Even though someone was mistreated during their formative years, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to acknowledge this. This can mean that they won’t talk about what happened or they could often talk about some of the things that happened.
But, if they do talk about some of the things that happened, they could talk about it in a very matter-of-fact way. Along with this, they could say that it was for their own good or words to that effect. A Strange Scenario If so, it will be as if they are talking about something that happened to someone else and that their parent or parents behaved in this way to mould them into a well-functioning and capable adult. From this, it will be clear that it is not possible for them to see clearly. Furthermore, if another person were to point out that they were treated badly; this could soon be met with denial. After this, this person could end up being accused of having something against their parent or parents. A Brick Wall Based on how they behave, it will seem as though they are simply choosing to block out reality. However, while this can seem to be the case, there is likely to be far more to it Most likely, their brain is stopping them from being able to face reality, due to how painful it would be for them to do so. This is then not something that they are consciously choosing to do. Too Much What this illustrates is that self-deception is a key part of what allows someone to keep it together and function. If their brain wasn’t able to keep their pain at bay and they were unable to deceive themselves, they would fall apart. The trouble is that while their brain will do this, the impact that their early years had on them is unlikely to be completely hidden. The pain and the developmental needs that were not met and were repressed throughout this time will probably affect them in a variety of different ways. The Symptoms For example, they could spend a lot of time in an emotionally shut down state, with their feelings typically being a mystery. This is likely to mean that they will spend a lot of time feeling down and depressed. At other moments, they could suffer from anxiety, finding it hard to feel calm and centred. Feeling good about themselves could also be a challenge, with them often feeling low and having a strong critical voice. A Secondary Defence But, as how they experience life is likely to just be what is normal, it might not be something that they are consciously aware of. Still, this is not to say that they won’t have a number of ways to manage the impact that all their pain and unmet developmental needs are having on their conscious mind and perhaps body. They can spend a lot of time working, doing what they can to please others, exercising, eating and/or drinking, for instance. Whatever it is that they do, to stop input from other areas of their brain from entering their conscious awareness, it can be something that happens without them needing to think about it. One Approach And, if their brain’s ability to repress pain and these secondary defences were no longer as effective, they could reach out to their doctor. During this time, they could talk about how they suffer from depression and anxiety. Yet, instead of this being a time when their history will be explored, it can be a time when they will end up being put on medication and/or being told that their ‘negative’ thoughts are the issue. Consequently, the repressed material that is trying to break through to their conscious awareness will soon be pushed back down and more defences will be built and, thereby, allow them to continue to live in denial and on the surface of themselves. The other Side If this was to take place, they could end up going their whole life without ever reconnecting to their true self and facing up to the fact that they were mistreated. This would be different, of course, if they lived in a society that encouraged people to reconnect to their true selves and to work through their pain but they are likely to live in a society that is largely an unconscious manifestation of the need to avoid pain. Therefore, even if they are not surrounded by people who are disconnected from themselves and are unconsciously colluding with them to stay unconscious, the people who they reach out to, such as doctors and therapists, who are in the same position, will help them to avoid themselves. If they do stay this way until their last breath, then, it won’t be a surprise. A Brutal Time With this aside, what this shows is that although they are now an adult, as opposed to a powerless and dependent child, they feel safe or strong enough to face how they feel. To be harmed by their own parent or parents would have been too much for them to handle then and it will be seen as being too much for them to handle now. At this stage of their life, along with losing touch with their feelings and a number of their needs, they had to block out reality; it was simply too much for them to accept what their parent or parents were actually like. A big part of them won’t have moved on, and, this is why, keeping what is going on for them at bay and avoiding reality will still be seen as the only way for them to survive. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Nowadays, there is less pressure on people to have a traditional relationship and even to get married. Thanks to this, people have far more freedom to express themselves and experience something that is actually right for them.
So, for a while now, casual encounters have been an option, and, more recently, there is the option to have an open relationship. Both of these options are also offered on different dating apps, making it easier for someone to find exactly what they are looking for. The Difference When it comes to casual encounters, this will relate to someone primarily sharing their body with another. However, when it comes to an open relationship, this will relate to them being in a relationship and primarily sharing their body with others. In this type of set up, then, both they and their partner will be able to share sexual experiences with other people. Thus, it is not that one person is allowed to do this but the other isn’t. The Reason In addition to the greater sexual variety that they and their partner will experience, they will be able to experience different energies, too. Naturally, there will need to be a certain level of trust, a good level of communication and clear boundaries. Without this, of course, what is done to enhance their own life and their relationship could end up having the opposite outcome. Taking a step back, this emphasises how important it is for them to be clear and the very beginning and to make sure that another person is fully on board with this type of set up. A Few Hurdles Yet, even if they were to be clear about what they wanted from the beginning and another person was on board with this, it doesn’t necessarily mean that everything would end up being fine. So, as time passes and as their partner gets attached to them, they might not want an open relationship, or as they themselves get attached to their partner, they could change their mind. Alternatively, their partner could still be on board with this and then, after this has taken place, they could change their mind, or vice versa. This shows that although something can sound good, when it is experienced and emotions are involved, it can be the complete opposite. Two Parts When someone desires and even has this type of relationship, it could be said that they are simply not made to be in a monogamous relationship. This is then something that is black and white and there is nothing more to it. This could be the case; then again, there could be far more to it. What this may show is that they are not very integrated. Going Deeper Assuming that this is so, it can mean that they have had the tendency to end up in a relationship where only one or two parts of them are on board. They can like and value the person that they are with but not be sexually attracted to them. Therefore, having an open relationship will allow them to take care of their need to be with someone who they feel comfortable around and value and to care of their sexual needs. If, then, they were more integrated and were able to meet someone who they were sexually attracted to, loved and perhaps had a mental connection with, they might not have this need. Another Part If the above is true, what can also play a part in why they haven’t been able to find someone who ticks all of their boxes, so to speak, is because they fear getting emotionally close to another. Being with someone who they are not sexually attracted to is then going to be frustrating, but, deep down, this can be what feels comfortable. If they were to meet someone who was different, they could end up feeling smothered and trapped. Additionally, a big part of them might not even believe that it is possible for them to meet someone like this or that they even deserve to. One More As they are not in tune with these different parts of themselves, it is likely to show that they are emotionally shut down. Consequently, this will have an effect on their ability to love and be loved. This will prevent them from being able to form a strong emotional attachment to another person. At this point, it could seem strange as to why someone would be this way. A Deeper Look What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were unable to connect to and develop a strong attachment to their mother. As a result, they would have been deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way and been deeply wounded in the process. To handle what was going on, as they were unable to change their mother or to find another mother, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs and they would have gone into a shut down state. The outcome If they were connected to themselves and integrated when they were born, they would soon become disconnected from themselves and divided. And, as they would have received misattuned care, to one degree or another, closeness would have been seen as something that would cause them to be smothered and trapped, while separation would have been seen as something that would cause them to be abandoned. Disconnecting from their body and not having a strong connection with their feelings would have blocked their ability to receive and give love. This stage of their life will be over but, due to the impact that it had on them, they won’t have truly moved on. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For a little while, someone may have experienced thoughts that are having a negative effect on their wellbeing. Along with these thoughts, there can be feelings that also arise.
These thoughts and feelings are then not going to be positive and empowering; they will be negative and disempowering. Moreover, they can have very little if any connection with reality. For Example Said another way, they will be irrational and, therefore, there will be no reason for them to experience them. So, if they were to step back and reflect on what often goes through their mind, a number of thought patterns may stand out. They could find that, although they are in a loving and supportive relationship, they continually think about how they are going to end up being rejected and left. If they have a job that they enjoy, they could also often think about how it’s only a matter of time before they will be fired and will no longer be able to survive. The Other Part If they are in this position and often have these thoughts as well as others, it is going to be normal for them to experience a number of ‘negative’ feelings. Together, these two elements will create a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress. What is going on within them is then going to have an impact on how they behave and they could even end up doing something, or a number of things, that will lead to the very thing that they fear. For example, they could act very needy and end up pushing their partner away, or their performance could drop at work and this could cause them to end up losing their job. The Next Step At this point, it will be a good idea for them to reach out for external support so that they can change their life. If they were to end up working with a cognitive behavioural therapist, they could end up being told their thoughts are ‘irrational’. This can then be a time when they will be encouraged to question their thoughts and to replace them with more ‘rational’ thoughts. By engaging in this process and perhaps doing other things to change what is going on in their mind, they may find that they begin to have thoughts and feelings that are more ‘rational’. The outcome Consequently, they will be able to be more present when it comes to their relationship and to embrace what it is really like. As for their job, they can go back to being able to function at their best and this area of their life could even improve. From this, it will be clear that their ‘irrational’ thoughts were the cause of their problems. Thanks to how different their life is, they could be relieved and deeply grateful. Another Angle However, even if this approach works, what if the thoughts and feelings that they had were not completely irrational? Of course, in the here and now, they would have been irrational, but, if their history was taken into account, they could be completely rational. The trouble is that if it is only their conscious mind and the here and now that is taken into account, it is to be expected that certain thoughts and feelings will be seen as irrational. It will then be as if they begin and end with their conscious mind. A Surface Level Approach Their unconscious mind is then not going to be mentioned let alone explored, and this means that the impact that it is having on their life will be overlooked. This part of them contains material that they had to repress as a child and have repressed as an adult. When it comes to their early years, there will be the pain, unmet developmental needs and parts of themselves that had to be removed from their conscious awareness. But, although this material will be held in another part of them, it will still have an impact on what is taking place in their conscious mind. Going Deeper Now, as they had thoughts that related to them being rejected and left and no longer being able to survive, there is a chance that their early years were a time when they were often rejected, left and felt like they were going to die. This could show that both their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. As they were powerless and totally dependent at this stage, they were unable to change what was going on or to find another mother and perhaps a father. Due to this, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs in order to allow them to keep it together and function. The next Stage The years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten all about what took place but their unconscious mind wouldn’t have. This part of them, that has no sense of time and is unable to see clearly, will continually project their past onto their present. The reason for this is that as they had to repress how they felt and were unable to face and integrate it, what happened will be seen as something that will happen. Without this understanding, it will be perfectly normal for what is taking place in one part of them, their couscous mind, to be seen as being ‘irrational’. Getting To The Root With this in mind, changing what is going on in their mind will have allowed them to deal with a symptom of something that is a consequence of a much deeper issue, but it won’t have done much else. The pain will still be inside them and sooner or later, it is likely to make itself known again. Alternatively, if it is unable to break through to their conscious awareness, due to the defences that they have erected, it could end up having an impact on their physical health. This shows how important it is to see the mind as a messenger as opposed to something that is simply playing up and causing unnecessary problems. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What might soon stand out, if someone were to step back and reflect, is that they have the tendency to end up with people who are not right for them. This could be something that has happened so often that they question if they want to be with another person.
But, as fed up as they can be, what this will have done is allow them to stop what they are doing and to take a closer look at what is going on. By doing this, it can allow them to gradually change this area of their life. Jumping In So, it might generally not take them long to attach to another person. After they have met someone, then, they could end up getting physical with them and perhaps having sex. This could be what happens after a matter of days or even weeks. What this will do is cause them to form an emotional and physical connection with them before they have found out if they are a good match for them. The Next Stage Along with this, as the days, weeks and months pass, part of them could wonder why they are with them as they might not have much in common. Not only this but they might not be treated very well either. However, as they will have formed an attachment to them they probably won’t just be able to walk away for them. It could then take a little while before they are able to draw the line and move on. A Tough Time Now, once they are able to do this, part of them can be greatly relieved but another part of them can be in a bad way and crave their ex. If so, this part of them could hope that they will get back with their ex. This can be seen, by this part of them, as the only way for them to feel better. Assuming that this was to happen, they could feel better in the short term but feel worse as time passes. Another Scenario Or, they could end up finding someone else to attach to and the same pattern could play out. Therefore, over the years, they will have had many highs and many lows and this is likely to have taken a lot out of them. Nonetheless, while they will have had enough of living in this way, they might not believe that there is another way for them to experience life. This is likely to show that they feel helpless and hopeless. Two Levels On one level, it is going to seem as though they just happen to end up with the wrong people, but, there is a strong chance that there is far more to it. As strange as this may sound, another part of them could be causing them to continually end up with the wrong people. Thus, at this level, they are ending up with who this part of them wants them to end up with. At this point, it could seem as if there is something inherently wrong with them. Going Deeper But, if they were to explore what took place during their formative years, what is going on for them might start to make sense. This may have been a time in their life when it wasn’t possible for them to attach to and bond with their mother and/or father. This would have deeply wounded them and prevented them from receiving what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed the pain they were in and a number of their developmental needs. Out of Reach Yet, although they wouldn’t have been able to attach to and bond with their mother and/or father, they wouldn’t have been able to completely accept this. As they were powerless and totally dependent, this would have been too much for all of them to accept. As a result of this, along with blocking out how they felt and a number of their developmental needs, what their mother and/or father were actually like would have also been blocked out. Part of them would have lived in the hope that if they struggled enough, they would finally be loved. Replaying The Past What played a part in this is that they were egocentric, so they would have believed that they were the problem and if they changed, their mother and/or father would change and give them what they needed. Most likely, though, their mother and/or father were simply unable to love them as they were probably not loved during their early years. The years would have passed and, deep down, they would have continued to look for the love that they missed out on. Their unconscious mind will have caused them to unconsciously recreate scenarios that were very similar in the hope that they would finally be loved. It's Over It won’t matter that this stage of their life is over or that another person is not their mother and/or father as this part of them has no sense of time and is blind. For them to no longer look for what can’t be provided and accept what can, they are likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Now that someone is an adult, they could typically ignore a number of their needs. But, if this is just what is normal, they might not be aware of this.
If so, apart from their basic needs, most if not all of their other needs will seldom be met. To be specific, they can generally take care of their need to sleep, eat, and have the right clothing, for instance, but their need to be seen and heard, receive affection and relax, for instance, could generally be overlooked. Running on empty Thanks to this, they are likely to spend a lot of time feeling drained and they could have moments when they are well and truly exhausted. Naturally, not being fully there for themselves is going to take its toll on them. However, as they are not aware of the fact that they are neglecting themselves, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. Due to this, they could believe that they just suffer from depression. Missing Out In reality, what is going on for them will be there to let them know that they need to start paying attention to and meeting certain needs. Until this takes place, the messages are likely to get louder and louder. But, sooner or later, they might get to the point where they are unable to behave in this way. If this takes place, they might not have the desire nor the energy to ignore themselves. Overextended Anyway, as they are not fully there for themselves, it is likely to mean that they will spend a lot of time being there for others. This is likely to take place without them even thinking about it and be what feels comfortable. Therefore, although they will be neglecting themselves, they can be used to receiving a lot of positive feedback. The people in their life can give them a lot of support and make out that they are living in the right way as they are ‘selfless’. Out of Balance This is likely to show that these people don’t realise that they are neglecting themselves and some if not all of them might not even care. Ergo, some if not all of these people could be consumed by their own needs. In these relationships, they are going to be giving a lot while receiving very little. They could then be more like a parental figure than a friend. Drawing the Line If they were to end up coming to see that they are neglecting themselves, perhaps after they have hit rock bottom, they can come to the conclusion that they can no longer live in this way. Yet, if they were to reconnect to some of their denied needs and merely imagine changing their behaviour, they could feel guilty and ashamed and experience fear and anxiety. No longer neglecting themselves is going to be seen as something that is wrong and a threat to their survival. Something that should feel comfortable is then going to feel uncomfortable. A Strange Scenario At this stage, they can wonder why abandoning themselves is something that feels comfortable. Nonetheless, what is likely to shed light on what is going on is if they take a closer look at what took place during their formative years. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. As a result of this, they are likely to have often been ignored, rejected and perhaps abandoned. Out of reach Along with this, they might have often been ignored, criticised and humiliated when they expressed a need. Instead of their parent or parents generally being warm and empathetic, they would have generally been cold and unresponsive. And, as they were egocentric, it would have caused them to personalise what took place. They would have come to believe that their needs were bad and that they would only be accepted by hiding them. Self-Alienation To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have caused them to develop a disconnected and externally focused false self. Most likely, their parent or parents had also been deeply deprived during their formative years. Consequently, they would have looked like adults, but, deep down, they would have felt like needy children. Another Part As they were in an underdeveloped state, being around their child, who was needy, would have probably unconsciously reminded them of how needy their parent or parents were. The anger, rage and hate that they had to repress all those years ago would have risen up and been seen as being caused by their child. Moreover, their needy child would have probably reminded them, at an unconscious level, of the needy child inside them. To keep it together, they would have unconsciously done what they could to make sure that their child only had a few basic needs. Moving Forward With this in mind, their parent or parents deprived them as they had been deprived and were unable to face and deal with some of their inner wounds. This shows how what one generation doesn’t deal with is passed on to the next. For them to gradually change their life, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone has the right to be here and deserves to exist, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. They can have this sense that they don’t have the right to be here and to exist.
Along with this, they can feel deeply worthless and unlovable. If this is so, they are not going to be in a good way and their life could be one big struggle. Missing Pieces Ultimately, in order for them to live a life that is worth living, they will need to know that they have the right to be here and deserve to exist. Also, they will need to have a felt sense of their own worth and lovability. As they don’t have these elements in place, even if their life were to change, it might not be long until it goes back to how it was before. The reason for this is that they wouldn’t feel comfortable experiencing life differently. The Norm If they were to think about how long their life has been this way, they could see that it has been this way for as long as they can remember. Consequently, they could come to the conclusion that they were born this way. This will then just be what their life is like and there won’t be anything that they can do about it. But, even if this is what they believe, there is a chance that there is far more to it. A Closer Look Assuming that they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. However, if they were to think about this stage of their life, they might not be able to remember a great deal. What this will show is that that their brain has blocked out most if not all of what took place to protect them. They then won’t have just happened to forget about what their early years were like, this will be by design. Back In Time If they were able to go back in time, what they might soon find is that practically from the moment they were born, they were deprived of the love that they needed. So, they might have had a mother who was unable to attune to their needs and generally meet them. Due to this, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to attach to and develop a strong bond with her. This is something that would have greatly wounded them and stopped them from receiving what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. A Brutal Time Instead of this being a time, then, when they felt safe, supported, wanted and loved, it would have been a time when they felt unsafe, unsupportive, unwanted and unloved. The trouble is that as they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to do anything about what was going on. Therefore, they were unable to change their mother’s behaviour or to find a mother who could love them. The only thing that they could do was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs and create a disconnected false self. Another Part And, while this would have been a time when they suffered immensely, they would have formed a number of associations. This is because they were egocentric, which would have stopped them from being able to see that how they were treated wasn’t their fault. When it comes to the associations that they formed, this would have related to them not having the right or deserving to exist and being worthless and unlovable. The meaning that was made would have permeated their whole being and defined how they saw themselves. One Step Back This may be where this all began, or it can go back even further, and their system might have sensed that they were not wanted while they were in their mother’s womb. If so, the foundations would have been laid before they were even born. Their second environment, with their first environment being their mother’s womb, would have been a continuation of what it was like before. What happened would have compounded what had already happened. The Other Side At this point, part of them could wonder why they were rejected very early on, either in their mother’s womb and/or after they were born. They could struggle to understand why their own mother was so cold and perhaps cruel. But, as she won’t have loved and cherished them, it is to be expected this they would be this way. Nonetheless, as strange as this may be, it could start to make sense if they were able to go back in time and observe how she was treated as a child. Just As Brutal When she was in her mother’s womb, she may have also felt a deep sense of not being wanted. Either way, once she was born, her mother may have been emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to her needs. She would then have felt rejected and then been born into a world where she was rejected, or this would have been her first experience of being rejected. Not having her developmental needs consistently met would have greatly wounded her and stopped her from receiving what she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Self-Alienation To handle what was going on, she would have lost touch with her feelings and a number of her developmental needs. In place of her true self, then, would have been a disconnected false self. This would have caused her to become an unfeeling human being. The years would have passed and when the time came for her to become a mother, she wouldn’t have been in a position to be a mother as she was still a child herself and was too disconnected to be in tune with her feelings and maternal instincts. The Next Stage Having this understanding probably won’t transform their life but it can be a key part of what will allow them to gradually move forward. What they can keep in mind is that how they were treated had nothing to do with their right to exist and how deserving they are of being here or their worth and lovability, and, most likely, their mother had a very similar experience when she was a child. For whatever reason, she wouldn’t have been able to face and deal with any of her wounds and this is why she passed on what was done to her. Fortunately, they have been able to ‘wake up’ and can draw the line. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to look back at their early years, what might stand out is that this wasn’t a time when they were generally loved and cherished. Instead, they could see that this was a time when they were typically treated like they were nothing.
This can be how their mother and perhaps father, if he was around, treated them. Thanks to how they were treated throughout this key stage of their life, they could be in a bad way now that they are an adult. It’s not over Therefore, although this stage of their life will be well and truly over, they won’t have been able to truly move on. In fact, when it comes to how they often feel, it can be as though they are still a powerless and dependent child. So, what can be normal is for them to feel helpless, hopeless, worthless and unloved. As a result of this, they can often feel down and depressed, and they can have a very strong inner critic. A Bleak Existence Their life is then unlikely to be very unfulfilling and they might often question if they want to be alive. To make matters worse, they could have a soul-destroying job, and their relationships could be anything but loving and supportive. But, as they are not going to have a felt sense of their own worth and power, it is not going to be a surprise if they have a job like this. As for their relationships, not having a felt sense of their own worth and lovability will play a part as will not being comfortable with their own needs. At The Root Ultimately, as they were deprived of what they needed during their early years, they will be in an underdeveloped state. This is why they won’t have a felt sense of their own worth, power and lovability. It will also be why they don’t feel comfortable with their own needs and are unable to accept that they are an interdependent human being who needs others. Hiding their needs and trying to do just about everything by themselves can be the norm. Looking For an Answer After thinking about how they experience life now that they are an adult and how hard it is, they can wonder why they were treated in this way. Naturally, as it was their mother and perhaps father who mistreated them, they can want to know why they were treated like an intruder as opposed to their own flesh and blood. Along with this part of them, another part of them can believe that they deserved to be treated this way. According to this part of them, they can be inherently worthless and unlovable. The Truth However, what they can keep in mind is that this part of them is a consequence of the fact that they were egocentric at this stage of their life and personalised what took place. If this wasn’t the case, they would have been able to see that how they were being treated wasn’t their fault. The reason for this, and this is likely to have been why they were treated like an intruder, is that their mother and perhaps father were likely to have been in a bad way. They were then not loved because they were deeply flawed and unlovable; it was that their mother and perhaps father couldn’t love them. Going Deeper Assuming that it was their mother who was unable to love them, this can show that she was also deprived during her early years. This may have been a time when she was neglected and mistreated. What this would have done is stop her from going through each developmental stage. To handle what happened, she would have been forced to disconnect from her feelings and a number of her developmental needs and would have created a disconnected false self. Two Levels The years would have passed, but, beyond her physical appearance would have been a deeply wounded and underdeveloped child. Thus, when she had a child, she would have become a mother but she wouldn’t have been in a position to be a mother. This was a time when she needed to love her child, but, as she hadn’t received what she needed to grow out of this stage, she wouldn’t have had a great deal to give. Moreover, she is likely to have been repelled by her child’s needs. A Strong Reaction Naturally, if she had to be there for her own mother and perhaps father, the last thing she would have wanted was to be around a needy infant, toddler and then child. At a deeper level, this would have reminded her of how it was for her as a child and how frustrated, angry, enraged, helpless and hopeless she felt. Also, her child would have reminded her of the part of herself that was just as needy and desperately wanted to be loved. To keep her own pain at bay, she would have kept her distance and been indifferent to a number of her child’s needs. The Outcome To take one step back, this rejection and inability to be there for her child might have started when her child was in her womb. Before her child was even born, then, they would have sensed that they weren’t wanted or loved. Irrespective of whether it goes back this far, her child would have felt like a burden. It wouldn’t have been possible for her to connect to and bond with her mother and this would have deeply deprived and wounded her. Moving Forward What this emphasises is that it most likely didn’t start with them; their mother was also likely to have missed out on the love that she needed. This is something that probably goes back many, many generations. A big part of what will allow them to gradually change their life is for them to face and work through their pain and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Based on how someone typically behaves, it can be as though they are wearing a straight jacket and don’t have a voice. The reason for this is that it can be normal for them to go along with what others want and not to speak up when they need to.
They are then going to be an individual, who has their own feelings, needs and preferences, but, they will seldom act like one. Consequently, the life that they lead won’t be in alignment with who they really are. The Norm However, if this is just what is normal, they might not be consciously aware of what is going on. They are then going to live a life that is not very fulfilling but they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. This is not to say that they won’t ever feel angry and frustrated or depressed; no, what it means is that they won’t realise that they are generally not being and expressing themselves. Thus, the sooner they realise what is going on the better. A Closer Look So, when they are around friends or family, they are likely to be focused on their needs and doing what they can to please them. It is then not going to matter if they actually want to do something as they will follow their lead. Due to this, after they have spent time around others, they can often feel exhausted. But, as they will have gone against themselves, it is to be expected that they would respond in this way. Another Area If they are in a relationship, it might not be much different with this being yet another area of their life where they don’t truly show up. Instead of there being two people in the relationship, it can be as if they are merely an extension of their partner. They are then largely going to do what their partner wants, and, if they live together, their home might not, in any way, be an expression of what pleases them. Therefore, it could be as though they are living in someone else’s home. One More When it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something that is soul-destroying. This could be something that they have done for many, many years, too. In general, this could involve them doing something that is pretty mundane and doesn’t require a great deal of brain power. If it pays the bills, then, that will probably be about as far as it goes. Enough, is enough Deep down, there is likely to be a part of them that desperately wants to express who they are and live a life that is fulfilling. Thanks to this, they probably won’t live in this way until the end of their life. This part of them, as hidden as it will be, can end up causing them to have an experience that will wake them up. What can do this is a breakup, the loss of a job or losing a loved one. No More At this point, something that has perhaps been at the back of their mind for quite some time, the sense that they are not living in the right way, can burst through into their conscious awareness. If this was to take place, they could be filled with anger and no longer be willing to live in this way. Then again, they could feel deeply frustrated and confused and have a deep knowing that they need to change their life. Either way, they could wonder why their life is this way and what they can do to change it. A Deeper Look If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, there is a chance that their early years were a time when they were rarely seen and heard. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable. As a result of this, they would have missed out on the attunement that they needed and a number of their developmental needs would have seldom if ever been met. This would have caused them to experience a lot of pain and to be deeply deprived. Another Part Also, when they expressed themselves, they might have often been ignored, dismissed, criticised, rejected and/or abandoned. Expressing themselves would have often been a struggle and a threat to their survival. They would have been sent the message that if they expressed themselves, they wouldn’t be supported and they might even be left. To handle what was going on, they would have lost touch with their feelings and a number of their developmental needs. Self-Alienation Along with this, they would have created a disconnected false self. This would have involved them being focused on their parent or parents and doing what would please them. With this in mind, how they behave as an adult will be a continuation of how they had to behave as a child. This stage of their life will be over but a big part of them won’t know this, which is why they are unable to freely express themselves. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
During someone’s early years, they may have had a mother who wasn’t very warm and was often very cruel. She would then have been their mother but based on how she often behaved, it would have been as though she was their enemy.
Thanks to what they went through throughout this key stage of their life, they might not be in a good way now that they are an adult. In fact, it could be a challenge for them to keep it together and handle life. A Closer Look So, they could often feel down and depressed and experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. This can mean that they won’t have a life that is very fulfilling and will often feel overwhelmed. A big part of them could also struggle to accept that they deserve to be treated well and loved. Consequently, they might have been in a number of relationships where they were treated like dirt, and they may be with someone like this now. Two Sides But, although a big part of them can believe that they deserve to be treated badly, another part of them can wonder why they were treated in this way. Additionally, there can be another part of them that is full of anger, murderous rage and hate. Naturally, as this was a time when they were violated by their mother and perhaps their father, this is to be expected. Sadly, as it was their mother and perhaps their father who was mistreating them, they would have been forced to repress how they really felt and to tolerate being mistreated. One Step back When it comes to the part of them that believes that they deserve to be treated badly, this is likely to be a consequence of the fact that they were egocentric. How they were treated was then personalised and seen as a sign of how worthless and unlovable they were. Thanks to the level of development that they had at this stage of their life, it wasn’t possible for them to see that their mother and perhaps father were not in a good way. As for the part of them that wonders why they were treated in this way, this part of them will know that something wasn’t right and that they didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Stepping Back Understandably, as it was their own mother who deeply wounded them, it is not a surprise that they are unable to get their head around what happened. Their mother will have harmed her own flesh and blood, not once but repeatedly. What could enter their mind is that this is similar to a machine that has been programmed to perform a certain task and yet, does the complete opposite. Instead of creating things, it ends up destroying things. Going Deeper One way of looking at how she behaved would be to say that she was simply born this way; that’s all there is to it. There could be some truth to this but, what if there is far more to it? What if her developmental years played a big part in her inability to love and protect her own child? If they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for her during this time, it might soon start to make sense why she was so unfeeling. Back In Time At this stage of her life, she may have had a mother who was cold and cruel, and her father might not have been much different. This would have prevented her from receiving the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle the pain that she was in and what her mother and perhaps father were like, she would have been forced to disconnect from herself and reality. If this pain hadn’t been repressed and she had seen her mother and perhaps father for who they were, it would have been too much for her to handle and she is likely to have died. Self-Alienation The trouble is that while this would have allowed her to survive, it would have caused her to live on the surface of herself. As opposed to being an embodied human being who was in tune with her needs and feelings, she would have been estranged from her essence and her needs and feelings. The self that she created to handle what happened is also likely to have been an inflated false self. Beyond this self was then a deeply wounded and underdeveloped human being. The Next Stage Therefore, when she ended up having a child, she would have become a mother but she wouldn’t have been in a position to be a mother. She needed to be attuned to her child in order to be able to generally meet their needs, but, of course, as she was out of touch with her feelings, this wouldn’t have been possible. Consequently, her child would have had to adapt to her, which would have led to her child receiving misattuned care. In other words, her child would have been left when they needed attention and received attention when they needed to be left. Passed Down As the years passed, and her child went from an infant and toddler to a child, if she was physically and verbally abusive, this is likely to show that she was engaging in indirect revenge. Deep down, she would have seen her child as the mother and perhaps father who mistreated her and, as her child was not a threat to her, she would have felt safe enough to let her ‘dark side’ out. What this illustrates is that she was unconsciously projecting her mother and perhaps father onto her child and couldn’t see them clearly. So, even though she was mistreating her child, how she was behaving had absolutely nothing to do with them as she was unable to actually see them. The Fall Out Ultimately, as she hadn’t been nurtured when she was a child and became emotionally whole, she had very little to give emotionally. Furthermore, by being out of touch with her body, she would have been out of touch with her maternal instincts. Lastly, as she carried so much anger, rage and hate and she most likely lacked self-awareness and the ability to self-reflect, this was bound to be taken out on someone at some point. Her frontal cortex might have even been damaged; if so, this would explain her lack of empathy, emotional instability, and self-awareness, for instance. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was to take a step back and reflect on the feelings that they experience, what could soon stand out is that they often have moments when they feel as though something is missing. They will then look whole and complete but they will seldom feel whole and complete.
By having this understanding, they will be able to do something about what is going on. On the other hand, if this was not something that they were consciously aware of, this wouldn’t be seen as something that is possible. Another Reality Alternatively, they could be in a position where they are not consciously aware of how they feel. But, even though they won’t be aware of what is going on for them, what is going on for them will still have a big impact on their life. What this shows is that in addition to their conscious sense of themselves, there is another part of them. This other part of them, often described as their unconscious mind, is bigger and far more impactful than their conscious mind. A container This part of them will contain pain, unmet developmental needs, adult needs, and rejected parts of themselves, among other things. So, the sense of emptiness that they carry will be held in this part of them. From here, it will give them the need to behave in ways and attain things that will hopefully allow them to feel different. But, as they are being driven by a need that they are not consciously aware of, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. The Outcome Consequently, if they were to think about why they behave in a certain way or want a certain thing, they are going to come up with a reason or a number of reasons that don’t reflect what is really driving them. For example, they could spend a lot of time eating and say that this is just because they have a big appetite. Or, they could spend a lot of time buying things and say that this is because they enjoy shopping. In truth, eating or buying something will be a way for them to try to fill the emotional hole that is inside them. Another Example Along with this, they could more or less always be in a relationship, with them going from one person to another and not allowing themselves to be alone. Once again, they could justify this by saying that they prefer to be with someone. The main issue that they could have with the people that they have been with is that they were not right for them. It can be as if this person was not giving them what they needed. A Temporary Solution Regardless of what they do to try to change how they feel they are likely to end up feeling frustrated and deprived. Ultimately, a thing or person ‘out there’ won’t be able to fill the hole inside them. The only thing a thing or a person will do is allow them to suppress what is going on for them for a short while. And, after it becomes clear that a thing or a person won’t be able to provide them with what they need, they can become frustrated and feel deflated. A Different Scenario Or, they could soon do something else, which will allow them to keep how they feel at bay. This can happen without them even needing to think about it. However, there could come a time when they no longer have the desire or energy to behave in this way. It is at this point that they can take a step back and look deeper into why they are behaving in this way. Back In Time What could soon stand out is that they feel empty and that they have been unknowingly trying to change this for most if not all of their life. After this, they could wonder why they feel this way. There is a strong chance that they were deprived of the love that they needed during their early years, which would have stopped them from being able to grow and develop. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable. Two Types As a result of this, they would have had a physical birth but they wouldn’t have had an emotional birth. For this to have taken place and for them to have developed a strong sense of self, they needed to have an attuned parent who could generally meet their needs. As this didn’t occur, this would have been a time when they were often ignored, rejected and abandoned. This would have deeply wounded them, but, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they were unable to change what was going on or to find another family. One Option The only thing that they could do was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs and adapt to what was going on. This would have involved them developing a disconnected false self and doing what their parent wanted. Their conscious mind would have gradually forgotten about what took place and the impact that it had on them to allow them to keep it together and function but their repressed pain and unmet development needs will have continued to influence how they experienced life. A big part of what will allow them to change their life will be for them to face and work through the pain they had to repress. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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