Relationships: Can Someone’s Childhood Cause Them To Play The Victim Role In A Relationship?8/7/2022
Right now, someone could be in a relationship that is not very fulfilling, and there could be a number of reasons why this is. Now, this could be because they are with someone who is incredibly abusive but, then again, it might not be this severe.
Instead, they could be with someone who generally doesn’t treat them very well. This could be something that has been going on for a number of weeks or might have been taking place for even longer. Black And White It will then be clear that their partner is the one who is in the wrong and that they themselves are being victimised. In other words, their partner will be to blame for what is going on and they will be blameless. It will be vital for their partner to change as, if this doesn’t take place, their relationship won’t change. What this will also mean is that they will have very little control over what is going on, while their partner will have a lot. External Support Now, if they were to talk to a friend or a family member about what is going on, they are also likely to back up the view that they are the victim. Their partner will be at fault and it will be up to this person to change. This could be a time when one is encouraged to leave them and to find someone who will treat them well. If one has been in this position before, they might have also received this feedback before. Another Angle However, although they are a victim on one level, what if they are not inherently a victim on another level? What if they are unconsciously co-creating what is taking place and are, thus, being victimised by themselves? Upon hearing this, they could say that this is not true as they are suffering and they don’t want to experience life in this way. They could then see this as a clear example of ‘victim blaming’. The Tip Of The Iceberg Even so, what they will need to keep in mind is that the part of them that is not happy with what is going on and wants their life to change is just one small part of them. Along with the conscious part of them, which is only a small part of their consciousness, they also have an unconscious mind. This other part of them has far more control over their life than their conscious mind does. Without this understanding in place and one only being aware of their conscious mind, it is to be expected that they will see themselves as a powerless victim, at least when it comes to this area of their life. Deep Exploration Nonetheless, if a small part of them was able to entertain this idea if not fully accept it, it would give them the chance to take a closer look into this. One thing that they could do, to gain a deeper understanding, is to think about how they feel when they are being mistreated in their current relationship. For example, they can find that they feel hopeless, helpless, worthless and unlovable. After this, they can look into if they have felt this way in the past. A Continuation By doing this, they could find that they have not only had a number of relationships where the same things have happened but they have felt the same way in each one. If they were then to think about what took place during their formative years, they may find that this was also a time when a lot of the same situations and feelings were experienced. To use an analogy, their childhood experiences will be the trunk of a tree and everything that has come after this stage will be the branches of a tree. For so long, though, their brain will have blocked out what took place very early on in order to protect them, thereby preventing them from being able to join the dots, so to speak. A Big Difference During their formative years, when they were deprived of what they needed, they would have been a powerless victim. Yet, now that they are an adult, they can feel and act like a powerless victim but this is no longer the case. What will also make it hard for them to realise this, in addition to how they feel and what their friends, family and society are likely to tell them, is that they will unconsciously see another person as their mother/father. Thanks to something called transference, then, it will be hard for them to see that while the person will be different, what is being played out is a replay of old wounds. Drawing the Line Being aware of why this area of their life is this way will allow them to take responsibility for what is going on and to gradually change their life. In time, they will reconnect to their inherent power, worth and lovability. This is a time when they can be kind and compassionate towards themselves, to see that they have been doing the best that they can with what they know. This is not a time for them to criticise and blame themselves. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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What could be normal is for someone to continually end up with people who are unable to truly be there for them. When they are in a relationship, then, it could be as though they are with a child as opposed to an adult.
There is a chance that they are currently in a relationship with someone like this right now. If this is the case, they will be in a situation that is very familiar and they will know exactly how to behave. One Focus This will mean that they will spend a lot of time and energy doing things for their partner. Not only will this undermine them but, as their partner needs so much, they won’t be able to give them much in return. As a result of this, they are likely to often feel deprived and as though they are running on empty. However, by being so focused on their partner, they might seldom realise how malnourished they really are. Up and down Every now and again then, they could get to the point where they are no longer able to be there for their partner in this way. They could be so exhausted that it is a challenge for them to get out of bed and focus at work, for instance. Still, this could be a time when they feel guilty and ashamed and are soon back, doing what they can to help their partner. This could be something that will take a place a few times before they will get to the point where they can no longer carry on in this way. Lopsided When it comes to what they do for their partner, there can be what they do for them financially, relationally, emotionally and mentally. So, their partner can overspend and they themselves can end up footing the bill. Relationally, they can often have to smooth over conflict that their partner has created with others. When it comes to the mental and emotional side of things, they might often act like their partners therapist, with them trying to solve their inner issues. A Welcome Relief If this relationship was to come to an end, a big part of them could be greatly relieved. Thanks to how much they gave and how little they received, this is not going to be much of a surprise. Nonetheless, another part of them can experience a deep sense of loss and feel hopeless and helpless. Based on how they feel, it will be as if they have lost someone significant and who they needed in order to survive. Inner Conflict If this is what takes place, they could wonder why they are in such a bad way, especially as the relationship wasn’t very fulfilling and they can survive without them. They could see that this is how they usually feel after a relationship has come to an end. Before long, they could end up getting into another relationship and the same thing could happen all over again. If so, they could get to the point where they can no longer live in this way and they start to look for answers. Enough is enough Ultimately, they will have suffered enough and now a big part of them will want to find a way to change this area of their life. As they have been in this position so many times, it might have occurred to them that they might not just be ‘unlucky’ and that there could be far more to it. What could soon stand out, by looking for answers, is that they believe that it is their responsibility to sort another person out. Thus, like one of those TV shows where a team of people go into a rundown house and fix it up, they will go into a relationship with someone who is in a bad way and try to fix them up. What’s going on? Upon realising this, they could struggle to understand why they have this belief as it will be clear that it is not serving them. If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, there is a strong chance that they formed this belief during their early years. This may have been a time when they were brought up by at least one parent who was unable to truly be there for them and who looked towards them to be there for them. Therefore, right from the very beginning, they were forced to be a caregiver, and this would have been a time when they needed to receive, not give. No Other option As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have had to adapt to what was going on and lose touch with their own needs and feelings in the process. In other words, their true self would have gone into hiding and they would have automatically created a false self. They would have lost touch with what was going on internally and ended up being solely focused on what was going on externally. Being there for one or both of their caregivers and perhaps even a sibling or siblings, would have allowed them to receive approval and to survive. A Natural Outcome These early experiences would have created an inner model of how they not only need to behave to survive but what they need to do in a relationship. Due to being egocentric at this stage, they would have come to believe that their feelings, needs and wants and true self are inherently bad. On one side, trying to fix another in a relationship will naturally feel very comfortable at a deeper level and, on the other, the person who they are trying to fix will be an externalisation of the part – or parts - of themselves that is deeply wounded. What they went through will have deeply deprived and wounded them, and they are likely to be carrying a lot of pain that needs to be worked through. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There is the chance that someone has been in a number of relationships that were not very fulfilling. Thanks to this, they could question if they want to be in another relationship or if they just want to stay single forever.
Then again, they could currently be in yet another relationship that is greatly undermining them and be thinking about cutting their ties. If they were to take this step, they might end up staying single for quite some time. A Mismatch Ultimately, regardless of what position they are in right now, there will be what they want and there will be what they end up with. If they have primarily been in relationships that are not fulfilling, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they are well and truly fed up. They can feel totally powerless and hopeless and believe that someone or something out there is holding them back. At this point, they may have a strong desire to forget all about this area of their life and focus on other areas. External Support If they have a few close friends, they could tell these people about what is going on for them. What these people could say, in one way or another, is that they are simply unlucky and that their luck is bound to change soon. From this, it will be clear that they have their best interest at heart but they won’t be able to shed light on what their life is this way. Still, if it wasn’t for their support, it would be a lot harder for them to handle what is going on. A Natural Outcome If they are told that they are simply unlucky, this is likely to show that these people believe that things just happen in life or at the very least, that who someone ends up with is a very random process. Consequently, it will just be about them hanging in there until the right person just shows up. Along with these, they are all likely to live in a society that also just believes that things just happen and who someone meets is more or less random. What they themselves believe will then have just been absorbed from their environment. A Reason While this will provide them with an answer when it comes to why this area as well as other areas of their life is the way that it is, it won’t fill them with belief that they can change this area of their life. What it will do is cause them to feel as though they have no control over this area of their life and are at the whim of fate. In other words, it will settle their mind down but it won’t allow them to experience what they truly desire. If they do, it will show that their luck has just happened to change and this has allowed them to meet someone who is right for them. Going Deeper However, what if who they end up with is not random and they are actually playing a part? Upon hearing this, they could say that this is not possible as who they have ended up with has been nothing like who they actually want to be with. Although this will be the case, it doesn’t mean that they are not playing a part in what is going on. What they will need to keep in mind is that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. Two Parts Not only this but what is taking place at a deeper level will typically have a far greater impact on what they do and don’t experience. By not understanding the impact that this part of them has, it is to be expected that they will see themselves as a powerless victim when it comes to this and perhaps other areas of their life. What will have made it difficult for them to see through this view is that they will live in a society that promotes it. This will be a society where the unconscious mind is largely overlooked, which is partly why the victim mentality is so prevalent. The Past is Present When it comes to this bigger, stronger part of their being, it will contain the emotional wounds that they experienced throughout their development years, among other things. These emotional wounds won’t just lie dormant, though, they will play a part in who they are drawn to and repel and what experiences they have with whoever they draw in. As a result of this, the experiences that they have in an adult relationship are going to be similar, if not the same, to the experiences that they had throughout their developmental years. Yet, as their brain will have blocked out what took place in order to protect them, causing their conscious mind to forget all about what happened, they won’t be able to see the connection. Shinning the Light What this illustrates is how important it is for someone to be able to detach from what is going on externally and to bring their attention inwards. Without this ability, they will be unknowingly walking around in the dark and will thus, bump into things and fall over from time to time. When it comes to how they are repeating their early experiences, they could have the tendency to end up with people who are not available and/or who are abusive, for example. Now, if they were able to connect to their early years, they may see that one or both of their parents was distant and/or abusive. Drawing the Line So, if instead of seeing what is taking place as a sign that they are unlucky and have no control, they see it as a reflection of what they need to resolve inside themselves, it will give them the chance to transform their life. Facing the pain that is inside them and working through it won’t be easy, but it will be their way out. This is a process that will take courage and patience and persistence. But, by choosing to consciously suffer, there will be no need for this area of their life to bring them nothing but misery and pain for as long as they live. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has recently got into a relationship, they could spend a lot of time worrying that their partner will leave them. Now, this could be something that they keep to themselves or they could share it with them.
Having this fear will make it hard for them to relax and they can end up being very clingy. They could then spend a lot of time messaging their partner and calling them and it will be hard for them to focus on other areas of their life. Weighed Down Thanks to this, their partner could end up feeling smothered by them and have the need to keep their distance. As a result of this, they could end up putting in even more effort and pushing their partner even further away. But, although how they are behaving will be undermining their relationship, they might not be aware of this. If, then, their partner does end up cutting their ties with them, they could end up being in a very bad way. The Fall Out This can be a time when they will feel deeply alone and abandoned and they might even feel as though their life is going to end; that’s how much pain they will be in. To handle this pain, they could up shutting down and lose touch with how they feel. Before long, though, they could end up looking for another person to be with. If this does take place, it might not be long until the same thing or something very similar, takes place. A Common Occurrence If they were to look back on their life, they may find that this is something that has taken place on a number of occasions. There may have also been moments when certain friends have just disappeared too. So, in general, when one of their relationships comes to an end, it will be something that has a big effect on them. The end of a relationship will be something that greatly wounds them and makes it hard for them to function. How It Is What might stand out at this point is that they expect other people to leave them, and they might see that this is how they have been for quite some time. They could come to the conclusion that this is how their life will always be. With this going on inside them, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they feel deeply helpless and hopeless. This area of their life won’t be very fulfilling and, as far as they are concerned, they won’t be able to do anything about it. Going Deeper If it was put forward to them that they are playing a part in what is going on, they could end up dismissing what has been said. They could say that they want to be in an intimate relationship and for people to stay around. However, while this is what is going on at a conscious level, there is a strong chance that there is something very different going on at an unconscious level. Deep down, they can believe that they are not worthy of being loved and having anyone around who is truly there for them. Self-Sabotage When they are in a relationship, without being aware of it, they will do what they can to push another person away. The outcome of this, of course, is that they will feel rejected, worthless and abandoned and perhaps as though their death is imminent. By feeling unworthy of being loved and cared for, they won’t feel comfortable having another person around. Once they have become aware of this, they could wonder why they are this way. Back In Time What this may illustrate is that their developmental years were not very nurturing. This may have been a stage of their life when they were often neglected and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care. By being deprived of the care that they needed, they would have been deeply traumatised and they wouldn’t have been able to develop a felt sense of worth or love. Their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. Replaying The Past So, as they were left at a stage of their life when they needed the right care for their brain and being to develop in the right way, being left was bound to have harmed them. And, as they were egocentric and thus, personalised what took place, it was to be expected that this would be seen as a reflection of their worth and how lovable they are. What took place will be over but they will continue to re-experience what took place all those years ago; the people will be different but how they feel will be the same. Yet, as their brain will have repressed the pain that they experienced to keep them alive and their conscious mind will have forgotten all about it, they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone will be an interdependent human being, it doesn’t mean that they will act like one. Instead, they can be happy spending time by themselves and rarely if ever be or reach out to others.
If they are around others, it could be a sign that they are at work or out shopping. Based on how they behave, then, it will be as though they are completely independent and don’t need others. Their Experience When they are by themselves, the thought of connecting to and being around others might seldom enter their mind. This can show that they will be totally engrossed in what they are doing. Most likely, their point of awareness will be up top, in their head. So, they could be using a device, watching something or reading, for instance. A Key Part In addition to being totally consumed by what they are doing, what will also play a part in why they don’t feel the need to be around others is the fact that they won’t be connected to their body. By not having a strong connection to this part of them and thus, their feelings and a number of their needs, there will be no reason for them to reach out to others. This is then no different to how if they didn’t feel hungry, there would be no reason for them to reach out for food. They won’t feel the need to be around others, so being by themselves will be what feels comfortable. Dark Moments Still, while they won’t have a strong connection to their body, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be moments when they feel very low and perhaps depressed. During this time, they can feel lifeless. Due to this, they can question if their life has any meaning and if there is any point to their existence. After a while, they might end up coming out of the hole that they are in, only to fall back into it a little while down the line. The Other Side When they are around others, they can be just as disconnected from themselves as they are when they are by themselves. Then again, they could be even more out of touch with what is going on inside them, with them being focussed on what is going on for others. Before long, they could soon feel the need to get away and to be by themselves. What can play a part here is that they may often be walked over by others and end up feeling violated. An Unpleasant Experience In general, then, being around others won’t be seen as something that is very enjoyable. When they are by themselves, on the other hand, they will be able to maintain who they are and be centred. Ultimately, being by themselves will be what allows them to feel safe and secure and to have a sense of self. Yet, being around others will cause them to feel unsafe and insecure and as though their sense of self is under threat. Isolated However, despite the fact that being by themselves will be what feels comfortable, there are also likely to be moments when they feel deeply alone. To handle this pain, they could end up consuming something or engaging in some kind of activity. What this will do is allow them to avoid how they feel, if only for a short period of time. Yet, sooner or later, this sense of aloneness is likely to enter their conscious awareness once again. Enough is enough If they were to get to the point where they can no longer bear to live in this way, they could end up looking for answers. By doing this, they could be told that how they behave as an adult is due to what took place during their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life when they missed out on the nutrients that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. From the moment they were born, they may have been neglected and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care. Two Pats When they were left, it would have deeply wounded them and when they were given attention, as this attention was typically not in alignment with what they needed, this would have also deeply wounded them. In the first case, they would have felt helpless, hopeless and abandoned and in the second, they would have felt smothered, trapped and helpless. To handle the pain that this would have caused them, they would have automatically repressed how they felt and gone into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. This would have meant that they became estranged from their true self/body and ended up losing touch with their feelings and a number of their needs. The Outcome They would have come to associate human contact with the loss of their self and being annihilated. Thus, at a deeper level, not needing others and keeping their distance will be seen as the only way for them to survive. Their need for human contact would have been deeply repressed and living up top will be a natural consequence of how traumatised they were at this stage of their life and perhaps other stages of it. Their brain and body will have been overloaded with pain and this is why it won’t take a lot for them to feel overwhelmed as an adult. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can Someone Need To Learn To Be Interdependent If They Experienced Childhood Trauma?12/4/2022
Now that someone is in a relationship, it may occur to them that how they have behaved for so long is not serving them. The reason for this is that for as long as they can remember, they may have tried to do just about everything by themselves and rarely expressed their feelings.
They will show that they live as though they are their own island and have no need for anyone else. For a big part of their life, this may have even been something that they were quite proud of and perhaps looked down on those who needed others. It Worked Living in this way will have allowed them to meet certain needs, while other needs would have ended up being overlooked. So, they might have been able to stand on their own two feet and had the money that they needed to survive, if not thrive, for instance. Yet, when it comes to their emotional needs, most if not all of these are likely to have been unmet. This might not have typically stood out, though, as these needs might have generally been outside of their conscious awareness. A Different Experience By being in a relationship, however, it might be necessary for them to open up about how they feel. This is because they could be with someone who opens up about how they feel and wants to connect deeply with them and not just have a surface-level relationship. If so, this will show that they have been drawn to someone who is partly, if not fully connected to how they feel. Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that they will just be able to connect to and share how they feel. Another Part Along with this, it is likely to also be necessary for them to share their needs. Yet, just as with their feelings, they might find it hard to connect to and express their needs. In both cases, they may find that they prefer to keep both their needs and feelings to themselves. They are then going to have two challenges when it comes to developing a deeper connection with their partner: connecting to and revealing what is taking place inside them. Resistance One on hand, this is likely to be what they want to experience, and, on the other, they can find that there is resistance when it comes to them being more relational and opening up. Due to this, they could feel frustrated and angry, and even end up blaming themselves for how they are. Furthermore, they could feel the need to step back and create distance between themselves and their partner. Ultimately, they will be an interdependent human being but they won’t feel comfortable acting like one. Confusion At this point, they might wonder why they are this way and why being in a relationship is such a challenge. They might even believe that this area of their life should flow and shouldn’t be so hard. They could think about the people in their life who are in a relationship and don’t appear to have any problems and see them as being different to them. It could then be as if there is something inherently wrong with them. Closer Look If they have been super independent for as long as they can remember and have a weak connection to their feelings and a number of the needs, there is a strong chance that they are this way due to what took place during their formative years. This will mean that they didn’t choose to be this way and there is nothing inherently wrong with them. There is the chance that if they didn’t become this way during their early years, they might not be alive. This stage of their life is likely to have been anything but nurturing, with them being neglected and harmed in one or a number of ways. Back In Time Having parents who were unable to provide them with the love, care and protection that they needed would have stopped them from being able to develop in the right way. Instead of seeing their parents as people who were safe and could be trusted, they would have seen them as a threat to their very survival. This would have stopped them from being able to form a healthy attachment and caused them to keep most of their needs and feelings to themselves. Also, thanks to the pain that they would have experienced by being left and harmed, they would have ended up disconnecting from their body and thus, lost touch with most of their needs and feelings. A Natural Outcome Taking this into account, it is not much of a surprise that they ended up how they are as an adult. A time in their life when they were totally powerless and dependent and needed to form a strong attachment to their parents was a time when they were deeply traumatised. How it was with their parents would then have created an inner template of how it would be with every other human being; the particular would have become the general. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but, deep down, every human being will still be seen as a threat. It’s over What this period of their life would have also done is caused them to believe that their feelings, needs and themselves are bad. Revealing how they feel and their needs is then going to be seen as something that will cause them harmed and/or rejected and abandoned. Naturally, this is going to play a big part in why it is so hard for them to surrender, let down their guard and be vulnerable. A big part of what will allow them to truly put what took place behind them and open up will be for them to work through the pain and arousal that is held inside their brain and body. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can Developmental Trauma Make It Hard For Someone To Be Present In A Relationship?7/4/2022
Right now, someone may be in an intimate relationship and while this may be something that they have wanted to experience for quite some time, it doesn’t mean that they are finding it easy. Instead, they could find that they are finding it harder and harder to be present and to stay connected to how they feel.
As a result of this, they will experience a fair amount of pressure and stress. Along with this, there will be how their partner responds to what is going on, and how they respond will largely depend on the inner wounds they are carrying. The Law of Resonance The reason for this is that they won’t just have randomly ended up in a relationship with each other. No, they will have been drawn together because there is an energetic match between them. Now, part of what will make up this match will be the inner wounds that both of them are carrying. With this understanding in place, it will allow both of them to work through the inner wounds that arise and to become more integrated and whole human beings in the process. Unaware Without this understanding in place, it can be normal for both of them to blame each other for the problems that arise. Or, for one person to blame the other and for the other person to feel at fault for just about everything that goes wrong. Naturally, what this won’t do is allow either of them to grow and develop, and if they were to break up after a while, both of them could end up re-creating the same scenario all over again. This outcome can be likely, in part, due to the fact that they are likely to live in a society where human beings are typically seen as passive observers of reality and what is going on out there is the issue. Moving On Anyway, when they are around their partner and they find it hard to be present and connected to how they feel, their priority can be to get away and to have some space. This can be a time when they are totally confused and don’t understand what is going on. They will have what they have wanted but, now that they have it, they won’t be able to accept it. Not being able to be present and connected to how they feel can cause them to feel frustrated and angry, along with the anxiety and fear that arises. A Natural Outcome If their partner starts to believe that they are losing interest at this point, it won’t be much of a surprise. As not only will they create this impression and not express how they feel about them but, as what is going on is so confusing and if they are experiencing a lot of fear and even terror, they might not be able to express what is going on for them. What is likely to also play a part here is that as they are finding it hard to be present, their ability to think clearly has been undermined. In a lot of cases, then, they won’t be very conscious. One Consequence After a while, their relationship could end up coming to an end and while this will most likely cause them to experience a fair amount of pain, and even a sense of relief from the pain that they were in, it can also give them the opportunity to change their life. Being curious at this time will be essential as this will allow them to gradually move forward. If they were to take this step, what they may soon realise is that how they were in the relationship is nothing new; it is just that this experience has brought into their focus how they generally are. For so long, they will have been able to overlook how they are but being in an intimate relationship will have brought it to their attention. The Norm When they are around their friends, for instance, it probably won’t matter how present they are and they might not need to express their feelings. Ultimately, how they are won’t be an issue in this area of their life. Yet, as more was expected of them in an intimate relationship, it was to be expected that they would struggle. As to why they find it hard to be present and connected to how they feel, this can be due to what took place during their formative years. Back In Time From the moment they were born, they may have often been neglected and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care. Not receiving the care that they needed would have greatly wounded them. Their underdeveloped brain and nervous system would not have been equipped to handle what was going on. Their only option was to automatically repress how they felt and to go into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. The past is present This stage of their life will be over but their brain and body won’t have truly moved on. These parts of them will see life as a threat, stopping them from being able to be in their body and connected how they feel and their needs and making a hard for them to be present in the process. In addition to this, they will be carrying the pain and arousal that their system had to repress all those years ago. Taking this into account, changing this area of their life won’t just be a case of them changing their behaviour; they will have a lot of inner material to work through and a nervous system that gradually needs to settle down, in order for them to inhabit their body and take life in. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone may want to be in an intimate relationship, they might not feel that this is possible for them. The reason for this is that they might not have been able to get very close to another person.
Or, if they have been in at least one relationship, this might have soon ended just as they started to move closer together. There is the chance that this has happened on more than one occasion. Totally Confused At this point in time, they could wonder why they are unable to take the next step; it could seem as though someone or something out there is holding them back. If so, there could be moments when they feel like a powerless victim. But, if they haven’t been able to achieve their aim and they have been playing their part, how else would they feel? The time for them to be positive and to keep their head up may have been and gone. An Old Approach In the past, they may have done their best to stay positive and not let what is going on get them down. Yet, as this has been going on for so long, they might not have the energy or the desire to be positive any longer. They will no longer want to live in hope; they will want this area of their life to actually change. Over the years, they may have done a number of things to try to change this area of their life, only to feel more frustrated. For Example So, when it comes to what they have done to change their life, they may have worked on their confidence and appearance. Along with this, they may have put themselves out there by going to different events, social clubs and even travelled. They may have also done their best to live a life that is fulfilling and let go of their need to be with anyone. Another part of this is that they may have become more successful, in the hope that this would make them more desirable and seen as a stable partner. A Closer Look If they were to open up to another about what is going on for them, they could end up being surprised by the response. They could be told that the reason they are unable to experience what they want to experience is that part of them doesn’t want it. This could end up being dismissed and seen as something that is not true for them. They could say that the fact that they have been putting in the work, as opposed to simply sitting around, proves this. Two Parts If this is how they respond, what they will need to think about is that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. This means that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind, and this part of them is smaller and far weaker than the other part of them. As they haven’t been able to have what they desire at a conscious level, there has to be something that is taking place at an unconscious level that is cancelling his part of them out. Still, it is not that this part of them is trying to undermine them; it is trying to protect them. Going Deeper As their conscious mind doesn’t understand what is going on and is confused, it is likely to show that their brain has blocked out the information that would shed light on what is going on. What this may show is that there was a stage of their formative years that was deeply traumatic. If they were to look back on their life, they might not be able to think of a stage of it that was painful. They could even say that their early years were fine and that they were not abused and/or neglected, for instance. Way Back Regardless of whether or not their childhood years were or were not very nurturing, their developmental years might not have been. From the moment they were born, they may have often been left and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care. When they were left, they are likely to have felt helpless, alone and as though they were going to die. As for when they were given attention, they are likely to have felt smothered, trapped and as though they were going to be annihilated. A Brutal Time How they felt would have soon ended up being automatically repressed by their brain and they would have gone into a shut-down, collapsed and frozen state. Additionally, they would have come to associate human contact with something that would cause them to lose themselves and die. Therefore, they would then have been deprived of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way as an infant and then they would have unconsciously continued to deprive themselves of what they needed as an adult. But, as this took place very early on and their brain blocked out what took place, it is to be expected that they have believed that they had no control over this area of their life. It’s not over What took place will be well and truly over but their brain and body won’t have truly moved on from what happened. They are likely to be carrying a lot of pain and arousal and this will need to be released and worked through. Their system will gradually need to learn that it is safe for them to get close to another, to maintain their sense of self and that they won’t die. This is whole process is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Human Contact: Can Developmental Trauma Cause Someone To Associate Human Contact With Death?7/3/2022
Now, although someone can have the desire to be in an intimate relationship, it doesn’t mean that they won’t have ended up pulling away from at least one relationship. In fact, this may have been something that has taken place on more than one occasion.
Either way, when this has taken place, they could have ended up wondering why they behaved in this way. This is not to say that this took place straight after as it may have taken a little while. One Priority When they were in the relationship, they are likely to have felt very uncomfortable and had to get away from the other person. In the beginning of the relationship, however, they might not have felt this way. This may have been a time when they were happy to have met someone with who they had a connection and started to love them. But, as things developed and they got closer, their experience would have soon changed. Overwhelmed If at one point they experienced a lot of pleasure through being around their partner, they would have soon experienced a lot of pain. This would have meant that the love that they felt for them would have soon been partly if not completely covered up. Consequently, it would have been a lot harder for them to be present and they might not have spent a great deal of time around their partner. Ultimately, they would have slowly disappeared. A natural Outcome As a result of this, their partner probably wondered what was going on and may have even blamed themselves. Yet, if at one point they were acting ‘normal’ and were interested and at another, they were no longer as available, how else would they be? What was going on would then have been seen as very strange by them and this would have been a time when one probably wasn’t even thinking about why they were pulling away. This is because as they were in so much pain, their thinking brain was probably partly if not fully offline. One Outlook If this is something that has taken place on more than one occasion, it will be a lot harder for them to see the other person as the problem. Due to this, they could come to the conclusion that they have a ‘fear of intimacy’. Therefore, they will pull away out of fear and the key will be for them to simply push through this fear next time. So, the answer will be for them to feel the fear and do it anyway. Going Deeper It could be this black and white but, then again, there could be far more to it. If they were to go back to how they felt when they needed to pull away and then to go forward to when they did pull away, they may find that they didn’t just experience fear. What they may find is that, in addition to pulling away and experiencing fear, they felt as though they were going to die, their body seized up and part of their being withdrew deep inside themselves. If this is the case, it will be clear that there was far more to their experience than them just experiencing fear and that they were not in a good way. Self-Compassion Considering this, if they have been hard on themselves when it comes to their behaviour, it will be important for them to keep in mind that they didn’t consciously choose to behave in this way. This will also mean that it was not their attention to hurt the person they were with or mean that they didn’t care about or love them. Quite simply, they did the best that they could with what they knew. Thus, it will be essential for them to do what they can to show themselves the level of kindness and understanding that they deserve. What’s going on? When it comes to why they would respond in this way when they get close to another, it can be due to what took place during their developmental years. What took place before they were a child and even toddler can then be what has had the biggest impact on them. This is likely to have been a time when they were typically neglected and when they did receive attention, it is likely to have been misattuned care. This is likely to have meant that their primary caregiver was emotionally unavailable and not in a good way themselves. A Closer Look A stage of their life when they needed to receive the right care in order to grow and develop in the right way would have been a time when they were deeply traumatised. To handle the pain that they were in, a big part of them would have ended up withdrawing deep inside themselves. This was their only option as they were unable to change their caregiver’s behaviour or to find another one. Withdrawing inside themselves, then, was the only way for them to stop themselves from being aware of the fact that they felt smothered and as though they were going to be annihilated. Too Much To Handle The pain that they experienced would have automatically been repressed by their brain and they would have gone into a shut down, collapsed and frozen state. What they experienced was far too much for their underdeveloped brain and nervous system to handle. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but they will continue to carry most if not all of the pain that they experienced all those years ago. Furthermore, their sense of self will continue to be underdeveloped and the infantile defence that they had to use to survive, withdrawal, will be used whenever they feel stressed. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although there are those who are able to be by themselves and to be with others, there are also those who are unable to relate to this. As a result of this, they are likely to feel uncomfortable around others and they can feel uncomfortable being by themselves.
For that reason, their life is going to be far harder than it needs to be as whatever option they go for, they are not going to be happy and at ease. At the same time, there is likely to be at least one thing that they can do in each of these experiences to deal with their discomfort. The First Experience So, when they are around others they can feel conformable or they can end up disconnecting from how they feel. By losing touch with how they feel they might not even realise that they are uncomfortable. They will then be able to play the part of someone who is sociable without fully showing up. The trouble is that by disconnecting from themselves, they won’t be able to fully connect with anyone. The Second Experience When they are by themselves they can feel uncomfortable or they can also end up disconnecting from how they feel. By doing this, and this can automatically take place, they won’t need to feel lonely. What may help with this is if they were to consume something or to engage in a certain activity. Their attention will be in their head and what is taking place in their body will be a mystery, if only for a short while. A Frustrating Existence Now, even if they are not consciously aware of what is going on, living in this way is going to have a negative impact on their life. Without this awareness, they could often feel helpless and powerless and deeply depressed. This could just be seen as what their life is like, with there being very little that they can do. For their life to change, it will be essential for them to be able to step back and reflect on their life. Confusion If they were to do this, they could struggle to understand why they don’t feel comfortable around others or by themselves. They may see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember, too. At this point, they could come to the conclusion that they were simply born this way. If they do, they will just have to tolerate how they experience life and do their best to handle the life that they have been given. Hidden However, there is the chance that they were not born this way and how they experience life is due to what took place during the beginning of their life. But, thanks to how traumatic this stage was, their brain ended up blocking out what took place. This is then why how they experience life as an adult doesn’t make sense to their conscious mind and why they, perhaps, believe that they were just born this way. The information that would shed light on what is going on will be outside of their conscious awareness. A Key Stage Practically from the moment they were born, they may have often been neglected and the care that they did receive might have been in sync with what they actually needed. This could show that they were brought up by caregivers who believed that a baby needed to adapt to their needs. This view is not only old fashioned, it will also cause an infant to be deprived of what they need in order to grow and develop. Yet, when an adult is projecting their level of development onto a baby, this won’t be understood. A brutal Time Being left and having at least one caregiver who was unable to attune to their needs, would have caused them to be deeply wounded. What would have made this even worse is that this would have taken place at a stage of their development when their brain and nervous system were in an undeveloped state and not equipped to handle so much pain and stress. When they were left, they are likely to have felt terrified, enraged, rejected, abandoned, helpless and deeply alone; whereas when they were given attention, they are likely to have felt enraged, trapped, smothered, fearful and terrified. To handle both of these experiences, they would have automatically repressed how they felt, disconnected from themselves and gone into shut down, frozen state. No Connection A time in their life when they needed to bond with their primary caregiver would have been a time when they were unable to do so. This caregiver as well as others would have been seen as a threat to their survival. Thus, instead of feeling comfortable with their fellow human beings; they would have come to fear them. They were incredibly vulnerable during this time and their heart, along with other organs, would have been put under a lot of pressure. Moving Forward As this trauma was preverbal and therefore, took place before their thinking brain was online, it is unlikely that they will be able to change their life by simply thinking differently, changing their beliefs and their behaviour. What they will need to do is to work through their repressed pain and to settle their nervous system down. Naturally, this is not something that will take place overnight; it will take endless patience and persistence. But, as long as this might take, what’s the alternative? The alternative is how one has lived up until this point. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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