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There are people out there that are in an open relationship and then there are people out there that aren’t. When it comes to a relationship that is monogamous, it could be said that there will only be two people involved.
Unlike the other type of relationship, each person will only need to think about one other person. If they were not in this type of relationship, they would both have far more people to think about. A Very Different Dynamic Each person would have an attachment to the other and they would both have an attachment to other people. Due to what is going on, a lot of their time could be spent on this area of their life. Conversely, both of them might not have a strong emotional connection to each other or to the other people in their life. Thus, while both of them will share their bodies with each other and others, not much else will be shared. On The Surface However, although each of their relationships won’t have much depth, they are still going to require a lot of their time and energy. As a result of this, they could both get to the point where they are no longer interested in experiencing life in this way and want more depth. What started off as fun at the beginning could now be seen as something that is tiresome. After coming to this conclusion, they may believe that it would be better to just be with each other or one other person. A Different Experience When it comes to this type of relationship, someone is only going to have to be there for one other person. In this type of relationship, more of them may have to show up and there could be far more growth involved than there would be otherwise. Undoubtedly, having an open relationship will bring challenges but a lot of these challenges are likely to be different to the ones that arise in a monogamous relationship. One reason for this is that through forming a deeper connection with one person as opposed to a more surface-level connection with a number of people, different inner wounds are likely to come to the surface. An Analogy One way of looking at the difference would be to compare short distance running with long distance running. Being able to run for a short distance will take a certain type of fitness, while being able to run for a long-distance will take another. In both cases, there will be challenges, but the latter will take more strength and energy than the former. Ergo, to go further will require one to dig deeper and to face pain that they wouldn’t have had to face. A Half-Truth Now, while they will only be with one person, it doesn’t mean that there will only be two of them in the relationship. The reason for this is that they are both going to have an inner child. One's inner child, along with the other person’s inner child, is often going to have an impact on how they behave. Having this understanding will allow one to be more understanding and for their partner to be the same. For Example As the relationship grows and develops, inner wounds are going to be triggered and this can cause both of them to behave in ways that are out of character. During this time, their inner child will take over and their adult self will go offline. If one has this understanding, it will be a lot easier for them to understand what is going on when this does happen and to not take it personally. The same will apply to one's partner when ones inner child takes over. The Alternative If one doesn’t have this understanding, they can get caught up in what happens when their partner's inner child takes over and this will make it hard for them differentiate their wounded child self from their adult self. Further, it will be more difficult for them to empathise with their partner and to be compassionate. Ultimately, this part themselves can simply take over, so it won’t be as though their partner is consciously choosing to behave in a way that is destructive or harmful, for instance. It will be important for them to keep in mind that they themselves will also have moments like this and they are likely to appreciate having partner who can see beyond what is going on. The Other Element Being aware that they have an inner child that will sometimes take over is one part; the other part will be for them to take responsibility for what happens. Being aware of what is going on and taking the steps to heal what has been triggered will allow them to resolve what is going on and for their relationship to progress. If one, or their partner, doesn’t have the awareness or take the steps to resolve what has been triggered, it is going to be a lot harder for the relationship to progress. Over time, it could cause their partner, or them, to emotionally or physically leave the relationship. Awareness If one can relate to this and they need additional support, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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It is one thing for someone to be in a relationship and it is another thing altogether for their emotional self to also be involved. The former involves one being with another person, the latter involves them opening up and actually being emotionally connected to them.
Taking this into account, just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that every part of their being will be involved. It could be seen as the difference between one just putting their hand in the sea and getting their whole body wet. A Big Difference If someone only shares their body with another person and not their heart, it is not going to be a relationship that has much depth. They can talk about what they have been doing and even express certain feelings, but it will be missing an essential component. However, while this will be so, the experiences that they have shared with their partner and the times that they have spent with them may have caused them to form an attachment to them. It probably won’t be an attachment that is unpinned by love, one that they feel strongly in their heart, but it will be there nevertheless. Totally Unaware What is taking place might not stand out for them, though, and this is because it could be what is normal. Only having certain parts of their being in a relationship could be what has taken place for a very long time. Their relationship is then going to lack real depth, yet they are not going to feel as though anything is lacking. When it comes to their friendships, these might not have much depth either. Business as Usual As time goes by, their partner could get to the point where what one is providing is not enough. They might have been more open-hearted at the beginning and/or have become more open-hearted as time has passed. One might be happy for things to carry on as they are though, thanks to them not being in touch with their need to form a deeper connection. The relationship as it is might be fine in their eyes. Resistance If one was to think about changing the relationship and even getting closer to their partner, they could soon start to experience inner tension. They might believe, at this point, that their partner wants too much and is needy. It is then not that they themselves are emotionally shut down and are the ones who need to open up; it is that their partner has issues that need to be sorted. If one was to dig deep, they may find that the thought of getting emotionally close to their partner causes them to feel trapped and smothered. Divine Intervention For this relationship to move to the next stage of its evolution, it will be essential for one to realise that they have some emotional work to do. If this doesn’t take place, their partner will have to compromise themselves or to tolerate something that is not truly serving them. If their relationship is to work out, one will need to become aware of what is going on and to work through the baggage that arises. This can end up being a time when they will learn a lot about themselves and why they are the way that they are. Diving Deep Firstly, one will need to look into why they are emotionally shut down and why they struggle to give and to receive love. Secondly, they will need to look into why they would see their partner as wanting too much and being needy simply for expressing their desire for more depth. When it comes to the first challenge, it is likely to show that they have had a least one experience that has been too much for them to handle. To handle what took place, they would have ended up disconnecting from their body and shutting down emotionally. A Traumatised State Regardless of whether this took place a number of years ago or a number of decades ago, for instance, it will continue to have an effect on their being and how they respond to life. If they were to reflect on what took place during their early years, they may find that this was a challenging time in their life. Perhaps this was a time when they didn’t receive the love and care that they needed to develop in the right way. This may have been a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect, and one of their caregivers, due to a lack of boundaries, may have got too close to them. The Other Part If this is so, it will make sense as to why they perceive their partner as wanting too much and they feel trapped at the thought of getting emotionally close to them. What this will illustrate is that how they felt in the company of their caregiver who got to close is being brought to the surface by their partner. When this pain is triggered, one will then unconsciously see their caregiver in the same way as they saw their caregiver all those years ago. The outcome of all this is one won’t be able to be present and to see their partner for who they are. Drawing the Line If they do become aware of what is going on, they will be able to deal with what doesn’t belong to their partner. One way of looking at this would be to say that this will be a time when one will be emotionally separating from their caregiver/s, leaving behind what no longer serves them. They might not longer live with their caregivers, and these people might not even be alive, but emotionally, they will still be strongly attached to them. This process won’t happen overnight and this is why it will take patience and persistence. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When it comes to how someone perceives another person and the experiences that they have with them, it might not seem as though they are having much of an effect. One is then just aware of what this person is like and when they spend time with them, they won’t be playing a part, either.
Therefore, one is just going to be an observer in both cases, which means that they won’t have much control. If they have a good view of another person and they generally get on with them, this won’t be an issue. Another Scenario On the other hand, if their view of another person is not particularly great and their experiences with them are not much better, they won’t be able to turn a blind eye to this person. If this is someone who they work with, they are going to see them on just about every day of the week. There can be what takes place when they are around this person and what goes through their mind about them when they are not. At the very least, this person is going to take a lot of their energy. Back In Time If they were to reflect on how they saw this person and the experiences that they had with them when they first came into contact with them, they may find that their view and the experiences that they had with them were different. Thus, over time this would have gradually changed. Also, there could be a number of other people where they work that don’t have an issue with this person. As a result of this, these people might wonder why, that’s if they know, one is not the same. A Different Experience However, if one can’t relate to this, what they may find is that the above scenario has played out in a relationship that they are in. Furthermore, it may have taken place in a number of other relationships that they have had. In the beginning, then, they may have had one view of the person and had certain experiences with them, and, as time has passed, this will have gradually changed. Thanks to this, it could seem as though the other person has completely changed. Two Extremes The other person will have been one way earlier on and now they will be totally different. What this could mean is that one may have seen the other as having emotional control and now they see them as having anger problems. Or, they could have seen them as someone who was fairly easy going and now they could see them as being controlling. Regardless of what is going on for them, it won’t be the same as it was. An Important Question Now, although one may believe that they are just an observer and are not playing a part in what is going on, what if there is more to it? What if this relationship, along with others, is simply mirroring back what they need to resolve inside themselves? If this is so, it would mean that they are not merely an observer of their reality; they are both the observer and the creator of it. Nonetheless, in order for them to realise what is going on, they will naturally need to take a deeper look into how their mind works. Back In Time Deep inside them, they are likely to have a number of inner wounds, and most, if not all, of these wounds, are likely to be the result of what took place during their early years. As time passed, though, their conscious mind would have ended up losing touch with most of them. But, while these wounds will be a mystery to their conscious mind, they will still be in their unconscious mind. And as they are there, it means that they will play a part in who they are drawn to and what they ‘see’ in the people who they do end up with. A Blank Screen So even though a lot of the wounds that are inside them are likely to relate to what their parent/s did or didn’t do, they are going to be projected into other people. For example, it won’t be that one is angry at their parent but can’t acknowledge this or that one parent lacked boundaries and they haven’t dealt with feeling violated; it will be that another person has anger problems or lacks boundaries. It would be easy to see projection as being something that is bad or negative, but this would miss the point entirely. Due to the nature of the mind and how it will do what it can to avoid pain, it means that, in general, what is taking place internally can’t be known directly. Self-Knowledge Defences mechanisms, such as projection, are then what will allow one to become aware of what is taking place inside them. Yet, if they are demonised or there is not even an awareness of them, this won’t take place. The key will for one to reflect on the fact that they are not just an observer of their life and that what shows up is a reflection of what is going on in both their conscious and unconscious mind. To do this can require a certain amount of ego strength, or one can just feel like a victim and blame themselves or they can become defensive and blame others. Awareness If one can see that they have been projecting their issues into others, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are those that feel comfortable in their own company and in the company of others, and there are those that don’t. When it comes to the former, it is likely to show that someone has a strong sense of self.
Due to how developed they are, they won’t feel empty when they are by themselves and they won’t lose themselves when they are around others. One way of looking at this would be to say that they will have the best of both worlds. One Option When they are in their own company, they will have the opportunity to connect to what is taking place inside them. So, in addition, to being able to reflect on what has been going on in their life, they will be able to connect to their needs and feelings. If this didn’t take place and they were always around others, they would probably lose touch with who they are and their true essence. It wouldn’t matter how strong their sense of self was as, over time, what is going on around them would still have an impact on them. Another Option When they are in their own company, they will be able to connect deeply to others. What they receive when they are around others will be things that they are unable to receive when they are by themselves. In other words, they will be an interdependent human being, not an independent human being. If they could give themselves everything that they needed, they wouldn’t need others. A Different Reality Therefore, if someone spends most of their time around others, it could mean that they won’t have a good connection with themselves. Most, if not all, of their life, might not reflect who they really are. But, if they have a strong need to avoid spending time by themselves, this might not be something that crosses their mind. In a way, this will be a compromise that they are happy to make, albeit unconsciously. The Other Extreme On the other hand, if someone spends most of their time by themselves, they may have a good connection with themselves. Nonetheless, what they will miss out on will be the benefits of human connection. This could be how they have consciously chosen to behave, or they could be far more to it. Thanks to what takes place when they do spend time around others, they may just feel more comfortable in their own company. Past Experiences If they used to spend more time around others, they may often felt restricted and found it hard to maintain their sense of self. The way for them to deal with this would have been to only spend a small amount of time around others. Even if this was the case, their need to connect to others could still cause them to extend themselves to others at certain times. When this does happen, it might not be long until they feel the need to retract once more. Stepping Back If they were to take a step back and to reflect on what takes place when they are around others, they may find that they feel smothered and trapped. They may even find that it is often hard for them to breathe. As they are a human being and these people are also human beings, it might be hard for them to understand why they feel this way. They may have felt this way if they have been in an intimate relationship too. Confusion Not only would this have confused them, it would have most likely also confused the person they were with. Simply being with this person may have caused them to feel smothered and trapped, without them needing to do anything in particular. Consciously, what is taking place will be a mystery to them and those they have crossed paths with. However, if they were able to remember what took place during their early years, how they experience life as an adult could start to make sense. Way Back At the start of their life, they would have been defenceless; they wouldn’t have been able to protect themselves. This is why they would have needed caregivers who were in tune with them. But, although this is what they needed in order to develop in the right way and to develop boundaries, they may have had at least one caregiver who was emotionally shut down and thus, wasn’t able to respond to their needs. The outcome of this is that one may have been smothered on a regular basis, causing them to feel trapped. The Body Remembers If this wasn’t the first time that they felt this way, it could mean that it relates to what took place during their birth or whilst they were in their mother’s womb. Irrespective of when they first felt this way, though, it would have been when their brain wasn’t very developed. This would have stopped them from being able to form memories of what was taking place. The years would have passed, and what took place will be in the past, but the effects of what took place will have stayed inside them. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Nowadays, it is not uncommon for the term ‘fear of intimacy’ to be thrown around. In general, it is more likely that someone will use this term to describe another person than to describe themselves.
One reason for this is that it is usually easier for someone to spot this in other than it is for them to spot it in themselves. This comes down to the fact that they will have a mind that causes them to see themselves as merely an observer of their life, as opposed to a co-creator of it. A Hurdle As a result of this, someone can endlessly attract people that are not emotionally available and not take a step back to see if they are playing a part in what is going on. These people will be at fault, with them having no control over what is playing out. There may be times when this allows them to feel better, and even more evolved, than these people, but it is likely to cause them to feel totally powerless when it comes to this area of their life. For them to change their life, it will be essential for them to take a step back and to see what part they are playing in what is going on. The Meaning Anyway, when this term is used, it is going to mean that someone fears getting emotionally close to another person. Therefore, while they will be able to share both their mind and their body with another human being, that will be about as far as it will go. Opening their heart and emotionally connecting to another person (forming an emotional bond with them) will be a challenge. They might not be able to do this or, if it does happen, they could soon end up shutting down (even more) and/or pulling away. One Experience Now, if someone does respond in this way when they get close to another, it doesn’t mean that they are aware of what is going on. If this happens, then, they could believe that the other person is overly needy and smothering or that they are just not into the other person. So, if they have had this experience take place on a number of occasions, they could believe that people are too needy or that they are not made to have relationships that are too deep. In both cases, it will show that they lack self-knowledge and, as things stand, they won’t have the self-awareness to attain it. Another Experience For someone else, someone who wants to have a deeper relationship with another person, they could struggle to understand why they end up shutting down and/or feel the need to get away. They might also find that it is hard to emotionally connect to them from the outset. If they were to look into what is going on, they could come to the conclusion that they have a fear of intimacy and they might even believe that there is something wrong with their ability to emotionally connect to another person. After this, they could look into what they can do to let go of this fear of intimacy. Going Deeper This could just be a fear that they can let go of by changing their thinking and questioning what they believe, for instance. Then again, simply changing what is taking place in their mind (up top) might not be suffice. The reason for this is that what is taking place in their body (down below) could be playing a big part in how they currently experience life. Said another way, there is a strong chance that they are carrying trauma. Connecting the Dots If they are unable to remember a time in their life when they felt overwhelmed and as though they had no control, it could show that they experienced trauma very early on. Not being able to remember what took place will be due to at least two reasons. Firstly, they may have been too young to remember it and, secondly, their mind may have blocked out what took place in order to protect them. And, how they feel could even relate to how they felt whilst there were in their mother’s womb – as outlandish as this may sound. A Closer Look If they experienced early trauma, it may show that they had at least one caregiver who was unable to provide them with the attunement that they needed whilst they were a baby. Consequently, they may have regularly felt smothered and trapped by their attention and as though they were going to be annihilated (to die). Consequently, or along with this, they may have also experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. In both cases, their boundaries would have been violated and shutting down would have been the only way for them to handle the pain that they were in. The Body Remembers The years will have passed but how they felt all those years ago will have remained inside them. Getting close to another person will unconsciously remind them of what happened when they were younger. The early arousal will be triggered and once again, shutting down and/or pulling away will be a way for them to handle it. This trauma will make it more or less impossible for them to stay emotionally present and to deeply connect to another person. Awareness The experiences that they had as a child will also have affected their ability to trust and to feel comfortable with being vulnerable. Ultimately, what they fear has already happened but as they are still in a traumatised state, they are unable to move on from what happened and to realise that they survived what took place. Dealing with all this arousal will be essential if one is to ever have a deep and fulfilling relationship with another person. When it comes to working with this arousal, the assistance of a therapist or a healer will probably be needed.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Whether one is at university, reading a self-development book, or talking to a friend about what has been taking place in their life, there is a phrase that they could end up hearing. The words that come before or after it could be different but there will be one word that is the same.
This could be a time when they will hear the word ‘trigger’ or ‘triggered’ at least once. Before this word become part of some people’s everyday vocabulary, it was generally only heard in a certain context. The Meaning So when it is said in today’s world, it usually denotes that someone has heard, read or seen something that has brought about a strong reaction in them. After they came across something externally, they would have experienced something internally. What they experienced internally wouldn’t have been pleasant though, as their inner world have been flooded with unpleasant thoughts, feelings, sensations and even memories. As a result of what took place internally, there would have been what happened after. Two Sides Through experiencing a strong reaction, they may have ended up becoming really angry and even aggression. If this took place, it could be said that one will have gone in to the fight response. If one didn’t respond in this way and just got away from where they were, it could show that they had gone into the flight response. Regardless of whether the former or the latter took place, it would have taken place instinctively. Another Outcome If either of these responses were not utilised, it could mean that one ended up just freezing and not doing anything for a while. Just as with the responses above, their thinking brain would have gone offline and their reptile brain would have taken over. Now, if one froze it is unlikely that anyone else ended up paying the price for what they were going through. On the other hand, if they went into flight or fight mode, this might not have been the case. For Example If one went into flight mode, they may have ended up walking away from something important. This may have been a meeting or it could have been a get together with a friend. Whereas if one went into fight mode, they may have ended up losing all control and even becoming violent. As was the case above, this may also have been a meeting or a get together with a friend. A New Response If one was to do this once it could cause them problems but, if they were to behave in this way on a regular basis, it could have a massive effect on their life. In a situation like this, the ideal might be for them to reach out for external support. By doing this, it would give them the chance to look into what is taking place inside them and to start to heal their inner wounds. This will stop them from being triggered as much and make it easier for them to operate as a whole human being The Other Side When one person is triggered, this will most likely have an impact on someone else. If one ends up experiencing a strong reaction and their behaviour completely changes, the other person might find it hard to understand what is going on. Even though they may have said or done something that was pretty innocuous, it could seem as though they have said or done something bad to this person. If they are not in a state of confusion, they could end up getting worked up. An Important Point What they will need to keep in mind at this point is that when another person has been triggered, their ability to think rationally will have probably gone out of the window. Thus, this person’s behaviour won’t be a reflection of who they truly are. They will be saying and/or doing things, but it will be as though something else has taken over their being. Taking all this into account, there will be no need for one to take what is said or done personally. In The Moment If one is aware of this when they are in the presence of someone who has been triggered, it can take away their confusion. It might even stop them from getting angry, if they have got to this point. The trouble with getting angry and going down to the same level as the person who has been triggered is that it can make it harder for the other person to snap out of the state that they are in. This will be like trying to put a fire out by pouring petrol on it. The Power of Presence Perhaps the best thing that one can do is to do what they can to stay in the moment and not to get sucked into what is taking place. The easiest thing would be for them to react - staying centred will be a lot harder. After all, they are a human being too, and this means that that they will also have their own wounds that can come to the surface doing such moments as these. When these are triggered, it will make it a lot harder for them to be in the moment and not to react. Awareness If one is present and they can stay connected to their heart, they won’t add any more fuel to a fire that is already blazing. When one is present and connected to their heart, they are more likely to know what to do. There are two things that one can do that will allow them to respond in this way; the first is to work through their inner wounds and second is to meditate. When it comes to healing inner wounds, the assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
As an adult, someone can see the opposite sex as being one way, or they can see them as being another way. A very black and white way of looking at this would be to say that they can see them in a positive light or they can see them in a negative light.
However, regardless of what view they have, there is the chance that they won’t merely see this as just a view that they have. As far as they are concerned, the view that they have can be seen as a reflection of what they are actually like. Just an Observer Therefore, even if there are areas of their life where they do believe that they have an effect on how they experience something; this won’t be one of them. In the same way that they will just look at the colour of a car, for instance, they will just be on the receiving end of positive or negative behaviour. Still, if they ever experience behaviour, or hear anything that goes against their usual experience, it might not have much of an impact on them. It might not stand out or it could soon leave their mind. Not a Problem Now, if one has a positive view of the opposite sex, it might not matter if they believe that they are not playing a part in the kind of experiences that they have with them. They will come into contact with them and they will generally have a good experience, meaning that this area of their life won’t be an issue for them. If ever they do come across a member of the opposite sex who is not very pleasant, they could just say to themselves that there are always exceptions. They may believe that this person has just had a bad day or is going through a tough time. A Problem On the other hand, if one doesn’t have a positive view of them, believing that they are not paying a part in the kind of experiences that they have with them is likely to be something that does matter. The reason for this that they will generally come into contact with the members of the opposite sex that are not pleasant, meaning that this area of their life will be an issue for them. If ever they come across a member of the opposite sex who is pleasant, they could say to themselves that this is just an act. This person could be seen as someone who has an ulterior motive, for instance. A Challenging Area Even if this person isn’t attracted to the opposite sex, they are still likely to come into contact with them in their day-to-day life and when they are at work. During their time at work, they could have a lot of trouble with them. And if they are attracted to the opposite sex, they may have had a number of abusive relationships. They may have got to the point where they no longer want to get that close to them again. External Support Most of the people that they spend time with could also have the same view of the opposite sex. What this can do is add even more weight to the view that they are playing no part in the experience that they have. It might stop there, though, as they could often overhear other people say the same things about the opposite sex. Along with this, there will be plenty of people online that have the same experiences as they do. Going Deeper Nonetheless, what if one is not simply an observer when it comes to this area of their life and is actually playing a part in the experiences that they have with the opposite sex? Thus, irrespective of what they experience, what they overhear and the information that they come across, they will be playing a part. What can’t be overlooked here is that they will be the common denominator, while the other members of the opposite sex will come and go. The question is: why would one see themselves as just an observer if they are actually playing a part? The Big Illusion If someone has identified with their mind and is unable to take a step back and to observe themselves, they won’t be able to see how their inner world is influencing their outer world. They will be caught up in what their eyes and ears tell them, which will stop them from realising that their mind is in control of what they see and hear. Consequently, one won’t be able to see that they are victimising themselves; it will be that other people are victimising them. When it comes to what they experience in the external world, their beliefs are going to play a big part. Way Back As for the beliefs that are most likely defining the experiences that they have with the opposite sex, these may have been formed when they were very small. This may have been a time in their life when a caregiver abused them in some way, with this caregiver being a member of the opposite sex. How this person treated them would then have ended up defining how they would go on to see all members of the opposite sex. At this stage of their life, their thinking brain might not have been online, preventing them from being able to see that this person didn’t represent every member of the opposite sex. Reality The years would have passed and what they came to believe at one point in time would have ended up being what is seen as the absolute truth at another. Due to how young they were when all this happened, there is the chance that their conscious mind doesn’t even remember what took place. Still, what they will be aware of is the effect that these beliefs are having on their life. The downside is that what they experience won’t be seen as coming from what they believe; it will just be seen as how life is. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they are ready to face their inner wounds, they may need to reach out for external support. The assistance of a therapist or a healer will allow them to go where they probably wouldn’t go by themselves. In addition to the beliefs that they will need to bring to the light and question, they may also be carrying a lot of trauma that needs to be resolved.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Why Would Someone Feel Smothered Whenever Their Partner Expresses Their Needs?20/10/2019
If someone is in a relationship, there are going to be needs that they will want their partner to meet and there will be needs that their partner will want them to meet. And while some of their needs will be different, a number of their needs will most likely be the same.
They will probably both have the need to be seen and heard, supported, encouraged, accepted, respected, appreciated, and to feel safe. There will then be there need for affection and the physical needs that they have, amongst other things. Other Moments At times, one or their partner may find that a certain need, or number of needs, is stronger than usual. As a result of this, they will expect far more from the other person that they would otherwise. What this could show is that one of them is under a lot of pressure and therefore needs a lot of support. For example, one of them may have started a new job or they may have received some bad news. Making It Clear However, although one of them may realise when their partner needs more support, for instance, there may be times when it is not clear. During these moments, it will be essential for them to make it clear. The reason why one of the might not notice is because they could be going through a tough time themselves, making it hard for them to notice that something isn’t right. The stress that they are under could mean that they are not as attuned to their partner as they usually are. Part of Life So by speaking out, there will be no need for one of them to blame the other and for unnecessary drama to arise. Due to the stress that they are already under, they are unlikely to want to create any more. The level of understanding that one of them shows their partner during this time could the same as the level of understanding that their partner shows them during such moments. After all, they are both imperfect human beings doing the best that they can. Another Element This is not to say that either of them will tolerate bad behaviour, but that they will make the effort to understand each other. Ultimately, they will be able to listen with their heart as well as their head. When they listen with their heart, their will empathise with the other and put their judgmental mind, along with their need to be right, to one side. This will make it easier for them to actually hear what the other person is saying. Another Reality Now, while some people generally won’t have a problem whenever their partner expresses their needs, there are going to be others that have a different experience. For someone like this, this could be something that it is often hard for them to handle. Their partner could then express a need and one could end up feeling frustrated and/or angry. Furthermore, they could tell their partner that they are needy and make out that they need to change their behaviour. One Reaction After hearing this, their partner could end up feeling rejected, and they could come to believe that they expect too much. If so, they may ignore certain needs or look towards someone else to fulfil them. If they do ignore certain needs, they may find that their mental and emotional health starts to suffer. And, if they end up looking towards someone else to meet them, their existing relationship is likely to suffer. What’s going on? If one does feel frustrated and/or angry whenever their partner expresses certain needs, it may show that they feel overwhelmed and as though their boundaries have been crossed. This may mean that they feel smothered when their partner expresses a certain need. One is then going to feel as though they have no control and that their partner is too much for them to handle. However, as one is an adult and they can make it clear if something is too much, it could be said that there is no reason of them to feel this way. Wide Open Taking into account how they feel, it is as if they are a defenceless child who has no control over what happens to them. If they were able to take a step back from how they feel, they may find that this is exactly how they feel and that they see their partner as a parental figure. What this may illustrate is that when their partner expresses a certain need, an old wound is triggered. Said another way, they will end up regressing to an earlier stage of their life. Back In Time When they were a powerless and dependent child or before this point in time, they may have had at least one caregiver who lacked boundaries and lacked the ability to attune to their needs. Consequently, this would have been a time when they felt smothered on a regular basis. This caregiver may have looked towards them to fulfil a number of their own needs, instead of being there to meet their needs. Through having this experience, one would have come to associate getting close to others with being overwhelmed and losing themselves. Awareness Many, many years will have passed since they were a small child, but what took place will still be having an impact on their life. This can be due to the beliefs that were formed and the trauma that they experienced. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
At the start of a relationship, one may find that their partner is fairly or even extremely responsive. What this means is that this person will listen to what they have to say, stop doing certain things if they have negative effect on them, and be open to feedback, amongst other things.
In other words, one will feel seen and heard by this person, and they will know that they exist when they are around them. Along with this, one will most likely behave in the same way when they are around this person. An Affirming Experience Being around someone like this is going to have a positive one ones mental and emotional health. There will be how they feel when they are in their presence and there will be how they feel when they are not. If they were to think about this person, they could think about how perfect they are and even how grateful they are that they have met someone like this. What this may show is that they have only been with them for a short period of time. An Uplifting Effect When they are not with this person, they could spend a lot of time thinking about them and going over the positive feelings that they have experienced with them. While this may mean that they are not as present as they usually are, their energy can be far better than it usually is. As a result of this, their friends, family and colleagues will know that something in their life has changed. They will probably know this anyway, but even if they were not aware of the fact that one is in a relationship, their general demeanour would more or less make this clear. A Harmonious Flow If one was to compare their relationship to something else, they might compare it to dancing. The reason for this is that, like a two people that dance together, both one and their partner will work together. In a dance, one person will move their body and the other person will move their body shortly after; whereas when it comes to their relationship, one of them will speak and the other will listen, for instance. One and their partner are then going to be working together, as opposed to working against each other. Staying Awake As their relationship progresses, both of them may find that it is a lot harder for them to be this way. However, thanks to their fondness for each other and their commitment to their own growth, they may do what they can to make sure that they don’t switch off. This may mean that one or both of them will need to learn more about relationships or that one of both of them will need to work with a therapist/healer. Ultimately, they will do what it takes to stay present and to be there for each other. Another Scenario Now, while this is what will take place in some relationships, there are going to be others where something very different occurs. Here, someone may find that their partner becomes less responsive as time goes by. In the beginning, then, they may have been fairly or even extremely responsive, but as time has passed this will have changed. It could be as if they are with a completely different person. Invisible So while they will have felt seen and heard during the start of their relationship, they won’t feel this way now. When they are with their partner, they may have moments when they wonder if they even exist. The reason for this is that it may seem as though their partner is not really there anymore. One could bring this up and talk about things that are bothering them, only to find that their partner is not listening or interested in what they have to say. One Outcome Or, even if there are moments when they pay attention to what one has to say, it doesn’t mean that anything will happen. Their partner could continue to behave in the same way as before. After experiencing this for a little while, one may end up shutting down. They will then have gone from being full of energy and feeling alive at one point, to having no energy and feeling dead at another. Self-Protection One will then still be in a relationship with this person, but like them, they will have checked out. Physically they will be there but they won’t be there emotionally, and this will have most likely taken place to protect them. Being in tune with how they feel around someone like this will be painful, so shutting down will be a way for them to minimize the amount of pain that they experience. The trouble is that while this may stop them from experiencing painful feelings, it will also stop them from experiencing pleasurable feelings. No Way to Live It will be as if one is trying to dance with someone who doesn’t want to move and this will have stopped them from trying to move. Their energy will have changed and it will be vital for them to do something about this. If their partner is not willing to communicate or to change their behaviour, they may need to cut their ties with them. The truth is that they don’t deserve to experience life in this way. Awareness If they are in a very low place and have lost touch with their inner strength, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. And if one finds that this is not the first time that this has taken place, there is a chance that they have a lot of inner wounds to heal. Perhaps their early years were a time when they also felt indivisible and had to shut down to survive.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When one has only just started to spend time with someone, they can find that just about everything runs smoothly. So whenever they are with the other person, they can feel good and even relaxed.
During this stage, they could believe that this is how it will always be and that they won’t ever experience conflict with this person. The weeks and months could then pass and this could be how it stays. A Different Experience However, even if it stays this way for a little while, there will probably come a time when they start to experience different feelings. What will play a big part here is that one will start to settle down, as will their partner, which can mean that they will become more authentic. Therefore, the type of things that wouldn’t have been said or done before, can end up being said and done. Along with this, the defences that they have dropped as time has gone by will have opened them up more and made them more vulnerable in the process. A Strong Reaction When they do experience feelings that are not particularly positive, it could be something that takes place after their partner has said something or done something. Here, one could end up getting really angry or they might feel really upset, for instance. After this has taken place, they could blame their partner; with it being clear to them that their partner is in the wrong. It could be this black and white, or they could be far more to it. Fuel on the Fire Nonetheless, even If their partner has done something wrong, it doesn’t mean that it will do their relationship any good if they end up laying into them. Their partner could keep their cool or they could become defensive. If they keep their cool and make it clear that they are sorry for what has taken place, one could find that they are soon able to settle down. It might not be long until their inner world is all over the place again, though. The Same Experience Before long one could have a very similar experience and, once again, they could lay into their partner. When this takes place, it could be as if one has been possessed by their emotions. Still, their partner could do what they can to make them feel better. If their partner has done something wrong, it could be said that it is perfectly normal for them to have got worked up and that they are not at fault. Stepping Back Nevertheless, if one started to develop the ability to observe their inner world and no longer allowed themselves to be controlled by how they feel, they may find that their partner is not always at fault for how they feel. What they could find is that there are times when their partner simply triggers pain that is already inside them. Having the ability to contain how they feel as opposed to directing it outwards, will most likely decrease the amount of conflict that arises in their relationship. Something will be triggered and one can be with how they feel, preventing a molehill from becoming a mountain. Boundaries What this comes to is that even though one is in a relationship with someone else, they have their own reality (as does their partner). With a strong sense of who they are and a clear understanding of where they begin and end, it will be easier for them to own how they feel. So through developing their ability to observe their inner world and working on their boundaries, they will be able to heal their inner wounds. Whenever they experience a strong reaction, there is the chance that a wound has been brought up to the surface. Back In Time An emotional wound may go back to something that has taken place in their adult life or it could go back to what took place when they were younger. Either way, it will be essential for them to heal it if they want to become a more integrated human being. The reason for this is that when they were wounded, a part of themselves would have most likely been split-off. Thus, in order for them to reclaim this part of themselves, they will need to embrace it, feel the pain and to gradually integrate it. A New Meaning By seeing their pain in this way, being triggered will still be painful but they might no longer see it as something that is bad or negative. It will be a lot easier for them to surrender to how they feel and to grow. Along with this, they can come to believe that one reason why they would be drawn to someone is to heal themselves. The person they are with is then going to be there to serve in their evolution, as one will be there for serve in their partner’s evolution. Awareness Without self-awareness, it is not going to be possible for one to realise that another person is only bringing up to the surface what is already held inside them. Self-awareness is what will set them free; free from a victim mentality, free from giving their power away and free from living a reactive life. If one has got to the point where they can see that they have inner wounds and these wounds are making it hard for them to function, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online. Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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