|
What a man may see, if he were to step back and reflect on his life, is that he has the inclination to end up with women who can’t be there for him. He will then do a lot for them at the beginning, and as time passes, but he won’t receive a great deal back.
For example, he might see that he is drawn to women who are unable to handle life and act as if they need someone to take care of them. He then takes on a parental role and does what he can to change a woman’s life. At the Start So, if he were to think about when he was last dating a woman, he might think about how, during this time, he was trying to help her to get over a breakup or a loss, for instance. Or, perhaps she was struggling financially, and he was helping her to meet her basic needs. If he were helping her get over a loss, he might have spent a lot of time listening to her and trying to cheer her up. He might have often called and messaged her, sent her gifts, and taken her out for meals, among other things. One Direction During this time, he might have had the sense that he was doing the right thing and felt good about himself. The woman he was with might have also often expressed her gratitude for what he was doing for her. However, even if she were grateful for what he was doing and there were moments when she was there for him, he would have been directing a lot of his time and energy toward her. Thanks to this, he might have soon felt drained, and a number of areas of his life might have been overlooked. Out of Balance But as he was so focused on trying to help her, he might have typically ignored how he was feeling. The sense that he was doing the right thing and the positive feelings that this allowed him to experience may have helped him to ignore how he was really feeling. Yet, as time passed, it might have gotten harder and harder for him to ignore how he felt and the signs that he wasn’t living in a way that was serving him. At this point, he might have started to see how angry, resentful, and invisible he felt. The next Phase When it came to an end, it might have been because he was unable to behave in this way any longer, or because she ended it. Either way, this may have been a time when he felt helpless and hopeless, and he might have even thought about ending his life. Still, as unfulfilling as their time together had been and how relieved part of him was that it was over, part of him might have lived in the hope that, sooner or later, they would get back together again. Over time, though, he might have soon settled down and been able to move on from her. What's going on? Now, after thinking about his last experience with a woman and other experiences that he has had, he can wonder why he can’t just be with a woman who is available and doesn’t need to be rescued. This will then be a relationship between two adults, not an adult and a child. He will then listen to her challenges, and she will listen to his; he will support her, and she will support him, and he won’t do things for her that she has to do for herself and vice versa, among other things. What might enter his mind is that he is just unlucky, or that this is just what women are like. Another Angle Nonetheless, what if the reason he has these experiences is that he is unconsciously trying to receive what he missed out on as a boy? This may have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. From a very young age, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have often been in a bad way emotionally and been more like a helpless child than an adult. The Outcome To handle not receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have gradually lost touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. What would have also allowed him to keep it together and function was the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, she would love him. The Same Struggle As futile as this was, as most likely, his mother had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years and couldn’t give him what he needed, it would have helped him to handle this stage of his life. It would have done this by helping to keep his pain out of his conscious awareness and releasing tension. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but a big part of him will still be looking for the love he didn’t receive. This part of him will cause him to unconsciously project the mother that he had into a woman and then to try to make her give him what his mother couldn’t. A Strange Scenario Like when he was a boy, then, he will abandon himself and be there for her, in hope of finally being embraced and loved. This part of him is blind and has no sense of time, which is why it can’t see that another woman is not his mother and that it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. So, just as when he was a boy, he will be deprived all over again and will suffer as a result. For him to put an end to looking for what he missed out on as a boy and to have a fulfilling relationship, there will be a number of steps for him to take. Moving Forward He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
0 Comments
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on how they often feel, what may enter their mind is that they have the inclination to feel low. They might see that this is how they usually feel when they are around others.
However, when they are by themselves or are only around one person or a few people, they might not feel this way. After this, what might stand out is that, over the years, they have done their best to stay in the background. Self-Protection But, as they are going to find it hard to feel good when they are around a lot of people, this is going to make sense. What can also stand out is that this has stopped them from being able to freely express themselves. They might see that, in the past, when they have freely expressed themselves, they have often been criticised and humiliated. By staying in the background then, and not spending much time around others, they won’t feel as bad about thesmevles. Another Part And when they are around others, they might see that they typically focus on them and do what they can to please them. They can then be easy-going, selfless and useful. In general, then, when they are around others, they are not going to fully show up. They are going to be like an actor who performs for an audience, with their audience not being people who have paid to see them, but people who they come into contact with. External Feedback If they were to open up about what is going on for them to a trusted friend, this can be a time when they are understood and supported. Their friend could say that there is nothing wrong with them and they don’t need to hide themselves. After this, they could thank them for their support and be grateful to have them in their life. Before long, what might enter their mind is that they have the sense that they are less than others. A Closer Look If this is the case, it will make sense why they have the need to stay in the background and not freely express themselves. This will be a way for them to stop other people from seeing the real them and allow them to be accepted, and thus, survive. Nonetheless, even though this is what is going on for them, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. In reality, they are not less than others, and they can freely express themselves and not only survive, but thrive. A Deeper Look Yet, for their life to change, what is going on for them internally will also need to change. Now, although how they see thesmevles won’t be the truth, as, to a big part of them, having this view and hiding will be seen as their only way to survive, a big part of them won’t want to experience life differently. It can then seem strange why they would have the need to act like someone who is less than others and has no right to live a fulfilling life in order to feel safe and exist. But as strange as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them during their formative years, it might soon make sense. Back In Time From a very young age, one or both of their parents might have been very critical, cold and cruel. As a result, they wouldn’t have been treated as though they deserved to be here, were valuable and lovable; they would have been treated as though they had no right to exist, were worthless and unlovable. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, they would have lost touch with their connected, embodied, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, deflated and outer-directed false self. An Inner Protector Part of this false self would have been the creation of a part of them that was there to ensure that they hid themselves around others and stayed in the background. Another way of looking at his part would be to call it their ‘superego’. This part would have soon learnt that being here and being seen wasn’t safe and that to survive, they had to erase thesmevles and act like an extension of others. This inner controller was then not trying to harm them; it was doing what it could to minimise their suffering and keep them alive. It’s over Of course, this stage of their life is over, but this part of them won’t realise this. As far as it is concerned, it will need to hold onto the sense of being less than others and keep them in line, or else they will be harmed and ostracised, which will cause their life will end. For them to gradually change this part of them, get back into their body and realise that they deserve to be here, have inherent worth and are lovable, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Recently, a woman may have been with a man who was overly focused on his mother. Due to this, when she was with him, she was likely to have often felt ignored, rejected, and even abandoned.
If this were the case, it would have been a relationship where she received very little but gave a lot of herself. Now that it is over, a big part of her can be relieved, while another part of her can be in a bad way emotionally. Far More Intense She can find that, even though she is an adult, she feels like a child who has been left by her parent or parents. As a result, she can often feel overwhelmed and spend a lot of time crying. Thanks to this, although she will no longer be in a relationship that is not serving her, she won’t just be able to carry on as normal. When it comes to the impact that her feelings are having, she might find it hard to sleep and to perform at her best when she is at work. External Feedback If she were to talk to a trusted friend about what is going on for her, they could be very supportive and understanding. They could say that over time, she will get back on her feet and feel better. After speaking to this friend, not once, but on a number of occasions, as well as others, she can find that she feels better. What can also help her move forward is crying, exercising, eating well, and focusing on her hobbies. The Next Stage After a number of weeks, months and even years have passed, she could end up dating another man. And, like before, it could start off well, but as time passes, he could soon become out of reach. Assuming that this takes place, she can feel drained and, just like before, she can feel ignored, rejected and even abandoned. Before long, she can realise that the man that she is with is no different to the last man that she was with and cut her ties with him. Another fall If this takes place, she can often feel overwhelmed and spend a lot of time crying. Assuming that she has this experience again, what can enter her mind is that the man she was with caused her to feel this way. The man that she was with before this, and perhaps other men that she has been with who were the same, can then be seen as having caused her to feel this way, too. Consequently, she can feel helpless and hopeless. A Natural Outcome Yet, as she will feel bad during and after a relationship, in addition to wanting to be with a man who is available but hasn’t attracted a man who is, this is not a surprise. What can enter her mind is that she is unlucky, or that this is just what men are like. Nonetheless, what if the reason she feels abandoned during and after a relationship is not solely because a man makes her feel this? What if how she felt was held inside her unconscious mind, and the man simply played a part in making her conscious of how she already felt? Another Element Furthermore, what if, deep down, she also has a fear of being smothered, and this is why she continually ends up with men who are out of reach? She will then consciously suffer when she is with a man who is out of reach, and once her time with him comes to an end, but at an unconscious level, this will be what feels safe. If, at this point, she experiences resistance, but also curiosity, she can wonder why there is a part of her that fears being smothered. But if she were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for her as a child, it might soon make sense. Back In Time During this stage of her life, her parent or parents might not have been completely emotionally unavailable and out of reach, as she might have often received the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed. However, in addition to this, there might have often been moments when she was abandoned and smothered. Assuming that this was the case, she wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to her parent or parents. But as there were moments when she did receive attuned care, she would have developed a stronger fear of being abandoned than of being smothered. A Lot to Deal With To handle not receiving the care that she needed, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs. This would have involved her losing touch with her embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. Her underdeveloped brain would have also personalised what took place, with her coming to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, and she was worthless and unlovable. Moving Forward Lastly, although her parent or parents were unable to provide her with what she needed, she would have lived in the hope that, if she struggled for their love, they would be there for her. This hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for her to keep it together and function. This stage of her life will be over, of course, but, as she will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the unmet developmental needs that her brain repressed all those years ago, not to mention that part of her will cause her to unconsciously re-create what it was like for her as a child to try to receive the love that she missed out on, it makes sense why this area of her life is not very fulfilling. For her to change this area of her life, she will have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs for her to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If she can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he is in a relationship where he typically ignores his own needs. Focusing on his partner’s needs and doing what he can to please her can then be normal.
Now, this can mean that his partner is very grateful for what he does and also does a lot for him, or this might not be the case. If this isn’t the case, she can just take what he does for granted and often criticise him for not doing more for her. A Chore Assuming that this is so, he is going to be giving a lot while receiving very little. If he were to think about what he receives from her, he might see that they rarely cuddle, or kiss, let alone have sex. And when this does take place, she could often create the impression that she is doing him a favour. Due to how she reacts, he might do his best to not reach out to her and ask her for anything. Weighed Down However, although he will be suffering, he might generally hide what is going on for him when he is around others. This can be a time when he acts as if everything is fine and he is happy in his relationship. Furthermore, due to how he behaves, there might be some people who believe that he has a very good relationship. But no matter how he comes across, it won’t accurately show what is really going on for him. External Feedback Sooner or later, he might reach out to a trusted friend and talk about what he is going through. During this time, his friend could be shocked, or they could say that they sensed something wasn’t right. After this, they could tell him that he probably needs to end the relationship and then take the time to build himself up again. If so, he might agree with what they say and thank them for their support. The Next Step Shortly after, he can think about how low and weak he feels and that being with her is not doing him any good. Yet, part of him can believe that he is behaving in the right way and needs to stay with her. What can enter his mind is that, if he leaves her, he would be being disloyal and letting her down. Nonetheless, another part of him can see that as things stand, he is not being loyal to himself and is letting himself down. In The Driver’s Seat Assuming that this is what is going on, this area of his life is largely going to be controlled by a part of him that is not serving him. If, on the other hand, it was largely controlled by a part of him that was serving him, this area of his life is likely to be very different. After a while, he, or his partner, might end the relationship, and if this does happen, he can think about what his other relationships have been like, that’s if he has had others. If he has, he can see that he behaved in the same way. Confusion At this point, he can wonder why there is a part of him that has the need to behave in this way. He can see that this part of him is causing him to overlook a number of his needs and to be deprived. But, as strange as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, his behaviour might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when not only did his father abandon himself, but his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Two Parts As a result of how his father behaved, he would have gradually developed an inner model of how a man behaves in a relationship with a woman. His father would have indirectly taught him that he has to ignore his own needs and to do what he can to please a woman. This would have sent him the message that his needs were bad and he was unworthy of having them met. And what would have helped to enforce this message is if his mother were typically out of reach and unable to be here for him. In The Same Position He would then have had to lose touch with his needs and do what he could to please her. Therefore, while his father would have been more like her parent than her partner, he would have been more like her parent than her son. To handle being deprived of the attunement, care, affection, and support that he needed, he would have had to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. Moving Forward Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but due to how he adapted and what he came to believe, the pattern of self-abandonment will continue. The truth is that his needs and his feelings are not bad, and he is worthy of having them met. For him to develop an accurate view of himself and his needs and feelings, to be loyal to himself, and reconnect to his body, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If he can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist of healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Recently, someone might have experienced a breakup or lost their job. As a result of what has just happened, they can feel totally helpless and hopeless, and as if their whole world has closed in.
They can then typically feel very heavy, weak, lifeless, depressed, and they might even have moments when they think about ending their life. Due to this, it is likely to be difficult for them to get out of bed, to perform at their best when they are working, and they might have very little, if any, interest in seeing friends or family. Two Options Before long, they might end up reaching out for support, with this being a time when they will be put on medication. If so, they might find that they are able to function again, but they might not feel alive. Alternatively, they might gradually return to how they were before and be able to function again. If the latter takes place, it might not be long until they experience something else that has a big impact on them. The Same Old Story Assuming that they experience another breakup, this can be a time when they feel even worse than they did before. It can be as though they are under something that is very heavy and are unable to do a great deal. This can be a time when they will wonder if they will be able to make it through to the other side. But, as they will have been in this position before, it is to be expected that this thought would enter their mind. Looking Back There is a chance that there is more to it, though, as they may see that they have been in this position on more than two occasions. They might see that regardless of whether it relates to a breakup or another kind of loss, they are absolutely floored each time. And, as they have had this experience on so many occasions, it is not a surprise that they have been worn down. It will be as if they have had one battle after another, and each time they have lost. One Conclusion When they think about what they have been through and how they feel after, two things can enter their mind. First, they can believe that they are being punished, and second, they can believe that they are emotionally weak. Nonetheless, what if the reason they are experiencing life in this way is not that they are being punished or are emotionally weak, and it is because of what they need to resolve from their developmental years? Still, this is not to say that breakups or losses can be avoided; what it comes down to is that if they are carrying pain from this stage of their life, what they experience as an adult will have a greater impact on them. An Analogy This is similar to how it would be if they were to spend all morning lifting heavy things and then start lifting heavy things in the evening. They are likely to feel weaker and have less energy, which would make it harder for them to lift things. In this case, they would realise why it is harder for them to lift things, but when it comes to it being harder for them to handle adult losses, thanks to what they went through as a child or younger, this won’t be something that stands out. The main reason it won’t stand out is that, due to repression, their conscious mind will have forgotten about most, if not all, of what took place. Way Back Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. One or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Being ignored, rejected and abandoned might have been normal. Assuming that this was the case, this would have been a time when they not only felt helpless and hopeless, but they were helpless and hopeless. A brutal Time To handle what happened and keep it together and function, their brain would have repressed the pain they were in and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been a disembodied, disconnected, physiologically collapsed and not fully feeling false self. In other words, their brain would have forced them to lose touch with their inner world and their outer world in order to ensure that they were not overwhelmed by arousal and were able to survive. Another Part Along with this, they would have lived in the hope that, if they kept struggling, their needs would be met. But as their parent or parents were probably unable to love them, it wouldn’t have mattered how they adapted or what they did. Still, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped them to hold it together, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but they will still be in a disconnected state, and a big part of them will still be trying to meet their unmet developmental needs. The Moment Has Passed This part will cause them to unconsciously re-experience what it was like and how they felt as a child and younger, in the hope that this time it will be different. As this part of them has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t know that, as this stage of their life is over and another person is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on. Another way of looking at this would be to say that this part of them will cause them to have these experiences so that they can face, process and integrate the parts of their consciousness that are split off. If this didn’t take place, they would forever be in a disintegrated state. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to become more whole, they will have pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Someone Expect Good Things To End If They Had An Emotionally Unstable Parent?3/1/2026
Right now, someone could be in a relationship that is going well and/or their career could be going in the right direction. However, they can often feel anxious and as though something bad is going to happen.
If they were to reflect on what is going on, they could believe that there is no reason for them to be this way. Therefore, what is going on for them internally is going to be irrational and have no basis in reality. One Outlook Now, it could be said that something ‘bad’ could happen, but that doesn’t mean that they should spend a lot of time on edge. Instead, they can simply embrace what is going on and then, if something happens that changes what is going on, they can deal with it there and then. And, if they were to share what is going on for them with a friend, they could be told something similar. A friend could say that there is no need for them to be this way and that they just need to learn how to be present and relax. Looking Back If they were to look back on their life, they may see that they haven’t been this way before. Then again, they might see that this is not new, as they have been this way for a long time. What might be new is that before now, they were not aware of how anxious they became when one or a number of areas of their life were going well. Additionally, they might see that they have often done things to undermine something in their life that was going well before anything bad happened. A Relief Still, this is not to say that they consciously chose to sabotage an area of their life, as this is likely to have happened unconsciously. For example, perhaps they ended up forgetting their partner’s birthday or cheated, or they might have kept turning up late for work or not prepared for a presentation, for instance. Whatever happened, they would have ended up saying or doing something that had a negative impact on their relationship or career. Nonetheless, after this took place, they may have found that they were finally able to relax, if only for a short while. It Makes Sense But as they would have been waiting for something bad to happen and were unable to settle as a result, it makes sense that they would experience a sense of relief after. That’s not to say that they were happy about what happened, though. And, due to how focused they were on what happened, they might not have even realised that they felt more relaxed. Or if they did, they might have wondered why they felt more settled. What’s going on? After becoming aware of all this, they can wonder why they can’t just feel settled when things are going well and feel comfortable with good things. What might enter their mind is that there is something inherently wrong with them. Nevertheless, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually understand why they are this way. This is because this may have been a time when one or both of their parents would often erupt, making it difficult for them to relax and feel good. Back In Time Assuming that it was one parent who was like this, from a very young age, this parent might have often been unhappy, shouted at them and even harmed them for no apparent reason. At other moments, they might have been very happy, calm and loving. Therefore, as opposed to growing up in an environment where they felt safe, were supported, could relax and freely express themselves, they felt unsafe, unsupported, couldn’t relax and had to be attuned to and adapt to their parents' moods. So, the connection that they had to their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self would have been severed, and replaced by a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. It’s over Of course, this stage of their life will be over, but a big part of them won’t realise this. To this part of them, they will still live in an environment that isn’t safe, and in order for them to protect themselves, they need to be on alert. Just like then, this part of them will have the sense that, if they settle into their body, relax and feel good, and freely express themselves, they will be annihilated. Furthermore, this part of them will also cause them to unconsciously re-create what it was like for them during this stage of their life in the hope of finally receiving the love that they missed out on. Unlike their conscious mind, this deeper, emotional part of them has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that, as this stage of their over is over and another person is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to receive this love. This hope would then have played a key part in what allowed them to keep it together and function, but now it won’t be serving them. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to be able to be in their body, allow themselves to relax and feel good, and freely express themselves, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If they can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In general, someone could spend a lot of time talking about how all men or women are a certain way. This might only take place when they are around friends and family, or it could go further.
If it does go further than this, it can mean that they will share their views publicly. In this case, they can have a large following online, with them sharing videos, articles, and even books. The Problem But, with that aside, the view that they have of men or women can be very negative. As far as they are concerned, all of the problems of the world can be due to men or women. Thanks to this, in their eyes, if there were no men or women on the planet, the world would be a better place. Based on what they believe, it will be as though men or women are inherently better than men or women. Another Element When it comes to why they are so certain that all men and women are the same, the men or women that they have been with are likely to play a big part. So, over the years, just about every man or woman they have been with might have behaved in the same way. For example, these might have been men or women who were emotionally unavailable and even abusive. Along with this, most of their friends and perhaps family members might have been with men or women who were the same. It’s Clear Their experiences, plus what others have said to them both in the real world and online, will then prove that how they see me or women is the truth. As a result, if they were told that their views don’t reflect reality and are extreme, they might dismiss what they hear. They could say that they just understand the true nature of men or women, and are, unlike them, no longer being deceived. After this, someone could wonder how they could not only believe that all men or women are the same, but also have such a negative view of the opposite sex. A Closer Look However, although it may seem as though they came to this conclusion after thinking deeply about this area of their life, there might be more to it. There is a chance that it is largely a defence against pain. If this is so, it won’t be something that they have consciously chosen; it will be a consequence of a process that was largely unconscious. Thus, by believing that men or women are the same, it will stop them from having to come into contact with parts of themselves that are painful and are too much for them to handle. The Catalyst The view that they have is then not just going to be something that exists in their mind; it will be part of a defensive structure that is playing a key part in them being able to keep it together and function. When it comes to what caused them to create this defensive structure, it might have been in a dysfunctional relationship and the breakup that followed. Conversely, this might have taken place after they had been in a number of dysfunctional relationships and had experienced a number of breakups. Either way, they would have experienced a lot of pain, but instead of facing and processing how they felt, they ended up disconnecting from it and focusing on what was going on externally. Another Reason Then again, they might not have needed to create this defensive structure after they had these experiences because it might have already been in place. Thanks to this, they might have felt angry and enraged after, but not sad, and soon blamed the other person for what they went through. They would then have been the good one, and the man or woman they were with would have been the bad one. This can show that they typically don’t reflect on their behaviour and are not curious about why this area of their life is the way that it is. A Deeper Look If this defensive structure was already in place, it can be due to what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them. This may have been a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. From a very young age, they might have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being ignored, rejected and abandoned would then have been normal. One Option To handle not having certain needs consistently met and the pain that this caused them, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. Automatically adapting in this way would then have allowed them to keep it together and function, but it would have caused them to lose touch with a big part of themselves. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but this defensive structure will still be doing what it can to protect them. The Downside Yet, while it will help to stop their conscious mind from being flooded by inner material that is being held in their unconscious mind, it will also stop them from being able to have access to all of themselves and being able to explore how they are playing a in the experiences that they have with men or women. Without realising it, deep down, their priority won’t be to be fully connected to themselves and have a fulfilling relationship with a man or woman; it will be to ensure that they don’t come into contact with how they feel. Furthermore, they can also be unconsciously trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child. At this level, they have no sense of time and are blind, which is why they won’t be able to see that, as this stage of their life is over and another man or woman is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on. Moving Forward For them to gradually let go of their defensive false self, get back into their body and reconnect to all of their emotional self, and no longer look for the love that they missed out on by unconsciously re-creating depriving situations, there will be a number of steps for them to take. There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Over the years, someone may have been with a number of people who were out of reach, emotionally. As a result, they would have been able to connect to them mentally and physically, but that would have been about it.
When they think about what it was like when they were last in a relationship, what could enter their mind is that it was as if, in general, the other person was physically there, but emotionally somewhere else. They may have even had moments when they wondered if the other person had an emotional self, due to how distant they were. An Emotional Desert Thus, when they were with them, they would have typically felt unseen and unheard. So, instead of it being a relationship that had a positive impact on them overall, it would have largely had a negative impact on them. Once their time together came to an end, either by them or the other person ending it, it may have taken them a little while for them to find their feet again. They might have felt frustrated, angry, confused and sad. The Same Old Story What is likely to have made this experience harder for them to handle is that this won’t have been the first time that they had been in this position. They might then have thought about what they had been through last time and the time before that. Now, if this has been what most, if not all, of their relationships have been like, it is to be expected that they would be well and truly fed up. Ultimately, they will not only want to experience a deeper connection with a man or a woman, but they will want it to last. It Doesn’t Make Sense As this hasn’t taken place, they might believe that they are just unlucky, or that men or women are just emotionally out of reach. What can play a part in this is what they have done to change their appearance and what their friends have said. For example, they might have spent a lot of time exercising, and their friends might have often told them that they look good and are a catch, or words to that effect. But, no matter what they have done or what their friends believe, this area of their life won’t have really changed. A Natural outcome If they were to think about how they feel about this area of their life, they could find that they feel helpless and hopeless. And, if they could forget about this area of their life and purely focus on other areas, they might be happy to do so. But as their need to experience intimacy can be ignored, but not removed, they will only be able to forget about this need for a short period of time, before it enters their conscious awareness once more. With this in mind, it will be vital for them to find a way forward. Stepping Back Yet, as it will seem as though they have no control over this area of their life, they are unlikely to believe that there is a way forward. Then again, if they do believe that there is a way forward, their luck will need to change, or men or women will need to change. However, what if the reason they continually end up with people who are not emotionally available is that a big part of their emotional self has gone into hiding? After hearing this, they could be confused and say that they are ready to have a relationship. A Closer Look Yet, while this is what they can say, and they can see themselves as being emotionally available, there is a chance that they don’t have access to a large part of their emotional self. If this is the case, the distance that they experience with another will mirror the distance that they have with part of themselves. When it comes to why they wouldn’t have access to a big part of their emotional self, it can be a consequence of what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them. From a very young age, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. One option If so, not receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle the pain that they experienced by not having certain needs consistently met, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. But, as the years passed, their conscious mind would have forgotten about what happened and experiencing life in this way would have been normal. Moving Forward There would then have been no reason for them to see that what is going on externally was showing them that parts of their own consciousness have been split off and they are not fully connected to all of themselves. For this to change, they will need to gradually reconnect to, face and integrate the parts of themselves that had to go into hiding very early on in order for them to survive. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Man Reject His Desire For A Woman If He Experienced Early Deprivation?29/12/2025
If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may find is that he rarely experiences desire when he is around women. This can be a time when he doesn’t really feel anything.
He can see that it is not that he rarely sees women who he is attracted to, but that he doesn’t respond strongly when he does. However, after he has been around a woman or women who he finds attractive, he can feel extremely frustrated and needy. A Strong Reaction To help him manage how he is feeling, he can end up eating or drinking something, or he could masturbate. After a while, he could settle down again and be able to carry on as normal. Assuming that this does take place, he can wonder why he is seldom aware of how he feels when he is around an attractive woman or women. What might enter his mind is that there must be something inherently wrong with him. Looking Back But if he were to look back on his life and what has happened when he has not only experienced but acted on his desire, it might help him to understand why he is this way. So, he may see that when he has expressed his interest to a woman, in most cases, he was knocked back. When this took place, he may see that he felt very low and found it hard to function for a little while after. It wasn’t something that he was able to move on from shortly after; it knocked him down for a very long time. A Release Due to how much pain he experiences when he is knocked back by a woman, it is not going to be a surprise that he has the inclination to ignore his desire for a woman. This is likely to be something that takes place automatically, as opposed to how he chooses to be. And, not only can he masturbate when he is knocked back, but he can spend a lot of time masturbating to porn. This is likely to be a way for him to experience his desire for a woman and meet it in his imagination, without having to experience the pain of being knocked back. A Strange Scenario Now, this won’t be the same, but it will allow him to release tension. At this point, he can wonder why he is unable to just embrace his desire for a woman and handle being knocked back, without falling down. Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might slowly understand why he is this way. The reason for this is that this may have been a time when he was often neglected. Back In Time Practically from the moment that he was born, he might have often been abandoned, which would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. He would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. This is because his mother and perhaps his father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Due to this, he would have experienced and expressed his desire by reaching out, crying and/or screaming, but he would have seldom been responded to. One option As a result, it would have been very painful for him to be aware of, let alone express his desire. To handle growing up in an unresponsive environment, he would have had to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. Over time, a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self would have been developed. He would then have started off feeling fully alive and full of need, and ended up losing touch with his aliveness and a number of his needs. A Key Point If he hadn’t adapted in this way, he probably wouldn’t have made it past this stage of his life. Furthermore, although what happened at this stage of his life had nothing to do with his adult desire for a woman, as it laid the foundations for the relationship that he would have with his own needs and what he expects to happen when he expresses his needs, it doesn’t matter. So, when he experiences desire as an adult and is unable to receive what he desires, he will re-experience what it was like for him very early on. Another part of this is that a big part of him will still be living in the hope that he will receive what he missed out on as a child. It’s Futile This part of him has no sense of time and is blind, so it won’t be able to see that, as this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. During this stage of his life, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped him to keep it together and function, and release tension. Taking all this into account, for him to be able to reconnect to, experience, express, and handle not being able to fulfil his desire, and for him to no longer look for the love that he missed out on early on, he will have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have A Fear Of Falling Apart If They Experienced Early Deprivation?27/12/2025
If someone were to reflect on their life, what they might see is that they have the inclination to isolate themselves. They are then going to spend a lot of time by themselves and very little time around others.
As a result, they can spend a lot of time feeling disconnected, lonely, down and empty. But as they will be deprived of the human contact that they need, this is to be expected. Missing out If they were completely independent, it wouldn’t matter how much time they spent by themselves. However, as they are an interdependent human being, they will need others to be able to survive and thrive. What might soon enter their mind is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. They could then conclude that there must be something inherently wrong with them and feel ashamed. Another Part Along with this, when they are around others, they can typically hide who they are and play a role. So, they could have the inclination to focus on others and behave as they think they want them to behave. Assuming that this is the case, even when they are around others, they are likely to feel disconnected and lonely. Thus, being around others, while hiding themselves, will be better than nothing, but it won’t be the same as it would be if they were to freely express themselves and fully show up. A Different Reality Now, if they were to imagine that they live a life where they don’t spend as much time by themselves and freely express themselves, they can feel alive, free and relieved. Nonetheless, after a while, they could feel anxious and fearful, and have the need to go back to how they were before. It can be as though something bad will happen if they don’t, and it will be too much for them to handle. By behaving in the same way then, they will be able to keep it together and function. In The Past If they were to look back on their life, they may see that they have had certain experiences that have caused them to feel overwhelmed. For example, they might have had a breakup, lost a loved one, been attacked, and/or been in an abusive relationship. Irrespective of what they have been through that was too much for them to handle, shortly after, they might have become even more withdrawn and found it even harder to show up around others. At this point, they might see themselves as weak and as though they are incapable. A Closer Look Yet, during these moments, they will have simply done their best to ensure that they were not taken out by what happened and were able to survive. They would then have done the right thing by behaving in this way. The big question is: why did these experiences have such a big impact on them, and why didn’t they reach out for support? The answer to both of these questions may be found by taking a closer look at their early years. Back In Time This may have been a stage of their life when they were regularly traumatised. Their mother and perhaps their mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Instead of receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed, they would have often been ignored, rejected, abandoned and smothered. Consequently, feeling as if they were going to die would have been a normal part of this stage of their life. One Option To make sure that they were not overwhelmed by what happened and their life didn’t come to an end, their brain would have repressed the pain that they were in and the needs that were not being met. This would have involved them losing touch with their disembodied, connected and fully feeling true self. In other words, to ensure that they survived, their system would have stopped them from having access to all of their consciousness and caused them to live on the surface of themselves. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to see their needs and feelings as bad, and seen themselves as worthless and unlovable. It’s over Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but as they will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the needs that were not met, it won’t be possible for them to inhabit their body and access all of their consciousness. It also won’t take a lot for them to feel overwhelmed, either, as their system will already be struggling to contain the pain that they are carrying and doing what it can to prevent it from entering their conscious awareness. But thanks to how they came to see their needs and feelings, when they do feel overwhelmed, it will be normal for them to pull away from others. Not being around others will also minimise the stimulation that they experience. Moving Forward With this in mind, they are not weak or incapable; they are simply doing their best to not fall apart. For them to be able to gradually get back into their body, access all of their consciousness, freely express themselves, feel comfortable with their needs and feelings, and embrace their inherent worth and lovability, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|