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Even though someone is a human being and can, thus, be as well as do, it can be as if they only have the ability to do. They are then going to be more like a human doing than a human being.
So, practically from the moment that they wake up until the moment that they go to sleep, they can be on the go. They might work five days a week, or they could work seven days a week. A lot going on But if they only work five days a week, when they are not working, they could be working on other things. For example, they might have their own business, or they could volunteer. At times, they might see friends and family, but even then, they could typically be helping them with things. This can mean that they will seldom, if ever, exercise; then again, they might find time to do so. External Feedback Due to how they live their life, they might be used to having people tell them that they need to slow down and find time to rest. These people can be worried that they might end up becoming ill. Assuming that some of the people in their life say these kinds of things, they could make out that they are fine and don’t need to slow down. They could say that they have a lot to do and that life is for living. No Different Yet, even if they were to have a break and were to go on holiday, for instance, it doesn’t mean that they would be able to relax. Instead, they can have the need to do things all the time and they can spend a lot of time thinking about all the things that they need to do once they get home. If they were to just sit or lie down for a long period of time, they could start to feel agitated, and soon be doing something. From this, it will be as if it is more stressful for them to not do anything that it is for them to do things. Stepping back Now, if they were to become aware of how they are more or less always on the go and find it hard to relax, they can wonder what is going on. This can be something that enters their mind after they become exhausted or unwell and are forced to slow down, momentarily, if not completely. They can look back on their life and see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might soon realise why they are this way. Back In Time From the moment they were born, or perhaps a few years after, their mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. As a result, they would have largely missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle not having a number of their needs consistently met and the pain that this caused them, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. The outcome They would have formed a disembodied, disconnected and not fully feeling false self. Along with this, they would have lived in the hope that, if they behaved as their mother and perhaps others wanted, they would be loved. But as futile as this was, as their mother was probably unable to give them what they needed, and she herself had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it would have served as a secondary defence. Therefore, by struggling for her love, it would have allowed them to release tension and helped to distract them from how they felt and what they needed. Two parts This stage of their life is then over, but as they will be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the developmental needs that were not met, tension will build up inside them, and this will give them the need to be on the go. Their activity will play an important part in releasing tension and being able to keep it together and function. Furthermore, their doing will also be a way for them to try to receive the love that they missed out on as a child. This is because although their conscious mind will realise that this stage of their life is over, their unconscious mind will project the mother that they had into people, places and things. Two levels On one level, then, they can believe that they want to do or achieve something because of one or a number of reasons, but at a deeper level, what they want to do or achieve will be partly, if not solely, a way for a deeper part of them to finally be loved. What this illustrates is that, at a deeper level, they have no sense of time and are blind. If this part of them were to accept that this stage of their life is over and that another person can’t give them the love that they missed out on, it would cause them to come into contact with how they felt as a child. In the same way that doing things will help them to release tension and keep their pain at bay, unconsciously seeing life in a symbolic manner will do the same thing. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to be able to just be and not try to receive the love that they missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Lose The Ability To Feel Their Feelings?22/11/2025
Although someone has an emotional self, it doesn’t mean that they will always realise this. The reason for this is that they might typically be out of touch with how they feel.
Due to this, they can have a lot going on at a mental level and often experience strong sensations, but that will be about it. However, if this is just what is normal, they might not question why they are experiencing life in this way. Stepping Back Sooner or later, though, something could happen that plays a part in them becoming aware of how emotionally disconnected they usually are. So, a family member or friend could pass on. After this, they might not feel sad, but they could feel very heavy and experience a lot of tension in their chest, for instance. Assuming that this was to take place, they could look into what was going on for them. External Feedback If they were to talk to their doctor about what is going on for them, they could end up being given medication. This medication can be aimed at improving their mood and easing the pain in their chest. Then again, their doctor could take another angle and say that it’s as though they are experiencing grief but that they don’t have access to this grief. After this, they could recommend that they work with a therapist, as this will allow them to explore what is going on for them. The next sage If this is what takes place when they work with them, this can be a time when they will talk about how they are rarely in touch with how they feel, and if they are, they don’t feel deeply. They might say that they sometimes feel angry and frustrated, and often feel down and low, but that’s about it. And they can talk about how they often experience strong sensations in their chest and stomach. What might enter their mind is that the reason they are this way is because they are missing something. A Closer Look What is likely to play a part in this view is if their life has been this way for as long as they can remember. But, while it may seem as though they are missing something, this might not be the case. Instead, what this can show is that thanks to how their brain has adapted, their feelings are unable to freely enter their conscious awareness. It is then not that this part is missing; it is that it is largely unable to communicate with them directly. Silenced To use an analogy, it’s a bit like if they were in a house with a friend, but their friend was trapped in a room that is soundproofed. Their friend can then shout, but they won’t be able to hear what they are saying. Nonetheless, for some reason, what they can hear is the impact of the noise that they make. They will then be able to describe the sounds, but they won’t know what these sounds are trying to tell them. Back To Reality The connection here is that a lot of the sensations that they experience are going to be a reflection of what is going on for them at an emotional level. But as they can’t feel their feelings, they won’t know this. The other part of this is that if they know how to read their body's messages, they would be able to intellectually understand what is going on for them at an emotional level. From this, what will stand out is that they experience sensations, but they won’t experience their feelings or have an intellectual understanding of them. What’s going on? Ideally, when they were born, they would have experienced sensations, and after this, they would have felt their feelings and stayed connected to them, and then, as time passed, developed the ability to describe their feelings. Nevertheless, if this stage of their life was a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded, this wouldn’t have taken place. This may have been a stage of their life when they experienced sensations, but due to not receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed, they might have gradually lost the ability to feel deeply. To stop them from being overwhelmed with pain and to allow them to keep it together and function, their brain and nervous system would have wired in a way that walled their emotional self off. One option As they were powerless and dependent and one or both of their parents were unable to provide them with the love that they needed, this was their only option. If this hadn’t taken place, they would have probably died. Not receiving the attunement that they needed would have also stopped them from being able to understand how they were feeling. But, as they would have lost touch with a big part of them, it wouldn’t have mattered. A natural outcome Taking all into account, it is not that they are missing something or that there is something inherently wrong with them; it is that they were traumatised very early on and more or less severed their connection with feeling self was how they survived. For them to gradually reconnect to their body and their feeling self, it will take courage, support, patience and persistence. They will probably need to engage in some kind of body work, as this will help to loosen their system and allow them to slowly reconnect to and feel their feelings. Also, developing an understanding of where feelings are located in their body will help them to understand what their sensations are telling them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Is It A Good Idea For An Abusive Parent To Contact Their Estranged Adult Child?19/11/2025
At this point in time, a parent who didn’t treat their adult child very well throughout their early years may want to get back in touch with them and have a relationship with them. What this can show is that they haven’t spoken to them for weeks, months or even years.
When they last spoke, they might have had an argument, and their adult child might have made it clear that they don’t want to talk to them anymore. Since then, they might have thought about how they miss their adult child and want them in their life. Another Reason Then again, it could be because they are feeling lonely or are unwell and want their support. But, while their need to reach out to them will be strong, they might wonder if this would be the right thing for them to do. If they were to speak to a family member or friend, they could be told that, as life is short, they should reach out to them. They could also be told that there is nothing wrong with trying, and if they don’t, they will regret it. Another Scenario Alternatively, after speaking to a family member or friend, they could be asked to think about why it is that they want to reach out to them. This person could ask them if they want to listen to what their adult child has to say and try to make things better, or if it is because they simply want to meet their own needs. After this, they could say that, regardless of what they think about what their adult child says about their childhood, this is their experience. As a result, if they are not willing to empathise with them, show compassion or change their behaviour, reaching out to them is likely to make things worse. Another Element What this illustrates is that, in addition to how they behaved, there will also be how they behave. Their child will have been wounded early on, and if they behave in a similar way now, they will wound them again. If they didn’t listen to what their adult child said and invalidated their experiences, they would have wounded them before. Their adult child would then have been dealing with the impact of being greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, and continued to be deprived and wounded by them as an adult, which would have given them the need to cut their ties with them. Endless Ruptures Taking all this into account, it will be as if they cut their adult child many times as a child and continued to cut them as an adult, and in both cases, didn’t attend to these wounds. As a result, they can’t expect their adult child to want to simply welcome them with open arms. If they were to reach out to them, their adult child is unlikely to have a positive experience. They will be reminded of what happened to them as a child and what they have been through as an adult; they will then keep their distance to protect themselves, not to harm their parent. Part of life And, as their adult child is a separate individual, they can’t force them to do anything that they don’t want to do. There is a chance that, if they were to work on their inner wounds, assuming that they aren’t, they might reach out to them at some point. For example, they might send them a letter or a message, and this could lead to them having a relationship. At the same time, they might just want them to answer a few questions. One Approach Until this happens, and it might not, they could reflect on their own behaviour, with this being a time when they can look into why they behave and have behaved as they did. If they were to do this, they might gradually see that they were also greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child. But although one or both of their parents mistreated them and they had a challenging relationship with them, they didn’t stop talking to them. This can be because they didn’t feel as though they were allowed to do this. Generational Abuse Anyway, if they can see that this is the case, they can end up not only feeling guilty and ashamed, but also experience a lot of pain. They can wonder why they treated their child as they did, given that they themselves had been treated in a way that was very similar to how they treated their child. Yet, as confusing as this will be, it is likely to largely be because of how they adapted as a child. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, their brain would have repressed a number of their needs and the pain that they were in. Self-Alienation The outcome of this is that they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. So, as the years passed and the time came for them to have a child, their ability to attune to their child’s needs and feelings would have been undermined, and they would have unconsciously projected the parent or parents that they had into them. Due to this, they wouldn’t have been in a position to give them what they needed, and they would have punished their child for what their parent or parents did to them. One Generation to Another Assuming that this is what took place, they would have passed on what was done to them or something that was very similar. There is a chance that this is what has been taking place in their family for many, many generations. As their adult child is not talking to them and is facing the pain that they experienced and the needs that were not met, or will engage in this process in the future, they will be taking the steps to end this pattern. Their adult child will then be doing something that has needed to happen for a very long time. Final Thoughts With this in mind, while they will have passed on what was done to them or something that was very similar, at least it will have come to an end. They won’t have consciously chosen to harm their child, but they will have harmed them nevertheless. Part of their journey can then be for them to face and resolve what they were unable to face and resolve as a child, and to forgive themselves for how they behaved. As for what takes place with their adult child, this is something that is largely out of their control.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Recently, a man may have thought about what it would be like for him to be a woman. Then again, this might have been something that he has been thinking about for many months, or even years.
When he thinks about this, he can think about what he would wear, what he would do, and how other people would treat him. This can then be a time when he feels seen, heard, valuable, alive, and free. What follows is one possible explanation for these feelings; it won’t apply to everyone. Another Experience What this can show is that, in general, he doesn’t feel seen, heard, or that he has any value, and feels lifeless and trapped. If, then, he were a woman, his life would be radically different, with it being as though he actually exists and were actually living. In other words, in his eyes, it will be far better to be a woman than it will to be a man, as the world will embrace women but not men. As a result of this, it is not going to be a surprise that he is not happy that he is a man. External Feedback Now, if he were to talk to a trusted friend about this, they could be very understanding and supportive. They could say that it makes sense that he feels this way and that, nowadays, he can do something about this. For example, they could say that he can take the steps to change how he looks and that over time, his physical appearance will change. This is, of course, in addition to him changing what he wears, his hair and his name, among other things. Another Scenario Alternatively, the person he speaks to could be understanding and supportive, and yet they could want to find out more. So, they could ask him about what this childhood was like and if he can remember how he often felt during this stage of his life. At first, he may say that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad and that he can’t remember how he felt. However, although this is what he may say, it doesn’t mean that it accurately reflects what this stage of his life was like. A Closer Look This may have been a stage of his life when his mother didn’t treat him or his father very well. Alternatively, his father might not have been around, with him being the only male who was around. His mother might have also treated him like he was her daughter and shown disapproval whenever he expressed his masculinity. Along with this, he may have had one or more sisters who received most, if not all, of the attention and were often praised. The outcome He would then have lived in an environment where he and perhaps his father were treated badly simply for being male. And if his father or another male were not around, he wouldn’t have had a male figure to identify with and look up to. Furthermore, if his mother did express disapproval whenever he expressed masculinity, he would have come to believe that there was something wrong with being male. For example, she might have discouraged rough play, competitiveness, independence, and assertion. Additionally, she might have praised compliance, softness, and rewarded him for fulfilling an emotional or caretaking role. Lastly, if he had a sister or sisters who received a lot of attention and were often praised, he was likely to have believed that they were better than him. An Invalidating Experience Therefore, instead of being born into an environment where he was embraced and loved for who he was, he would have been rejected for simply being born as a male. As he was powerless and dependent, there was very little that he could have done about this. His only option was to become who his mother wanted and behave how she wanted him to behave. This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. Self-Alienation In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. What this would have done is allowed him to handle not having a number of his developmental needs met and the pain that this caused him. He would have also lived in the hope that, by becoming who his mother wanted and behaving how she wanted, he would finally be seen and given the love that he needed. But, as his mother was probably unable to love him as he was, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, how he adapted wouldn’t have allowed him to receive what he needed. A Replay Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped him to release tension and to keep it together and function. This stage of his life will now be over, but, deep down, he will still be trying to receive his mother’s love. A big part of him will believe that, if he were a woman, he would receive her love. Yet, as this stage of his life is over and it will be too late for him to receive this love, even if he were to change his appearance, the attention that he receives would only help to keep his true feelings and needs at bay; this attention wouldn’t change him at a fundamental level. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to gradually reconnect to his body, all of his emotional self and be comfortable in his own skin, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This process will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Stop Someone From Developing A Felt Sense of Safety?14/11/2025
What can be normal is for someone to feel on edge and as though something bad is going to happen to them. At other times, it could be even worse, as it could be as though their life is going to end.
If so, they will either experience anxiety or they will experience anxiety, fear and terror. Naturally, this is going to make it difficult for them to not only feel at ease but to embrace life. One Scenario The outcome of this is that they could spend a lot of time by themselves and rarely, if ever, spend time around others. This will be a way for them to feel more at ease and experience a sense of control. The downside to this is that it will cause them to live a very restrictive life. Certain needs, such as their need for human contact, might seldom, if ever, be met. Another Scenario Then again, they might not spend a lot of time by themselves and instead, could often be around others. By often being around others, or certain people, they might be able to feel more settled. But if they are this way, they may have the tendency to do what they can to please these people and to ignore their own needs. This can be something that takes place automatically. The lesser of two Evils If they are in this position, they are likely to believe that if they don’t behave in this way, the people in their life won’t stay around. They then have to abandon themselves in order to avoid being abandoned. And, as they find it so hard to feel settled when they are by themselves, they are not going to want the people in their life to turn their backs on them. Hiding themselves is then going to be something that they are willing to do to avoid being left. Stepping Back If they were to reflect on how they experience life, they could wonder why they find it so hard to feel settled. They might see that their life has been this way for as long as they can remember. If they were to tell a trusted friend or talk to their doctor about what is going on, they could be told that they suffer from anxiety. After this, they could be told that they need to learn how to control their breathing, take certain supplements or go on medication. Another Direction Conversely, the person they talk to could ask them about what their childhood was like. This could be a time when they will say that it wasn’t that bad and that they were not hit, for instance. However, even if they were to say something like this, it doesn’t mean that this was a stage of their life that didn’t have a big impact on them. And, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like, they might soon realise this. Back In Time From a very young age, they might have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed. And when they were given attention, it might have often been misattuned care. Due to this, they would have missed out on what they need to grow and develop in the right way. So instead of staying connected to their body and being able to develop a felt sense of safety, trust, worth, and lovability, the opposite would have happened. A Brutal Time To handle not having certain needs consistently met and the pain that this caused them, they would have gradually lost touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. Along with this, they would have developed a felt sense of being unsafe, of not being able to trust others or the world, of being worthless, and unlovable. Adapting in this way and being focused on others would have been a way for them to try to avoid being rejected and abandoned. But although this would have made it easier for them to keep it together and function, it is unlikely to have changed how their mother and/or father behaved. The past is present The reason for this is that, most likely, one or both of them were unable to provide them with what they needed, as they have also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. Now, this stage of their life will be over, of course, but a big part of them won’t know this. This part of them will project the past onto the present, with it being as though they are still a powerless and dependent child who, at any moment, could be left to die or be smothered and annihilated. Thus, and in addition to the pain and unmet development needs that they are carrying, how their nervous system adapted, and their brain became wired, it is to be expected that it would be very difficult for them to feel at ease in their own body. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to gradually change their life, there will be a number of things for them to do. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone is a separate human being who has their own needs, feelings and challenges, for instance, it doesn’t mean that they will typically act like one. Instead, it can be as though they are on this planet to care for and ensure that other people are not emotionally unsettled.
So, if they were to think about how they usually behave when they are around friends or family, they can see that they are very focused on them and become who they want or think they want them to be. And, if they are sad or angry, they can do what they can to be understanding and make them feel better. External Feedback It can be normal for people in their life to reach out to them when they are going through a tough time. Due to this, they could often be told that they are very kind and caring and that it is easy to be around them. But, although they might appreciate this feedback, they can often feel as though the people in their life rarely see and hear them. In fact, it can be as though most, if not all, of the people in their life only reach out when they want something and don’t actually care about them. A Depriving Existence They are then going to spend a lot of time doing things for others and being there for them emotionally, but they won’t receive much from others. Thanks to this, they can spend a lot of time feeling drained and even exhausted. However, as they will spend so much time being tuned into what is going on for others and being there for them, they might seldom, if ever, be aware of how they feel or a number of their needs. Consequently, they might have moments where they don’t have the energy to do a great deal. An External Assessment If they were to talk to someone about how they often behave, this person might say that it is as though they are a mirror. Unlike someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder and expects others to attune to and meet their needs, they feel compelled to attune to and meet others' needs. They could also be told that they are like a parental figure who does what they can to ensure that others don’t become overwhelmed by their feelings and end up falling apart. After reflecting on what they have heard, they could wonder why they can’t freely express themselves and have the need to adapt to others and manage their inner world. What’s going on? For them to find out why they are this way, they can imagine that they live a life where they do freely express themselves and don’t continually sacrifice themselves. Also, they attune to how others feel, but don’t take it on and act like it is their responsibility to soothe them. At first, they can feel free, relieved and alive, but as time passes, they can experience fear and anxiety, and feel guilty. If so, they may have the need to go back to how they were before. A Strange Scenario After this, they can wonder why they have the need to behave in a way that is not serving them. Yet, as confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might slowly make sense. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were often emotionally unstable. If it were one parent, in one moment, this parent might have been settled, and in the next, they might have erupted. A Brutal Time This was a stage of their life when they needed a parent or parents who were attuned, caring, affectionate and supportive, along with largely being consistent and emotionally settled, so that they could feel safe and securely attach to them and, therefore, grow and develop in the right way. But this would have been a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle not receiving the nutrients that they needed and the pain that this caused them, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. One option In its place would have been the formation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Additionally, they would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, that they were worthless and unlovable, and that they were responsible for how other people felt. Adapting in this way and living in hope would have not only been a way for them to try to soothe their parent, but it would have also been a way for them to try to be loved by them. But, as this parent was most likely in a traumatised state and couldn’t give them what they needed, as they had also missed out on what they needed as a child, it wouldn’t have mattered how they adapted or what they did. The Struggle Continues As futile as this was, though, living in hope would have made it easier for them to keep their needs and feelings at bay and release tension and thereby to keep it together and function. This stage of their life will now be over, of course, but not all of them will realise this. This part will cause them to unconsciously project the parent that they had into others, and being there for them, while abandoning themselves, will be seen as the only way for them to survive, as well as receive the love that they missed out on. For them to longer project the parent that they had into others, be there for themselves, and no longer look for the love that they missed out on, there will be a number of steps for them to take. Moving Forward There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, he may find that he has rarely, if ever, been able to develop a deeper connection with a woman. So, he might have had casual encounters and even dated a few women.
However, he might not have been able to take things further with a woman and have a relationship. Or, if he has had at least one relationship, it might have lasted for a very long time. One Reason If he has had at least one relationship and this didn’t last for very long, he might see that it was because the woman was emotionally volatile. He might then have ended it to protect himself, or she might have ended it. He could look at this stage of his life and just believe that he had just happened to end up with a woman who had issues. Since then, he might not have spent time with a woman who was the same. A Lot of frustration Yet, if he has only had casual encounters and dated women since then, he probably won’t have gotten closer enough to a woman to find out what she was really like. If this is the case, he can be fed up with what this area of his life is like. What might often enter his mind is that he is simply unlucky, or that someone or something 'out there' is holding him back. What can play a big part in this is that he could often go out and approach women and put a lot of effort into his appearance, for instance. External Feedback If he were to talk to a trusted friend about his area of his life, his friend could be very supportive. This friend could say that he is doing a lot of the right things and sooner or later, his luck will change. Alternatively, he could say that, as unfulfilling as this area of his life is, there is a chance that it is what feels safe at a deeper level. He could say the reason he ended up with a woman who was emotionally volatile is probably because this is how he views women at a deeper level. Self-Protection It is then not that he is just unable to get emotionally close to a woman; it is that part of him is stopping this from taking place. After hearing this, he could be angry and say that this is not true. Conversely, he could be angry and confused but want to find out more about what his friend has shared. If he were able to go back in time and observe his formative years, he might gradually realise why there is this other part of him, and he doesn’t have a very positive inner model of women. Back In Time During this stage of his life, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, she might have often been emotionally unstable and exploded, with it being as though he was living in a war zone. He then wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to her, and he would have had to be on alert at all times in order to try to avoid being on the receiving end of one of her eruptions. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. One Option For him to have handled not having an attuned, supportive, affectionate and supportive mother and the pain that his caused him, he would have lost touch with his connected, embodied, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Moreover, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. Also, he would have come to see human closeness as something that would cause him to be annihilated. Another Element Still, although his mother was unable to provide him with what he needed, most likely due to her having also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, he would have lived in the hope that, if he adapted to her, she would meet his needs. But although he was hopeless and helpless, this hope would have served as a secondary defence. In other words, this hope would have helped to keep his needs and the pain he was in from entering his conscious awareness and allowed him to release tension. Therefore, it would have played a key part in him being able to keep it together and function. A Continuation This stage of his life will now be over, of course, but thanks to how he adapted, the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made and what part of him will still be looking for, it won’t matter. He won’t be fully connected to himself, won’t be able to accept, at a deeper level, that not all women are like his mother and will still be looking for the love that he missed out on. When it comes to the second and third points, he will unconsciously be drawn to women who are similar to his mother, project the mother that he had into them and struggle to receive the love that he missed out on. This part won’t realise that, as this stage is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. Moving Forward For him to gradually change this area of his life, there will be a number of steps for him to take. There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have A Well-Developed Superego If They Had A Controlling Parent?10/11/2025
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that it is hard for them to freely express themselves. Therefore, instead of them behaving how they want to behave, it can be as if they are living in a prison and are only allowed to do certain things.
So, if they were to look at how they behave over a period of a week, they might see that they go to work for five or more days and exercise on a few of those days. Additionally, what might enter their mind is that they spend a lot of time being there for their friends and helping them with different challenges. Another Experience Their life can then be very monotonous and anything but fulfilling. What they can see is that they spend a lot of time working and very little, if any time, relaxing, having fun and experiencing pleasure. They might then see that their life has been this way for as long as they can remember. What they can then wonder is why they are so out of balance. A Closer Look For them to gain a deeper understanding of why they are this way, they can imagine that they live a life where they freely express themselves and are no longer out of balance. This will then be a life where they pay attention to their needs and feelings and allow themselves to relax, have fun, and experience pleasure. At first, this can be a time when they feel relieved, alive and grateful. But as they will be outside of their invisible prison, acting as an individual, and meeting their needs, this is to be expected. The Next Stage Nonetheless, after a while, they can start to feel uncomfortable and as though they are doing something wrong. If they were to explore what is going on for them, they may find that they feel anxious and fearful, and guilty. As a result, they can see themselves going back to how they were before, living a very restrictive and barren life. Assuming that this is what takes place, they can wonder why they are this way. What’s going on? What might enter their mind is that they were just born this way, or that someone or something ‘out there’ is forcing them to behave in this way. Even so, there is a chance that what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them is why they are this way. This may have been a time when their mother and/or father were not loving and supportive and provided them with structure and guidance; no, they were like a dictator and more or less controlled their every move. It would then have been as though they were under 24-hour surveillance and were corrected whenever they went off the course that one or both of their parents had created. A brutal Time In the beginning, when they did freely express themselves, they were likely to have been punished or abandoned. And as they were powerless and dependent, they needed their parents’ support, acceptance and presence. Thus, to try to ensure that they were not punished or abandoned, their psyche would have gradually internalised their parents’ messages and formed an inner voice or entity that kept them in line. The outcome of this is that they lost the ability to freely express themselves, but they would have suffered less and survived. Self-Alienation Moreover, not receiving the attunement, care, affection, support and safety that they needed would have caused them to lose touch with their connected, embodied, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disconnected, disembodied, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. They would have also come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable. This is because, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. Moving Forward As they are now an adult, this stage of their life is over, which means that they no longer live in an environment where their survival is dependent on pleasing one or both of their parents. Nevertheless, as they developed a punitive inner voice and will unconsciously project their controlling parent or parents onto the world, it will be as if, to a big part of them, that this stage of their life is not over. To this part, the past will be present, and if they don’t control themselves, they will be punished or abandoned. This part is then not their enemy, although it can seem that way; it is their friend. The trouble is that it is an outdated inner creation. Ultimately, their inner voice, the voice that is concerned with pleasing a tyrant and staying alive, needs to be changed into an inner voice that is concerned with what will allow them to live a life that is in alignment with their values and allows them to thrive. Moving Forward For them to gradually realise that it is over and be able to freely express themselves, there will be a number of steps for them to take. There will be beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For a little while now, a man may have been able to see that he is overly focused on his mother. What can be clear is that, thanks to how focused he is on her needs, he doesn’t have much of a life himself.
So, he might have a job that is or isn’t fulfilling, might or might not have a few close friends, and may or may not look after his physical health. However, regardless of this, he might not be in an intimate relationship. The Central Theme Furthermore, what can be normal is for him to feel drained, and he might have moments when he feels exhausted. Along with this, he can spend a lot of time feeling frustrated, angry and even enraged. Yet, based on how he is living his life, it is to be expected that he would seldom, if ever, feel fulfilled and as though his life is going in the right direction. For this to change, he is naturally going to need to be less focused on his mother's needs and more focused on his own. A Hurdle But while this is what will need to take place, he may find that he is unable to simply change his behaviour. The mere thought of doing so could cause him to feel anxious and as though he would be doing something wrong. If so, he can wonder why he has this experience when he thinks about living his own life. What can enter his mind is that it is as if she is his child and he is her parent, which is why he feels the way that he does. What’s going on? Nonetheless, as confusing as this is likely to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of his life when his mother needed him to be there for her. Assuming that this was the case, she would have probably taken care of his basic needs, such as his need for food, shelter and clothing, but that would have largely been as far as it went. Therefore, his need for an attuned, caring, affectionate and supportive mother would have seldom, if ever, been met. His Purpose Furthermore, his mother would have looked to him to meet some of her needs. For example, she might have looked toward him to soothe her when her emotions were out of control and make her feel better when she felt low. And when he expressed his needs, he is likely to have been ignored, criticised, rejected and even abandoned. A stage of his life, then, when he needed to receive, in order to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when he missed out on what he needed and had to give. The Outcome To handle missing out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied, and fully feeling true self. This connection would have been replaced by a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self. He would have also come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was responsible for his mother. The Other Side When it comes to why his mother treated him in this way, it is likely to be because she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. She probably had to be there for her mother and/or father. This would have also caused her to lose touch with her connected, embodied and fully feeling true self, with her creating a disconnected, disembodied, not fully feeling and perhaps inflated false self. The years would then have passed, and while her physical and mental self would have grown, she would have stayed in an emotionally underdeveloped state. His Role When she had him, her son, at a deeper, emotional level, he would have been seen as a being who could give her what she missed out on as a child. He would then have been her son, but he would have represented something else. Unlike her mother and/or father, who didn’t provide her with the love that she needed and often neglected her, he would have been seen as someone who would love and never leave her. Her conscious mind would then have seen him in one way, but her unconscious mind would have seen him in a very different way. No choice And, as he was powerless and dependent during this stage, he had no other choice but to become who she needed him to be. He would have hoped that if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him. But as she hadn’t received what she needed as a child and hadn’t resolved any of her wounds, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Still, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to block out what was going on internally and externally and release tension, and thereby, keep it together and function. Moving Forward Taking this into account, thanks to how underdeveloped his mother was, a role reversal took place. Most likely, this reversal, where the parent becomes the child and the child has to become the parent, has been going on for generations. What took place was then not personal. For him to gradually reconnect to himself, feel comfortable with his needs and feelings, activate his inner sense of worth and lovability, and implement boundaries with his mother, he will have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change their life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman’s Unconscious Mind Cause Her To End Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?8/11/2025
If a woman is in a position where she has been with a number of men who were overly focused on their mothers and emotionally out of reach, or even men who were emotionally unavailable, she is likely to be well and truly fed up. She could see that this area of her life has been this way for as long as she can remember.
This will mean that she has wanted to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable and able to have a real relationship for a while, but she hasn’t been able to experience this. It is then to be expected that she wouldn’t be happy about this area of her life. One Conclusion When she thinks about this area of her life and how depriving it is and has been, what might often enter her mind is that this is how this area of her life will always be. Or, she might believe that the only way it will change is if her luck changes. Alternatively, she might often think about how this is just what men are like and that it will only change if they do. If she is on board with the former or the latter, it is not going to give her the sense that she has much control over this area of her life. Her Side What can also play a part in why she feels so helpless and hopeless, when it comes to this area of her life, is that she might have done a lot over the years to improve herself. For example, she might have worked on her appearance and improved her self-image. Furthermore, she can see herself as someone who is emotionally available, which can largely be why she finds it so hard to get her head around why she continually ends up with men who aren’t. Naturally, if she does see herself in this way, what is going on is not going to make any sense. External Feedback Her friends and even family could often tell her that she is a catch and is ready to have a relationship, or something similar. Assuming that this is the case, in their eyes, the reason this area of their life is the way that it is will be because of what is going on externally. Most, if not all, of these people could be in living relationships, or they could be in a similar position. Either way, they probably all want her to be in a relationship that is enriching as opposed to one that leaves her feeling drained and deprived. Another Angle Now, even though it can seem as though she is ready and is emotionally available but what is going on externally is the issue; what if there is more to it? What is only part of her is ready and emotionally available? After hearing this, she could become confused and even angry, with it being as though she is being blamed for what this area of her life is like. Then again, she could observe what is taking place inside her and have the need to know more. A Closer Look If the latter takes place, it will give her the opportunity to explore what might be going on for her at a deeper level. So, what she will need to keep in mind is that along with her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself, she has an unconscious mind. What is taking place in this other, hidden part of her will be influencing how she feels, the thoughts she has, how she perceives things, how she behaves, who she is drawn to and who is drawn to her. This illustrates how much of an impact it has on how she experiences life. A Deeper Look When it comes to this other, hidden part of her, it can contain feelings and developmental needs that she had to lose touch with during her formative years, along with parts of herself. Thanks to what may have happened to her during her formative years, then, she would have lost touch with part of her consciousness. In other words, she would have been rooted in her body and connected to all of her emotional self very early on, but as time passed, she wouldn’t have been firmly rooted in her body or connected to all of her emotional self. Her brain would have repressed how she felt and certain needs, causing her to have not just a conscious mind, but also an unconscious mind. What happened? The reason that she would have adapted in this way is that she might have been brought up by a mother and perhaps a father who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. She would then have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being ignored, rejected, smothered, and abandoned would have been a normal part of her childhood. Along with losing touch with all of her consciousness, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, that she was worthless and unlovable, and associated human clones with annihilation. The Past is present As the years passed, her conscious mind would have forgotten all about what happened, and thereby, prevented her from being able to join the dots, so to speak. Also, at a deeper level, part of her is likely to be living in the hope that, if she struggles to make an available man available, he will change. This is because at this deeper, emotional level, she won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, causing her to unconsciously project the mother and/or father that she had into a man. But at this stage of her life is over, and another man is not her mother and/or father, it will be too late for her to meet her unmet developmental needs. Moving Forward For her to be firmly rooted in her body, reclaim all of her emotional self, feel comfortable with her needs and feelings, activate her felt sense of worthiness and lovability, feel comfortable with human closeness, and no longer look for what she missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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