If someone was brought up by a narcissistic parent, they are unlikely to be in a good way now that they are an adult. This is, of course, assuming that they haven’t started to heal any of their inner wounds.
Ultimately, at this stage of their life, in order to grow and develop in the right way, they needed two parents who were able to attune to their needs and generally meet them. This would have meant that they were loved by them. The Opposite But, as at least one of their parents was emotionally unavailable, was caught up with their own needs, lacked empathy, was cruel and saw them as an extension of themselves, this wouldn’t have taken place. Instead, they would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. If their other parent was more human and was around, this stage of their life might not have been as destructive as it would have been otherwise. Yet, this parent might have been very passive and not stood up for them, which would have also played a part in the damage that was done to them. Emotionally Starved So, this may have been a time when their basic needs were generally met such as their need for food, water, clothing and shelter. But, apart from these needs, it is likely to have been as though they were living in a desert. The reason for this is that thanks to one of their parents not having the inability to recognise them as a separate human being who had their own needs and feelings, they wouldn’t have received the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow a strong sense of self. Therefore, although they would have experienced a physical birth, they wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth. Empty By not receiving the nutrients that they needed, they would have been forced to disconnect from their body and create a false self. The purpose of this false self would have been to please this parent and receive their attention and acceptance. As they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them and they were unlovable. Another part of this is that believing that they were the problem would have given them a false sense of control and the hope that, if they tried hard enough, they would be loved. Totally Powerless But, as this parent was unable to love them, it wouldn’t have mattered how they behaved or what they did. If they had accepted this at this stage of their life, though, it would have been too much for them to handle. Below the false self that they were forced to create in order to survive would have been the pain, unmet developmental needs and parts of themselves that were not seen as acceptable. The felt sense of safety, belonging, worth, deserving and love that would have been developed had this parent been different won’t be there, causing them to feel empty as an adult. A Strange Scenario So, after exploring what took place during their early years and taking the steps to gradually heal their inner wounds, they can wonder why this parent behaved in this way. Most likely, this parent had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. During this stage of their life, they probably had at least one parent who was unable to attune to their needs and generally meet them. This parent probably also had a parent or parents who were unable to be there for them during their formative years. A Brutal Time For them to handle what was going on, they would have ended up disconnecting from their body and creating an inflated false self. Not being connected to themselves would have stopped them from feeling ashamed, worthless and unlovable, for instance, but, it would have undermined their ability to connect with and attune to other people. Moreover, as they didn’t receive what they needed to be able to move through each developmental stage, they wouldn't have realised that other people were not an extension of them. They would then have been an adult and had a child who needed to receive but they would have felt like a powerless and dependent child deep down and needed a parent. One Generation to Another If they had been able to face what was going on for them and healed some if not all of their inner wounds, they wouldn’t have harmed their own child to the same degree. But, as they were alienated from themselves and were unconsciously doing just about everything that they could to avoid their own pain, they more or less repeated what was done to them. A big part of what allowed them to keep their inflated false self in place would have been for them to project their own issues into others and not engage in self-reflection. What this illustrates is that as strong as they might have appeared to be, their self was built on sand and that they were not in a good way mentally or emotionally. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Attract People Who Are Narcissistic?5/4/2024
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they have been in a number of relationships with people who were narcissistic. They may even see that there are a number of people in their life who are like this.
When they think about what these people were like, what can soon come to mind is that they always needed to be the centre of attention, to be admired, were overly entitled, self-centred, and lacked empathy, for instance. Naturally, being in a relationship with someone like this would have had a big impact on them. Two Parts Yet, even when a relationship like this came to an end, it probably wasn’t possible for them to just put what took place behind them and go back to living their life. The reason for this is that being with someone like this is likely to have greatly undermined them. To use an analogy, it will have been as though they were in a war zone at one moment and in the next, they were undergoing rehabilitation. Even if they were not physically harmed, their mental and emotional self will have been wounded. A Closer Look Due to what the other person was like, it would have been normal for them for them to be deprived. They will have given a lot to the other person, while they will have received very little in return. As a result of this, a number of their needs would have rarely if ever been met, undermining their sense of self in the process. Instead of there being two individuals in the relationship, then, they would have been seen as an extension of their partner. A Bleak Time During this time, feeling ignored, invisible, used, worthless, powerless, rejected, unlovable and low would have been the norm. They are likely to have had a deep sense that they didn’t matter and didn’t have an impact. But, each time they were in a relationship like this, they might not have been able to simply cut their ties and move on. Thanks to how worn down they were, they might have ended up staying with them for many weeks, months or even years. Finding Themselves After having been in a number of relationships that were like this, they could wonder why they have ended up in this position on so many occasions. They might not be able to accept that they are just unlucky. They might also see that they were victimised by the person they were with but they can’t accept that they are inherently a victim. At this point, they could start to explore what it was like for them during their formative years. Back In Time If they were to do this, what they may gradually find is how this area of their life is very similar to how it was for them as a child. What this can show is that their mother or father was emotionally unavailable, consumed by their own needs, cruel and lacked empathy. Not only this but this parent might not have been able to accept that they were a separate human being who had their own needs and feelings. If so, they would have treated them as though they were merely an extension of themselves. The outcome Consequently, they wouldn’t have received the attunement and love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Their feelings would have typically been ignored as would a number of their needs. The attention and acceptance that they did receive would have been based on them hiding themselves and playing a role. If they did freely express themselves and acted like an individual, they might have soon been criticised, harmed and/or rejected and abandoned. The Meaning At this stage of their life, they were powerless and totally dependent, so they needed attention and acceptance. They then had no other choice but to adapt to their parent and lose themselves. Not being seen, heard and supported for who they were would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. Feeling ignored, invisible, scared, angry, guilty, worthless, ashamed, helpless, hopeless, unloved, unwanted and hurt is likely to have been a common experience. The Truth And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that the reason their parent behaved in this way was because there was something inherently wrong with them. In reality, this parent was likely to have been deeply wounded and unable to love them. There is a strong chance that this parent didn’t receive the love that they needed during their formative years and ended up developing a disconnected and inflated false self to handle the pain they were in. What took place will be in the past, but the beliefs that they developed, along with the pain and unmet developmental needs that ended up being repressed, will anchor them to their past. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Over the years, someone may have spent a fair amount of time around people who always wanted to be the centre of attention, to always be admired, had a strong sense of entitlement and were self-centred, for instance. Unlike these people, they could come across in a very different way.
So, they might typically avoid attention, have no interest in being admired, not feel entitled to anything and spend a lot of time being focused on others. Thus, to say that they are anything like these people wouldn’t be accurate. Random Thanks to the experiences that they have had around people like this, they may have spent a lot of time researching why someone would behave in this way. They may have learned that these people are deeply wounded and rarely if ever change. However, if they were to put what is going on for someone like this to one side and look at their behaviour, they might soon see that they are also out of balance. What might enter their mind is how they have gone too far to the other extreme. Two Sides If the people who are on the other side of the spectrum need to turn the volume down, they need to turn the volume up, so to speak. They are then going to need to allow themselves to receive attention, to be admired from time to time, to develop a healthy sense of entitlement and to be there for themselves, for instance. By being this way, they are not going from one extreme to another; they will be becoming more balanced. But, although this will be the right thing for them to do, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable doing this. Resistance What they could find, if they were to imagine becoming more balanced, is that they feel deeply uncomfortable. They could experience anxiety and a fair amount of guilt and shame. It could be said that there is no reason for them to be this way and that the thoughts that they have and how they feel are irrational. Even so, if they were to look back on what their early years were like, what is going on for them might make complete sense. Back In Time This may have been a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and consumed by their own needs. As a result of this, they wouldn’t have been able to be there for them and provide with them the love that they needed. They would have seldom received attention, had their needs and feelings acknowledged, been supported and encouraged, or treated as though they were valuable and lovable. A Big Impact At this stage of their life, in order to grow and develop in the right way, they needed to receive a lot of attention, for their needs and feelings to be acknowledged, to be supported for who they were, and treated as though they were valuable and lovable. But, while this didn’t take place, these needs wouldn’t have disappeared. No, these developmental or narcissistic needs would have ended up being removed from their conscious awareness and repressed. If they had stayed connected to these needs, they would have suffered even more. An Adaption Over time, they would have lost touch with their embodied true self and developed a disembodied false self. This self would have related to them being needless and being comfortable not being seen and heard. But, underneath this disembodied false self would have been all the needs that had not and were not being met. They were then, at this point, a stranger to themselves and had fully adjusted to their depriving environment. The Next Stage Now, the years will have passed and they will no longer be a child, but, they will still carry their unmet developmental needs. These needs, along with a number of their adult needs, will be outside of their conscious awareness but they will continue to influence how they experience life. The people, who they have spent time with, who appeared to be very different to them, will have then been a reflection of what they need to heal inside themselves. The trouble is that as they won’t have been aware of what was taking place outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak. A Time of Integration For their life to change and for them to no longer be drawn to people who are out of balance, they will need to do at least two things. First, they will need to face and work through their unmet development needs and the pain that they experienced. Second, they will need to reconnect to the adult needs that they have been out of touch with. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone doesn’t believe that they are enough, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. But, even if this is the case, it is still going to have a big impact on their life.
So, by having this software running, they can more or less always be on the go and trying to achieve something. This might mean that they are seen as someone who is successful or it might not. Never Ending But, no matter what they have achieved or what they achieve, they are unlikely to slow them. The reason for this is that irrespective of what they achieve in the external world, it won’t change what is taking place outside of their conscious awareness. Due to this, they will continue to be unknowingly driven by what is taking place for them at a deeper level. If they were to slow down, they might soon come into contact with some of the inner material that they have been running away from for however long and not be in a good way. One Area Now, while they might be doing well when it comes to their career, for instance, this might not be the case when it comes to their love life. They might not have been able to make much progress when it comes to their love life. They might have been on a number of dates but not gone much further than this. Or, they might have been in a number of relationships but, before long, they might have come to an end. Very Challenging If they have been in a number of relationships that have not lasted for very long, the other person might have always ended the relationship. Each time that this took place, they might have felt very low and even depressed. When they were in a relationship, they might have typically focused on the other person's needs and done what they could to please them. They would then have given a lot and, most likely, received very little in return. The Next Stage After a relationship came to an end, they might have come to the conclusion that they were missing something. For example, they might have believed that they were not as desirable as they needed to be and/or needed more money. But, if they did end up working on their appearance and/or earned more money, this is unlikely to have had much of an impact. Additionally, putting in all this extra effort and not making any progress may have caused them to feel helpless and helpless. Steeping Back What can cause them to step back and reflect on their life is a painful breakup. After realising that what they are doing is not allowing them to experience what they desire, they can wonder why their life is this way. What can end up standing out is that they don’t believe that they are enough, and this is why it doesn’t matter what they do and why they are unable to sustain a relationship. If they were to talk to a friend about what is going on for them, they could be told that what they believe is not true and that they are enough. Going Deeper The truth is that they are enough, so why don’t they know this at the core of their being? What this can show is that their early years were a time when they missed out on the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been rejected and left by their mother and perhaps their father. This could show that one of both of their parents was emotionally unavailable and unable to love them. A Natural Outcome Being treated in this way would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed the pain they were in and a number of their developmental needs. The other part of this is that as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that the reason they were treated in this way was because they were not enough and were worthless and unlovable. In reality, how they were treated had nothing to do with them and everything to do with what was going on for their mother and perhaps their father. It’s over What took place will be in the past, but, thanks to what they believe and the pain and unmet developmental needs that they are carrying, they will be unconsciously re-creating this early experience. An experience where they can’t accept that they are enough and some if not all of what they desire is out of their reach. For them to gradually put this stage of their life behind them, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet development needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even if a man fears women, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. If so, being this way will have a big impact on his life but he won’t realise what is going on.
But, while he won’t be aware of this, a friend or family member, for instance, could be aware of this. It might then seem strange as to how another person could see this but he himself is unable to. Self-Deception Nevertheless, his brain will stop him from being able to see this, not to harm him, but to protect him. As, if he was to become aware of this, it could cause him to be overwhelmed with pain, and thereby, make it hard for him to keep it together and function. What this illustrates is that his brain will do what it can to make sure that he doesn’t fall apart mentally and emotionally. It is then not doing what it can to stop him from being able to see clearly; it is doing what it can to keep him alive. A Restricted Life Now, by being this way, it can mean that he typically keeps women at a distance. Or, even if he does spend time with them, he might rarely allow himself to get physically or emotionally close to a woman. Naturally, this is going to mean that a number of his needs will rarely if ever be met. So, the physical and emotional needs that a woman can meet are generally going to be ignored and denied. Missing Out Yet, as he is unaware of how a part of him is holding himself back in this area of his life, he could believe that women are the problem or that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding him back. For example, he could believe that women are distant and/or are not into him. Thus, if women were different, this area of his life would also be different. Additionally, he could believe that he is not attractive enough, doesn’t make enough money and/or doesn’t have the right body type. A Bleak Existence As he is being deprived when it comes to this area of his life, he can often feel hopeless and helpless. To try to make himself feel better, he could spend a lot of time viewing porn, eating and/or drinking, for instance. If he was an independent human being as opposed to an interdependent human being, it would be different. For him to be at his best and live a fulfilling life, he will need to meet his relational needs. Another Experience Sooner or later, he could have an experience or a number of experiences that make him step back and reflect on his life. He could end up dating a woman and find that he doesn’t feel very comfortable. Additionally, he could see that he is focused on her needs and does what he can to please her. He will then lose himself and become very easy-going and even submissive. A Different Experience If he were to think about changing his behaviour, he could end up feeling very anxious. The woman that he is with could also be very cold and critical at times, giving him an even greater need to please her. After a while, this relationship could come to an end and he could start dating another woman who is very similar. Once again, he can feel more like a scared boy than a man and expressing himself can be very difficult. The Other Side If this were to come to an end, he could wonder why he feels so uncomfortable when he is with a woman and is unable to be at ease and in his power. He might also wonder why he wasn’t able to see that it was a part of him, not what was going on externally, that was stopping him from being able to get close to a woman for however long. As far as he is concerned, apart from if he is with a woman who is abusive, there can be no reason for him to feel unconformable when he is with a woman. Nonetheless, if he were to take a closer look at what took place during his formative years, what is going on for him might soon make sense. Back In Time At this stage of his life, his mother might have largely been emotionally unavailable and often been physically and verbally abusive. He then needed an attuned and loving mother who could typically meet his needs, but, what he got was a mother who was unable to provide him with the love he needed. As a result of this, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. But, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he couldn’t change her or find another woman who could mother him. The Outcome Due to this, he had to adapt to what was going on, which would have involved him losing touch with his feelings and a number of his needs and disconnecting from his body. Therefore, as he couldn’t leave the environment he was in, he had to leave himself. And, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that he was worthless and unlovable. Moreover, his mother wouldn’t have represented what all women were like but his underdeveloped brain would have generalised the experience that he was having, with his mother being seen as what all women are like. Moving Forward With this in mind, he will feel uncomfortable when he gets close to a woman as, to his unconscious mind, she will be his mother. This is partly because this part of him has no sense of time and is blind. For him to be able to see a woman clearly, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After going through a breakup, a man could decide to take his time before he dates or merely share his body with another woman. If so, this can show that he has been greatly affected by what has happened.
Then again, this might not be the case but he might just want to take a break and focus on other areas of his life. This may show that certain areas of his life had been neglected. One Scenario If he has been greatly affected by what has happened, he won’t be in a position to simply ‘move on’. He can be in a lot of pain and it could be hard for him to carry on as normal. Getting out of bed can then be a challenge and he might not have much energy throughout the day. If he were to talk about what is going on for him to a friend, they could be very understanding and supportive. A Deep Hole Along with the pain that he is experiencing as a result of his relationship coming to an end, there can be pain that has been unlocked from his early years. Therefore, although he will be an adult, the pain that he experienced as a child and was repressed wouldn’t have simply disappeared. This pain will have been held inside his unconscious mind, and, after be bonded with a woman and this bond was broken, some of it will have entered his conscious awareness. Naturally, with this additional pain, it will be harder for him to handle what he is going through. Seeing It Through Now that this pain has been unlocked, it will be a good idea for him to face and work through it, along with the pain that has arises due to the breakup. If he doesn’t do this and just pushes it out of his conscious awareness, he is likely to come into contact with it after he experiences another breakup or a loss. At this point, it is likely to be even harder for him to handle how he feels. The reason for this is that there is likely to be more pain than before. A Process When it comes to how long it will take him to work through this pain, it can all depend on how much pain he is carrying. It could take a number of months or this could go on for even longer. Even so, it probably won’t be necessary for him to have worked through all this pain before he is ready to let another woman into his life. What matters is that he listens to himself and does what is right for him. Another Scenario Conversely, after a man has experienced a breakup, it might not be long until he shares his body with another woman. After a few months have passed, he might have had sex with a number of different women. From the outside, it can seem as though he has moved on from his ex-girlfriend. And, if his ex-girlfriend were to hear about some of the things that he has been doing, she could also come to the same conclusion and believe that she didn’t mean much to him. A Closer Look Now, he may have moved on and having sex with different women can be a way for him to take care of his sex drive and experience a sense of freedom. After a while, he might lose interest in behaving in this way and end up dating a woman. At the same time, how he is behaving can primarily be a way for him to avoid the pain that he is in. If this is the case, his pain, along with certain needs, will have become sexualised, which will have increased his sex drive, and, by having sex, he will be able to keep this pain from entering his conscious awareness and release tension. Another Element The breakup will then have had a big impact on him and he won’t have moved on. Along with this, he can be unconsciously looking for the love that he missed out on as a child. On one level, another woman won’t be his mother, but at a deeper level, he can see another woman as his mother. By having sex with her, he will be able to symbolically receive the love that he missed out on. Two Levels What this illustrates is that there is how a man will see a woman consciously and how he will see a woman unconsciously. Having sex will then allow him to feel loved but as a woman is not his mother and it is too late for him to receive this love, this won’t be an inner experience that will last. Thus, to keep his pain at bay and avoid facing how he feels, he will need to continually have sex with different women. At one stage or another, behaving in this way might not allow him to avoid how he feels. Moving Forward He could then find another way to avoid how he feels or he could face how he feels. If the latter takes place, this will allow him to become a more integrated human being. Instead of his life being driven by his need to avoid how he feels, he can be driven by his need to freely express himself. Working through his pain and experiencing his unmet developmental needs will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was mistreated during their formative years, they might not be in a good way now that they are an adult. In fact, their life could be one big struggle, with them wondering if they even want to be alive.
However, even if they are not in a good way, it doesn’t mean that they will know why their life is this way. The reason for this is that their brain may have caused them to forget about most of what took place in order to protect them. The Outcome If so, it can be as though they just have something wrong with them and this is why they can’t handle life. Or, they could believe that they have a chemical imbalance and were, thus, born with a faulty brain. Either way, neither of these assessments or one that is similar to it is going to shed light on why they are this way. If they were to end up being put on medication, then, it might make it easier for them to function but it certainly won’t heal the damage that was done to them during their childhood. Different Direction But, even if they do go on medication, they could end up looking into what their childhood was like. What could play a part in them going down this path is that they could see a post on social media or a friend could mention something that gets the ball moving. After this, they could watch videos, read articles and books, and feel the call to work with a therapist. This can be a time when it is as though they were in a dark room for most of their life and now the lights are starting to come on. A Tough Time Their early years might have been brutal and working through their pain and facing their unmet developmental needs won’t be easy. But, with external support and the strength that they now have by being an adult, they have what it takes to gradually heal themselves. After working with a therapist for a while, they can have the need to speak to the parent or parents who abused them. This can also be something that they have the need to do even if they are not working with a therapist and are doing work on themselves. A Big Step Assuming that it is one parent who mistreated them, they can arrange a time to see them or they can just call them or turn up at their home. After they have mentioned a few things and perhaps asked them why they treated them in this way, they may receive a very positive response. So, this parent can validate what they say, empathise with them and show compassion. From this, it will show that although they treated them badly and caused them a lot of harm, they are now willing to help them heal. The ideal This parent might be very old and frail, but, even if this is the case, this won’t prevent them from being there for their adult child. What this response is also likely to show is that they don’t have a personality disorder. If they did, they are likely to have had a very different experience when they opened up to this parent. If, for example, they were abused by both of their parents and they had opened up to their other parent, they might not have made much headway as this parent might have a personality disorder. A Big Help Anyway, having this parent’s support is likely to make it easier for them to heal the damage that was done to them. This parent might even be willing to go with them when they have therapy, assuming that they are having therapy. In any case, talking over what happened and having their parent acknowledge their experiences will greatly serve them on their healing journey. This is something that they can be grateful for. Another Scenario Conversely, they can talk to the parent who mistreated them and have a very different experience. Instead of this parent validating what they say, empathising with them and showing compassion, they can invalidate what they say, have no interest in putting themselves in their shoes or show any sympathy. Based on how they behave, it can be as if their adult child is simply making everything up and is trying to make them look bad for no apparent reason. This parent is then not going to act like their parent; they will act like they are a random stranger who is being accused of something that they themselves didn’t do. A Brick Wall After their parent has behaved in this way, they could end up feeling frustrated, angry, betrayed, helpless and helpless. Most likely, this is how they often felt throughout their formative years. Still, they could try to get through to this parent again and this could go on for many, many months, if not years. What they might soon see is that a big part of them is still trying to be loved by this parent but, just as this parent couldn’t love them as a child, they can’t love them now. Drawing the line It then won’t matter how often or how hard they try; the outcome will always be the same. Not only this but, by trying to get through to and be seen and heard by their parent who can’t do this, they will be harming themselves. Thankfully, by working through their pain and experiencing their unmet developmental needs, they will gradually let go of the need to get through to and be seen and heard by this parent. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man were to connect with how he feels, he could find that he feels as though he is missing something. It is then going to be as if there is a hole inside him that needs to be filled.
And, if he were to go deeper into this inner emptiness, he could come into contact with a lot of pain. He could find that he feels rejected, abandoned, worthless, helpless and hopeless. Two Levels What this illustrates is that the emptiness that he feels is not at the root; what is at the root is the pain that he is in. If, then, he didn’t feel this pain, he wouldn’t have the sense that something is missing. Instead, the ‘positive’ feelings inside him would combine to allow him to feel whole and complete. He might see that, over the years, he has done a lot to try to change what is going on inside him. One Area So, he might have had sex with numerous women, believing that this would provide him with what he needed. Just before and during a sexual encounter, he might have felt whole and complete. But, a little while after, he might have experienced a sense of lack and tried to change this by sleeping with another woman. To use an analogy; he would have been running towards the end of a rainbow but no matter how far he ran, it would have been out of his reach. Another Experience Conversely, he might have had numerous short-term relationships, believing that if he found the right woman, he would be fine. But, irrespective of the woman that he was with, it wouldn’t have been any different. As with the previous example, when he met a woman and for a little while after, he might have felt that he was receiving what he needed. Yet, as time passed, how he felt before is likely to have soon returned. Another Area Along with this, he might have believed that having certain material items would change how he felt. Therefore, he might have put a lot of effort into earning a lot of money, so that he was in a position to buy just about anything he needed. For example, he might have a big house, an expansive car, and luxury jewellery. He might have also achieved a certain level of fame, with this having been seen as another thing that would help him to change how he felt. A Waste of Time Now, regardless of what he has done over the years to change how he feels, he will see that it hasn’t worked. Due to this, he could experience a deep sense of despair and feel very low. If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, there is a chance that what is going on for him is a consequence of what took place during his formative years and the impact that it had on him. This may have been a stage of his when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Back In Time From the moment he was born, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable. If so, this would have prevented her from being able to consistently attune to his needs and typically meet them. The outcome of this is that he would have been deprived and deeply wounded. As opposed to being able to attach to her and gradually develop a strong sense of self, then, he wouldn’t have been able to and would have ended up disconnecting from himself in the process. One Option This is because he was powerless and dependent, so he wasn’t able to change her or find a mother who could love him. The only thing that he could do was to lose touch with his emotional self and his body to stop himself from being overwhelmed with pain. The years would have passed and his physical and mental self would have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have grown. In other words, he wouldn’t have been able to experience an emotional birth. A Stage If he had been born emotionally whole and complete, it would have mattered that his mother was out of reach. But, as he wasn’t born whole and complete, not having an emotionally available mother would have stopped him from being able to grow out of the emotionally dependent state that he was born in. This is why, when he connects to his emotional self, he will experience an emptiness and then pain as he goes deeper. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to stay this way forever. Moving Forward A big part of what will allow him to change his life will be for him to face and work through the pain and experience the unmet development needs that were repressed all those years ago. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother Wounds: Can A Man Expect To Be Rejected By Women If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?26/3/2024
Even if a man was to see a woman who he is attracted to, it doesn’t mean that he would take the next step. Instead, he could talk himself out of speaking to her and let the chance pass.
Then again, he might not need to talk himself out of doing something as he might not believe that it is possible for him to take the next step. Either way, he will feel a strong attraction and that will be as far as it goes. The Same Story There is a chance that he has never taken the next step, or he might have taken the next step and not gotten very far. If he has, this may have been a time when he didn’t receive a very positive response. In fact, he might have ended up being ignored and even humiliated by the woman. This might not have happened once, though, it might have happened on every occasion that he has taken the next step. A Wall Due to this, it can be as though there is an invisible barrier between him and a woman. This barrier won’t be able to be seen by the naked eye but it will exist nevertheless. Thanks to this, he could feel pretty hopeless and helpless when it comes to this area of his life. In this case, this won’t be an area of his life where he has any control and he could believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding him back. A Low Place If he was to turn his back on this area of his life, he won’t have to go through the pain of not being able to take things further with a woman. However, his need to be with a woman is not going to be met and this will cause him to suffer. After he has ignored this area of his life for a little while, he could arrive at the point where he no longer wants to live in this way. If this does take place, he could wonder why this area of his life is so difficult. One Outlook One way of looking at this would be to say that he needs to keep talking to women and, sooner or later, he will be able to make progress. Furthermore, not every woman is going to respond well to him and there will be even fewer women who will want to take things further. Additionally, he will need to look into how he behaves as how he comes across will play a big part in the type of responses that he receives. When it comes to how he comes across, how he sees himself and women will play a big part. In The Driver’s Seat His appearance, so his hairstyle and what he wears, for instance, will also play a big part in the responses he receives. With this in mind, he is anything but helpless and hopeless when it comes to this area of his life. Still, if he were to keep this in mind and follow this advice, it doesn’t mean that he would be able to make much progress. He could still find that he only gets so far and that when doesn’t receive a positive response, he ends up feeling very low. Another Angle Assuming that this is the case, it is likely to show that he needs to try a different approach. What can be playing a big part in why this area of his life is so difficult can be what took place during his early years and the impact that this had on him. This may have been a time when he was brought up by a mother who was generally emotionally out of reach and unable to truly be there for him. Consequently, it would have been normal for him to be ignored, rejected, and left. A Tough Time What he needed, to be able to grow and develop in the right way was a mother who was generally attuned to his needs and was able to meet them. But, as this didn’t take place, he would have been deprived and deeply wounded. To handle the pain that he was in, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his developmental needs. If he wasn’t powerless and totally dependent, he would have been able to change his mother or find a mother who could love him but this wasn’t an option. A Big Impact Along with how deprived and wounded he was and the pain and unmet developmental needs that were repressed, he would have developed a negative view of his own needs, feelings and himself. As a result of being egocentric, he would have believed that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. In addition to this, he would have developed a negative view of women, seeing them as rejecting, cold, out of reach and indifferent. The reason for this is that his mother would have provided him with an inner model of what women are like, with the particular becoming the general. Moving Forward For him to change this area of his life, in addition to the other steps that have been mentioned, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Feel Guilty For Living Their Own Life If They Had A Manipulative Parent?25/3/2024
If someone takes a step back and reflects on their life, what they can see is that they often do things that they don’t want to do. So, they can have the tendency to say yes when they would rather say no.
As a result of this, they are going to spend a lot of time doing things that don’t serve them. They could see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember and are now at the point, where they have had enough. A Closer Look If they imagine doing what is right for them and living a life that is in alignment with their true self, they can end up feeling guilty. As opposed to doing the right thing by being there for themselves, then, they will be doing the wrong thing. Due to how strong this inner experience is, a big part of them could conclude that it wouldn’t be right for them to change their behaviour. It might then not be long until they go back to behaving in the same way. Inner Conflict But, as there is another part of them that is not happy living in this way, it is unlikely to be long until they take another step back. After a few days or weeks, then, they could wonder why they feel bad when they put themselves first. If they were to talk to a friend about what is going on for them, they could end up being told that there is no reason for them to feel this way. As far as this friend is concerned, then, putting themselves first will be the right thing for them to do. Going Deeper Now, if they imagine putting themselves first and stay with the guilt that enters their conscious mind, they could come into contact with other feelings. They could find that along with feeling guilty, they expect to be rejected and isolated if they do what is right for them. Thus, not only will they be doing something wrong by putting themselves first, but they won’t be supported and will end up being all alone. At this point, it could be said that what is going on for them is irrational. The Truth Ultimately, even if changing their behaviour causes some people in their life to pull away, there will be other people who will enter their life. These people will support them for who they are. Based on this, they can change their behaviour and know that their life will gradually get better. Yet, although they can agree with this, it doesn’t mean that they will just be able to change their behaviour. Weighed Down What this is likely to illustrate is how strong this guilt is; they will be more or less paralysed by it. From the outside, then, they will look free, but, from the inside, it will be as though they are in a prison. If this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, there is a chance that it is a consequence of what took place during their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life when they had a mother or a father who wasn’t very loving, supportive or kind. A Tough Time The main priority of this parent would have been to make sure that they did what they wanted them to do, not to provide them with what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To do this, they would have typically made out that they were bad if they didn’t do what they wanted. As they needed their attention and acceptance, they would have been willing to do just about anything to please them. The trouble is that while this would have allowed them to receive attention and be accepted, it would have caused them to develop a negative relationship with their own needs and feelings. A natural outcome They would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad and that the only way for them to be loved and supported was to do what others wanted. Furthermore, thanks to how they were treated and the pain that they experienced, they would have lost touch with their true self. Focusing on the needs and feelings of others, while being estranged from their own needs and feelings, would have become the norm. How they behave as an adult will then be a continuation of how they had to behave as a child. Built On Sand With this in mind, the toxic guilt that they experience when they put themselves first is not a sign that they are doing something wrong; no, it is simply a sign that they are going against their early conditioning. Most likely, their mother or father were deeply wounded during their early years and for whatever reason, were unable to heal any of their inner wounds, which is why they repeated what was done to them or something that was very similar. If their mother or father had been able to be there for them and provide them with what they needed, putting themselves first would feel comfortable. Having this understanding won’t necessarily transform their life but it is a key point for them to keep in mind. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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