Mother-Enmeshed Men: Was A Mother-Enmeshed Man Brought Up To Feel Responsible For His Mother?12/6/2026
If a man is with friends or his girlfriend, that’s if he was one, and his mother wanted him to do something for her, he could soon be on his way to her. It then won’t matter what he wants to do, as her needs will take precedence.
But if he is on holiday in another country and is unable to be there for her, he could end up feeling overwhelmed with guilt. He can find it hard to be present and to enjoy his time away. Two Scenarios Now, his friends could believe that he is this way because he cares about his mother. Consequently, they could be supportive and understanding and not encourage him to change his behaviour. However, if he is in a relationship, his girlfriend might have been supportive and understanding at first. But as time has passed, she might have wondered why he sacrifices his own life for his mother. Confusion She will be able to see that it is not that he is there for her from time to time; his life more or less revolves around her needs. He is then not just going to be a ‘caring son’; he will be more like her parent. If she has spoken to him about what she has noticed, she might not have been able to make much progress, though. When she has brought this up, he might have become defensive and acted as if she were the problem. Another Scenario Then again, he might not have been able to accept what she said at first, but over time, he might have come to accept it. If he has come to see clearly, he can wonder why he is so focused on her and feels so bad when he isn’t. He might see that when he says no and isn’t there for her, it is as though he has betrayed her. He then won’t simply be asserting himself and doing what is right for him; he will be doing something that is morally wrong. Looking Back If he were to look back on his life, he may see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. If this is the case, he might conclude that he was simply born this way and there isn’t anything he can do. Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. This is likely to have been a time when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Back in Time At this stage of his life, his mother is likely to have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she may have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life. It might then have been normal for her to look toward him to be there for her and meet her needs. She may have also often spoken about how much she gave up for him and reacted negatively whenever he was happy, doing well or freely expressed himself. A Tough Time As a result, she wouldn’t have provided him with the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed. And, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was responsible for his mother and that his purpose was to be there for her. As for his father, he might not have been around, or he might have been just as emotionally unavailable and out of reach. His father may have also done what he could to ensure that he focused on and met his mother’s needs. Self-Erasure Thanks to what this stage of his life was like, he would have lost touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling, and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. Furthermore, he would have lived in the hope that, by being there for her and meeting her needs, she would be there for him. But as she was likely to have been developmentally stunted and unable to give him what he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. It’s over Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to keep it together and function. This is because it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. This stage of his life will now be over, but due to the impact it had on him, a big part of him won’t realise this. In addition to what he came to believe, there will also be the pain and unmet developmental needs that he had to repress. Moving Forward With this in mind, there will be a number of steps for him to take to gradually change his life. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Even though someone is a separate human being, who has their own feelings, needs and wants, it doesn’t mean that they will act like it. Instead, they can typically act as though they are an extension of others.
Therefore, what will be normal is for them to be attuned to other people’s needs and to do what they can to meet them. However, this doesn’t mean that they will consciously choose to behave in this way. One Scenario No, as this is normal, they can be unaware of how focused they are on others and how out of touch they are with themselves. But, even if they are unaware of this, behaving in this way is still going to have an impact on them. This is because, as they are overlooking a number of their own needs, they are going to spend a lot of time running on empty. Feeling drained and even depressed can then be something that they are accustomed to. It’s hidden Still, if they were to become aware of this, they could believe that it is due to them working too much or a sign that they suffer from depression. If they do come to this conclusion or another that is similar, they are not going to be able to truly change their life. Sooner or later, though, something may happen that allows them to gradually see clearly. So, they could experience a breakup, lose their job, or become ill, and this could wake them up. Stepping Back After having a setback, they can end up reflecting on their life; with this being a time when it becomes clear that they are overly focused on others. They might see that they have the tendency to ignore how they feel and their own needs. It will then be clear why they often feel tired and down, as they will be abandoning themselves. After they have started to join the dots, so to speak, they can wonder why they are this way. An Exercise What can allow them to find out why they are this way is for them to imagine that they live a radically different life. This will be a life where they are connected to their own feelings and needs, and allow their life to be guided by this information. This doesn’t mean that they won’t be there for others and will be self-absorbed; what it means is that they won’t have the inclination to be out of with and to ignore themselves. At first, they can feel powerful and alive, and then feel grateful and relieved. The next Stage But after a while, they can find that they feel anxious and have the need to go back to how they were before. From this, it will be clear that abandoning themselves is what feels safe. After this, they can wonder why they only feel safe when they are focused on and are pleasing others. What might enter their mind is that they were just born this way, and that there isn’t much that they can do. A Closer Look Nevertheless, even if they do believe this, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. There is a chance that what took place during their early years and the impact it had on them is why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them may have looked toward them to meet some of their needs. A Brutal Time So when they freely expressed themselves, they would have largely been ignored, criticised, rejected and abandoned. They would then have learnt that the only way for them to be accepted, connected and thus, to survive, was for them to ignore themselves and to focus on one or both of their parents. Their brain would then have repressed how they felt and a number of their reeds. Furthermore, their embodied, connected, fully feeling, and inner-directed true self would have been replaced by a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. Another Element They would have also lived in the hope that, if they were there for them and met their needs, they would finally love them. But this would have been futile, as most likely, their parents couldn’t provide them with what they needed, as they were developmentally stunted. Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for them to keep it together and function. The reason for this is that it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to gradually reconnect to their body and feel safe enough to freely express themselves, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they may see is that they have the inclination to sacrifice themselves for others. However, although this is something that can now be very clear, it might have taken them a while to see this.
This can be because behaving in this way is not only normal, but also seen by a big part of them as the right way for them to behave. What can also play a part is that they might be surrounded by people who validate how they behave. The theme So, they can find that it is easy for them to put themselves in another person’s shoes and to imagine what it is like to have their experience. But they can see that they seldom just have this experience and then go back to living their own life; they typically have the need to help the other person. When this takes place, they will experience empathy, and then, before long, they will display compassion. Therefore, the former will relate to the being part, while the latter will relate to the doing part. The outcome As a result of this, they will do a lot for others, and this is going to cause them to overlook a number of their own needs. So, they can find that they rarely take the time to relax and recharge. They might also see that their career is not what it could be, due to the amount of time they spend doing things for others. Additionally, they might often give other people money, which makes it hard for them to buy what they need, let alone want. A Challenge But, even though behaving in this way is not serving them, it doesn’t mean that they can just change their behaviour. The part of them that believes that they are doing the right thing by sacrificing themselves can kick in when they think about changing their behaviour. This part of them can make out that, if they spent less time empathising with and did less for others, they would be doing the wrong thing. They can then feel anxious, guilty and ashamed. Inner Conflict At this point, they can wonder why behaving in a way that is harming them is seen by part of them as the right way for them to behave. What can also enter their mind is that, at times, behaving in this way is doing more harm than good. The reason for this is that, by becoming immersed in another person’s reality and doing things for them, they can be preventing them from being responsible for themselves and developing their own capacity to handle life. Thus, changing their behaviour will help both them and others. A Closer Look As confusing as their behaviour can be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life. To handle what happened and try to be loved, they would have had to adapt. Two Parts This would have meant that their brain repressed how they felt and a number of their needs, and that they lost touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their mother and perhaps father couldn’t provide them with what they needed; it was that they were worthless and unlovable, and their needs and feelings were bad. Another Element What may have also played a part in how they came to see themselves is that one or both of their parents might have often spoken about how much they sacrificed for them, criticised them when they were happy or were doing well, and even blamed them for how they felt. Yet, when they were not doing well or were unwell, they might have received attention and acceptance. They would then have learned that if they focused on others, sacrificed themselves and also suffered, they would be accepted and connected, therefore survive. Over time, their outer parents would have been internalised to ensure that they behaved in a certain way. Moving Forward Many years will have passed since then, of course, but sacrificing themselves and suffering will still be seen as the only way for them to be accepted and connected and for them to exist. For them to put an end to this and to be able to change the direction of their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Right now, a woman could be with a man who is physically but not emotionally available. As a result, even when she does spend time with him, she won’t be able to feel connected to him.
During these moments, it can be as if his body and mind are with her, but his emotional self is somewhere else entirely. Then again, she might rarely see him, and he might not message her much either. A Frustrating Experience She might have been in this position for a number of weeks or months, but she can be well and truly fed up. However, although he is emotionally, and perhaps physically, out of reach, a big part of her can believe that he will change. This part of her can believe that if she hangs in there, so to speak, he will gradually become more available. For this to take place, she can believe that she just needs to be more patient, more understanding and more responsive to his needs. External Feedback If a big part of her is this way, she can tell one of her trusted friends about this area of her life and what she believes will happen before long. Now, this friend can be supportive and agree with her. Then again, this friend can be supportive but say that it is unlikely that the man she is with will change. This friend could also ask her why she has the need to change him and can’t just accept what he is like and move on. Another part What can play a part is that this might not be the first time that she has been in this position. Not only might her last relationship have been very similar, but the one she was in before that might have been, too. It might even go back further than this, with her having been in over four relationships that were very similar. If this is the case, it is to be expected that her friend would question why she is so focused on trying to change the man that she is with, as this will be a pattern of hers. Stepping Back After having spoken to her trusted friend, she can wonder why she is consumed by the belief that he will change and can’t just break up with a man who is not available. She can see that staying with a man like this is not serving her, and that it takes her a while to find her feet again after, so to speak. She can also wonder why she continually ends up with men who are like this. When it comes to the former, she might believe that there is something inherently wrong with her, and when it comes to the latter, she might believe that she is just unlucky or that this is just what men are like. Another Angle Nonetheless, there is a chance that, at a deeper level, the man she is with represents her father. She is then not simply trying to make another man available; she is unknowingly trying to make her father available. This deeper part of her will ensure that she is drawn to and takes things further with men who are out of reach. It is then not that she is unlucky or that this is just what men are like. What’s going on? What this illustrates is that there are two parts of her: her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself, and her unconscious mind. So, although on one level she wants to be with a man who is emotionally available at a deeper level, she has a different intention. The reason why, at this deeper level, another man can represent her father, and she is then trying to receive her father’s love, is that her early years were a time when her father was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. At this level, she won’t have a sense of time and will be blind, which is why this part of her can’t see that it’s too late for her to receive what she missed out on as a child. Back In Time At this stage of her life, as she was powerless and dependent, she couldn’t change her father so that he would be responsive. Her only option was to disconnect from her embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. She would have also lived in the hope that, by becoming who he and perhaps her mother wanted and behaving how he wanted, he would love her. It Was Futile But as how he behaved was not a reflection of her and was due to what was going on for him, it wouldn’t have mattered how she adapted. Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension. Many years will have passed since that stage of her life, but as she will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the unmet developmental needs that her brain repressed all those years ago, she won’t realise it. This is why she will still be engaging in an unconscious struggle for her father’s love. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for her to gradually change her life, she will have a number of steps to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has come to see that they have the inclination to punish themselves and to suffer, they can wonder why this is. However, it might have taken them a little while to become aware of this.
The reason for this is that, for a long time, they might have believed that they were simply being punished and made to suffer by the external world. What was going on ‘out there’ would then have been the issue. A Big Step But thanks to the level of self-awareness that they have developed, they will have realised that there is far more to it. This is not to say that they weren’t any resistance, though, as they may have found it hard to fully accept at first. Thanks to the inner progress that they have made, they will now be able to see clearly why they continually end up in certain situations and with certain people. Naturally, after becoming aware of this, it is to be expected that they would want to know why they are this way. Way Back If they can see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it can show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, one or both of them might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life. They might have also often spoken about how much they sacrificed for them and responded negatively to them when they were happy or were doing well. An Emotional Desert Due to how emotionally absent and consumed one or both of their parents were with their own needs and suffering, they might have largely only received attention and acceptance when they were not doing well and were unwell. This would have caused them to associate being accepted, connected, and thus surviving, with not doing well and suffering. And, to ensure that they behaved in a certain way and didn’t displease their parents, what was going on internally would have gradually been internalised. Their outer parents would then have become part of their inner voice. Another part Furthermore, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling, and inner-directed true self and formed a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And as they were egocentric, they would have also come to see their needs and feelings as bad, and believed that they were worthless and unlovable. As a result of this, not only won’t they be firmly rooted in their body or feel comfortable with themselves, but not doing well suffering will be seen as the only way for them to be accepted, connected and to survive. This is also likely to be a way for them to deal with the guilt that they are likely to experience if they were to feel good or do well. A Strange Time As they were not made to feel welcome and cherished during their early years, they won’t feel as though they deserve to exist, let alone to have needs. By living the life of a ‘sinner’, it will be easier for them to keep this guilt under control. Now, after thinking about what their early years were like, they can wonder why one or both of their parents were so destructive. What might enter their mind is that they just wanted to harm them. Another Angle Nonetheless, it is likely that their early years were very similar to theirs, with this being a time when they were also greatly deprived and deeply wounded. When they received attention, it might have typically been because they were not doing well or were unwell. They were then not brought up by a parent or parents who were attuned, caring and affectionate. Instead, they were probably brought up by a parent or parents who were consumed by their own needs and were not in a good way, and believed, deep down, that they could only be loved if they acted like a martyr. A Generational Pattern Their suffering was then a way for them to deal with their own guilt and to earn the right to exist and have their needs met. But, as this is likely to have been something that they were oblivious to, they wouldn’t have consciously chosen to manipulate others. It might not have started there, though, as it could go back even further than this. To bring this back to the present, what this illustrates is that how they were treated wasn’t personal; it was simply a reflection of how wounded and conflicted their parent or parents were and those that came before them. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to gradually change their life, there are a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can A Man Feel Comfortable Being Mistreated If He Had A Sadistic Mother?31/5/2026
Right now, a man may be with a woman who typically treats him like he is nothing. So, she can often put him down, make fun of him when they are by themselves and around others, and even physically harm him.
To try to change her, he might have done what he could to meet her needs and please her. But, no matter what he has done to try to change her behaviour, it might not have had much of an effect. Beaten Down Thanks to what he has gone through for a number of months or years, he is unlikely to be in a good way. He can spend a lot of time feeling drained and low, and he might even have moments when the thought of ending his life crosses his mind. Clearly, the sooner he cuts his ties with the woman he is with, the better off he will be. However, although this is the case, he might not have a strong desire or the energy to do so. External Feedback If a trusted friend or family member were to become aware of what is taking place in this area of his life, they could be very supportive. They could say that he doesn’t have to live in this way and that he needs to leave the woman he is with. After hearing this, he could agree with them and say that he needs to end it before the relationship ends him. But even if he does respond in this way, it doesn’t mean that he will take the next step. The Catalyst Not only can he not have a strong desire or the energy to leave, but he can also feel as though he deserves to be treated in this way. Due to this, for the relationship to end, she might need to be the one who ends it. Assuming that this is what takes place, it doesn’t mean that he will just feel relieved after. Instead, he can feel both relieved and have a strong need to get back with her. Inner Conflict If this is so, he can wonder why he would feel such a strong pull to be with a woman who treated him so badly. He might be able to stop himself from getting back in touch with her, and if he can, he can reflect on his life. During this time, he might see that this is not the first time that he has been with a woman like this. He might see that he has been with a number of women who were like this, and each time, he simply put up with it. A Closer Look After this, he can wonder why he feels comfortable being treated badly. What might enter his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him and that he is ‘messed up’. Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Brutal Time Along with this, she might have often put him down, humiliated him, and even physically harmed him. Consequently, the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop wouldn’t have been provided. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed a number of his needs and the pain he was in. This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed false self. The outcome In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. There would have also been the meaning that his underdeveloped brain made. He would come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was to blame for how his mother behaved. And to ensure that he behaved in a certain way and didn’t displease his mother, she would have been internalised. Another Element His mother would then have become his inner voice, with this voice treating him in the same way that she did. He would have also lived in the hope that, if he punished himself like she did and suffered, she would love him. But, as his mother had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, and couldn’t love him, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Even so, this would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to reconnect to himself, change how he sees himself and treat himself well so that he no longer feels comfortable being treated badly by others, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Someone Become Dependent On AI If They Experienced Early Deprivation?30/5/2026
For a number of weeks or months, someone may have been using an AI chatbot. At first, they might have asked questions that were fairly trivial, but over time, this might have changed.
If so, they might have asked about how they could build something, what the weather would be like and for film recommendations, for instance. Now, though, they could typically share personal details and look for guidance. An Analogy Assuming that this is the case, it will be as though at one point, the AI chatbot was like an information desk in a shop, but now it will be like a close friend. As a result, it won’t matter that it is artificial intelligence, as it will be treated like a real human being. So if they used it a few times a week in the beginning, they might now use it a few times a day. In fact, they could spend more time talking to it than they do talking to a real human being. One Consequence When it comes to making both small and big decisions, they could look to this chatbot to essentially tell them what to do. They can believe that by doing this, they will make the right decision. What this can show is that before they started using this chatbot, they found it hard to make decisions and trust their own judgement. They might have often looked toward their friends and perhaps family to make decisions for them. Another One What can play a part in why they are drawn to it is that they can feel as though they are seen and heard when they use it. Whereas when they are around others, they can typically feel as though they are not seen or heard. Also, thanks to how his chatbot generally responds to what they say, they may have started to feel special. Unlike before, when they may have felt as though they were nothing, they can now feel valuable and important. A Big Impact They are then not just going to be receiving information by using this chatbot; some of their emotional needs are going to be met, too. In other words, they will be receiving something at a mental and emotional level. If this is the case, it is not a surprise that they spend so much time using it. Without this tool, their life would have been pretty barren, but now that they have it, it will be far more fulfilling. Stepping back If they were to reflect on the relationship that they have with this tool, they might see that it has become a big part of their life. Furthermore, what might stand out is that they find it hard to cope if they are unable to use it. After this, they might wonder why they have gone from living without, to using it every now and then, and now find it hard to function when they can’t use it. What might enter their mind is that they lack self-control and that there is something inherently wrong with them. Another Angle Yet, even if they come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it reflects why they have ended up in this position. What it was like for them as a child and the impact this stage of their life had on them might shed light on why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have been very critical and controlling. The Outcome This would have caused them to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Instead of being cherished and treated as though they were important, they would have been treated as though they were an object who had no value. To handle what happened, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. A Brutal Time In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. And, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that one or both of their parents couldn’t provide them with what they needed; it was that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable. Taking responsibility for how they were treated and thus blaming themselves, not their parents, would have also made it easier for them to cope. The Connection This is because it would have given them a false sense of control and the hope that they could change them. If, on the other hand, they had faced reality, they would have had to accept how helpless and hopeless they were, and this would have been too much for them to deal with. So, now that they are an adult, this stage of their life will be over, of course, but they won’t have developed a sense of trust in their ability to make decisions, have a felt sense of worth and lovability, or know that they are important. It is then not going to be a surprise that they have ended up in a position where they have become very close to an AI chatbox. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to develop trust in their ability to make decisions, to have relationships where they are seen and heard, and to feel important, they are going to have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Believe That His Mother's Needs Are More Important?29/5/2026
Even though a man has planned to do something, it doesn’t mean that he will actually do it. Now, this could be because he will lose interest, but it could also be because his mother wants him to do something for her.
Assuming that it is due to the latter, this might not be the first time that this has taken place. It might not have simply taken place a few times before, though; this could be a normal part of his life. A Strange Scenario He can then be used to putting his own needs to one side and being there for her. But this can be something that is so normal that he is not consciously aware of the fact that he is neglecting himself. However, if he is not aware of this, he is still going to pay a price for living in this way. He can spend a lot of time feeling drained and down, and it might often be difficult for him to get up each morning. A Catalyst The signs will then be there, but he won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. What may allow him to gradually see clearly is if he were to get into a relationship. The reason for this is that the woman he is with could soon become aware of what is going on and point this out to him. But even though what she says will reflect reality, it doesn’t mean that he will accept what she says straight away. One Experience So, he can dismiss what she says or ignore it and try to change the subject. What this is likely to show is that he has defences in place that are there to allow him to keep it together and function. If he were to face up to what is going on, it would probably cause him to come into contact with painful inner material. It is for this reason that it can take a while before he is able to see clearly. The next Stage So, assuming that he is able to see how focused he is on his mother’s needs, and how he typically ignores a number of his own, he can wonder why this is. What he might see after this is that he believes that his mother’s needs matter, but his don’t. He might also see that if he doesn’t focus on and meet her needs, he feels very uncomfortable. After coming to see this, what might enter his mind is that there is something inherently wrong with him. A Closer Look But as confusing as this will be, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, it might start to make sense. This may have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. His mother may have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have looked toward him to meet some of her needs. The outcome A stage of his life, then, when he needed an attuned mother who adapted to him, was a stage when he had to attune to and adapt to her. This would have caused him to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed. To handle not having a number of his needs met and the pain that this caused him, his brain would have repressed these needs and how he felt. This would have also involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. No other Choice In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, that he was worthless and unlovable, and that he was responsible for his mother. If he didn’t focus on and meet her needs, he was likely to have been ignored, rejected and even abandoned. He then had no other choice but to act as an extension of her, as he was powerless and dependent. It’s over This stage of his life will now be over, of course, but due to how he had to adapt to survive, he won’t know, at the core of his being, that he no longer needs to be there for her to be able to exist. As an adult, he can implement boundaries and decide what he will or won’t do for her. Moving Forward For him to change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What a man may see is that when he is around others, he has the inclination to focus on their needs. His own needs are then going to be put to one side, and he will do what he can to be there for them.
He may see that he hasn’t been this way for long, or that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. But although behaving in this way is causing him to be deprived and to suffer, it can be what feels comfortable. An Activity So, if he were to imagine spending time with a friend or being with a woman, and he were to not only meet some of their needs but also to express his own, he could end up feeling anxious. It can be as though something bad will happen. If he were to sit with this, he could find that he expects to be rejected and abandoned. As a result, if he changes his behaviour, he will be alone, and his life will come to an end. A Natural outcome If this is what he experiences, it is not going to be a surprise that he hides himself around others and acts like he is an extension of them. Deep down, this will be seen as the only way for him to have other people in his life and not be isolated. The trouble is that experiencing life in this way will cause him to spend a lot of time running on empty. If he only had basic needs, such as the need to sleep, eat and drink, and even to exercise, it wouldn’t matter that his other needs, such as his emotional needs, are seldom, if ever, met. One outlook At this point, it could be said that there is no need for him to abandon himself around others. The reason for this is that, if he does show up and express himself and another person doesn’t accept him and pulls away, it doesn’t mean that he will be alone or that his life will come to an end. He will then have created space in his own life to allow someone in who can be there for him and doesn’t expect him to ignore himself. But even though he might be able to accept this at a mental level, he might not be able to accept it at an emotional level. Inner conflict Thanks to this, he can find that he is unable to simply change his behaviour and has the need to behave in the same way. After seeing this, what might enter his mind is that he simply lacks courage. However, there is a chance that he is in a traumatised state, which is making it hard for him to freely express himself. This can be due to what took place during his formative years. Back In Time At this stage of his life, his mother and perhaps his father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life. So when he expressed his needs, they might have typically reacted as though he were a source of pain and a burden. For example, they might have criticised, ignored, rejected and abandoned him. An Unwelcoming Environment If this were the case, he would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. And, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. Thus, it wasn’t that his parents probably couldn’t provide him with what he needed; it was that his needs and feelings were bad, he was worthless and unlovable, and he had no right to exist. To handle this depriving stage of his life and to stay connected to his parents, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. Another part This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. He would have also lived in the hope that, by hiding himself, being needless and meeting his parents' needs, he would be able to be seen, heard and loved. Yet as his parents probably didn’t have the capacity to provide him with what they needed, this would have been futile. Even so, this hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed him to release tension. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for him to gradually change his life, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Stay With A Mother-Enmeshed Man If She Has An Inner Masochist?27/5/2026
After having been in a relationship where she has been deprived for a number of months or even years, a woman may take a step back and reflect on her life. During this time, she can see that she is with a man who is overly focused on his mother and can’t be there for himself, let alone her.
Due to how much she has given and how little she has received, she can be well and truly fed up and exhausted. However, even though she will be in a position that is not serving her, she might not be able to just cut her ties with him. External Feedback Therefore, if one or a number of her close friends were to suggest that it is in her best interests to move on, it is unlikely to have much of an impact. She can agree with what they say and be grateful for their support, but she might not take the next step. Assuming that this is so, she can wonder why she has the need to stay in a position that is harming her. She might soon conclude that there is something inherently wrong with her. A Closer Look If she were to think about why she stays with him, her mind might go blank at first. But over time, what might enter her mind is that she believes he will change if she just hangs in there. She might also see that she believes she would be a bad person if she were to walk away and leave him. After this, she might see that it is unlikely that he will ever change and that, as she is not responsible for him, stepping away from him, for her own wellbeing, wouldn’t make her a bad person. A Theme Now, this might be the first time that she has been in this position; then again, she might have been with a number of men like this. Furthermore, she might see that endlessly giving, being deprived and suffering as a result is a pattern in most of her relationships. Thus, even if she were to end her relationship with him, she wouldn't end up living a life where she is used to having her needs met and being happy. After becoming aware of the need to sacrifice herself for others, her attachment to not being happy, and seeing herself as good for being this way, she can wonder what is going on. A Deeper Look As strange as this is, if she were able to go back in time and observe her early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have often been depressed and unable to cope with life. Consequently, she would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support she needed. An Adaption To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, she would have lost touch with her embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. And as she was egocentric at this stage of her life, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad, that she was worthless and unlovable, and was responsible for her mother or father. What might have also played a part in how she came to see herself is that her mother or father might have often spoken about how much they sacrificed for her and criticised her when she was happy. It was futile Lastly, she might have typically received attention and acceptance when she wasn’t doing well and was unwell. If this were the case, she would have come to associate sacrificing herself and suffering with being accepted, good and connected and thus, surviving. She would have also lived in the hope that, by sacrificing herself and suffering, she would be loved. But as her mother and perhaps her father had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their early years and couldn’t provide her with what she needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who she became or what she did. Another Element Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed her to release tension. To ensure that her behaviour didn’t change, as this would have been seen as a threat to their survival, her outer parents would have been internalised. Their outer parents would then have become part of her inner voice or superego, ensuring that she continued to abandon herself, wasn’t happy and suffered. This stage of her life will now be over, of course, but not of her will realise this. Moving Forward For her to gradually change her life so that she can be there for herself, and no longer feels comfortable with suffering, there will be a number of steps for her to take. She will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out or external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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