Although a man has an intellectual, emotional and sexual side, it doesn’t mean that he is comfortable with all of these sides. Thus, when he is in a relationship, a big part of him could end up being overlooked.
So, in the beginning, he could be sexually attracted to the woman and have feelings for her. However, as time passes, he might find it hard to be both sexually attracted to her and have feelings for her. One Outcome Consequently, he might lose interest in having sex with her and might just prefer to be affectionate. This could mean that his sex drive will also disappear, or it could end up being directed in another direction. For example, he could end up spending a lot of time viewing porn. When he sees these women, he might not think about them having needs and feelings; they can simply be sexual objects that are there to please others. Another Outcome Alternatively, he could end up meeting another woman and seeing her every now and then for sex. This could be a woman who he has met at work, via a dating app or has slept with before. Irrespective of whether he looks toward porn or sleeps with another woman, he can end up feeling guilty, ashamed and disgusted. But, what could help him to manage these feelings is that he could justify what he is doing. A Pattern This might be the first time that he has behaved in this way, or he might have been in this position before. Most likely, behaving this way will have and will continue to cause him a lot of problems. For one thing, his girlfriend could soon find out and could she feel deeply hurt and betrayed. Before long, she could end their relationship and the outcome of this is that he could be in a very bad way mentally and emotionally. The End Now, assuming that this was to take place, he could wonder why he is unable to be attracted to and love the same woman. What might enter his mind is that he goes for women who he is not overly attracted to. Then again, he might see that he is very attracted to a woman at the beginning but sees that once he starts to develop feelings for her, this attraction starts to fade away. At this point, he could conclude that there is something inherently wrong with him. One outlook Now, one way of looking at this would be to say that the reason he is unable to maintain the sexual attraction and love that he has for a woman is because he looks down on women who are sexual. A woman who is not sexual is then ‘good’ while a woman who is is ‘bad'. This is then an example of the ‘Madonna whore complex’. If this is the case, he will need to question what he believes about a woman who is sexual and enjoys expressing this part of her nature. Another outlook Another way of looking at this would be to say that it says more about his relationship with his own sexual nature than it does about what is going on for a woman. There is a chance that he doesn’t feel comfortable with this side of his nature. In this case, he doesn’t feel comfortable seeing a woman as a whole human being who is made up of many different sides as he doesn’t feel comfortable seeing himself in this way. By not being sexual with her or seeing her as a sexual being, then, he is able to stop himself from coming into contact with a part of himself that he feels ashamed of. On The Side Of course, if he is watching porn or having an affair, he is not completely denying this side. Nonetheless, this is a bit like someone who goes into another room to eat a certain type of food or drink alcohol. This is a side of him that he has not integrated or it would be a normal part of his life, as opposed to something that he needs to do on the side. To understand why he doesn’t feel at ease with this part of him, it might be a good idea for him to take a closer look at what his early years were like. Back in time This may have been a stage of his life when sex wasn’t mentioned and if it was, it was seen as something that was dirty and shameful. Perhaps his parent or parents were religious, which would have caused him to be exposed to messages that didn’t create a very healthy view of this side of his nature. He may have also had certain experiences that made him feel ashamed of and disgusted by this side of his nature. For example, he may have often been touched inappropriately. Another part What could also play a part in his inability to see a woman as a whole human being is that he could be projecting his mother into her. Naturally, if he does this, it is to be expected that he would lose his attraction to her, as it is not going to feel right. This can show that it wasn’t possible for him to emotionally separate from her and has stayed emotionally entangled with her. No matter what is going on for him, to integrate this side of him, he is likely to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through, among other things. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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After a man has experienced a breakup, he can experience a number of different feelings. For example, he can feel angry, sad, helpless, and hopeless and be full of regret.
If so, what this can show is that he was with a woman who he was very fond of and perhaps loved. Perhaps he was with her for a number of months or it might have been even longer. The Reason Now, what this can illustrate is that she ended the relationship. He might not have treated her very well at times or he might have cheated on her. If what he did played a big part in why it came to an end, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t be in a good way. It would be different if his girlfriend had been the one who was at fault but as it was him, he won’t be able to hold her accountable her for what has happened. Reaching out Due to this, he might have the need to talk to her about what is going on for him and apologise. He might also want to do what he can to make things right, so that they can get back together. At the same time, if he is feeling guilty and ashamed about how he has behaved, he might not want to contact her. Instead, he might want to keep his distance and hope that he doesn’t bump into or hear from her anytime soon. The First One If he does have the need to talk to her and reaches out to her, he might not hear back from her. Then again, she might be civil but she could make it clear that she needs her space and doesn’t want to talk at this time. After this, he could end up feeling even worse, that’s if he had hoped that he would be able to make headway. If he was in a hole before, he is now likely to be in an even deeper hole. The Second one If, on the other hand, he doesn’t have the need to talk to her, it doesn’t mean that he won’t end up seeing her again. But, if they live in the same area or often frequent the same places, this is not going to be a surprise. Assuming that he does see her, this can be a time when he has the need to hide himself or he might soon go somewhere else. This will be a way for him to manage the guilt and shame that are inside him. The Next Stage Regardless of whether he can relate to the first or second experience, as the days, weeks and months pass, he could continue to feel bad about himself. And, thanks to how bad he feels, many other areas of his life could start to fall apart. As a result, not only will he no longer be in a relationship but he might no longer eat as well as he did before, he might stop exercising, rarely see friends and not perform as well when he is at work, for instance. He is then going to be a shadow of the person that he was before. External Support If he has at least one close friend and this friend were to become aware of what is going on, they could suggest that they get together and talk about what he is going through. During this time, he can say that he doesn’t deserve to live a good life after what he has done and deserves to suffer. Alternatively, after hearing him talk about what is going on for him, this is what their friend could conclude. After this, they could tell him that no matter what he has done, he deserves to live a good life and doesn’t deserve to suffer. A Key Point Additionally, they could say that there is a big difference between becoming aware of the mistakes that were made and committing to making the necessary changes and beating oneself up. Naturally, the former will allow him to gradually move on from what happened and have a different relationship, while the latter won’t allow him to move forward, let alone have a different relationship. This might be something that he can accept at least intellectually but it might not have much of an impact on how he feels. After his time with his friend comes to an end, he can soon go back to how he was before. What’s going on? If he were to step back and reflect at this stage, what he may find is that he has the inclination to punish himself after he has made a mistake. In this case, this will be an inner experience that he feels comfortable with. What this may show is that, during his formative years, he had at least one parent who was very critical and cruel. Being put down and humiliated would then have been normal. The outcome Most likely, this parent was a deeply wounded and unfeeling human being who had no idea about the impact that their behaviour was having on him. Even so, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. It was then not that this parent was deeply wounded; it was that there was something inherently wrong with him and he deserved to be punished. What this is also likely to have done is made him believe that he didn’t deserve to have a fulfilling life, which will cause him to sabotage good things. Moving Forward For him to change his life, he will have beliefs to question and emotional wounds to work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, one thing that might end up standing out is that they have the tendency to act without thinking. As a result of this, they won’t think about the consequences that may arise if they do something; they will just take action.
They might see that they have been this way for a few years, or this could be how they have been for most of their life. Either way, behaving in this way is likely to have caused them a lot of trouble. For Example So, they might often spend money they don’t have, eat too much, have promiscuous sex and/or cheat when they are in a relationship, for instance. Due to this, they can be weighed down by debt, carry more weight than they want to carry, have slept with numerous people who were not right for them, and have ruined a number of their relationships. But, while behaving in these ways and/or other ways will cause them a lot of problems, they might not know how to change their behaviour. And, if they were to think about reaching out for support, they could be filled with shame. Suffering in Silence Therefore, instead of reaching out and receiving the help that they need, they will keep what is going on for them to themselves. When they think about reaching out, they could expect to be put down and rejected. Naturally, if they expect to be treated in this way, it is not going to be a surprise if they keep this to themselves. What they will need to keep in mind is that this is a challenge that is fairly common and there are people out there who will be understanding and supportive. The Next Step Now, assuming that they were to reach out for assistance, this can be a time when they are encouraged to reflect on why they behave in this way. So, they can see that they find it hard to handle how they feel and this causes them to do things to try to feel better and more settled. Their need to feel better and more settled will then take precedence, with the consequences of their actions being overlooked. To use an analogy: it will be as though they end up being on fire and they are compelled into doing something that they hope will put this fire out. Two Elements From this, it could be said that they are this way because their brain’s ability to regulate their feelings is not very effective and they are carrying unresolved trauma. Thus, if their brain was better at doing this and they were not loaded with inner baggage, it would be easier for them to think before they act and their life would be radically different. Taking this into account, for them to change their life, they will need to develop a better ability to regulate their inner process and deal with their unresolved trauma. One way that they can do this is by meditating and working with a trauma specialist, for instance. Going Deeper However, along with these two factors, what if there is another factor that is playing a part in how they behave? What if their behaviour is also a way for them to try to meet a number of the needs that were not met during their formative years? If so, although they won’t consciously choose to behave in this way, it doesn’t mean that their behaviour will be completely random and without purpose. Deep down, irrespective of whether it relates to buying something or having sex with someone, for instance, this can be seen as a way for them to finally meet a number of these needs. A Closer Look The part of them that believes that this will allow them to meet their unmet development needs won’t be part of their adult self; it will be part of their child self. This part of them won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, which is why it doesn’t know that this stage is over and other people are not their parent or parents. Thanks to this, it will cause them to unconsciously project their parent or parents into things, people and places. By having something, being with someone or being somewhere, then, it will be seen as a way for them to receive what they missed out on during their formative years. Back In Time During this stage of their life, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If this was the case, a number of their developmental needs would have seldom if ever been met. This would have greatly wounded and deeply deprived them. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. The outcome Still, although their parent or parents wouldn’t have been able to provide them with what they needed and they would have lost touch with a number of their developmental needs, they would have continued to live in the hope that this would change. This hope would have served as a defence against reality and their own feelings. What would have also played a part in this is that they were egocentric, so they would have believed that they were not worthy or deserving of having what they needed and were bad, while their parent or parents were good. Being who they wanted and struggling for love, then, would have been seen as a way for them to finally receive what they needed. The Same Story This stage of their life will be over, of course, but, they will still be trying to receive the emotional nutrients that they missed out on all those years ago to be able to feel whole and complete. Being impulsive will then be an attempt for them to receive what they missed out on and a way for them to release the tension that is inside them – tension that builds up as they are in pain and are carrying unmet developmental and perhaps adult needs. But, as it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on during their formative years, it won’t matter what they buy, who they have in their life or where they find themselves. Ultimately, it will be as if they will be stuck on a roundabout that they can’t get off. Moving Forward For them to change their life, they will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. By doing this, they will gradually have less going on inside them, so it will get easier for their brain to regulate their inner process. Also, as they are in less pain and their need to receive what they missed out on as a child lessens, their need to act impulsively won’t be as strong. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There is a video circulating online where two police officers visit a home, after being informed that a child is being abused. It starts with a police officer saying to a woman, “We’re here to investigate a child abuse complaint”.
The woman then responds with, “I didn’t call the police”. Soon after, her son appears and says, “I did. She hit me with a belt”. The police officer then asks, “Is that true, ma’me?” The woman, his mother, then says, “I found out from Daniels teacher he’s been cutting class and when I asked him about it, he lied, so I hit him”. After this, the other police officer says, “Come here, kid”. He then says to him, “How long ago did this happen?” The boy says, “A few hours ago”. The police officer replies with, “How many times did she hit you?” The boy says, “Three – she whacked me right on the butt”. After hearing this, the police officer says, “She hit you anywhere else?”, and the boy replies with, “No”. The boy is then asked, “She hit you with her fist or another object?” and the boy says, “No, just the belt”. He is then asked, “Has this happened before?” and the boy says, “No”. The police officer then says, “All right, I’m gonna need to take that belt and put it into evidence”. His mother, talking to the other police officer says, “He’s been acting out a little and I felt like I had to” and she then says, after the other officer goes back to talk to her, “am I going to jail?” The police officer says to her son, “You called the police on your mom because she disciplined you for ditching school?” The boy says, “That’s child abuse, I’ve got rights”, and the police officer says, “Who told you that?” and he replies, “My friends” After this, the police officer says, “Hit him again” while looking toward his mother, and says, “You know what, you got some bad advice from your buddies in the playground, pal. You don’t ever call the police on your mom. Had that been my mom you’d be calling me from the floor. I got to be back here again because you were ditching class, I’m gonna peel this belt off, and I’m gonna hit you myself. You got it?” He is then told, “John, get inside”, and it ends with, the police officer saying, “Have a nice day”. A Closer Look Now, while this footage was probably taken from a film or a series, there were numerous comments that were in agreement with what took place. Some went into how the mother did the right thing and others went into how the world would be different if more children were disciplined. One way of looking at the point that this video makes would be to say that it shows how important it is to discipline a child when they misbehave. And, how, unless this happens, they will continue to misbehave and will end up causing problems when they are an adult. Another Angle However, is it really a good idea to hit a child if they ‘misbehave’? When a parent responds in this way, their child might no longer ‘misbehave’ but what message are they sending their child? Are they sending the message that ‘might is right’ and that physical force can be used when another person doesn’t behave in a certain way? Moreover, what impact will this have on their relationship with their child? Going Deeper To focus on the first point, would this parent also hit their partner or a friend if they ‘misbehaved’? Most likely, they would ask them about why they behaved in this way, to get to the bottom of what is going on. As for the second point, hitting their child whenever they misbehave is likely to damage the relationship that they have with their child. Instead of feeling safe and being able to trust them, their child can have the need to keep their distance and have their guard up around them. A Bizarre Situation Furthermore, when a parent hits their child for ‘misbehaving’ and sees them as the problem, it is as though they are acting in this way for no reason. In reality, they are likely to be ‘misbehaving’ because a need or a number of needs are not being met. But, perhaps through being unaware of a need or a number of needs and even having an unavailable parent or parents, they end up ‘acting out’. What is then a cry for help, causes them to be punished. A Lack of Attunement If, on the other hand, this parent were to take the time to be there for their child and tune into what is going on for them, they might soon see that their child is not simply playing up; they are trying to meet a need or a number of needs. To do this, though, a parent needs to have a good connection with their own needs and feelings, not be weighed down by their own history, be present and see their child clearly, not project their own issues into them. Naturally, this takes self-awareness and more effort and intelligence than simply treating their child like a wild animal that needs to be domesticated. Yet, this will allow their child to bond with them and help them to bond with other adults as the years go by and play a part in their child having good mental and emotional health. A Dark Side What this will also do is help to prevent their child from carrying a lot of repressed anger, rage and hate. As, when a child is continually hit after they ‘misbehave’, they are likely to carry a lot of repressed anger, rage and hate. Therefore, regardless of if they don’t become overly aggressive and a threat to others and become well-behaved and even easy-going and submissive, they are still going to have another, hidden side to them that is very different. Taking this into account, given the right circumstances, they could lose it and do something extremely destructive. Blocked out Lastly, even though being hit throughout this stage of their life will have a destructive effect on them, they can grow into an adult who believes that their parent or parents did the right thing and even encourage another parent or parents to do the same thing. It might seem strange that something like this could take place. Nonetheless, during their formative years, they would have been egocentric, which would have caused them to believe that the reason they were being hit was because they were bad. Seeing themselves as bad and their parent or parents as good would have also been a defence against reality and a way for them to try to earn the love that might not have been available. Part Child, Part Adult As an adult, they won’t be powerless or dependent or need to fear their parent or parents, but, a big part of them won’t realise this. This part of them will stop them from being able to see their parent or parents clearly. In a way, by having an idealised view of their parent or parents and believing that they hit them ‘for their own’ good, for instance, they will unknowingly be betraying the child that they once were. This is not to say that they need to hate their parent or parents; it’s about them seeing through the eyes of an adult. Final Thoughts For me, the view that hitting a child is acceptable and the right thing is a sign of how, as human beings, we can not only justify anything but how behaviours are mindlessly passed down from one generation to another. It is well-known that hitting a dog after they have ‘misbehaved’ leads to problems, so how could it be a good idea to hit a child?
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they behave in a way that doesn’t serve them when they experience a lot of stress. So, they can see that they have the tendency to withdraw physically.
Along with this, they can lose touch with their emotional self and become emotionally disconnected. When both of these things take place, they will be physically and emotionally unavailable. External Feedback As a result of this, their friends and perhaps family can wonder what has happened to them. When they respond in the first way, it can be as though they have gone to another part of the country, or another country entirely. When they respond in the first and second way, it can be as though they have completely disappeared and/or are no longer alive. Naturally, this can be a time when other people are concerned. The Other Difference Now, when they respond in the first way, it might be possible for others to contact them. But, when they respond in the first and second way, it might not be possible for others to reach them. In the first case, other people can wonder what is going on and in the second, they can worry about if they are ok. However, some of the people in their life could be aware of their inclination to not be available physically and emotionally. A Pattern These people could believe that when this takes place, they just need to let them know that they are there if they need them and give them space. They might also go and visit them every now and then to show their support. If so, this can show that the people in their life are very supportive and understanding. Alternatively, they could be in a position where they are not overly close to anyone and end up being isolated when this takes place. A Strange Scenario Unsurprisingly, not having anyone there for them when this takes place is going to make it harder for them to handle what is going on. The reason for this is that they are an interdependent human being, who needs others. At this point, they can wonder why they behave in this way when they experience a lot of stress. They might, for example, believe that it would be better for them to reach out for support during this time and stay connected to how they feel. It’s Automatic Nonetheless, what they can find is that when they experience a lot of stress, they don’t choose to isolate themselves or lose touch with how they feel. Instead, this can be something that takes place automatically. At this point, they could believe that they have no control over how they behave during this time and are powerless. Consequently, they could feel helpless and hopeless. What’s going on? Now, while it can seem as though they have no control and are being undermined by their brain and body by behaving in this way, what if there is more to it? What if they do have control and their brain and body are protecting them? Yet, thanks to how they behave during this time, they can struggle to accept that they have control and how their brain and body are protecting them. Most likely, a big part of them believes that behaving this way is the only way for them to survive when they experience a lot of stress. Going Deeper What this can show is that their brain and body are responding to how things were, not how things are. If this is the case, it is likely that there was a stage in their life when behaving in this way was their only way to protect themselves. Assuming that this is so, it can show that their early years were a time when they were often deeply traumatised. Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have often been deprived, which would have caused them to be overwhelmed. One Option At this stage of their development, as they were powerless and dependent, their only choice was to lose touch with their emotional self and mentally detach from themselves. This wouldn’t have changed what was going on, but it would have ensured their survival. The years would have passed and they would have grown physically and mentally, if not emotionally, and they might have continued to be traumatised. But, if they were, as they were more capable than they were before, they would have been able to withdraw not just emotionally but physically, too. Replaying The Past Of course, many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but their brain and body won’t realise this. This is why they will respond in this way when they are under stress. They will also be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs that they had to repress. This pain and these needs will make it harder for them to handle the stress that they experience, as their nervous system will already be maxed out. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
A man could have a mother who is unwell or he might not but he could still spend a lot of time doing things for her. From the outside, it can be as though she is his daughter and it is his responsibility to take care of her.
So, when he is not taking care of his basic needs or at work, for instance, he could be doing things for her. This could be something that she is grateful for, or she might act as if she is entitled to his time, energy and attention. The Norm But, even if she is not grateful for all the things that he does for her, this might not be something that he is aware of. The reason for this is that behaving in this way can just be what is normal. If so, deep down, behaving in this way is likely to be seen as the right thing for him to do and he won’t expect to be valued and appreciated. Still, thanks to how much he does for her and how little he does for himself, behaving in this way is going to cause him to suffer. External Feedback However, if a friend or family member were to mention that he does a lot for his mother and that he needs to take better care of himself, he might not be able to hear what they say. For example, he could say that he is doing fine and that they don’t need to worry. Than again, he could become defensive, accusing them of being critical and having something against his mother. Either way, it will be clear that he is not ready to accept that he is out of balance. In Denial If he were merely an extension of his mother, there would be no reason for him to change his behaviour. But, as he has his own needs and feelings and life to lead, he can’t behave in this way without paying a price. What he can do is ignore what is taking place within him and pretend that he is not abandoning himself. Sooner or later, though, he might arrive at a point where he can no longer behave in this way. Inner Conflict If this were to happen, he probably wouldn't just be able to change his behaviour. Part of him can have the need to be there for himself and another part of him can have the need to be there for his mother. He will know that living in this way is not serving him but the mere thought of standing up for himself can cause him to experience guilt and shame. He can also experience fear and anxiety. A Deeper Look If he were to take a closer look at what is going on, he could find that he believes that he is responsible for his mother. This is then going to be why he will feel guilty and ashamed if he is not there for her. Additionally, he could find that he believes that his mother is in control of his survival. This will then be why he feels fearful and anxious if he is not there for her. Another Element There might be more to it as he could see that part of him is trying to be loved by his mother. Not doing what she wants is then going to be seen as something that will stop this from taking place. Nonetheless, no matter what he does for her, it is unlikely that he will ever receive this love. Moreover, he will be looking for the love that he missed on as a child and, now that he is an adult, it will be good late for him to receive this love. Back In Time Taking into account what is going on for him as an adult, it is likely that he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a boy. This is likely to have been a time when his mother was unable to provide him with the love that he needed and forced him to adapt to her needs. To handle what was going on, he would have gradually lost touch with a number of his needs and feelings. His connected true self would then have been replaced by a disconnected, false self. The Fall Out So, as he had to be there for her at this stage of his life, it is to be expected that he would feel guilty and ashamed if he is not there for her. He would have been conditioned to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he had to take care of her needs. He also wouldn’t have been given the support that he needed to freely express himself at this stage, which would have caused him to believe that he could only survive if he acted like an extension of her. Lastly, as he was deprived at this stage, he wouldn’t have received the love that he needed, but, this need wouldn’t have disappeared; it would have been repressed and continued to define his life from behind the scenes. Drawing the Line One thing this would have done is caused him to believe that if he was there for his mother and even saved her – perhaps she was not in a good way mentally or emotionally – she would finally be able to be there for hm. But, as it wouldn’t have mattered what he did, he would have been wasting his time. With this in mind, for him to change his life, there will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone can be free to express themselves, it doesn’t mean that they will do so. Instead, based on how they typically behave, it can be as though they are in an invisible prison.
However, if this is just what is normal, they might not realise that they are living in a very restrictive manner. Still, as they don’t freely express themselves, this is likely to have a negative impact on them. The Symptoms For example, they can often feel low and even depressed. During this time, they can feel very heavy and their physical body can go into a collapsed state. But, by not being aware of why they end up having this experience, they can believe that they just suffer from depression, for instance. The outcome of this is that they can end up being put on medication. One part Now, as they seldom freely express themselves, it is going to mean that a number of their needs are seldom, if ever, met. So, when they are around others, they can have the tendency to stay in the background and not speak up. This can take place when they are at work, with friends and family. If so, they are going to be used to listening to others and they could often be described as being quiet and/or shy. The Other Part Naturally, staying in the background is not going to allow them to be seen and heard or feel valued and appreciated. Moreover, being this way is likely to have prevented them from being able to make a great deal of progress when it comes to their job or career. It can be as if they are stuck in the same place and are unable to move forward. What they may believe, if they were to think about this area of their life, is that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. One Route After arriving at the stage where they can no longer tolerate living in this way, they could end up wondering why their life is so unfulfilling. What might end up entering their mind is how they rarely show up around others and do what they can to avoid attention. They could find that although this is not serving them, it is what feels comfortable. If they were to imagine that they no longer held themselves back and freely expressed themselves, they might soon experience anxiety and fear. Confusion If so, they could believe that there is no reason for them to feel this way and that this inner experience is ‘irrational’. Moreover, if they were to speak to a friend about what is going on for them, this friend could also say the same thing. However, if what took place during their formative years were taken into account, what is going on for them as an adult might make complete sense. This might have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, or a big part of it, they might have been physically harmed verbally put down and left. Therefore, the security, safety, protection and care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way wouldn’t have been provided. This would then have been a time when they felt insecure, unsafe, exposed and unloved. To handle what was going on, they are likely to have lost touch with their connected, true self and developed a disconnected, false self. The message Most likely, one or both of their parents were deeply wounded human beings who simply couldn’t give them what they needed. But, as they were egocentric, they are likely to have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable Also, they are likely to have come to believe that it wasn’t safe for them to exist, express themselves or be seen and heard. Along with this, being greatly deprived would have caused them to experience a lot of pain. Two Parts On one hand, then, there will be the beliefs that they formed and, on the other, there will be the pain that they experienced as a result of certain developmental needs not being met. This pain and these needs would have ended up being repressed by their brain, to allow them to keep it together and function. With this in mind, for their life to change, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man were to take a step back and reflect on his life, he could see that he is too focused on his mother's needs and is ignoring a number of his own. He might soon find that this is how he has been for as long as he can remember.
For whatever reason, he will have started to see clearly and this will give him the chance to change his life. After a while, he could wonder why it wasn’t possible for him to see this before. Blocked out What this is likely to show is that his brain stopped him from being able to see clearly. It would have done this to allow him to keep it together and function, not to harm him. As, if he were able to see what was going on, this might have unlocked a lot of pain, which would have made it hard for him to keep it together and function. And, now that he does have a clear idea of what is going on, he could have a lot going on at a mental and emotional level. All at Sea For example, he could experience a lot of ‘negative’ thoughts and feelings. So, he could often have thoughts that relate to his needs and feelings being bad, and he could often feel angry, enraged helpless and hopeless. Nonetheless, if he behaves how he usually does and does what his mother wants, he could feel more at ease. Being there for her is then not going to serve him but it will allow him to be more settled. One Outlook If he were to think about his mother, he could come to the conclusion that she is self-absorbed, entitled, lacks empathy and sees him as her possession. She is then not going to be a mentally and emotionally healthy woman. If this is what she is like, it is unlikely that it will occur to her that her son has his own needs and feelings and life to lead. Therefore, if he were to talk to her about what is going on, he is unlikely to get very far. A Brick Wall This can be a time when she is unable to truly hear what he says. For example, what he says can be denied and dismissed, or she could just withdraw. Either way, it won’t be possible for him to reach her and be seen and heard. What he might soon come to accept is that it is a waste of time for him to try to get through to her. A Replay Most likely, what is taking place for him as an adult is a continuation of how it was for him as a child. If so, he would have had to be there for his mother and he would have seldom, if ever, been seen and heard. What might enter his mind, sooner or later, is that his mother was the bad one but his father was the good one. This could show that his father was around during his formative years and is still with his mother. Going Deeper If his mother was often controlling and cruel during this time, his father might have often been easy-going and kind, for instance. From this, it could be said that his mother was the perpetrator and his father was the victim. Taking this into account, it is not going to be a surprise if he sees his mother as the bad one and his father as the good one. He could even feel sorry for his father and what he had to go through. Another Angle Nevertheless, what if the view that he has of his father is not accurate and is partly a way for him to avoid how he feels? What this comes down to is that, on one level, his father might have been the victim, but, he was still an adult. Furthermore, as his father wasn’t there for him, it would have meant that a number of his developmental needs were rarely, if ever, met. So, this will have related to his need to be protected, guided and affirmed, for instance. A Tough Time As a result of this, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded by his father, as well as his mother. The pain that this caused him, along with the needs that were not met, would have ended up being repressed by his brain. Many, many years will have passed and he may now see his father as the good parent and as having done the best that he could, but, how he felt all those years ago and the needs that were not met won’t have disappeared; this material will be held outside of his conscious awareness. What this illustrates is that there is his adult self and the views that this self has, and then, below this, there is his child self, or child parts, and the pain that relates to how he felt early on and the unmet developmental needs that were not met. Moving Forward Working through this pain and the pain that he experienced by being deprived by his mother will play a key part in what will allow him to put this stage of his life behind him and be an integrated human being. This is then not about him blaming his father or mother; it is about him surrendering to and feeling the feelings that he wasn’t able to fully feel during his formative years. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to come to see that their early years were anything but nurturing, they could feel the need to talk to their parent or parents about what happened. They can hope that this will be a time when what they say is validated and empathy and remorse are expressed.
Now, assuming that they were to speak to one of their parents, this can be a time when what they say is validated. This parent can also express empathy and be deeply sorry for what happened. The Ideal Scenario Of course, this is not going to make up for the damage that they did but it will be better than not being seen and heard. Thanks to the support that this parent is showing them, it can make it easier for them to heal their inner wounds. If they are having therapy, there is a chance that this parent will offer to go with them. They might also learn that how their parent treated them was very similar to how their parent was treated by their parent. Generational Abuse If so, it will be clear that their parent didn’t just decide to mistreat them; they were passing on what was done to them. Most likely, they were not consciously aware of what was going on and were being driven by old wounds. Now that they are becoming aware of what they went through and are healing their inner wounds, they will be able to put an end to this pattern. This could be a pattern that goes back many, many generations. Another Scenario Alternatively, they could talk to their parent about what they went through but they might not get very far. Instead, this parent could deny what they say and make out that they are making most, if not all, of it up. Therefore, what they say is not going to be validated and this parent won’t empathise with them or express remorse. Due to this, it can be as though they are their parent’s enemy and are simply accusing them of something that they didn’t do. A Replay Moreover, this parent can talk about all of the things that they did for them and how they sacrificed themselves. From this, it will be as though they are just ungrateful and can’t accept how good they had it. After this, they could feel frustrated, angry, hurt and let down. Still, they might not stop trying to get through to them and could continue to try to be seen and heard by them. A Dead end This is something that could go on for many months, if not years. They are then going to be directing their attention and this, their energy, towards someone who is not going to give them what they want to receive. If, at this point, they were to take as step back and reflect on what is going on, they could see that how their parent is behaving is nothing new. What might stand out is that, throughout their formative years, this parent seldom if ever was able to see and hear them. Out of Reach Irrespective of how often this parent was physically available, they would have rarely been emotionally unavailable. Not being able to reach them now will be a continuation of how it was for them all those years ago. In a way, it can be as if their parent has an invisible wall around them that they can’t penetrate. It is then not going to matter what they say as this parent won’t truly hear what they say and be able to see that they greatly harmed them during their formative years. A Closer Look What this is likely to show is that this parent lives on the surface of themselves and doesn’t have a good connection with their own feelings or reality. This is not to say that they are consciously choosing to be this way, though. There is a strong chance that what they went through during their formative years caused them to adapt in this way. After being deeply wounded by their mother and perhaps their father, they would have been forced to lose touch with their body and lose touch with reality. One option If they hadn’t adapted in this way, and had stayed connected to their body and in touch with reality, it would have been too much for them to handle. They would have been overwhelmed by their own feelings and had to accept that their mother and perhaps their father couldn’t love them. However, by losing touch with themselves and their own feelings and what was actually going on, they were able to put up with what was going on. This wouldn’t have changed what was going on but it would have stopped them from being aware of it. The Next Stage Without this connection to themselves and reality – something that would have played a big part in why they harmed their own child - it will be possible for them to believe anything and create any narrative that they desire. This is why they can believe that they treated them well and perhaps only remember things that back that up. Deep down, their priority will be to do everything that they can to keep their pain out of their conscious awareness, so that they can keep it together and function. It is then not that they are doing what they can to deprive their adult child of what they want, they are doing what they can to deceive themselves; as, if they don’t do this, they are likely to fall apart. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What a man may find, if he were to take a step back and reflect, is that he finds it hard to stick to things. So, he can come up with a goal and start taking action and then, before long, he can put it to one side.
He might see that this often takes place after he has experienced a setback. When this happens, he can end up feeling defeated and not have the strength to continue. Another Area Along with this, he can find that it is hard for him to stand his ground and say no. Due to this, it can be normal for him to be taken advantage of and do things that he would rather not do. When this happens, he could find that he doesn’t believe that he has a choice and just has to put up with what is going on. He can then end up feeling frustrated, resentful and helpless. One Conclusion After thinking about this and perhaps other challenges that he has, he could believe that he lacks something. What could soon enter his mind is that he lacks the strength that he needs to stick to things and stand up for himself. He might find that he has been this way for most of his life, which might cause him to believe that he was born this way. If so, there is not going to be a great deal that he can do about what is going on. Another Point of view However, if he were to take a closer look at what his early years were like, he might start to get an idea about why he is this way. Then again, he might not be able to remember much about this stage of his life. Or, he could say that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad and that other people have it worse. Furthermore, he could say that he wasn’t hit by either of his parents and generally had what he needed. Going Deeper Still, there is a chance that his conscious mind has forgotten about the parts of his childhood that would shed light on why he is this way. Therefore, he might not have been hit and his basic needs might have generally been met but he might have been deprived in other ways. For example, his father and mother might not have allowed him to freely express himself and could have been very domineering at times. His father might have been the parent who was typically in control or it might have been his mother. Very Oppressive Either way, thanks to how controlling one or both of his parents often were, he wouldn’t have been able to stay connected to and then strengthen his will. He would have been in a battle and it would have been a battle that he couldn’t win. After perhaps doing his best to resist their control, he is likely to have ended up giving up and accepting what was going on. As he was powerless and dependent, he was not in a position to change them or to leave them. Beaten Down A stage of his life when he needed to be able to express himself, so that he could develop a strong will, would have been a time he had to lose touch with this part of him. The support and encouragement that he needed wouldn’t have been provided. In all likelihood, his parents were not thinking about the impact that this would have on him and how this would affect his ability to survive, let alone thrive, as an adult. They were probably focused consciously, and unconsciously, on doing what they could to control their son, so that he wouldn’t bring up any of their own issues and would be easier to handle. The outcome Not only would his will have been repressed and remained underdeveloped, but he would have come to believe that this side of him was bad. Moreover, expressing this part of him, a part that is normal and important, is likely to have been seen as something that would cause him to be rejected and even harmed. To handle what was going on, he is also likely to have ended up losing touch with his feelings and a number of his needs. He would then have been forced to lose touch with his connected and embodied, true self and develop a disconnected and disembodied, false self. Moving Forward Ultimately, there was and is nothing wrong with his need to express himself or his will. And, if his parents had been in their power and were not wounded, they would have encouraged him to express his will in a healthy manner. They would have realised how important this was and how he needed a strong will to do well as an adult. For him to know that his will is not bad and develop this side of him and reconnect to his body, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 27 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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