, is take the edge off the loneliness that they would experience unconsciously, if not consciously, by not having these types of connections in their life. This will then be better than nothing. Stepping Back After living in this way for many more months and perhaps years, they could arrive at the point where they are unable to continue. They could feel so drained and low that they know that something is not right and has to change. What could occur is that they spend a lot of time by themselves and that they need to spend more time around others. Nonetheless, another part of them could have no interest in this and be happy to carry on as normal. Inner Conflict What this will illustrate is that part of them wants to reach out but another part of them doesn’t. Moreover, based on how they live their life, the latter will be far stronger than the former. As they are an interdependent human being who needs to have supportive and loving bonds with others, it can seem strange as to why they would be this way. But, if their early years are taken into account, it might soon make sense. Back In Time This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable. The outcome of this is that, from the moment that they were born, they would have often been left, and, when they were given care, they would have often received misattuned care. As a result of this, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to bond with and develop a strong connection with their mother. This would have greatly wounded them and they would have been forced to disconnect from their body. One Option If they had stayed connected to their body, they would have been aware of their needs and feelings and this would have been too painful. Losing touch with this part of them was the only way for them to handle what was going on. They would have also come to associate human contact with something that would cause them to be harmed and suffer. From this experience and perhaps other painful experiences that they had as the years went by, it is clear why they would prefer to keep their distance. A Divided Being Instead of receiving what they needed to stay connected to themselves and develop a felt sense of safety, trust, worth and their own lovability, what they received will have separated them from themselves and caused them to develop a felt sense of unsafely, mistrust, unworthiness, and unlovability. Thanks to what is going on for them, they are not going to feel comfortable embracing their need for others. For this to change, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they might see is that just about every area of their life is one big battle. Due to this, they will be used to putting in a lot of effort while getting very little in return.
If there is a plus to the life that they lead, it could be that their life has moulded them into someone who is resilient and has a lot of inner strength. But, even if this is the case, they can be sick and tired of working so hard and having very little to show for it. One Area When it comes to what they do for a living, then, they can do something that they enjoy but they might not have been able to make much progress. Over the years, they may have done so much to try to move forward. And, if they have been able to move forward, they might have soon gone back to where they were before. To make matters worse, they might have watched on as others, who haven’t worked as hard, have moved forward. Another Area As for their love life, this might not be much better. Once again, they might have done a lot to try to attract the right person, only to end up in the same position time and time again. So, they might have continually ended up with people who were not interested in them and tried to make them see their value and love them. Their friends, on the other hand, could be far more successful even though they don’t do as much. One Conclusion Naturally, as they haven’t been able to get very far in these areas of their life and perhaps others, they are going to be in a bad way. This is not to say that they will want to live a life that is always easy but that they would like to be able to make progress in these areas of their life. To use an analogy: it will be as if they are at the same level and no matter what they do; they are unable to ‘level up’. As a result of this, they could believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. A Common Cycle What they might also see is that every now and then, they lose the desire to do just about anything and fall into a very deep hole. Before long, though, they could soon rise up and go back to trying to move forward. But, thanks to how long this has been going on, it could have gotten harder and harder for them to pull themselves up and to carry on. In other words, they could be desperate for a breakthrough. A Closer Look Based on how they experience life, it could be said that they are just unlucky and need to keep going. By doing this, sooner or later, their luck will change and they will be able to move forward. What could also be said is that they are unconsciously sabotaging their life because they don’t feel worthy of having what they desire. Thus, for their life to change, they will need to raise their self-esteem. Two Things When it comes to the view that they are just unlucky, this can be seen as nothing more than an assumption. What this view won’t do is allow them to move forward; it will just keep them stuck. As for the view that they are unconsciously sabotaging themselves due to their having low self-esteem, this can be seen as something that could be accurate. Unlike the previous reason, they will be able to do something about this. Another Angle However, if they do have low self-esteem, it doesn’t mean that this is the only thing that is causing them to experience life in this way. Further, this could just be a small part of why they are going around in circles. Beyond this, a big part of them can be trying to receive the love that they missed out on during their formative years. This need will then be outside of their conscious awareness but it will be having a big impact on their life. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, they may have had a mother and perhaps a father who were unavailable and unable to love them. Consequently, this would have deeply wounded and deprived them of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what took place, the pain that they were in and a number of their developmental needs would have ended up being repressed by their brain. Along with this, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that the reason they were not loved was because there was something inherently wrong with them. A Continuation This would have partly been a defence against reality as it would have been too much for them to accept that their mother and perhaps their father were unable to love them. To help keep their pain and reality at bay, then, they would have struggled to receive the love that was simply not available. Many, many years will have passed since they were a powerless and dependent child, but, a big part of them will still be trying to receive this love. This unmet developmental need will cause them to unconsciously create a life where they continue to struggle, in order to finally meet this need. The Same Story This part of them won’t know that this stage of their life is over and that it is too late to be loved by their mother and perhaps their father. What this illustrates is that this part of them won’t be able to accept that other people are not their mother and perhaps their father. If they were to reconnect to this part and face up to the fact that their childhood is over, a lot of pain would end up being unlocked. On one level, then, not being able to move forward is causing them to suffer, but, at a deeper level, continually struggling will allow them to avoid how they felt all those years ago. Another Reality This pain will be far more intense than the pain that they currently experience. Nonetheless, by facing this pain and working through it, and experiencing their unmet developmental needs, this pain will gradually subside. Also, this will allow their life to begin to flow. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
One thing that someone could wonder, if they had a mother who was typically not very nurturing, is why she even had a child or perhaps children. But, based on how she generally behaved, this is to be expected.
If she had generally been nurturing and supportive, there would be no reason for them to have this question. However, it might have taken them many, many years to get to this point A Number of Hurdles For so long, they might not have been aware of the fact that their mother had been cold and cruel. This will be because their brain blocked out what took place in order to allow them to keep it together and function. Also, after they became aware of some of what took place and if they had always been aware of certain things, they might have blamed themselves for what happened. What this would have done is stop them from being able to see their mother clearly. Inner Clarity Now, though, as they have been able to see her more clearly, it is likely to show that even if they do blame themselves for what happened, this blame won’t be as strong as it was before. Thanks to this, part of them will know that what happened wasn’t their fault and that their mother couldn't have been in a good way. Undoubtedly, if she had been in a good way, there would have been no reason for her to mistreat her own child. After all, this child was her own flesh and blood; not a random stranger, who simply came into her life and needed to be cared for. No Access There is a chance that they have tried to find out directly why their mother had a child but not have been able to make much headway. Moreover, their mother might deny that she mistreated them and make out that she was a good mother. For example, she could say that she gave them what they needed, with her focus being on their material needs. This could be true but what she will have seldom met was their emotional needs. Another Direction By not being able to find out directly why she had a child, or to have their early experiences acknowledged, they will know that they need to find another way to answer this question. What could also enter their mind is that their mother is not very connected to herself. Therefore, what could stand out is that she is not aware of why she had a child. And, if she has given reasons as to why she had a child, they will just be some of the reasons as to why this was. Going Deeper Taking into account how disconnected she is likely to be and how she behaved very early on, it is likely that her early years were anything but nurturing and she was deeply wounded. She would then have been deprived of the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Consequently, her physical and mental self would have grown but her emotional self would have been frozen in time. Additionally, to handle what happened, she would have ended up leaving her body and creating a disconnected and perhaps inflated false self. Unprepared So, when she became pregnant, it would have been as though a child was carrying a child and, when her child was born, she wouldn’t have been in a position to provide the child with what they needed. At this stage, their child needed a mother who was able to attune to their needs and generally meet them. Yet, as she was out of touch with her feelings and perhaps had a brain that was damaged due to her own early deprivation, she would have lacked the ability to do this. Instead, her child would have had to adapt to her needs and been deprived in the process. A Continuation As the years passed and her child got older, the fact that she wasn’t able to attach to her child would have made it easier for her to mistreat them. If she had bonded with her child, it would have been a lot harder for her to do this. But, although she was mistreating her child, she is likely to have really been engaging in indirect revenge. She was probably unable to see her child clearly, with her unconsciously projecting her parent or parents into them. The Main Question With this aside, if she has said that she wanted a child, for instance, and that’s why she had one, what will stand out is that there were many other reasons why she had one. But, as these reasons were hidden, she wouldn't have been aware of them. First, what may have played a part is that as she was a woman, she felt that she should have a child. Second, she might not have planned to get pregnant but had been pressured into keeping it. The Other Side These will relate to what was taking place for her at a couscous level; there will then be what was taking place for her at an unconscious level. Deep down, she may have believed that having a child would allow her to finally receive what she missed out on as a child. A child would give her the attunement, love, admiration and attention that she missed out on from her own parents. Her child, before they were even born, would have had their role set out for them. Repeating The Past Along with this, there are likely to be many other reasons why a mother, who couldn’t love but wasn’t aware of this, both had and kept her child. Ultimately, as she was likely to have been deeply wounded as a child and hadn’t become aware of let alone dealt with any of her issues, she passed on what was done to her. This is an example of how one generation passes on what was done to them, while being totally oblivious to what is taking place. What this emphasises is how important self-awareness and healing are when it comes to drawing the line. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk False Self: Can Someone Have The Need To Hide Themselves If They Had A Highly Critical Parent?24/11/2023
What can be normal is for someone to hide how they feel and a number of their needs. Consequently, when they are around others, they are going to typically put on an act and hide who they are.
This can mean that they will generally come across as though they are fine and that nothing is bothering them. Along with this, they could largely be easy-going and happy to go along with what others want. A Mask However, although who they are will seldom see the light of day around others, most of the people in their life might not be aware of this. This can show that they are caught up with their own needs. Then again, they could be just as disconnected from themselves. What this will do is prevent them from being able to tune into what is really going on. A Miserable Existence Not being seen and heard by others is going to take its toll on their mental and emotional health. This comes down to the fact that they are an interdependent human being. Thus, having human contact is likely to be better than not having any but as they are not seen and heard, it won’t be as nourishing as it would be otherwise. But, if living in this way is normal, they probably won’t pay attention to the feedback that arises to let them know that they are out of alignment with themselves. The Signs So, they could often feel frustrated and down, with these inner states being there to let them know that they are not showing up and being seen and heard. Yet, instead of paying attention to this information, they could end up doing something to avoid how they feel. And, this can be something that takes place so quickly, that they are not even aware of what they are doing. This will show that a big part of them doesn’t want to face up to what is going on. Many Parts The part of them that does want to express who they are and be seen and heard is then going to be dominated by another part of them that doesn’t. This will show that they are in a place of conflict. Nonetheless, sooner or later, they could get to the point where they no longer have the desire or energy to behave in this way. If they do, they can end up wondering why their life is this way. Resistance To gain a deeper understanding of what is going on, they could imagine that they were to freely express themselves and no longer hide behind a mask. This can end up being a time when they will feel alive and greatly relieved. But, after a while, their inner experience could change, with them feeling anxious and fearful. What this will then do is give them the need to go back to how they were before. Confusion After having this inner experience, they wonder why freely expressing themselves and being seen and heard for who they are feels so uncomfortable. What could enter their mind is that what is going on for them is irrational. Even so, if they were to take a closer look at what took place during their formative years, what is going on for them as an adult might start to make sense. This may have been a time when they grew up in an environment that was anything but nurturing. Back In Time One or both of their parents might have been very critical and cruel. Being put down, criticised and made fun of would then have been the rule as opposed to the exception. They would have been sent the message that it wasn’t safe for them to be themselves and that there was something inheritably wrong with them. To handle this, they would have gradually lost touch with a number of their needs and feelings and created a disconnected false self. A Continuation Being treated in this way and not being loved for who they were would have deeply wounded them and deprived them of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life but they won’t have truly moved on. A big part of them will still believe that they live in an environment where it is not safe for them to be themselves. Doing so will be seen as something that will cause them to be humiliated, rejected and perhaps abandoned. Moving Forward Most if not all of the pain that they experienced and repressed will be held inside them, along with a number of their unmet developmental needs. This inner material will be playing a big part in why a big part of them is stuck in the past. To let go of this inner material, they will need to face and work through this pain and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Based on how someone experiences life, it can be as though they have done something that is extremely bad. The reason for this is that they could have the tendency to feel bad about themselves.
When they do feel good, then, this will be the exception as opposed to the rule. And, during these moments, they could soon end up feeling guilty and ashamed, which will make it hard for them to sustain this inner experience. Isolated Still, although they will often be in a low place, it doesn’t mean that they will have shared what is going on for them with anyone else. Therefore, even if they are surrounded by people, it will be as if they are all alone. At the same time, they might not be consciously aware of what is taking place inside them. It might seem strange how this could be possible but this could show how normal this is and that their life has been this way for a very long time. At the bottom When they are around others, they could automatically play a role. This can be a role where they create the impression that everything is fine and they may appear to be happy. But, when they are by themselves, they could have the tendency to feel very low and depressed. They could also have a strong critical voice that puts them down in a variety of different ways. A Battle This voice could be very strong when they are trying to fall asleep at night and although it might not be there when they wake up, this could be a time when usually feel exhausted. What could make matters worse is that they could have a job that they hate. This could be because they do something that they don’t enjoy doing and they could be treated badly. As a result of this, when they are not there, they can dread going back and when they are there, they can be desperate to leave. No Better As for the people who are in their life, they could be treated badly by them and as though they are nothing. Alternatively, they might not be treated badly but they might not be seen or heard by them. In this case, they will very much be in the background and they won’t be able to receive the emotional nutrients that they need. They may or may not be in a romantic relationship but if they are, this is unlikely to be much better. A Hypothetical Scenario If another person had the ability to tune into their inner world, they could be shocked by how harsh it is. What could soon enter their mind is that this is someone who has done something that is unforgivable. Yet, if they also had the ability to look back on this person’s life, to see what it is that they have done that is extremely bad, they might not be able to find anything. They could see that they have made mistakes and done a few bad things but that could be it. An Analogy It will then be similar to typing something into a search engine and there being no results. From this, what will stand out is that there is no reason for them to experience life in this way. Nonetheless, if they were to talk to them about what they have found, it doesn’t mean that what they say would have much of an impact on their life. It could go in one ear and out of the other. What’s going on? At this point, it can seem strange as to why someone would feel so bad themselves even though they haven’t done something that is extremely bad. But, while what is going on for them can appear to be irrational, there can be far more to it. If what took place throughout their formative years is taken into account, it could make complete sense. This may have been a time when they were mistreated in a variety of different ways. Back In Time They may have been physically harmed, verbally put down and neglected, for instance, and, as they were egocentric, how they were treated would have been personalised. It then wouldn’t have mattered that how they were treated was not a reflection of their value or lovability. Their underdeveloped brain would have come to believe that they were worthless, bad and unlovable, among other things. Another part of this is that taking responsibility for what happened would have given them hope that they could change their parent or parents and be loved by them. Totally Powerless But, as their parent or parents were likely to have been deeply wounded as a result of what they went through as a child, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. Quite simply, as their parent or parents were unlikely to have been loved during their formative years and were unable to face and work through their own inner wounds, they wouldn’t have been in a position to love their child. Not only this, but they would have unconsciously projected their own repressed ‘darkness’ into their child and held them accountable for what their parent or parents had done to them. With this in mind, they were blamed for a crime that they didn’t commit and how they felt and continue to feel is how their parent or parents are likely to have felt very early and should have felt when they were harming them. Moving On For them to know, at the core of their being, that they are not worthless, bad or unlovable and that they deserve to live a fulfilling life, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is something that will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone was mistreated during their formative years, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to acknowledge this. This can mean that they won’t talk about what happened or they could often talk about some of the things that happened.
But, if they do talk about some of the things that happened, they could talk about it in a very matter-of-fact way. Along with this, they could say that it was for their own good or words to that effect. A Strange Scenario If so, it will be as if they are talking about something that happened to someone else and that their parent or parents behaved in this way to mould them into a well-functioning and capable adult. From this, it will be clear that it is not possible for them to see clearly. Furthermore, if another person were to point out that they were treated badly; this could soon be met with denial. After this, this person could end up being accused of having something against their parent or parents. A Brick Wall Based on how they behave, it will seem as though they are simply choosing to block out reality. However, while this can seem to be the case, there is likely to be far more to it Most likely, their brain is stopping them from being able to face reality, due to how painful it would be for them to do so. This is then not something that they are consciously choosing to do. Too Much What this illustrates is that self-deception is a key part of what allows someone to keep it together and function. If their brain wasn’t able to keep their pain at bay and they were unable to deceive themselves, they would fall apart. The trouble is that while their brain will do this, the impact that their early years had on them is unlikely to be completely hidden. The pain and the developmental needs that were not met and were repressed throughout this time will probably affect them in a variety of different ways. The Symptoms For example, they could spend a lot of time in an emotionally shut down state, with their feelings typically being a mystery. This is likely to mean that they will spend a lot of time feeling down and depressed. At other moments, they could suffer from anxiety, finding it hard to feel calm and centred. Feeling good about themselves could also be a challenge, with them often feeling low and having a strong critical voice. A Secondary Defence But, as how they experience life is likely to just be what is normal, it might not be something that they are consciously aware of. Still, this is not to say that they won’t have a number of ways to manage the impact that all their pain and unmet developmental needs are having on their conscious mind and perhaps body. They can spend a lot of time working, doing what they can to please others, exercising, eating and/or drinking, for instance. Whatever it is that they do, to stop input from other areas of their brain from entering their conscious awareness, it can be something that happens without them needing to think about it. One Approach And, if their brain’s ability to repress pain and these secondary defences were no longer as effective, they could reach out to their doctor. During this time, they could talk about how they suffer from depression and anxiety. Yet, instead of this being a time when their history will be explored, it can be a time when they will end up being put on medication and/or being told that their ‘negative’ thoughts are the issue. Consequently, the repressed material that is trying to break through to their conscious awareness will soon be pushed back down and more defences will be built and, thereby, allow them to continue to live in denial and on the surface of themselves. The other Side If this was to take place, they could end up going their whole life without ever reconnecting to their true self and facing up to the fact that they were mistreated. This would be different, of course, if they lived in a society that encouraged people to reconnect to their true selves and to work through their pain but they are likely to live in a society that is largely an unconscious manifestation of the need to avoid pain. Therefore, even if they are not surrounded by people who are disconnected from themselves and are unconsciously colluding with them to stay unconscious, the people who they reach out to, such as doctors and therapists, who are in the same position, will help them to avoid themselves. If they do stay this way until their last breath, then, it won’t be a surprise. A Brutal Time With this aside, what this shows is that although they are now an adult, as opposed to a powerless and dependent child, they feel safe or strong enough to face how they feel. To be harmed by their own parent or parents would have been too much for them to handle then and it will be seen as being too much for them to handle now. At this stage of their life, along with losing touch with their feelings and a number of their needs, they had to block out reality; it was simply too much for them to accept what their parent or parents were actually like. A big part of them won’t have moved on, and, this is why, keeping what is going on for them at bay and avoiding reality will still be seen as the only way for them to survive. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Nowadays, there is less pressure on people to have a traditional relationship and even to get married. Thanks to this, people have far more freedom to express themselves and experience something that is actually right for them.
So, for a while now, casual encounters have been an option, and, more recently, there is the option to have an open relationship. Both of these options are also offered on different dating apps, making it easier for someone to find exactly what they are looking for. The Difference When it comes to casual encounters, this will relate to someone primarily sharing their body with another. However, when it comes to an open relationship, this will relate to them being in a relationship and primarily sharing their body with others. In this type of set up, then, both they and their partner will be able to share sexual experiences with other people. Thus, it is not that one person is allowed to do this but the other isn’t. The Reason In addition to the greater sexual variety that they and their partner will experience, they will be able to experience different energies, too. Naturally, there will need to be a certain level of trust, a good level of communication and clear boundaries. Without this, of course, what is done to enhance their own life and their relationship could end up having the opposite outcome. Taking a step back, this emphasises how important it is for them to be clear and the very beginning and to make sure that another person is fully on board with this type of set up. A Few Hurdles Yet, even if they were to be clear about what they wanted from the beginning and another person was on board with this, it doesn’t necessarily mean that everything would end up being fine. So, as time passes and as their partner gets attached to them, they might not want an open relationship, or as they themselves get attached to their partner, they could change their mind. Alternatively, their partner could still be on board with this and then, after this has taken place, they could change their mind, or vice versa. This shows that although something can sound good, when it is experienced and emotions are involved, it can be the complete opposite. Two Parts When someone desires and even has this type of relationship, it could be said that they are simply not made to be in a monogamous relationship. This is then something that is black and white and there is nothing more to it. This could be the case; then again, there could be far more to it. What this may show is that they are not very integrated. Going Deeper Assuming that this is so, it can mean that they have had the tendency to end up in a relationship where only one or two parts of them are on board. They can like and value the person that they are with but not be sexually attracted to them. Therefore, having an open relationship will allow them to take care of their need to be with someone who they feel comfortable around and value and to care of their sexual needs. If, then, they were more integrated and were able to meet someone who they were sexually attracted to, loved and perhaps had a mental connection with, they might not have this need. Another Part If the above is true, what can also play a part in why they haven’t been able to find someone who ticks all of their boxes, so to speak, is because they fear getting emotionally close to another. Being with someone who they are not sexually attracted to is then going to be frustrating, but, deep down, this can be what feels comfortable. If they were to meet someone who was different, they could end up feeling smothered and trapped. Additionally, a big part of them might not even believe that it is possible for them to meet someone like this or that they even deserve to. One More As they are not in tune with these different parts of themselves, it is likely to show that they are emotionally shut down. Consequently, this will have an effect on their ability to love and be loved. This will prevent them from being able to form a strong emotional attachment to another person. At this point, it could seem strange as to why someone would be this way. A Deeper Look What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were unable to connect to and develop a strong attachment to their mother. As a result, they would have been deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way and been deeply wounded in the process. To handle what was going on, as they were unable to change their mother or to find another mother, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs and they would have gone into a shut down state. The outcome If they were connected to themselves and integrated when they were born, they would soon become disconnected from themselves and divided. And, as they would have received misattuned care, to one degree or another, closeness would have been seen as something that would cause them to be smothered and trapped, while separation would have been seen as something that would cause them to be abandoned. Disconnecting from their body and not having a strong connection with their feelings would have blocked their ability to receive and give love. This stage of their life will be over but, due to the impact that it had on them, they won’t have truly moved on. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For a little while, someone may have experienced thoughts that are having a negative effect on their wellbeing. Along with these thoughts, there can be feelings that also arise.
These thoughts and feelings are then not going to be positive and empowering; they will be negative and disempowering. Moreover, they can have very little if any connection with reality. For Example Said another way, they will be irrational and, therefore, there will be no reason for them to experience them. So, if they were to step back and reflect on what often goes through their mind, a number of thought patterns may stand out. They could find that, although they are in a loving and supportive relationship, they continually think about how they are going to end up being rejected and left. If they have a job that they enjoy, they could also often think about how it’s only a matter of time before they will be fired and will no longer be able to survive. The Other Part If they are in this position and often have these thoughts as well as others, it is going to be normal for them to experience a number of ‘negative’ feelings. Together, these two elements will create a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress. What is going on within them is then going to have an impact on how they behave and they could even end up doing something, or a number of things, that will lead to the very thing that they fear. For example, they could act very needy and end up pushing their partner away, or their performance could drop at work and this could cause them to end up losing their job. The Next Step At this point, it will be a good idea for them to reach out for external support so that they can change their life. If they were to end up working with a cognitive behavioural therapist, they could end up being told their thoughts are ‘irrational’. This can then be a time when they will be encouraged to question their thoughts and to replace them with more ‘rational’ thoughts. By engaging in this process and perhaps doing other things to change what is going on in their mind, they may find that they begin to have thoughts and feelings that are more ‘rational’. The outcome Consequently, they will be able to be more present when it comes to their relationship and to embrace what it is really like. As for their job, they can go back to being able to function at their best and this area of their life could even improve. From this, it will be clear that their ‘irrational’ thoughts were the cause of their problems. Thanks to how different their life is, they could be relieved and deeply grateful. Another Angle However, even if this approach works, what if the thoughts and feelings that they had were not completely irrational? Of course, in the here and now, they would have been irrational, but, if their history was taken into account, they could be completely rational. The trouble is that if it is only their conscious mind and the here and now that is taken into account, it is to be expected that certain thoughts and feelings will be seen as irrational. It will then be as if they begin and end with their conscious mind. A Surface Level Approach Their unconscious mind is then not going to be mentioned let alone explored, and this means that the impact that it is having on their life will be overlooked. This part of them contains material that they had to repress as a child and have repressed as an adult. When it comes to their early years, there will be the pain, unmet developmental needs and parts of themselves that had to be removed from their conscious awareness. But, although this material will be held in another part of them, it will still have an impact on what is taking place in their conscious mind. Going Deeper Now, as they had thoughts that related to them being rejected and left and no longer being able to survive, there is a chance that their early years were a time when they were often rejected, left and felt like they were going to die. This could show that both their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. As they were powerless and totally dependent at this stage, they were unable to change what was going on or to find another mother and perhaps a father. Due to this, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs in order to allow them to keep it together and function. The next Stage The years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten all about what took place but their unconscious mind wouldn’t have. This part of them, that has no sense of time and is unable to see clearly, will continually project their past onto their present. The reason for this is that as they had to repress how they felt and were unable to face and integrate it, what happened will be seen as something that will happen. Without this understanding, it will be perfectly normal for what is taking place in one part of them, their couscous mind, to be seen as being ‘irrational’. Getting To The Root With this in mind, changing what is going on in their mind will have allowed them to deal with a symptom of something that is a consequence of a much deeper issue, but it won’t have done much else. The pain will still be inside them and sooner or later, it is likely to make itself known again. Alternatively, if it is unable to break through to their conscious awareness, due to the defences that they have erected, it could end up having an impact on their physical health. This shows how important it is to see the mind as a messenger as opposed to something that is simply playing up and causing unnecessary problems. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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