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If a man has come to see that he is neglecting himself because he is too focused on his mother, he might need to talk to her about what is going on. He might want to explain to her that behaving in this way is not serving him and he no longer wants to do as much for her.
Unsurprisingly, as he has his own needs and feelings and life to lead, living a life where his mother is the centre of his world is not going to be right for him. If, on the other hand, he didn’t have his own self and was merely an extension of his mother, this wouldn’t be the case. A Brick wall However, if he does talk to her, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to get through to her. This can be a time when she will treat him like he is nothing and has no right to want to have his own life let alone have his own life. So, she can ignore what he says and start talking about her own life or ask him to do something. Or, she could criticise him and do what he can to make him feel guilty and ashamed. A Low Place Assuming that one of these things was to occur or something that is very similar, he could end up feeling very low after. He will then have done the right thing by speaking up, as opposed to simply behaving in a way that is not serving him, but it will be as if he has committed a crime. Yet, if his mother has essentially used him practically from the moment that he was born, how she has responded is unlikely to be a complete surprise. Still, he may have hoped that she would acknowledge what he said and put herself in his shoes, so to speak. Out of Reach After a while, he could try to get through to her again, but the same thing or something similar could take place. If he wanted her permission, in order to live his own life, it will be clear that he is not going to receive it. At this point, he could struggle to understand why she can’t accept that he has his own life to lead. It can be as though she can physically see him but it is not possible for her to accept that he has a separate sense of self and is not her possession. A Strange Scenario Now, as hard as it can be for him to get his head around what is going on, there is a strong chance that his mother is not in touch with her connected and feeling true self. Instead, she is likely to have a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self. In part, by not being rooted in her body and connected to her feelings, she will find it difficult, if not impossible to empathise with another. So, just as he won’t see an appliance as having feelings and needs, this is how his mother will largely see him. Another Part It can occur to her that he has basic needs, such as the need to eat and sleep, for instance, but that’s about it. Along with the challenge that she has when it comes to empathising, it is also likely to be difficult for her to take life in and receive feedback. Or to be more precise, it is difficult for her to receive feedback that is not positive. This then plays a part in why what he says won’t have an impact on her and why, no matter how much time passes, she can more or less be the same and won’t have grown mentally or emotionally. Supply The reason why she will be able to take in positive feedback is that, as she is out of touch with her true self, he won’t have access to the support, worth and love that is inside her. In other words, she will feel like an empty vessel deep down and this is why she will be dependent on external feedback that is positive. This is one reason why she won’t want her son to break away and live his own life as this will strip her of the positive feedback that he provides. Furthermore, she is likely to have a fear of being abandoned, which would be unlocked if he were to break away – that is unless, of course, she were to find someone else to replace him. Self-Protection It is then not that she is solely trying to undermine him by not acknowledging him and accepting that he is a separate being; she is also doing what she can to keep it together and function. As strong as she appears to be, then, with her inflated false self, deep down, she is very vulnerable. With this in mind, if his mother was rooted in her body and connected to her needs and feelings and didn’t live on the surface of herself, she would be able to be there for him. She probably would have been able to provide him with the love that he needed during his formative years, too. A Brutal Time Most likely, her early years were a time when she was deeply deprived and greatly wounded. It might have been from around three years of age that she primarily started to miss out on the love that she needed. To handle this, she would have gradually disconnected from her body, and thus, her feelings and a number of her needs. As she was powerless and dependent, she couldn’t change what was going on or find a new family, so her brain is likely to have been 'wired' in a way that caused her to have a weak connection to her feelings and inner world, along with undermining her ability to take life in and blocking out reality, in to protect her and ensure her survival. Moving Forward Thanks to how she adapted very early on, she wouldn’t have been in a position to mother him very early on and she certainly won’t be in a position to do so now. But, as this stage of his life is over, it is too late for him to receive her love. For him to let go of his need to be seen and heard by her, he will have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If a man can see that he is out of balance, due to how caught up he is with his mother’s needs, two things can cross his mind. First, he can wonder why he is this way and, second, if there is anything that he can do to change his life.
Now, he might soon see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. If so, he can then come to the conclusion that there is likely to be very little that he can do to change his life. Weighed Down But, if he feels compelled to be there for his mother, more or less whenever she needs him and has been this way for a long time, this is to be expected. It will be as though he is a puppet and she is the one who is pulling his strings. At this point, he could feel helpless and hopeless and he could think about whether he even wants to be alive. Either way, what will be clear is that he won’t be living a fulfilling life and he won’t see a way out of the invisible prison that he is in. A Bleak Existence Before long, he could be doing something for his mother or listening to her talk about a challenge she is going through. She is then going to be his mother but she will be more like his child. This will be a relationship, if it can be called a relationship, that is one-sided. It won’t provide him with a great deal and he is likely to spend a lot of time running on empty, as a result. Other Areas To make matters worse, he might not have any close friends, could have a job that is soul-destroying and his health might not be good, either. Thanks to how much he is giving and how little he is receiving, he might arrive at the stage where he can’t function any more. But, as he is an interdependent human being, who has his own needs, it is not possible for him to endlessly give and still be able to be at his best. As things stand, it is unlikely that his mother will realise how destructive her behaviour is and change. Self-Absorbed There is a strong chance that she lacks empathy, is unable to see her son as a separate being and believes that she is entitled to his time, energy and resources. She is then going to look human but she won’t be in touch with her humanity. In all likelihood, she is developmentally stunted, with her not having moved beyond around three years of age. Her childhood is likely to have been a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Generational Deprivation To handle what happened, she probably would have developed a disconnected, inflated and unfeeling false self. And, as she didn’t become aware of or heal any of the damage that was done, she ended up unconsciously looking toward her son to provide her with what she missed out on. The outcome of this is that her son would have also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Instead of being able to be a child and receive what he needed to grow and develop, he would have had to lose touch with a number of his needs and feelings and focus on his mother’s needs. One Purpose From a young age, then, he would have learnt that his reason for existing was to focus on and take care of his mother needs. So, behind the disconnected, selfless and perhaps capable false self that he was forced to create as a child will be his wounded true self. This part of him will be where his true needs and feelings will be found, and it will also be where the pain that he experienced during his early years and unmet developmental needs will be found. This pain and these needs will play a big part in why he feels compelled to be there for his mother. Shinning the light If, then, this pain and these needs were not there, or not to the same degree, he wouldn’t have the same need to be there for her and he would be able to live his own life. Until he becomes aware of this pain and the unmet developmental needs that go with it and starts to work through this material, he will continue to be owned by his mother. After hearing this, he can wonder how he will be able to connect to his wounded true self. For him to do this, he will need to bring his awareness down into his body as this is where the impact that his past had on him will be found. A Process However, he is likely to have a lot of defences in place that prevent him from just being able to reconnect to his body, even though it is just below his head. But, assuming that he is able to gradually reconnect to this part of him, he can end up coming into contact with different child parts. These parts can be in a lot of pain and be desperate for the love that was not provided all those years ago. Facing and working through this material will allow him to integrate these split-off parts and become more whole and complete. Moving Forward Consequently, what was running his life from behind the scenes, so to speak, in his unconscious mind will lose its power over him. This will allow him to own himself and do what is right for him. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man was to see that he is overly focused on his mother, he can wonder why he is this way. But, if he is behaving more like her parent than her son, it is to be expected he would be confused.
He can spend a lot of time doing things for her and listening to her problems and providing emotional support. As a result of what he does for her, he is not going to have much time and energy for his own life. Self-Neglect He will then be an individual but it will be as though his sole purpose is to meet his mother’s needs, not his own. If he has a job, it might not be very fulfilling and he might have been doing the same thing for years. And, if he is in a relationship, he might not have much time for his girlfriend. His girlfriend could then spend a lot of time feeling ignored and as though she doesn’t matter to him. A Compulsion Still, as destructive as it will be for him to ignore himself and be there for his mother, he can find that he can’t just change his behaviour. The pull to be there for her and sacrifice himself can be so strong that it’s as if she is in control of him. This will be what feels comfortable to a big part of him and seen as the right thing for him to do. If he were to speak to his mother about what is going on for him and how he no longer wants to be so focused on her, he might not get very far. A Dead-end This can be a time when his mother won’t listen to what he has to say and she may even criticise him. If this takes place, she won’t treat him like someone who has value and the right to live their own life. Deep down, she can believe that her son is her possession and that she is entitled to his time and energy. This will show that it is not possible for her to accept that he is a separate being who has his own life to lead. An Inversion Assuming that she sees him as her possession and as being here to meet her needs, it is likely to show that she is developmentally stunted. At an emotional level, she probably hasn’t moved beyond the stage of a toddler. A toddler, by being stuck at the narcissistic stage of development, sees other people as an extension of themselves and as being there to meet their needs. However, if a toddler receives the attunement and care that they need, they will grow out of this stage. Stunted With this in mind, as his mother can’t accept that he is not part of her and is not here to meet her needs, it is likely to show that she didn’t receive what she needed to beyond this stage of her development. Due to this, a big part of her will see him as her parent, not her son. As this is how she sees him now, it is also likely to be how she saw him practically from the moment that he was born. Irrespective of whether she was consciously aware of this, he would have represented someone who would give her what she needed but didn’t receive as a child. A Lot of pressure As the years went by, she would have expected more from him, with him being placed into the role of an attuned, caring and selfless parent. It would be easy to say that she gradually moulded him into the father that she didn’t have, but, it’s unlikely to be this black and white. The reason for this is that if she didn’t grow beyond around three years of age, there would have also been the part that her mother played. Ultimately, she would have expected a lot from her son and given him very little. Emotionally Malnourished He might have generally had the clothes he needed, had enough to eat and somewhere to live, but that might have typically been about it. Not receiving the attunement and care that he needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded him. The trouble was that as he was powerless and dependent on his mother for his survival, he had to adapt to her and become who she wanted him to be. Thus, he would have lost touch with his connected, true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. The Truth Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy but, what is clear is that he still has the need to be who his mother forced him to be from a very young age. If he had received the love that he needed to be able to develop a strong sense of self and wasn’t deeply traumatised as a child, he probably would be able to live his own life. For him to live his own life and realise that he is not here to provide his mother with what her parent or parents couldn’t, he will have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist to healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man behaves as though he is merely an extension of his mother, it is going to be clear that he needs to change his behaviour. Ultimately, he is not here to be his mother’s slave; he is here to live his own life.
However, even though he will need to change his behaviour, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to do this. The reason for this is that he is unlikely to have a separate sense of self. Underdeveloped Therefore, if he realises what is going on and his mother was to make it clear that he needs to live his own life; he wouldn’t just be able to do so. Instead, this is likely to be a time when he experiences a fair amount of fear and anxiety. Along with this, he can experience guilt and shame. Due to this, he can have the need to continue behaving in the same way. Another Experience Still, even if he didn’t have this experience, he could feel lost and confused. But, if his mother has directed his life for as long as he can remember and he is out of touch with his own needs, this is to be expected. For him to live his own life, he will need to be connected to his own needs and he will need to have a sense of self that is not dependent on his mother. When this is the case, he will be able to act like an individual and he won’t feel as though he is going to die. It’s in His Hands Now, if he is aware of what is going on, he can wonder why he doesn’t have a strong sense of self. He is then going to have his own body but he won’t know, at an emotional level, that he is separate from his mother. What might enter his mind at this point is that there is something inherently wrong with him. If so, he is unlikely to feel very good about himself and could feel helpless and hopeless. What’s going on? But, although he can believe that there is something inherently wrong with him, this is unlikely to be the case. Most likely, he is this way because he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during his formative years. At this stage of his life, then, he would have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. He would have had a physical birth but he wouldn’t have received the nutrients that he needed to experience an emotional birth. A Natural outcome What this illustrates is that he wasn’t born with a fully developed sense of self. For his sense of self to have been birthed, he needed an attuned mother who was generally able to meet his needs. If, on the other hand, he was born with a fully developed sense of self, it wouldn’t have mattered how deprived he was. He would have been wounded but he would still be able to act like an individual. What happened? Assuming that he didn’t receive what he needed during this key stage of his life, he can wonder why this was. This is likely to show that his mother had also been deprived during her formative years and simply couldn’t provide him with what he needed. She would then have physically been an adult, but emotionally, she would have been a child. She would have been deeply wounded and desperate to receive the love that she missed out on, all those years ago. Replaying Her past Her childhood is likely to have caused her to lose touch with her connected, true self and to create a disconnected and unfeeling, false self. So, thanks to how she adapted as a child, she wouldn’t have been aware of what she was doing and how destructive her behaviour was. Therefore, she was unable to deprive her son and use him to meet some of her needs, whilst being oblivious to the harm that she was doing. As he was powerless and dependent on her for his survival, he had no other choice but to adapt to her. The Fall Out In the same way, then, that she developed a false self to handle being deprived as a child, he also had to develop a disconnected false self. This would have caused him to lose touch with his body and thus, his needs and feelings and be focused on his mother’s needs. The sense that he had when he was born, that he was part of his mother, would have continued. His emotional self won’t have grown but his mental and physical self will have. Moving Forward Considering this, there is nothing inherently wrong with him; it was that he had a mother who was unable to love him and this left him in a bad way. For him to develop a separate sense of self and live his own life, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man were to take a step back and reflect on his life, he may see that he is more like his mothers parent than her son. The reason for this is that he could spend a lot of time doing things for her.
Yet, even when he is not doing anything for her, he could still spend a lot of time thinking about what he can do and worrying about her. Unsurprisingly, this is going to undermine his ability to have his own life, let alone live his own life. Resistance However, although he will see that living in this way is not serving his highest good, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. Instead, he can find that a big part of him feels comfortable with what is going on. To this part of him, putting his own needs to one side and being there for his mother can be seen as the right thing for him to do. And, before long, he can soon be doing something for her. For example He could be moving something for her, fixing something for her, or taking her somewhere, for instance. Then again, he could be listening to a challenge that she is going through and providing emotional support. What this illustrates is that, when it comes to what he does for her, it won’t always relate to what he physically does for her. No, it will also relate to what he emotionally does for her. Inner Conflict Before long, he could wonder why he has such a compulsive need to be there for her and can’t implement boundaries. If he were to imagine a scenario where she wants him to do something and he says no, he could end up feeling guilty and ashamed. After this, he can experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. If so, due to what happens when he does try to assertive himself, it is not going to be possible for him to do what is right for him. What’s going on? At this point, he could struggle to understand why he is so conflicted and can’t just live his own life. But, as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time, it might soon make sense. During his formative years, his mother may have seen him as nothing more than an object that was there to meet her needs. If this was the case, it wouldn’t have truly occurred to her that her son was a separate being who had his own needs and feelings. A Tough Time Of course, she probably would have realised that he needed food, shelter and clothes to wear, but that would have been about it. She would then have given him what he needed to survive but she wouldn’t have given him what he needed to be able to develop a strong sense of self and live his own life. So, he would have been greatly wounded and deeply deprived. Yet, as he was powerless and dependent on her for his survival, his only option was to focus on her and meet her needs. Too Much Of a Risk In the beginning, when he did express his needs, he was likely to have been punished in some way. Therefore, after a while, he would have soon stopped trying to express himself and lost touch with a number of his needs. The connection that he had to his body would have gradually been severed, with him being forced to live on the surface of himself. In the place of a connected and inner-directed true self, would have been a disconnected and outer-directed false self. A Strange Scenario As to why his mother moulded him into a being who would be there for her - and this is likely to have taken place unconsciously - it is likely to be because she was also deprived during her formative years. This is likely to have been a time when one or both of her parents saw her as an extension of themselves. Not receiving what she needed and being deeply wounded would have caused her to lose touch with her connected, true self. The self that replaced this might have been an inflated and unfeeling false self, though, which would have played a big part in why she ended up treating her son in the way that she did. Developmentally Stunted Thanks to how wounded she was during her formative years, and as she didn’t become aware of and heal the damage that was done, she would have forced her son to become the attentive, caring and needless parent that she needed but didn’t have. But, as this stage of her life had passed, it would have been too late for her to receive what she missed out on as a child. She was then symbolically receiving what she missed out on but it wouldn’t have changed her at a fundamental level. What this shows is how a parent becomes a child and a child becomes a parent when a parent is developmentally stunted but has no awareness of this. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, if he had received what he needed and hadn’t been used by his mother and perhaps his father, he would probably feel comfortable being there for himself. This would just be what is normal and behaving differently would feel uncomfortable. For him to change his life, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Romance Scammers: Why Wouldn’t Someone Be Able To Accept That They Are Talking To A Romance Scammer?5/9/2024
After one has spoken to a friend or family member on a number of occasions about the person who they are in a relationship with, they could soon come to the conclusion that something isn’t right. This could be because they are with someone who is physically and/or verbally abusive, but, this might not be the case.
Instead, it can be because they have been talking to someone for months if not years and haven’t met them. Additionally, they might have told them that they have sent their lover money and perhaps other resources. Another Part They might have also said that they have only seen pictures of this person and not seen them on video call. Apart from the messages and calls that they have had, then, they won’t know for certain that who they are talking to is who they are actually talking to. As for how they met them, they might have met them via a dating app, or a social media site or this person might have contacted them directly. Now, as strange as everything will sound, their friend or family member could be convinced that they are in a real relationship. Looking Ahead Not only this, but they could also have spoken about what will happen when their lover shows up. They might have talked about how they will get married and/or move to another country, for instance. Either way, once this man or woman shows up, their life will end up going down a very different path. Naturally, as they expect that so much will happen, it is to be expected that they will be excited and full of hope. External Feedback If one were to talk to their friend or family member about what is going through their mind, what they say might not be heard. For example, what they say could be dismissed and they could even be accused of being negative or jealous. This could be something that takes place not once but on a number of different occasions. After this, they could wonder why they are unable to get through to their friend or family member and why they are unable to see clearly. One outcome What could end up taking place, as a result of their continued failed attempts to get through to them, is that they could stop talking to them. They could make it clear that they are not completely turning their back on them but that they are not willing to support what they are doing. Interestingly, they might not be the only ones who do this, as many of the other people in their life, after trying to through to them for however long, might also pull away. If so, their friend or family member will become very isolated. What’s going on? At this point, it can seem strange as to why this friend or family member wouldn’t be able to face reality. If they have sent their online lover a lot of money over the months or years and have not even seen them via a video call, they should be suspicious. Moreover, if they are in a position, or soon will be, where they are unable to pay their bills thanks to the money that they have given away, they should start to experience a lot of doubt. Ultimately, there will be an increasing amount of evidence that shows that they are being deceived. Blocked out Most likely, there is a part of them that is full of doubt but this part of them is dominated by another, bigger part of them that isn’t. Therefore, it will be a part of them that is stopping them from being able to face reality. It is then not that they are simply being deceived; they will also be deceiving themselves. This big question is: why do they have such a strong need to deceive themselves? Going Deeper To understand why this might be, it will be necessary to look into how they might have felt before they started speaking to their online lover. Before this, they might have felt lonely, unloved, worthless and helpless. So, when this person appeared, who is likely to have showered them with ‘love’ very early on, they are likely to have gone from feeling empty, to feeling whole. To use an analogy, in one moment, they would have been out in the cold, and, in another, they would have been in the warm. A Lot to lose Taking this into account, and assuming that this is accurate, if they were to face reality, they would end up being cast right back out into the cold. They would soon feel lonely, unloved, worthless and helpless. Furthermore, they would have to face up to how much money they have lost and even all the people in their life who they have pushed away. Keeping the fantasy in place, the fantasy that they will meet their online lover sooner or later, will allow them to avoid reality and the pain that goes with it. Time Is Running out The trouble, of course, is that if they need to keep sending money to keep this fantasy alive, there will come a time when it will fall apart. They will then not only be in a lot of pain but they won’t have any money left. Their brain will have blocked out reality to help stop them from being overwhelmed with pain and allow them to keep it together and function. What this illustrates is how their brain, like everyone else’s, is not designed to make sure that they are able to face reality and see what is or isn’t true; it is designed to keep them alive.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man has come to see that he is overly focused on his mother and ignores himself, he can struggle to understand why he is this way. What could be clear is that it doesn’t make any sense for him to be this way.
He could believe that he should be focused on his own life, not focused on his mother. And, as he is a separate human being who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead, this makes complete sense. Another part However, although living in this way won’t be serving him, he can find that this is what feels comfortable to a big part of him. Therefore, if he thinks about, let alone lives his own life, he will feel uncomfortable. He is then going to be a separate being who has his own reason for being here but it will be as though he is merely an extension of his mother. Based on this, he will be here to take care of her needs. What’s going on? Now, as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and pay attention to what took place during his formative years, he might gradually understand why he is this way. So, this may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If so, this would have meant that she was unable to provide him with the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Consequently, he would have gone through a physical birth but he wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth. A Desert Said another way, his inner self wouldn’t have been able to develop, which would have stopped him from being able to go from a dependent state to an interdependent state. His basic needs such as his need for food, clothing and shelter might have largely been met, though. What he needed at this key stage of his development was a mother who was generally attentive and could love him. Instead, he had a mother who was generally not responsive and who couldn’t love him. A Closer Look In addition to her not being emotionally unavailable and out of reach, it might not have truly occurred to her that he was a separate human being who had his own needs, feelings and, as time passed, life to lead. She might then have seen him as nothing more than an object who was there to serve her and believed that she was entitled to his attention. If he expressed his needs, he might have typically been punished in some way. So, he might have been ignored, criticised, rejected or abandoned, with this sending him the message that his needs and feelings were bad. Role Reversal He was then her son and needed to receive but, he was forced to be more like her parent and had to give. Most likely, his mother was developmentally stunted and this was why she was unable to provide him with what he needed. Moreover, she was probably out of touch with her true, feeling self and had developed a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated, false self. She might then have come across as strong and bold, and might have even been charming, funny and charismatic around certain people, but, deep down, she was a greatly deprived and deeply wounded human being. Ill-Equipped Due to how disconnected and developmentally stunted she was, she was not in a position to be able to mother her son. To be able to provide her son with what he needed, she needed to be in touch with her feelings and have reached a certain level of development. The trouble was that thanks to how disordered she was, she was probably oblivious to how wounded she was and the damage that she was doing. She might have seen herself as a ‘good’ mother and consciously and unconsciously blocked out any feedback that proved otherwise. A Defence The people who saw a different side of her would have provided her with positive feedback and this would have helped her to maintain the idealised view of herself that she is likely to have had. Not engaging in self-reflection, or very little, would have also been a way for her to keep certain parts of reality and the feelings and thoughts that would undermine her at bay. If he were able to go back in time and see how his mother was treated when she was very young, he might see that she was also treated as though she was an extension of her mother and perhaps her father. To handle being deprived and wounded, then, she would have gradually lost touch with her humanity and become a very cold and unloving human being. Moving Forward Taking this into account, he wasn’t deprived because there was something inherently wrong with him and he was unlovable. No, it was because his mother was a deeply wounded human being who couldn’t provide him with what he needed. For him to know this at an emotional level, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even if someone fears that they are going to die, it doesn’t mean that they will generally be aware of this. Now, there will be a time when their life will come to an end; of course, death is part of life.
However, the difference here is that when it comes to the former, this will be something that has a negative impact on their life. Yet, when it comes to the latter, this can be something that they just accept as part of life. Hidden So, if they do fear that they are going to die and they are generally not aware of this, it is likely to be due to how they live their life. What this can mean is that they will live a life that is very restricted, for instance. They might have had the same job for years, if not decades, and they might have lived in the same area for their whole life. Moreover, they might have been in the same relationship for a while, or they might have more or less always been with someone. A Sense of Dissatisfaction But, although the life that they lead might typically allow them to avoid what is going on for them at a deeper level, they can often feel frustrated, trapped and unfulfilled. During these moments, it can be as though something is missing. Nonetheless, it might not be long until they put these feelings and the thoughts that go with them to one side and carry on as normal. Yet, there can be moments when something changes externally and they end up experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety. All at Sea If so, they will uprooted and unstable, and they might struggle to understand what is going on. What can enter their mind is that they simply suffer from anxiety. The outcome of this is that they could end up going on medication. This might make it easier for them to function but it certainly won’t allow them to get to the bottom of what is going on for them. The Trigger What can play a part in the upheaval that they experience is a breakup, the loss of a loved one, or a job loss. The sense of security that was provided by something externally will have come to an end. Consequently, some of the material that was outside of their conscious awareness will have entered their conscious mind. The trouble is that as they are not aware of what is going on when this takes place, they won’t be able to resolve what is going on. The Next Stage Having said that, there can come a point in time when they do become aware of what has been hidden inside them for however long. After something significant has taken place, they can not only experience fear and anxiety but they can feel as though their life is going to end. There can then be terror and they can end up disconnecting from themselves. This will have taken place automatically to prevent them from being overwhelmed, and, thus, ensure their survival. What’s going on? At this point, it could be said that there is no reason for them to feel as though they are going to die after they experience a breakup, lose a loved one or lose their job. What they are going through is then going to be irrational. But, if they were able to go back in time and see what it was like for them during their developmental years, what is going on for them as an adult might soon make complete sense. For example, throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been deprived of the attunement and care that they needed and been left. A Brutal Time This could be how it was for them practically from the moment that they were born or it might have taken place slightly later on. Either way, this would have been a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. When the care that they needed wasn’t provided, as they were powerless and dependent, they couldn’t change what was going on. Their only option would have been to disconnect from themselves. Life and Death At this time, then, they would have felt as though their life was going to come to an end and then what was going on for them would have been repressed and thereby, removed from their conscious awareness. Along with losing touch with how they felt and, over time, their body, they would have lost touch with reality. This stage of their life would have been filled with moments when they felt like death was imminent, only for their brain to disconnect them from what was going on. Due to this, they wouldn’t have fully experienced what was going on for them. The past is Present As these experiences were not fully faced and resolved, what seemed like it was going to happen will now be seen as something that will happen. At the same time, they were not in a position to be able to face and integrate what was going on. Taking all this into account, for them to no longer be controlled by what they experienced very early on and be able to freely express themselves, they are going to have trauma to resolve. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for a man to generally live in his head and thus, be out of touch with his feelings and instincts. He is then going to look like a whole human being but he typically won’t operate as one.
But, if this is just what is normal, he might not be aware of how alienated he is from himself. However, some of the people in his life might have the sense that he doesn’t have a very good connection with his body. For Example So, they could see him as someone who is not very emotional and is very heady. It could go further than this, though, as they could say that it’s often as if he has his head in the clouds. Then again, as he is this way, most, if not all of the people in his life could be very similar. As a result, there might not be anyone in his life who is aware of how disconnected he is. Waking up Now, if he were to become aware of how disconnected he is, it could be because he ends up getting into a relationship. This can be a time when he will find it hard to develop a deeper connection. He can then wonder why he is unable to develop a deeper bond and if there is something inherently wrong with him. What could also enter his mind is if he is with the wrong person. Another Experience Alternatively, he could be in a position where he is continually walked over and gets to the stage where he has had enough. He could see that tolerating this kind of behaviour is having a negative effect on him. In this case, he could wonder why he doesn’t stand his ground and do something about what is going on. After thinking about what is going on and how long it has gone on, he could come to the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with him. A Closer Look Assuming that he can relate to both of these examples, the first will relate to his inability to connect to how he feels and the second his inability to connect to his instincts. If this wasn’t the case, he would be able to develop a deeper connection with another and stand his ground. This illustrates how important each of these elements is when it comes to his ability to live a fulfilling life. At this point, he could struggle to understand why he is this way. A Deeper Look If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, it is likely to show that his early years were not very nurturing. This might then have been a stage of his life when he was deeply traumatised. For example, his mother and perhaps his father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, he might have also often been put down and physically harmed. A Brutal Time Therefore, the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way would have rarely if ever been provided. Assuming then, that his time in his mother’s womb wasn’t traumatising and neither was his birth, he would have gradually left his body. Ultimately, it would have been too painful for him to be connected to his body and aware of his needs and feelings. For him to keep it together and function, then, he would have lost touch with this part of himself and gone into his head. One Option The trouble was that while this would have allowed him to function in a very depriving and painful environment, it wouldn’t have set him up to thrive as an adult. For him to be able to thrive, he will need to be in touch with his feelings, as they will allow him to bond with others and provide him with guidance, and, his instincts, as they will protect him and provide him with guidance. With this connection, his sense of self won’t just relate to his mind, it will also include his heart and body. To be an embodied human being, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even if a man feels as if something is missing, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. One reason for this is that he could live in a way that allows him to avoid how he feels.
So, he could spend a lot of time in doing mode, which will stop him from having to be with how he feels. Additionally, thanks to the defences that he has in place, even if he were to slow down and relax, he might not be able to connect to how he feels. The Experience Instead, this could be a time when he experiences a fair amount of tension and feels compelled to do something. By taking action, he will be able to release this tension and feel more at ease. Now, one of the main ways that he can keep his awareness away from what is going on in his body and, thus, how he feels, is by more or less always being in a relationship. Having a woman in his life will then play a part in keeping his inner emptiness at bay. Another Reality Alternatively, he might only have casual encounters and could have a number of women on the go. In this case, he won’t get close to one woman but he will still be able to keep a lid on how he feels. Then again, he could have been in a number of relationships and had a number of casual encounters over the years. Either way, there could be a point in time, when this approach no longer works. A Different For example, after experiencing a breakup, he might not be able to start another relationship or find a woman to have a casual enter with. Consequently, he could end up coming into contact with how he feels. This can be a time when he is overwhelmed with pain and ends up looking for answers. Yet, he can still have moments when he will shut down and lose touch with how he feels. Confusion He can struggle to understand why he feels so low and why it is as if he is an empty shell. What might enter his mind is that he was simply born this way and there is nothing that he can do. Or, he might believe that he just needs to be in a relationship, for instance, and he will be fine. But, if he has been in at least one relationship before, it will be clear that this won’t change how he feels deep down; it will merely allow him to avoid how he feels. Stepping Back If he were to look back on his life, he may find that he has more or less always needed to be with a woman or to have a woman on the go. He could see that when this hasn’t been the case, he has not been in a good way. For example, this may have been a time when he felt down and found it hard to cope. He may have had moments when he drank a lot, took drugs and/or ate a lot to keep his true feelings at bay. What’s going on? However, as confusing as what is going on for him might be, if he were to reflect on his early years, it might soon start to make sense. So, this may have been a stage of his life when his mother was typically emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Not only this, but she may have also been verbally and physically abusive. But, even if she wasn’t also this way, she wouldn’t have been able to provide her son with what he needed to grow and develop in the right way. The outcome He would have been deprived of the attunement and care that he needed and this would have stopped him from experiencing an emotional birth. This birth would have allowed him to go from being emotionally dependent, to emotionally interdependent. As a result, he would have stayed in an emotionally underdeveloped state, while his mental and physical self would have grown. This is why, at an emotional level, he won’t feel whole and complete. A Short-Term Solution Now that he is an adult, this inner emptiness is not something that can be filled by receiving the right responses. For this inner emptiness to be filled, it will largely be about him facing the pain that he was unable to fully feel and had to repress as a boy. The reason that he will be able to experience a sense of wholeness when he is a woman is because, to his unconscious mind, she will represent his mother. He will then be deceived into believing that he is finally relieving what he missed out on. The Wrong Time But, as this stage of his life has passed and another woman is not his mother, it will be too late. If this wasn’t so, the experiences that he has had with women would have changed how he feels deep down. As to why his mother wasn’t able to provide him with what he needed, she was probably also deprived during her formative years. She was then developmentally stunted and while she was in a position to birth a child, she wasn’t in a position to mother a child. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 27 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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