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If someone has just broken up with their partner, they can be in a bad way. They might have been with them for a number of months or years but, no matter how long it was, they won’t just be able to carry on with their life.
Yet, as this person will have been a big part of their life and now they are no longer part of it, this is to be expected. The bond that they had with them will have come to an end. A Natural outcome As a result of this bond being broken, a will have caused them to experience a lot of pain. So, while this person won’t have passed on, the experience that they are having will be very similar to how it would be if they had. What they have received from them, for however long will no longer be there and this will greatly deprive them. There can be moments when they feel deeply sad and helpless and other moments when they can’t feel anything and are very low. One Scenario If what has happened is not affecting them, it could show that they are caught up with something else. By working or watching TV, then, they might be able to put what is going on in this area of their life to one side. They could also have moments when they imagine being with their ex again and doing some of the things that they used to do together. In each of these cases, they will be able to temporarily avoid how they feel. External Feedback If they were to talk to a friend about what they are going through, they could say that what they are going through is normal. Additionally, they could say that as time passes, they will gradually feel better. This could be something that they will agree with and be grateful that they have this friend in their life. Another thing they could be told is that it is important for them to accept and work through how they feel and to keep in mind that they won’t feel this way forever. Another Route Alternatively, after talking to a friend about what they are going through, they could be told that they need to start sleeping with other people. This friend could say that this will allow them to move on from what happened. What this may illustrate is that this friend has done this at least once in order to move on from an ex. This could be something that has already crossed their mind and now that their friend has mentioned it, they could follow through with it. The Next Step Regardless of whether they have spoken to a friend about what is going on for them and this friend has suggested that they do this; they could believe that sleeping with another person will help them to move on. After a few days or weeks, this might have taken place. Consequently, they could find that they do feel better and it might not be long until they sleep with the same person again or someone else. It can soon be as if they have put what happened behind them. A Saying By ‘getting under another person’, they will have been able to ‘get over their ex’. After a while, they might decide that they no longer want to behave in this way and want to start another relationship. The experiences that they have had with these people will have allowed them to create greater space between their ex. They will have been able to break out of the state that they were in and begin again. Another Outcome Conversely, they may find that even though going with others has allowed them to feel better and distracted them, it hasn’t completely changed how they feel. When they think about what they have been doing, they could feel guilty and ashamed. What can play a part in this is that although they will be single, they could believe that they have betrayed their ex. Moreover, it might have made them think about how it was with their ex and caused them to crave their presence. A Big Difference It will then be clear that just having sex with someone is not the same as having sex with someone who they have an emotional connection with and love and care about. Therefore, there will be the pain that they are experiencing after having broken up with their ex and the pain that they are experiencing after having casual encounters. What might occur to them at this point is that they can’t run away from themselves and there are no shortcuts. Facing and working through how they feel and being patient will be essential if they truly want to move on and start again. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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At this point in time, someone could be in a relationship with someone who is not available. So, they might not be able to emotionally connect with them and they might not spend much time with them either.
Assuming that this is the case, they will be emotionally out of reach, and at times, physically out of reach. This could be how it has been for a number of days, weeks, months or even years. Holding On However, even if this has been going on for a very long time, it doesn’t mean that they will be ready to cut their ties with their partner. This is not to say that part of them won’t be ready but another, bigger part of them might not be. If so, they are going to be with someone who is not meeting many of their needs but that won’t be enough to make them draw the line and move on. This other, bigger part of them could believe that, sooner or later, their partner will change. External Feedback If they have a few close friends, they could tell them that their partner will change before long. Nonetheless, while their friends could be supportive, they could also tell them that they are wasting their time. In their eyes, then, it could be clear that they are with someone who is unavailable and is unlikely to ever change. It could be hard for these people to understand why they are unable to face reality. The Same Old Story Now, this could be the first time that they have been in this position; then again, they might have been in this position before. If this is not the first time, there is a chance that most if not all of the people they have been with have been unavailable. Naturally, if they have been in this position before, they are likely to be well and truly fed up with what is going on. A big part of them is then likely to be holding on as they will be desperate to be with someone who is available. The Other Option To this part of them, letting go can be seen as something that will result in them being alone again. Yet, by hanging in there and being there for their partner, they can believe that they will gradually change and, thereby, allow them to be with someone who is available. As bad as it will be for them to be with someone who is out of reach, then, ending the relationship will be seen as something that is far worse. And, even if they were to end the relationship, they could soon be with someone who ends up being just as unavailable. Stepping Back As caught up as they will be, there can come a point in time when they no longer have the desire or the energy to live in this way. This can be a time when they will start to question why this area of their life is this way. If they were to see clearly, they could come to the conclusion that they are simply unlucky. They will then just happen to end up with people who are not available and there will be very little that they can do. A Deeper Look Nevertheless, although this may appear to be the truth, there is likely to be far more to it. What this can show is that they were deeply deprived during their formative years, and, since then, they have been trying to receive the love that they missed out on. At this key stage of their life, both their mother and father might have been out of reach and unable to truly be there for them. This would have deeply wounded them and stopped them from receiving what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. The outcome To handle what was going on, their feelings and a number of their developmental needs would have been repressed by their brain. This was their only option as they we unable to change their parent or parents or to find another family. But, even though their need to be loved would have been repressed, it would have continued to have an impact on their life. From behind the scenes, so to speak, they would have still hoped that they would be loved and struggled to make this happen. A Defence This would have also involved them blocking out what their parent or parents were actually like and doing what they could to please them. As futile as this was, it would have played a part in them being able to block out the pain that they would have experienced if they had faced reality. Ultimately, if they had faced up to the fact that their parent or parents were unable to love them and they wouldn’t be loved, they wouldn’t have been able to keep it together and function. Many, many years will have passed since they were a powerless and dependent child but a big part of them will be frozen in time. Moving Forward This part of them will still be looking for the love that they missed out on all those years ago and will cause them to unconsciously create scenarios that are very similar to how it was for them as a child. Who they end up with won’t be their mother or father but as this part of them has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t realise this. The struggle will then continue and they will be deprived all over again as not only will they end up with someone who is not available but will be too late for them to receive what they missed out on as a child. For them to gradually put the past behind them, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When someone has met another person who they are attracted to and is getting to know them, they can have only good things to say about them. Not only this, but they can want to spend a lot of time with them.
If they take the next step and end up in a relationship with them, they can end up having a more balanced view of the other person. They can see that they are made up of many different sides, with there being some sides that they like more than others. A Natural Consequence Yet, as they have taken the next step, it is likely to show that this person is primarily made up of sides that they are drawn to. And, unless they have moved in together, they might have settled into more of a routine and not see each other as often. Or, they could end up getting together less but they could spend longer together when they do meet up. As the days, weeks and months pass, they are likely to be introduced to other sides that their partner has. Navigating New Terrain When this happens, it could be a time when they will face what is going on head-on and grow closer to their partner. Additionally, they could also be aware of the fact that not only didn’t they randomly end up with this person but that how they are behaving is also not random. What this comes down to is that they will realise that the person they are with is a reflection of what is taking place for them at a conscious and an unconscious level. By having this understanding, how this person is behaving will allow them to become more integrated and whole. The Mirror They are then likely to understand that a relationship is a vehicle that will aid in their own evolution. Along with having someone to spend time with, make love with and perhaps have a child or children with, there will be other reasons why they have pulled this person into their life. Being with them will allow them to become aware of disowned parts of themselves that they probably wouldn’t become aware of if they were single. This is not to say that a friendship, for example, can’t play a role in their evolution but that this type of relationship won’t require the same level of closeness. Another Reality However, if someone is not aware of the fact that they live in a mirror, once they move passed the so-called ‘honeymoon period’ and their relationship starts to change, they could soon come to the conclusion that their partner is the problem. It could then be as though they are with someone who wants to undermine them and is their enemy. They could believe that their partner has simply changed and is no longer the person they were before. If they were to stay with them, they could battle each other for weeks, months or even years. Another Outcome Conversely, they could soon end up cutting their ties with them and it might not be long until they find someone else who is very similar to their ex. There is also a chance that they have been with a number of people who were more or less the same. The signs are then going to be there, but, as they are not aware of what is going on, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. What can play a part in them not ‘waking up’ is if they live in a society that says, both directly and indirectly, that they randomly end up with people and are either lucky or unlucky in love. A Closer Look Now, if for whatever reason, they were to stay with their partner and took a step back and reflected on what is going on, they could find that there are a number of things that are irritating them. For example, their partner could have anger issues, often be sad, be overly sensitive, and/or be controlling. Assuming that this is the case, they could say to themselves that they are nothing like them. Thus, they might rarely get angry, typically be positive, not be overly sensitive and/or be fairly easygoing. Hidden Darkness Nevertheless, although they might not be anything like their partner on the surface, and their friends could say the same thing, if they were to be with themselves, they could soon find that their partner is expressing what they have repressed. So, as they don’t have a healthy relationship with their anger, lost touch with their negativity, rejected their sensitivity and/or renounced their need to have a healthy sense of control, they have been drawn to someone who has perhaps gone to the other extreme. Self-Deception At this point, they could wonder why they were not able to see this before; they could believe that they were in denial. What they will need to keep in mind is that they didn’t consciously choose to be this way; they were simply not aware of what was going on. Their brain will have blocked out what was really going on for them, to allow them to keep it together and function. This is why, at a conscious level; they couldn’t see how their partner’s behaviour had anything to do with what was going on for them. A Key Point What this illustrates is that they don’t begin with and with their conscious mind. Along with their conscious sense of themselves is another part of them that is incredibly vast. Keeping what is held in this part of them outside of their conscious awareness will protect them; the downside is that it will also cause them to be enslaved by their own ‘shadow’. By knowing that the world is their mirror and dealing with what shows up, along with becoming more integrated, they will be able to see how powerful they are. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After someone’s relationship has come to an end, they could experience a number of different feelings. So, they could have moments when they feel angry and moments when they feel very sad.
At other moments, they could feel very little, with them being in an emotionally shut down state. And, although this will be a time when they feel flat, it will give them a break from the intense feelings that they usually experience. A Survival Mechanism Ultimately, this will be a way for their brain to stop them from being overwhelmed, and thereby, make it easier for them to keep it together and function. The downside, of course, is that it will be as if they are watching life from the outside. However, providing that they face how they feel and don’t run away from what is going on for them, they should spend less time in a disconnected state and more time being in tune with how they feel. This will then allow them to be on the inside more often and make it easier for them to embrace life. Another Element Along with what is going on for them, they could spend a lot of time thinking about their ex. This could be something that they spend more time doing when they are connected to how they feel. Naturally, by being in touch with how they feel, their mind will start to think about their ex as no longer being with them will have played a big part in why they feel the way that they do. If, on the other hand, they were still with them, they are likely to experience different feelings. One Outlook When they think about their ex, they could primarily think about the good moments that they shared. If so, this can also be a way for them to keep their real feelings at bay as the good feelings that they experience, by remembering these moments, will allow them to avoid how they feel. If they were to also think about the moments that were not so good, this could be a time when they will feel angry and resentful. These feelings can allow them to feel strong and powerful and avoid feeling hopeless and helpless, for instance. A Balanced View Still, what this will illustrate is that they are able to see that their relationship had both good and bad moments, and perhaps many moments that were simply neutral. Furthermore, they may see that their ex had certain traits that they liked more than others. If so, they won’t see their ex as being a god or goddess but they also won’t see them as being worthless and unlovable. They will merely be a human being who was doing the best that they could with what they knew. No Different Likewise, they could also see that they behaved in ways that were healthy and ways that were not. They will then know that they are not perfect but at the same time, they are also not worthless and unlovable and will be aware of what they need to do to have a more harmonious relationship. What this will demonstrate is that they have a good level of self-awareness and self-love. The former will allow them to see what they need to work on and the latter will allow them to acknowledge and work on their weakness without them feeling like a failure or beating themselves up. Another Experience Then again, now that their relationship has come to an end, they could believe that their ex was a bad person and is essentially less than human. Subsequently, they could spend a lot of time thinking about all the bad traits that they had and the ways that they undermined them. Not only this, but they could spend a lot of time telling their friends and perhaps family about how bad this person was. Based on how they behave, then, it will be as if they are the good one and their ex was the bad one. A Strange Scenario Perhaps their ex was a somewhat or a very toxic person, but, at the same time, they could be making their ex out to be someone that they are not. If their ex is nothing like how they are making them out to be, this is likely to show that this is a way for them to avoid how they feel. If they were to see their ex in a more balanced way, it might cause them to come into contact with painful feelings. As a result, they could end up feeling worthless and unlovable and very low. Avoidance By unconsciously projecting their uncomfortable feelings into their ex, it will allow them to keep their feelings at bay and to feel better about themselves. If they were aware of what was taking place, this defence mechanism wouldn’t work. As they are unable to handle these painful feelings, it is likely to show that they don’t have a felt sense of worth or lovability. Therefore, they won’t just happen to lack self-awareness; this will be something that they have unconsciously chosen not to develop in order to stop themselves from becoming aware of the parts of themselves that are painful and threaten their sense of self. The Solution For them to have a more balanced view of themselves and their ex, it will be imperative for them to face how they feel. The feelings that they are doing their best to avoid could largely be a consequence of what took place during their formative years. Throughout his stage of their life, they may have been treated as though they were worthless and unlovable. As they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and perhaps ended up creating a disconnected and inflated false self. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Nowadays, if someone is having relationship problems, it is not going to be difficult for them to find information that goes into why this is and what they can do about it. After a basic search online, there will be thousands of videos and articles that will provide them with a lot of information.
So, at this point in time, they could be in a position where they continually attract people that are not available and/or don’t treat them very well. This could be something that they have experienced for quite some time. One Part After viewing a few videos and/or articles, they could come to the conclusion that most of the people they have attracted have commitment issues. They could also learn about a number of other terms that are used for people like this. Additionally, if they have been with a number of people that haven’t treated them very well, they could come to the conclusion that these people were narcissists. These will then be people that have serious issues. A Big Difference After spending a little while looking into this information and gaining a deeper understanding, they could think about how different they are compared with the people they have been with. They could think about how they are ready to have a relationship and are not in any way narcissistic. If the people they have been with are on one side of the spectrum, then, they will be on the other side of it. What this could do is allow them to feel relieved and good about themselves. One Outcome As it will be clear that they themselves are fine and the people that they have attracted are the ones with the issues, they could believe that they just need to be patient and hope that their luck changes. Along with this, they could continue to develop themselves and other areas of their life. Before long, though, they could meet someone else who could be different at first but no different as time passes. This time, they will know why the other person is behaving as they are. A Frustrating Experience Consequently, they could end up feeling pretty helpless and hopeless, and wonder if this area of their life will ever change. But, as they will be doing the right things and attracting the wrong people, how else would they be? Ultimately, they are going to be more informed than they were before and more developed but this area of their life won’t be any different. In order for this area of their life to change, it will be clear that they need to try another approach. A Key Point First, what they will need to keep in mind is that although they will want to be with someone that is available and treats them well, it doesn’t mean that every part of their being wants the same thing. The reason for this is that they don’t just begin and end with their conscious mind; they also have an unconscious mind. And, as they want one thing and they are continually receiving something else, it is likely to show that this other, hidden part of them wants something else. Thanks to how strong this other part of them is, it won’t matter what they do to develop themselves or how informed their mind is – as will be only too clear. Going Deeper There is a chance that this other part of them is trying to receive the love that they missed out on during their formative years. In this case, this will illustrate that they were brought up by a parent or parents that were unable to love them. At this stage of their life, it would have been too painful for them to face how they felt and accept that they would not be loved. Their pain and their developmental needs would then have ended up being repressed. Recreating the past With this in mind, this part of them will cause them to unconsciously recreate situations where they are not seen and heard and are treated badly in the hope that this time it will be different. But, as this stage of their life is over and other people are not their parents, it is too late for them to receive this love. For them to no longer look for love in all the wrong places, they will need to face and work through this pain. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. A Creator What this demonstrates is that while their mind can create the impression that they are merely an observer of reality, they are observing their own creation. However, most of what is showing up in their reality is coming from their unconscious mind. Thus, they don’t just randomly end up with anyone and are far more powerful than their conscious mind would have them believe. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone has the need to experience both physical and emotional closeness with another, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable fulfilling this need. This could be something that is only an issue when it comes to being in a romantic relationship.
Then again, this could be something that prevents them from having close friendships too. If this is something that affects both of these areas of their life, they are likely to have a very lonely existence. On The Outside They are then going to be an interdependent human being but, they will act like an independent human being. If they didn’t need others, how they are behaving wouldn’t be a problem. However, as they will want to experience closeness, they are not going to be choosing to keep others at a distance. Ultimately, this is likely to be seen as something that is out of their control. Inner Conflict Although there is only one of them, then, part of them will want to deeply connect to others and another, stronger part of them won’t feel comfortable doing so. Due to this, it could be as if someone or something else is in control of them. Irrespective of if they are at the beginning of their life or further along their own path, they could be well and truly fed up with what is going on. They might wonder if their life will ever change or if it will always be the same. Another Part Yet, along with the pain that they will experience through being deprived of human contact and experiencing life in this way, there can also be the pain that they experience through criticising themselves. For example, they could often say to themselves that they lack courage, are fearful and need to stop being scared. What can play a part in this is that, over the years, they may have been told that they just need to ‘get over this fear’ and to go for it as their life is passing them by. Furthermore, they could have people in their life who say such things now. A heavyweight So, what they are going through by being deprived is going to be made worse by the fact that they can feel like a failure and as though they are just acting fearful for no reason. Unlike those who have fears and just face them, then, they can see themselves as being weak and even having something inherently wrong with them. Naturally, they will be going through enough, without them laying into themselves. Also, they are going to need to have people in their life that support them, not make their life even worse. A Closer Look If they were to imagine getting physically and emotionally close to another person, so sharing their inner world with them, this can be a time when they will be filled with anxiety. Additionally, they can experience panic and have the need to run away, or they could end up shutting down and lose the ability to feel anything. At this point, it will be clear that getting close to another person is not seen as something that is beneficial to a big part of them and is actually seen as something that is a threat to their very survival. Taking this into account, it is to be expected that they will have avoided intimacy for however long and will continue to do so. The Wrong Approach Thanks to what takes place when they do attempt to experience intimacy, it is not just going to be a case of them simply facing their fear and doing it anyway. All this will do is cause them to end up being overwhelmed and perhaps to soon shut down. Therefore, even if they do face their fear, if they don’t end up having the need to flee and shut down, they won’t be able to truly connect with another as they won’t be aware of how they feel. What this emphasises is that facing the fear and doing it anyway is not always the answer. Stepping Back If this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were deeply wounded by one or both of their parents and/or others. And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. What these experiences would have also done is stop them from developing a felt sense of safety, security and the ability to trust others. One Option To handle what was going on; they would have automatically disconnected from themselves and gone into a shut down, frozen and collapsed state. Leaving their environment wouldn’t have been an option, so they had to leave themselves. What took place would have also been personalised as they were egocentric, with this causing them to develop a felt sense of being worthless and unlovable. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but most if not all of the pain and arousal that they experienced all those years ago will still be held inside them. A Natural Outcome Considering how brutal their early years will have been, it is not a surprise that they have the need to keep people at bay. Not everyone will be like the person or people who harmed them, but their underdeveloped brain would have generalised the experience in order to protect them, in addition to the pain and arousal that they experienced. They will have been through a lot and they will deserve their own love and kindness. Regardless of what their inner voice or anyone else says for that matter, they are not weak, there is nothing inherently wrong with them and they don’t lack courage. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
On one hand, there are men who say that all women are the same, and, on the other hand, there are women who say that all men are the same. And, thanks to the platforms that are available online, both men and women can express their views about the opposite sex.
Not only this, they can come into contact with plenty of other people who also have the same outlook. Due to this, their views will end up being validated, providing them with a greater sense of conviction. One Side If a man in this position was to describe women, he could say that they are highly emotional, lack self-control, are selfish and cold, for instance. Along with this, not only will the women that he has been with be the same but his friends might have also been with women like this. This is then going to be seen as proof that all women are the same, and, if he hears about a woman who is different, he could say that this is just an act. Therefore, sooner or later, she will end up changing. The other Side If a woman in this position was to describe men, she could say that they are emotionally shut down, need mothering, are controlling and are unfaithful, for instance. Additionally, not only will the men that she has been with be the same but her friends might have also been with men like this. Once again, this will be seen as proof that all men are the same, and, if she hears about a man who is different, she could say that this is just an act. Thus, before long, his true colours will shine through. Reality Now, regardless of whether it is a man or a woman who has put all of the opposite sex into the same box, it could be said that if this is their experience and the experience that the people in their life have, it must be the truth. If, then, they hadn’t had these experiences and neither had the people in their life, there would be no reason for them to be this way. However, although this is how their life will be, it doesn’t mean that they are passive observers of what is taking place. In all likelihood, what is taking place inside them is having an effect on why they are experiencing life in his way. Resistance If someone in this position was to hear this, they could say that this is not possible as they don’t want to meet men/women who are like this. In fact, they could say that they would be happy to meet a man/woman who is different. While this may be the case, what they will need to think about is that they don’t just begin and end with their conscious mind; they also have an unconscious mind. The latter has a far greater impact on their life than the former. A Closer Look With this in mind, if they continually end up with men/women who are the same, it will be a good idea for them to explore what is taking place in their unconscious mind. One way for them to do this is for them to imagine that they were to meet a man/woman who is different. This is then someone who is emotionally together, present, loving and aware, for example. At first, this could be something that feels comfortable but, after a while, it might soon feel uncomfortable. Going Deeper What this might illustrate is that they don’t feel worthy and deserving of being with a man/woman who is like this. What could also enter their conscious awareness is that they don’t feel lovable. If this is the case, by having the view that all men/women are the same, they will have been able to avoid how they really feel about themselves. Naturally, this viewpoint will protect their view of themselves and stop them from feeling low. Protection Yet, facing up to how they really feel about themselves will undermine the view of themselves that allows them to avoid their true feelings. Also, it will cause them to feel very low. The trouble is that although this viewpoint will have protected them, it will also have prevented them from being able to meet a man/woman who is right for them. This is not to say that they consciously chose to be this way as losing touch with their true feelings and being disconnected from themselves is likely to have been something that automatically took place many years ago. Back In Time What this may show is that their early years were a time when they were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. This may have been a time when they were physically harmed, verbally put down and/or neglected. Either way, how they were treated would have been personalised as they were egocentric, with them coming to believe that they were worthless and unlovable. To handle the pain they were in, they would have lost touch with themselves and created a disconnected false self. A Mirror But, although they won’t have been in touch with how they really feel, the experiences that they have had with men/women will have reflected back what is going on for them at a deeper level. For them to change this area of their life, they will probably need to work through the pain that they experienced all those years ago. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can Someone Push Love Away If They Were Mistreated During Their Early Years?23/12/2022
What someone may find is that although they want to be in a loving relationship, they have pushed at least one person away who was like this. It might have taken them a little while to see this, though.
The reason for this is that for a little while after, they might have believed that they didn’t play a part in what took place. For example, they might have believed that the other person was the problem and/or that something ‘out there’ was to blame. The Dust Has Settled But, by stepping back and reflecting on what took place, it will have been possible for them to see clearly. Still, they could struggle to understand why they would have behaved in this way. They might even come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with them, especially as they will want to be in a loving relationship. After this, they could feel very low and totally helpless. A Key Step While laying into themselves is not going to serve them, they will have come a long way by seeing that they played a part in what took place. If they hadn’t got to this point and just blamed what was going on externally, it would be a lot harder for them to change their life. It will now be important for them to keep in mind that they most likely didn’t consciously choose to push the other person away. As a result of this, it will be essential for them to put their self-blame to one side and to be curious. One Step Back When they think about their last relationship or just one of their relationships that came to an end, that’s if this has taken place on more than one occasion, they might see that the relationship was going well and then it changed. It was then not a case of it going well and then it ended. Consequently, they might see that when it was going well they felt uncomfortable and when it wasn’t going well, they felt comfortable. Therefore, when the other person was warm it wouldn’t have felt right and when they were cold it would have felt right. Many Parts Or perhaps to be more accurate, a big part of them would have felt comfortable when the other person changed. Going even deeper, they might see that they did certain things to make this act cold. Once again, this is likely to have been something that took place unconsciously. For example, they might see that they gradually became less attentive, argumentative and less available. The Outcome Naturally, their partner would have responded to what was going on but that’s not to say that this is something that they always consciously chose to do. Due to this, one is likely to have continued to change their behaviour, feeling as though they had every right to retaliate. Their partner would then have had an even bigger reason to behave in the same way and, before long, the relationship would have fallen apart. At this point or perhaps after it had come to an end, they might have tried to change what was going on. What’s going on? What could soon enter their mind is why a big part of them is unable to feel comfortable being in a loving relationship and has the need to be in a relationship that is anything but loving. If this is something that they have experienced on a number of occasions or even once, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been physically harmed, verbally put down and/or abandoned. This would then have been a time when they were treated as though they had no value and were unlovable. The fallout As they were egocentric, what took place would have been personalised. In reality, what took place was not a sign that they were worthless or unlovable; it was a sign of how wounded their parent or parents were. Now that they are an adult, what took a place will be over, but a big part of them is going to have the need to be loved. This part of them will cause them to unconsciously recreate their early dynamic so that they can finally be loved. The Same Story But, as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that another person is not their parent, they won’t be able to meet their unmet developmental needs. For them to no longer recreate their early struggle for love and to feel comfortable being in a loving relationship, they will most likely need to face the pain that they experienced by not being loved and experience their unmet developmental needs. This is not going to be easy and it won’t take place overnight, which is why this is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Just because someone is an interdependent human being, it doesn’t mean that they will act like one. They can spend a lot of time by themselves and have very little if any interest in being around others.
This is not to say that they won’t have any friends but it is likely that they won’t be very close to or see them very often. And, if they do see one of their friends, it could show that this friend reached out to them. One Area When it comes to what they do for a living, they could work with others or by themselves. But, even if they do work with others, they might not have to deal with the public or do a great deal of talking. This could be a sign that they work with computers, are a scientist, a gardener or drive for a living, for instance. Their time around others is then going to be nominal and, once they have finished working, they could typically end up spending time by themselves. One Focus During this time, they could end up watching TV, reading a book or playing a game on a computer. It is unlikely that they will feel the need to connect to another person, whether that is a friend or to experience intimacy with someone they are attracted to. This can be how each day will generally play out and their life might have been this way for a very long time. Based on how they usually behave, they will create the impression that they don’t need others. Different Unlike others, then, they will have mental and physical needs but that will be about as far as it usually goes. What they won’t have are emotional needs and this is why they won’t have the need to be around and connect deeply with others. Or, perhaps, they will rarely have these needs and this is why they will seldom reach out to others. There is a chance that they have never been in an intimate relationship and have no interest in having one either. Another Scenario Then again, they might have been in at least one relationship, and this was a time when they felt deeply uncomfortable. They might have soon felt trapped and had the need to get away. In fact, this might have taken place on more than one occasion and they might have decided to stay single forever. Being this way, however, is going to deprive them of the human contact that they need to truly thrive. A Bleak Existence One of the ways that they are likely to pay the price for not experiencing enough human contact is through often having a deep sense of being alone. They might often have the sense that they are not strongly rooted in anything and feel extremely anxious as a result. What they could also be consumed by, during this time, is the sense that life has no meaning and they could think about ending their life. Yet, to change what is going on for them, they could engage in some kind of activity or consume something to settle themselves down. What’s going on? If, after suffering in this for many, many years they were to get to the point of no return and took a step back, they might wonder why they are this way. They could struggle to understand why they rarely have the need to be around others, let alone be in an intimate relationship, and why, when they do end up in a relationship, assuming that they have been in at least one, they feel trapped and as though they are going to be annihilated. To understand why they are this way, it will be a good idea for them to take a closer look at what took place during their formative years. This is likely to have been a time when they were deeply traumatised, with their nervous system being overwhelmed in the process. Back In Time So, from the moment they were born, they may have often been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. At this stage of their life, they needed a parent who was able to attune to their needs, to allow them to be fed, held and sleep at the right times. As this didn’t take place, they were deeply wounded and ended up disconnected from themselves in order to handle what was going on. In others words, they became a fractured and divided human being to survive a brutal stage of their life. A Natural Response They were powerless and totally dependent, so it wasn’t possible for them to change what was going on externally, their only option was to automatically adapt to their environment. Throughout this time, they would have felt deeply alone and as though they were going to be annihilated and die. But, as they were unable to face how they felt and this experience had to be repressed, it will be re-experienced whenever they end up in a relationship. Thanks to them unconsciously projecting their caregiver onto another person, they will believe that this person is making them feel this way. It's Over At a deeper level, they won’t know that this stage of their life is over and that they now have the ability to protect themselves. On one level, then, it will be clear that they are now an adult as opposed to a helpless infant, but, this is something that they will need to know at a deeper level for their life to change. It is going to take time for them to settle their nervous system down, develop a felt sense of safety and security and develop boundaries. This is why they will need to be courageous and patient and persistent. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can Someone’s Childhood Cause Them To Play The Victim Role In A Relationship?8/7/2022
Right now, someone could be in a relationship that is not very fulfilling, and there could be a number of reasons why this is. Now, this could be because they are with someone who is incredibly abusive but, then again, it might not be this severe.
Instead, they could be with someone who generally doesn’t treat them very well. This could be something that has been going on for a number of weeks or might have been taking place for even longer. Black And White It will then be clear that their partner is the one who is in the wrong and that they themselves are being victimised. In other words, their partner will be to blame for what is going on and they will be blameless. It will be vital for their partner to change as, if this doesn’t take place, their relationship won’t change. What this will also mean is that they will have very little control over what is going on, while their partner will have a lot. External Support Now, if they were to talk to a friend or a family member about what is going on, they are also likely to back up the view that they are the victim. Their partner will be at fault and it will be up to this person to change. This could be a time when one is encouraged to leave them and to find someone who will treat them well. If one has been in this position before, they might have also received this feedback before. Another Angle However, although they are a victim on one level, what if they are not inherently a victim on another level? What if they are unconsciously co-creating what is taking place and are, thus, being victimised by themselves? Upon hearing this, they could say that this is not true as they are suffering and they don’t want to experience life in this way. They could then see this as a clear example of ‘victim blaming’. The Tip Of The Iceberg Even so, what they will need to keep in mind is that the part of them that is not happy with what is going on and wants their life to change is just one small part of them. Along with the conscious part of them, which is only a small part of their consciousness, they also have an unconscious mind. This other part of them has far more control over their life than their conscious mind does. Without this understanding in place and one only being aware of their conscious mind, it is to be expected that they will see themselves as a powerless victim, at least when it comes to this area of their life. Deep Exploration Nonetheless, if a small part of them was able to entertain this idea if not fully accept it, it would give them the chance to take a closer look into this. One thing that they could do, to gain a deeper understanding, is to think about how they feel when they are being mistreated in their current relationship. For example, they can find that they feel hopeless, helpless, worthless and unlovable. After this, they can look into if they have felt this way in the past. A Continuation By doing this, they could find that they have not only had a number of relationships where the same things have happened but they have felt the same way in each one. If they were then to think about what took place during their formative years, they may find that this was also a time when a lot of the same situations and feelings were experienced. To use an analogy, their childhood experiences will be the trunk of a tree and everything that has come after this stage will be the branches of a tree. For so long, though, their brain will have blocked out what took place very early on in order to protect them, thereby preventing them from being able to join the dots, so to speak. A Big Difference During their formative years, when they were deprived of what they needed, they would have been a powerless victim. Yet, now that they are an adult, they can feel and act like a powerless victim but this is no longer the case. What will also make it hard for them to realise this, in addition to how they feel and what their friends, family and society are likely to tell them, is that they will unconsciously see another person as their mother/father. Thanks to something called transference, then, it will be hard for them to see that while the person will be different, what is being played out is a replay of old wounds. Drawing the Line Being aware of why this area of their life is this way will allow them to take responsibility for what is going on and to gradually change their life. In time, they will reconnect to their inherent power, worth and lovability. This is a time when they can be kind and compassionate towards themselves, to see that they have been doing the best that they can with what they know. This is not a time for them to criticise and blame themselves. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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