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Although someone may want to form deeper connections with others and to even have an intimate relationship, this might not have been possible. When it comes to the former, they may have only been able to get so close to people, and, when it comes to the latter, it might not be any better.
If they were to think about what is going on, they could end up feeling helpless and hopeless. What is taking place can then be seen as something that is totally out of their control, which can mean that they will end up feeling down and even depressed. The Right Things This is not to say that, up until this point, they will have simply sat around and hoped that their life would change, though. For a number of years, they may have put in a lot of effort to change this area of their life. However, while they will have done a lot, they won’t have been able to get very far. In fact, what they may see is that all this effort has just caused them to feel even more frustrated and angry. Another Scenario Conversely, one may have found that they have been able to get close to others but, when this happens, they don’t feel comfortable. Instead of feeling happy about being closer to another, they feel the need to back away. This could be something that baffles them and will have most likely prevented them from being able to move forward in this area of their life. They could believe that there is no reason why they should feel this way around others. The Same Position If someone is tying to get close to others and they haven’t had the aforementioned experience, it might only be a matter of time until they do. It could just be that they haven’t got to this point yet. Before long, then, they could find that they also feel uncomfortable experiencing the very thing that they desire. Therefore, as opposed to saying that these are two experiences, it might be more accurate to say that they are simply two different stages that one will go through. A Cold Existence When someone doesn’t feel comfortable getting close to others, they are likely to spend a fair amount of time feeling lonely. This can be a time when they will feel disconnected from everyone and everything. If they don’t feel this way, it could show that they have simply disconnected from their feelings/body. They can feel numb during this time but, before long, they could consume something, for instance, artificially changing their mood and temporarily bringing themselves to life in the process. Something Isn’t Right Now, as they are an interdependent human being and need others, it could be said that it is strange that they have the need to keep people at a distance. What should feel comfortable if being close to the right people - people who they feel safe with, have similar values and value, for example. As a result of this, one could believe that there must be something inherently wrong with them or they wouldn’t have this problem. What could come to mind at this point is that they have a ‘fear of intimacy’ and even a fear of people Diving Down If they do come to this conclusion, their conditioned mind could believe that both of these fears are irrational and that they just need to push themselves. These labels may fit but, at the end of the day, they are simply labels – labels that can be a starting point to looking deeper and gaining more self-knowledge or something that can prevent this from taking place. What needs to be looked into is why one wouldn’t feel comfortable with being close to others; something that is a vital part of their ability to survive and thrive. There is a strong chance that something happened to them at the beginning of their life and their conscious mind has forgotten all about this. Way Back During their formative years, they may have been abused and/or neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Said another way, this would have a period of their life when they were routinely violated. As they were boundary-less and unable to defend themselves, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. The only thing that they could do was to disconnect from themselves and, thereby, to no longer be aware of what was taking place. The Foundations Were Laid In addition to this, their mind would have formed a number of associations to keep them alive. One can be that other people are a threat to their survival and another can be that they need to keep them at a distance to survive. The years would have passed but their whole being will be loaded up with trauma and it won’t want them to get close to anyone. It won’t matter that this stage of their life is over or that not everyone is the same as a big part of them will be stuck in the past and, consequently, will perceive life in the same way. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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When someone is in touch with their emotional self around others, it will allow them to feel connected to them and to fully embrace the moment. Being this way will also allow them to develop deeper relationships with others.
So, whether it relates to a friend or an intimate partner, one will be able to feel deeply connected to them and to express how they feel. Expressing their feelings will play an important part in the other person not only feeling close to them but also knowing where they stand. An Essential Ability What this illustrates is just how important it is for someone to be in touch with how they feel around others and to express what is going on for them. This will stop them from feeling disconnected from others and to experience the relational depth that they need in order to thrive. Ultimately, they, along with every other human being on this planet, are not independent; they are an interdependent human being who needs others. Even so, it could be said that the modern-day world obscures this truth. A Different Experience However, while having this connection around others is essential, someone may find that this is not something that they can relate to. Instead, what they could typically find is that they lose touch with their emotional self around others. As a result of this, they won’t feel connected to them and they certainly won’t know how they feel, let alone be able to express how they feel. If they do have close friends, they might not feel very close to these people. Another Area The connection that they have with them could primarily be an intellectual connection and/or they could just have known these people for a long time. It is then going to be ideas and/or their history that keeps them together. If they have an intimate partner, they are unlikely to feel very close to them and this person might wonder where they stand with them. This person won’t have ones emotional expression and feedback with which to form conclusions. A Strange Scenario When they are in their own company, they may find that they are able to connect to how they feel. This is not to say that they will necessarily go from one extreme to the other, it could just be that they won’t be completely shut down. After thinking about what they are like when they are by themselves and what they are generally like around others, they could struggle to understand what is going on. This could appear to be something that just happens and therefore, there is nothing that they can do about it. Two Levels What needs to be acknowledged at this point is that one has both a conscious and an unconscious mind. Thus, if they don’t understand why something is taking place, they will need to connect to their second, more powerful mind. Through doing this, they will be able to understand why they have the tendency to shut down when they are around others. Having said this, thanks to the differences defences and armouring that they are likely to have in place, it is unlikely that they will be able to do this directly. An Indirect Approach To understand what is taking place inside them, they will need to look for answers in the external world. The information ‘out there’ will help to shine the light on why their life is the way that it is. What they may find, by taking this approach, is that the reason they lose touch with their emotional self around others is that they don’t feel safe. Disconnecting from their body and going into their head will be a way for them to protect themselves. The Imprint At a conscious level, they might find it strange that this takes place; as far as they are concerned, there could be no need for them to behave in this way. Nonetheless, at a deeper level, getting close to others could be associated as something that is a threat to their very survival. What this may show is that they were abused and/or neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis during their early years. This would have been a time when their survival was under threat whenever their parents were around. The Foundations Were Laid At this stage of their life, they wouldn’t have been able to fight back or to run away, they would have only been able to disconnect from themselves. This wouldn’t have allowed them to stop what was taking place but it would have allowed them to no longer be aware of what was taking place. Along with this, they would have come to associate getting close to their caregivers as something that would cause them to be overwhelmed and annihilated. What happened in relation to these people would then have been generalised to every other person. The Body Remembers Their mind wouldn’t have been developed enough to see that not everyone was the same and that they could be in their body and connect to how they feel around certain people. Also, due to how much trauma they experienced, it would have been too painful for them to be in their body and connected to how they feel. The years would have passed and their conscious mind would have forgotten all about what took place. Yet, although this part of them lost touch with what took place, their unconscious mind/body won’t have forgotten. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are some people who typically come across as weak, powerless and incapable, and then there are those who typically come across as strong, powerful and capable. The former can look towards the latter to save them, and the latter can do what they can to save the former.
This dynamic is often played out on the world stage too, with world leaders seeing themselves as people who need to save their own citizens and the citizens of the world. The former will be all-powerful and the latter will be totally helpless. Back To the Individual So, when someone comes across as strong, powerful and capable, a lot of their time can be spent trying to sort other people’s problems out. Most, if not, all of their friends can be people who find it hard to handle life. Fortunately for these people, then, they will have someone in their life who can help them to handle their problems. They could be extremely grateful that they have someone like this in their life. Two Experiences However, this doesn’t mean that having someone like this in their life won’t rub them up the wrong way, so to speak, from time to time. At times, these people could find that one crosses their boundaries and tries to do too much. In other words, they will be moments when they are more like a parent than a friend or a family member, for instance, and this may mean that part of them resents them. Still, they could do their best to keep this hidden from this person and themselves. Out of Balance As one spends a lot of time being there for others in this way, it could mean that at least one area of their life is not going very well. Even so, they could do what they can to make sure that they are not affected by it. They will generally be seen as someone who is strong and this will be the image that they will do their best to project. It could seem as though they are inherently different and that they were born to take care of those who can’t take care of themselves. Bathing in Approval Now, while one is likely to neglect at least one area of their life and to experience pain as a result, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Thanks to all the positive feedback that they are likely to receive, they may be able to stop themselves from acknowledging what is actually going on. What is going on around them can stop them from becoming aware of what needs to be faced, thereby allowing them to behave in the same way. There could come a point in time, though, when it is no longer possible for them to do this. Caught Up It could be a number of years before this takes place and they may need to go through a breakup or a loss to change their behaviour. Until this point, there can be no reason for them to take a step back and to reflect on their behaviour. Currently, they will be too caught up in what’s going one externally and receive too much approval to do this. This is why something extreme may need to happen to shake them up. A Bystander If it was put forward to them that the person who they really need to save is themselves, it might not have much of an effect on them. They could say there is nothing wrong with them and that it’s other people who need to be saved. What this is likely to illustrate is that they see themselves as just an observer of what is going on ‘out there’, which is why what is going around them won’t have much to do with them. They will just happen to come into contact with people who need to be saved and this can be seen as a consequence of how capable they are. On A Mission If they are religious or spiritual, they could even believe that these people are sent to them so that they can help them. One will have a special purpose, one that involves them being here to help those who can’t help themselves. Nonetheless, if this is put to one side and one was to reflect on the fact that they are not merely an observer of what is going on ‘out there’, it will give them the chance to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on. This will be a time when they will need to put the identities that their mind has created to one side; if they don’t, they will be held back. Going Deeper If they were to go deep within themselves, they may find that trying to save/rescue others is an indirect way for them to try to save themselves. These people will be a reflection of the wounded parts of themselves that they have pushed out of their conscious awareness. It is then not that they need to save these people; it is that they need to heal the wounded parts of themselves that have caused them to co-create this experience. Therefore, what is going on ‘out there’ will be mirroring back what is going on within them. Awareness What this emphasises is that one is not merely an observer of their reality; they are both the co-creator and the observer of their life. Once this understating is in place, one will see that if they develop a certain identity their life will have to reflect this identity. Subsequently, if they see themselves as someone who is here to rescue/save others that will be their experience. A key point here is that their life is not just a reflection of what is taking place in their conscious mind; it is also a reflection of what is taking place in their unconscious mind.
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Oliver JR Cooper
When someone is in a relationship, the ideal will be for them to be in touch with who they are and to express their true-self. By being this way, being close to another person will have changed them, but it won’t have caused them to abandon themselves.
Therefore, when they are around the people who they are close to, it won’t be as though they have become someone else entirely. These people may notice a few differences if they are perceptive, yet that could be about as far as it will go. A Healthy Position As they are in tune with who they are, they will be able to act as an individual as opposed to an extension of their partner. This will mean that they themselves won’t always agree with everything their partner says and that there will be conflict from time to time. In the eyes of some people, this could be seen as a bad thing. The reason for this is that someone like this could be in a relationship where they never argue and they rarely, if ever, have any disagreements. A Defence What this is likely to show is that one or both of them have a fear of conflict, which is why there appears to be harmony in their relationship. Ergo, what is going on is likely to be nothing more than a facade. Under the image that they present to others and how they see things is likely to be a lot of baggage. There can be a lot of anger and resentment, and before long, some of this material could end up breaking through and causing a lot of problems. Another Part When there is conflict, the key will be for one to open up to their partner in a respectful manner. Not to blame or to point the finger at them, but to simply express what is on their mind. Although this won’t always be comfortable, it will be an important part of what allows one to stay connected to who they are and to maintain their individuality. Expressing themselves will also make it easier for them to stay connected to the relationship and for it to grow and develop. Two Parts As they are connected to their needs and feelings and express who they are, it will show that they value and respect themselves. What it will also show is that behaving in this way feels safe. It is through having these two components in place that they will be able to ‘be themselves’ in a relationship. Maybe, these two components have more or less always been in place. Another Reality While being this way can be seen as the ideal as it will allow someone to actually show up in a relationship, there are going to be plenty of people who don’t experience life in this way. When someone is in this position, what can be normal is for them to lose themselves when they are in a relationship. As a result of this, they will end up disconnecting from their needs and feelings and they won’t express who they are. They will be physically separate from their partner but that will be about as far as it will go. A Natural Process This doesn’t mean that they will say to themselves, ‘right, now that I’m with someone, I will lose myself and become someone else.’ No, this is likely to be something that takes place unconsciously and thus, without them even realising what is taking place. Doing what their partner wants and what they think they want will be their priority, along with going along with whatever they say. Undoubtedly, they will have a well-developed ability to tune into their partner's reality and to merge with them. Out of sight This is something that can take place without their partner even being aware of what is going on. It would be easy to say that this must show that their partner is not very perceptive, but what it can also show is how good one is at deceiving others. They can do this by making out that they are fine with what is going on and how things are progressing. The information inside them, their true needs and feelings, will be hidden from their partner and themselves. What’s going on? If this is indeed how someone behaves at the beginning and during a relationship, it is likely to come down to the fact that this is simply what feels safe. Losing themselves is going to cause them problems but, at a deeper level, it will be seen as what they have to do in order to survive. This could be hard to believe, especially if it is seen through the eyes of a fully grown adult. What this may illustrate is that their early years were very traumatic and even though many years will have passed, they won’t have truly moved on from that stage of their life. A Closer Look Perhaps this was a time in their life when they were abused and neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Due to this, it wouldn’t have been safe enough for them to be in their body and as a consequence, to be connected to their needs and feelings. Instead, they would have had to disconnect from their body and to live in their head. Not only would being in their body be too painful, but being in their head would have enabled them to be hyper-aware of what was going on around them and to tune into their caregivers needs; both of these things would have been a way for them to minimize the pain that they experienced. Awareness The love, care and nurturance that they needed to be able to develop in the right way wouldn’t have been provided. They would have been traumatised into living in a disembodied state and their energetic boundaries wouldn’t have formed. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Intimacy: Can It Take A Relationship For Someone To Realise They Are Emotionally Disconnected?10/10/2020
Now that someone is in a relationship, it could be crystal clear that it is hard for them to connect to how they feel. Up until this point, it might not have even occurred to them that this was the case.
Or, if they were aware that this was a challenge for them, it might not have stood out in the same way. As a result of this, this might not have been something that absorbed too much of their attention. A Different Experience As they were not in a relationship at this point, they might not have needed to be in tune with their feelings. When it came to their job and spending time with their friends, for instance, they might have needed to be any other way. Thus, their way of being wouldn’t have caused them any difficulties or given them the need to change themselves. So, even if they did think ahead at the beginning of the relationship, there wouldn’t have been a reason for them to be concerned about how they are. Ready to Go At the start of the relationship, they may have believed that they were ready to go down this path. However, as time passed, their belief in their own readiness may have started to diminish. Alternatively, they may have just wondered what was going on; finding it hard to understand why they are this way. Either way, this area of their life is going to be far harder than it needs to be. Held Back When it comes to their partner, they could have a strong mental and physical connection with them, but the other part of their being, their heart, won’t be fully on board. This doesn’t mean that they won’t feel anything towards them; it is likely to mean that this part of them won’t always be online, so to speak. Moreover, they may find that it is often easier for them to feel things for their partner when they are not in their company. Being this way might not have caused too many problems earlier on, but as time passed, this may have started to have a negative effect on the relationship. Inner Blocks For one thing, not having a good connection with themselves will prevent them from fully being in the relationship. What this will do is make it hard for the relationship to progress. Further, not having a strong emotional connection to their partner could create uncertainty in them too and this could cause them to hold back. The part of them that would lock them in, their heart, will rarely be there to guide and support them. Conflict There is then going to be the impact that their behaviour has on their partner. Their partner could believe that one is not really into them and question if the relationship will last. The reason for this is that they won’t be receiving the emotional feedback that they need. One is then not going to need to do anything wrong or bad, as they will indirectly be sending out a strong message. A State Of Confusion After thinking about what is going on and their inability to stay connected to how they feel, they may often be angry and confused. They can be angry about what is going on and confused about why they are this way. It could go even further, though, and one could start to criticise themselves and end up feeling very low. If this takes place, it will be important for them to reflect on the fact that they are not consciously choosing to be this way. Protection Although being this way is causing them, and their partner, problems, it is likely to be what feels safe. In other words, being in tune with their emotional self, and expressing how they feel, will be seen as a threat to their very survival. This may illustrate that something traumatic has happened in their adult life or it could go back to what happened during their earlier years. If it goes back to their early years, it could show that they were abused and/or neglected. Divided To handle the pain that they were in, they would have had to disconnect from their emotional self. Losing touch with this part of them would have also meant that they lost touch with their body. One would have gone from being connected to themselves, to living on the surface of themselves. Now that they are an adult, their body will be in frozen, seized up state, which will prevent them from being able to operate as a whole human being. Moving Forward With this in mind, there are going to be a number of things that they will need to do to change their life. They will need to look into and change what they believe will happen if they were to connect to their feelings and if they were to express them. Another important part of this process will be for them to work through the pain that is held in their body, so that they can become a more integrated human being. By working through this pain, it will make it easier for them to handle how they feel and to stay connected to their body. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are people out there that are in an open relationship and then there are people out there that aren’t. When it comes to a relationship that is monogamous, it could be said that there will only be two people involved.
Unlike the other type of relationship, each person will only need to think about one other person. If they were not in this type of relationship, they would both have far more people to think about. A Very Different Dynamic Each person would have an attachment to the other and they would both have an attachment to other people. Due to what is going on, a lot of their time could be spent on this area of their life. Conversely, both of them might not have a strong emotional connection to each other or to the other people in their life. Thus, while both of them will share their bodies with each other and others, not much else will be shared. On The Surface However, although each of their relationships won’t have much depth, they are still going to require a lot of their time and energy. As a result of this, they could both get to the point where they are no longer interested in experiencing life in this way and want more depth. What started off as fun at the beginning could now be seen as something that is tiresome. After coming to this conclusion, they may believe that it would be better to just be with each other or one other person. A Different Experience When it comes to this type of relationship, someone is only going to have to be there for one other person. In this type of relationship, more of them may have to show up and there could be far more growth involved than there would be otherwise. Undoubtedly, having an open relationship will bring challenges but a lot of these challenges are likely to be different to the ones that arise in a monogamous relationship. One reason for this is that through forming a deeper connection with one person as opposed to a more surface-level connection with a number of people, different inner wounds are likely to come to the surface. An Analogy One way of looking at the difference would be to compare short distance running with long distance running. Being able to run for a short distance will take a certain type of fitness, while being able to run for a long-distance will take another. In both cases, there will be challenges, but the latter will take more strength and energy than the former. Ergo, to go further will require one to dig deeper and to face pain that they wouldn’t have had to face. A Half-Truth Now, while they will only be with one person, it doesn’t mean that there will only be two of them in the relationship. The reason for this is that they are both going to have an inner child. One's inner child, along with the other person’s inner child, is often going to have an impact on how they behave. Having this understanding will allow one to be more understanding and for their partner to be the same. For Example As the relationship grows and develops, inner wounds are going to be triggered and this can cause both of them to behave in ways that are out of character. During this time, their inner child will take over and their adult self will go offline. If one has this understanding, it will be a lot easier for them to understand what is going on when this does happen and to not take it personally. The same will apply to one's partner when ones inner child takes over. The Alternative If one doesn’t have this understanding, they can get caught up in what happens when their partner's inner child takes over and this will make it hard for them differentiate their wounded child self from their adult self. Further, it will be more difficult for them to empathise with their partner and to be compassionate. Ultimately, this part themselves can simply take over, so it won’t be as though their partner is consciously choosing to behave in a way that is destructive or harmful, for instance. It will be important for them to keep in mind that they themselves will also have moments like this and they are likely to appreciate having partner who can see beyond what is going on. The Other Element Being aware that they have an inner child that will sometimes take over is one part; the other part will be for them to take responsibility for what happens. Being aware of what is going on and taking the steps to heal what has been triggered will allow them to resolve what is going on and for their relationship to progress. If one, or their partner, doesn’t have the awareness or take the steps to resolve what has been triggered, it is going to be a lot harder for the relationship to progress. Over time, it could cause their partner, or them, to emotionally or physically leave the relationship. Awareness If one can relate to this and they need additional support, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It is one thing for someone to be in a relationship and it is another thing altogether for their emotional self to also be involved. The former involves one being with another person, the latter involves them opening up and actually being emotionally connected to them.
Taking this into account, just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that every part of their being will be involved. It could be seen as the difference between one just putting their hand in the sea and getting their whole body wet. A Big Difference If someone only shares their body with another person and not their heart, it is not going to be a relationship that has much depth. They can talk about what they have been doing and even express certain feelings, but it will be missing an essential component. However, while this will be so, the experiences that they have shared with their partner and the times that they have spent with them may have caused them to form an attachment to them. It probably won’t be an attachment that is unpinned by love, one that they feel strongly in their heart, but it will be there nevertheless. Totally Unaware What is taking place might not stand out for them, though, and this is because it could be what is normal. Only having certain parts of their being in a relationship could be what has taken place for a very long time. Their relationship is then going to lack real depth, yet they are not going to feel as though anything is lacking. When it comes to their friendships, these might not have much depth either. Business as Usual As time goes by, their partner could get to the point where what one is providing is not enough. They might have been more open-hearted at the beginning and/or have become more open-hearted as time has passed. One might be happy for things to carry on as they are though, thanks to them not being in touch with their need to form a deeper connection. The relationship as it is might be fine in their eyes. Resistance If one was to think about changing the relationship and even getting closer to their partner, they could soon start to experience inner tension. They might believe, at this point, that their partner wants too much and is needy. It is then not that they themselves are emotionally shut down and are the ones who need to open up; it is that their partner has issues that need to be sorted. If one was to dig deep, they may find that the thought of getting emotionally close to their partner causes them to feel trapped and smothered. Divine Intervention For this relationship to move to the next stage of its evolution, it will be essential for one to realise that they have some emotional work to do. If this doesn’t take place, their partner will have to compromise themselves or to tolerate something that is not truly serving them. If their relationship is to work out, one will need to become aware of what is going on and to work through the baggage that arises. This can end up being a time when they will learn a lot about themselves and why they are the way that they are. Diving Deep Firstly, one will need to look into why they are emotionally shut down and why they struggle to give and to receive love. Secondly, they will need to look into why they would see their partner as wanting too much and being needy simply for expressing their desire for more depth. When it comes to the first challenge, it is likely to show that they have had a least one experience that has been too much for them to handle. To handle what took place, they would have ended up disconnecting from their body and shutting down emotionally. A Traumatised State Regardless of whether this took place a number of years ago or a number of decades ago, for instance, it will continue to have an effect on their being and how they respond to life. If they were to reflect on what took place during their early years, they may find that this was a challenging time in their life. Perhaps this was a time when they didn’t receive the love and care that they needed to develop in the right way. This may have been a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect, and one of their caregivers, due to a lack of boundaries, may have got too close to them. The Other Part If this is so, it will make sense as to why they perceive their partner as wanting too much and they feel trapped at the thought of getting emotionally close to them. What this will illustrate is that how they felt in the company of their caregiver who got to close is being brought to the surface by their partner. When this pain is triggered, one will then unconsciously see their caregiver in the same way as they saw their caregiver all those years ago. The outcome of all this is one won’t be able to be present and to see their partner for who they are. Drawing the Line If they do become aware of what is going on, they will be able to deal with what doesn’t belong to their partner. One way of looking at this would be to say that this will be a time when one will be emotionally separating from their caregiver/s, leaving behind what no longer serves them. They might not longer live with their caregivers, and these people might not even be alive, but emotionally, they will still be strongly attached to them. This process won’t happen overnight and this is why it will take patience and persistence. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When it comes to how someone perceives another person and the experiences that they have with them, it might not seem as though they are having much of an effect. One is then just aware of what this person is like and when they spend time with them, they won’t be playing a part, either.
Therefore, one is just going to be an observer in both cases, which means that they won’t have much control. If they have a good view of another person and they generally get on with them, this won’t be an issue. Another Scenario On the other hand, if their view of another person is not particularly great and their experiences with them are not much better, they won’t be able to turn a blind eye to this person. If this is someone who they work with, they are going to see them on just about every day of the week. There can be what takes place when they are around this person and what goes through their mind about them when they are not. At the very least, this person is going to take a lot of their energy. Back In Time If they were to reflect on how they saw this person and the experiences that they had with them when they first came into contact with them, they may find that their view and the experiences that they had with them were different. Thus, over time this would have gradually changed. Also, there could be a number of other people where they work that don’t have an issue with this person. As a result of this, these people might wonder why, that’s if they know, one is not the same. A Different Experience However, if one can’t relate to this, what they may find is that the above scenario has played out in a relationship that they are in. Furthermore, it may have taken place in a number of other relationships that they have had. In the beginning, then, they may have had one view of the person and had certain experiences with them, and, as time has passed, this will have gradually changed. Thanks to this, it could seem as though the other person has completely changed. Two Extremes The other person will have been one way earlier on and now they will be totally different. What this could mean is that one may have seen the other as having emotional control and now they see them as having anger problems. Or, they could have seen them as someone who was fairly easy going and now they could see them as being controlling. Regardless of what is going on for them, it won’t be the same as it was. An Important Question Now, although one may believe that they are just an observer and are not playing a part in what is going on, what if there is more to it? What if this relationship, along with others, is simply mirroring back what they need to resolve inside themselves? If this is so, it would mean that they are not merely an observer of their reality; they are both the observer and the creator of it. Nonetheless, in order for them to realise what is going on, they will naturally need to take a deeper look into how their mind works. Back In Time Deep inside them, they are likely to have a number of inner wounds, and most, if not all, of these wounds, are likely to be the result of what took place during their early years. As time passed, though, their conscious mind would have ended up losing touch with most of them. But, while these wounds will be a mystery to their conscious mind, they will still be in their unconscious mind. And as they are there, it means that they will play a part in who they are drawn to and what they ‘see’ in the people who they do end up with. A Blank Screen So even though a lot of the wounds that are inside them are likely to relate to what their parent/s did or didn’t do, they are going to be projected into other people. For example, it won’t be that one is angry at their parent but can’t acknowledge this or that one parent lacked boundaries and they haven’t dealt with feeling violated; it will be that another person has anger problems or lacks boundaries. It would be easy to see projection as being something that is bad or negative, but this would miss the point entirely. Due to the nature of the mind and how it will do what it can to avoid pain, it means that, in general, what is taking place internally can’t be known directly. Self-Knowledge Defences mechanisms, such as projection, are then what will allow one to become aware of what is taking place inside them. Yet, if they are demonised or there is not even an awareness of them, this won’t take place. The key will for one to reflect on the fact that they are not just an observer of their life and that what shows up is a reflection of what is going on in both their conscious and unconscious mind. To do this can require a certain amount of ego strength, or one can just feel like a victim and blame themselves or they can become defensive and blame others. Awareness If one can see that they have been projecting their issues into others, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are those that feel comfortable in their own company and in the company of others, and there are those that don’t. When it comes to the former, it is likely to show that someone has a strong sense of self.
Due to how developed they are, they won’t feel empty when they are by themselves and they won’t lose themselves when they are around others. One way of looking at this would be to say that they will have the best of both worlds. One Option When they are in their own company, they will have the opportunity to connect to what is taking place inside them. So, in addition, to being able to reflect on what has been going on in their life, they will be able to connect to their needs and feelings. If this didn’t take place and they were always around others, they would probably lose touch with who they are and their true essence. It wouldn’t matter how strong their sense of self was as, over time, what is going on around them would still have an impact on them. Another Option When they are in their own company, they will be able to connect deeply to others. What they receive when they are around others will be things that they are unable to receive when they are by themselves. In other words, they will be an interdependent human being, not an independent human being. If they could give themselves everything that they needed, they wouldn’t need others. A Different Reality Therefore, if someone spends most of their time around others, it could mean that they won’t have a good connection with themselves. Most, if not all, of their life, might not reflect who they really are. But, if they have a strong need to avoid spending time by themselves, this might not be something that crosses their mind. In a way, this will be a compromise that they are happy to make, albeit unconsciously. The Other Extreme On the other hand, if someone spends most of their time by themselves, they may have a good connection with themselves. Nonetheless, what they will miss out on will be the benefits of human connection. This could be how they have consciously chosen to behave, or they could be far more to it. Thanks to what takes place when they do spend time around others, they may just feel more comfortable in their own company. Past Experiences If they used to spend more time around others, they may often felt restricted and found it hard to maintain their sense of self. The way for them to deal with this would have been to only spend a small amount of time around others. Even if this was the case, their need to connect to others could still cause them to extend themselves to others at certain times. When this does happen, it might not be long until they feel the need to retract once more. Stepping Back If they were to take a step back and to reflect on what takes place when they are around others, they may find that they feel smothered and trapped. They may even find that it is often hard for them to breathe. As they are a human being and these people are also human beings, it might be hard for them to understand why they feel this way. They may have felt this way if they have been in an intimate relationship too. Confusion Not only would this have confused them, it would have most likely also confused the person they were with. Simply being with this person may have caused them to feel smothered and trapped, without them needing to do anything in particular. Consciously, what is taking place will be a mystery to them and those they have crossed paths with. However, if they were able to remember what took place during their early years, how they experience life as an adult could start to make sense. Way Back At the start of their life, they would have been defenceless; they wouldn’t have been able to protect themselves. This is why they would have needed caregivers who were in tune with them. But, although this is what they needed in order to develop in the right way and to develop boundaries, they may have had at least one caregiver who was emotionally shut down and thus, wasn’t able to respond to their needs. The outcome of this is that one may have been smothered on a regular basis, causing them to feel trapped. The Body Remembers If this wasn’t the first time that they felt this way, it could mean that it relates to what took place during their birth or whilst they were in their mother’s womb. Irrespective of when they first felt this way, though, it would have been when their brain wasn’t very developed. This would have stopped them from being able to form memories of what was taking place. The years would have passed, and what took place will be in the past, but the effects of what took place will have stayed inside them. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Nowadays, it is not uncommon for the term ‘fear of intimacy’ to be thrown around. In general, it is more likely that someone will use this term to describe another person than to describe themselves.
One reason for this is that it is usually easier for someone to spot this in other than it is for them to spot it in themselves. This comes down to the fact that they will have a mind that causes them to see themselves as merely an observer of their life, as opposed to a co-creator of it. A Hurdle As a result of this, someone can endlessly attract people that are not emotionally available and not take a step back to see if they are playing a part in what is going on. These people will be at fault, with them having no control over what is playing out. There may be times when this allows them to feel better, and even more evolved, than these people, but it is likely to cause them to feel totally powerless when it comes to this area of their life. For them to change their life, it will be essential for them to take a step back and to see what part they are playing in what is going on. The Meaning Anyway, when this term is used, it is going to mean that someone fears getting emotionally close to another person. Therefore, while they will be able to share both their mind and their body with another human being, that will be about as far as it will go. Opening their heart and emotionally connecting to another person (forming an emotional bond with them) will be a challenge. They might not be able to do this or, if it does happen, they could soon end up shutting down (even more) and/or pulling away. One Experience Now, if someone does respond in this way when they get close to another, it doesn’t mean that they are aware of what is going on. If this happens, then, they could believe that the other person is overly needy and smothering or that they are just not into the other person. So, if they have had this experience take place on a number of occasions, they could believe that people are too needy or that they are not made to have relationships that are too deep. In both cases, it will show that they lack self-knowledge and, as things stand, they won’t have the self-awareness to attain it. Another Experience For someone else, someone who wants to have a deeper relationship with another person, they could struggle to understand why they end up shutting down and/or feel the need to get away. They might also find that it is hard to emotionally connect to them from the outset. If they were to look into what is going on, they could come to the conclusion that they have a fear of intimacy and they might even believe that there is something wrong with their ability to emotionally connect to another person. After this, they could look into what they can do to let go of this fear of intimacy. Going Deeper This could just be a fear that they can let go of by changing their thinking and questioning what they believe, for instance. Then again, simply changing what is taking place in their mind (up top) might not be suffice. The reason for this is that what is taking place in their body (down below) could be playing a big part in how they currently experience life. Said another way, there is a strong chance that they are carrying trauma. Connecting the Dots If they are unable to remember a time in their life when they felt overwhelmed and as though they had no control, it could show that they experienced trauma very early on. Not being able to remember what took place will be due to at least two reasons. Firstly, they may have been too young to remember it and, secondly, their mind may have blocked out what took place in order to protect them. And, how they feel could even relate to how they felt whilst there were in their mother’s womb – as outlandish as this may sound. A Closer Look If they experienced early trauma, it may show that they had at least one caregiver who was unable to provide them with the attunement that they needed whilst they were a baby. Consequently, they may have regularly felt smothered and trapped by their attention and as though they were going to be annihilated (to die). Consequently, or along with this, they may have also experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. In both cases, their boundaries would have been violated and shutting down would have been the only way for them to handle the pain that they were in. The Body Remembers The years will have passed but how they felt all those years ago will have remained inside them. Getting close to another person will unconsciously remind them of what happened when they were younger. The early arousal will be triggered and once again, shutting down and/or pulling away will be a way for them to handle it. This trauma will make it more or less impossible for them to stay emotionally present and to deeply connect to another person. Awareness The experiences that they had as a child will also have affected their ability to trust and to feel comfortable with being vulnerable. Ultimately, what they fear has already happened but as they are still in a traumatised state, they are unable to move on from what happened and to realise that they survived what took place. Dealing with all this arousal will be essential if one is to ever have a deep and fulfilling relationship with another person. When it comes to working with this arousal, the assistance of a therapist or a healer will probably be needed.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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