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Whether one is at university, reading a self-development book, or talking to a friend about what has been taking place in their life, there is a phrase that they could end up hearing. The words that come before or after it could be different but there will be one word that is the same.
This could be a time when they will hear the word ‘trigger’ or ‘triggered’ at least once. Before this word become part of some people’s everyday vocabulary, it was generally only heard in a certain context. The Meaning So when it is said in today’s world, it usually denotes that someone has heard, read or seen something that has brought about a strong reaction in them. After they came across something externally, they would have experienced something internally. What they experienced internally wouldn’t have been pleasant though, as their inner world have been flooded with unpleasant thoughts, feelings, sensations and even memories. As a result of what took place internally, there would have been what happened after. Two Sides Through experiencing a strong reaction, they may have ended up becoming really angry and even aggression. If this took place, it could be said that one will have gone in to the fight response. If one didn’t respond in this way and just got away from where they were, it could show that they had gone into the flight response. Regardless of whether the former or the latter took place, it would have taken place instinctively. Another Outcome If either of these responses were not utilised, it could mean that one ended up just freezing and not doing anything for a while. Just as with the responses above, their thinking brain would have gone offline and their reptile brain would have taken over. Now, if one froze it is unlikely that anyone else ended up paying the price for what they were going through. On the other hand, if they went into flight or fight mode, this might not have been the case. For Example If one went into flight mode, they may have ended up walking away from something important. This may have been a meeting or it could have been a get together with a friend. Whereas if one went into fight mode, they may have ended up losing all control and even becoming violent. As was the case above, this may also have been a meeting or a get together with a friend. A New Response If one was to do this once it could cause them problems but, if they were to behave in this way on a regular basis, it could have a massive effect on their life. In a situation like this, the ideal might be for them to reach out for external support. By doing this, it would give them the chance to look into what is taking place inside them and to start to heal their inner wounds. This will stop them from being triggered as much and make it easier for them to operate as a whole human being The Other Side When one person is triggered, this will most likely have an impact on someone else. If one ends up experiencing a strong reaction and their behaviour completely changes, the other person might find it hard to understand what is going on. Even though they may have said or done something that was pretty innocuous, it could seem as though they have said or done something bad to this person. If they are not in a state of confusion, they could end up getting worked up. An Important Point What they will need to keep in mind at this point is that when another person has been triggered, their ability to think rationally will have probably gone out of the window. Thus, this person’s behaviour won’t be a reflection of who they truly are. They will be saying and/or doing things, but it will be as though something else has taken over their being. Taking all this into account, there will be no need for one to take what is said or done personally. In The Moment If one is aware of this when they are in the presence of someone who has been triggered, it can take away their confusion. It might even stop them from getting angry, if they have got to this point. The trouble with getting angry and going down to the same level as the person who has been triggered is that it can make it harder for the other person to snap out of the state that they are in. This will be like trying to put a fire out by pouring petrol on it. The Power of Presence Perhaps the best thing that one can do is to do what they can to stay in the moment and not to get sucked into what is taking place. The easiest thing would be for them to react - staying centred will be a lot harder. After all, they are a human being too, and this means that that they will also have their own wounds that can come to the surface doing such moments as these. When these are triggered, it will make it a lot harder for them to be in the moment and not to react. Awareness If one is present and they can stay connected to their heart, they won’t add any more fuel to a fire that is already blazing. When one is present and connected to their heart, they are more likely to know what to do. There are two things that one can do that will allow them to respond in this way; the first is to work through their inner wounds and second is to meditate. When it comes to healing inner wounds, the assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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As an adult, someone can see the opposite sex as being one way, or they can see them as being another way. A very black and white way of looking at this would be to say that they can see them in a positive light or they can see them in a negative light.
However, regardless of what view they have, there is the chance that they won’t merely see this as just a view that they have. As far as they are concerned, the view that they have can be seen as a reflection of what they are actually like. Just an Observer Therefore, even if there are areas of their life where they do believe that they have an effect on how they experience something; this won’t be one of them. In the same way that they will just look at the colour of a car, for instance, they will just be on the receiving end of positive or negative behaviour. Still, if they ever experience behaviour, or hear anything that goes against their usual experience, it might not have much of an impact on them. It might not stand out or it could soon leave their mind. Not a Problem Now, if one has a positive view of the opposite sex, it might not matter if they believe that they are not playing a part in the kind of experiences that they have with them. They will come into contact with them and they will generally have a good experience, meaning that this area of their life won’t be an issue for them. If ever they do come across a member of the opposite sex who is not very pleasant, they could just say to themselves that there are always exceptions. They may believe that this person has just had a bad day or is going through a tough time. A Problem On the other hand, if one doesn’t have a positive view of them, believing that they are not paying a part in the kind of experiences that they have with them is likely to be something that does matter. The reason for this that they will generally come into contact with the members of the opposite sex that are not pleasant, meaning that this area of their life will be an issue for them. If ever they come across a member of the opposite sex who is pleasant, they could say to themselves that this is just an act. This person could be seen as someone who has an ulterior motive, for instance. A Challenging Area Even if this person isn’t attracted to the opposite sex, they are still likely to come into contact with them in their day-to-day life and when they are at work. During their time at work, they could have a lot of trouble with them. And if they are attracted to the opposite sex, they may have had a number of abusive relationships. They may have got to the point where they no longer want to get that close to them again. External Support Most of the people that they spend time with could also have the same view of the opposite sex. What this can do is add even more weight to the view that they are playing no part in the experience that they have. It might stop there, though, as they could often overhear other people say the same things about the opposite sex. Along with this, there will be plenty of people online that have the same experiences as they do. Going Deeper Nonetheless, what if one is not simply an observer when it comes to this area of their life and is actually playing a part in the experiences that they have with the opposite sex? Thus, irrespective of what they experience, what they overhear and the information that they come across, they will be playing a part. What can’t be overlooked here is that they will be the common denominator, while the other members of the opposite sex will come and go. The question is: why would one see themselves as just an observer if they are actually playing a part? The Big Illusion If someone has identified with their mind and is unable to take a step back and to observe themselves, they won’t be able to see how their inner world is influencing their outer world. They will be caught up in what their eyes and ears tell them, which will stop them from realising that their mind is in control of what they see and hear. Consequently, one won’t be able to see that they are victimising themselves; it will be that other people are victimising them. When it comes to what they experience in the external world, their beliefs are going to play a big part. Way Back As for the beliefs that are most likely defining the experiences that they have with the opposite sex, these may have been formed when they were very small. This may have been a time in their life when a caregiver abused them in some way, with this caregiver being a member of the opposite sex. How this person treated them would then have ended up defining how they would go on to see all members of the opposite sex. At this stage of their life, their thinking brain might not have been online, preventing them from being able to see that this person didn’t represent every member of the opposite sex. Reality The years would have passed and what they came to believe at one point in time would have ended up being what is seen as the absolute truth at another. Due to how young they were when all this happened, there is the chance that their conscious mind doesn’t even remember what took place. Still, what they will be aware of is the effect that these beliefs are having on their life. The downside is that what they experience won’t be seen as coming from what they believe; it will just be seen as how life is. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to face their inner wounds, they may need to reach out for external support. The assistance of a therapist or a healer will allow them to go where they probably wouldn’t go by themselves. In addition to the beliefs that they will need to bring to the light and question, they may also be carrying a lot of trauma that needs to be resolved.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Why Would Someone Feel Smothered Whenever Their Partner Expresses Their Needs?20/10/2019
If someone is in a relationship, there are going to be needs that they will want their partner to meet and there will be needs that their partner will want them to meet. And while some of their needs will be different, a number of their needs will most likely be the same.
They will probably both have the need to be seen and heard, supported, encouraged, accepted, respected, appreciated, and to feel safe. There will then be there need for affection and the physical needs that they have, amongst other things. Other Moments At times, one or their partner may find that a certain need, or number of needs, is stronger than usual. As a result of this, they will expect far more from the other person that they would otherwise. What this could show is that one of them is under a lot of pressure and therefore needs a lot of support. For example, one of them may have started a new job or they may have received some bad news. Making It Clear However, although one of them may realise when their partner needs more support, for instance, there may be times when it is not clear. During these moments, it will be essential for them to make it clear. The reason why one of the might not notice is because they could be going through a tough time themselves, making it hard for them to notice that something isn’t right. The stress that they are under could mean that they are not as attuned to their partner as they usually are. Part of Life So by speaking out, there will be no need for one of them to blame the other and for unnecessary drama to arise. Due to the stress that they are already under, they are unlikely to want to create any more. The level of understanding that one of them shows their partner during this time could the same as the level of understanding that their partner shows them during such moments. After all, they are both imperfect human beings doing the best that they can. Another Element This is not to say that either of them will tolerate bad behaviour, but that they will make the effort to understand each other. Ultimately, they will be able to listen with their heart as well as their head. When they listen with their heart, their will empathise with the other and put their judgmental mind, along with their need to be right, to one side. This will make it easier for them to actually hear what the other person is saying. Another Reality Now, while some people generally won’t have a problem whenever their partner expresses their needs, there are going to be others that have a different experience. For someone like this, this could be something that it is often hard for them to handle. Their partner could then express a need and one could end up feeling frustrated and/or angry. Furthermore, they could tell their partner that they are needy and make out that they need to change their behaviour. One Reaction After hearing this, their partner could end up feeling rejected, and they could come to believe that they expect too much. If so, they may ignore certain needs or look towards someone else to fulfil them. If they do ignore certain needs, they may find that their mental and emotional health starts to suffer. And, if they end up looking towards someone else to meet them, their existing relationship is likely to suffer. What’s going on? If one does feel frustrated and/or angry whenever their partner expresses certain needs, it may show that they feel overwhelmed and as though their boundaries have been crossed. This may mean that they feel smothered when their partner expresses a certain need. One is then going to feel as though they have no control and that their partner is too much for them to handle. However, as one is an adult and they can make it clear if something is too much, it could be said that there is no reason of them to feel this way. Wide Open Taking into account how they feel, it is as if they are a defenceless child who has no control over what happens to them. If they were able to take a step back from how they feel, they may find that this is exactly how they feel and that they see their partner as a parental figure. What this may illustrate is that when their partner expresses a certain need, an old wound is triggered. Said another way, they will end up regressing to an earlier stage of their life. Back In Time When they were a powerless and dependent child or before this point in time, they may have had at least one caregiver who lacked boundaries and lacked the ability to attune to their needs. Consequently, this would have been a time when they felt smothered on a regular basis. This caregiver may have looked towards them to fulfil a number of their own needs, instead of being there to meet their needs. Through having this experience, one would have come to associate getting close to others with being overwhelmed and losing themselves. Awareness Many, many years will have passed since they were a small child, but what took place will still be having an impact on their life. This can be due to the beliefs that were formed and the trauma that they experienced. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
At the start of a relationship, one may find that their partner is fairly or even extremely responsive. What this means is that this person will listen to what they have to say, stop doing certain things if they have negative effect on them, and be open to feedback, amongst other things.
In other words, one will feel seen and heard by this person, and they will know that they exist when they are around them. Along with this, one will most likely behave in the same way when they are around this person. An Affirming Experience Being around someone like this is going to have a positive one ones mental and emotional health. There will be how they feel when they are in their presence and there will be how they feel when they are not. If they were to think about this person, they could think about how perfect they are and even how grateful they are that they have met someone like this. What this may show is that they have only been with them for a short period of time. An Uplifting Effect When they are not with this person, they could spend a lot of time thinking about them and going over the positive feelings that they have experienced with them. While this may mean that they are not as present as they usually are, their energy can be far better than it usually is. As a result of this, their friends, family and colleagues will know that something in their life has changed. They will probably know this anyway, but even if they were not aware of the fact that one is in a relationship, their general demeanour would more or less make this clear. A Harmonious Flow If one was to compare their relationship to something else, they might compare it to dancing. The reason for this is that, like a two people that dance together, both one and their partner will work together. In a dance, one person will move their body and the other person will move their body shortly after; whereas when it comes to their relationship, one of them will speak and the other will listen, for instance. One and their partner are then going to be working together, as opposed to working against each other. Staying Awake As their relationship progresses, both of them may find that it is a lot harder for them to be this way. However, thanks to their fondness for each other and their commitment to their own growth, they may do what they can to make sure that they don’t switch off. This may mean that one or both of them will need to learn more about relationships or that one of both of them will need to work with a therapist/healer. Ultimately, they will do what it takes to stay present and to be there for each other. Another Scenario Now, while this is what will take place in some relationships, there are going to be others where something very different occurs. Here, someone may find that their partner becomes less responsive as time goes by. In the beginning, then, they may have been fairly or even extremely responsive, but as time has passed this will have changed. It could be as if they are with a completely different person. Invisible So while they will have felt seen and heard during the start of their relationship, they won’t feel this way now. When they are with their partner, they may have moments when they wonder if they even exist. The reason for this is that it may seem as though their partner is not really there anymore. One could bring this up and talk about things that are bothering them, only to find that their partner is not listening or interested in what they have to say. One Outcome Or, even if there are moments when they pay attention to what one has to say, it doesn’t mean that anything will happen. Their partner could continue to behave in the same way as before. After experiencing this for a little while, one may end up shutting down. They will then have gone from being full of energy and feeling alive at one point, to having no energy and feeling dead at another. Self-Protection One will then still be in a relationship with this person, but like them, they will have checked out. Physically they will be there but they won’t be there emotionally, and this will have most likely taken place to protect them. Being in tune with how they feel around someone like this will be painful, so shutting down will be a way for them to minimize the amount of pain that they experience. The trouble is that while this may stop them from experiencing painful feelings, it will also stop them from experiencing pleasurable feelings. No Way to Live It will be as if one is trying to dance with someone who doesn’t want to move and this will have stopped them from trying to move. Their energy will have changed and it will be vital for them to do something about this. If their partner is not willing to communicate or to change their behaviour, they may need to cut their ties with them. The truth is that they don’t deserve to experience life in this way. Awareness If they are in a very low place and have lost touch with their inner strength, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. And if one finds that this is not the first time that this has taken place, there is a chance that they have a lot of inner wounds to heal. Perhaps their early years were a time when they also felt indivisible and had to shut down to survive.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When one has only just started to spend time with someone, they can find that just about everything runs smoothly. So whenever they are with the other person, they can feel good and even relaxed.
During this stage, they could believe that this is how it will always be and that they won’t ever experience conflict with this person. The weeks and months could then pass and this could be how it stays. A Different Experience However, even if it stays this way for a little while, there will probably come a time when they start to experience different feelings. What will play a big part here is that one will start to settle down, as will their partner, which can mean that they will become more authentic. Therefore, the type of things that wouldn’t have been said or done before, can end up being said and done. Along with this, the defences that they have dropped as time has gone by will have opened them up more and made them more vulnerable in the process. A Strong Reaction When they do experience feelings that are not particularly positive, it could be something that takes place after their partner has said something or done something. Here, one could end up getting really angry or they might feel really upset, for instance. After this has taken place, they could blame their partner; with it being clear to them that their partner is in the wrong. It could be this black and white, or they could be far more to it. Fuel on the Fire Nonetheless, even If their partner has done something wrong, it doesn’t mean that it will do their relationship any good if they end up laying into them. Their partner could keep their cool or they could become defensive. If they keep their cool and make it clear that they are sorry for what has taken place, one could find that they are soon able to settle down. It might not be long until their inner world is all over the place again, though. The Same Experience Before long one could have a very similar experience and, once again, they could lay into their partner. When this takes place, it could be as if one has been possessed by their emotions. Still, their partner could do what they can to make them feel better. If their partner has done something wrong, it could be said that it is perfectly normal for them to have got worked up and that they are not at fault. Stepping Back Nevertheless, if one started to develop the ability to observe their inner world and no longer allowed themselves to be controlled by how they feel, they may find that their partner is not always at fault for how they feel. What they could find is that there are times when their partner simply triggers pain that is already inside them. Having the ability to contain how they feel as opposed to directing it outwards, will most likely decrease the amount of conflict that arises in their relationship. Something will be triggered and one can be with how they feel, preventing a molehill from becoming a mountain. Boundaries What this comes to is that even though one is in a relationship with someone else, they have their own reality (as does their partner). With a strong sense of who they are and a clear understanding of where they begin and end, it will be easier for them to own how they feel. So through developing their ability to observe their inner world and working on their boundaries, they will be able to heal their inner wounds. Whenever they experience a strong reaction, there is the chance that a wound has been brought up to the surface. Back In Time An emotional wound may go back to something that has taken place in their adult life or it could go back to what took place when they were younger. Either way, it will be essential for them to heal it if they want to become a more integrated human being. The reason for this is that when they were wounded, a part of themselves would have most likely been split-off. Thus, in order for them to reclaim this part of themselves, they will need to embrace it, feel the pain and to gradually integrate it. A New Meaning By seeing their pain in this way, being triggered will still be painful but they might no longer see it as something that is bad or negative. It will be a lot easier for them to surrender to how they feel and to grow. Along with this, they can come to believe that one reason why they would be drawn to someone is to heal themselves. The person they are with is then going to be there to serve in their evolution, as one will be there for serve in their partner’s evolution. Awareness Without self-awareness, it is not going to be possible for one to realise that another person is only bringing up to the surface what is already held inside them. Self-awareness is what will set them free; free from a victim mentality, free from giving their power away and free from living a reactive life. If one has got to the point where they can see that they have inner wounds and these wounds are making it hard for them to function, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, that’s if they were to get into a relationship, is that they start to lose touch with who they are. So as the weeks and months go by, they will be nothing like they were in the beginning.
Or to be more precise, they will be nothing like the person they were when they first met this person. As a result of this, their life is also likely to be very different to how it was before. Part of It Of course, it is going to be normal for one to change and for their life to change when they are in a relationship. Yet, even though this will happen, there is naturally a big difference between there being a change and one becoming someone else and for their whole life to change. If one was to take a step back and to reflect on what has taken place, they could struggle to understand what is going on. They might not recognise themselves any more or the life that they lead. At The Start So, when they first met this person, it would have been normal for them to listen to their own needs and to do things that were in alignment with them. What this means is that one would have had a good connection with their inner world. Through having this connection, their life would have been an expression of who they were. Or if their life wasn’t how they wanted it, a lot of it would have been a reflection of how they wanted it to be. After A Little While After a few weeks or months, one may have started to do what they could to please their partner. Along with this, they may have done what they thought would please their partner. Therefore, instead of being aware of what was taking place inside them and what was going on around them, they would have been out of touch with what was taking place inside them. This would have meant that they were neglecting themselves and putting their partner’s needs first. A Positive Experience However, as they were so caught up in doing what they could to please their partner, they probably wouldn’t have realised that they were neglecting themselves. Furthermore, this may have been something that felt good. Through being easy going and happy to go along with what their partner wanted, they would have most likely received a lot of positive feedback. What was good at one point would then have turned into something bad at another. One Outlook If one wasn’t able to step back and to see that they played a part in what took place, they could see themselves as a victim. The other person would then have taken advantage of them. Coming to this conclusion would allow them to feel good, at least for a short while, but what it probably wouldn’t do is allow them to change their life. Thankfully, they won’t have fallen into this type of thinking. Getting To the Root The first thing that one could look into is why they felt the need to focus on their partners needs and to ignore their own. If this hadn’t of taken place, there would have been no reason for them to lose themselves. And even if their partner had wanted them to do this, they would have been able to assert themselves. They would have been two separate people before they got into a relationship and there was no reason for them to merge with the other person once they got into one. Going Deeper The fact that one was happy to please their partner, while completely disregarding themselves in the process most likely shows that not doing so was seen as something that would put their survival at risk. This is not to say that this was something that went through their conscious mind. Nonetheless, part of them would have believed that they had to do what this person wanted in order to survive. This part of them could be seen as their child self or inner child. Two Experiences So although their conscious mind would have seen this person as just someone who they were attracted to, their unconscious mind would have seen them as a caregiver. What this may show is that it wasn’t safe for them to express their true-self during their early years. Many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but the child they once were will now live inside them. To this part of them, the only way that it will be able to survive will be to ignore its own needs and to do what other people want. Awareness As one is an adult it obviously isn’t necessary for them to please other people to be able to survive, but until they start to resolve their inner wounds, it will be a challenge to accept this at the core of their being. Until this takes place, this part of them will continue hijack their conscious mind and make it hard for them to listen to themselves. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It has been said that human beings have a strong need to form deep and meaningful connections. These are then not the type of connections where only surface level things are spoken about and an emotional distance is kept.
With this type of connection, someone will share what is taking place in their mind, their heart and allow themselves to be vulnerable, and the other person will do the same thing. Neither of them will keep an emotional distance, thereby allowing them deeply connect to each other. One Area Now, this is something that someone can experience when they are in a relationship with someone, but this is not the only type of relationship where something like this can be experienced. And if it was, one would end up expecting a lot from their partner. Not only can one experience this with their partner, they can also experience it with their friends, family and even their colleagues. The connection that they have with these people will strengthen them in a number of ways and one will most likely strengthen the people in their life through being there for them. A Distant Dream However, although these kinds of connections are so important when it comes to someone’s mental, emotional and even physical wellbeing, there are plenty of people on this planet that don’t experience deeper connections with others. It could be said that there will be at least two experiences that someone can have when this is the case. On one side, this can just be what is normal, meaning that they won’t even be aware of the fact that they don’t a have deeper connection with others. Connecting at a deeper level with someone else is then not going to be something that crosses their mind. A Big Price to Pay Yet, even if this is the case, they are not going to be able to avoid the consequences of experiencing life in this way. For example, they could have moments when they feel down and even lonely, but they could soon end up disconnecting from this pain. The feelings will be there to tell them that something isn’t right, but they won’t pay attention to this information. They may have a number of ways to keep their pain at bay and to make themselves feel better. Another Experience On the other side, experiencing life in this way could be incredibly frustrating as one could be in tune with their need to form deeper connections with others. The fact that they are not able to connect with anyone deeply is then going to consume their mind. This could still be what is normal but it won’t be something that they are comfortable with. Due to how long their life has been this way for, one could believe that there is absolutely nothing that they can do to change their life. Powerless Through having this outlook, it is not going to be a surprise if they have a victim mentality. Their life won’t be how they want it to be and they will believe that they can’t to do anything about it, so this is to be expected. Even if they do have close friends, for instance, they might not have been able to get close to a romantic partner. What they want to experience will have always been just out of their reach. Two Parts If they were able to take a step back and to reflect on why they experience life in this way, what they may end up finding is that this is what feels comfortable. On one level, they will want to get closer to another person but, on a deeper level, they will fear getting close to another person. What they could do, after they have come to see this, is to do some research online and to see what is going on. This could be a time when they will come to see that they have a fear of intimacy. Moving Forward To their unconscious mind/body, getting close to another person is then not going to be seen as something positive; it will be seen as something negative. In fact, it can be seen as something that is a threat to their very survival. One could come to believe that they just need to face this fear and to allow themselves to get close to others. It could be as though what they fear has no basis in reality, which is why they just need to go through it. Another Approach This may work or what one may find is that they end up being overwhelmed by fear and even end up shutting down when they try to get close to others. One could be told that this will no longer happen if they change their thoughts and work on their beliefs, for instance. One may find that this is the case; then again, one might get a sense that they need to do something else. As a result of how long they have avoided intimacy for and how much fear arises when they try to get close to someone, it could be clear that there is more to this than just what is taking place up top. In The Body What this may show is that they are carrying a fair amount of trauma in their body, with this being the reason why it is not possible for them to get close to others. When this does happen, all the pain inside them will be triggered and end up overwhelming them in the process. When this takes place, it may seem as though their life is going to come to an end. This could be a time when they experience anxiety, fear and even terror, and their whole body could tighten up or go into fight or flight more. What’s going on? One might find it hard to understand what is going on, especially as getting close to someone should feel comfortable. Still, if one was able to get in touch with what took place during their early years, it might make complete sense. During this stage of their life, they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. This wouldn’t have been a time when they felt safe, secure and loved; it would have most likely been a time when they often felt overwhelmed and as though their life was going to end. Protection To deal with all this pain, they would have had to disconnect from how they felt and they might have even armoured themselves. Building a wall around themselves would have allowed then to survive. For their life to change, one will probably need to resolve the trauma that is being held in their body and mind. As this takes place, their three brains (thinking, emotional and survival) will start to settle down and the wall that they have built to protect themselves will start to come down. Awareness This is something that can take place by using something called somatic experiencing or TRE. Naturally, their life won’t change overnight but it will change providing they keep going and don’t give up on themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one was single and they were to meet someone who showed a lot of interest in them, they could find that they end up being drawn to them. And what might also play a part here is that one may be physically attracted to them.
Through being in this person’s presence, one could start to experience a lot of positive feelings. In a way, it could be as if this person is a breath of fresh air; with them being someone who has come into their life to make it better. A Fast Build Up After the first encounter, it might not be long until the other person is acting in a ways or talking about things that wouldn’t usually take place or be mentioned for quite some time. It will be clear that the other person doesn’t want to take their time and to allow everything to develop organically. It will be like starting in first gear and going straight into the last gear; instead of starting in first and gradually moving through each gear. At this point, one could have put their thinking brain to one side and be completely caught up in what is going on. For Example So after one has had their first encounter with this person, their phone could constantly go off. This can be a time when this person will message and call them, telling them how much they like them, how special they are and the type of things that they want to do with them, for instance. This person could also say that they should move in together and go into what their future will be like. Additionally, one may find that this person sends them gifts while they are at work and they could come across love notes and letters from them. The Next Stage After they have seen each other a few times or only known each other for a matter of weeks, the other person could ask them if they are now in a relationship. They could even go one step further than this by talking about how much they love them. And if they do end up moving in together after such a short period of time, one could spend even less time with others. In fact, ones whole life could end up revolving around their partner - someone they have only just met. On Top Of the World At this point one could feel as though they are on cloud nine, with them basking in positive feelings and the loving behaviour of their partner. Nonetheless, it might not be long until their partner starts to change. Now that this person has pulled one in, they could end up trying to control how they live their life. If one doesn’t do what they want, they might find that their partner leaves or that it is not possible to get hold of them. Hot and Cold This person will have done everything that they could to warm them up in the beginning and, how that they have them in the palm of their hands, so to speak, they will take advantage of them. Due to their fear of losing their partner and being rejected and/or abandoned, one can have the need to do whatever their partner wants them to do. If this means no longer seeing their friends and family, putting their interests to one side and/or neglecting their own health, for instance, they will do it to try to regain their ‘love’. Ultimately, one will have become hooked on their partner’s attention or the dopamine that they trigger inside them, which is why they won’t feel good when their attention is no longer there. Drawing the Line One could then do what their partner wants and before long, they could pull away again. They might turn up in a few days or it could be a number of months before they reappear. Clearly, having this person in their life is not doing them any good, and the sooner they cut their ties with them the better. There are a number of things that they can do to gradually get back on their feet and to regain their energy. A Few Steps Firstly, it will be a good idea for one to no longer speak to this person in person, over a screen, or over the phone. If this person won’t accept this, one may need to get in touch with the police. Secondly, it will be good for them to get back in touch with family and friends, so that they can go over what took place and gain their support. Thirdly, taking time to do what they enjoy will make it easier for them to take their mind of this person, and, fourthly, they may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance. Stepping Back It could be said that just about anyone could be love bombed, yet there are going to be things that will make one more susceptible to this type of behaviour. And if one has gone through this experience on more than one occasion, it is likely to show they need to take a deeper look into why this keeps taking place. However, this is not about one blaming or shaming themselves for what has taken place; it is simply about them taking a step back and looking into what they might need to do to prevent this from taking place again. This is about awareness as if one can see that there is a reason why this keeps taking place; they can do something about it. A Closer Look If they were to do this, what might become clear is that they don’t feel good about themselves. Therefore, as soon as someone comes along and gives them so much positive feedback, they drink it all up. Said another way, they are in a position where they desperately want someone to love them. Consciously or unconsciously, a love bomber realises this and ends up exploiting their weakness. An Easy Target If one did value themselves, they wouldn’t need as much from another person, and this would enable them to be more discerning when it comes to who they allow into their life. And as opposed to feeling good when another person comes on strong right at the start, they might end up feeling as though something isn’t right. They might realise that as this person knows very little about them, it probably shows that they are trying to manipulate them. The love that they have for themselves will also allow them to have strong boundaries. Additional Points Furthermore, through valuing who they are, they would most likely have a number of close friends who they can share their life with. These people would then be there to give them feedback and to support them. Another part of this is that one would also do things that they enjoy and this would strengthen them and fill their life with meaning. They would value themselves enough not to neglect themselves. The Reason If one was to find that they don’t value themselves, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time in their life when they were abused and/or neglected. Thanks to how they were treated, they would have come to believe that they were worthless and they may carry the pain of being rejected and abandoned. Being treated badly is then going to be something that feels comfortable at a deeper level. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to embrace their inherent value, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. There will be the negative beliefs that that they need to question and replace, and there will be the emotional wounds that they need to heal. The main thing is that one does what they need to do and doesn’t give up on themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone is an adult, it could be said that they won’t need the same things that they needed when they were a child. This comes down to the fact that they will have grown out of a number of these needs.
As a result of this, what they look for from others is going to be different to what they looked for from their caregivers. Therefore, there will be what they needed then and there will be what they need now. Far more to it Yet, although this can sound accurate, this might not actually be the case. One will no longer be a child, that much is clear; but that doesn’t mean that they always feel like an adult and therefore, only have adult needs. It might be hard to understand how some of one’s need’s can be child needs, even though they look like an adult. Their external appearance is then not going to completely match up with what is taking place inside them. Adult Needs Ones child needs are going to mix with their adult needs, which can make it hard for them to know if they are operating from their adult self or their child self. When they are coming from their adult self, their needs can be reasonable. For example, one can need another person to listen to them, to treat them with respect, to accept them, and to support them, amongst other things. This will apply to their friendships and to their romantic relationships. Looking Closer The things that they need from others are likely to be the same things that other people need from them; that is unless they are operating from their child self. If they are not the same, they are likely to be very similar. This is not to say that one is entitled to things but, if someone is unable to fulfil needs like these, they can find someone who can. If they value themselves, they are not going to want to spend time with someone who is unable to meet their basic needs. Child Needs On the other hand, when one is operating from their child self, their needs can be anything but reasonable. For example, one can need another person to always be available, to love and accept them unconditionally, to make them the most important person in their life, and to always put their needs first. And, although one can look towards their friends to fulfil these needs, they are more likely to look towards a romantic partner to fulfil them. Their romantic partner could also look to them to fulfil the same needs. Totally Unrealistic At the beginning of a relationship, it may be possible for someone to meet a number of the needs that their child self has. Nonetheless, as time goes by, this could start to change. There may be times when their partner has other things going on and is unable to see them, and there will be other things in their life that are also important to them. Ultimately, unlike a caregiver, this person won’t always be available and neither will they be there to fulfil all of their needs. Conflict If one is unable to realise that they have merged with their child self, and are expecting things that can’t be provided, they can get angry at their partner. One could come to believe they are with the wrong person and they might soon find someone else. Ending the relationship and finding someone else may allow them to fulfil some of the needs of their child self, but they will probably end up in the same position before long. The key will be for them to become aware of what is taking place and to change their approach. Waking Up Firstly, they will need to become aware of when they are merging with their child self, and secondly, they will need to give this part of them what it needs. If their child self is in a lot of pain, it can be hard for them to be with this part of them. They will merge with this part of them and, once they become aware of what is going on, they could lay into themselves. It will be essential for them to be kind to themselves during this time. Inner Child Work If someone’s child self is not in a good way and is very needy, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. As a child, then, they wouldn’t have received what they needed to be able to develop in the right way. Many years will have passed since they were a small child, but the child that they once were will now exist inside them. This part of them will want to be seen and heard, and to express what it couldn’t say all those years ago. Awareness When one is in touch with their adult self and is able to be there for their child self, they can reparent the child that is inside them. This will allow one to give this part of them what it didn’t receive all those years ago. To be able to do this, however, one may need to reach out for external support. With the assistance of a therapist or healer, one may find that they are able to be there for their inner child and not to completely lose themselves. This external support will allow them to work through some of their pain and to develop their adult self in the process. The stronger their adult self gets, the easier it should be for them to hold the space for this part of them and to heal themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can A Past Life Connection Cause Someone To Stay In A Dysfunctional Relationship?3/8/2019
If someone was to come to the conclusion that they are in a relationship that is not very healthy, they could look into what they could do to change it. Through taking this approach, it will give them the chance to see if anything can be done.
There will most likely be what they will need to do and then, there will be the part that their partner needs to play. So, if they are both willing to do what needs to be done, it might only be a matter of time before this area of their life changes. A Dead End Then again, one may find that their partner says that they are willing to change, but that’s as far as it goes. This could be something that they will end up saying more than once, which will make it clear that they are all talk and no action. At the same time, their partner could make out that their relationship is fine or they could say that they themselves are not the ones who need to change. Either way, it will be crystal clear that their relationship is not going to get any better; in fact, it is likely to get a lot worse. Moving Apart One can then cut their ties with this person or they can continue to stay in a relationship that doesn’t serve them. If they move on, it will allow them to heal and to look into what they may need to do to find a more suitable match. On the other hand, if they stay with this person, they will be undermining themselves. If they do stay with them, what they may find that they are no longer emotionally connected to them. It’s Finished The emotional part of their being may have ended up shutting down in order to protect themselves from pain. To be in touch with how they felt may have been too painful, especially as their partner is no longer responding to their needs. They can then live together but it can be as if they live a million miles away from each other. At this point, it will be a relationship that takes a lot from them and gives them very little in return. Inner Conflict For their own sanity, it will be essential for them to muster up the courage and to move on with their life. What will make this easier is if they reach out for the support of friends and family, for instance. After all, one is not their own island; they are an interdependent human being. What can also help is for them to think about how much worse their life will be if they don’t break up with their partner. A Slightly Different Scenario Now, if one is in a dysfunctional relationship it will be bad enough, but it could be even worse if they are with someone who they have a really close bond with. What this could mean is that they are with someone who they have been with before. However, this won’t be someone who they were with a few months or even a few years ago; it will be someone who they had a relationship with in a previous life. On one level, being with this person will be causing them all kinds of problems but, on another level, they can feel like they are supposed to be together. A Strong Attachment One may have tried to make their relationship better and their partner may have also tried, yet it won’t have taken the relationship down a different path. If one didn’t see this person as someone who they have a past life connection with, they may have left a long time ago. Being with this person will be having a negative effect on their mental and emotional health, yet another part of them will be holding on. To this part of them, leaving this person could be seen as something that would cause their life to come to an end. Another Perspective If one was to open up to someone else about what they are going through, they could end up being told that they are addicted to this person. And that what is holding them together is anything but love. After hearing this, one could dismiss what this person has said, believing that they simply doesn’t understand. Alternatively, this could have a profound effect on them, making them realise how toxic their relationships actually is. Back To Their Senses If this does happen, one will be able to pay attention to what is happening now, not what happened in another life. Focusing on what is going on now, and allowing this to dictate how they behave, will be far better for their wellbeing than focusing on what happened a long time ago. Or to be more accurate, it will be far better than focusing on what is happening in another life that is also happening now, as the past and even the future are all supposed to be taking place in the eternal now. Anyway, it will be their current life that they need to pay attention to and to allow this to govern their decisions. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they can see that they are hooked on someone who is not a good match for them, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. During this time, they may need to work through trauma that they experienced as a child as well as trauma that they experienced in another life.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperTeacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online. Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
Trapped Emotions
Childhood
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
Toxic Shame
Abandonment
Child Abuse
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Trapped Grief
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?
Boundaries
Inner Child
Childhood Trauma
People Pleasing
Loyalty
Trauma
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