For a little while now, a man may have been able to see that he is overly focused on his mother. What can be clear is that, thanks to how focused he is on her needs, he doesn’t have much of a life himself.

So, he might have a job that is or isn’t fulfilling, might or might not have a few close friends, and may or may not look after his physical health. However, regardless of this, he might not be in an intimate relationship.

The Central Theme

Furthermore, what can be normal is for him to feel drained, and he might have moments when he feels exhausted. Along with this, he can spend a lot of time feeling frustrated, angry and even enraged.

Yet, based on how he is living his life, it is to be expected that he would seldom, if ever, feel fulfilled and as though his life is going in the right direction. For this to change, he is naturally going to need to be less focused on his mother's ​needs and more focused on his own.

A Hurdle

But while this is what will need to take place, he may find that he is unable to simply change his behaviour. The mere thought of doing so could cause him to feel anxious and as though he would be doing something wrong.

If so, he can wonder why he has this experience when he thinks about living his own life. What can enter his mind is that it is as if she is his child and he is her parent, which is why he feels the way that he does.

What’s going on?

Nonetheless, as confusing as this is likely to be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of his life when his mother needed him to be there for her.

Assuming that this was the case, she would have probably taken care of his basic needs, such as his need for food, shelter and clothing, but that would have largely been as far as it went. Therefore, his need for an attuned, caring, affectionate and supportive mother would have seldom, if ever, been met.

His Purpose

Furthermore, his mother would have looked to him to meet some of her needs. For example, she might have looked toward him to soothe her when her emotions were out of control and make her feel better when she felt low.

And when he expressed his needs, he is likely to have been ignored, criticised, rejected and even abandoned. A stage of his life, then, when he needed to receive, in order to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when he missed out on what he needed and had to give.

The Outcome

To handle missing out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied, and fully feeling true self.

This connection would have been replaced by a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self. He would have also come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was responsible for his mother.

The Other Side

When it comes to why his mother treated him in this way, it is likely to be because she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. She probably had to be there for her mother and/or father.

This would have also caused her to lose touch with her connected, embodied and fully feeling true self, with her creating a disconnected, disembodied, not fully feeling and perhaps inflated false self. The years would then have passed, and while her physical and mental self would have grown, she would have stayed in an emotionally underdeveloped state.

His Role

When she had him, her son, at a deeper, emotional level, he would have been seen as a being who could give her what she missed out on as a child. He would then have been her son, but he would have represented something else.

Unlike her mother and/or father, who didn’t provide her with the love that she needed and often neglected her, he would have been seen as someone who would love and never leave her. Her conscious mind would then have seen him in one way, but her unconscious mind would have seen him in a very different way.

No choice

And, as he was powerless and dependent during this stage, he had no other choice but to become who she needed him to be. He would have hoped that if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him.

But as she hadn’t received what she needed as a child and hadn’t resolved any of her wounds, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Still, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to block out what was going on internally and externally and release tension, and thereby, keep it together and function.

Moving Forward

Taking this into account, thanks to how underdeveloped his mother was, a role reversal took place. Most likely, this reversal, where the parent becomes the child and the child has to become the parent, has been going on for generations.

What took place was then not personal. For him to gradually reconnect to himself, feel comfortable with his needs and feelings, activate his inner sense of worth and lovability, and implement boundaries with his mother, he will have a number of steps to take.

There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change their life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

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Oliver JR Cooper
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If a woman is in a position where she has been with a number of men who were overly focused on their mothers and emotionally out of reach, or even men who were emotionally unavailable, she is likely to be well and truly fed up. She could see that this area of her life has been this way for as long as she can remember.

This will mean that she has wanted to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable and able to have a real relationship for a while, but she hasn’t been able to experience this. It is then to be expected that she wouldn’t be happy about this area of her life.

One Conclusion

When she thinks about this area of her life and how depriving it is and has been, what might often enter her mind is that this is how this area of her life will always be. Or, she might believe that the only way it will change is if her luck changes.

Alternatively, she might often think about how this is just what men are like and that it will only change if they do. If she is on board with the former or the latter, it is not going to give her the sense that she has much control over this area of her life.

Her Side

What can also play a part in why she feels so helpless and hopeless, when it comes to this area of her life, is that she might have done a lot over the years to improve herself. For example, she might have worked on her appearance and improved her self-image.

Furthermore, she can see herself as someone who is emotionally available, which can largely be why she finds it so hard to get her head around why she continually ends up with men who aren’t. Naturally, if she does see herself in this way, what is going on is not going to make any sense.

External Feedback

Her friends and even family could often tell her that she is a catch and is ready to have a relationship, or something similar. Assuming that this is the case, in their eyes, the reason this area of their life is the way that it is will be because of what is going on externally.

Most, if not all, of these people could be in living relationships, or they could be in a similar position. Either way, they probably all want her to be in a relationship that is enriching as opposed to one that leaves her feeling drained and deprived.

Another Angle

Now, even though it can seem as though she is ready and is emotionally available but what is going on externally is the issue; what if there is more to it? What is only part of her is ready and emotionally available?

After hearing this, she could become confused and even angry, with it being as though she is being blamed for what this area of her life is like. Then again, she could observe what is taking place inside her and have the need to know more.

A Closer Look

If the latter takes place, it will give her the opportunity to explore what might be going on for her at a deeper level. So, what she will need to keep in mind is that along with her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself, she has an unconscious mind.

What is taking place in this other, hidden part of her will be influencing how she feels, the thoughts she has, how she perceives things, how she behaves, who she is drawn to and who is drawn to her. This illustrates how much of an impact it has on how she experiences life.

A Deeper Look

When it comes to this other, hidden part of her, it can contain feelings and developmental needs that she had to lose touch with during her formative years, along with parts of herself. Thanks to what may have happened to her during her formative years, then, she would have lost touch with part of her consciousness.

In other words, she would have been rooted in her body and connected to all of her emotional self very early on, but as time passed, she wouldn’t have been firmly rooted in her body or connected to all of her emotional self. Her brain would have repressed how she felt and certain needs, causing her to have not just a conscious mind, but also an unconscious mind.

What happened?

The reason that she would have adapted in this way is that she might have been brought up by a mother and perhaps a father who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. She would then have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Being ignored, rejected, smothered, and abandoned would have been a normal part of her childhood. Along with losing touch with all of her consciousness, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, that she was worthless and unlovable, and associated human clones with annihilation.

The Past is present

As the years passed, her conscious mind would have forgotten all about what happened, and thereby, prevented her from being able to join the dots, so to speak. Also, at a deeper level, part of her is likely to be living in the hope that, if she struggles to make an available man available, he will change.

This is because at this deeper, emotional level, she won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, causing her to unconsciously project the mother and/or father that she had into a man. But at this stage of her life is over, and another man is not her mother and/or father, it will be too late for her to meet her unmet developmental needs.

Moving Forward

For her to be firmly rooted in her body, reclaim all of her emotional self, feel comfortable with her needs and feelings, activate her felt sense of worthiness and lovability, feel comfortable with human closeness, and no longer look for what she missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they might find is that they have the inclination to overreact when they are given feedback or receive constructive criticism. So if they are in a relationship, they might see that if their partner says that they would prefer something else or says that something could be done differently, they end up feeling as though they are being rejected.

It is then not that their partner is just sharing what they prefer or is trying to assist them and, thus, still wants to be with them and loves them; no, it is that they no longer want to be with them and don’t love them. After this, they can end up getting angry and shouting at them, or they might just feel very sad and withdraw emotionally and even physically.

The Next Stage

Thanks to how they behave during these moments, their partner might have started to become distant and might be very careful about what they say. If so, they can not only feel guilty about how they are behaving, but they can also see this as a sign that their partner has rejected them.

This can then cause them to withdraw even more, and it may mean that their partner will break up with them or they will end their relationship, which can cause them to feel even more rejected and as though they have been abandoned. Feeling rejected will be painful, and feeling abandoned will be even more intense, with it potentially feeling as though they are going to die. 
​
Another Part

What can also stand out is that they spend a lot of time looking for signs of rejection, and this causes them to be a people pleaser. As a result, it can be normal for them to be in their head and primarily be externally focused as opposed to being in their body and primarily connected to both their inner and outer world.

This will then mean that they will be used to feeling anxious and that their breathing will often be very shallow. They can see that by being this way, it allows them to be more prepared for when they are rejected and that it then doesn’t hurt as much.

A Lonely Existence

To make their life more bearable, they may spend a fair amount of time by themselves and do what they can to avoid certain social situations. This will deprive them of the human contact that they need, but it is likely to give them a break from being overly anxious and experiencing intense emotions, and allow them to be more connected to themselves.   

Still, during this time and others, they can often criticise themselves for how they behave and perhaps for pushing people out of their life. They can conclude that they are a failure, and are worthless and unlovable.

A lot to deal with

What can often enter their mind is that there is something inherently wrong with them and that the world would be better without them. During these moments, they can feel hopeless and hopeless.

However, although they can believe that there is something inherently wrong with them, what if this is not the case? What if they are like this because they are in a traumatised state?

A Closer Look

Assuming that this is so, and their life has been this way for as long as they can remember, there is a chance their early years were a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. From a very young age, their mother and perhaps their father might have not only been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but also been verbally abusive.

This would have caused them to miss out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being criticised, put down, ignored, rejected, invalidated and even abandoned would then have been the norm.

A matter of survival

For them to handle this and ensure their survival, their brain would have automatically repressed the pain that they were in and the needs that were not being met. The outcome of this is that they would have lost touch with their connected, embodied, fully feeling and inner-directed true self and developed a disconnected, disembodied, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Additionally, they would have lived in the hope that if they became who one or both of their parents wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would be loved. But, as futile as this was, as one or both of their parents probably couldn’t give them what they needed, as they had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, it would have served as a secondary defence that allowed them to release tension and helped them keep it together and function.
​
The past is present

Now, this stage of their life will be over, of course, but thanks to how they adapted and the emotional baggage that they are carrying from their past, they won’t fully realise this. At a deeper level, they will unconsciously project how it was for them early on into the present.

Being overly focused on others and anticipating rejection will then be a way for them to prevent their symbolic parent or parents – other people – from rejecting them. Also, this will be a way for this part of them to try to receive their parent or parents' love.

And, when they are rejected or perceive that this has taken place, some of the pain that their brain repressed early on will be unlocked, causing it to enter their conscious mind. Naturally, this old pain will make it difficult for them to be present and manage how they feel. 

Moving Forward

What this illustrates is that, at a deeper, unconscious level, they don’t have a sense of time and are blind. This is why this part won’t be able to see that, as this stage of their life is over, and another person can’t give them what their parent or parents couldn’t, it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on.

For them to no longer look for what they missed out on, be in their body and be less reactive, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk

If someone has an area of their life that is not very fulfilling, they can look into what they can do to change it. During this time, they can learn about how, once they become aware of how they are behaving, they will be able to change the behaviours that are not serving them and thus, change this area of their life.

For example, they might see that they continually end up with people who are emotionally unavailable and out of reach. So, they can look into what signs they need to become aware of that show that another person is not ready to have a real relationship.

Clarity

By becoming aware of the red flags, then, as soon as it becomes clear that another person is not right for them, they can move on. They might even see that, in the past, even if they did notice that something wasn’t right, they ignored it and carried on.

Now, though, they will have a clear idea of what they need to be aware of and that they need to step away when they are in this situation. However, after this, what might enter their mind is that their feelings also hold them back.

Another part

It then won’t just be enough for them to notice these signs, as they can find that there are moments when they feel lonely and needy, and this causes them to ignore what they see. As a result, it will be essential for them to be aware of how they feel during these moments and not allow themselves to be consumed by them.

This way, they won’t be caught up in how they feel, and they won’t be denying how they feel either. Thanks to this, their feelings won’t cause them to do something that they will later regret.

The Next Stage

After a while, assuming that they have taken a break from this area of their life, they might believe that they are ready to start dating again. But as they will know what to look for externally and what to be aware of internally, this will make sense.

And before long, they might meet someone who ticks a lot of their boxes, and they might feel fairly settled during this time, too. As the weeks and months pass, things could go in the right direction.

The Same Old Story

Nonetheless, after this, or before a few months have passed, they could see that they have ended up with someone who is just the same as the other people they have been with. If so, they can be angry and frustrated, and they can feel helpless and hopeless.

But, as they will have put a lot of effort into becoming aware of the signs that someone is not available and how they feel when they first meet them, among other things, this is to be expected. They will then have done the right things, and yet this area of their life won’t have changed.

What’s going on?

At this point, it might seem as though they have very little control when it comes to this area of their life. They might believe that this is just what men or women are like, or that they are just unlucky.

Yet, if they have become more aware and being aware is seen as a key part of what will allow them to change this or any other area of their life, this is to be expected. But what if being aware is not enough?

Two Levels

The reason it might not be enough is that they might not have access to all of their own consciousness, and what is held in part of their consciousness can define what takes place in this area of their life. In other words, there will be the conscious part of them, and then there will be a part of them that is unconscious.

When it comes to the latter, it will contain feelings and needs but although they won’t be able to connect to it, it will have an impact on who they are drawn to, who is drawn to them and how they feel, among other things. As to why there is a part of them that they don’t have access to, and they are unable to connect to what is held there, it is likely to be due to repression.

Going Deeper

Most likely, they lost touch with a big part of their consciousness during their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Consequently, they would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed. Being ignored, rejected, smothered, and even abandoned would then have been the norm.

One Option

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, their brain would have repressed the pain that they were in and a number of their needs. This would have caused them to lose touch with their connected, embodied and fully feeling true self and create a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self.

Along with this, they would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, that they were worthless and unlovable, and seen human closeness as something that would cause them to be annihilated. Furthermore, they would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who they wanted and behaving how they wanted, they would be loved.

Moving Forward

But, as their mother and their father were probably unable to love them, as they had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered how much they struggled. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but the part of themselves that they lost touch with will still be trying to receive their mother's and/or father's love.

This deeper, emotional part of them won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, which is why it can’t see that, as this stage of their life is over and another person is not their mother or father, it is too late. For them to no longer look for what they missed out on, to reconnect to all of their consciousness, and find someone who is available, they will need to gradually reconnect to their body, face and process the pain that they had to repress, and experience their unmet developmental needs.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Consultations.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk

What can be normal is for a man to spend a lot of time having sex with different women, or he might spend a lot of time dating different women. Then again, he might go from one relationship to another.

If this is the case, it will mean that he is seldom, if ever, going to be in a position where he is single and doesn’t have a woman in his life. But if there are moments when he doesn’t have a woman in his life, this can be a time when he becomes very agitated.

One Level

Now, he could believe that this is because he has needs and, of course, if he is not having sex, dating or in a relationship with a woman, certain needs won’t be met. Based on this, it is to be expected that he would feel uncomfortable if he were in this position.

Once he does have a woman in his life, then, he is likely to settle down and be able to focus on other areas of his life. Due to this, there will be no reason for him to take a deeper look into why he would feel this way, as it will just be part of the human experience.

Another Level

However, what if the reason he feels this way is not simply because his needs are not being met? What if there is another factor that is playing a part in why he would feel this way?

At a deeper level, he may be trying to meet needs that were not met during his formative years. These needs will then be outside of his conscious awareness, but they will have a big impact on how he feels, sees life and behaves.

A Closer Look

Assuming that this is the case, when he has a woman in his life, part of him will believe that he is meeting needs that were not met when he was a boy and younger. This will have a positive effect on him, and it will allow him to release tension.

The trouble is that, as he is now a man and not a boy or younger, and another woman is not his mother, it won’t be possible for him to meet his unmet developmental needs. Yet, while this is the case, as he will unconsciously project his mother into a woman, he won’t realise this.

A Deeper Level

By doing this, when he is with a woman, it will be as though he is receiving what he missed out on during his early years, and this will allow him to experience a sense of wholeness. But as this stage of his life is over and a woman can’t give him what his mother couldn’t, the experience he has won’t last.

What this illustrates is that, consciously, he will see that a woman is just another human being and can only meet certain needs. But, at an unconscious level, he will see a woman as his mother and believe that she can give him something that will change him at a fundamental level.

A Defence

So, as it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on as a boy and younger, it won’t matter how many women he has sex with, who he dates or has a relationship with. Ultimately, the emptiness that he feels internally won’t be filled by anything externally.

The only thing that will happen is that he will be deceived and will believe that he is finally receiving what he missed out on as a child. Thanks to this, he will feel more secure and whole, but it won’t last.

A Replay

Most likely, how he is behaving as an adult is very similar to how he behaved early on. At this stage of his life, he probably struggled to be loved by his mother, believing that this would allow him to receive what he needed.

But, as his mother was probably unable to provide him with what he needed, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did. Early on, this struggle wouldn’t have worked as his mother couldn’t love him, but now that he is an adult, it won’t work because this developmental stage of his life has passed.

It's Over

If it wasn’t too late, then all the sex, affection, attunement and attention, for instance, he has received from women over the years would have changed him at a deeper, emotional level. For this to happen, he will need to take a step back from women and connect to his body, so that he can face and process the pain that he couldn’t fully experience as a boy and was repressed and experience his unmet developmental needs that were also repressed.

By taking a step back from women, it will undermine his secondary defence and stop him from being able to release tension, which will make it easier for him to connect to how he really feels. This won’t be comfortable, but it is a necessary step in him gradually facing himself and no longer looking for something that he can’t receive.

A brutal Time

The pain and unmet needs that he will be connecting to are likely to be a consequence of him being brought up by a mother who was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. He would have missed out on the attunement, care, support and affection that he needed.

To handle being ignored, rejected, invalidated, smothered and even abandoned, his brain would have repressed the pain that he was in and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected, embodied and fully feeling true self, and creating a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self.

One option

If he hadn’t adapted in this way, he would have probably been overwhelmed, and his life might have come to an end. What would have helped him to manage the tension that he was in was the hope that, if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, he would be loved.

Many, many years will have passed, but due to how he adapted and the pain and the unmet needs that are inside him, his adult life will have a lot in common with his childhood. Thankfully, as he faces and processes his pain and experiences his unmet developmental needs, his life will gradually change, and he will develop an inner sense of wholeness.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Consultations.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk

Although there can be a number of areas that are going well for a woman, there can be one area that is not going well. So, she can have a job or a career that is going well, she can be doing well financially, have good friends, and have good health.

However, when it comes to her love life, this can be an area that is anything but fulfilling. What can be normal is for her to end up with men who are overly focused on their mother and are emotionally and even physically out of reach.

Looking Back

If so, when she thinks about what it was like with her ex, she can see that he spent a lot of time doing things for his mother, and when he was available, she couldn’t really connect to him. Still, she might see that when she first started seeing him, he wasn’t as focused on his mother, and he was more available.

Assuming this is the case, it can be as though the man she was with, in the beginning, ended up being replaced by another man, as time passed, who looked the same. Certain needs that were being met would then have gradually stopped being met.

A Deeply Challenging

But even though he ended up giving less, she might have ended up giving more as time passed. For example, she might have become more like his mother than his girlfriend, with her doing what she could to try to change him.

On numerous occasions, she might have spoken to him about what is going on, but she might not have been able to make much progress. He might not have accepted that he was overly focused on his mother, or if he did, he might not have taken any steps to change his life.

One Big Drain

Thanks to how much she gave to him and how little she received in return, she is likely to have often felt drained and even been in a state of exhaustion a lot of the time. After arriving at the point where she had nothing left to give, or perhaps before, she might have drawn the line.

Once this took place, it might have taken her a number of weeks or months before she started to get her energy back and feel good about herself. And, if she were to look back further than this, she could see that her last relationship and the one before that were very similar.

Stepping Back

Now, when she thinks about what this area of her life is like, she can be frustrated and confused. The reason for this is that not only can other areas of her life be going well, but she can see herself as someone who is emotionally available and ready to have a relationship.

It will then be as if she just happens to end with men who are not emotionally available or ready, which is naturally going to cause her to feel angry, frustrated and even helpless and hopeless. Nonetheless, although it can appear as though she just happens to be in this position, what if there is more to it?

A Closer Look

What if only a smaller part of her is emotionally unavailable and is ready to have an intimate relationship, while a bigger part of her isn’t? After hearing this, she could experience a strong reaction.

She might even believe that she is being blamed for what this area of her life is like. But, even if she does react in this way, if she is able to mentally detach from what is taking place inside her and keep an open mind, it will give her the opportunity to look deeper.

Two Levels

What she can keep in mind is that, in addition to her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself, she also has an unconscious mind. In other words, she won’t just have one self; she will have two selves.

But, while it can seem as though this is just part of being human, it would probably be more accurate to say that this is an outcome of repression. Therefore, if her brain were no longer engaging in repression, she would only have one self.

The outcome

What this would do is allow her to become aware of the information that has been hidden for however long and see why this area of her life is the way that it is. The downside to this is that this would cause her conscious mind to be flooded with pain and needs, among other things, undermining her ability to keep it together and function.

What this illustrates is that the reason she has two selves is likely to be because there was a time in her life when she was greatly traumatised. This would have caused her brain to automatically repress how she felt and thereby prevented her from having an integrated brain where she had access to all of her emotional self and instincts.

Back In Time

When it comes to when she was greatly traumatised, this is likely to have been during her formative years. This may have been a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

She would then have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. What would have been normal is for her to be ignored, rejected, invalidated, and even abandoned.

One option

To handle what happened, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her developmental needs. This inner material would then have been removed from her conscious awareness and ended up causing her to form an unconscious.

This would have meant that she lost touch with her connected, embodied, and fully feeling true self, and developed a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self. Furthermore, she would have lived in the hope that, by becoming who they wanted and doing what they wanted, she would be loved.

But, as futile as this was, as most likely, one or both of her parents couldn’t provide her with what she needed, as they had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, it would have served as a secondary defence. Her underdeveloped brain is also likely to have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, that she was worthless and unlovable, and that she would be annihilated if she experienced human closeness.

A Replay

The years would then have passed, but due to how she adapted, she would have unconsciously created an area of her life that was very similar to how it was for her as a child. The trouble is that, as her conscious mind would have forgotten all about what happened and had no awareness of the fact that she had another, hidden self, and that this self was having a big impact on her life, she wouldn’t have been able to join the dots.

This other self, the self she doesn’t have access to, thanks to repression, will be trying to receive what she missed out on as a child. It will do this by unconsciously causing her to be pulled to men who are unable to give her what she needed and needs, in the hope of finally making him into someone who can meet her needs, so that she can receive what she missed out on.

Moving Forward

What this shows is that this other part of her has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it won’t be able to see that, as this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father, it is too late for her to receive what she missed out on. For her to reconnect to this other self, become more integrated, and no longer look for what she missed out on as a child, there will be a number of steps for her to take.

She might need to experience some kind of body work to loosen her defences, and after this has taken place, she will be able to gradually face and process her pain and experience her unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
 

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For a number of weeks, months or even years, a man may have been in a relationship with a woman who didn’t treat him very well. This may have been a time when she would often put him down, humiliate him, disregard his needs and feelings, ignore him and even physically harm him.

Due to this, this is likely to have been a time when it was normal for him to feel low and down. He might have ended up losing all motivation and had very little interest in doing just about anything.

Two Stages

When she first started behaving in a way that was harmful, he might have stood up for himself. However, as time passed, he might have simply tolerated how she behaved and not said or done anything.

Then again, he might not have stood up for himself at the beginning and might have just tolerated what took place. If so, like a punching bag, he would have simply absorbed her abuse.

A Battle

However, now that he is no longer with her, he might have started to feel better about himself and become more motivated. He might also be glad that his time with her has come to an end.

Then again, he might not feel much different, and he could experience a strong need to get back with her. Furthermore, she might also want to get back with him, with her often texting and calling him.

External Feedback

Assuming that this is the case, he can end up talking to a few of his friends about what is going on for him. He can tell his friends that he loves her and that if he were to get back with her, it would be different this time.

After they have listened to what he has had to say, they can make it clear that they are there to support him and have his back, but say that he would be crazy to get back with her and that he doesn’t deserve to be treated like he is nothing. They can talk about how beaten down he was when he was with her and how he has only just started to get back on his feet.

Inner Conflict

As to how long ago he broke up with her, it might have been a number of weeks or months ago. If this is how his friends have responded, he could reflect on what they have said.

A big part of him can believe that this time it will be different, while a smaller part of him can believe that it will be the same. Thanks to this, it might not be long until he gets back with her.

The Same Old Story

If so, for the first few weeks or months, she might be different, but then she could go back to how she was before. If this is the case, he could start to wonder why he has got back with a woman who is so undermining.

He might see that no matter how he behaves or what he does for her, her behaviour doesn’t change. He could then be the perfect man, but it wouldn’t have an impact on how she treats him.

Drawing the line

Before long, he could break up with her or she could break up with him, which could mean that he will end up feeling how he did before. Part of him can be relieved, while another part of him can feel a strong need to be with her.

To this other part of him, it can be as if he has lost someone that he needs and that, unless he gets back with her, he won’t survive. It is then going to make sense why he got back with her last time and wants to get back with her again.

Stepping Back

As confusing as this is, there is a chance that he is unconsciously trying to resolve what took place during his formative years. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach but was verbally and even physically abusive.

If this is what this stage of his life was like, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed the pain that he was in and a number of his needs.

Not Choice

He would then have lost touch with his connected, embodied, and fully feeling true self, and developed a disconnected, disembodied and not fully feeling false self. What would have helped him to keep it together and function was the hope that if he became who she wanted and behaved how she wanted, she would love him.

But, as she was probably unable to provide him with what he needed, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Along with this, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable.

A Replay

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but the emotional part of him doesn’t have a sense of time and is blind, which is why this part of him will be trying to resolve what happened at this stage of his life. To this part of him, the woman he was with will represent his mother, and he will then have the need to make her into a woman who can love him.

But even if he could change her, as she is not his mother, and it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on, he will be wasting his time. Nonetheless, if he were to stop struggling, he is likely to soon feel deeply uncomfortable, as this struggle will be a defence against the pain and needs that his brain repressed all those years ago.

Moving Forward

Therefore, for him to gradually change this area of his life, he will need to gradually face and work through the pain that his brain repressed all those years ago and experience his unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
 

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Oliver JR Cooper
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Over the years, a woman may have been with a number of men who were overly focused on their mother and were emotionally unavailable. Then again, the men she has been with might have just been emotionally unavailable.

Either way, she is likely to be well and truly fed up with this area of her life. If she is, it could be said that this is not going to be much of a surprise, considering how depriving this area of her life will be.

One conclusion

When it comes to why this area of her life is this way, she can believe that this is just what men are like or that she is unlucky. What can play a part in the view that she has is that she might have put a lot of effort into finding a man.

So, she might put a lot of effort into how she looks, with her going to the gym, ensuring that her hair looks good, and dressing in a certain way. She might also be into self-development.

For Example

If so, over the years, she might have questioned what she believes and replaced negative thoughts with positive ones. Along with this, she might have done yoga.

However, regardless of whether she has taken these steps, she can not only see herself as being ready for a relationship but also as being emotionally available. Therefore, if she does believe that this is just what men are like or that she is unlucky, it makes sense.

It Doesn’t Make Sense

She will be in a position where she is ready and emotionally available but the men she has been with won’t have been ready or emotionally available, so how could what is going on in this area of her life have anything to do with her? And, if she were to speak to her friends about this area of her life, they could be supportive and validate what she believes.

They could say that what is going on is not her fault and she is not to blame. As far as they are concerned, she could be someone who deserves to be with a man who is available and ready to have an intimate relationship.

The Next Stage

After a while, she could look for information online about why men are like this, with her believing that if she can understand them, she might be able to change them. During this time, she might end up coming across information that looks deeper into why a woman would attract men who are like this.

This information can go into how she doesn’t just begin and end with her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself, and that she also has an unconscious mind. What is taking place in this and every other area of her life is then not just going to reflect what is going on for her at a conscious level; it will also reflect what is going on for her at an unconscious level.

A key part

What can also be said is that, when it comes to what is taking place in this other, hidden part of her, it can largely be a consequence of what took place during her formative years. For example, what could be covered is that this stage of her life may have been a time when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Along with this, one or both of her parents might have been verbally and even physically abusive. A stage of her life when she needed consistent attunement, care, affection and support to grow and develop in the right way would have been a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

A Tough Time

After this, what could be covered is how she would have had to lose touch with her connected, fully feeling and open true self and develop a disconnected, not fully feeling and closed false self in order to handle what happened. Furthermore, it can say that this would have probably caused her to see her needs and feelings as bad, believe that she was worthless and unlovable and see intimacy as something that would cause her to be annihilated.

What can also be covered is how, to help her keep it together and function, she would have lived in the hope that, if she became and did what one or both of her parents wanted, she would be loved by them. Lastly, what can be put forward is that if this is what she experienced and how she adapted, what is going on in this area of her life will reflect her own emotional unavailability and fear around human closeness.

One Response

Now, although the purpose of the information will have been to shine the light on what is taking place for her at a deeper level and aimed at what will allow her to move forward, she can experience a strong reaction. She can believe that she is being blamed for what is going on in this area of her life.

It then won’t be that the purpose of this information was to assist her and not simply make her feel good or validate what she believes, but it was to hold her back and punish her. At this point, it can seem strange why she would react in this way, especially as she wants to move forward.

A Closer Look

What this can illustrate is that the disconnected false self that she had to form early on is doing what it can to protect her. This part of her will be there to ensure that the pain and unmet developmental needs that were repressed early on don’t enter her conscious awareness, as this would undermine her ability to keep it together.

Thus, thanks to this part of her rejecting the information that she is exposed to and not allowing it to reach her, it allows her to maintain the defensive self that she has in place. It can then seem as though she is choosing to misinterpret what she has been exposed to, but her mind will have automatically done this.

Moving Forward

What this illustrates is how important self-observation is, as it will give her the ability to observe what is taking place inside her as opposed to being controlled by her mind's defensive reactions. She might have heard, at least once, that she sees with her brain, not her eyes.

With this in mind, it will be essential for her to develop the ability to observe what is taking place inside her, so that she can have an open mind and take in information that will allow her to gradually change her life. Without this ability, her defended self, the self that was created to protect her, will just keep her stuck.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

​If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk

After having been with a number of men who were overly focused on their mother and were emotionally out of reach, a woman could feel helpless and hopeless. If this is so, this won’t be a surprise, as this area of her life will be anything but affirming.

Over the years, she might have shared a lot about what is going on in this area of her life with her friends. Throughout his time, they might have largely been supportive and had her back when she was not in a good way.

One Scenario

So, when she broke up with the man who she was last with, she might have soon reached out to one or a number of her friends. During this time, she might have been told that it’s a good thing that it has come to an end.

After this, they might have said that she was with a man who just wasn’t available. They might then have said that now she has the opportunity to find her feet again and, over time, to find a man who is available, or something similar.

A Big Impact

Naturally, having one friend who is supportive, let alone two or three, is going to make her life easier than it would be otherwise. She might often think about how fortunate and grateful she is that she has a friend or friends who are like this.

Along with their support, they might also encourage her to look into why she was continually ended up in this position. If they do, it can show that they don’t see themselves as mere observers of reality and understand that their reality is mirroring back what is going on for them at both a conscious and unconscious level.

A Helping Hand

Due to this, they might suggest that she takes a closer look at what her childhood was like, to see if she can remember anything that might shine a light on why her life is this way. For example, they might say that as she continually ends up with men who are not emotionally available, it can show that this was a stage of her life when she was continually hurt.

So, she might have had a mother and/or father who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. The outcome of this is that she would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

The outcome

Being ignored, rejected, smothered and even abandoned would then have been normal. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, her brain would automatically have repressed the pain she was in and a number of her needs.

This would have involved her losing touch with a big part of her emotional self. Instead of being firmly rooted in her body and connected to all of herself, she would have formed a disconnected and defended false self.

Something to Avoid

Furthermore, she would have come to see human closeness as something that would cause her to be overwhelmed and annihilated. This is because, when she was receiving misattuned care and was left, for instance, it would have been as though her sense of self was under threat and she was dying.

She is also likely to have believed that her needs and feelings were bad, and that she was worthless and unlovable. The reason for this is that, as she was egocentric at this stage of her life, she would have personalised what took place.

A Different Direction

Assuming that this is what took place, she will see that the men she has ended up with were showing her what she needs to face and resolve inside herself. It was then not that these men were the problem or that she was unlucky.

She will now be in a position where she can gradually change the direction of her life. However, while this scenario could be seen as the ideal, she could have a friend or friends who respond differently.

Another Outlook

Her friend or friends could say that this is just what men are like or that she is just unlucky. In their eyes, then, this area of her life will never change, or she will just have to hope that her luck changes.

Her friend or friends could also be in a very similar position, which is why they can speak with such certainty. These friends are then not going to encourage her to look within, as most likely, they are not ready to do this.

A Reflection

At this point, it could seem as though her friend or friends are doing what they can to hold her back. In reality, they are most likely doing what they can to ensure that they don’t have to face themselves.

Thus, by making sure that their friend has the same view as them, it will help them to strengthen and keep their own defences in place. Still, this is not to say that they will be consciously aware of this, as it is likely to take place unconsciously.

Another part

Also, if she has a friend or friends who are like this, they are likely to be a reflection of the part of her that doesn’t want to face what is going on inside herself. It is then not that she just happened to have a friend or friends who are like this.  

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, if her childhood was a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded, there will be a number of steps for her to take. There will be beliefs for her to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
 

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk

For a little while now, a woman might have wanted to be with a man who is not just physically but also emotionally available. In fact, she might have wanted this for most, if not all, of her adult life.

What can then be normal is for her to have been with men who were physically in reach but emotionally out of reach. Thanks to this, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to experience a deep emotional connection with them and feel seen, heard and supported.

The outcome

When she thinks about what it was like with one of these men, it can be as though they were physically and, at times, mentally there, but that was it. It then wouldn’t have been possible for her to feel his presence.

Consequently, when she spoke to him, she typically wouldn’t have felt as if he was really there. And, what is also likely to have proven how out of reach he was emotionally is that no matter how much time passed, their relationship didn’t progress.

Caught Up

It might have seemed as though his emotional self was somewhere else, which was why only part of him showed up and why he couldn’t move forward. Said another way, it might have been as though his physical and mental self were in a relationship with her, but his emotional self was in a relationship with another woman.

As a result, her physical and perhaps her mental needs would have been met, but she would have been emotionally starved. Over time, her interest in seeing him, let alone having sex with him, is likely to have disappeared.

Another outcome

Then again, she might have struggled right until the end to try to change him. If so, she might have continued to make time to see him and have sex with him, while also feeling angry, frustrated and resentful.

Part of her might have believed that, if she made time for him and kept giving, he would change. However, after realising that this approach wasn’t working, she would have ended up cutting her ties with him.

Stepping Back

After thinking about the experiences that she has had with so many men, she could question why her life is this way. What might then enter her mind is that this is just what men are like, or that she is just unlucky.

If she were to speak to her trusted friends about this area of her life, they could say what is going on doesn’t have anything to do with her. They could also say that this is just what men are like or that she is just unlucky.

The next Stage

Along with this, they could talk about all the things that she has done in order to find a man who is available. So, they could say that not only is she clear about what she wants, but she takes care of her appearance, puts herself out there, has worked on her self-image and is emotionally open.

After hearing this, she could agree with what they say, with her being able to see that she has been doing a lot of the right things. Thus, what is going on in this area of her life won’t have anything to do with her

A Closer Look

At this point, it won’t be a surprise if she feels helpless and hopeless and questions if this area of her life will ever change. Yet, although it might seem as though she is ready but she just happens to meet men who are not ready to have an intimate relationship, what if there is more to it?

What if only a small part of her emotional self is actually available, and the men she has been with are a reflection of this? After hearing this, she could react strongly and say that this is not true, or something similar.

Going Deeper

Nonetheless, as emotionally available as she believes she is, if she were able to go back in time, to when she was a child, she might see that she used to have access to far more of her emotional self. Compared with how she was, she might see that she now has a very weak connection to her emotional self.

The reason why she won’t have realised this is that experiencing life in this way will just be what is normal. She is then not going to be completely emotionally shut down, so there would have been no reason for her to see herself as being emotionally unavailable.

Back In Time

When it comes to why she ended up losing access to all of her emotional self, it can be because her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Furthermore, one or both of them might have been verbally and even physically abusive.

The outcome of this is that she would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. It would then have been normal for her to be ignored, rejected, smothered and even abandoned.

One Option

To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, her brain would have repressed the pain that she experienced and a number of her needs. This would have caused her to lose touch with her connected and embodied true self and develop a disconnected and disembodied false self.

She then wouldn’t have been firmly rooted in her body and had access to all of her emotional self, only to be uprooted from her body and lose this connection as time passed. Her heart would then have been energetically open, but to protect itself, it ended energetically closing and withdrawing to protect itself.

Another Part

In addition to her brain repressing the pain that she was in and a number of her needs, she would have lived in the hope that her mother and perhaps father would be there for her if she struggled for their love. This wouldn’t have been effective as her mother and perhaps father were probably unable to provide her with what she needed, but this hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped her to block out what was going on externally and internally and thereby, release tension and keep it together and function.

Lastly, her underdeveloped brain would have personalised what took place, with her believing that her needs and feelings were bad, and she was worthless and unlovable. Her system is also likely to have ended up associating human closeness as something that would cause her to be annihilated.

Moving Forward

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of her life, of course, and her mind will have largely moved on, but her body won’t have. She will carry most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs that her brain automatically repressed, the beliefs that she formed, and there will be how her nervous system adapted.

So, for her to gradually change this area of her life, she will have pain to face and process, unmet developmental needs to experience, and beliefs to question, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
 

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.
• Consultations.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk