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Right now, someone can be in a relationship that is anything but nurturing. In fact, it could be a relationship where they are regularly treated like they are nothing.
They can often be put down, humiliated, rejected, ignored, and even physically harmed. If so, they can be in a bad way mentally, emotionally and even physically. A Very Different Experience How they are now can be very different to how they were before, with this being a time when they were in a good way. Or, if they were not in a good way, they might have still been in a far better position than they are now. Now, as destructive as this person is, they can find that they are unable to break up with them. The mere thought of doing so can cause them to be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. External Support If they were to speak to a trusted friend about what is going on, this friend could be understanding and supportive. They could make it clear that they don’t deserve to be treated in this way and that the sooner they leave them, the better off they will be. Moreover, they might say that they can stay with them for a while, that’s if they are living with their abusive partner, and that they are there for them. After this has taken place, they can appreciate their support and reflect on what they have heard. The Next Stage One outcome is that they might end up calling it a day and breaking up with them. If this were to take place, they might find that it is hard for them to cope and that they crave being with their abusive ex. As a result, it might not be long until they get back with them and are treated in the same way as before. However, when they first get back with them, it might start off being better than it was before. Another Scenario Yet, if they do break up with and don’t get back with them, even though they feel the urge to do so, they can wonder why it is so hard for them to be by themselves. They can see that even though they were being abused in their last relationship and perhaps in at least one other, they felt more settled or secure. At this point, they might conclude that there is something inherently wrong with them and that they are ‘messed up’. But, even if they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. A Closer Look What this may illustrate is that their early years were a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. This would have meant that they didn’t receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Therefore, this would have been a stage of their life when they were put down, humiliated, ignored, rejected and even physically harmed, or were alone. They would then have typically had two experiences: they were either around others and were treated like dirt, or they were by themselves. A Brutal Time And, as they were powerless and dependent, the last thing that they would have wanted was to be alone. Being treated badly would have hurt, but it would have meant that they were connected to their tribe. Being alone, on the other hand, would have meant that they weren’t treated badly, but it would have meant that they were not connected to their tribe. At this stage of their life, the important thing was for them to stay connected, not to be treated well. One Option Due to this, to handle not receiving what they needed, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling, and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Along with this, their underdeveloped brain would have caused them to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable. Another Aspect Furthermore, their brain and body would have come to associate being connected and surviving with being mistreated. Being alone would have also come to be associated with not being connected and dying. Being connected and treated well and being alone and surviving is then not going to be something that their system knows. Lastly, although their mother and perhaps their father couldn’t provide them with the love that they needed, they would have hoped that, if they became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would love them. It was futile As helpless as they were, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but thanks to how they adapted, the pain and unmet developmental needs that they are carrying, and their unconscious need to recreate how it was in order to receive what they missed out on, it won’t matter. Moving Forward For them to reconnect to their body and no longer have the need to recreate their wounding and depriving early years, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Even though a woman can want to be with a man who is not just physically but also emotionally available, it doesn’t mean that this would feel comfortable. However, if she has been with a number of men who were emotionally out of reach and this has caused her to suffer, this might not occur to her.
Right now, she can believe that if she were to meet a man like this, she would be happy and this area of her life would be fulfilling. This might be something that she has said on many occasions to her friends and family. The First Stage So, the weeks or months could pass and, thanks to a dating app, a night out or a trip, she can meet a man who she is attracted to. After meeting him a few times, she can find that she also appreciates his humour and that they have similar values. She can also appreciate that he is not only connected to, able to understand and manage his own feelings, but can connect to and understand how she feels. Lastly, she can be relieved that he is looking for a relationship and even wants to start a family. The Next Stage Nonetheless, as the days and weeks go by and they become emotionally closer, she can find that she starts to feel uncomfortable. She can conclude that things are moving too fast, and she might even feel the need to end it. After a little while, she can come up with a variety of reasons as to why he is not right for her and can break up with him. Assuming that this takes place, she can soon talk to a trusted friend about what has happened. External Feedback Her friend can be surprised by what has happened, especially if she had spoken so positively about what he was like. After they have asked her why she ended it, she could say that she wasn’t attracted to him. She might even mention a number of things that put her off him. After this has taken place, her friend could understand, or they could challenge what she says and question if she simply ended it because she wasn’t used to being with a man who was so available. One Scenario Before long, she might start dating another man who is nothing like her ex and is similar to all the other men she has been with. If so, she can soon feel frustrated and angry and break up with him. After this, what can enter her mind is that she pushed away the man who was available, even though she wanted to be with him. She can then come to the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with her. Stepping Back In reality, there is unlikely to be anything inherently wrong with her; instead, she is likely to fear human closeness. Part of her will then want to experience a deeper connection with a man, but another part of her won’t be able to tolerate this. In other words, she will have the need to experience intimacy, but her brain and nervous system won’t feel comfortable experiencing it. What this will illustrate is that there are different parts of her and each part of her needs to be on board for her to experience intimacy. Confusion If this is what she has come to see, she can wonder why she would fear being emotionally close to a man. But as strange as this will be, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, one or both of them might have been critical, rejecting and even physically abusive. A Big Impact This would have stopped her from being able to securely attach to one or both of her parents, which would have caused her to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Not receiving the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that she needed would have caused her to lose touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. And, as she was egocentric, she would have believed that her needs and feelings were bad, and that she was worthless and unlovable. Another Element Furthermore, her system would have associated human closeness with something that would cause her to be smothered and annihilated. Keeping men at an emotional distance will then be what feels safe. The other part of this is that, during her early years, she would have hoped that, by becoming who her parents wanted and behaving how they wanted, she would be loved. As futile as this was, as her parents were probably unable to love her, it would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and released tension. The Same Story Now that she is an adult, emotional closeness won’t feel safe, and she will still be trying to receive the love that she missed out on as a child. She will then have an aversion to men who are available and be pulled to men who aren’t. At a deeper, emotional level, she won’t have a sense of time and will be blind. This is why this part of her can’t accept that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her parent, it’s too late for her to receive the love that she missed out on as a child. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for her to gradually change her life, she will have a number of steps to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to criticise the opposite sex. This can be something that they do in their own head and when they are around their male or female friends.
It might go even further than this, though, as they could share their views publicly. Most, if not all, of their friends could have a similar view to them, and so could most of the people who are exposed to what they say online; that’s if this takes place. Their View When it comes to how they see men or women, they can believe that they are below them. If this is the case, it will be as if they are less evolved and, thus, shouldn’t have the same rights as they have. The feedback that they receive from friends, perhaps family members and from strangers online can help to reinforce what they believe. If they are ever accused of hating men or women, they can agree, or they might dismiss what they say. One Scenario If the former takes place, they can justify their view by giving examples from their own life and things they have heard about online. Yet, if the latter takes place, they can say that they don’t hate them; they just understand their true nature. Either way, their outlook is likely to be set in stone, which is why it probably won’t matter what they see or hear, as it won’t change. It will then be a waste of time for another person to try to change their mind. Stepping Back After spending time with someone like this or viewing what they share online, someone could wonder why they are so lop-sided. They might see that both their own and the opposite sex are not perfect. It is then not that one sex is less evolved than the other and has been left behind; it is that members from both sexes do things that are destructive. By having this outlook, it will show that they don’t block out information that only makes one sex look bad. Another Part They can also see that, over the years, they have done things that are destructive. Additionally, they might find that there are parts of them that are more evolved than other parts. Thanks to the self-awareness that they have developed and self-honesty that they have, it will be harder for them to deceive themselves into believing that they and their fellow men or women are above other men or women. Anyway, as confused as they can be about why another person would see men or women in this way, there is a chance that it is a defence. A Closer Look So, below the outlook that they have of the opposite sex can be feelings that are too painful for them to face. At a deeper level, they can feel worthless, unlovable, helpless and hopeless, for instance. Nonetheless, this is not to say that they are aware of what is going on; as if they were, this defensive structure wouldn’t work. It is by them not being aware of what is going on for them outside of their conscious awareness that they are able to keep it together and function. The Cause As to why they would feel this way at a deeper level, it can largely be due to what took place during their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother or father was abusive and made them feel like they were nothing. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, they are likely to have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would then have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and inflated false self. Self-Protection This would have been something that took place automatically, as opposed to how they consciously chose to adapt. Adapting in this way would have caused them to lose touch with their humanity, but it would have allowed them to avoid feeling less-than others and men or women in particular. The years would have passed, and most likely, they would have had experiences that were very similar, if not the same, to how it was for them as a child. What this would have done is strengthened their inflated view of themselves and how they saw the opposite sex. Final Thoughts Taking all this into account, and assuming that this is what is going on for them, it shows how the particular can become the general. The experience that someone has with one member of the opposite sex very early on can then go on to define how they view all members as an adult. This is something that takes place in order to keep them safe. As when they were a child, they didn’t have the ability to see that their mother or father didn’t represent all members of the opposite sex. Their undeveloped brain then generalised, giving them the need to view them and behave in a certain way around them to protect themselves and survive. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they want to change their life, they are likely to have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What a man may find, if he were to take a step back and reflect on his life, is that he spends a lot of time in his head. Due to this, he is not going to have a strong connection with how he feels.
The reason for this is that, in order for him to have a strong connection with this part of him, he will need to be rooted in his body. Another outcome of this is that he won’t have access to a number of his needs. A key Component This is because, when he is rooted in his body and aware of how he feels, he will be aware of certain needs. So, he can be unaware of his need to relax, have fun, explore and experience affection, for instance. Without this connection, then, it will be normal for him to ignore a number of his needs. As a result, he can spend a fair amount of time feeling frustrated, drained and even exhausted. Externally Focused However, he can typically be focused on others and doing what he can to please them, which can stop him from being aware of what is going on for him. Therefore, even if there are moments when he does acknowledge how he feels, he is likely to soon go back to how he was before. Thanks to how focused he is on others, he can often be described as kind, caring and selfless. This can mean that there are a number of people in his life who are very self-absorbed and expect him to meet their needs. One Area He might have been in at least one relationship with a woman who was like this. Furthermore, she might have also been very critical, cruel and even physically harmed him. But, as abusive as she was, being treated in this way might have felt comfortable. If so, it might have been very easy for him to become attached to her, but very difficult for him to break away from her. Stepping Back After reflecting on his life, he can wonder why he is not rooted in his body, has such a strong need to please others and tolerates bad behaviour. As confusing as this is, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was anything but nurturing. As for his father, if he were around, he might have largely enabled her behaviour. Back In Time Practically from the moment that he was born, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. As time passed, she might have been very cruel and undermined him. Being put down, humiliated, and even hit might have been something that was a regular occurrence. If his father were around, he might have been a beaten-down man who was more interested in pacifying his abusive wife than protecting his son. A Brutal Time This might have meant that his father also put him down and physically harmed him. Consequently, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. He would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that he needed. But as he was powerless and dependent, he wasn’t able to change what was going on or to find a family who could love him. One option To handle what was going on and to keep it together and function, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. Another Element Lastly, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who his parents wanted and behaved how they wanted, he would be loved. But as helpless and hopeless as he was, this hope and the struggle that ensued would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Most likely, his parents had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as children and simply couldn’t provide him with what he needed. Their parents had probably also had the same experience. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What a man may have come to see is that although he is a separate individual who has his own needs, feelings, wants, and life to lead, he seldom acts as though this is the case. What he can see is that he typically acts as though he is an extension of his mother and is there to meet her needs.
Therefore, it will be normal for him to put his own needs to one side and to do things for her. He might see that, unless he is working, sleeping or with friends, for instance, he is there for her. A Role And, when he is around her, he can see that he becomes a certain type of person. So, he can focus on her, lose touch with his own needs, be very agreeable and do what he can to please her. It can then be as if he has lost control of himself and has been taken over by an external force. After he has spent time with her, he can find that he feels frustrated, drained and confused. A Natural Outcome But, as he will become someone else around her and won’t show up, this is to be expected. When he is not around her, he will spend a lot of time focusing on her, and when he is, he will play a role. After this, he can wonder why he is so caught up with her needs and can’t freely be himself around her. He can see that, unless this changes, his own life will continue to pass him by and he won’t be able to fully show up around his mother. Stepping back Now, if he were to imagine that he is less focused on her and when he is around her he acts like an individual, he can feel free, powerful and alive, and relieved and grateful. After a while, though, he can start to feel anxious and have the need to go back to how he was before. If so, he can wonder why he would feel this way, especially as he is not on this planet to focus on and meet his mother's needs. However, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. Back in Time This may have been a stage of his life when he didn’t receive the emotional nutrients that he needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. The reason for this is that his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have looked toward him to be there for her and meet a number of her emotional needs. She would then have been his mother, but she would have been more like a child who needed to be cared for and soothed, which would have caused him to take on a parental role. A Brutal Time Assuming that this was the case, he would have missed out on the mirroring, attunement, care, affection and support that he needed. But even though he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded, he would have had to tune into her needs and meet them. As he was powerless and dependent, he couldn’t say no and assert himself; he had to adapt to her. He was then the one who needed a responsive mother so that he could develop a strong sense of self, but he was the one who had to be responsive. Developmentally Stunted Most likely, his mother also missed out on what she needed during her formative years. She was then an adult, but at an emotional level, she hadn’t grown beyond around three years of age. Anyway, to handle having a mother who was consumed by her own needs and looked to him to be there for her, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have caused him to lose touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. One Option In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also lived in the hope that, by being who she wanted him to be and doing what she wanted, she would love him. But as futile as this hope and the struggle that ensued was, due to his mother being unable to provide him with what he needed, it would have served as a secondary defence. This is because it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Moving Forward Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, of course, but his system won’t realise this. His brain and body will still associate freely expressing himself with something that will cause him to be rejected, harmed and abandoned and as a threat to his existence. For this to change, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
At this point in time, you might be dating someone who is emotionally out of reach. Therefore, when you are with them, it won’t be possible for you to emotionally connect to them and to feel seen and heard.
During this time, it can be as though they are physically and perhaps mentally there, but emotionally somewhere else. Assuming that this is the case, it might have taken you a while to realise this. Inner Conflict But even though this is something that you can acknowledge at a mental level, you might find that you can’t accept this at an emotional level. Due to this, you might not be able to just accept what this person is like and move on. Instead, you can feel the need to stay with them, while doing what you can to try to make them more responsive. You will then be deprived, but you will give even more than you did before. The Next Stage After a number of weeks and months have passed and you feel even more frustrated, angry, helpless and exhausted, you can wonder why you can’t just move on. If you haven’t already, you might even talk to a trusted friend or family member about this area of your life. They can be very supportive and understanding, and make it clear that it is best for you to move on. But as much as you are likely to agree with what they say, it doesn’t mean that your behaviour will change. The End Sooner or later, the person you are dating might end it, or you might be the one who does. Either way, once you have settled down, you might see that this is not the first time that you have been in this position. What you might see, as you look back on your life, is that you have dated a number of men or women who were out of reach. Not only that, but on each occasion, you ignored reality and struggled to make them responsive. A Closer Assuming that this is so, you might believe that there is something inherently wrong with you. However, even if this is what enters your mind, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. What it can show is that you are unconsciously trying to receive what you missed out on as a child. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of your life that was anything but nurturing. Back In Time At this stage of your life, your mother and perhaps your father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have stopped you from being able to securely attach to them and receive the emotional nutrients that you needed. Being ignored, criticised, rejected and abandoned would have been normal. Not receiving the mirroring, attunement, care, affection and support that you needed would have caused you to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. One option To handle what happened, your brain would have repressed how you felt and a number of your needs. This would have involved you losing touch with your embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place, you would have created a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And, as you were egocentric, you would have come to believe that your needs and feelings were bad, and that you were worthless and unlovable. Another Element Blaming yourself would have also given you the hope that, if you became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, you would be loved. Blocking out what they were like and struggling for what they couldn’t provide you would have served as a secondary defence. This is because it would have aided in repression and allowed you to release tension. Many years will have passed since then, but you will still be engaging in this old struggle for love. A replay When you are drawn to someone who unconsciously reminds you of your unavailable parents, at a deeper, emotional level, you will see this as a chance to meet your unmet developmental needs. What this illustrates is that this part of you has no sense of time and is blind. This is why it can’t see that, as another person is not your parent, and this stage of your life is over, it is too late for you to receive what you missed out on. Yet, like when you were a child, you had to block out reality, as it was too painful for you to accept it. The Difference Nonetheless, now that you are an adult, you do have what it takes to face reality and the feelings that this will unlock. It is then by you feeling the pain and experiencing your unmet developmental needs, that you will be able to gradually change this area of your life. As this pain subsides and these needs fall away, your need to block out reality will decrease. This is something that will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What you may find is that you spend a lot of time doing things for your mother. So, unless you are at work, with friends or on holiday, for instance, you can be doing things for her.
As a result, this is likely to mean that a number of your own needs are seldom, if ever, met. For example, you might see that you rarely take the time to relax, have fun, or focus on your own hobbies. Another part You might see that your need for intimacy is also overlooked, with you being too focused on your mother to have the time to date or be in a relationship. In the past, you might have had a woman break up with you because of how consumed you were with your mother’s needs. Assuming that you can relate to this, you might wonder why you are this way and why you can’t just focus on your own life. This doesn’t mean that you will want to turn your back on your mother, but it can just mean that you don’t want to sacrifice yourself for her. Stepping Back As confusing as this will be, there is an activity that you can do that can allow you to gain a deeper understanding of why you are this way. If you imagine that you were to start saying no to your mother and spending more time meeting your own needs, you might feel good and relieved at first. However, after a while, you might find that you feel very uncomfortable and have the need to go back to how you were before. The reason for this is that you can feel bad, and as though your existence is under threat. Confusion Assuming that this is what takes place for you, you might wonder why implementing boundaries with your mother would cause you to have this experience. As you are a separate human being who has your own needs, feelings and life to lead, you shouldn’t feel this way. But as strange as this is, if you were able to go back in time and observe your early years, it might gradually make sense. This was probably a stage of your life that was anything but nurturing. Back In Time From a very young age, your mother was probably emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, she might have looked toward you to be there for her and meet some of her needs. If this were the case, you would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Your basic needs would then have been met, such as your need for food, shelter and clothing, but your emotional needs would have largely been ignored. A Role Reversal The mirroring, attunement, care, affection and support that you needed to experience an emotional birth and develop a strong sense of self wouldn’t have been provided. To handle what happened, you would have had to lose touch with your embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed false self. In its place, you would have created a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Losing touch with yourself and focusing on your mother would have been the only way for you to survive. Another Element But although adapting in this way allowed you to survive, it wouldn’t have allowed you to receive the emotional nutrients that you needed. Even so, you would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who she wanted and doing what she wanted, she would love you. Most likely, your mother had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, and simply couldn’t provide you with what you needed. But as helpless and hopeless, as you were, this hope and the struggle that ensued would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed you to release tension. Taken To Heart Lastly, as you were egocentric, you would have personalised what happened. Therefore, it wasn’t that your mother couldn’t be there for you; no, it was that you were worthless and unlovable, and your needs and feelings were bad. The view that you developed, in regard to your needs and feelings, would have also been influenced by how your mother responded to them. When you did express yourself, you may have typically been ignored, criticised, rejected and even abandoned. Moving Forward This stage of your life will be over, of course, but due to the impact it had on you, it won’t be fully behind you. This is why being there for you mother feels comfortable, while being there for yourself doesn’t. For this to change, you will have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for you to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs for you to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on how they behave, what they may see is that they often stay in the background. It might not matter if they are at work, with friends or family, as the same thing can take place.
So, when they are around others, they can focus on them and not say much. The outcome of this is that a number of their own needs are going to be overlooked, which will cause them to be deprived. An Analogy It can be as though they are in the audience and other people are on a stage, or that they are spectators watching other people play a sport. And, as they are largely on the sidelines, so to speak, their life is not going to be very fulfilling. Naturally, for this to change, they will need to move out of the shadows and allow themselves to be seen and heard on a regular basis. As things stand, it can be normal for them to feel ignored, invisible and as though they don’t even exist. What’s going on? However, as depriving as it will be for them to live in this way, there is a chance that this is what feels safe. If, then, they were to imagine living life differently, they could soon feel uncomfortable. They can imagine that they live a life where they freely express themselves and are regularly seen and heard, and at first, they can feel powerful and alive, relieved and grateful. But over time, they can feel anxious and fearful, and have the need to go back to how they were before. A Closer Look If this is what takes place, they can wonder why they are this way. They might soon conclude that there is no reason for them to be this way, and that how they behave is ‘irrational’. Nonetheless, as strange as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense. This is because this might have been a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Back In Time One or both of their parents might have been anything but nurturing, in general, and been more like their enemy than someone who was, in theory, supposed to build them up. Being put down and humiliated would then have been the norm, not the exception. If it were one parent, this parent might have pulled them apart when they were at home and when they were around others. And it might not have mattered how hurt or sad they were, as this parent might not have really been impacted by how their child responded to their relentless harm. One option Now, as they were powerless and dependent, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to do anything about what was going on or to leave and find a family that could love them. Their only option was to disconnect from their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. They wouldn’t have chosen to adapt in this way; it would have taken place automatically. Self-Protection Not having a strong connection with their needs and feelings would have made it easier for them to handle being mistreated. Furthermore, focusing on and doing what they could to please this parent would have been a way for them to minimise the harm that was done. They would have also lived in the hope that, if they could please this parent, they would stop being cruel and would love them. Nonetheless, it probably wouldn’t have mattered what they did, as this parent was likely to have been a deeply wounded human being who couldn’t love them. A Key Element Even so, this false hope and the struggle that ensued would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. There would have also been what they came to believe about themselves and the associations that they formed around being seen. When it comes to the former, they are likely to have believed that they were worthless and unlovable and that their needs and feelings were bad. As for the latter, they can associate being seen with something that will cause them to be rejected, humiliated and annihilated. Moving Forward With this in mind, for them to change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For many, many years, someone might have worked hard to achieve something or a number of things. During this time, they might have often imagined what their life would be like once they achieved their goal and how they would feel.
In general, they might have believed that their life would be just how they want it to be and that they would feel deeply satisfied. So, even if this wasn’t what primarily motivated them, it would have certainly played a part. An Unexpected outcome However, now that they have reached this point, they might feel radically different to how they expected to feel. If they did feel good, this might not have been an inner experience that lasted for very long. They can find that they feel very low, and the thought of ending their life might even enter their mind from time to time. Now, they might do what they can to hide how they feel and to make out that they are happy with what they have achieved. Another Scenario Then again, they could talk about how they feel to a trusted friend or family member. If so, the person they talk to can be understanding and supportive. This person might say that they feel this way because of their ‘negative’ thoughts, and that for them to be able to rise up again and enjoy what they have achieved, they need to change their thinking. If they were to heed this advice, they could focus on changing their ‘negative’ thoughts into ‘positive’ thoughts. Another part Along with this, they could believe that they need to achieve something else and that, when they do, it will be different. If this is the case, they can soon start working toward another goal. Thanks to this, they can find that they start to feel better; it can be as if they have been reset and are now full of energy again. However, once they have achieved this goal, they can go back to how they felt before. Stepping back At this point, what can stand out is that when they are working toward something, they are full of life and are able to function. But when they have achieved something, they are lifeless, and it is hard for them to do so. They can then wonder why not having what they want and struggling to attain it is something that they can handle, but the opposite is something that they can't. What might enter their mind is that there must be something inherently wrong with them. A Closer Look As strange as this will be, there is a chance that they are unconsciously trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child. They will then have their conscious reasons for wanting to achieve something, but deep down, they will have other reasons. At this deeper, emotional level, what they want to achieve will take on a symbolic meaning. It is then not that they just want to achieve something because it is important to them, for instance, no, it is because it is seen as something that will allow them to be seen and heard by their parents and feel whole and complete. It’s Too Late What will play a part in the drive that they have is the pain that they experienced as a child, as a result of being greatly deprived and deeply wounded. This pain will create a lot of inner tension, and by doing things, they will be able to release it, which will help them to function. So, once they have achieved something and it becomes clear, deep down, that they won’t receive what they missed out on as a child, they will experience the same sense of despair that they experienced as a child. Like then, to handle this pain they are in and to keep it together and function, they will go into a collapsed physiological state. Back In Time During their early years, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Due to this, they would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed. Being ignored, rejected, and abandoned would then have been normal. To handle this, their brain would have repressed how they felt, along with a number of their needs. Another Element This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable. Lastly, they would have also lived in the hope that, if they became who they wanted and did what they wanted, they would be loved. Its over But as futile as this was, as their mother and perhaps father probably couldn’t provide them with what they needed, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence. The reason for this is that it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but the struggle for their parents' love will continue. For them to no longer look for this love, there will be a number of steps for them to take. Moving Forward They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can A Man Obsess Over Unavailable Women If He Experienced Early Deprivation?19/6/2026
At this point, a man may spend a lot of time messaging and even sending voice notes to a woman who seldom replies. Even so, he can be convinced that if he keeps contacting her, she will change.
When he is not reaching out to her, he can often think about and long to be with her. Now, this could be something that has been going on for a few days, weeks or even months. Highs and lows But when she does reply, this can be a time when he ends up feeling really good; it can be as though he has won the lottery. After a while, though, this high can wear off, and he can feel low. However, even if he does feel low, he can avoid how he feels by fantasising about what it would be like to be with her. He can imagine not just spending time with her, but also being in a relationship with her. External Feedback If he were to share what is taking place with a trusted friend, they could be understanding and supportive. Nonetheless, they could say that it sounds like the woman he is messaging isn’t into him. And that, if she were, she would message him more and find time to actually see him in the real world. After this, they could say that it is probably best for him to accept what is going on and to move on. One Scenario Assuming that this were to take place, he might appreciate their feedback but say that sooner or later, she will change. He can then forget about what they said and go back to how he was before. But even if he does respond in this way, he might not be able to behave in this way for much longer. He can become fed up with putting in so much effort while receiving crumbs in return. Stepping Back At this point, it can be clear that the woman he is into is not into him, and he is wasting his precious time and energy trying to get her to change. After realising this, he might see that this is not the first time that he has been in this position. If he were to look back on his life, he might see that he has spent a lot of time trying to make women more responsive. Along with trying to take things further with women who were not interested in him, he can see that he has been with women who he spent time with and dated, only for them to become out of reach before long. What’s going on? But if this has taken place, he can see that he continued to message these women long after it became clear that they were not interested and to fantasise about being with them. After coming to see that this is a pattern, he can wonder why he is so focused on women who are out of reach. As confusing as this is, there is a chance that he is unconsciously replaying what it was like for him during his early years, in the hope of receiving the love that he missed out on. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Back in Time If so, this would have meant that he wasn’t able to securely attach to her and receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, and support that he needed. As a result, the care that he did receive would have largely been misattuned care. Therefore, being rejected, abandoned, and smothered would have been normal, which would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt, as well as a number of his needs. The Outcome This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disconnected, disembodied, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Additionally, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. Human closeness would have also come to be associated with something that would cause him to be annihilated. A Replay Lastly, he would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who she wanted and behaving how she wanted, she would love him. But as she was probably unable to provide him with what he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered how he adapted. Yet, this hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. This stage of his life is now over, of course, but a big part of him won’t realise this. The past is present At a deeper, emotional level, when he is trying to change a woman who is out of reach, he will really be trying to pull his mother closer and be loved by her. But, as this part will also fear closeness, it won’t actually want this to take place. As this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t realise that, as this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. This is why what is going on for him can only be resolved internally, not externally. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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