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If someone had a less than nurturing childhood, they might not be in a good way now that they are an adult. For example, they could often experience anxiety and fear and feel low.
As a result of this, it can be hard for them to function. Due to this, they are likely to want to find a way to change their life, so that they can embrace the life that they have been given. One option What they can end up concluding is that they need to ‘rewire their brain’ in order to experience life differently. This can be because they have spoken to a friend, seen an ad on social media or conducted a search online, for instance. They can learn that, as their brain is ‘plastic’ and not fixed, it can adapt by forming new neural connections. This is why they will be able to change how they think, feel and behave and no longer experience life in the same way. The Next Step After coming to this conclusion, they can end up looking for someone to work with, or they can look for a technique that will help them. If they work with someone, this can be a time when they use words, visualisation and touch to change their inner experience. Over time, old neural pathways are no longer going to operate, and these will be replaced by new neural pathways. Furthermore, the associations that they had when it comes to old triggers will have also start to change. A Big Relief Thanks to all this, they can begin to settle and no longer feel as low. They are then going to have a greater sense of control, and their wellbeing will improve, allowing them to embrace life. To arrive at this point could take a number of months, if not longer, but if they have suffered for most of their life, this is unlikely to bother them. Additionally, they will have been able to make progress without getting caught up in how they feel or by becoming even more overwhelmed. The Next Stage Alternatively, if they had normal therapy, where they simply talked about what was going on for them and what they went through as a child, they could feel even worse. Based on this, it could be said that therapy is a thing of the past and ‘rewiring the brain’ is the best option. However, even though they will now be able to function and live life again, it doesn’t mean that they will have truly moved on. What this comes down to is that, as their early years were not very nurturing, a number of their needs wouldn’t have been met. A Closer Look This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Therefore, ‘rewiring their brain’ will settle them down, but it won’t remove the pain that they experienced or the needs that were not met. Instead, this pain and these needs will stay inside their brain and body. This pain can end up undermining their physical health, and these needs are likely to continue to unconsciously drive them. Going Deeper In other words, this approach will stop their conscious mind from being flooded with input and allow them to function better, but it won’t deal with what is being held in their unconscious mind. At this level, their strongest need is likely to be to receive the love that they missed out on. Consequently, they can unconsciously create situations where they will be deprived, in the hope of finally receiving this love. The reason for this is that this deeper part of them is trying to resolve this stage of their life, but it has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that another person is not their mother or father and that this stage of their life is over. Two Parts Considering this, ‘rewiring their brain’ will have settled them down, but they will continually be pulled to situations that unsettle them. Nonetheless, without this understanding, what they experience can just be put down to them being ‘unlucky’ or ‘unfortunate’, for instance. In reality, what they experience will be a reflection of what is going on for them at a deeper level and needs to be faced and integrated. This is not something that will take place overnight, though. The Big Difference Reconnecting to their body, crying out pain and experiencing their unmet developmental needs can be a process that takes a number of years, or longer. Nonetheless, this is a process that will allow them to be a connected and embodied human being who is in touch with their true self, as opposed to staying disconnected and living on the surface of themselves and being caught up in their false self. Taking all this into account, it could be said that while ‘rewiring their brain’ will be important, it is not a replacement for deeper work. To use analogy, ‘rewiring their brain’ will be similar to putting the fire out on a house that is burning, while the deeper work will be similar to gradually rebuilding it, and a house clearly can’t be rebuilt if it is on fire. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Even though a man is in a position where he is overlooking a number of his own needs, due to how focused he is on his mother, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. But if someone pointed out that he does far more for her than he needs to, it doesn’t mean that it would go in.
Instead, he could say he is doing what any loving son would do, or words to that effect. Along with this, he might even accuse them of having something against his mother. The Evidence Is There However, if he is unable to face reality, there are likely to be a number of signs that show that he is out of balance. For example, he can often feel down and drained, and his life is unlikely to be very fulfilling. But, as he will be overlooking a number of his needs, this is not going to be much of a surprise. Ultimately, he will be acting as if he is nothing more than an extension of his mother, not a separate human being who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead. The other Side Furthermore, his mother could simply expect him to be there for her and do things for her. Thus, it will be as if he is in a closed system, as neither he nor his mother will realise that this isn’t right and that something needs to change. As things stand, then, there will be no reason for him to change his behaviour, and this will mean that his life will continue to be overlooked. If he does start to see clearly, it can be because he ends up dating a woman. One Scenario Assuming that this takes place, the woman can soon see that he is too caught up with his mother and needs to implement boundaries. She can see that although he is her son, he is acting more like her parent. Yet, after she expresses her thoughts to him, he can become defensive and he can criticise her. Alternatively, he can listen to what she has to say and agree with what she is saying. Inner conflict Even so, he can find that he still has the need to be there for her and is unable to assert himself. The mere thought of doing so can cause him to feel anxious, guilty and as if he would be betraying her. The new understanding that he has is not going to have much of an impact on how he behaves. At this point, he can believe that he is powerless and that his mother is in control of how he behaves. Another Approach If he were to speak to his mother about what is going on for him and how he hasn’t got the energy or desire to behave in this way anymore, she might be listen to what he has to say and be very understanding. She could say that she expects too much from him and that he has to live his own life. Alternatively, she might not listen to what he has to say and soon change the subject. Or, she could listen but say that she did a lot for him when he was younger and that he should be there for her, or words to that effect. A Brick wall If he isn’t able to get through to her, he can go away feeling guilty and ashamed. He will then want to live his own life and will have expressed this to her, but it will be as if he is in the wrong. It might not be long until he tries to get through to her again, though, only for the same thing to take place. What might enter his mind is that he is simply wasting his time and that his mother doesn’t care about his needs or how he feels. The Same Old Story He is then going to be her son, but she won’t treat him like it or acknowledge that he is a separate human being who has his own needs and feelings and life to lead. Instead, she will treat him like an object that simply exists to meet her needs. But, as strange as this will be, there is a strong chance that this is how she has more or less always treated him. How he is behaving as an adult is how he had to behave as a child. Back In Time From a very young age, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed. The reason for this is that his mother is likely to have been developmentally stunted and unable to provide him with the love that he needed. Due to this, she would have forced him to adapt to her and meet a number of her needs. At first, when he resisted, she would probably have expressed disapproval and even punished him, which would have caused him to slowly lose touch with his connected true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self. A Brutal Time This would have involved him losing touch with how he felt and a number of his needs. He would have also been conditioned to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was responsible for her. Many years will have passed, and he will no longer be a powerless and dependent child, but as he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded, his survival will still be attached to her, and this conditioning will still be in place. For his life to gradually change, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although a man is a separate human being, who has his own needs, feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that he will act like one. Instead, it can be as though he is merely an extension of his mother.
Therefore, he will meet his basic needs, or he might typically meet them, but that will be about it. Taking this into account, his mother is going to receive a lot of his time, attention and energy. The priority If he is not at work, he can be doing things for his mother. But, even if he is at work, he can often think about how she is doing and what it is that he needs to do for her once he is finished. Thanks for how little he does for himself and how much he does for her; he can spend a lot of time feeling drained. Yet, as a number of his needs will generally be overlooked, this is to be expected. How He Behaves When he is around her, he can come across as attentive, easy-going and very responsive. As a result, his mother might not always even need to ask him to do something, as he could often know exactly what it is that she wants. Thus, he will be her son, but he will be more like a highly attuned parent, and his mother will be more like his child. And, after he has done something for her, she might express her gratitude, or she might not say anything. No Resistance In general, it might not matter what she asks him to do, either, as he could just go along with it. Along with this, if he has other plans, he could typically put them to one side and be there for his mother. If he does say that he is busy, though, his mother could soon criticise him and make out that he has to be there for her. After this has taken place, he could feel guilty and soon put his plans to one side and be there for her. Stepping Back Now, if he were to arrive at the stage where he can see that he is neglecting himself and has a compulsive need to be there for his mother, he can wonder why he is this way. What can enter his mind is that while he is her son, he is acting more like her father. He is then an attentive and selfless parent, while she is a needy child who is unable to handle life. Furthermore, he can see that when he is around her, he ends up getting sucked into her reality, loses touch with his own needs and feelings, and plays a role. A Strange Situation He is then going to lose himself around her, and it will be as if he ends up becoming possessed. His self will be cast aside, and what will arise inside him is a self that serves his mother. Yet, even when he is not around her, his self is still going to be undermined by this other self that serves his mother. At this point, he can conclude that his mother is in control of him and that there is very little that he can do. A Natural Conclusion However, as he will feel controlled by her not just when he is around her but when he isn’t, why wouldn’t he come to this conclusion? Yet, the truth is that his mother is not in control of him, and he is not powerless. The reason that he is experiencing life in this way is likely to be because of what his early years were like and the impact they had on him. This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Back In Time Practically from the moment he was born, he might have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed. Or, this might have taken place after a number of years had passed. Either way, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being who had a strong sense of self. His mother is likely to have looked to him to be there for her. No Other Choice In the beginning, when he did express himself, he was likely to have been disapproved of and punished in some way. Over time, this would have caused him to lose touch with his connected true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self. The pain that he experienced and the needs that his mother wouldn’t meet would have ended up being repressed by his brain. This would have allowed him to handle what took place and keep it together and function. The other Side In all likelihood, his mother was developmentally stunted and hadn’t grown beyond the toddler stage of her development. Consequently, she would have unconsciously looked toward her son to be the attentive and caring parent that she never had. She was then incredibly needy and self-absorbed, and her powerless and dependent son had no choice but to adapt to her. Apart from his basic needs, his other needs would have been secondary to her needs. Moving Forward He wouldn’t have had the sense that he was separate from his mother when he was born, and as he didn’t receive what he needed, he wouldn’t have developed this sense. Underneath the outer-directed false self that he had to form will be his true self, and this is where he will carry the pain and the unmet developmental needs that his brain repressed. With this in mind, for him to gradually change his life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a woman were to step back and reflect on her life, she may find that she spends a lot of time being there for her father and offering her support. She might see that she has been there for him for as long as she can remember.
However, what might now stand out is that although she loves her father and wants to support him, she hasn’t got the desire or the energy to be there for him in the same way. She can see that due to how focused she is on his needs and wellbeing, it is having a negative impact on her own life. External Feedback After thinking about this, she could end up talking to a friend about what is going on for her. Her friend could be very understanding and say that it makes sense that she wouldn’t want to be as caught up in her father’s world. They could say that, ultimately, she has her own life to lead, and she is not responsible for her father. After hearing this or something similar to it, she could feel supported and understood. Another Outcome Alternatively, she could talk to a friend about what is going on for her, but they might not be very understanding or supportive. They could say that, as he is her father, it is only right that she is there for him. Along with this, they could say that he won’t live forever and that she will regret not being there for him when he is no longer around. After this, she could feel invalidated and be full of guilt and shame. One Position Naturally, if the former takes place, she is going to feel better than if the latter takes place. If the former takes place, it can show that her friend has been in her position and has been able to draw the line with her parent. On the other hand, if the latter takes place, it can show that her friend is in the same position and is unable to accept that they are out of balance. But, what is clear, regardless of what her friend has said or even if she has spoken to a friend about this, is that she wants to live a life where she is not burdened by her father’s needs. The Truth As even though she feels as though it is her responsibility to be there for him when he needs her, this is not the case. If she weren't an autonomous human being who had her own needs and feelings, and life to lead, it would be different. Nonetheless, if she were to think about talking to her father about this, she could end up feeling very uncomfortable. She could soon feel anxious and as though she is doing something wrong. The Next Stage Even so, she could end up speaking to her father about how she feels weighed down by his needs and no longer has the energy to be there for him in the same way. After expressing this, he could be understanding and say that he can see that he expects a lot from her. He could then be sorry and say that this is not right and that he needs to accept that she has her own life to lead. After this, she could feel relieved and grateful that her father is able to put himself in her shoes. Another Scenario Conversely, after feeling uncomfortable about speaking to him about this, she could end up speaking to him. But, as soon as she sees him, she could end up talking about something else. Or, after she has opened up, he could soon change the subject or dismiss what she says. Either way, it won’t be possible for her to be seen and heard by him and for him to put himself in her shoes. What’s going on? After this, she can go back to being there for him and overlooking a number of her own needs. Assuming that she felt uncomfortable before she spoke to her father, couldn’t get through to him and has now gone back to how she was before, she can wonder why she is behaving in this way. Yet, as confusing as this is, it is likely to be a reflection of what her early years were like. This is likely to have been a stage of her life when she was conditioned to be there for him and abandon herself. Back In Time From a very young age, her father is likely to have looked to her to meet a number of his needs. This is likely to show that, deep down, he was unable to see her as a separate human being who had her own needs and feelings and saw her as a parental figure. It was then not up to him to be there for her; it was up to her to be there for him. In the beginning, when she did express herself, she was likely to have been disapproved of and even punished in some way. The Outcome As a result of this, she would have had to lose touch with a number of her needs and feelings. This would have involved her losing touch with her connected true self and forming a disconnected and outer-directed false self. Furthermore, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad. In reality, her father was probably in a developmentally stunted state and was unable to provide her with what she needed, in addition to not being emotionally close to her mother, which means that her needs and feelings were not and are not bad. Moving Forward With this in mind, for her to be able to freely express herself and draw the line with her father, she is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a woman is in a relationship, it might not be long before it comes to an end. Now, this might not be because she is with a man who is not right for her or is treating her badly; no, it can be because of what her father thinks of the man that she is with.
So, when she is with her father, he could often talk about how he doesn’t think that the man she is with is right for her. Or, if he doesn’t say that, he could say something that means the same thing. Another part Additionally, when he has spent time around her boyfriend, he might not come across as very friendly. For example, he could come across as distant, critical and as though he doesn’t like him. Due to this, she might have decided that it is best that her father doesn’t spend time around her when she is with her boyfriend. However, this can cause her to experience conflict, as she is also likely to want her father to approve of and get on with him. The Next Stage After this has been going on for a few weeks or months, she could feel compelled to end the relationship. Her boyfriend could be totally confused about what is going on and ask her why this is. She could say that it isn’t working or something similar, but not fully go into why she has ended it. After she has ended it, she could find that she feels more settled and that her father becomes warmer. The Other Side Her father might also say that she did the right thing and that she deserves better. However, it might not be long until she is filled with grief and deeply regrets what she has done. What can enter her mind is that he was right for her and that she has made a big mistake. It might not be long until she realises that she ended the relationship to please her father, not for any other reason. A Pattern After this has become clear, she could look back on her life and see that this is not the first time that she has behaved in this way. She might see that this has taken place on at least one other occasion. If so, what might enter her mind is that there must be something wrong with her. She can then blame herself for ending the relationships that she has had and end up feeling very low. Stepping Back Nonetheless, if this is how she responds, what she will need to keep in mind is that she is unlikely to be consciously choosing to behave in this way. Instead, she is likely to be reacting to her early programming. It is then far more than her just trying to please her father and gain his approval. At a deeper level, she is likely to believe that if she doesn’t please him, she will be rejected and abandoned. What’s going on? Her father’s inability to accept that she is an autonomous human being who has her own needs and feelings, and his need to control her, is likely to be a reflection of how he treated her as a child. Throughout his stage of her life, he is likely to have seen her as an extension of himself. It was then not his responsibility to be there for her and meet her needs; it was her responsibility to be there for him and meet his needs. From a very young age, then, a role reversal occurred. One Option If she resisted what took place, as, deep down, she would have known that this wasn’t right, she is likely to have been disapproved of and even punished. She would then have been rejected and she might have been left. To stop this from taking place and to try to be loved, she would have lost touch with a number of her needs and feelings. The outcome of this is that she would have lost touch with her connected true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. It was Futile But, as her father is likely to have been developmentally stunted and unable to provide her with what she needed to grow and develop in the right way, it wouldn’t have mattered how she adapted or what she did. Yet, by living in the hope that he would change, it would have played a part in stopping her from having to face how she felt and reality. Her father probably wasn’t emotionally close to her mother, or they might have split up. Either way, as he wasn’t able to be there for her and used her, she wouldn’t have been able to develop a separate sense of self and will have stayed emotionally entangled with him. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, how she is behaving as an adult is a natural consequence of how deprived she was as a child. For her to change her life, she is going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It might not matter if a woman is at work, has finished work or is on holiday, as her father might often contact her. Now, if he does ask her how she is doing, he could soon talk about his own problems.
Then again, he might rarely ask her how she is doing and could typically talk about his own problems. And, when she spends time with him, she could largely focus on him, and what is going on for her could be overlooked. Out of Balance If this is the case, she is going to be more like her father’s parent than his daughter, and this is naturally going to take a lot out of her. But, due to how normal this is, she might not be consciously aware of what is going on. As a result of this, she will be giving a lot while receiving very little in return and could spend a lot of time feeling drained and even exhausted. Still, if she is aware of how washed out she often feels, she could believe that it is a consequence of something else. For Example So, she could believe that it’s because she has a lot going on at work or that she just doesn’t sleep very well. Conversely, she could believe that she just suffers from depression and was, thus, born this way. Thanks to this, there is going to be no reason for her to change her behaviour, and her life will continue to go in the same direction. Sooner or later, though, something might happen that changes her outlook. One Scenario She could end up dating a guy, and he could tell her that she is too close to her father. When they are together, she could often be messaging and speaking to her father on the phone, and this will cause her to be out of reach and emotionally unavailable. But, even though it will be clear to the man that she is too caught up with her father, she could end up denying what he says. For example, she could accuse him of having something against her father and as being jealous of how close they are. One Outcome Therefore, the man she is dating will be the one who has issues, and it might not be long until they break up. If she were to talk to a friend about what has happened, they could tell her that she did the right thing. This friend could say that the guy she was with was needy and was trying to separate her from her father. After this, she could go back to how her life was and not reflect on what had just happened. Another Scenario Alternatively, she could end up taking a step back and reflecting on what she has been through. What she might also find is that this is not the first time that she has been with a man who was like this. Part of her can then wonder if what these men have said was accurate, and that she is too close to her father. Before long, she could think about how she often feels burdened by her father’s needs and as though he doesn’t care about her needs or wellbeing. An Exercise At this point, she can think about how she doesn’t want her father to lean on her as much emotionally and to understand that she is not responsible for him. She is then going to want him to understand that she is not an extension of him, as she has her own needs, feelings and life to lead. If she were to imagine speaking to him about this, she could end up feeling anxious and fearful and guilty and ashamed. Based on how she responds, it will be as if her survival is under threat and she is doing something wrong. Confusion It can seem strange why she would have this experience, especially as she is not his possession and has the right to live her own life. But, as confusing as it will be, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might start to make sense. During this stage of her life, her father is likely to have looked to her to meet needs that another adult should have met. Instead of looking for validation, support and understanding from another adult, he would have looked to her. No Choice This would have meant that she had to lose touch with her own needs and feelings and be there for her father. She would then have lost touch with her connected true self and had to develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self. If she had expressed her needs, her father might have shown disapproval and even punished her in some way. She would have been sent the message that her needs and feelings were bad and that she was responsible for her father’s needs. The Reason She is also likely to have hoped that if she were there for him and did what he wanted, he would be there for her. But, as he is likely to have been caught up in his own needs and unable to provide her with the love that she needed, it probably wouldn’t have mattered who she became or what she did. This can show that her mother and father were not close, or perhaps they had broken up. Either way, he wouldn’t have been able to accept that she was a separate human being and was not there to meet his needs. Moving Forward For her to gradually change her life, she is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man is in a position where he acts like an extension of his mother, it is going to be normal for him to neglect himself. So, to say that he will live a life that is not very fulfilling will be an understatement.
Naturally, for this to change, he will need to be less focused on his mother's needs and more focused on his own. Additionally, he will need to start meeting the needs that he has been ignoring. A Big Hurdle However, although this is what will need to take place, a man in this position might not be aware of what is going on. If this is the case, he will be living a miserable life, but he won’t realise why this is. Therefore, as bleak as his life will be, it will continue to go in the same direction. As a result of what is going on for him, the sooner he becomes aware of what is going on, the better. Resistance If he were to gradually become aware of what is going on, it doesn’t mean that he would do something about it. What he could soon find is that even though living in this way is soul-destroying, he has the need to behave in the same way. He could find that when he thinks about changing his behaviour, he experiences guilt and fear and anxiety. He would then be doing what is right for him, but it will be as if he is doing something wrong, and his survival is under threat. Stepping Back Now, if he were to think about how he sees himself, what he may find is that he has an idea of himself that is not serving him. So, for example, he could find that he sees himself as someone who is incapable and an extension of his mother. Along with this, he can find that he believes that he is responsible for his mother and is here to meet her needs. Assuming that this is so, it is not going to be a surprise that he is focused on his mother and is ignoring himself. It’s False But how he sees himself and what he believes his purpose is, is not the truth. In reality, it is likely to be a reflection of what his years were like, with this being a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. What this means is that if this stage of his life had been different, he would have a different view of himself and a different purpose. Still, thanks to how long he has had this self-image and purpose, it can seem as though it is the truth. Back In Time When it comes to his early years, practically from the moment that he was born, he may have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Instead of being able to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being who had a strong sense of self, then, he would have stayed in an emotionally dependent state and not developed a strong sense of himself. His mother is likely to have been developmentally stunted and, therefore, unable to provide him with the love that he needed. She would then have unknowingly looked toward him to be there for her and provide her with what she missed out on during her formative years. No Choice As he was powerless and dependent, he would have had to adapt to her and sacrifice himself in the process. If he ever freely expressed himself, he is likely to have been punished in some way. To handle not having his developmental needs consistently met, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have also involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected false self. Another Part And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. Furthermore, he would have come to believe that he was here to meet his mother’s needs. Taking this into account, his view of himself and what he believes his purpose is will be a reflection of him being in a developmentally stunted state and what his underdeveloped brain came to believe early on. As fixed as this will appear to be, then, it will be something that is not set in stone and can be changed. Moving Forward For his inner world to change, he will have pain to face and work through, unmet developmental needs to experience, and beliefs to question. By doing this, the self-image that he currently has will gradually be phased out and replaced by a self-image that serves him. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even if someone’s early years were a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. If they were to think about this stage of their life, they could think about how it wasn’t that bad.
They might even have a fairly positive view of their mother and father, believing that they did the best that they could. Additionally, they might believe that this stage of their life is in the past and no longer matters. The past is present However, if they have this outlook, it doesn’t mean that the signs won’t be there that this stage of their life is still impacting them. But, as they are unable to see this connection, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. As a result, what they are going through can be seen as being caused by other things. For example, they can often feel low and depressed, with it being difficult for them to handle life. The Cause What they are going through could be put down to them having a “chemical imbalance” and being born this way. Consequently, they could end up being put on medication, which might allow them to function better. But, even if it does, it won’t allow them to gain a deeper understanding of why their life is this way and resolve what is going on for them at a deeper level. Also, they might arrive at the stage where this approach no longer works. Stepping Back Now, regardless of whether they go down this route, they could end up taking a step back and reflecting on their life. During this time, they can see that not only do they often feel down and depressed, but that they also spend a lot of time feeling empty. It can be as if they are missing something, and this is why they have trouble feeling good about themselves. Furthermore, what might enter their mind is that they only feel a sense of wholeness if they are dating or in a relationship. The other Side And, when their time with another comes to an end, they typically feel very low and as though they have lost part of themselves. If so, over the years, they may have thought about how they need another person to complete them. Yet, based on how they will feel when they are not with anyone, this is not going to be a surprise. Their emotional self will create the impression that they are not whole and complete as they are. Confusion But, as if they were to take the time to think about what their early years were like, they might gradually remember things that shed light on why they are this way. For example, they might remember that there were moments when they were left and that one or both of their parents was out of reach. Moreover, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them when they were an infant and then a toddler, they might see that they missed out on the attunement and care that they needed. If this were the case, they wouldn’t have received what they needed to experience an emotional birth. Two Births In order for them to have experienced not just a physical but also an emotional birth, they needed to receive the right attunement and care from the moment that they were born. What this illustrates is that they were not born with a felt sense of being whole and complete. This was something that was completely dependent on them receiving the right responses. As this didn’t take place, then, they would have stayed in an emotionally underdeveloped state. A Brutal Time To handle not receiving what they needed, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have removed the pain that they were in and the needs that were not being met from their conscious awareness. What this would have done is allow them to keep it together and function. If this hadn’t occurred, they probably would have died. Seeping Through To help keep this pain at bay, as repression won’t have been enough, they would have struggled to be loved. This is because they would have hoped that if they struggled, they would be loved. But, as their mother and perhaps their father were unlikely to be able to provide them with what they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. Many years will have passed since then, but the pain that is inside them will heavily influence how they feel and the thoughts they have, and they will still be struggling for the love that they missed out on. Moving Froward Taking this into account, for them to no longer try to receive the love that they missed out on and experience an emotional birth, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone is in a relationship, they might have recently shared their body with another or had an affair. Now, this might not be the first time that this has taken place.
Not too long ago, they might have behaved in the same way. However, even if this is the first time that this has taken place with the person they are with, they might have done the same thing with their ex. Inner Conflict If they were to reflect on why they have behaved in this way, what could enter their mind is that the other person hasn’t been there for them. They might then have felt ignored and lonely before they behaved in this way. Then again, it might be that they ‘love’ the person they are with but are not sexually attracted to them. Therefore, by going with another person, it allowed them to meet the needs that are not being met otherwise. Not A one-off Due to the situation they are in, then, it might not be long until they cheat again or have another affair, that’s if they have already had one. If they are having an affair, they might even end up leaving their current partner and staying with them. In fact, and if they don’t leave them, they could continually end up cheating, with them sharing their body with numerous people. This could end up taking place for a number of years. External Feedback If they have a trusted friend, they could tell them about what they are doing, and this friend could be supportive. This friend could say that if their partner is not meeting their needs, they are justified in looking elsewhere. If this is the case, it could show that they themselves have also cheated in the past, and they might even be behaving in this way now. Having this support is likely to have a positive impact on them, giving them a greater sense that their behaviour is justified. Another Scenario Then again, they could talk to a trusted friend, and this friend could question why they are behaving in this way. So, if they are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, their friend could ask them why they are with them. Alternatively, if they are with someone who they are not sexually attracted to, they could ask them the same thing. If this takes place, they might not know what to say, or they could say that what they are doing is easier. Stepping Back Irrespective of whether they are asked why they stay with someone who is not a good match for them, they could end up stepping back and reflecting on this area of their life. During this time, they can wonder why they maintain the relationship they are in and don’t cut their ties with the other person. If they are unaware of why this is, one thing that they can do is imagine that they cut their ties with them and are now free to find someone who is a good match for them. At first, they might feel relieved and more at peace, as they will no longer have to live a double life. The Next Stage But, it might not be long unit they start to very feel uncomfortable and have the need to go back to how things were. If they were to stay with this, they could find that they feel anxious and fearful and as though they have been rejected and abandoned. After this, they could feel helpless and hopeless. What this will show is that cheating or having an affair will not only allow them to meet certain needs, but it will also allow them to keep how they feel at bay. The Other Part And, if they were to imagine being with someone who is a good match for them, they could also feel uncomfortable. What could enter their mind is that they are not worthy of being with someone like this and are unlovable. Thus, they will either have to be with someone who is not right for them or they will have to be alone. It is then not a surprise that they are in a position where they are settling, as opposed to experiencing what is best for them. What’s going on? As confusing as this is, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them during their formative years, it might soon make sense. This may have been a stage of their life when they missed out on the attunement and care that they needed. As a result, they would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, which would have stopped them from being able to grow and develop in the right way. To handle not being able to securely attach to one or both of their parents, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. The Meaning They would then have lost touch with their connected true self and formed a disconnected false self. Additionally, they would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad and that they were worthless and unlovable. Many years will have passed of course, but how they adapted and the meaning that their underdeveloped brain made won’t have changed. So, as depriving as it will be for them to be with someone who is not available or who they are not sexually attracted to, this will serve as a secondary defence that keeps their pain at bay, and they won’t believe that they deserve better. Moving Forward Furthermore, looking toward someone else as opposed to directly speaking to their partner about what is going on for them will also be a way for them to keep how they feel outside of their conscious awareness. With this in mind, for them to be with someone who is mentally, emotionally and physically right for them, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone has an emotional self, in addition to a mental self, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. The reason for this is that they could typically be out of touch with how they feel.
What this is likely to mean is that they will spend most of their life in their head and be out of their body. This is because their feelings will be found in their body, not their head. A Different Approach This will give them a more mental approach to life, with them likely having the inclination to try to work things out and rely on insight as opposed to feeling if something is right and relying on instinct. Now, this is not to say that they won’t ever experience anger or frustration; no, what it means is that they won’t have the tendency to experience deep, embodied feelings. There is a chance that they have been this way for a very long time. The Norm If this is the case, there will be no reason for them to question why they are this way. And, if they were to come into contact with someone who is in touch with how they feel, they could experience a strong reaction. For example, they could believe that this is someone who lacks self-control and is “too emotional”. In their eyes, then, they will need to learn how to manage how they feel and gain control of themselves. A Flat Existence However, while they won’t lack self-control, they can have the inclination to lack energy and be lifeless. But, as they will be out of touch with the part of them that will give them energy and allow them to feel alive, this is to be expected. Yet, as they are not aware of what is going on, they can believe that they just suffer from depression, for instance. This could be put down to them having a “chemical imbalance” or as something that is genetic. Another Part Not being rooted in their body and connected to their feelings and instincts is also likely to mean that they won’t have a strong need to connect to others and experience intimacy. Instead, they can prefer to engage in intellectual pursuits. If they do have people in their life, they could typically talk about surface-level things. These are then going to be relationships that lack depth. The Catalyst Sooner or later, though, they could end up meeting someone who they are attracted to and develop a deeper connection with them. They will then go from living a life where they don’t feel a great deal, to living a life where they do. The ‘positive’ feelings that they experience might not last, though, as they could soon experience a number of ‘negative’ feelings. For example, the person they are with could soon pull away or even cut their ties with them. A Rough Time Assuming that the latter takes place, they can end up being overwhelmed with pain. They will then have gone from one extreme to another, with them being caught up in how they feel. They can experience anger and sadness, and feel helpless and hopeless. What might enter their mind is that the person they were with caused them to feel this way. Another Angle But, even though this may appear to be the case, there can be more to it. What this can show is that this person simply unlocked pain that was held in other parts of their brain and body. Up until this point, there would have been a ‘barrier’ that kept this inner material outside of their conscious awareness and uprooted them from their body. Now that this ‘barrier’ is no longer as effective, they will have been introduced to some of what their conscious mind had forgotten all about and developed a better connection with their body. A Deeper Look Most likely, this will be pain that they had to repress during their formative years, with them leaving their body in the process. Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have missed out on the attunement and care that they needed. As the years passed, this might have continued to be the case. To handle what happened and keep it together and function, their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. One Option This would have also involved them disconnecting from their embodied and connected true self and developing a disembodied and disconnected false self. Ultimately, the connection that they had to themselves after they were born would have gradually been lost. The years would then have passed, but what was repressed at this stage of their life would have stayed inside them, and they would have continued to be in a disconnected state. This pain would have also played a part in why they had the relational experience that they had. Another Element At this deeper level, they will be trying to receive the love that they missed out on at this stage of their life. This part of them won’t want to be with someone who can be there for them; it will want to be with someone who is just as unavailable as their mother and perhaps their father was. As this part of them has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t be able to see that another person is not their mother or father and that it is too late to receive this love. This part will believe that if it struggles enough, it will finally be loved. Moving Forward For them to no longer be in pain and inhabit their body, they will have pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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