|
If someone was greatly deprived during their formative years and is not in a good way now that they are an adult, the logical thing will be for them to do what they can to heal themselves. To do this, they can read books, take courses and work with a therapist or healer.
By taking these steps as well as others, they will gradually be able to put their past behind them and embrace the present. If they don’t do this, their life is not going to get any better; it will probably get even worse. Two Options Taking this into account, they either take action and their life will change, or they don’t do anything and their life will go in the same direction. However, although it may appear to be this black and white, what if there is more to it? What if it is not their actions alone that define whether or not they move forward? What if what they imagine and what they believe also play a part in their ability to move forward? Another Angle If they were purely an observer of their reality, what is going in within them wouldn’t have an effect on what they experience. But, as this is not the case, what is going on within them does. So, if they spend a lot of time focusing on their problems and believing that working with a therapist or healer will allow them to move forward, they are unintentionally putting their energy into and sustaining a certain reality. As a result, what they are focusing on and doing won’t have the effect that they desire. A Different Approach Keeping in mind that what they focus on and believe has an effect on how they experience reality, a more effective approach will be for them to spend time imagining that they are already healed. However, this is not to say that they will just wake up one day and be healed. It also doesn’t mean that they won’t need to work through anything or be assisted by anyone. No, what it means is that by focusing on and placing their energy into a version of themselves that is already healed and living a fulfilling life, they are likely to move forward a lot faster than they would otherwise. The law of resonance During the moments where they are focused on and giving their energy to living in a reality where they are already healed and are living a fulfilling life, they will be energetically aligning themselves with the life that they desire. Thanks to this, their external reality will start to mirror this back. One outcome of this is that they can feel called to work with a therapist or healer who can have a massive impact on them. On one level, this person will be a real human being, but at a deeper level, the experiences that they have with them will be a materialisation of the state that they have been embodying. Another Reality If, on the other hand, they were to purely focus on their problems and on healing themselves, as opposed to having moments where they are already healed and are living a fulfilling life, the person they are pulled to might not have much of an impact on them. They could then work with them for years, but not get very far. This person, or to be more accurate, the version of them that they work with, will be a reflection of their need to heal themselves. There will then be endless wounds to heal, with their being no end in sight. Resistance At this point, their mind might struggle to understand what is being said and could put up a lot of resistance. As this part of them sees itself as separate from everyone and everything, and its identity can be attached to them being wounded and needing to heal themselves, this is to be expected. To this part, they will be a certain way and will need to change to be another way. It won’t be able to accept that they are only a certain way primarily because of how they see themselves and life, and what they continually place their attention and, therefore, energy on. An Analogy For them to shake their mind up, what they can think about is how, at one point in time, it was believed that travelling from one part of the world to another would take a certain amount of time. But, after the invention of air travel, this changed. What this illustrates is that, as fixed as something may appear to be, it isn’t, and it can change. When what changes internally changes, what is going on externally will change, but not before. Awareness With this in mind, if someone wants to transform their life but they don’t take the time to use their imagination to imagine that they are already living the life they desire and are the person they want to be, it is likely to take them far long to change their life. They can move forward very slowly and spend a lot of time going around in circles.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
0 Comments
For a little while now, someone may have been doing what they can to put their childhood behind them and live a life worth living. But, no matter what they have done, they might not have been able to truly put the past behind them.
Nonetheless, this is not to say that they won’t have made any progress, as they might be able to see how far they have come. Even so, what will be clear is that they are still very much caught up in what happened. A Number of Approaches Over the years and perhaps decades that they have been working on themselves, they might have changed numerous thoughts and questioned numerous beliefs. Additionally, they might have worked through a lot of pain and released a lot of arousal. They may have even had energy healing and cut a number of cords that connected them to others. Going Around In Circles Thanks to what they have done and how long they have been doing it, it can be as if they are stuck on a roundabout. This is because they will be going around and around and won’t be getting very far. As a result, they may have come to believe that there is something inherently wrong with them and that their life will never change. But, taking into account what is going on for them, this is not going to be a surprise. No Other Option If it were another area of their life that wasn’t working, they might be able to put what is going on to one side and carry on with their life. But, as this is not the case, they won’t be able to do this. Now, although it may seem as if there is something inherently wrong with them and that their life will never change, this is unlikely to be the case. Instead, there is a chance that they need to try another approach. A Closer Look To shed light on what is holding them back, one thing that they can do is to imagine that they live a life where they freely express themselves and their life is aligned with who they are – their true self. At first, they may feel relieved and grateful that they have finally put their past behind them. However, as time passes, they may find that they start to feel uncomfortable. The reason for this is that, to a big part of them, living in this way can be seen as a threat to their survival. Inner Conflict Assuming that this is so, it will illustrate that while part of them want to move on from their past, another part of them doesn’t feel safe enough to do so. To this other part of them, the only way for them to survive will be to experience life in the same way. And, as their need to survive will be stronger than their need to live a fulfilling life, they won’t be able to move forward. If the other part of them could accept that they can both survive and freely express themselves, it would be different. Confusion Thus, as these two elements are not on the same page, so to speak, they will be caught up in a reality that is not serving them. When it comes to why this other part of them has attached their survival to living in a way that is not serving them, it is likely to be due to what their early years were like. During this stage of their life, their ‘ego’ or simply their system would have formed a number of associations in regard to how they need to behave to survive. It then won’t matter that this stage of their life is over, as their being will do just about everything that it can to make sure that they behave in the same way. It’s not safe If this part of them could speak, it would probably say something like, “if you behave differently, you will die. So I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that you don’t change your behaviour; I don’t do this to harm you, I do it to protect you.” Like a dog with a bone, then, it won’t let go. During their formative years, behaving in a certain way most likely did minimise the harm that they experienced, but as this stage of their life is over, of course, it is no longer necessary. Bypassing the Ego With this in mind, for them to be able to move forward, at least two things will need to occur. First, the approach that is used will need to go beyond their ego, and second, their system will need to feel safe enough to let go. If their ego has its defences up and they don’t feel safe, it probably won’t matter what approach they try or who they work with, as they won’t be able to make much progress. The ideal might then be for them to try an approach that goes beyond their conscious mind, and for them to not only work with someone who they feel safe with but for them to be somewhere where they feel safe. Awareness There are numerous approaches out there that bypass the conscious mind, therapists and healers who have a very peaceful presence and even areas on the planet that are very peaceful. If someone has been in the same position for a while, they might need to make sure that each of these aspects is covered. If they were to try an approach that bypassed their ego and they felt safe with the therapist or healer, but they lived in an area that was full of old associations and they were unable to fully let go, they might only get so far. But, if they were to go to another part of the country or a country that has a certain energy, it might be different.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they have trouble freely expressing themselves. What can be normal is for them to feel restricted and ignore how they feel and their needs.
As a result of this, it won’t matter if they are by themselves or around others, as they generally won’t be themselves. Thus, who they are will seldom, if ever, see the light of day. Nothing New If they were to look back on their life, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What might then enter their mind is that they were simply born this way. But, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, this is not going to be a surprise. Even so, there is a strong chance that they were not born this way. A Closer Look Anyway, thanks to how they typically experience life, they are likely to spend a lot of time feeling trapped. If they were to describe what their experience of life is like, they could say that it is like living in an invisible prison. So, when they are by themselves and around others, they will have the tendency to behave in a certain way. When they are by themselves, they can often feel the need to go out or to try something different, but that could be about as far as it will go. The Other Side This can be because they experience a fair amount of anxiety and even fear. What they want to do will then be seen as something that is not safe, which will cause them to ignore it. On the other hand, when they are around others, they can often automatically overlook how they feel and certain needs. The outcome of this is that they can generally stay in the background and not say a great deal to others. External Feedback If another person were to describe them, they could say that they are shy and quiet, for instance. They might also say that they come across as aloof, with it being as though they don’t enjoy being around others. Assuming that they were to speak to someone who has this view of them, they could say that they are not shy or quiet, and neither is it their intention to come across as aloof, but that they can’t help being this way. And, if this other person were to get to know them, they themselves might soon realise this. A Bleak Existence What is clear is that for them to live a fulfilling life, they will need to be able to freely express themselves. For this to take place, they will need to feel safe enough to both listen to and be themselves. Until this takes place, they can spend a lot of time feeling frustrated and down. They might often struggle to get out of bed and question whether they want to be alive. Going Deeper Now, as to why they are experiencing life in this way, it can largely be a consequence of what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them. This may have been a time when they missed out on the attunement and care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have been very critical and controlling. An Oppressive Environment It might then have been as though they were on a stage, and just about every move was scrutinised. So, what they said, how they behaved and what they wore may have been criticised. In the beginning, they might have stood up for themselves, but even if they did, as time passed, they would have gradually adapted to what was going on. In this case, they would have soon had the need to control themselves and be very careful when it came to what they said and did, with this being a way for them to try to minimise the harm that was done to them. Broken Down If they hadn’t gone from someone who freely expressed themselves to someone who continually monitored themselves and said and did very little, they would have suffered even more. The challenge is that while this stage of their life is over and they are now free to be themselves, a big part of them won’t realise this. Furthermore, what their mother and/or father said will now be part of their inner critic, and this voice will speak up whenever they behave in a way that goes against their early conditioning. This part of them also won’t know that, as this stage of their life is over, they no longer need to behave in this way to survive. Moving Forward To change their inner world, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on how they behave, is that they typically play a role. This can be something that takes place without them needing to think about it.
As a result, they can have the tendency to be easy-going and do what they can to please others. The outcome of this is that they will seldom, if ever, freely express who they are. A Tedious Existence Thanks to how they have been living, for however long, they can often feel frustrated and down. But, as they are not living a life where they freely express themselves, this is not going to be a surprise. It can be as though they are in an invisible prison, and until they leave this prison, they won’t be able to be themselves. If they can relate to this, they might believe that what is going on externally needs to change for them to be themselves. A Different Experience Now, when they are by themselves, they can feel less inhibited and find that they are able to be themselves. This could also be how they are when they are around certain friends. During this time, they can be aware of how they feel and their needs. Alternatively, this might be a time when they are aware of the thoughts that are in their mind, but they might not be aware of their needs and feelings. What’s going on? Assuming that they do believe that what is going on externally is what is causing them to be this way, this is unlikely to be the reason. This is not to say that what is going on externally won’t have an impact on them. No, what it means is that there is likely to be another reason why they are unable to be connected to and freely express themselves when they are around others. And, if they find it hard to connect with how they feel and their needs, this can be due to the same reason. Back In Time If they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them during their formative years, they might soon realise why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, with them being greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have missed out on the attunement and care that they needed. When they did receive attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. The Next Stage As the years passed, they might have continued to be neglected and even verbally put down and physically harmed. Either way, they would have missed out on the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Assuming that their time in their mother’s womb and birth didn’t traumatise them, they would have been connected to their body at one point and gradually lost this connection as time passed. Thanks to how much pain they experienced, they would have had to disconnect from their body. Self-Protection Being connected to their body would have meant that they were aware of how they felt and certain needs. This would have been too much for them to handle, which is why their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs to allow them to keep it together and function. The outcome of this is that they would have lost touch with their embodied, true self, and developed a disembodied and outer-directed, false self. Along with losing touch with themselves, they would have been conditioned to behave in certain ways. A Brutal Time If they didn’t behave as their parents or parents wanted, they might have been rejected, put down, humiliated, harmed or left. Not pleasing them would then have caused them to suffer even more. Ultimately, they were not given the support that they needed to stay connected to and freely express themselves. They had to adapt to the crumbs that were on offer, and this meant abandoning themselves. Moving Forward Most likely, one or both of their parents couldn’t provide them with what they needed, as they had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. It was then not that they were worthless and unlovable; it was that they couldn’t love them. For them to experience life differently, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone might not be aware of what they believe about themselves, what they believe will still have a big impact on the experience that they have. What this illustrates is how powerful their beliefs are.
When it comes to why they wouldn’t be aware of what they believe about themselves, it can be because they haven’t taken the time to explore what is taking place within them. Due to this, when it comes to the life that they lead, it can just be seen as what their life is. One Scenario This can be a life that is anything but fulfilling, with them often finding it hard to get out of bed. So, they can have a job that is anything but rewarding and simply allows them to survive, but not thrive. Additionally, they might not be treated well, and they could be expected to do far more than others. They are then going to give a lot but receive very little in return, which can mean that they often feel washed out and even exhausted. Another Area As for their relationships, they might not have any close friends and could spend a lot of time alone. Alternatively, they could have a few friends, but they might not feel seen and heard, or valued when they are around them. If they are in an intimate relationship, it could be very similar to how it is with their friends. But, although they won’t be treated well, the thought of ending their relationship might not cross their mind, or if it does, that could be as far as it will go. A theme Based on how they behave when they are at work, with friends and around their partner, if they have one, what will be clear is that they have the need to please others and don’t stand up for themselves. As a result of this, they ignore their own needs and put up with bad behaviour. If, on the other hand, they didn’t have the need to please others and did assert themselves, their life is likely to be radically different. For their life to change, then, they will need to change their behaviour. A Closer Look Assuming that something was to happen and they ended up reflecting on their life, they might wonder why their life is this way. After doing some research, for instance, they could come to conclude that they have a number of limiting beliefs. What they may find is that they have some, if not all, of the following beliefs –
The Next Stage After they have uncovered a lot of their limiting beliefs, they could conclude there is no reason for them to have these beliefs. This is something that could also be backed up if they were to reach out for support. Even so, as irrational as these beliefs are, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them during their formative years, they might gradually understand why they have them. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing. A Brutal Time Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have been neglected. This would have meant that they missed out on the attunement and care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. As the years passed, they might have continued to be neglected, with them also being verbally put down and physically harmed. To handle what happened and, thus, keep it together and function, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. Another Element This would have also involved them losing touch with their connected, true self and developing a disconnected, false self. Furthermore, as they were egocentric, their underdeveloped brain would have personalised what happened, causing them to form a number of associations and beliefs. In the beginning, they would have only formed associations as their brain was underdeveloped, and as time passed, and their brain became more developed, they would have formed beliefs. With this in mind, the associations and beliefs that they formed would have largely been a consequence of how they were treated at this stage of their life. The Truth If they hadn’t been egocentric at this stage of their life and their brain was fully developed, they would have still been wounded, but they would have probably been able to see that how they were treated wasn’t a reflection of their worth or lovability, or anything else for that matter. Instead, they might have realised that their mother and/or their father were deeply wounded human beings who were unable to provide them with the love that they needed. For them to change their life, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may have come to see, if they have been reflecting on how they experience life, is that they don’t have a good connection with their emotional self. In general, it might be as if they don’t have an emotional self.
If this is the case, they are typically not going to be aware of how they feel. Another part of this is that they won’t be aware of certain needs, which will mean that these needs won’t be met. The Connection The reason for this is that their feelings will provide them with feedback when it comes to what it is that they need. So, by not having access to this feedback, they won’t be aware of these needs, let alone be able to meet them. For example, their feelings will tell them when they need to rest, relax, have fun, connect to others and experience intimacy. These are needs that will play a big part in their ability to survive and thrive. The outcome With this in mind, as they don’t have a strong connection with their emotional self, it is going to be normal for them to neglect themselves. In general, they will meet their basic needs, but that will be about it. They can then sleep, eat, go to work and see the odd friend, but that can be as far as it will go. And, at times, they might not get enough sleep, eat right, go to work, or see any friends. A Bleak Existence They might see that their life has been this way for as long as they can remember, and could now be at the point where they have had enough. A big part of them can want to live a life where they feel alive and are grateful to be alive, as opposed to feeling numb and simply going through the motions. If they were to imagine living in this way for another year, they could be filled with despair. But, as their life won’t have much meaning and they feel disconnected from themselves and others, it is to be expected that they would be this way. Looking Back If they were to look back on their life, they could find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What might then enter their mind is that they were simply born this way, and there is nothing that they can do. Assuming that they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. Instead, there is a chance that they became this way after being greatly traumatised during their formative years. Back In Time Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have missed out on what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. The reason for this is that they might have missed out on the attunement and care that they needed. If this were the case, being left when they needed attention and receiving attention at the wrong moments would have been the norm. This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. The Outcome The experiences that they had would have overwhelmed them and been a threat to their survival, which would have caused their brain to repress how they felt and a number of their needs. They would then have been an embodied and feeling human being when they were born, provided their time in their mother’s womb and birth wasn’t overly traumatic, but as time passed, this connection would have been severed. To handle a brutal stage of their life, they were forced to develop a disembodied and unfeeling false self. This was their only way to keep it together and function as they couldn’t change their parent or parents or find another family. Self-Understanding What this illustrates is that they don’t experience life in this way because there is something inherently wrong with them; it is because they suffered immensely during their formative years and had to adapt to survive. If they hadn’t adapted in this way, it is unlikely that they would even be alive. Therefore, if their mind does criticise them, what they hear won’t have any basis in reality. What their mind should talk about is how they didn’t choose to be this way and how strong they had to be to get this far. Moving Forward For them to become a more integrated human being who is in touch with their emotional self, they are likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Give Someone The Need To Die Whenever They Suffer?30/3/2025
If someone has just gone through a breakup, they can be in a bad way mentally and emotionally. Due to this, what can often enter their mind is the thought of ending their life.
To a big part of them, this can be seen as the only way out of the misery that they are experiencing. And, just thinking about ending their life can make what they are going through more bearable. External Support Now, if they were to speak to a trusted friend about what is going on, this friend could be understanding and supportive. Still, they could make it clear that ending their life is not the only way out of what is going on for them. What they can say is that they need to reach out for the right support and, over time, they will feel better and want to be here. After hearing this, they could end up reaching out for support. The Next Phase Assuming that they were to reach out for support, this can be a time when they will talk about what is going on for them. Along with this, they can question the thoughts they have and what they believe. During this time, they can be told that their thoughts and what they believe are irrational. For example, they will be told they don’t need to end their life in order for their life to change. An Analogy This is then no different to how, if their arm was in pain, the solution wouldn’t be to remove it. The solution would be to give their arm what it needed to return to how it was before. Likewise, the solution to what they are going through will be for them to receive what they need to get back on their feet, so to speak. After working with the same person for a while and making certain changes, they may find that they are able to go back to how they were before. The Same Story However, even if this does take place, it might not be long until they are in the same position again. After experiencing another breakup or loss, they could be in a very bad way and, once again, start thinking about ending their life If this is the case, they might wonder why they are having the same experience as before. What this will show, if they are able to do this, is that they are not in such a bad way that they are unable to think clearly. Looking Back There could be even more to this, though as they might see that there have been other moments in the past when they have had the same experience. From this, it will be clear that, the part of them that sees death as the only way out of the pain that they are in has been with them for a very long time. What might enter their mind is that there is no reason for them to be this way, and instead of having this need, they should just look for a way to change what is going on for them. But, as strange as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them during their formative years, it might gradually make sense. Back In Time This stage of their life might have been anything but nurturing, with them being greatly deprived and deeply wounded. So, practically from the moment that they were born, they might have missed out on the attunement and attention that they needed. It would then have been normal for them to be left and receive attention at the wrong moments. As the years passed, they might have continued to miss out on the attunement and attention that they needed. One Option If they were not powerless and dependent, they would have been able to change what was going on or find another family. But, as they were, the only option was for their brain to repress how they felt and a number of their needs. This wouldn’t have changed what was going on, of course, but it would have allowed them to keep it together and function. There would have also been moments when the thought of death and dying entered their mind. Two parts This thought is likely to have made it easier for them to handle what was going on, as this would have served as a secondary defence. Moreover, due to how much pain they were in and how powerless they were to do anything about it, apart from repression, it would have been the only other option available. Ultimately, this stage of their life would have been brutal and, although it is now over, a big part of them won’t realise this. They will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain that they had to repress, their unmet developmental needs and the associations that their brain made. Moving Forward With this in mind, for them to no longer see death as their only option when they are in a bad way and to no longer end up in such a bad way, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Ownership: Can Someone Believe That Other People Own Their Body If They Had Intrusive Parents?29/3/2025
If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they may see is that they don’t believe that they own their own body. It can be as though this part of them is owned by others.
They are then going to own their mind, but that will be as far as it will go. What they might also see is that although they have only recently become consciously aware of this, they have had this sense for a long time. One Area By being this way, they are likely to spend a lot of time doing things for their friends and family that they don’t want to do. So, they can have the tendency to say yes when they would rather say no and feel resentful after. When this happens, it can be as if another part of them takes over, and they lose their own free will. It will then be as though they have been taken over by an external force and lose the ability to assert themselves. Another Area This can also mean that when they are at work, that is, if they work for a company, they can be used to being taken advantage of. They can often take on more work than they can handle and stay later than they are supposed to. Once again, just as when they are around their friends and family, they will over extend themselves. They won’t speak up and assert themselves, which will cause them to be used. One More Further, over the years, they might have been in a number of relationships where they were not only used but were violated on a regular basis. They might then have often done things both physically and sexually that they didn’t want to do. If this were the case, they are likely to have felt totally worthless and not been in a good way mentally or emotionally. Once these relationships came to an end, it is likely to have taken them a while to get back on their feet again. Beaten Down At the same time, as they are used to being walked over in their day-to-day life, even when a relationship like this has come to an end, they might not have experienced much of an inner shift. When it comes to their inner state, then, they can typically feel low and defeated. But, as they will have been worn down over the years and won’t believe that their life will ever get much better, this is to be expected. Still, even though it can seem as if they don’t own themselves and other people have the right to use them, this is not the truth. The Truth In reality, they are the ones who own their body, and no one else has the right to their body, or their time or energy. As this is not something that they know, at the core of their being, it is likely to show that something is not right. For them to gain a deeper understanding of why they are this way, they can use their imagination. What they can imagine is that they are asked to do something, or someone wants to do something to them and they stand up for themselves. The Next Stage At first, they can feel relieved and grateful, with them experiencing a sense of power. This is then going to be an inner experience that they have seldom, if ever, had over the years. Yet, it might not be long until their inner state changes and they end up feeling anxious and fearful. Before long, they can have the need to go back to behaving in the same way. What’s going on? What might enter their mind is why they don’t feel safe standing up for themselves, and only feel safe when they are being used. They could believe that there is no reason for them to be this way. However, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them during their formative years, they might gradually understand why they are this way. This may have been a time when their mother and perhaps their father saw them as their possession and as purely being there to serve their needs. Way Back If this is so, it wouldn’t have occurred to them that they were a separate being who had their own needs and feelings. As a result, their mother and/or father would have violated them in both big and small ways on a regular basis. This may have involved them being constantly told what they can and can’t do, continually having their personal space invaded, and constantly having to do things for their mother and/or father. They might have also often been verbally put down and physically harmed. Resistance Was Futile In the beginning, they are likely to have stood up for themselves, but, as time passed, they are likely to have realised that this was both a waste of time and a threat to their survival. This is because when they did stand up for themselves, their mother and/or father might have threatened to hit or leave them. There might have been moments when this did happen. Their only option was to gradually disconnect from their body, to lose touch with their needs and feelings in the process, and create a disconnected and outer-directed, false self. Self-Protection This wouldn’t have stopped them from being violated, of course, but it would have stopped them from being consciously aware of the pain that they were in and to keep it together and function. Their sense of self would have related to their mind, while their body would have been rejected and seen as being owned by others. Now, this stage of their life will be well and truly over, but a big part of them will be frozen in time. To this part of them, it still won’t be safe for them to assert themselves and doing what other people want will be the only way for them to survive. Moving Forward Ultimately, how they were treated at this stage of their life was not a sign that they didn’t own their body and neither was it a reflection of their worth or lovability. It also didn’t mean that they had no right to stand up for themselves and do what is right for them. Most likely, their mother and perhaps their father had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years and simply couldn’t love them. For them to change their life, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs the experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Be Unable To Freely Express Themselves If They Were Abused As A Child?28/3/2025
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they generally act as though they are an extension of others. Due to this, they will typically be focused on other people’s needs and do what they can to meet them.
It is then going to be normal for them to overlook a number of their own needs and neglect their own life. They can find that this is something that largely takes place automatically and without them needing to think about it. An Unfulfilling Existence However, even though this will be what is normal, they can be at the point where they have had enough of living in this way. Along with no longer having the desire to behave in this way, they might also no longer have the energy. Still, it might not be possible for them to just change their behaviour. So, they can find that they still have a strong need to do what they can to focus on and please others. An Activity For them to gain a deeper understanding of why they have this need, they can use their imagination. They can imagine that they are in tune with their own needs and do what they can to meet them. This will mean that they are not acting as if they are an extension of others and their purpose is to please them. At first, they can feel greatly relieved, with them experiencing a sense of freedom and empowerment. The Next Phase It might not be long until their inner state changes, though, with them feeling anxious and fearful. Consequently, they can have the need to go back to how they were before, which will allow them to settle down. At this point, they can wonder why a big part of them feels comfortable when they turn their back on themselves. Due to what takes place, part of them can believe that they are here to meet other people’s needs. What’s going on? One way of looking at this would be to say that what is going on for them is irrational, as they don’t need to please others in order to survive. For their life to change, then, they will need to question what they believe and the thoughts that they have. Another way of looking at this would be to say that, as irrational as this will be, there was a time in their life when it was the truth and, as a big part of them can’t accept that this stage of their life is over; they are projecting their past onto their present. What this can show is that their early years were anything but nurturing. Back In Time Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Furthermore, one or both of them might have been verbally and physically abusive. This would have meant that they missed out on the attunement and care that they needed, and they would have been undermined. A stage of their life, then, when they needed to receive the right nutrients to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when they had to focus on surviving. One Focus Along with their brain repressing how they felt and a number of their needs to allow them to keep it together and function, they would have lost touch with their connected, true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. By abandoning themselves and focusing on their mother and/or father, they would have lived in the hope that they wouldn’t be left or harmed. They would have also hoped that this would allow them to be seen and heard, and cared for. But, while this may have minimised the harm that was done to them, it wouldn’t have allowed them to receive the love that they needed. A Futile Struggle The reason for this is that their mother and perhaps their father had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. They were then in a position to give them the love that they needed. They could then give them what they needed to survive but they couldn’t give them what they needed to be able to thrive. But, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have personalised what took place. A Big Impact They would have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable, and that their needs and feelings were bad. Additionally, they would have come to believe that if they didn’t focus on others, their life would come to an end. This stage of their life is over, but as a result of what they believe and the unresolved trauma that they are carrying, a big part of them won’t realise this. To this part of them, this stage of their life won’t be over, and it will be essential for them to behave in the same way to ensure their survival. Moving Forward With this in mind, for them to feel safe enough to freely express themselves and be supported in doing so, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother Wounds: Can A Mans Ability To Bond With A Women Be Destroyed If He Had An Abusive Mother?28/3/2025
Although a man can have the need to be with a woman and experience intimacy, he might not have been able to meet this need. His life might have been this way for as long as he can remember.
Thanks to this, he might believe that what is going on ‘out there’ is the issue. Then again, he might believe that there is something inherently wrong with him. A Bit of Both Having said that, there can be moments when he believes that what is going on externally is the issue and moments when he believes that what is going on for him is the issue. If he believes that what is going on externally is the issue, it can give him the hope that his life will change. Yet, if he believes that there is something inherently wrong with him, he can feel totally hopeless and helpless. And, if he alternates between the two, it can mean that he will have moments when he is full of hope and moments when he isn’t. A Closer Look If he alternates between the two, it can show that he has had some level of success with women. But, if he hasn’t had much success recently, this can play a part in why he often thinks that there must be something wrong with them. Now, if he were to look back on his life, he may think about the women that he has been with and how he wasn’t able to develop a deeper connection with them. This can show that there have been moments when a woman ended things as they were starting to get closer, when a woman cheated on him, or had to move away, for instance. Out of reach Irrespective of what has happened, he won’t have been able to take things further. It can be as though there is an invisible wall between him and what he wants to experience – intimacy with a woman. What may have played a part in the outlook hat he has, when it comes to this area of his life, is that he might have put a lot of effort into becoming more ‘desirable’ and ‘high value’. But, regardless of what he has done, it won’t have changed this area of his life. One Scenario A time may arrive, however, when he does meet a woman who he is able to get closer to. This can then be a time when he will gradually understand why this area of his life has been this way for so long. The reason for this is that as he becomes emotionally closer to the woman, he can feel deeply uncomfortable and need to pull away. He will then be experiencing what he has wanted for so long, but he won’t be able to accept it. The other Side Assuming that he was to have this experience and the relationship was to come to an end, he can wonder why he felt so uncomfortable and pulled away. At first, what might enter his mind is that there must have been something wrong with the woman. Thus, if she had been right for him, he would have felt comfortable and wouldn’t have pulled away. But, after a while, he can think about how there must be more to this, as it has taken him so long to get this close to a woman. Two parts What this will show is that even though part of him wants to experience a deeper connection with a woman, another, stronger part of him doesn’t. The experience that he has had will have shed light on what is going on for him at a deeper level. If, at a deeper level, he didn’t feel this way, it is unlikely that it would have taken him so long to get closer to a woman and experiencing a deeper connection with a woman is likely to just be what is normal. At this point, he can wonder why another part of him doesn’t feel comfortable with intimacy. A Deeper Look As confusing as this is likely to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for him during his formative years, it might gradually become clear. This may have been a time when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach but was also verbally and physically abusive. As a result, his mother wouldn’t have been able to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, and he would have been undermined by her, too. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. The outcome To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have changed what was going on, of course, but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of the pain that he was in and allowed him to keep it together and function. There will have also been the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made, with him coming to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. And, while his mother didn’t represent all women, she would have largely defined his inner model of what women are like. It’s Over He is likely to have come to believe that he couldn’t trust women and that they were a threat to his survival. Thanks to the unresolved trauma that is inside him and the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made, when he does get close to a woman, to a big part of him, it will be as though he is with his mother, and he will need to protect himself. What this illustrates is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother. For this area of his life to change, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|