Self-Image: Can Childhood Trauma Cause Someone To Believe That They Deserve To Be Treated Badly?6/3/2021
What someone may find, that’s if they were to reflect on their life, is that they are rarely treated well by others. Just thinking about this could make them angry and then they could feel down.
To make matters worse, this could be how their life has been for as long as they can remember, meaning that they may believe that this is just how life is. Consequently, they could believe that there is very little that they can do about it. Totally Helpless It could be as though other people can treat them however they want and that there is very little that they can do protect themselves. As a result of this, there is a chance that they will carry a lot of rage. This can be something that has accumulated due to how strangers and the people in their life have treated them over the years. There may be times when they express how they feel but, in general, they could keep it to themselves. A Closer Look If they were to describe what takes place, then, they could say that people often cross their boundaries, put them down, ignore them and treat them like they have no value. Just thinking about what happens could fill them with rage. There could be moments when they imagine what it would be like to get revenge and to punish those who have harmed them. Then again, they might not have much fight in them and just feel sorry for themselves. No Choice If they have a victim mentality, they could believe that the world is against them and wants them to suffer. Thus, in order for their life to change, what is going on ‘out there’ will need to change. Deep down, they could have a strong need for someone to save them. With the support of someone who is strong and capable, it will give them the strength and the power to change their life. Two Levels Now, although experiencing life in this way is going to cause them to have a miserable existence, it could be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. On the surface, one will be against what is taking place, but at a deeper level, they can be strongly attached to what is taking place. If they were to hear this, they could end up dismissing what has been said and say that they desperately want their life to change. The fact that experiencing life in this way makes them angry and frustrates them, for instance, can be seen as evidence that supports what they are saying. Diving In Nevertheless, the truth is that if being treated in this way didn’t feel comfortable at a deeper level, they wouldn’t put up with it. To accept this, they will need to connect to what is taking place in their body. If they just focus on what is taking place in their mind, it won’t be possible for them to see what is actually going on. When it comes to why they feel comfortable with what is going on, it is likely to be thanks to what took place during their early years. Back In Time Many years will have passed since this time and their mind will have blocked out what took place, which is why they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak. If their mind didn’t have so many defences in place, defences that are in place to protect them, they would be able to see the connection. At this stage of their life, they may have been abused and/or neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis. This would have meant that they didn’t receive the love, nurturance and care that they needed to be able to develop in the right way. Two Parts In addition to this, there would have been the meaning that their undeveloped mind made out of what happened. As this was a time when they were egocentric, it would have meant that what happened was taken personally. It was then not that their caregivers were in a bad way; it was that they were inherently bad and defective. So, now that they are an adult, the meaning that they made all those years ago will be defining how they see themselves. Inner Child Another way of looking at this would be to say that the child that they were will now live inside them. This child part will massively influence how they feel and what kind of behaviour they put up with. Until this part of them realises that it doesn’t deserve to be treated badly, they will probably find that their adult self doesn’t realise it either. Once it does, they will have a felt sense of worth and no longer be a human punch bag that that just absorbs the punches that are directed at them. Awareness They will have gone through a lot as a child and experienced things that no child should have to experience, yet, now they will be able to heal the parts of themselves that are in a bad and to gradually transform their life. For this to take place, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Although some people feel safe in their body and as though they deserve to exist, there are others that don’t experience life in this way. However, regardless of whether someone fits into the first category or the second, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of it.
Yet, even if someone is not consciously aware of this, it is still going to have a big influence on their life. How they experience life can just be seen as normal, and if this is a good thing or a bad thing will all depend on what their life is like. The First Experience If someone does feel safe in their body and as though they deserve to exist, they are likely to have a good connection with their needs. Not only this, they will feel comfortable enough to reveal their needs. Consequently, they will be able to do what they need to do to fulfil their needs, which will allow them to grow. They will believe that they deserve to have their needs met and they will have the strength that they need to make this a reality. A Healthy Balance Both of these components will be important, as if they didn’t have the second part in place, they would have an entitlement mentality. And without the first component in place, it would be challenge for them to enjoy what they work for. Being able to work for something and then to truly be able to embrace it, once it has been attained, is the key. Fortunately, this person will have these two components in place, allowing them to bask in whatever they achieve. Another Area When it comes to the people in their life, there is going to be no need for one to hide who they are around these people. Instead of just part of them showing around them; their whole being will be able to show up. In other words, they will be able to express their true-self around these people. These are then likely to be relationships that are fulfilling and there will be no reason for them to feel restricted when they are in their company. Career Through believing that they deserve to have their needs a met and having the ability to take action, they might not have any trouble asserting themselves when they are at work. So whenever they get to the point when they know it is time for them to go to the next level, they will be happy to take the right steps. Deep down, they will know that they have as much right as anyone else to be on this planet and that it is down to them to make the most of it. What this outlook will do is stop them from expecting everything just to land on their lap. The Second Experience If someone doesn’t feel safe in their body and as though they deserve to exist, they are unlikely to have a good connection with their needs. And even if they do become aware of a need, it doesn’t mean that they will try to fulfil it. In general, they could spend most of their life focusing on other people’s needs. One will then look like separate being, yet they will typically act as though they are an extension of other people. Settling For Scraps Deep down, they could see themselves as a burden and this is then why they need to settle for whatever they can get in life. Asking directly for what they want and asserting themselves is not going to be an option. Other people are going to be able to have their needs met, but they will have to overlook most of their needs. Hiding their needs can be something that just happens, meaning that this is not something that they consciously choose to do. A Half-Life Ultimately, one will have as much right as anyone else to be here, yet it will be as though this isn’t the case. They could even work really hard, and have an over developed masculine element, only to receive very little in return. Still, what they could find is that when something good does happen, it is not possible for them to truly embrace it. They could play down what has happened and end up working towards the next thing. A Bleak Existence If they are in a relationship, they could be used to being walked over and doing things that they don’t really want to do. The fact that they don’t need to experience life in this way might not even cross their mind. They could just feel grateful that they are not alone and that someone actually wants to be with them. Like a parasite, they might believe that they need to stay with this person to be able to survive. What’s going on? On one side, there is how other people treat them and, on the other, there is how they treat themselves. Undoubtedly, the main issue here is that one doesn’t treat themselves with love and respect. The view that they have of themselves is playing a big part in why they are living a life that is anything but fulfilling. What this could illustrate is that their early years were a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Back In Time At this stage of their life, their developmental needs may have rarely, if ever, been met. This would have set them up to believe that there was something inherently wrong with both their needs and themselves. Disconnecting from their needs, along with their body, would have been a way for them to handle the pain of being neglected. If they were physically abused, this would have provided even more weight to the view that they didn’t deserve to be here/to be born. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Due to what took place, they are likely to carry a fair amount of trauma in their body. Resolving this trauma, in addition to working through their emotional pain and clearing up their ‘cognitive distortions’, is going to be vital.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one sees themselves as someone who is capable, it is naturally going to have a positive effect on their life. Through having this view, it will allow them to take the steps that they need to take to fulfil their goals.
Thanks to how they feel about themselves, they will believe that they have what it takes to fulfil their needs. Being this way is also going to help them to keep going when the ‘going gets tough’. A Strong Core The mind will be there to give them the support that they need and so will their emotional body. This doesn’t mean that there won’t ever be moments in their life when they get knocked down; what it means is that they are unlikely to stay down. Before long they could be back on their feet, with this being a time when they will look into what they can do to surmount the challenge that is in front of them. Ultimately, no matter what is put in front of them, they will typically believe that they have what it takes to overcome it. External Support If they hit a road block and are not sure how to overcome something, they could end up reaching out for support. Reaching out for support is then not going to be seen as a weakness in their eyes - it will be seen as the sensible thing to do. Not being able to do something is not going to be seen as a reflection of who they are, which is why they won’t need to hide it. In other words, not being able to do something won’t mean that they themselves are incapable. Two Essential Parts Feeling capable and being able to reach out to others is going to make it a lot easier for them to move forward in life. Also, having the ability to overcome challenges and achieve their goals is going to allow them to feel empowered and to feel good about themselves. Their mental and emotional health is then going to benefit as a result of the view that they have of themselves. Furthermore, they may find that this also stops them from experiencing too much fear. Trust One may even say that knowing that they will be able to handle just about whatever happens to them is what allows them to relax and to feel at pace. The view that they have of themselves, then, is going to stop them from living on edge and trying to hide from life. They will be able to embrace the life that they have been given and to truly live. From the outside it may seem as though one is just ‘lucky’, but what is taking place within them will be what enables them to experience life in this way. A Different Reality If, on the other hand, one doesn’t see themselves as someone who is capable, their life is likely to be radically different. Due to how they see themselves, they might not even go after their goals. Or if they do work towards something, they might give up as soon as it gets hard. It will be as if they have bit a brick wall and there is going to be absolutely nothing that they can do to go through it. Totally Helpless This is going to stop them from being able to move forward in life, setting them up to play small. Challenges are then not going to be seen as things for them to overcome; they will be seen as things for them to avoid. Their mind is unlikely be supportive and their emotional body is unlikely to provide them with the support that they need. As for reaching out for support, this might not even cross their mind. Exposed This could be seen as something that would let other people know how incapable they are. Therefore, in order for them to save face, they will need to do what they can to make sure that other people don’t realise this. Then again, they could be in a position where they look towards other people to always be there and to do just about everything for them. Unconsciously, one can see other people as parental figures that are there to take care of them. Another Consequence As a result of how they see themselves, it could be normal for them the experience a fair amount of fear. The reason for this is that they won’t feel as though they have what it takes to handle life. Their mental and emotional health is likely to suffer, and it will be difficult for them to truly embrace the life that they have been given. This could mean that they are rarely able to relax and to feel at peace. Stepping Back How they see themselves is not a true reflection of who they are, yet it will most likely be seen as the truth. This is likely to show that they have experienced life in this way for so long that they are simply unable to see this. Perhaps, their childhood years were a time when they didn’t receive the type of care that they needed to able to develop in the right way. For example, this may have been a time when they were neglected. A Big Impact To be left at this stage of their life would have been too much for them to handle, causing their whole being to be overwhelmed. This could have been something that took place on a regular basis. If the care that they needed was provided, there would have been no need for them to have spent so much time feeling overwhelmed and this would have allowed them to slowly develop inner strength. The years will then have passed, but how they felt all those years ago will have stayed within them. Awareness If this was also a time when they were physically abused, it would have been ever worse. Now that they are an adult, there will be what they believe and there will be all of the emotional pain that is within them. Taking this into account, just changing what they believe is unlikely to allow them to feel capable. Doing this will be similar to changing a label on a box; it won’t change what is in the box. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In today’s world, there is often more attention is given to people who are at the beginning of their life than there is to those who are going towards the end of it. Yet, it might be more accurate to say that people are often overlooked before they even get to this stage.
Youth What this partly shows is how much attention is given to all that is new, and when something is old (or older), it can be seen as having no value. This is not only something that applies to people; it also applies to material objects. Their value is then not based on anything other than their appearance, and the other quality’s that they bring to the world are then naturally going to be overlooked. In the same way, it won’t matter what an object can do if it no longer looks as it used to or if a newer version is available. The Media When it comes to looking for information on how people are viewed, one only needs to pick up a paper. Through doing this, there is the chance that they will see plenty of pictures of people who are in their twenties and thirties. In addition to this, they may come across a number of stories that talk about how older people are not receiving the kind of care that they need, for instance. It is then easy to come to the conclusion that the older generation are often pushed to the side. Anti-Aging The beauty industry will give one more insight into the kind of relationship that people have with their appearance. Having wrinkles is no longer seen as something that people have to put up with, and there are numerous ways for them to be removed. And although this is an industry that people of all ages support and one that offers all kinds of solutions, there is no denying the fact that the main purpose of these products is to reverse aging. One can then feel good through using them, but at the same time, they can come to believe that there is something wrong with getting older. Two Experiences This is not to say that both men and women have the same experiences when it comes to getting older, as this is rarely going to be the case. It can be a lot harder for a woman to get older than it can be for a man. The reason for this is that a woman’s appearance is something that can have a big effect on how people respond to her, and even more so if she is classed as being attractive. And even though a lot has been done to change how women see themselves (and how they are viewed), there have been other factors that have created problems. A New Focus In the past, it could be said that women were more likely to have children in the western world, and this then is something would have given their life meaning. Now, this is not to say that this is the only purpose they have on this planet; what it comes down to is that this would have taken a lot of their focus away from themselves. Through having children, there would have been the chance that they would end up having grandchildren. The perception they have of themselves would have changed when they had children and it would probably have changed again when their children had children. One Outlook However, if a woman was to focus on her career and didn’t care about starting a family, then it is going to be more important for her to look right and to maintain her appearance. This is because her whole life can revolve around her need to be successful and to move forward. Yet if she didn’t take this route or took the time to bring children up, the people around her wouldn’t be as concerned about whether she looks young or not. Who she is will be enough and she won’t need to prove herself to these people; in their eyes, she can’t be replaced, but the same can’t be said if she was in the working environment. A Difference What this shows is that men and women often experience life differently and when this isn’t taken into consideration, it can lead to more problems. It can be easy to believe that a woman is free if she doesn’t have children and enslaved if she does, but clearly there are pros and cons to both experiences. A Role Along with how someone can feel when their appearance changes, they can also view themselves differently when they retire. The meaning of their life will have changed and they can start to wonder if they have become irrelevant. When they were at work, they had a purpose to fulfil, and now that this has come to an end, they can experience a deep sense of emptiness. One could then end up spending a lot of time thinking about how their life used to be. The Other Side But just because someone one can feel this way when they get older, it doesn’t mean that they can’t feel this way when they are younger. One could have their whole life ahead of them and have plenty to offer, and they could still feel as though they are irrelevant. It could then be said that whether one feels relevant or not depends on their perspective and how they lead their life. Their purpose is likely to change as they get older, but that doesn’t mean that they no longer have one. Absolute Relevance If one wants to find people of all ages who are relevant, they will be able to find them. And in a lot of these cases, one will see that these people didn’t wait for other people to see them as being this way; they took it into their own hands. Nevertheless, no matter how relevant someone is, they are not going to be seen in this way by everyone. Thus, if one feels completely irrelevant, they could reflect on the fact that not everyone will see them in this way.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When it comes to how one sees themselves, they can be their own best friend or their own worst enemy. What this shows is how important their self-image is, and if they want to lead a fulfilling existence, it will be necessary for them to see themselves in a positive light.
At Times Now, this is not to say that one should always see themselves in this way, as there are likely to be times when this won’t be appropriate. For example, if one has acted destructively towards another, it will be normal for them to see themselves differently. Still, this will show that they have done something wrong and not that they are wrong. As a result of this, this is unlikely to be an inner experience that lasts for very long, and it will then be possible for them to return to how they were before. Alternatively However, when one has a negative view of themselves, they will be used to feeling bad. It then won’t matter what they do, as they are only going to be able to experience life in one way. But even if they haven’t done anything wrong, they could still come to the conclusion that they have. Through being this way, it is likely to mean that they will spend a lot of their time judging themselves. Self-Harm There is then going to be no reason for them to be with others in order to be harmed, and this is going to make their life harder than it needs to be. And as they harm themselves, there is a strong chance that they will be drawn to people who are abusive. If other people were to see what is taking place, they could see them as a victim, and this is because they don’t realise that what is taking place externally is a reflection of what is taking place within them. Thus, if one was to spend time with people who treated them differently, it is unlikely to feel right. Self-Sabotage The way they view themselves is then going to make it harder for them to spend time with people who are healthy. Not only this, it is also likely to be a challenge for them to move forward in their career. They could believe that they don’t deserve to be successful, or that they haven’t got what it takes. Ultimately, their life will be on hold, and they are going to be unable to make the most of the life that they have been given. Another Aspect And along with how one sees themselves, there can also be what they believe their purpose is. For example, one could believe that they are here to make a difference, and this could mean that they want to stop the injustice that is taking place in the world. This could be something that has influenced their career choice and/or it could be something that affects their day-to-day life. If it has had an impact on both of these areas, they could find it hard to relax. Two Parts On one side, there will be what they are drawn to at a global level, and on the other side, there will be what is taking place in their own life. Either way, there is generally going to be someone who will capture their attention. But if it doesn’t relate to an individual, it can be some kind of organisation instead. One could believe that they are ‘good’ and the person (or organisation) that they are focused on is ‘bad’. Emotional Experience This could mean that they will be used to feeling like a victim and seeing other people as the perpetrators. Yet although they will feel powerless and hopeless, these feelings will soon be covered up by anger. Through feeling this way, it will give them the energy that they need to ‘change the world’, or to put an end up what is taking place in their own life. Having said that, it is not always going to be this simple, and one will need to be patient or to find another problem to focus on. Stress It is then going to mean that they are likely to experience a lot of stress, and this is not going to be good for their wellbeing. Nevertheless, behaving in this way is going to give them a sense of control, and this is partly why they won’t be able to stop. If fact, if they were to take a step back and to experience life differently, they could feel a deep sense of emptiness. What this will then show is that they only know who they are when they have an enemy. An Agenda One way of looking at this would be to say that one is not being drive by the need to change the world; they are being driven by their need to avoid themselves. And when they have an enemy, it will be something that gives their life meaning. It is then not that one just happens to come across people who are out to cause harm or people who are being harmed; it is that one is actively looking for these kinds of situations. This is not to say that this takes place consciously, as it is likely to take place at a deeper level. A Short-Term Solution Not only will this allow them to know who they are and to experience a sense of control, it will also give them the opportunity to experience an emotional release. Through having a cause or someone to fight, they can express the anger and rage that is within them. Yet even though this is something that will take place, it doesn’t mean that it will have a lasting effect on them. As no matter what they do, there is a strong chance that their emotional state will return to how it was before. A Deeper Look What this can show is that there was a time in their life when they were harmed, and although time has passed, what took place is still defining their life. This could be a sign that one was abused and/or neglected during their childhood years. Their needs would then have rarely, if ever, have been met, and this would have stopped them from being able to develop a strong sense of self. This is why they need to have some kind of adversary in order to know who they are, as without this the only thing that would be left is how they felt when they were being harmed. Power It is then not a case of one letting go of their need to have an enemy and then settling down; it is that they can have an enemy and feel strong, or they can experience life differently and feel powerless. But even though the people they come into contact with can be seen as the cause of how they feel, they are simply a trigger of what is taking place within them. Another way of looking at this would be to say that one is trying to get revenge for something that took place years ago. This is also something that is described as ‘repetition compulsion’, and this is where one recreates the past in order to change the outcome. Awareness The wounded part within them causes one to do this so that they can receive what they were unable to receive during the beginning of their life. However, as the past is over and it is not going be possible for this to occur, it just sets one up to suffer unnecessarily. If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, it will be important for them to face the pain that is with them and for them to develop a sense of self. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
The mainstream media has been presenting images of people that have been edited for years, and as time has passed, social media has also allowed people to present images that have been edited. As a result of this, someone can go from being manipulated by the media at one point in time, to being the ones who manipulate others at another.
Focus This is not to say that they would realise what is taking place, as they might only be concerned about creating a certain impression. Through doing this, it could increase the amount of approval that they receive from others. Their well-being could then improve, and the effect their pictures might be having on others could be the last thing on their mind. What is also going to play a part here is how secure someone is. A Matter of Degree On one side, there are going to be people who heavily edit their pictures, and on the other side, there are going to be people who don’t. When they do, their pictures might not look anything like the originals, and when they don’t, there might not be much of a difference. If one finds it hard to accept themselves, they could have a greater need to edit their pictures. But while this may well lead to approval; it doesn’t mean it will have an effect on them, and this is because the approval they receive wont relate to what they actually look like. A False Image The responses that other people give them will be the result of the false image they have presented. Therefore, one might feel good when they are getting these responses and soon after, but there could be other moments where they feel completely different. Also, as they receiving approval through changing their image, it can make it even harder for them to accept themselves as they are. Whereas if one only made a few minor changes to their pictures; it would be easier for them to accept the feedback that they receive. Attached Yet when one is attached to an image that they have created, it is not going to be easy for them to let it go. In their eyes, this could be who they are, and the rest of their life can then be a reflection of the false-self that they have created. Other people could then see that they are out of touch with their true-self, but it might not be possible for them to realise this. All the time this false-self allows them to receive positive feedback, they are unlikely to change. The Real World While social media gives one a platform where they can present their false-self, it doesn’t mean that this is the only avenue. It is also going to be important for them to maintain this image at all times. In their day-today life, they will need to come across in the same way, and while this might be relatively easy, it might not. What this comes down to is that although one can edit their appearance online by pressing a few buttons, they can’t do the same thing in real life. Looking Perfect In this case, one won’t have to do much in order to look perfect online, but the same can’t be said when it come looking perfect offline. As a way to experience more control, one could end up having some kind of cosmetic surgery and/or procedures that are non-surgical Nowadays, these kinds of options are not only more accepted, they are also more affordable. However, even if one believes that they look perfect, it doesn’t mean they will always have this outlook. Change What is seen as the perfect look at one point in time is not necessarily going to be seen as the perfect look at another. Life is in a constant state of flux, and this is why perfection is nothing more than an illusion. Yet when it comes to what human beings perceive as perfect in the same or the opposite gender, it could be said that there will certain commonalities.. Along with this, what one person sees as perfect might not be same as what another person sees as perfect, and their outlooks could also change as time passes. Two Extremes When one has the need to look perfect it can be because they don’t feel comfortable with their appearance. Therefore, through creating the perfect appearance, it will then be possible for them to feel comfortable. One then sees themselves as being on one side of the spectrum, and through making a few adjustments, they will be end up on the other side. If one was ask other people what they thought about their appearance, they may find that other people don’t see them in the same way. Positive Feedback One might be told that there is nothing wrong with how they look, and others might say that they look attractive. The feedback they receive might not have an effect on them, and they could then carry on doing the same thing. But if they are able to take step back from themselves and to put their appearance to one side, they may find that their need to look perfect is a way for them to avoid how they feel. The painful feelings within them are then kept at bay through receiving positive feedback from others. Toxic Shame If they were to get in touch with how they feel, they could end up feeling worthless, and this could be how they have felt for most of their life. When one feels this way, it is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame. This could be a sign that one has experienced some kind of abuse, and this could have occurred during their adult years and/or during their childhood years. As a result of what happened, it would have caused one to create a shame-based identity, and as way to avoid the pain within them, they would have created a false-self. Awareness If they were to let go of this false-self, they would end up having to face the pain that is within them. In order for them to get in touch with their true-self, they will need to process the pain that they are carrying in their body. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there are people who appear to always be confident, there are also people who appear to always lack confidence. In this case, it would be easy to come to the conclusion that some people are more resourceful than others.
However, although this is how they come across, it is unlikely that this is how they always experience life. Just because one is known as someone who is confident, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have moments when they don’t feel this way. And when it comes to the person who is known as someone who is not confident, there is also the chance that they will have moments when they are confident. It could just be that they are so caught up in the moments when they are not, that it is not possible for them to realise this. Another Angle Nevertheless, even though someone can come across as confident, it doesn’t mean that they value themselves, and this is because confidence can be something that one experiences through pleasing others. Through behaving n a certain way and/or creating a certain image, one can end up feeling confident. The feedback that they receive could cause them to gradually internalise what they hear, but this might not happen. As a result of this, it will be important for them to be around people who continue to give them positive feedback. A Different Experience What this show is that although someone can appear to always be confident, this might soon change if it wasn’t for the feedback they received from others. At a deeper level, they might not value themselves, and this means that the image they present to others is nothing more than an illusion. It will then be important for them to hide who they really are, and this is something that will occur through projecting a certain image to others. Through this, it will be possible for them to receive the kind of feedback that will allow them to feel confident. Self-Acceptance Alternately, when one accepts themselves as they are, it is not going to be as important for other people to accept them. The image they project will be a reflection of who they are as opposed to who others want them to be. This doesn’t mean that they will always be confident; what it is likely to mean is that they won’t feel the need to always have it together. They will be coming from a place of authenticity. Self-Worth They might realise that it is not possible for everyone to accept them, and they might believe that unconditional acceptance is something that they could only experience during their childhood. Therefore, if one accepts themselves as they are, it could be a sign that they their childhood was a time where they were loved for who they were. However, this might not be the case, and this could mean that one has had to re-parent themselves as an adult. Their adult’s years have then been a time where they have had to heal their inner-child, and to give themselves what their caregivers were unable to give them. Firm Foundations Through being in touch with their true-self and accepting themselves as they are, it will be easier for them to feel good about themselves. As a result of this, it can then be normal for them to feel confident. Yet, when they do feel confident, they are less likely to come across as arrogant, and this is because they are in their body. Through being in their body, they are going to be in touch with their shame, and this will play a vital role in them being able to stay grounded. Shame This will allow one to remain in touch with their humanity, and to see that they are neither less-than others nor more-than others. There may be times when they lose touch with their shame, but this is more likely to be the exception as opposed to the rule. In this case, it will mean that their shame is on their side; but when one carries toxic shame, it can cause them to disconnect from their shame. Or if this doesn’t take place, it can cause one to end up feeling completely worthless. No Confidence Therefore, if one doesn’t have any confidence, it can be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. One approach can then be for them to disconnect from how they feel, and this can then cause them to come across as shameless. Through being out of touch with their own humanity, it will be normal for them to come across as arrogant. What this shows is that they have gone from one extreme to another. Why Is This? Another way of looking at this would be to say that they have ended up creating a false-self, and even though they come across as though they are full of confidence, this is nothing more than a cover up. If they were to get in touch with their true feelings once more, they are likely to revert to how they were before. When one goes from having no confidence to being arrogant, it is likely to be a sign that the feedback they receive from others has changed in some way. One may have been elevated to a certain position, changed their appearance and/or achieved some kind of success, for instance, and this has then enabled them to disconnect from their true feelings. Avoidance However, even though they would have started to feel better about themselves, they would still have had feelings that caused them to feel bad about themselves. This would have meant that they gradually pushed these feelings out of their awareness and become caught up with the feelings that allowed them to feel good. While this would have seemed like the best thing to do, it would have set them up to disconnect from not only their toxic shame, but also their healthy shame. Another approach would have been for them to embrace their ‘negative’ feelings and to work through them, and through doing this; it would have allowed them to stay in touch with their true-self. Awareness When it comes to one accepting themselves as they are, it will be important for them to let go of what has built-up within them. This is because one’s inherent worth is not something that can be experienced through attaining things; it is something that will be experienced through letting go. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group can provide the support that one needs to work through their toxic shame, and anything else that they need to work on.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Self-Image: Is Someone Who Feels Inferior More Likely To Get Help Than Someone Who Feels Superior?6/8/2015
When one has a challenge in their life, they can think that they don’t need to put in a lot of effort or they may think they need to put in a lot of effort. It can all depend on what part they believe that are playing in what is taking place.
However, just because one is playing a part in what is taking place; it doesn’t mean they are willing to take responsibility. In this case, they can see themselves as observers and the people around them as being the cause. Alternatively, one could respond to life in the opposite way, and this means they can be the ones who take responsibility for everything that happens. Through having this outlook, they will see the people around them as being nothing more than the observers of what is happening. Out of Balance Ideally, one will look into what they are responsible for and what they are not responsible for. If they don’t take this approach, they will be out of balance, and while being responsible is often seen as being better than being irresponsible, if one takes on what isn’t there’s, they are going to suffer unnecessarily. They may end up being seen in a positive light, but they are going to use a lot of energy and their well-being is going to be effected. Whereas, if one was to always blame others, they are not going to use as much energy, but they will suffer as time passes. Behaviour Their behaviour is not going to endear them to others and this is going to cause one to be seen in a negative light. And while the people around them may wonder why they can’t see what part they are playing, they might be oblivious to how they have anything to with what is taking place. It could then be said that one person is focused on what is taking place externally and the other has very little, if any, awareness of what is taking place. And even if they do have moments when they are aware, they are likely to block out any feedback that arises. Out of Touch The person who is overly responsible is likely to be in a position where they are more aware of others people’s needs than they do of their own, and this mean they are out of touch with their own needs. If one avoids responsibility, they are likely to be so concerned with their own needs that they are unable to respond to the needs of others. Focusing on others is then a way for one person for stop themselves from being rejected, and while the other person still fears being rejected, they avoid feeling rejected through detaching from the external world. Each person behaves in a different way, but each approach is a way for one to protect themselves from pain. Different Sides When one always takes responsibility for everything, they are likely to see themselves as being flawed. They are the reason things go wrong and as a result of this, it is going to be normal for them to see themselves as the ‘problem’. However, when one always blames others, they are likely to believe that there is nothing wrong with them and that it is other people who are flawed. They are then not the reason things go wrong, and therefore, it is going to be normal for them to see other people as the ‘problem’. Boundaries It is clear to see that each person lacks boundaries; they don’t realise where they begin and where they end. Being overly responsible is a sign that one is enmeshed to others and doesn’t have a strong sense of self. And when one always blame others, it shows that it is not possible for them to own their own reality, and this also shows that their sense of self is not based on firm foundations. The idea they have of themselves is likely to be something they have created to avoid how they really feel. Moving On While one could just continue to take the blame because of how they feel about themselves, there is also the chance there will come a time where they will look for answers. This is a partly because they believe there is something wrong with them, and this can then give them the impetus to reach out. If, on the other hand, one has covered up how they truly feel about themselves and is always pointing the finger at others, there is not much chance of them looking for answers. This is primarily because they believe there is nothing wrong with them, and there is then no need for them to change. An Asset What this shows is that when one feels inferior and see themselves as the problem, they can be in a better position than someone who feel superior and sees others as the problem. And as they start to let go and realise their inherent value, they will no longer need to be overly responsible. This doesn’t mean that someone who always blames others won’t read books on self-development or end up in therapy, for instance. But if this does take place, they are likely to be looking for ways to decorate their false-self and/or it will be way for them to find other people who agree with their outlook. Awareness Through being around people who validate their outlook, they won’t need to see what part they are playing and they can then carry on with their life. Yet, if their therapist was to encourage them to look at what part they are playing, they may soon stop seeing them. If one wants to let go and to realise what they are responsible for and what they are not, they may need to work with a therapist. During this time, one is likely to be letting go of toxic shame, among other things.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If someone was to hear the word ‘control’, there is a chance that something negative will come to mind. They may begin to think about someone who is ‘controlling’, or they may think about a situation in their life that is stopping them from being themselves.
However, this might not take place, and it could cause one to think about how they feel when their life is going to plan. In this case, the word has had a positive influence on them, and it is not something that has caused them to have a negative reaction. Neutral One may also start to think about how it can be used in the right way and how it can be used in the wrong way. Based on their outlook, they may say that it can all depend on what it relates to. Clearly, controlling others is not a good thing, but the same can’t be said when it comes to having control over one’s own life. The first example could be described as win-lose, and the second as win-win. Outlook While one’s personal experiences will shape the outlook they have when it comes to control, there is also going to be other sources. What they hear from the people they know and the media will also have an impact on what they believe. If one is into self-development, for instance, this may mean that this is something they have read about. As a result of what they have gone through or what they have heard from others, they may have decided to give up control. Just Let Go What this will show is that they have come to the conclusion that control is a bad thing, and letting go of control is then a good thing. The need to experience control could be seen as something that will cause one to disconnect from the flow of life. Letting go of this need is then a more ‘evolved’ approach, and they may also say that control is something that the ‘ego’ wants to experience. Therefore, in order for one to grow and to develop, it will be important for them to let go and to trust. Trust When one experiences trust, it would be easy to say that they have renounced their need to be in control. Yet, this is not the complete truth, and this is because they will still be able to experience a sense of control. They may not know what is going to happen or receive what they expect to receive, but they will be able to have their needs fulfilled by opening up and letting go. In this case, letting go of their need to experience control will allow them to experience control. Back To Reality Having the need to control everything is going to cause one to experience problems, and this is partly because it is not possible for them to control everything. There are very few things that someone has control over and this is why it will set them up to suffer unnecessarily. However, even though it is impossible to experience complete control, it doesn’t mean that letting go of control is the answer. If one was unable to experience control, they would also end up suffering in one way or another. Healthy Control When one has a healthy sense of control, it will have a positive effect on their wellbeing. This is because they won’t feel like a victim, and as though they have no control over their life. On one side, they will see that they are not in complete control, and on the other, they will realise that they are not powerless either. And through having this outlook, one will have a greater chance of achieving what they want to achieve Inner Control Yet, just because someone is unable to experience outer control, it doesn’t mean they have to feel powerless, and this is because they can make up for it through experiencing inner control. In this case, what is taking place externally is out of their hands, but what is taking place within them is in their hands. If they were unable to experience inner control and they were only able to experience control through what is taking place externally, it will be harder for them to maintain a positive outlook. They will be in a position where they are completely dependent on what is taking place externally. Helplessness Alternatively, when someone feels as though they have no control, they are not going to end up feeling helpless. It will then be normal for them to feel like a victim, and as though they are unable to achieve what they want to achieve. This could then set them up to be depressed, and as they feel they have no control over their life, this is to be expected. It will be challenge for them to enjoy their time on this earth, and they may look towards other people to save them. Learned Behaviour However, even though one feels helpless and as though they have no control, it doesn’t mean that this outlook reflects reality. As a result of the experiences they have had, and how they have interpreted these experiences, one would have gradually learnt to be helpless. This outlook may have been formed during their younger’s years, and while they were helpless then, this is no longer the case. Or it may relate to a situation that has occurred over and over again, and one then came to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do to change it. Change So in order for someone to realise that they are not helpless, they will need to change their outlook. And although experiencing life in this way is having a negative effect on their life, there may be a secondary gain. On one level, their outlook is sabotaging their life, but on another level, there may be a fear around moving forward. This is likely to be something that one is unaware off; however, it is still defining their life. Awareness One may need to seek external assistance, and this can come about through working with a therapist or some kind of coach. And as they start to change their outlook and to deal with the reasons why they have stopped themselves from moving forward, their life will start to change.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there are some people on this planet who believe that they above others, there are also people who believe that they are below others. And this can be something that one is aware of or it could be an outlook that is outside of their awareness.
However, regardless of whether one is aware of it or not, it is going to have a big impact on their life. Yet, if one is aware of how they feel about themselves, they might do everything they can do change how they feel. Up and Down It would be easy to say that some people feel inferior and some people feel superior, but it is not this black and white. When someone feels as though other people are above them, it doesn’t mean they always feel this way. There is a strong chance that they will have moments in their life when they rise up and end up feeling as though they are above others. The difference between how they experience life and how someone experiences life who feels as though they are superior is that they look up to others more than they look down on them. Temporary When someone looks down on others they are going to be used to being up, but when someone looks up to others they are going to be used to being down. Therefore, each person is going to be able to relate to the other persons experience. During those moments when they are able to rise up, they might start to feel good about themselves. But these kinds of experiences are not going to happen very often, and this is going to mean that there is not much chance of them being seen as arrogant. Idealisation Based on how they feel about themselves, it is going to be normal for them to put other people on a pedestal. No matter what they can do or what they bring to the world, other people will be seen as having something they don’t. And while there will be certain things that other people have that they don’t, this is not going to apply to everything. However, as a result of what is taking place within them, it is not going to be possible for them to realise this. Two Outcomes This could mean that they are unable to move forward and to go after what they want in life, but it could also lead to another outcome. As a result of how they feel, it could cause them to work harder than others, and this is going to be a way for them to compensate for how they feel about themselves. From the outside, they may come across as though they are full of belief, but this is going to be nothing more than an illusion. Once they have achieved something they might be able to feel good, but this is going to be an experience that is short-lived. A Black Hole Once the feeling has worn off, they are likely to end up feeling completely worthless once more. And as a way to keep their feelings at bay, they might end up trying to achieve something else. But no matter what they achieve or what they do to improve themselves, it is not going to make a difference. When something bad happens to them it will go straight in, but when it relates to something positive, nothing happens. Confidence This is naturally going to have a negative effect on their confidence, and one may come across as shy or withdrawn. One may believe that other people can see how inferior they are, and this may cause them to isolate themselves from others. There is also a strong chance they will have anxiety problems, and this is partly going to come down to their fear of being of being exposed. They are going to believe that if other people found out how worthless they are, they would abandon them. Making Mistakes While getting things wrong and making mistakes is part of life, it is going to be a challenge for them to see this. Based on how they feel about themselves, they are not going to want to let others see that they are imperfect. Inner Critic This is going to cause them to feel extreme pressure, and they are likely to be their own worst enemy. It might not matter how much other people criticise them; as their inner citric might be even worse. However, all the time they feel the way they do; they are not going to be able to show compassion towards themselves, and they won’t expect it from others either. In their mind, they are not good enough, and they are not going to feel as though they fit in or that they belong on this planet. Hopeless When someone experiences life in this way, they are likely to end up feeling hopeless, and based on how they are experiencing life, this is a normal reaction. Yet, even though one feels as though they are below others, this is not the truth. What this shows is that one is disconnected from their inherent worth, and this is likely to be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. And all the time one is carrying this within them, it is not going to be possible for them to feel human. Toxic Shame They will have to experience life from a position of being less-than others or they will have to be more-than others; there is no middle ground. Their true self will have been covered up by their false self. This could be a sign that one was abused and/or neglected during their childhood years, or it may relate to how they have been treated throughout their adult years. One’s needs wouldn’t have been met, and they would have come to believe that there is something inherently wrong with them. Awareness In order for one to experience life from this middle ground and to longer look up or down to others, they will need to let go of the emotional build-up that is within them. It will also be important for them to be affirmed for who they are. As this takes place, it will be possible for one to get back in touch with their inherent worth, and to realise there is nothing wrong with them. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. One may need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to face the toxic shame within them until the charge begins to discharge.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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