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While one could come across another person and not really experience anything, they could come across someone else and it could be as if their whole being has been hijacked. But, even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one will see this as a bad thing.
One will then have lost control, yet it will be seen as a sign that they have met someone who is right for them. Every part of their being is then going to be on green, telling them to move ahead. An Analogy Therefore, this scenario is likely to be very similar to how it would be if one went to look for a new car. There will be cars that don’t do it for them, cars that they like but are not enamoured with, and cars that they are strongly drawn to. In will then be a good idea for them to buy the car that really draws them in, that’s if they have the means to do so. If they end up with a car that doesn’t do it for them, it is unlikely that they will enjoy having the car. One Direction So, just like being drawn to a car will tell them that the car is right for them, being strongly attracted to someone will tell them that the peons is right for them. As a result of this, one will want to do what they can to take things further. Another thing that they may feel the need to do, after having met some like this, is to tell the people in their life about what has happened. They could end up telling these people that they have met someone who is perfect for them. Emotionally Uplifted No matter what their emotional state was like before they met this person, there is a strong chance that it has radically changed since that point in time. If they were not in a good place, now they will be, and, if they were in a good place, they will probably feel even better. In fact, it could seem as though they have been taken to another planet or that the planet they live on is so much better. It then won’t be necessary for one to be with this person in order to feel better; they will only need to think about them. The Next Step Let’s say that the other person is also attracted to them and things do progress, one could start to think about the future. They might think about what it will be like to live with this person and to even start a family with them, for instance. Now, as time passes, it could become clear that they are in a relationship with someone who is right for them. It was then a good thing that they responded in the way that they did, when they first came into contact with this person. Another Scenario At the same time, what one may find that this person is not good for them as time goes by. And, while this person might simply not be a good match; it could end up being far worse. For example, they could end up coming to see that they are with someone who is verbally or physically abusive. One will then have been on one side of the emotional spectrum at the beginning, only to go to the other side of it as time has gone by. Unbelievable If one felt so good at the beginning and just about every part of them was saying ‘go for it’, it can be hard for them to comprehend how this could have happened. One may end up taking place is that one will feel like a victim. It can seem as though they were deceived and, as a result, it will be normal for them to feel as though they have been taken advantage of. Nonetheless, just because it seems as though they played no a part in what has occurred; this is unlikely to be so. A Potential Red Flag What it is likely to show is that they were simply unaware of what was going on, which is why they had no reason to question what was taking place and allowed themselves to be swept away by it all. Ergo, even though being strongly attracted to this person would have been seen as something positive, they were being deceived by what was taking place within them. To understand what most likely took place at this stage of their life, it will be necessary take a closer look into why someone would be attracted to another person. It would be easy to believe that this is typically something that takes place when someone likes another person’s appearance and their personality. A Deeper Look These two elements play a part, that is clear, but they are surface levels factors. There are other elements that play an even bigger role in why one would be attracted to another person. Below these surface level elements is the part that someone’s childhood has on who they are drawn to. Consciously, one can have the need to be with someone who will be a good match for them but, unconsciously, they will have the need to find someone who will allow them to resolve their early wounds. Repetition Compulsion Said another way, their conscious mind will want them to be happy, while their unconscious mind will want them to evolve. With this in mind, the reason one can feel a strong attraction to someone can be due to the fact that this person reminds them of one of their caregivers. At a deeper level, part of them will want to replay what took place all those years ago and then to resolve it. Without realising it, they will be projecting what they didn’t get from their caregivers into another person and, as time passes, these positive projections will start to fade out, being replaced by negative projections and the other person’s true nature will start to fade in. Awareness Taking this into account, if someone feels strongly attracted to someone, it might be a good idea for them to step back and to reflect. Doing this might save them a lot of pain in the long-term. What this emphasises is that while ones conscious mind can forget about what happened in the past, their unconscious mind doesn’t forget. This part of them will reveal why they are attracted to certain people. If one finds that they have the tendency to be attracted to the wrong people, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Online Dating: Should Both Men And Women Be Careful What They Reveal If They Want A Relationship?16/1/2019
If someone was to use an online dating app to try to find a mate, it is naturally going to be different to how it would be if they were to try to find a mate in the real world. For one thing, there will be only so much information available to them online.
When they are looking at another person’s profile, they will have a number of pictures to look through and they may even have a write-up to go over. It is then not really going to be possible for them to get a sense of what the other person is really like. In The Flesh On the other hand, if someone was to go out into the real world and to meet people, there would be a lot more information available to them. They would be able to ask another person questions and they would be able to see what they actually look like, as opposed to looking at pictures that may have been heavily edited. Furthermore, through being in their presence, it will give them the opportunity to see if they are a good match for them. This can be a time when their conscious mind might not be able to know if they are a good match, but their unconscious mind will let them know in one way or another. A Bigger Role So, unlike online dating where it is more about what someone looks like, the real world can be a place where someone’s personality has more of an impact. Therefore, if someone doesn’t look good pictures but they have a good personality, they might not do very well online. Yet, if someone looks good in pictures but they don’t have much of a personality, online dating could be a good option for them. This can make online dating sound very shallow and in a lot of cases, it is. The Other Side With that aside, if someone has a strong need to find a mate online, they can do what they can do make sure that they come across in a good light. Now, this may mean that they will do what they can make sure that they have a good write-up and that their pictures are equally as good. At the same time, what they may do is pay little attention to their write-up and do what they can do have good pictures. Having good pictures and an average write-up is likely to be better than the opposite. The Right Message Nonetheless, by having a good write up, it will give them the chance to let other people know exactly what they are looking for. One will be clear, which may allow them to be very clear when it comes to what they say on their profile. When it comes to the pictures that they upload, they may have a few of just them and a few where they are with their friends, for instance. Each picture may then show a different side of their nature. Keeping it Natural While they may share a few pictures of them from a certain angle, due to how this makes them look, they might not edit their pictures. They may be only too aware of how much better they would look if they did this, but that doing so would mean that they are presenting a false image. This may mean that they won’t pull as many people in, yet at least they won’t be misleading others. After all, if one can’t reveal what they actually look like on a dating app, how is it going to be possible for them to experience true intimacy? Consequential Thinking When it comes to the parts of themselves that someone decides to keep hidden and to reveal at a later date, it can all depend on if they are man or a woman. A woman may decide that she won’t share any pictures of her body; whereas a man may decide that he won’t share any pictures that show how successful he is or what his body is like. Deep down, the woman may realise that if she were to do this, it might cause her to only draw in men who are interested in one part of her. And a man may also have the same outlook. The Sensible Approach Once again, this will most likely have an effect on the amount of people they are able to pull in, but it will most likely be worth it in the long run. What this can also show is that someone like this values themselves, with this being the reason why they are able to hold certain things back. Clearly, if they were to reveal everything on their online dating profile it would allow them to bring more men/women in; the downside to this, of course, it that the quality of the people who they do bring in would probably go down. If one didn’t value themselves and had a strong need for approval, they could end up revealing everything, causing them to attract people who only want to be with them because they have a good body/a lot of money. Awareness What this illustrates is how important it is for someone to think about what kind of people they may attract if they share a certain part of themselves or their life on their dating profile. Just because they have it, it doesn’t mean that they have to flaunt it – not at the beginning anyway. When they speak to someone who ticks a number of their boxes, so to speak, and they end up meeting them to find out if there is something between the two of them, they can gradually reveal more of themselves. If this is done too soon, though, it will be even harder for one to know if another person is interested in all of them and wants a relationship or only a certain part of them and wants something else.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone is in a relationship that they no longer want to be in, it might not be long until it comes to an end. Perhaps they have been together for a number of months, or they may have been with each other for a number of years.
Yet, regardless of the amount of time that they have been with them, they are not going to want to stay put. This doesn’t mean that it will be easy for them to end the relationship; what it comes down to is that being with this person is no longer serving them. A Small Price to Pay Therefore, the pain that they will experience in the short-term will pale in comparison to what will gain in the long-term. Cutting their ties with this person will allow them to let go of a lot of things and to embrace a number of new things. For example, by no longer being with the same person, it will make it easier for them to behave in new ways. Some of their current behaviours that are being affirmed by their partner will start to die-off when the relationship comes to an end. A New Beginning In the same way that living in a cold climate will have a certain effect on them, the relationship they are in will be the same. Thus, if this was to come to an end, it might be similar to moving somewhere that is warm. In a different climate, their behaviour is likely to change and so are the types of clothes that they wear. And once their relationship comes to an end, their behaviour is just as likely to change and they may even wear different clothes. A Number of Reasons They could be with someone who is abusive, for instance, which is going to have a negative effect on their wellbeing. Staying with this person is not going to serve them, the only thing that it will do is cause them to feel ever worse about themselves. Being with this person is not going to be pleasant, yet even when they spend time apart one is unlikely to feel much better. At the same time, one could just be in a relationship that has run its course. A Different Path Maybe they have been with this person since they were at school, and have since realised that they are no longer compatible. Or, they might have started dating this person when they were not in a good way, with it being clear that they got together for the wrong reason. Being clear about what is going on for them will stop them from leading their partner on, and it will give them more time to find someone else. Staying with them for the wrong reason is not going to serve them or their partner. Another Scenario However, although someone could behave in this way when they no longer want to be with their partner, they could also behave in a different way. What they could end up doing is spending time with other people. Through going with others, it will be more bearable for them to stay with their partner. One is then not going to be fully present with the person they are actually with, and they are not going to be fully present with the other people who they share their body with. A Release The people who they share their body with might not be people who they would actually want to be with if they were not with anyone else. Still, having these people in their life will allow them to let of stream. Living in this way is, ultimately, going to cause them to experience even more pressure than they would otherwise. They most likely won’t be a double agent, but they will lead a double life. What’s going on? What this can illustrate is that this person has a fear of being abandoned, with this being the reason why they can’t cut their ties with the person they are with. Due to this fear, they would only do this is if they had another person lined up who they knew would stick around. Ergo, keeping their partner around will provide them with the external stability that they need to keep this fear under control, and, going with other people will allow them to fulfil the need that they have to be with someone who they are attracted to. The messiness that exists externally will be a reflection of the messiness that exists within them. A Pattern In fact, there is a strong chance that they will only have relationships with people who they perceive as being dependable. Having someone like this in their life will then allow them to have their fun with people who they are actually attracted to. Consequently, the person they are officially with will be there whenever one of these affairs comes to an end. One way to look at this would be to imagine that one is a dependent child and their partner is their parent – one can then go and play with their friends without having to worry about being abandoned. The Cause If one has a fear of being abandoned, there is also the chance that they are carrying the pain of being abandoned. This can be the result of what took place during their childhood and/or it can relate to what happened during their birth and while they were in the womb. The trauma that is within them is going to make it more or less impossible for them to be able to handle their emotions and to feel like an interdependent adult. Instead of their emotions being another part of them, it could seem as though this is the only part that they have. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone had just bought a car, there is a strong chance that they would have taken it for a test drive first. This would have given them the opportunity to find out what it is like and to see if it would be a good match for them.
Along with this, they would have most likely asked a number of questions about the car. After all, this was a big decision, so it is a good thing that they had done their research and not just gone for any car. A Different Approach However, while someone might be judicious when it comes to what car they buy, this might not be the case when it comes to who they start a relationship with. Therefore, even though this is an important area of their life, they might act as though it isn’t. If they behaved this way when it came to buying a car, they could end up buying a car that is dangerous or only looks good from the outside. Either way, they will have ended up making a bad decision. The Main Thing What someone like this could find is that as long as another person looks good, it is enough for them to take things further. The effect that this person’s appearance has on them is then going to put them into an altered state of consciousness, with this state taking away their ability to think clearly. The Hallo Effect Thanks to the other person’s appearance, one will see them through rose coloured glasses. If they were to express what is taking place within them it might sound like this, ‘they look good, so every other part of them must also be good'. One is then not going to be taking a drug that interferes with their ability to think rationally, but it will be as though they are. One will have put the other person on a pedestal, which is likely to mean that they will have a long way to fall. Two Extremes As times goes by, it could become clear that the idea that they had of the other person earlier on had very little basis in reality. At one moment in time they would have been in heaven, but at another, they will be in hell. If something like this happened once it would be enough, but when this happens on a regular basis, it is going to cause someone to experience a lot of pain. It wouldn’t be accurate, though, to say that this is always what takes place when someone continually ends up with the wrong person. Another Scenario Conversely, one could find that they have the tendency to be drawn to people who come across as strong and capable. In the beginning they will feel as though they are with someone who will treat them well, only to find that this person ends up becoming really controlling. When this happens, the other person will have appeared to have possessed all the right traits in the beginning, yet ended up becoming someone else as time went by. Due to the amount of people they have been with who were like this, they may wonder if they have a sign on their head that says, ‘controlling people only’. The Common Denominator Although someone who ends up with the wrong person all the time could find it hard to see any positives in all this, the good thing is that they will be the person who keeps showing up. What this then means is that in order them for attract soemome who is different, they will need to change. The area that will most likely need to be changed is their inner world; changing their appearance in some way, for instance, is unlikely to be the answer. In the same way that changing a cars appearance is unlikely make it run better, changing their appearance is unlikely resolve what is taking place, either. One Option If someone is not willing to look at what is taking place within them, and the affect that this is having on this area of their life, they could ask their friends to help them out. So, when one meets someone who they think is a good match, they could ask one of their friends to come and spend some time with them on different occasions. The trouble with this approach is that their other person can put on an act at the beginning, and, ones friend might not be a good judge of character. On the other hand, if one starts to resolve the wounds that are within them, it will be easier for them to see other people for who they are as opposed to projecting so much onto them. Diving In In addition to this, they will gradually lose the attraction that they have to people who are not good for them. A number of the wounds that they will need to deal with can be the result of what happened whilst they were a child. What took place during their birth, in the womb, and what was passed down ancestrally, can also play a part in the type of person that they are attracted to as an adult. Dealing with this baggage won’t happen overnight, but it will happen as long as they are patient and persistent. Awareness If one wants to change this area of their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are a number of things that can cause someone to experience incredible pain, and a breakup is one of those things. When someone experiences a break up, it can feel as though their whole has come to end.
It won’t matter if they had been with the other person for matter of months or years, as the pain can wipe them out. One can then have gone from feeling on top of the world, to feeling as though they are at the bottom of the world. Knocked Down However, even if they didn’t feel this way, how they now feel is still likely to be radically different. One could then have a physically strong body, a body that is covered in muscle, but it won’t have an effect on how they feel. On the outside, then, they will look strong, yet they will feel incredibly weak on the inside. If they don’t have a body like this, they can still feel far weaker than they actually look. A Loss of Control Before this point in time, they may have been fairly balanced, and they may have also found it fairly easy to handle their emotions when this wasn’t the case. Now, their emotions will be out of control, and it could be more or less impossible for them to settle their emotions down. In fact, it could feel as though they are now all at sea and there is very little that they can do about it. One of their greatest needs can then be to do whatever they can to regain control over their inner world. One Option What one could end up doing, in order to experience support, is to reach out to their friends. It will then be perfectly clear that they are not going to have the need to hide how they feel; they will comfortable with being vulnerable. The strength that they are currently lacking internally will be provided by the people in their life. In the same way that scaffolding will hold up an unstable building; these people will hold up their unstable inner world. Two Ways As these people are able to be there for them in this way, it will most likely to show that these people also have a good relationship with their own emotions. They are then not going to be emotionally disconnected or believe that there is anything wrong with being emotionally vulnerable. Instinctively, they may also realise that no one is their own island, and that there will be moments in everyone’s life when they need emotional support. Thus, if they were not in a good way, they would also reach out to others in the same way. The Healthy Approach When one is not in a good way and they reach out to others, it is going to stop them from disconnecting from how they feel. This will enable them to work through the pain that they are in. This might take a few months or it could take even longer, yet the main thing is that they will allow this process to unfold. After a while, they will most likely gradually start to settle down, which will give them the chance to find someone else. Another Outcome Alternatively, one could end up using their mind to disconnect from how they feel, and this is likely to mean that they will rarely come into contact with their pain. And, even when this pain does come into their conscious awareness, they will soon do what they can to push it back down again into their body. This may mean that there isn’t anyone in their life who they can open up to, or it could just show that they don’t feel comfortable reaching out to others. Either way, this pain is going to stay trapped within them. A Divided Being What this will do is allow them to settle down without having to work through their emotional pain. The downside with this approach is that it will no longer be possible for them to function as a whole human being. Not only will they lose touch with their ‘bad’ feelings, they will also lose touch with their ‘good’ feelings. They can then come across as someone who is very flat, and they might even come across as cold. False Highs Through being out of touch with the very things that allow then to feel alive, they can end up being drawn to things that will artificially bring life into them. This may mean that they will end up being drawn to alcohol, drugs, have endless casual encounters and/or they may constantly go abroad. The down side is that the momentary feeling of aliveness that they get by engaging in such things will probably make it even harder for them to handle their normal state. It is then easy to see why they might become addicted to these things. Awareness If someone like this was to get in touch with their pain, they may find that they feel too ashamed to reach out to others. Keeping this pain to themselves by disconnecting from it, will then have been a way for them to safe face. Taking this into account, it will be essential for one to accept that there is nothing wrong with reaching out for support. And even if another person does try to shame them, it would simply show that this person has their own wounds to resolve. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In order for two people to have a relationship together, they will both need to be able to behave like interdependent adults. The reason for this is that if only one of them acts like an interdependent adult, it will stop this from taking place.
Instead, what will happen is that one of them will be like a parent and the other will be like a child. This is then not going to be something that takes place from time to time; it will take place more or less all of the time. Unavoidable Naturally, there are going to be moments in just about every relationship where one person will regresses to a childlike state. Due to the amount of stress that they are in, it will cause them to devolve to an earlier stage in their life. However, after a little while the state they are in is likely to change, allowing them to return to their adult self. This can be something that takes place if they have experienced a loss or if they have too much going on in their life. Extending Themselves When one of them regresses, the other could make it clear that they are there for them. There is likely to be the emotional support that they give them, and they might even do a number of things for them that they wouldn’t usually do. Once this stage has passed, their partner could let them know how thankful they are for their support, and even end up treating them in some way. Yet, if something like this took place all the time, it would be incredibly tiring for the other person. Out of Balance It would no longer be possible for them to have an adult to adult relationship; it would be a relationship where one person is looking after the other. One person’s needs would then be met, but the others persons needs would end up being overlooked. As a result of what is taking place, the person who is behaving more like a caregiver is likely to gradually lose interest. Regardless of whether this person has children, they won’t be willing to act like this person’s parent. A Loss of Interest If they were to act like this person’s parent, it probably wouldn’t be long until they would be running on empty. They might end up telling their partner directly about what is on their mind, or they could simply end the relationship. The former will give their partner the chance to change, while the latter won’t give them that option. At the same time, if one is only dating this person and hasn’t been with them for very long, it will be lot easier for them to cut their ties. Another Outcome However, while there will be people who will be repelled by this behaviour and have no interest whatsoever in being with someone like this, there will be others who are different. Consequently, being in a relationship with someone who sees them as their parent is going to suit them. One is then going to do far more for their partner than their partner will do for them. But, even though this will be something that they will put up with, it doesn’t mean that they will be fully on aboard with what is taking place. Two Parts There could be times when they get really annoyed about what their partner is like, wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who can actually be there for them. In addition to this, they might spend a fair amount of time complaining about their relationship to their family and friends. Yet, as draining as it will be for them to be with someone like this, it won’t be enough for them to do anything about it. It could then be said that being with someone like this is going to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level or they would do something about it. The Benefit The reason why being with someone like this can feel comfortable is because they have a fear of being abandoned. A number of their needs are then going to be overlooked, but as this person is dependent on them, they will be less likely to leave them. Their need to be with someone who won’t leave them is then going to be far stronger than their need to be with someone who they are truly attracted to. And, until their inner world changes, this area of their life is unlikely to change either. Back In Time If they were to take a closer look at what their early years were like, they may find that this was a time in their life when they were neglected. Thus, the consistent care that they needed to develop a strong sense of self wouldn’t have been provided. What took place at this stage of their life would have caused them to develop a fear of being abandoned, and it would have caused them to experience the pain of being abandoned. Ultimately, one is going to be carrying trauma that will need to be resolved. Awareness If they simply focus on what is taking place in their mind, it is unlikely to resolve what is taking place in their body. Once the trauma in their body is dealt with, their mind should settle down. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are a number of things that can cause a relationship to come to an end, and some of these things receive more exposure in the public eye than others. For example, it is not uncommon to hear about someone who had an abusive partner and how this caused their relationship to come to an end.
Along with being in an abusive relationship, there are those who were in a relationship with someone who continually cheated on them. Now, while this is what some people out there have been through, there are undoubtedly people who are going through these kinds of things right now. Hidden If one is in a relationship with someone who is abusive, they are likely to know about it (that is unless being treated in this way is normal and, therefore, doesn’t stand out). However, if one is in a relationship with someone who is having an affair or who routinely cheats, they might not be aware of it. One can then believe that they are in a relationship that is going well, only to have a partner who is sharing their body with other people. Their lack of knowledge of what is taking place is going to save them a fair amount of pain, at least in the short-term. A Matter of Time But, sooner or later, they are bound to get an idea about what is taking place. They might see something that makes it clear that their partner is straying, or they could just sense that something is not right. What they do at this point can depend on a number of different factors. If one is a fairly strong and confident person, they could end up talking to their partner directly about what is on their mind. Another Approach Alternatively, they could be so caught up in their idealised version of their partner that they are unable to fully accept what is taking place in front of their eyes. Putting up with what is taking place is then going to be painful, but it will be even more painful for them to come to terms with what is actually going on. Perhaps one doesn’t feel very strong on the inside, which has caused them to see their partner as the centre of the world. Their eggs are then all going to be in one basket, so to speak, setting them up to be emotionally dependent on their partner. A Complex Dynamic What this illustrates is why some people just put up with their partner cheating and don’t do anything about it. In this case, they won’t even try to resolve what is taking place; simply putting up with their behaviour. On the other side of this, of course, is the big question about why someone would continually stray. There are a whole host of reasons as to why someone would behave in this way. One Reason There are hundreds of listicles out there that go into the different reasons as to why this takes place. If these common cited reasons are put to one side, it will create the space to become aware of another reason that is often overlooked. What needs to be brought to the table here is that even though human beings look like one person from the outside, it doesn’t mean that they are one person on the inside. On the inside, they can have many different selves within them, with a different self taking over at different moments of their life. A Closer Look So, let’s say that there is the self that shows up when one’s relationship is going well and another self that shows up when it isn’t going well. The first part could be able to experience self-control, while the other part might have no self-control whatsoever. When this second part shows up, their impulses could end up taking over, making it more or less impossible for them to resist what is taking place. Yet, if this part of them has taken over, they might not want to resist. Inner Disharmony Once this part is no longer in control of them and they are able to think clearly, they might end up being overwhelmed with guilt. It might seem as though they were possessed by something, vowing never to behave in this way again. The days or weeks could pass, though, and they could end up doing the same thing all over again. It is then going to be clear that trying to fight this part of them is not going to work; another approach will be needed. A Divided Self In addition to the different selves that are within them, there is going to be the part of them that is aware, the part that simply observes. The self that takes over and causes them to lose control, for instance, can be the result of early childhood trauma. One may have had an experience that was too painful for them to handle, and how they felt would then have been pushed out of their awareness. Their experience would then have been split-off in order for them to handle the amount of pain that they experienced. A Lack of Integration But, even though this part of them was split-off all those years ago, it is still exerting its influence over their life. There will then be times when this split-off part is like a piece of paper that is blowing in the wind and is nowhere near them, whilst there will be other times when it will be on their face, preventing them from seeing clearly. All the time that this part, along with all the other parts, is within them, it is going to be a challenge for them to act like a conscious human being. It will be normal for them to act in ways that are destructive to themselves and others. Awareness If someone can relate to this, and they want to become a more integrated human being, they may need to reach out for external support. This can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
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In the same way that it wouldn’t be a good idea for someone to put anything into their mouth; it also wouldn’t be a good idea for them to open themselves up to anyone. Therefore, the level of discernment that they show when it comes to the former will need to be shown when it comes to the latter.
If someone exercises discernment when it comes to their relationships, they are undoubtedly going to save themselves a lot of trouble. Still, this doesn’t mean that this area of their life will always run smoothly; what it means is that they won’t have the tendency to open their front door, so to speak, to just anyone. Two Levels When they meet someone, it most likely won’t be long until they have an idea about whether or not they want them to be a part of their life. This will apply to someone who could be a friend or to someone who they could have an intimate relationship with. There will be what takes place at a conscious level and what takes place an unconscious level. One is then not going to need to rely on their intellect alone in order to know if another person is right for them, as their intuition will assist them. Super Fast This part of them is like an advanced computer as it doesn’t take long to pick up information and then to send this information up to their conscious mind. Their intellect, on the other hand, is extremely slow in comparison. This part of them will be trying to work out what another person is like based on their body language, behaviour and facial expressions, for instance. What is different about their intuition is that it picks up on another person’s energy. Another Component So, in the same way that their intellect will enable them to read a piece of paper, their intuition will enable them read another person’s energy field. However, if it wasn’t for what is taking place at an emotional level, it would be a lot harder of them to know if another person is suitable for them. Due to being emotionally together, this part of them is generally not going to have a negative effect on this area of their life. What this means is that they are likely to feel whole and complete. The Odd Occasion This doesn’t mean that they will never feel needy, though, as there could be times when this is exactly how they feel. But, even if they do feel this way, it might not be enough for them let anyone into their life. During these moments in their life, their friends could help them to regulate how they feel. The ability that they have to handle their own emotions is also going to help them to handle the ups and down of life. A Different Scenario But, while there will be people who are able to exercise discernment when it comes to who they let into their life, there are going to be others who are unable to do so. When it comes to what goes into mouth, they could be fine. Consequently, one could look back on their life and see that they have had a number friends and partners who were extremely harmful. Along with this, their life could be filled with people like this now. Undermined Perhaps they are in a relationship with someone who is abusive, or they could be with someone who simply drains them. This person is then not going to abuse them, but what they will do is take far more than they give. Either way, this area of their life is going to have a negative effect on their whole life, making it more or less impossible for them to function at their best. What they may find is that they are unable to pay attention to the guidance that is within them. A Strong Need What they may find, if they were to connect to what is taking place at a deeper level, is that they have a strong fear of being abandoned. Through having this fear, it will be essential for them to make sure that they are not alone. And, as this is their main priority, they are not going to be too concerned about what another person is like. Their ability to think clearly, along with their intuition, will be put to one side. The Best Option The pain that one experiences by being around the wrong people is then not going to be seen as being as bad as how painful it would be if they were to not have anyone around. What this is likely to show is that one doesn’t just have a fear of being abandoned; they are also carrying the pain of being abandoned. One is going to have disempowering beliefs and they will have a fair amount of trauma in their body. This is likely to be the result of what took place during the beginning of their life, with this most likely being a time when they were neglected. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
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What can’t be denied is that no one is their own island; human beings need each other. This is why it has been said that although some people say that they are independent, this is nothing more than an illusion.
Therefore, while it might be hard for them to accept it, it doesn’t change the fact that they are interdependent. When someone can accept this, and doesn’t believe that there is anything wrong with needing others, their life is going to be a lot easier than it would be otherwise. A Small Part While their five senses can create the impression what they are separate from others, they will realise that they are part of a system. So, in the same way that it will take thousands of components for a car to work, there will be many different elements that allow them to live their own life. And, if these elements started to disappear, it would be only too clear how reliant they are on other things. Through accepting that they are interdependent and that they need others, there will be no reason for them to try to do everything by themselves. Lightening the Load Now, there will be times when one has a lot going on and simply wants to open up to another person. During these times, it won’t be necessary for another person to give them advice or to tell them what to do. This will then be an example of the saying, ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. This saying perfectly encapsulates how vital it is for someone to extend themselves to other people. Two Sides Along with one reaching out to others when they are not at their best, there will be what happens when they have other needs to fulfil. This can be what takes place when they have the need to experience intimacy. Once again, they won’t feel as though there is anything wrong with them having this need. As a result of what is taking place for them, they might end up looking for someone to start a relationship with. Close Connections At the same time, one could have a number of people in their life that they can hug and share their thoughts and feelings with. Being in an intimate relationship is then not going to be the only way for them to connect at a deeper level to another person. If they want to spend time by themselves and to recharge or reflect, for instance, they will be able to. Yet, if they want to spend time around others and to recharge that way, they will be able to do so. The Ideal When someone experiences life in this way, they are going to be less likely to suffer in silence. No matter what takes place in their life, they won’t have the need to keep it to themselves or to make out that everything is fine, even if it isn’t. In other words, one won’t need to go against their own nature by trying to do everything by themselves and, thereby, to deny the fact that they need others. However, while living in this way will allow them to live in alignment with their own nature, there are going to be plenty of people who don’t live in this way. A Radically Different Life When someone goes against their own nature and doesn’t feel comfortable reaching out to others, they are likely to be carrying a lot of weight on their shoulders. There is going to be a lot of mental and emotional baggage for them to handle by themselves. This doesn’t mean that they will never reach out for others; what it means is that this will be the exception as opposed to the norm. Their needs are unlikely to be seen as normal; they will most likely be seen as something shameful. One Big Challenge Thus, regardless of whether they are not in a good way or if they want to experience intimacy, they might rarely do anything about it. Due to being this way, they could spend a lot of their life feeling overwhelmed and as though they are running on empty – that is, of course, unless they spend a lot of time being emotionally shut down. What they may or may not realise, is that they are living in the wrong way. Perhaps one has lived in this way for as long as they can remember, causing them to believe that this is just how life is. The lesser of two evils In addition to feeling as though there is something wrong with their needs, they could also feel this way about themselves. Consequently, reaching out to others is not going to be something that is seen as pleasurable, it will be seen as something that is painful. Reaching out to others, or even thinking about doing so, can be something that causes them to experience a lot of shame. Not reaching out to others is then going to cause them to experience pain on the one hand, but on the other, it will stop them from being overwhelmed by shame. A Closer Look If someone experience life in this way, what it can show is that their caregivers were not very responsive to their needs. Their early years would then have been a time when their caregivers didn’t have the tendency to respond in a positive manner to their needs. When they expressed a need, they may have generally been ignored, rejected and/or put down. This would have gradually caused them to give up and to disconnect from their needs, and to not only believe that their needs were bad, but that they themselves were bad. Awareness The time in their life that should have allowed them to form a strong connection to their fellow human beings was then a time that caused them to disconnect from them, with them having an experience of being ostracised by the very people who were supposed to embrace them. This important connection wouldn’t have developed, setting them up to suffer. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it will be (surprise, surprise), essential for them to reach out for external support. Through the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance, they will gradually be able to heal their wounds and to accept, at a deeper level, that there is nothing wrong with them or their needs.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Why Do Some People Only Feel Good About Themselves When They're In A Relationship?28/11/2018
What one may find is that they are able to feel good themselves, even if they are not in a relationship. It will then be clear that they are not going to be dependent on anyone else in order to experience positive feelings.
Being this way is most likely going to stop them from starting a relationship with someone just because they feel down. It could be relatively easy for them to wait until they meet someone who they actually want to be with. A Different Need Therefore, if they do end up with someone, it will show that they actually want to share their life with them. Not only will there be an attraction between them, there will be the values that they have in common. This person is then going to add something to their life, just as one will add something to the other person’s life. Nonetheless, what is exchanged between them won’t be something that they should be providing to themselves. The Big Difference Ultimately, one will be behaving like an interdependent human being, as opposed to a dependent human being. There will be what they can give to themselves and there will be what they can’t. Receiving positive feedback from their partner will naturally have a nourishing effect on them. What will be different here is that the fire that is burning within them won’t go out if this person was to disappear. An Analogy One way to understand this would be to imagine that one had a dog before they met this person, they will have a dog when they are with them, and they will have a dog if it comes to an end. This dog will be treated differently throughout these different stages, but it will still be there. Their self-worth could take a slight dip if their relationship was to come to an end, but it might not be long until it rises up once again. They are then not going to end up hating themselves at this point. A Balanced Human Being In a way, their level of self-worth will serve a as safety net that will stop them from hitting rock bottom if their relationship comes to an end. They will be far more resilient than they would be otherwise. It may have taken them a number of years to get to this point in their own development. For most of their life, they may have been reliant on someone else; lacking the ability to experience positive feelings. A Different Scenario If, on the other hand, one finds that they are unable to feel good about themselves unless they are in a relationship, it is likely to show that they are emotionally dependent on other people when it comes to experiencing positive feelings. Now, someone like this could end up with just about anyone, or they might be far more selective. Either way, they are bound to end up putting a fair amount of pressure on another person to make them feel good. Needy Without realising it, one can view the other person as a parental figure. One will then be a child who is missing something and their partner will be an adult who is there to provide what they are messing. One of the things that will cause one to do what they can do keep the relationship going, will be the fear of what will happen if the relationship was to come to an end. The most important thing, then, is going to be for them to make sure that they are not single. A Big Effect Unlike the person above, one will have a dog when they are in a relationship but they won’t have had one before and they certainly won’t have one after. Being in a relationship is not going to turn up the good feelings that they already experience; it will cause them to experience feelings that they don’t usually experience. And, as they don’t usually experience these feelings, it is going to be normal for them to become dependent on their partner. This person will be seen as the source of these good feelings. A Long Way Down Therefore, if this person was to end the relationship, one is likely to end up feeling very low. To compensate for this, they could end up eating/drinking too much, or they could find someone else to plug the hole that has opened up within them. If one was to look back on their life, they may find that they have always found it hard to feel good about themselves. What this may illustrate is that their younger years were a time when they didn’t receive the type of care that they need to develop in the right way. Awareness In other words, they may have been abused and/or neglected when they were younger. The most important thing now, though, is that they do something about what is taking place. With the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance, they will gradually be able to heal themselves. It all starts with them taking the first step and not giving up on themselves.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperTeacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 1,712,000 Article Views Online. My Books...
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
Trapped Emotions
Childhood
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
Toxic Shame
Abandonment
Child Abuse
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Trapped Grief
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?
Boundaries
Inner Child
Childhood Trauma
People Pleasing
Loyalty
Trauma
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