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If a woman is with a man who is overly focused on his mother’s needs and neglects himself, she is likely to wonder why he doesn’t take care of his needs. Furthermore, she is likely to wonder why he doesn’t stand up to his mother and make it clear that he is not responsible for her.
Therefore, what will be clear is that he finds it hard to assert himself, with this being why he is not there himself and is there for his mother. The other part of this, of course, is that he won’t be there for the woman that he is with. The Same Experience Additionally, he is likely to be just as unassertive around her as he is with his mother. As a result, she is likely to be the one who makes most of the decisions and is the initiator in their relationship. Due to this, she could be desperate for him to not only be assertive around his mother but to also be assertive around her. When she thinks about how he often behaves, it could be as though he is missing something. No oomph He will generally lack the power that he needs to both protect and express himself. This will be the reason why he will typically need his mother or his partner to get him moving. Naturally, his partner is going to be angry and frustrated about having to more or less always take the lead. Even if she has no trouble doing this, she is going to want to be with a man who is in his power and can lead. Two Levels Or to be more accurate, this is what she will want at a conscious level. What this comes down to is that as she has ended up with a man who is like this, it is likely to show that another part of her doesn’t feel comfortable being with a man who is in his power. If so, what is taking place in her unconscious mind will have caused her to be pulled to a man who is not in his power. This might not be the first time that she has been with a man like this either. What’s going on? With that aside, it can seem strange why he would often go with the flow and allow other people to direct his life. Based on how he behaves, it will be as if he is merely an extension of others and his mother in particular and doesn’t have a self. Still, as strange as this may appear to be, it is unlikely that he has only just started to behave in this way. There is a chance that he has been this way for most if not all of his life. Stepping Back If he is aware of what is going on and has had enough of behaving in this way, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. What he could soon find, if he was to imagine being more assertive, is that this causes him to feel very uncomfortable. As destructive as it will be for him to be easy-going and to go with the flow, then, this will be what feels safe. This will show that something isn’t right as standing up for himself should feel comfortable. Going Deeper If he was to go into the discomfort that arises when he thinks about changing his behaviour, he could find that he fears being rejected, abandoned, and even harmed. Assuming that this is the case, it is not going to be a surprise that he behaves in this way. His need to survive is far stronger than his need to express himself, which is why his need to express himself is typically denied. For this to change, he will need to know, at the core of his being, that he can express himself and survive. Back In Time To understand why he is this way, it will be a good idea to take a closer look at what his early years were like. This is likely to have been a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed to develop a strong sense of self. Instead, he is likely to have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed to go through each development stage. By being deprived, he would have ended up being deeply wounded and developmentally stunted. Why was this? Most likely, his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to his needs. He would then have been forced to adapt to her and he is likely to have often been disapproved of, rejected, and abandoned. To handle what was going on and to try to be loved by her, he would have lost touch with his feelings and a number of his needs and developed a disconnected false self. But, as his mother was unable to love him, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did. It’s over Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent child, but, as the pain that he experienced is held inside him, he won’t know this. Deep down, expressing himself will be seen as something that will cause him to be punished, rejected, and abandoned and for his life to end. For him to gradually change his life, he will need to face and work through this pain and experience his unmet developmental needs. This is something that will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Happiness: Is It Right For Someone To Be Happy When There Is So Much Suffering In The World?5/12/2023
As a result of what is taking place in the Middle East and Ukraine, someone can often feel down and depressed. Due to this, they might not do a number of the things that they used to do before.
Quiet simply, they won’t have the desire or the energy to do a great deal. Apart from going to work, then, they might spend a lot of time at home and seldom if ever see their friends or family. Weighed Down Their friends and family could be concerned about their mental and emotional health, that’s if they are aware of what is going on for them. But, even if they are aware, are concerned, and have made this clear, it doesn’t mean that this has had much of an effect on them. They might have said that they can’t just focus on their life and allow themselves to feel good whilst so many people are suffering. The idea of being happy during this time could fill them with guilt and shame. One Outcome If a friend has suggested that they are not helping anyone by being this way, they might have criticised them. It might have gone further than this, though, as they might have fallen out. Their need to live in this way is then going to be so strong that they won’t be able to accept any feedback that challenges how they live their life. Along with not allowing themselves to be happy, they could do a number of things to try to help those who are suffering. The Next Stage As the days, weeks, and months pass, they could sink even deeper into the hole that they are in. If so, they could end up being put on medication and even think about ending their own life. What this will illustrate is that they are unable to keep it together and in a very bad way. In this case, it will be as if others are on a ship that is sinking and they have ended up in the same position. One Outlook Now, regardless of whether they have arrived at this stage, it could be said that as other people are suffering, it makes sense that they wouldn’t be able to experience positive feelings. This can be seen as a normal part of being a human being who can empathise and experience compassion. If they were not in touch with their humanity, on the other hand, it would be different. But, as they are in touch with their humanity, they are unable to simply overlook what is going on and live their life. Another Outlook Nonetheless, although their ability to empathise with and experience compassion for those who are in a very different position to them is a good thing, what stands out is that this is also something that is causing them to suffer. By getting into a boat that is also sinking, they won’t be able to truly help themselves let alone others. To stay with this analogy, for them to help someone who is sinking, they need to be strong enough to rescue whoever is on the boat. Naturally, if they go from being on dry land to jumping on a sinking boat, they won’t be able to do this. No Different With this in mind, allowing themselves to fall into a hole because of what is taking place for others is not serving anyone. This is not to say that they need to pretend that there are no problems in the world. No, what it means is that they can be aware of what is going on, or some of what is going on, and, at the same time, they can allow themselves to experience positive feelings. They can focus on how grateful they are for being able to live a radically different life. Another Point What they can also keep in mind is that by allowing themselves to fall down emotionally and for their life to fall apart in the process, they are feeding into a reality that is the opposite of what they want for themselves and others. The way for them to play their part in creating a world that is loving, peaceful, and harmonious is for them to do what they can to embody those elements. Yet, by not doing this, they are giving their energy to the very reality that leads to more pain and suffering. In other words, and to use another analogy, it’s not possible to make water cleaner by pouring in more dirty water. Going Deeper If they are on board with this and have come to the conclusion that they need to be strong and an example to others, the mere thought of changing their behaviour could make them feel uncomfortable. They could be filled with guilt and shame, with them having a strong need to carry on as before. What they may find if they were to take a step back and reflect on their life, is that they have found it hard to experience and sustain positive feelings for most of their life. This can show that, during their early years, their mother and/or father were often depressed. Back In Time Furthermore, their mother and/or father might have often blamed them for what was taking place in their own life. However, if they were not blamed it wouldn’t have mattered, as they were egocentric and thus, would have personalised what took place. The outcome of this is that this would have caused them to feel responsible for their mother and/or father’s wellbeing, to feel unworthy of being happy, and to blend with their emotional state to try to be loved. This stage of their life will be in the past, but the impact that it had on them will still be affecting their life. A Continuation The people who they feel sorry for and have lowered their emotional state for will then, symbolically, represent their mother and/or father. Consequently, they will feel responsible for what these people are going through, which will cause them to feel uncomfortable experiencing positive feelings and their emotional state will then be very similar to the state that these people are in. Another part of this is that their early years were a time when they didn’t develop strong boundaries. This is then why they have no sense of where they begin and end and where other people begin and end, with the outcome of this being that they feel responsible for the world. Cleaning Up The Past Neglecting themselves and being there for others will be something that feels comfortable. What they will need to keep in mind is that their needs are not bad or shameful; they are simply part of being an interdependent human being. For them to no longer feel responsible for the world and to bring themselves back into balance, to feel comfortable with their needs and develop boundaries, they are likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother Wounds: Can A Man Have The Need To Keep Women At A Distance If He Had A Neglectful Mother?3/12/2023
Although a man can need to keep women at bay, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. As a result, it can seem as though someone or something ‘out there’ is simply holding him back.
If he is in this position, this area of his life is not going to be very fulfilling. So, what can be normal is for him to continually end up with women who are emotionally unavailable. One Scenario When he has met a woman, then, she might have created the impression that she was available, but, as time passed, it will soon have become clear that this was not the case. Instead of being able to take things further, their time together might have soon come to an end. Due to this, he might have ended up feeling frustrated and angry and perhaps helpless and hopeless. If so, at one point, he might have felt really good and at another really bad. Fed Up To have gone through this once will have been tough but if he has gone through this on more than one occasion, he could be at the point where he is not willing to allow himself to attach to another woman. This will be a way for him to stop himself from suffering anymore. The downside of this approach is that his need to connect with a woman is not going to disappear. Thus, he is still going to experience pain but it won’t be as strong. Another Scenario However, there is also a chance that he hasn’t been able to get this far. This can mean that he hasn’t ever dated a woman let alone been able to form an attached to a woman who is not available. Thanks to this, he won’t be angry and frustrated or feel helpless and hopeless when it comes to the experiences that he has had with a woman; he can feel this way about not having been with a woman. He might often think about whether he will ever be with a woman or if he will always be alone. Two Parts Irrespective of the experiences that a man has or hasn’t had with women, along with believing that what is going on externally is the issue, he could often have moments when he believes that there is something inherently wrong with him. What can play a part in this is that he might have and continue to put in a lot of effort to become more attractive. For example, he might workout, wear stylish clothes, have a well-paid job, and even be well-known. But, no matter what he has done, it won’t have had much of an impact on this area of his life. A Natural Response If he has moments when he believes that there is something wrong with him, this is not going to be a surprise. He will have been doing the right things but he won’t have been able to make much progress. Nonetheless, although it can seem as though what is going on externally is the issue and perhaps that there is something wrong with him, there can be another reason why his life is this way. Deep down, he can have a fear of getting close to and forming a strong bond with a woman. Two Levels If he finds this hard to accept, what he will need to keep in mind is that he doesn’t begin and end with his conscious mind. In addition to this part of him, he also has an unconscious mind. This part of him is hidden but it is far bigger and more impactful than his conscious mind. If he was to connect to what is taking place at this level, he may soon find that he doesn’t feel comfortable with more and that’s why he hasn’t been able to make much progress in this area of his life. Why Is This? Assuming that he was to realise this, he could wonder why developing a close bond with a woman doesn’t feel comfortable. What this can show is that he wasn’t able to attach to and develop a close bond with his mother. This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for him. Throughout this stage of his life, then, he would have been ignored, rejected, and even abandoned. Two Parts Not receiving the love that he needed would have deeply wounded him and stopped him from being able to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed the pain he was in and a number of his developmental needs. Furthermore, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him and that he was unlovable. His mother would have also provided him with an inner model of what women are like – the particular would have become the general. The Outcome Many, many years will have passed but, deep down, he will expect a woman to leave him, and keeping his distance will be a way to prevent this from taking place. Even so, another part of him will still be trying to receive the love that he missed out on, which will cause him to be pulled to women who are not available and will pull away. As this part of him has no sense of time and can’t see clearly, it will see a woman as his mother and will struggle to receive what was not provided all those years ago. Yet, as another woman is not his mother, not to mention that this stage of his life is over, it will be too late to receive this love. Moving Forward The pain that he repressed will need to be faced and worked through and he will need to experience his unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Human Contact: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Need For Human Contact?28/11/2023
What can be normal is for someone to spend a lot of time by themselves, having very little interest in being around others. This could be how they have been for as long as they can remember.
Therefore, they might not wonder why they are this way or have the need to change their life. Then again, they may have had moments when they have wondered why they are this way and what they can to do change their life. An Isolated Existence However, even if they have had moments like this, they might not have taken the next step. So, regardless of if they have or haven’t been able to step back and reflect on their life, they are going to be missing out on a lot. What this comes down to is that they are an interdependent human being who needs to connect with others. Thus, it doesn’t matter whether they are aware of this need or not; they will pay a price. Hidden If they haven’t become aware of this need and are not aware of the feedback that makes this clear, it could show that they spend a lot of time in their head. This will allow them to not only keep their need for others at bay but to keep the pain of not meeting this need at bay. They can also have a number of things that they do to help keep this inner material out of their conscious mind. If so, this is likely to relate to things that they do automatically, as opposed to things that they consciously choose to do to avoid what is going on inside them. For example When they are not working, then, they can spend a lot of time online, watching films and playing video games, for instance. This will help to keep their attention away from themselves. Still, there can be moments when they are pulled back into themselves, with this being a time when they feel low and depressed. A big part of what is going on for them will be a consequence of the fact that they are missing out on the emotional nutrients that they need. One Step back When it comes to what they do for a living, they might do something that doesn’t involve a great deal of human contact. Yet, if they do spend a lot of time around others during this time, these interactions are not going to provide them with the same nutrients that close friendships would provide them. What these interactions will most likely help to do, though, is take the edge off the loneliness that they would experience unconsciously, if not consciously, by not having these types of connections in their life. This will then be better than nothing. Stepping Back After living in this way for many more months and perhaps years, they could arrive at the point where they are unable to continue. They could feel so drained and low that they know that something is not right and has to change. What could occur is that they spend a lot of time by themselves and that they need to spend more time around others. Nonetheless, another part of them could have no interest in this and be happy to carry on as normal. Inner Conflict What this will illustrate is that part of them wants to reach out but another part of them doesn’t. Moreover, based on how they live their life, the latter will be far stronger than the former. As they are an interdependent human being who needs to have supportive and loving bonds with others, it can seem strange as to why they would be this way. But, if their early years are taken into account, it might soon make sense. Back In Time This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable. The outcome of this is that, from the moment that they were born, they would have often been left, and, when they were given care, they would have often received misattuned care. As a result of this, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to bond with and develop a strong connection with their mother. This would have greatly wounded them and they would have been forced to disconnect from their body. One Option If they had stayed connected to their body, they would have been aware of their needs and feelings and this would have been too painful. Losing touch with this part of them was the only way for them to handle what was going on. They would have also come to associate human contact with something that would cause them to be harmed and suffer. From this experience and perhaps other painful experiences that they had as the years went by, it is clear why they would prefer to keep their distance. A Divided Being Instead of receiving what they needed to stay connected to themselves and develop a felt sense of safety, trust, worth and their own lovability, what they received will have separated them from themselves and caused them to develop a felt sense of unsafely, mistrust, unworthiness, and unlovability. Thanks to what is going on for them, they are not going to feel comfortable embracing their need for others. For this to change, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they might see is that just about every area of their life is one big battle. Due to this, they will be used to putting in a lot of effort while getting very little in return.
If there is a plus to the life that they lead, it could be that their life has moulded them into someone who is resilient and has a lot of inner strength. But, even if this is the case, they can be sick and tired of working so hard and having very little to show for it. One Area When it comes to what they do for a living, then, they can do something that they enjoy but they might not have been able to make much progress. Over the years, they may have done so much to try to move forward. And, if they have been able to move forward, they might have soon gone back to where they were before. To make matters worse, they might have watched on as others, who haven’t worked as hard, have moved forward. Another Area As for their love life, this might not be much better. Once again, they might have done a lot to try to attract the right person, only to end up in the same position time and time again. So, they might have continually ended up with people who were not interested in them and tried to make them see their value and love them. Their friends, on the other hand, could be far more successful even though they don’t do as much. One Conclusion Naturally, as they haven’t been able to get very far in these areas of their life and perhaps others, they are going to be in a bad way. This is not to say that they will want to live a life that is always easy but that they would like to be able to make progress in these areas of their life. To use an analogy: it will be as if they are at the same level and no matter what they do; they are unable to ‘level up’. As a result of this, they could believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. A Common Cycle What they might also see is that every now and then, they lose the desire to do just about anything and fall into a very deep hole. Before long, though, they could soon rise up and go back to trying to move forward. But, thanks to how long this has been going on, it could have gotten harder and harder for them to pull themselves up and to carry on. In other words, they could be desperate for a breakthrough. A Closer Look Based on how they experience life, it could be said that they are just unlucky and need to keep going. By doing this, sooner or later, their luck will change and they will be able to move forward. What could also be said is that they are unconsciously sabotaging their life because they don’t feel worthy of having what they desire. Thus, for their life to change, they will need to raise their self-esteem. Two Things When it comes to the view that they are just unlucky, this can be seen as nothing more than an assumption. What this view won’t do is allow them to move forward; it will just keep them stuck. As for the view that they are unconsciously sabotaging themselves due to their having low self-esteem, this can be seen as something that could be accurate. Unlike the previous reason, they will be able to do something about this. Another Angle However, if they do have low self-esteem, it doesn’t mean that this is the only thing that is causing them to experience life in this way. Further, this could just be a small part of why they are going around in circles. Beyond this, a big part of them can be trying to receive the love that they missed out on during their formative years. This need will then be outside of their conscious awareness but it will be having a big impact on their life. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, they may have had a mother and perhaps a father who were unavailable and unable to love them. Consequently, this would have deeply wounded and deprived them of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what took place, the pain that they were in and a number of their developmental needs would have ended up being repressed by their brain. Along with this, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that the reason they were not loved was because there was something inherently wrong with them. A Continuation This would have partly been a defence against reality as it would have been too much for them to accept that their mother and perhaps their father were unable to love them. To help keep their pain and reality at bay, then, they would have struggled to receive the love that was simply not available. Many, many years will have passed since they were a powerless and dependent child, but, a big part of them will still be trying to receive this love. This unmet developmental need will cause them to unconsciously create a life where they continue to struggle, in order to finally meet this need. The Same Story This part of them won’t know that this stage of their life is over and that it is too late to be loved by their mother and perhaps their father. What this illustrates is that this part of them won’t be able to accept that other people are not their mother and perhaps their father. If they were to reconnect to this part and face up to the fact that their childhood is over, a lot of pain would end up being unlocked. On one level, then, not being able to move forward is causing them to suffer, but, at a deeper level, continually struggling will allow them to avoid how they felt all those years ago. Another Reality This pain will be far more intense than the pain that they currently experience. Nonetheless, by facing this pain and working through it, and experiencing their unmet developmental needs, this pain will gradually subside. Also, this will allow their life to begin to flow. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
One thing that someone could wonder, if they had a mother who was typically not very nurturing, is why she even had a child or perhaps children. But, based on how she generally behaved, this is to be expected.
If she had generally been nurturing and supportive, there would be no reason for them to have this question. However, it might have taken them many, many years to get to this point A Number of Hurdles For so long, they might not have been aware of the fact that their mother had been cold and cruel. This will be because their brain blocked out what took place in order to allow them to keep it together and function. Also, after they became aware of some of what took place and if they had always been aware of certain things, they might have blamed themselves for what happened. What this would have done is stop them from being able to see their mother clearly. Inner Clarity Now, though, as they have been able to see her more clearly, it is likely to show that even if they do blame themselves for what happened, this blame won’t be as strong as it was before. Thanks to this, part of them will know that what happened wasn’t their fault and that their mother couldn't have been in a good way. Undoubtedly, if she had been in a good way, there would have been no reason for her to mistreat her own child. After all, this child was her own flesh and blood; not a random stranger, who simply came into her life and needed to be cared for. No Access There is a chance that they have tried to find out directly why their mother had a child but not have been able to make much headway. Moreover, their mother might deny that she mistreated them and make out that she was a good mother. For example, she could say that she gave them what they needed, with her focus being on their material needs. This could be true but what she will have seldom met was their emotional needs. Another Direction By not being able to find out directly why she had a child, or to have their early experiences acknowledged, they will know that they need to find another way to answer this question. What could also enter their mind is that their mother is not very connected to herself. Therefore, what could stand out is that she is not aware of why she had a child. And, if she has given reasons as to why she had a child, they will just be some of the reasons as to why this was. Going Deeper Taking into account how disconnected she is likely to be and how she behaved very early on, it is likely that her early years were anything but nurturing and she was deeply wounded. She would then have been deprived of the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Consequently, her physical and mental self would have grown but her emotional self would have been frozen in time. Additionally, to handle what happened, she would have ended up leaving her body and creating a disconnected and perhaps inflated false self. Unprepared So, when she became pregnant, it would have been as though a child was carrying a child and, when her child was born, she wouldn’t have been in a position to provide the child with what they needed. At this stage, their child needed a mother who was able to attune to their needs and generally meet them. Yet, as she was out of touch with her feelings and perhaps had a brain that was damaged due to her own early deprivation, she would have lacked the ability to do this. Instead, her child would have had to adapt to her needs and been deprived in the process. A Continuation As the years passed and her child got older, the fact that she wasn’t able to attach to her child would have made it easier for her to mistreat them. If she had bonded with her child, it would have been a lot harder for her to do this. But, although she was mistreating her child, she is likely to have really been engaging in indirect revenge. She was probably unable to see her child clearly, with her unconsciously projecting her parent or parents into them. The Main Question With this aside, if she has said that she wanted a child, for instance, and that’s why she had one, what will stand out is that there were many other reasons why she had one. But, as these reasons were hidden, she wouldn't have been aware of them. First, what may have played a part is that as she was a woman, she felt that she should have a child. Second, she might not have planned to get pregnant but had been pressured into keeping it. The Other Side These will relate to what was taking place for her at a couscous level; there will then be what was taking place for her at an unconscious level. Deep down, she may have believed that having a child would allow her to finally receive what she missed out on as a child. A child would give her the attunement, love, admiration and attention that she missed out on from her own parents. Her child, before they were even born, would have had their role set out for them. Repeating The Past Along with this, there are likely to be many other reasons why a mother, who couldn’t love but wasn’t aware of this, both had and kept her child. Ultimately, as she was likely to have been deeply wounded as a child and hadn’t become aware of let alone dealt with any of her issues, she passed on what was done to her. This is an example of how one generation passes on what was done to them, while being totally oblivious to what is taking place. What this emphasises is how important self-awareness and healing are when it comes to drawing the line. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Need To Realise That He Is Not His Mothers Parent?25/11/2023
Unless a man is working, he could be doing something for his mother. And, even if he is not doing something for her, he could spend a lot of time thinking about her and what he should be doing for her.
If so, as opposed to his mother being another person in his life, she will be the centre of his life. This will mean that he will be her son but he will act more like her parent. Self-Neglect Naturally, this is going to cause him to overlook a number of his needs and this will greatly deprive him. The trouble is that although he will be giving a lot and receiving very little, he might not be aware of this. The average person could see that he is behaving in a way that is not serving him, but if this is just what is normal, it won’t be something that stands out. This is likely to show that he doesn’t have a very good connection with himself. Totally Oblivious If he was firmly rooted in his body and aware of his needs and feelings, it would be clear that he is behaving in the wrong way. Furthermore, behaving in this way wouldn’t interest him. Until he arrives at this point, though, he is likely to continue to turn his back on himself. Yet, as he is behaving in a way that is not serving him, it might not be long until he is no longer able to behave in this way. The Other Part What can play a part in why he behaves in this way is that his mother could expect him to be there for her. She is then not going to see him as a separate individual who has his own life to lead. No, she can see him as nothing more than her possession and, therefore, his sole purpose will be to meet her needs. With this in mind, even if he were to assert himself and make it clear that he has his own life to lead, she could soon criticise him or do what she can to make him feel guilty. Role Reversal What this is likely to illustrate is that although his mother is an adult, she is developmentally stunted and deeply wounded. This is why she sees him as a parental figure and is unable to accept that he is an individual. Irrespective of whether she is aware of this, deep down, she will still be trying to receive what she missed out on during her formative years. She will have unconsciously made her son into the parent that she wanted but never had. Waking Up Anyway, assuming that he was to arrive at the point where he no longer feels comfortable behaving in this way, he could wonder what is going on. Part of him will see that he needs to change his behaviour. But, another, stronger part of him could give him the need to continue to behave in this way. Due to this, it could seem as though his mother is in control of him and there is very little that he can do. Isolated What could also enter his mind is that as he is so focused on his mother, there is no one in his life who is there for him. His mother, on the other hand, will be able to rely on him to be there for her. He could see that for most of his life, he has ignored his own needs and covered up how he really feels. If he were to look deeper, he could find that he feels ashamed of his needs and feelings and believes that he will be rejected and abandoned if he reveals them. Two Options Based on this, it will be a case of him being there for his mother and ignoring himself, or putting himself first and his life coming to an end. It can be as if he is in an invisible prison that he will never get out of. As a result, it won’t matter that he is now a man and not a boy as he won’t feel like one. He won’t have a strong sense of himself and be connected to his power, which is why he will act like he is nothing more than an extension of his mother. The Main Point He won’t be able to fully accept his now but the truth is that he is on this planet to live his own life. This will involve him freely expressing who he is, not merely playing a role that allows him to please his mother. Most likely, his mother turned him into the parent that she wanted but never had during his formative years. Instead of receiving what he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have been deeply wounded and forced to adapt to her needs. A Natural outcome By being treated in this way, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and would have been forced to create a disconnected false self. Not adapting in this way would have caused him to suffer even more. Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent child but as a big part of him will be frozen in time, he won’t have been able to move on from this stage of his life. This is why he is still playing a role that he was forced to play from a very young age and doesn’t know, at an emotional level, that his mother is no longer in control of whether he lives or dies. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: What Does A Woman Need To Do If She Ends Up With Mother-Enmeshed Men?25/11/2023
After having been up with a number of men who were focused on their mothers and were not available, a woman can be angry and frustrated. But, as she will have given a lot and received very little, this is not a surprise.
What may also play a part in this is that she could believe that she has wasted so much of her life trying to make men who are unavailable, available. So, at this point, she could be desperate for this area of her life to change. Totally Helpless Nonetheless, there can be another part of her that doesn’t believe that this area of her life will ever change. As far as this part of her is concerned, this can be how her life will always be, that is unless something miraculous takes place. This part of her is likely to be a consequence of the experiences that she has had over the years. She could come to the conclusion that it is best for her to stay single and focus on other areas of her life. A Strong Need But, even if she does come to this conclusion, she probably won’t be able to do this for very long. The reason for this is that her need to connect with a man who is available won’t disappear. If this need was then covered up and she was to focus on other areas of her life, it might not be long until it makes itself known once again. This could end up being a time when this need will cause her to do something that she will regret. Stepping back Anyway, if she has been told over the years that she deserves to be with a man who is available, this can make it even harder for her to understand what is going on. She will have repeatedly been told one thing, only to repeatedly have experiences that tell her otherwise. The friends and perhaps family who have made this clear will want her to be happy and to be in a loving relationship. Even so, if they have only said positive things to her and haven’t encouraged her to look deeper into why this area of her life is this way, what they have said will have held her back. A Strange Scenario After hearing this, she could question how she could be being held back by their support. Still, this is not to say that they will be secretly conspiring against her. No, these people are likely to want what is best for her and truly believe that she deserves to be with a man who is available. The point here is that these people are likely to believe that they themselves, along with their friend, are simply an observer of reality and thus, what they do or don’t experience is largely defined by external sources. A Natural Consequence By having this view, a view that is largely seen as the truth in today’s world, it will be possible for someone to be deserving of something and yet, not have what they want because of what is going on ‘out there’. The type of support and feedback that they give will then be a reflection of their view of the nature of reality. And, in all likelihood, she is also likely to believe that what is going on ‘out there’ is defining this area of her life. But, as she will live in a society, and probably has for her whole life, that is built on the view that everyone and everything is separate, this is to be expected. A Different Angle However, although her mind and eyes will create the impression that she is separate from what is going on out there and, thus, just happens to end up with men who are not available, this is an illusion. In reality, she is not separate from what is going on ‘out there’. Additionally, what is going on inside her defines whether she can or can’t experience something. Now, if her mind hasn’t dismissed this and even if it has but she has been able to detach from what has arisen, she could wonder what is taking place inside her that is preventing her from experiencing what she desires. Two Levels What could make this hard for her to accept is that she wants to be with a man who is available. Due to this, it won’t be as if her inner world is out of alignment with what it is that she wants. While this will be true, what she will need to keep in mind is that she doesn’t begin and end with her conscious mind. What she will also have is an unconscious mind and this part of her will be bigger and far more impactful than her conscious sense of themselves. Going Deeper This other, hidden part of her will contain pain, unmet developmental needs, adult needs and parts of herself that have been rejected, among other things. If this part of her and the impact that it has is not taken into account, this area of her life as well as others won’t make any sense. But, if this part of her and the impact that it has is taken into account, it will allow her to gradually see why this area of her life is this way. One way for her to start to reconnect to the material that is held inside this part of her is to explore what took place during her formative years. Back In Time If she was to do this, what she may find is that this was a stage of her life when her mother and/or father were emotionally unavailable and unable to love her. This would then have caused her to be wounded and deeply deprived. To handle what was going on, her brain would have automatically repressed the pain that she was in and a number of her developmental needs. The trouble is that that even though she will now be an adult and it will be too late for her to meet these needs, she will unconsciously be trying to receive what she missed out on, with this being why she continually ends up with men who are not available. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to think about something that they wanted to attain or experience, they could soon think about what it is that they need to do to achieve their goal. So, a number of steps could enter their mind, and, before long, they could take the first step.
As the days, weeks and perhaps months pass, they can see how far they have come and how close they are to having what they want. Further, they could generally be full of self-belief and know that it’s only a matter of time before they hit their target. A Smooth process Assuming that this does take place, they could end up having even more self-belief and think about what they would like to achieve next. This could show that they are used to achieving their goals. Alternatively, they could take action but find that they are unable to make much progress. Or, they could end up making progress and even getting close to their goal, only to end up going backwards. A Frustrating Experience Due to this, even if they started off feeling confident and believed that they had what it takes to achieve their goal, they will now be in a very different place. This might not be the first time that this has taken place either, with them continually ending up in this position. What could make this harder to handle is that there could be people in their life who don’t appear to have the same issue. They could come to the conclusion that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back. Another Angle However, although it may seem as though someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back or that they are simply unlucky, what if there is more to it? What if what is going on within them is what is actually holding them back? What this comes down to is that it is not just what they do that defines what they experience; this is just one part. What is going on for them internally is the other part, with this being the most important. Two Parts When they think about what they want to achieve, their mind will create the impression that it is ‘out there’. Based on this, they are separate from what they want and need to do the right things to attain it. In reality, this is an illusion that their mind creates as they are not separate from anyone or anything. And, as they are not separate from what they want to attain, it means that the doing part is only part of what will allow them to have what they want. The Other Part Along with what they do, their inner world will need to energetically align with what it is that they want. As, in addition to them not being separate from anyone or anything, they, along with everyone and everything ’out there’, are made up of vibrating energy. Therefore, although they, and everyone and everything else, will appear to be solid, this is not the case. This is why they can do all the right things but if they are not vibrating at the same frequency as what they want to attain, they won’t be able to achieve their goal or if they do, they won’t be able to sustain it for very long. The Next Step If they are on board with this and are able to accept that they and everyone and everything else is made up of vibrating energy, they could wonder how they can energetically align themselves with what it is that they want to attain. Right now, this could appear to be something that is more or less impossible. But, while this may appear to be impossible, they simply need to use their imagination. By imagining what it would be like to have what they want, they will be energetically aligning themselves with what they want. All the Parts This will then be a time when all their senses are involved, and they will think and feel as though they already have what they want. They will then be resonating at the same frequency as what they want to attain or experience. Their mind could kick in at this point and say that they are imagining something that is not real. Nonetheless, this doesn’t matter as there is only the now moment, which is why they have to imagine that they already have what they want to attain or are experiencing what they want to experience. Magnetism Naturally, as their mind creates the impression that there is a past, present and future, it is to be expected that this part of them would struggle to accept that there is only now. And, by using their imagination in this way and energetically aligning with what they want to attain or experience, what they want will start to want them. This is not something that they will need to do once and that’s the end of it, though; they will need to continually do this. If they start to notice that they are getting frustrated and are strongly attached to having or experiencing something, this will create a block as they will no longer be energetically aligned. Awareness The other part of this will be for them to take inspired action, as opposed to action that is coming from a place of desperation or force. Additionally, they may have emotional wounds to face and resolve. The reason for this is that they don’t just begin and end with their conscious mind and what is going on for them at a deeper level can hold them back. For example, deep down, they might not feel safe enough or worthy of having or experiencing something.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk False Self: Can Someone Have The Need To Hide Themselves If They Had A Highly Critical Parent?24/11/2023
What can be normal is for someone to hide how they feel and a number of their needs. Consequently, when they are around others, they are going to typically put on an act and hide who they are.
This can mean that they will generally come across as though they are fine and that nothing is bothering them. Along with this, they could largely be easy-going and happy to go along with what others want. A Mask However, although who they are will seldom see the light of day around others, most of the people in their life might not be aware of this. This can show that they are caught up with their own needs. Then again, they could be just as disconnected from themselves. What this will do is prevent them from being able to tune into what is really going on. A Miserable Existence Not being seen and heard by others is going to take its toll on their mental and emotional health. This comes down to the fact that they are an interdependent human being. Thus, having human contact is likely to be better than not having any but as they are not seen and heard, it won’t be as nourishing as it would be otherwise. But, if living in this way is normal, they probably won’t pay attention to the feedback that arises to let them know that they are out of alignment with themselves. The Signs So, they could often feel frustrated and down, with these inner states being there to let them know that they are not showing up and being seen and heard. Yet, instead of paying attention to this information, they could end up doing something to avoid how they feel. And, this can be something that takes place so quickly, that they are not even aware of what they are doing. This will show that a big part of them doesn’t want to face up to what is going on. Many Parts The part of them that does want to express who they are and be seen and heard is then going to be dominated by another part of them that doesn’t. This will show that they are in a place of conflict. Nonetheless, sooner or later, they could get to the point where they no longer have the desire or energy to behave in this way. If they do, they can end up wondering why their life is this way. Resistance To gain a deeper understanding of what is going on, they could imagine that they were to freely express themselves and no longer hide behind a mask. This can end up being a time when they will feel alive and greatly relieved. But, after a while, their inner experience could change, with them feeling anxious and fearful. What this will then do is give them the need to go back to how they were before. Confusion After having this inner experience, they wonder why freely expressing themselves and being seen and heard for who they are feels so uncomfortable. What could enter their mind is that what is going on for them is irrational. Even so, if they were to take a closer look at what took place during their formative years, what is going on for them as an adult might start to make sense. This may have been a time when they grew up in an environment that was anything but nurturing. Back In Time One or both of their parents might have been very critical and cruel. Being put down, criticised and made fun of would then have been the rule as opposed to the exception. They would have been sent the message that it wasn’t safe for them to be themselves and that there was something inheritably wrong with them. To handle this, they would have gradually lost touch with a number of their needs and feelings and created a disconnected false self. A Continuation Being treated in this way and not being loved for who they were would have deeply wounded them and deprived them of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life but they won’t have truly moved on. A big part of them will still believe that they live in an environment where it is not safe for them to be themselves. Doing so will be seen as something that will cause them to be humiliated, rejected and perhaps abandoned. Moving Forward Most if not all of the pain that they experienced and repressed will be held inside them, along with a number of their unmet developmental needs. This inner material will be playing a big part in why a big part of them is stuck in the past. To let go of this inner material, they will need to face and work through this pain and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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