On one hand, there are the people who come across as needy and, on the other hand, there are those who attract these people. It could then be said that these people are going to have a radically different experience when to comes to this area of their life.
If one is used to being needy, they may find that it is a real challenge for them to get their need met on a regular basis. Yet if one doesn’t behave in this way, they could find that it is a real challenge for them to find someone who doesn’t come across as needy. The First Experience When one can relate to the former, it could be as if they are unable to handle life unless they are in a relationship. And even if they are in one, there could still be moments when they feel as though they are missing something. Another way of looking at it would be to say that one has a container than needs to be filed but, no matter how much water is put into it, it doesn’t fill it up. So through being this way, they are naturally going to expect a lot from someone. In The Beginning If one was to meet someone, the other person might not be too concerned about how they behave. The other person could believe that this shows how much they like them, and this could make them feel wanted. But as time passes, they could find that one’s behaviour is too much for them, and they could feel smothered. Through feeling this way, it can cause them to pull away from them. The Same Outcome This person could believe that this will allow them to get some space, and this is because one will realise that their behaviour is having a negative effect on them. Now, there is the chance that this will happen, and their relationship can then improve. At the same time, one could end up coming on even stronger, and this will then cause this person to feel even worse. This will come down to the fact that one’s neediness will increase as they pull away. One Option The other person can then talk to them about how this is affecting them, and this might cause one to change their behaviour. This could then stop their relationship from coming to an end. Alternatively, the other person can decide that they have had enough, and one will end up on their own again. Nevertheless, it might only be a matter of time before one finds someone else and ends up repeating the same scenario all over again. The Ideal When one is experiencing life in this way, it could be said that it will be vital for them to take a step back, and to reflect on their own behaviour. If they are able to do this, it will give them the chance to change their life. They will be able to see that how their behaviour is causing them to push people away and that they expect too much from others. This could then be a time when they will need to reach out for external support. The Second Experience When one can relate to the latter, it could seem as though everyone on the planet is incredibly needy. The people they come into contact with could be more like their children, and this is going to make it hard for them to get their needs met. Thus, if they were to open themselves up to someone, they could soon end up walking away. After they have had an experience like this, they could decide to turn their back on this area of their life. One Focus This could then be a time when they will end up focusing on their career, for instance, and this could be an area of their life that is going very well. So although they might feel as though they don’t have control when it comes to their intimate relationships, they are unlikely to feel the same way when it comes to their career. But while this might be the case, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to turn their back on this area of their life forever. As soon as their need to connect to another person comes to the surface, they might soon look for someone else. Self-Image If someone like this was to describe themselves, they could say that they are extremely independent. This could mean that they try to do things by themselves and rarely ask for help. It will then be important for them to come a across as strong and capable, and they might do everything they can to make sure they don’t come across as venerable. The people who know them could also perceive them in the same way. What’s going on? When one has the tendency to attract people who are extremely needy, it can show that they feel the same at a deeper level. But as they feel ashamed of their needs, it causes them to disconnect from them. Therefore, the people they attract into their life are mirroring back what they are not willing to face within themselves. And not only can this relate to their adults needs; it can also relate to their unmet childhood needs. Early Years This may have been a time when they were treated as though there was something wrong with their needs. So instead of receiving the love and care that they need to develop, they might have had to take care of their caregivers needs instead. This would then have caused them to disconnect from their needs and to act as though they were needless. If they were to get touch with this part of themselves, it could cause them to experience a lot of pain, and they would probably end up being overwhelmed with shame. Awareness Having needs is then going to be seen as something that will cause them to be rejected and abandoned, and this is why they will feel the need to come across as though they are their own island. The pain they experienced during this time through not getting their needs met will have stayed within them. Ultimately, one is an interdependent human being, and there is nothing wrong with having needs. In order for one to change their life, they will need to feel comfortable with their needs and to let go of the pain they experienced through not having them met when they were younger. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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It could be said that the ideal will be for one to take the time to get to know someone before they end up in a relationship with them. This will give them the chance to find out if they are right for each other.
And when they are in this position, it will also be a good idea for them to make sure they are not too needy. As if they have a strong need to be with someone, this could make it harder for them to see clearly. A Distorted Outlook What this comes down to is that when one feels needy, it is going to stop them from being able to operate as a whole human being. The emotional part of them will have taken over and this can mean that their thinking brain will be offline. Therefore, through not allowing this part of them to take over, it will be a lot easier for them to end up with the right person. They will be able to think about what the other person is like and if they are a good match. A Small Part This doesn’t mean that how one feels won’t have an effect on how they see the other person. How they feel is still likely to play a part in how they see the other person, but this won’t be something that has the same impact. For example, if one was caught up in their emotions, they could believe that another person will make them happy. Their life is then going to completely change through being in a relationship. Out of Balance Through having this outlook, one could believe that they are incomplete and, by being with someone else, this will change. The piece that they are missing is then going to be provided the other person. So if one was to end up in a relationship, they could find that they feel good about their life in the beginning. But as time passes, one is likely to find that they will soon return to how they felt at the start. Nowhere to Run Now, this could be a time when one will realise that another person can’t change how they feel about themselves. One could end up taking a step back and looking into what they can do to experience life differently. At the same time, they could believe that they simply need to find someone else. Once they find the right person to complete them, they won’t need to feel the same way ever again. Round in Circles Someone is not going to need to be psychic to see that this person is going to experience a lot of pain in their life. No matter what happens, they will continue to look for someone else to take their pain away. Yet when one is not needy, they are not going to need anyone to complete them. They might simply have the need to share their life with someone, and this is going to show that they don’t feel incomplete. Self-Worth In addition to this, it will be vital for one to make sure that they value themselves; as if they don’t, it might not matter if they are not needy. For example, just because one doesn’t come across as needy, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. At a deeper level, they can feel extremely needy but, when it comes to their day-to-day life, this part of them can be covered up. There could then be moments in their life when they feel the need to be with another person. The Opposite However, as they generally keep their needs at bay, they are likely to attract people who are extremely needy. The people they are drawn to are then going to be a reflection of what is taking place within them. Even so, if one is out of touch with this part of themselves, they could find it hard to understand why they always attract these kinds of people. And as they ignore their own needs, it can show that they feel ashamed of them and that they don’t value themselves. A Lack of Discernment When one doesn’t value themselves, they can end up being drawn to whoever acts interested in them. One can then be used to ending up with people who treat them badly, but this is going to be what feels comfortable. This is not to say that these people will always treat them in this way at the beginning; it could typically take a while for their behaviour to change. If one is not aware of how what is taking place within them is having an effect on who they attract, they could feel like a victim. An Observer As far as they are concerned, these people are just going to appear in their life, and there is not going to be anything that they can do about it. This could then cause one to believe that all men/women are the same. Fortunately, this is a not a random process and, once one begins to value themselves, they will start to attract people who are different. There will then be no reason for one to believe that they have no control over this area of their life. A Closer Look What took place during their younger years may have played a part in how they feel about themselves. This could have been a time when they didn’t receive the love and care that they needed. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist.
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If one is in a position where they don’t feel good about themselves, they may decide to take action. What this can come down to is that they could believe that this is something that will change if they were to become successful.
An Example One could think about someone who is successful and, imagine what their life would be like, if they were to experience life in the same way. This could be someone they know or they could be in the public eye, for instance. Nevertheless, this is likely to be someone who has achieved a certain level of success, and this means that there could be plenty of people who admire them. There could also be a number of people who see them differently. Part of It What this comes down to is that when someone is successful, not everyone is going to see them in the same way. On one hand, there will be what this person is like and, on the other hand, there will be what is going on for the person who does or doesn’t like them. As even though someone can be a good role model to others and have had a positive effect on the world, it doesn’t mean that everyone will be able to recognise this. What can stop them from being able to see this is what is taking place within them. Projection Someone can then end up placing the parts of themselves that they don’t like onto the person who is successful. The reason they don’t like this person is then going to be because they have dumped their own issues onto them. Therefore, as they this has taken place without them realising it, it is going to be normal for them to experience a strong reaction when they see them, hear about them, or even think about them. This whole process is then going to take place unconsciously, and one will believe that they are simply observing their behaviour. One Part Yet, if one was to focus on all the good things that they believe will happen though being successful, they won’t need to get too caught up in this. One could think about how they will feel, how people would respond to them, and how they would be seen. So, through being this way, there will be no reason for them to feel as they do in this moment of their life. Perhaps, this is how they have felt for as long as they can remember. The Goal of Life It could be said that it will be normal for one to believe that success is the answer to their problems, and this is due to what is valued in today’s world. If one is doing well in their career and they make a lot of money, they can be seen as someone who has ‘made it’, so to speak. Based on this and what one will believe will happen when they experience life in this way, it is to be expected that they would want to be successful. This doesn’t mean that this will always take place when someone feels this way, as they could end up accepting how they feel. Resistance When this happens, one might not feel the need to do anything about how they feel, and it will end up defining their life. They are unlikely to achieve a lot, and it will probably be relatively easy for other people to see that they don’t value themselves. Yet, when one has the desire to be successful, it will show that they are not willing to do this. How they feel about themselves will be what will drive them forward; this will be their fuel. The Next Step But before they can take action, they will need to decide what it is that they want to achieve. And although they may end up having one thing in mind, they could have a number of things. Still, the sooner they take action, the sooner they will be able to attain their goal/s. When it comes to what they want to pursue, it could relate to what matters to them, or it could be the result of what is seen as being valuable by society. One Direction During this time, there are likely to be setbacks, and one might even have moments when they wonder if what they are doing is worth the effort. This will be a time when they will need to focus on why they are doing this, and to keep going. Once they get to where they want to be, they could find that they feel even better than they expected. At the same time, they may find that they don’t feel any different or, if they do, it might not last for very long. Another Goal One could then come to believe that they need to achieve something else and, once this has taken place, they will feel different. It will then be vital for them to get their head down and to work hard. It might not be long until one has achieved what they want to achieve, but they could feel just like they did before. Therefore, if one is able to take a step back, it will be clear that this approach is not working. Another Angle One way of looking at this would be to say that one has tried to avoid how they feel by being successful. This is then no different to using drink, alcohol or sex to feel different; it is just that success is rarely seen something that people use to avoid how they feel. When someone tries to use success to feel different, it will be the same as trying to clean the inside of a window by cleaning the outside. Clearly, this is not going to work; it will only take place when the inside is cleaned. Going In If it is not possible for one to feel good about themselves, it can be the result of what took place when they were younger. This might have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. And so through being treated in this way, it would have caused then to feel as though they were completely worthless. This might have been something that permeated their whole being, as opposed to something they simply came to believe. Awareness In order for one realise that their value is based on who they are and not on what they do, they might need to work with a therapist. This will give them the chance to look at what is taking place within them and to let it go.
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If one is into self-development, they may have heard about how important it is for them to live their own life and not to please other people. As if they were to do what they can to please others, it is going to stop them from being able to fulfil their own needs.
Therefore, instead of their life being a reflection of their true-self, it will end up being a reflection of their false-self. And this false-self will be made up of who other people want them to be and who they think they want them to be. A Half-Life One is then going to have their own life to lead, but it won’t be possible for them to truly live their own life. It will be similar to someone getting into another person’s car even though they have their own car. And this is not going to be something that happens on the odd occasion, it will be something that always takes place. As a result of this, one will have to go wherever this person wants to go. Hidden It is then not going to matter if they are around people or if they go out into the world, as they are not going to be able to live their own life. In general, their true-self is not going to be able to see the light of day. If one is aware of this, this is naturally going to cause them to experience a lot of pain. Yet, if one is in a position where they are more or less completely focused on other people, this pain could be kept at bay. One Purpose In this case, one could believe that it is their duty to please other people, and there is then going to be no reason for them to change their behaviour. Through having this outlook, if they were to get annoyed about what is taking place, they could soon disconnect from how they feel. How they feel could be seen as being caused by something else, and this will stop them from understanding what is going on. So if they were to end up feeling depressed, for instance, it could be seen as being caused by their genetics. Positive Feedback What will also play a part here is that one is likely to receive approval from other people, and this will have a positive effect on them. If they focus on how these people respond to them, it will stop them from having to face their true feelings. And as these people are responding in this way, it can be seen as a sign that they are on the right track. As if they were doing the wrong thing, then these people wouldn’t behave in the same way. It’s Always There One could then find that they generally feel good and, out of nowhere, they end up feeling down. This is likely to be a sign that their true-self is trying to get through to them, and this part of them is not simply going to disappear. And as this part of them is going to spend a lot time being pushed out of their awareness, it is not going to be a surprise if they end up feeling overwhelmed when this part of them tries to speak to them. All the energy they have used to keep this part of them at bay will be what gives it the power to come to the surface. Life Goes On It is not uncommon for mental and emotional pain to be seen as something that needs to be removed as opposed to understood, and this can stop one from taking a step back. Another thing that one could do if their emotional state starts to change is to see what they can do to please someone. What this means is that one will be trying to change how they feel through engaging in the same behaviour that is causing them to feel as they do. But even if one was to get in touch with their own needs, they might not feel comfortable with them. Protection Thus, even though pleasing others is going to stop them from being able to live their own life, it can be what feels safe. If they were to longer behave in this way, they could believe that other people would reject and abandon them. At a deeper level, they can feel worthless, and pleasing others can be a way for them to stop other people from realising this. If their true-self was to appear, they would end up being isolated from others. No Choice What this will show is that pleasing other people is going to be seen as a matter of survival, and not something that one can just let go of. As far as they are concerned, they are only going to have two options. And pleasing others is clearly going to be better than being cut-off from the rest of humanity. However, even though one has this outlook, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with who they are. A Deeper Look The reason they see themselves in this way can be due to what took place during their early years. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected, and they wouldn’t have received the kind of care that they needed to develop. Through being treated in this way, they would have experienced toxic shame, and this would have caused them to believe that they were inherently flawed. This would have been something that permeated their whole being. Awareness Fortunately, this doesn’t reflect one’s true nature, and this is why they can change their life. So if one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they might need to reach out for the support of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Do Some People Only Feel Valuable When They Are Focusing On Other People’s Needs?7/3/2017
It could be said that having needs is part of being human, and this means that everyone has them. However, even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that everyone feels comfortable with their needs.
A Difference Experience When someone does feel comfortable with their needs, it will give them the chance to fulfil them. This is not to say that this will always take place, but at the same time, they won’t be used to not having them met. There are going to be times when they will need other people to meet their needs, and times when they will need to meet them themselves. And through paying attention to their needs and getting them met when they can, their life is going to be far more fulfilling than it would be if this didn’t take place. For Example When it comes to what these needs are, there will be what they need to survive and what they need to thrive. What they need when it comes to their survival is going to be the first stage and, once this has taken place, they will be able to focus on the rest of their needs. So through having somewhere to live, food on the table and money to buy what they need, there will be their need to connect others and to fulfil their purpose, among other things. At the same time, it would be inaccurate to say that it will always go in this order, as one might not have somewhere to live but they could still focus on their purpose One Part When it comes to a need that one will have to meet, it can come down to what they will need to do fulfil their purpose or during the moments when they feel down, for instance. When it comes to the former, one will need to look into what they need to do and then to take action. But when it comes to the latter, the part of them that feels down can end up being soothed by another part of them. The first part can be their inner child and the second part can be their adult self. Emotional Regulation If one was a child, there would be someone there to calm them down when they don’t feel emotionally stable. But now that one is an adult, there are going to be moments when they are by themselves. Or even if they were with someone else, it doesn’t mean that the other person would be able to help them with what is taking place within them. So, during these times, it will be down to them to settle themselves down. Another Part Yet, even though one will need to take action when it comes to their own purpose, there will come a time when they will need others. This could take place indirectly by reading a book, or directly by needing someone to employ them, for instance. When it comes to their need to connect to others, this is clearly not going to be something they can fulfil. There will be the validation that these people provide, and they will meet their physical needs. Balance Ultimately, one is an interdependent human being, and there is only is much they can do by themselves. One would be deluding themselves if they believed that they were inherently independent. But while someone can be in touch with their needs and do what they can to meet them, there are others who will act as though they don’t have them. Their life is then going to be all about what they can do to fulfil other people’s needs. Another Scenario As a result of this, there is a strong chance that their needs are rarely, if ever, met. Nevertheless, if one is completely consumed by what other people need, this is not going to bother them. If they were to face up to what is taking place and to embrace how they feel, they could end up feeling depressed. But this is unlikely to last for very long, and this is because they will soon go back to what they were doing. An Analogy When one behaves in this way, they are naturally going to neglect their own life. This is going to be similar to someone being on a plane and, instead of putting their mask on first during an emergency; they will try to put it on someone else first. If this was to happen, one would probably pass on before they are able to help another person. But when one ignores their own needs, it probably won’t cause them to lose their life; what it will do is cause them to suffer. The Benefit This is not to say that it will be all bad though; if it was, there would be no reason for one to behave in this way. One can find that this allows them to receive approval for others and to feel good about themselves. Their identity is going to be based around being there for others, and this will cause them to feel valuable. If their behaviour was to change, and they were to be there for themselves and others, they could end up feeling as though they are doing something wrong. A Human Doing What this is likely to show is that one believes their value is based on what they do, as opposed to who they are. Their needs are then going to be something to be ashamed of, and it is then to be expected that they will neglect themselves. This can show that their early years were a time when their needs were rarely met, and one would have had to fulfil their caregiver’s needs instead. The approval they got from these people would have been conditional. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their circumstances, they may need to work with a therapist. This will give them the opportunity to look into what is taking place within them and to move forward.
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If one was to come into contact with someone who tried to take advantage of them, they could end up letting the other person know that this is not acceptable. This might take place through telling them directly and/or they could walk away.
It will then be clear that one is not willing to put up with this kind of behaviour, and it might not matter who it is. When something like this happens, they could instantly end up feeling uncomfortable. Action Through feeling this way, the next step will be for them to do something about what has taken place. What this is likely to show is that one has a clear idea of what is and what isn’t acceptable. And through being this way, it is going to mean that one has the ability to look after themselves. There is also the chance that the people they spend time with are only too aware of this. Feedback One could be seen as someone who is assertive, and this could be something that they admire about them. These people could also behave in the same way, or some of them might like to behave in the same way. If one of their friends is used to being walked over, they could spend a lot of time thinking about how one is able to do what they do. Along with this, there could also be moments when one tells them that they need to stand their ground. Intimacy When it comes to their love life or the people they date, they are likely to have a clear idea about what they will and won’t put up with. One is then not going to allow their emotions to get in the way and to stop them from being able to draw the line. But if this doesn’t happen, and they do allow someone to walk over them, it could be something rarely takes place. Yet, as they have good boundaries, there is a strong chance that they will generally attract people who also have good boundaries. Normal If one was to take a step back and to look into how long they have been this way, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. It might be a challenge for them to get in touch with when their life was different. At the same time, their life might not have been this way for a long time, and they will be only too aware of when people walked over them. What this can show is that they got to the point where they were no longer willing to experience life in this way. A Transitional Period One may have got so fed up with being walked over, that they could no longer take it anymore. Or, someone else might have told them that they don’t need to tolerate this kind of behaviour, and this might have caused them to look into what they could do. Through being fed up or receiving advice from another person, it would have allowed them to gradually change their life. There would have been a number of different factors that defined how long it took them to move forward. Part of Life However, while there are going to be people who don’t allow others to walk over them, there are going to be plenty of people who do. Through being this way, they could be used to feeling like a door mat. One could feel as though they have no way of protecting themselves when they are around others. But while this is going to have a negative effect on them, they could believe that they don’t have a choice. Powerless What is taking place is going to stop them from being able to be themselves and to listen to their own needs, but it will be seen as something they have to put up with. At a deeper level, they may believe that they deserve to be treated in this way. So even if one was to get angry about what is taking place, another part of them is going to feel comfortable with it. And as this part of them is stronger than the other part, it will be what controls their behaviour. An Inner Change In order for one to no longer put up with this behaviour, it will be important for them to realise that they don’t deserve to be walked over. This will give them strength to stand their ground and to say ‘no’ when they need to. It might be hard for one to understand why they would feel this way; especially as it is causing them to be harmed by others. And as they don’t stand their ground, other people could still walk over them even if they don’t intend to. Self-Worth When one doesn’t value themselves enough to stand their ground, it can be a sign that they feel worthless. At one point in their life, they may have been treated badly, and this would then have set them up to feel this way. If one has been this way for as long as they can remember, it could mean that they were abused and/or neglected during their early years. At this stage of their life, they might have been treated like an object or a thing. Their needs and feelings would have been overlooked, and their boundaries would have been crossed. Therefore, how they are treated as an adult is simply a continuation of how they were treated as a child. Awareness It might then be a good idea for one to reach out for external support, and this can be provided by a therapist. This will give them the opportunity to work through what is taking place within them and to realise their value.
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While there are certain behaviours that are seen as being good, there are others that are seen as being bad. When it comes it comes to the former, it can relate to having manners, being friendly and helping others.
Through being this way, one is likely to find that most people will respond in a positive way to them. During the moments when this is not the case, there will be no reason for them to take it personally. The Other Side And when it comes to the latter, it can relate to the opposite of what was mentioned above; so not having manners, being unfriendly and not helping others. One is likely to find that if they were to behave in this way, it would cause other people to respond in a negative way. It could be said that the difference is not going to be much of a surprise, and this is because people generally want to be treated well. Therefore, the best way for them to get other people to respond in a positive manner will be to behave in this way. Back To Reality If one was to look at how they behave in their day-to-day life, they may find that this is what takes place. They may see that they spend a lot of time being there for others, and very little time being there for themselves. As a result of this, they will live a life that is based around doing everything they can to meet other people’s needs. One way of looking at this would be to say that one is living their life in the right way. All Areas There will then be what they do for the people they don’t know, and what they do for the people in their life. If someone needs their assistance, it might not matter if they know them very well. When it comes to the people in their life, one could do what they can to make sure they are always available to meet their needs. And if they are unable to be there for someone, they could end up feeling incredibly guilty. This Area If they are in a relationship, they may spend as lot of time doing what they can for this person. One could believe that it is down to them to meet his person needs, and they might not expect anything from them. Now, the person they are with could appreciate what they are doing, or they could simply take it for granted. This could be how the other person is usually treated when they are in a relationship. Helping Out And it might not matter what their friends or family need help with, as they could be only too happy to help them. They could end up lending them money, taking them to different places, and doing work for them. Once this has taken place, they could offer them something in return, or they might not feel the need to do anything. But if one has been this way for such a long time, it is not going to be a surprise for these people to see one’s behaviour as being normal. Overlooked Through having the tendency to ignore their own needs, one could find they often feel as though they are running on empty. As even though they give a lot to other people, they are not going to get a lot back. They might be doing well in their career, or this could be another area of their life that is not given the attention it needs. But even if this is how one experiences life, it doesn’t mean that they will change their behaviour. The Alternative One might believe that they only have two choices: either to focus on other people’s needs and to be selfless, or to focus on their own and to be selfish. Therefore, even though they will be ignoring their own needs, it will be better than to be like the people who only focus on their own needs. There is also the chance that one is generally disconnected from their own needs, and this is then going to stop them from even thinking about them on a regular basis. In fact, at a deeper level, they might believe that they don’t deserve to have them met. Positive Feedback And although their needs will generally be overlooked, they will probably be used to receiving approval. There may have been moments when others have told them how good they are and that they are an example to others. If, on the other hand, one only thought about themselves, this is not something that is going to occur. One would probably be used to having people criticise them, and a lot of people would be repelled by them. In The middle The trouble with being selfless is that it will cause one to overlook their own needs, and this is going to cause them to suffer. This is not to say that one will always be in touch with this pain, as they could do what they can to deny how they feel. Ultimately, human beings have needs and, if they are not able to meet these needs, there will be consequences. Fortunately, being selfish or selfless are not the only options; one can be there for others and they can be there for themselves. Balance And through being able to meet their own needs, it will allow them to truly be there for others. They won’t need to run on empty and this will give them the energy to have a positive effect on others. When one always focuses on other people’s needs, it can show that they feel ashamed of their own needs. It is then not that they don’t have needs; it is that they focus on others needs in order to receive approval; with the hope that this will indirectly allow them to fulfil their own needs. Awareness The kind of relationship one has with their own needs is often the result of what took place when they were younger. If they were brought up by people who ignored their needs and one was used them to fulfil their needs, it would have caused them to believe that their needs were not important. If one can relate to this, and they want to feel comfortable with their needs, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist. This will give them the chance to look into what took place and to move forward.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one ends up with people who are not right for them, it can be a sign that they end up with people who are self-centred. This is then not going to be something that has taken place on one occasion; it will be a regular occurrence.
So when they end up in a relationship like this, it is not going to be possible for them to get their needs met. Or if there are moments when the other person does think about their needs, this could be something that rarely takes place. Out of Balance There is then going to be two people in the relationship, but it will be as if there is only one person. The other person is then going to see them as someone who is only there to meet their needs. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they will see one as being nothing more than an extension of them. This is not to say that this is something they will consciously think about though, as it is likely to be something that just governs their behaviour. Undeveloped It could be said that if one attracted to people who have not been able to develop in the right way, and this is why they are unable to meet their needs. There would have been a point in time when it was normal for this person to see other people in this way. And this would have been during the very early stages of their development; with this being something that they should have grown out of as time when by. Physically they will look like an adult, but when it comes to their mental and emotional development, they will still be a child. One Approach It would then be easy to see someone like this as being the problem, and to say that they need to grow up. This is not something that can be denied, but this doesn’t mean that they chose to be this way. What it can come down to is that they didn’t receive the kind of care that they needed when they were younger. This would then have stopped them from being able to move through each developmental stage. The Priority One may be only too aware of the fact that there is nothing they can do to change someone like this; with it being up to them to take responsibility for their own life. If they were to try to do this, they would only be wasting their time. The best thing for them to do will be to focus on their own life, and to look into what they can to do attract someone who is different. This will allow them to use their time and energy in the right way. The First Hurdle But while the ideal will be for them to look into what they can do to change their life, they might not be able to do this. The reason for this is that they can believe that they randomly end up with people like this. This is then going to be something that will cause them to experience a lot of pain, but there is not going to be anything they can do about it. They could believe that this is something they just have to put up with. Another Outlook Alternatively, one could believe that they just need to find the right person and, once they do this, their life will change. So just like in the above scenario, one will believe that they are not playing a part in what is taking place. One is then going to need to wait around until their circumstances change, and who knows when this will be. Or, they could believe that they need to go to different places or to another country, and then everything will be different. Going Within If they were able to take a step back from what is going on, it would give them the chance to see what part they are playing in all this. What they may soon find is that the reason they experience life in this way is because it is what feels comfortable. On one level, they are not going to want to experience life in this way, but at a deeper level, it will be what feels safe. During this time they may also find that they feel ashamed of their own needs. The Perfect Match Therefore, as one feels ashamed of their needs, it is going to be completely normal for them to end up with people who won’t meet them. One could believe that if they were to reveal their needs, they would end up being rejected and abandoned. So through focusing on someone else’s needs, it will stop this from taking place. And if one feels this way about their own needs, there is also the chance that they feel worthless. Why Is This? When one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs and they feel worthless, it can be due to what took place when they were younger. This may have been a time when their needs were rarely, if ever, met, and they might have had to meet their caregivers needs instead. One would then have come to believe that their needs were not important, and they would have come to believe that there was something wrong with them. Being there for others and ignoring their own needs might have been a matter of life or death. Awareness This would have been something that took place many, many years ago, but it will continue to define their life until they change what is taking place within them. There will be what is taking place in their mind and what is taking place in their body. When it comes to working through what happened all those years ago, the assistance of a therapist may be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Should Someone Expect Other People To Empathise Them If They Were Abused As A Child?5/3/2017
The beginning of someone’s life can be a time when they received what they needed in order to develop into a well-adjusted adult. As a result of this, they will now have what they need to handle life.
Now, this is not to say that their life will be plain sailing; what it comes down to is that they won’t have the tendency to feel overwhelmed by life. There will the challenges they face and there will be the strength that they have to overcome them. Nature For example, if a tree was planted and this tree received what it needed, it will grow to be big and strong. And it could be said that the bigger it gets, the more pressure it will have to deal with. This is because it will have to deal with all kinds of weather conditions, and if it wasn’t strong enough, it would soon end up falling down. In the same way, as one goes from a child to an adult, they are also going to experience more pressure. The Early Stages When one was a baby, there would have been people around them who looked after them and protected them. If they experienced pressure, it is likely to have been something that didn’t last for very long. Their own growth and development would have been the most important thing, and other people would have dealt with any problems that arose. As they wouldn’t have been equipped to handle too much stress at this age, this would have been incredibly important. Time Goes By Yet as they continued to grow in all areas, they would have gradually been able to the handle the things that they were unable to handle before. This is then similar to how people gradually increase the amount of weight that they are able to lift as they get stronger, as opposed to putting all the weight on straight away. Due to how complex the human brain is, this is not a process that can be rushed; it takes time and the right nutrients need to be provided. Thus, through receiving what they needed during this time, it would have allowed them to gradually give something back to the world. Reaping the Crop The love and care that they received would have given them ability to give love and care to other human beings. So while the people around them would have had to have put a lot of effort into their development, it would have been worth it in the long run. A similar process takes place when one plants their own seeds to grow vegetables. When they one takes care of them in the beginning, they won’t get anything back; but after a little while, they will have a lot of healthy food to eat. Part of Life And through receiving what they needed to receive during this time, there will be the things that they can do that they don’t even think about. This is not to say that they don’t appreciate these things; what it comes down to is that this is likely to be how their life has been for such a long time. What this can relate to is their ability to regulate their own emotions and to feel good about themselves. Having a sense of self, boundaries, feeling safe, and being in touch with their needs and feelings will also be part of this. A Radically Different Experience However, although some people will have had a childhood like this and be able to handle life as an adult, there will be others who had a difference upbringing. As a result of this, they are likely to be missing a lot of the things that other people take for granted. If one has looked into what took place and they have been doing what they can to heal themselves, they will realise why they are different to other people. Yet if this is not the case, they could believe that the reason they are different comes down to the fact they are inherently flawed, for instance. Perfectly Normal If they were able to find out about how their early years affected them, they might see that there is a reason why they are experiencing life in this way. There would then be no reason for them to blame themselves or to feel as though they are incapable. This is not to say that one’s genetics won’t have played a part or that everyone responds in the same way to abuse. If one was a sensitive child, for instance, it is naturally going to be a lot harder for them to handle life as an adult if they were abused than it would be if they received what they needed. Reaching Out But regardless of whether one has done any kind of healing work on themselves, there is the chance that they have reached out to others. This may have been a time when they opened up about what took place when they were younger There may have been moments when other people were able to put themselves in their shoes and showed compassion. And due to what they have been through, this is likely to have been something that had a positive effect on them. Another Response Alternatively, one may have had moments when people didn’t respond in this way, and one may have felt even worse. This could mean that someone made out that one was lying, or they may have told them that they need to ‘move on’. Along with this, they may have been times when one told someone and it was if they were talking about the weather. It wouldn’t have had much of an effect on them, and it would have been clear that they were unable to empathise with them. What’s going on? There are a number of reasons as to why other people would respond in this way, and it could be said that it will be important for them to be careful who they open up to. As if they are not discerning, they will create even more problems for themselves. When someone is unable to empathise with them, it can show that they are in denial about their own abuse, and if they were to connect to how one feels, they would have to face their own pain. Another reason why this would take place is that the person they spoke to had a childhood that was very different, and so they simply can’t connect to what one experienced. Awareness One of the reasons why a therapist can make such a difference is that they will be able to offer one the empathy and compassion they need. In addition to this, there will be the support and assistance they offer that will allow one to heal themselves and to move forward.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
While there are people who feel good about themselves, there are others who feel worthless. However, even if one doesn’t feel good about themselves, it doesn’t mean that they are in touch with how they feel.
Disconnected What this comes down to is that one can end up disconnecting from how they feel, and this will be a way for them to elevate themselves. This can then cause one to go from one extreme to another. Ergo, instead of them feeling as though they have no value, they can feel see themselves as having more value than anyone else. As a result of this, it can cause other people to wonder what is going on. Two Options Before one ended up this way, they would have believed that there were only two options: either they saw themselves as being inferior or they saw themselves as being superior. If one went with the first option, it wouldn’t have allowed them to experience control. On the other hand, going with the second option would have allowed them to change what was taking place for them. This would then have stopped them from feeling as though they had no control over their life. A Reaction At the same time, it might be more accurate to say that this is probably something that took place without one needing to really think about it. One would probably have just been drawn to the second option. As a result, everything else would have gradually fallen in to place. This would then have given one a completely new identity, and it might have seemed as though they would never feel this way again. The Next Step And although one could end up seeing themselves as being better than others without having anything to back this up, they may end up doing everything they can to rise to the top. One could then go onto become extremely successful in their career, for instance. This is not to say that everyone they meet will respond to them in a positive manner, as there are likely to be people who will see right through them. In their eyes, it is not going to matter how much they have achieved. A Cover Up They could see that this is someone who feels inferior and this is why they act the way they do. How they come across is then going to be nothing more than an act, and not something that is built on firm foundations. Still, there will be people who will look up to them, and they could see them as someone who has ‘made it’, so to speak. But as they can be an example of what is means to be successful in today’s world, it is to be expected that some people will admire them. Another Route Alliteratively, one could stay in touch with how they feel and there could be times when they are able to keep it at bay. What this will then mean is that they won’t end up developing a superiority complex. Even so, they could still do everything they can to become successful in their career. One is then not going to completely disconnect from how they feel, but they won’t completely embrace it either. Feedback Through being this way, it might be normal for other people to be drawn to them, and this is because they won’t act as though they are better than others. There could be times when they see that one doesn’t value themselves. When it comes to the person who is completely disconnected from how they feel, they are likely to be used to walking over others; whereas this person can be used to other people walking over them. And as they are not completely out of touch with how they feel, they could have ups and downs. Inner World When one is out of touch with how they feel about themselves, they are not going to have this problem. But if one has a moment when they feel down, they could soon find that they end up hitting rock bottom. During this time, they could look into what they can do to take their career to the next level. This will be seen as a way for them to change how they feel, and this will show that they believe they can change how they feel through what they achieve externally. The Answer After all, if one didn’t have this outlook, they wouldn’t have worked so hard to get to where they are. Through being this way, there is always going to be something else for them to achieve. Therefore, no matter what they do, it won’t have a lasting effect on how they feel about themselves. One is then going to be a treadmill that won’t stop and, if they were to get off and to face up to what is taking place within them, the pain would probably be unbearable. No Escape If one is disconnected from how they feel, they could still have moments when they have to face up to what is taking place within them. This could happen if they experience a setback, if they were to become ill, or it could take place once they reach a certain age. So what this shows is that regardless of what approach someone takes when they feel worthless, it is not going to be possible for them to change how they feel through being successful. The only thing success will do is give them the chance to run away from themselves. A Closer Look If they are able to step back and to reflect on what is taking place, they will realise that it is not possible for them to completely avoid how they feel. When one feels worthless, it can be the result of what took place when they were younger. Perhaps this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected, and this would have caused them to believe that they were inherently flawed. Ultimately, this doesn’t reflect their true nature. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their circumstances, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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