While what is going on externally can be easy to see and describe, the same is not always true for what is taking place on the inside. And this can relate to ones: thoughts, emotions, feelings and sensations.
This has the potential to lead to all kinds of challenges and these can depend on how difficult it is for someone. It could something that plays a small part in one’s life, to something that severely affects them.
Here, one could be labelled as having some kind of mental disorder or brain condition that stops them from having any kind of emotional awareness. And when one has no connection to their own emotions, it can result in them being unable to read another person’s emotional output.
So this leads to not only communication problems within, but to communication problems without; one form of disconnection is resulting in another form. And there is naturally going to be all kinds of consequences that can arise through this.
If someone has always had a good connection to their emotions and is generally aware of what they are feeling, this might be hard to comprehend. To them it might seem strange as to how someone could not know what is going on inside them.
This is the ideal and yet for someone who has no understanding of what is going on; this could feel normal and be the only thing they know. And how someone could actually know what they are feeling could be a real mystery.
So even though they are both human beings and live on the same planet, their emotional experience is radically different.
From The Beginning
In the majority of cases, this will be something that one has experiences since the very beginning of their lives. Perhaps they can’t remember it being any different. It would then be easy for them to come to the conclusion that they were born this way and that’s the end of it.
And others could pinpoint a time in their life that was traumatic or painful in some way, as to the reason why they are not in touch with their emotions.
It could then be something they have resigned themselves to and given up all hope of getting back in touch with this part of themselves. There will also be people who have every intention of gaining this connection for the first time or regaining it once more.
This challenge has the potential to affect every kind of relationship that one can have. From relationships that are intimate, to ones that are more casual and include casual acquaintances for instance. One might find it difficult to have an intimate relationship or to connect with another too deeply; as they are unable to drop to a deeper level.
What they might do is relate on a more surface level and one that doesn’t include any emotional depth. And they could be attracted to people who have the same difficulty when it comes to being emotional in tune.
Needs And Wants
Another consequence can be that one has very little insight into what their needs and wants are. They could ask themselves this question and others could also ask them, but the same thing takes place. Here, one could end up experiencing a sense of confusion or even end up being stuck in life.
This could lead to the over reliance on other people to tell them what is right and what is not right. Or one could just follow others and then wonder why they are doing it during moments of frustration.
If one were to be in a position of feeling elevated, it might not be too much of a concern what they are feeling. On the other hand, if they were feeling down and under the weather, there might be a greater need to tune into what is going on.
But as one has no idea why they feel as they do or what could have triggered the experience, the whole thing could create the experience of one having no choice in what is taking place.
Now, there could be a number of reasons for this. One outlook is that it is the result of someone’s DNA and that they were simply born this way. Another perspective is that people can end up this way through the kind of nurturing they received during their childhood years.
And even what took place when they were in their mother’s womb and what this experience was like for them. So there are numerous views available and it is clearly not either or, it could be due to a number of factors.
So with DNA and what took place in the womb to one side, let’s take a deeper look at childhood development. When a baby is born and experiences different emotional responses, they are not aware of what they are feeling. It is a form of unrest that they vocalise through crying or pulling faces for instance.
Through having an empathic caregiver that mirrors and matches these feelings and emotions, the baby will begin to develop a brain that allows them to handle and recognise them. This development will continue as they grow into children and gradually give them the ability to have a strong and healthy connection to their emotional selves.
When one is brought up by a caregiver that was unempathic and didn’t mirror or match what they were experiencing as a baby, their brain is unlikely to develop in a way that allows them to handle and recognise emotion.
This could continue during their childhood years and stop them from having the ability to have a healthy and functional emotional brain. One could actually end up being undeveloped in this area and carry a lot of repressed emotions and feelings; as a result of their emotions and feelings being dismissed and denied.
The process of one becoming emotionally cut off is a lot more complex than this of course; with this simply being a rough guide to what can create this problem. If one had a caregiver who was emotional available and supplied the right mirroring and validation, one might have developed a better connection to their emotional brain.
It could be easy to assume that one therefore has no choice or way of overcoming this. However, there are many ways out there that can enable someone to develop their emotional brain. This is not to say it will happen overnight either; as it can take a lot of time, energy, patience and money.
One way is to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will supply the mirroring that didn’t take place during these early years and this can gradually develop this brain.
Emotions and feelings could also be trapped in ones body and stop one from being able to connect to their emotional self. So as these are faced and released with the right support, one can start to get back in touch with what is going on within them.
Just because someone would like to love and appreciate themselves, it doesn’t mean that one finds this easy or even possible to do. But, this love is not an adaption and what appears when one doesn’t love themselves.
Here, something known as unhealthy narcissism can appear; with one having an exaggerated sense of importance. And while this can be perceived as a form of love, it is nothing more than a cover up for how they really feel on the inside.
And if one doesn’t go to this extreme when it comes to certain areas of their life, they can just behave in ways that show their internal image. So they won’t be seen as acting superior or more than others, they will come across as being inferior and less than others.
It is also possible for the person who feels superior, as well as the person who feels inferior, to fluctuate form one position to the other. In one context they could feel above others and in another, they could feel very low. As can someone who feels very low a lot of the time could find themselves feeling good about themselves in some situations.
So when it comes to self love, it is not about one having a heightened sense of self or a lower sense of who they are. What is does relate to is one appreciating and valuing who they are and ultimately being comfortable in their own skin.
Here, one feels comfortable in their body and knows that it is safe to be who they are. This is all about the body and has very little to do with the mind. To live in the mind, is to live an unstable existence.
The mind is always operating from a place of duality. So to feel inferior or superior is normal if one is stuck in their head. What can cause someone to live in their head and to leave their body is when pain has built up in the body.
It then feels safer to live this way and to reject the body. And while it might feel safer, it is also a lot less stable and unlikely to be too peaceful.
When someone doesn’t feel comfortable in their body and lives in their head, it is clear that some kind of conflict is taking place. This could be what one has picked up in their adult years and go back to what is still hanging on from their childhood years.
And as this is the case, one is unable to settle into their body and feel at ease with who they are. What is going on is that one is getting caught up in what doesn’t belong inside them.
This means that one’s thoughts, feelings and emotions are not in alignment with ones true nature and they are being influenced by what could be described as parasites that shouldn’t even be there.
One approach is to simply deal with the mind and the thoughts and ideas that it produces. Here, the focus is on one changing their thoughts and seeing themselves differently. And through this process, one will start to ‘believe’ in who they are. As a common belief is that one’s thoughts create their feelings and emotions, by changing their thoughts, they will change everything else.
The outlook here is that something needs to be added in order for one to appreciate who they are. Human beings are then seen as nothing more than programmable machines and as this is the case, they can be programmed to believe anything.
Based on this, it is the programming that needs to be changed to another type of programming, in order for someone to feel comfortable with themselves. And as the mind can believe or disbelieve anything, this makes a lot of sense.
However, while the body is often just seen as a lump of meat and as something that is completely controlled by the brain in one’s head, there is a lot more to it. The body has wisdom of its own and this is often overlooked.
What is going on in one’s mind, is often nothing more than a reflection of what is going on in their body. But this vital information and wisdom is not going to see the light of day if one has rejected their body.
So one can have thoughts that cause them to feel uncomfortable in their own skin and these could be classed as the reasons they feel as they do. If one connects to their body, they will notice feelings and these feelings cause the mind to think in certain ways.
These feelings can include: shame, guilt, emptiness, worthlessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, fear, rejection, abandonment and suicidal feelings. By feeling shame, the mind will construct certain thoughts that correspond with shame.
These could be: that one is useless; that they don’t deserve anything; that other people look down on them and that other people want to humiliate them, amongst other such thoughts.
Just Love Yourself
It is common for one to say to another that they should just love themselves or that they need to love who they are. And this can sound so simple and easy that it can make the other person feel useless for not loving themselves in the first place.
But clearly, it is not as easy as this and can require some serious work on oneself. One could change their thoughts and just deal with the mind. Or they could place their attention on the body. It is likely that they are carrying trapped feelings and emotions.
And these are causing them to think in certain ways and stopping them from feeling at ease in their body. When these are released, it will enable one to get back into their body and to feel safe there. Their body, heart and mind can then work together, as opposed to being against each other.
It is then not a case of adding anything in order for one to love themselves; what it is really about is letting go of what doesn’t belong in one’s body.
These trapped feelings and emotions in one’s body will need to be faced and released. As this takes place, one will start to feel comfortable in their body and their mind will also begin to settle down.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to face them and gradually release them.
There are many fears that human beings can have and some of these are classed as real and parts of one’s ability to survive and others are seen as self made and have very little to do with ones survival.
And the fear of rejection is often classed as a fear that is irrational and not based in reality. In most cases as an adult, it is unlikely that anything too harmful is going to happen if one is rejected. One’s life is not likely to come to an end and they will live for another day.
But while this if often the case and nothing too harmful does take place, it is often irrelevant; because this fear can cause so many problems in someone’s life. It can stop them from going towards what they truly want and need and cause them to stay where they are in life.
For these people, it is not a fear that is slightly distressing or has little impact on their life; it is something that is overwhelming. Their life is then defined and ruled by this the fear of rejection.
On the surface this is going to have the potential to cause mild, to extreme frustration, anger and hopelessness. There will be some things in one’s life that will be put off for a short time and there will be others that are forever put off.
Progress is then something that either happens on the odd occasion or it never happens. And one then ends up being stuck at a certain level of growth and development. To miss out on certain opportunities and chances could become the norm.
This could relate to some areas of one’s life or cover just about every area. One is therefore unlikely to feel too empowered or connected to life and the world around them. To see other people go after what they want and get it, might be a common occurrence.
And further enhance their sense of despair and that they have no control over what they do or don’t do.
Perhaps one thinks that they haven’t got what it takes to go after what they want and that other people have something they don’t have for instance. There could be people who tell them to move beyond their fear of rejection and while that sounds easier enough at an intellectual level, it is something that can be far from easy at an emotional level.
This could be a fear that is simply dismissed as just a feeling and that there is nothing more to it. And while it is intended to make one feel better about it and move beyond it, it can just result in them feeling weak and lacking something.
When it comes to women, this fear might be more acceptable than it is for men. For women it could be seen as understandable and therefore cause them to be given some kind of support or encouragement.
But for men, it could be seen as a sign or weakness and that the man lacks courage. So a woman could end up feeling that this is normal and a man could see it as something to be ashamed off.
And this is going to be something that can affect every area of one’s life. If this doesn’t relate to all areas and only relates to one, it might not be as bad. And yet at the same time, this one area could impact every other. So it won’t necessarily matter how pervasive this is, what matters is how strong the fear of rejection is.
The key area is going to be relationships. And this one’s relate to ones career, friends and relationships with the opposite sex. To move up in ones career or to ask for some kind of pay rise might be sabotaged through one fearing rejection.
And the same can apply to one asking for what they want and need in a relationship and speaking their truth. Perhaps one sees an attractive person that they want to talk to or who they know and would like to takes things further.
But in each in each of these situations, their fear of rejection takes over and nothing ever happens.
A Closer look
For the individual that has a fear of rejection that is overwhelming and out of balance, it is highly likely that it is more than just a feeling that they are experiencing. What it could be is a whole body experience and something that consumes them.
And when the feeling of rejection is being experienced or about to be experienced, there is going to be something more to it. Rejection is on the surface and is just one level; what is deeper than the fear of rejection, is that it will mean to this person to be rejected.
Although one is physically an adult, it doesn’t mean that they feel like one emotionally. And this is due to someone being emotionally stuck at a certain age or time in their life. So to look at rejection through the eyes of an adult, it becomes clear that generally nothing to troubling is going to happen.
And yet if one were to look at rejection through the eyes of a child, it is evident that rejection is a matter of life or death. To not receive the right nurturance and attention from ones caregiver, could have resulted in an experience or many experiences that were traumatic.
If these feelings were allowed to be released through their caregivers being emotional available, it wouldn’t be a problem. However, if they are not dealt with, they could have stayed in one’s body.
So although one physically grows, emotionally they can still feel like they did all those years ago. And whenever one is in a situation where they want something from another, these trapped feelings and emotions will rise up once again. It doesn’t matter then what the other person does or doesn’t do, as these feelings are inside one’s body and will therefore be triggered in one way or another.
To look at this logically, it is obvious that one is overreacting and yet if they are still carrying all this emotional pain from the past, then how else would they feel? To engage in self blame or to see oneself as lacking something, is not helpful and it is not accurate either.
They are simply acting in ways that are a consequence of what has built up within them and what needs to be released from their body. These trapped feelings and emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who allows one to face them and gradually release them.
There are all kinds of reasons as to why someone would want to be a relationship with another person. And yet for some people, they will do everything they can to avoid having one. This can be due to them being fiercely independent and not wanting to rely on another person; having trust issues and a deep fear of intimacy for instance.
And for others, the need to be in a relationship can appear to be their whole focus of life. If they are in one, they are happy and when they are not in one, they are more of less despondent. It is then not then a case of finding someone who is appropriate, it is simply about finding someone who will take away this pain.
Then there are other people who are fairly happy with themselves and enjoy spending their time with another person or who want to find another to share their life with. But whether they are in a relationship or are not in one, they still appreciate their own time and are not dependent on another to make them feel good about themselves.
So it is clear that in each of these dynamics and others that exist, people have different views about what a relationship is for and what it is not for. Now, some people will be fairly clear about what another person can give them and what they can’t.
And when it comes to others, this won’t be something that is consciously thought about. A feeling or urge rises in their body and action is then taken. They are then attracted to someone who they believe will fulfil those needs and wants.
There is no question of if the other person can actually fulfil these or if the way one is acting is healthy and functional. This will often be something that takes place automatically and without too much thinking taking place.
The body and heart is taking the lead and the mind is left wondering what is going on. One’s mind could even be left to pick up the pieces, once cracks appear in the relationship or when it comes to an end.
However, before long, the need to find another person could derail the minds attempt to make sense of everything. The next relationship is then underway and the cycle could be repeated once more.
If one doesn’t leave the relationship due to something not being right, they could even stay in the relationship and put up with what is going on. This could be some kind of mild to extreme abuse. Or perhaps one is just in a relationship that is not fulfilling and doesn’t match their deepest needs and wants and what they truly value in life.
The Power Of Pain
So as one is seeking a relationship or going into a relationship based on inner unrest, it is clear that that this is not a conscious process. The overwhelming pain that they are experiencing within is causing them to act in ways that could be described as compulsive.
And pain is something everyone feels and this is not something to be ashamed of. What will be the difference is how aware one is of their pain and in what they do about it. For the person who is in pain and is simply letting that pain dictate their need to be in a relationship, they are letting the pain rule them.
On the inside this pain can relate to one feeling: alone, empty, rejected, abandoned, unlovable, unworthy, depressed, suicidal and worthless and many other feelings. And if any of these feelings are strong enough, another person can be sought to stop one from feeling them.
The other person will be used as a way to regulate how one feels; the feelings are unlikely to completely disappear. What they will do is become covered up for a short time. And as these feelings are so powerful, it won’t matter who the other person is; what matters is that they can help one to run away from themselves.
What can play a big part in how one handles their pain is what they have come to learn about relationships and what their purpose is. This can be based on what one has learnt about relationships through the role models they have had throughout their life and other forms of education.
In society this can include: celebrities, films, teachers and songs. And at a more personal level, this can be the result of one’s friends and family members. Unless one has consciously decided to learn about relationships and what their purpose is, it is unlikely that they will just simply know how to have healthy relationships.
Although one physically grows up as time goes by, it doesn’t mean that one also grows up emotionally. Emotional growth is something that is generally ignored in today’s society and often depends on one taking personal responsibility.
So this can mean that one can end up being emotionally stuck and have emotional needs that are more relevant to a child than an adult. And how they feel at this moment in their life could be the result of what happened to them many years ago.
The feelings that are causing them to attract the wrong types of people and to be in relationships for the wrong reasons need to be let go and not acted upon. Through regressing to a child, one can view others as caregivers and not human beings who have their own needs and wants.
As this is the case, it will mean that they will be unable to meet some of the needs and wants that one has. What this person can do is meet certain needs and wants, but not all of them.
One can feel the need to merge or enmesh with another just like they merged with a caregiver. And from this place, another person will be seen as their missing piece and the answer to being whole again.
When in reality, one is already whole. And what is stopping them from realising this is what needs to be let go and this is creating the illusion of one being incomplete. And if one was to identify with the feeling of being empty for instance, then it is not much of a surprise that they feel something is missing.
If these feelings and emotions are overwhelming and cause one to continually end up in relationships that are dysfunctional and stop one form being able to appreciate their own time, it might be necessary to seek some kind of assistance.
These trapped feelings and emotions can be released with the help or therapist or healer who allows one to face them and gradually release them. To engage in some kind of self study will also be beneficial and assist one in developing new ways of looking at relationships and themselves.
To be happy is something most people want on this planet and there are many ways of achieving happiness. Some of these ways are beneficial and actually enhance ones general quality of life. And then there are other ways that can make one feel happy for a short time and then cause them to feel a lot worse after.
This is because happiness doesn’t have one meaning for everything. What will make one person happy might not make another person happy. There are also different levels of happiness that someone can experience; from feeling content on one end of the spectrum, to complete euphoria on the other.
One way to achieve happiness is to accomplish a goal or to reach a certain outcome that one wanted. Here one will attain a feeling of happiness for a short time and soon this will begin subside.
How they felt at first won’t last forever and one’s mind may start to crave another achievement in order to feel happy once more. The enjoyment may end up being short lived and the next achievement consumes one’s mind.
This could feel like being on a treadmill that is stuck at high speed and every now and then, it slows down. Here, one is able to feel a sense of relief. But just as they are getting comfortable with this feeling, the treadmill starts up again.
Through craving or wanting happiness, one can easily start to forget about what they have. This is due to ones attention being on what they don’t have, as opposed to what they currently do have.
And based on the contrast that is created, it will be normal to feel unhappy and that one needs to have or to gain something in order to be happy. However, if one were to focus on what they do have and not on what they don’t have they might gradually start to observe a shift in how they feel.
This could take a while though, especially if one has got into a habit of placing most of their energy on what they have yet to gain or achieve in life. To be in this place, could be described as a place of acceptance and is another way to feel happy.
Another way to achieve happiness is through drinking alcohol, taking drugs or eating food. These might not always be useful one’s body and mind, but they will cause a momentary experience of being happy.
After consuming them, one could end up feeling far worse after the effects have worn off. Either through a hangover, a come down or through feeling bloated. So these are then nothing more than short term solutions or options.
What these examples show is that happiness is a transitory experience; it doesn’t last for very long. Once it is achieved, it soon starts to disappear. And when it comes to the mind, the law of diminishing returns is at work.
So what did cause one to feel happy at one point will no longer have the same effect as time goes on; something more and something better, will be needed. What did it at one point, will no longer be enough at another point.
The Ego Mind
When it comes to the ego mind, seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is the norm. To feel pleasure feels good and can allow one to feel happy. To feel pain feels bad and can cause one to feel unhappy.
The mind is then hell bent on the pursuit of happiness and this is how it functions. And yet when one consciously observes this process, it is clear that it’s a game that can never be won. Where there are ups, there will be downs. And where there are downs, there is likely to be ups, if one allows them to take place.
Of course, to be happy is something everyone should embrace, but to see happiness as the be all and end all is only going to result in more pain. For one thing, the desire for happiness or anything else for that matter causes it to be pushed away. When one seeks something they are telling the universe they don’t have and this will create more of the same thing.
To drop out of the mind and into the body, one will experience something completely different. While the body lives in the present moment, the mind only knows duality. One can get caught up in their mind and play all the games that the mind plays. Or they can be the observers of their mind.
Here, one can see that happiness and unhappiness is an experience that comes and goes, it is not who they are. It can be natural to think that one is either happy or they are not happy and that’s the end of it. But beyond these two sides of the same coin is presence. This presence is there when one is happy and when one is not; it doesn’t go away.
So being happy is the purpose of the mind and this allows it to avoid pain. The challenge is that pain is part of life and can’t be avoided. Life undoubtedly doesn’t always go as one wants it to go, people pass on, losses take place and the unexpected often happens.
And as happiness is transitory and can’t be maintained for very long, it would be easy to conclude that there is no other option. One is then trapped between the heaven of feeling good and the hell of feeling bad. Underneath this duality is having a sense of purpose.
This purpose is going to be different for everyone, but no matter what this purpose is, it has the potential to be far more fulfilling than simply being happy. It is inevitable that this will cause one to be happy, but even when one has moments when they are not happy, this will give them something more substantial.
One can then experience being unhappy, but the fact they are living their truth and a life that is meaningful can cause them to experience pain without getting too attached to it. And this will enable one to see it as a temporary experience and not necessarily something that one needs to completely avoid.
For someone who is living their truth and has a sense of purpose, they might be able to see how this grounds them during the challenging moments in their life. And if one unsure of what purpose of or what gives their life meaning, it might be necessary to take a deeper look at their life.
One could begin by looking back on their life and at what is currently going on and seeing what gives them a sense of being on course. Or what do they do that feels easy and causes their sense of time to disappear through doing it.
For change to take place and progress to be made, there needs to an element of responsibility. And this applies to all areas of one’s life; without it, something might stay as it is or simply get a lot worse.
But while this is evident, it doesn’t mean that someone will take responsibility for what happens to them. There are people who may take responsibility for some things and not others. And then there will be people who renounce all responsibility.
When something first happens it might be normal to feel that someone is to blame and as time passes, one can bring their focus back to themselves. And then start to look at what they can do to deal with what has happened or how to move on from what has happened.
If one is in a place of blame, they might soon forget about it and move on with their life. But, they could also hold onto this blame and this can depend on how much of an impact the experience has had on their life. It could be something that has caused so much pain that one holds onto it for many, many years and even their whole life.
There are often certain situations where blame appears the most and this is typically related how much control one feels they had over what took place and how much control they have after it has taken place.
There is no doubting that blame that can occur around anything and everything. And yet there are some common experiences where blame arises. Some people blame their parents for what they are like and how there life has turned out. Other people blame their partners for not being allowed to do what they want and for losing their freedom for instance.
One could blame their ex partners for causing them so much pain and suffering. Another example is when someone blames the society that they are in for what they have or don’t have in life. It is also possible for one to blame the education system for not giving them the grades or career that they wanted. The health care system or ones doctor could also be blamed for how unhealthy one is.
Under The Blame
So while in some cases blame can be appropriate and beneficial, it is often a cover up for something deeper. To blame someone or something can cause a release and settle one’s mind for a short time. But under the blame can be a feeling of having no control and of being powerless.
For one to face this head on can be too painful and pointing the finger at an external source can stop one from having to face how they truly feel about what has happened. However, all the time these feelings are there, the need to blame someone else will continue.
So what blame allows one to do is to regulate how they are feeling. These feelings of being powerless are not going away though and this pain will only be dealt with momentarily. One could end up being trapped in a blame cycle and be unable to get out of it.
It is normal for the mind to seek pleasure and to avoid pain and this means one might not even be aware of why they are in a place of blame. To them, blame could be the only option available.
And while there is the factor of one wanting to avoid how they a really feeling in regards to what has happened, there are also others factors in causing one to blame others and to not take responsibility. One of those factors in the kind of role models they have had throughout their life.
On factor is that the more powerless people become at a local level and at a global level, the more common blame will become. The other factor is that the more blame there is in the world, the more people will mimic this behaviour and see it as normal. So there are at least two causes at work here. And each one will perpetuate the other.
There are plenty of people who don’t take responsibility in the public eye and one can also have friends, family and colleagues who are the same. Their early upbringing could have included family members who blamed everyone else for their challenges and didn’t own them. And this could have been the result of them also feeling powerless.
Self Fulfilling Prophecy
If one does feel powerless and that they have no control, they could unconsciously attract situations into their life where they are taken advantage off and victimised. So without knowing it, they are creating a self fulfilling prophecy. This could relate to painful experiences that were not processed in their adult life and due to what happened to them as a child; when they felt powerless to do anything.
This then becomes a form of indirect revenge; with one repeating the same patterns over and over again. These situations give one the opportunity to express their repressed anger that occurred through feeling hopeless. And until one deals with the emotional pain that exists on the inside, they will continue to attract people and situations that cause them to see blame as being justified.
There are clearly many different sides to blame and different approaches that one can take here. If one feels that taking responsibility for what is taking place would be too overwhelming and that blame is the only way they can cope, then it might be necessary to seek some kind of assistance.
This could be a therapist or a healer that allows one to release their trapped feelings and emotions. As one starts to let go off their feelings of being powerless and hopeless and therefore realises their personal power, the need to blame others will start to diminish.
To have a balanced sense of worth is healthy and conducive to someone realising that they deserve to receive and to achieve in life. The problem is that not everyone has this experience and this can cause them to believe that they are worthless and therefore deserve very little, if anything, from life.
This could mean that one displays an exaggerated sense of themselves and this is the result of them going to the other extreme. Perhaps they feel as though they deserve everything in one moment and the next moment, they slump right back into their feeling of being worthless.
In some contexts their level of self worth might be normal or even high and in others it could be nonexistent. And for others it might be a general experience that they have. So no matter what it is, they still feel worthless and unable to accept what they truly want and need.
Males And Females
For a long time males were seen as the bread winners and as the people who had most of the power and influence. And as times have changed, females have gained a lot more power and influence. As they were starved of this for so long, this can only be a good thing.
So that both genders can be in their power; with neither one feeling worthless or less than the other. Besides, each gender is different and their purpose if not to compare themselves with each other. And while a women’s sense of empowerment has generally risen, it has not necessarily been the same experience for men.
For some men, it has been a time of wondering what their identity is and what will give them a sense of self worth and purpose in a world that is changing rapidly.
While there is a general experience being had in the world, there is also the experience that some men are having on a more local level. This could be something they tell their friends and family about or it could be what they keep close to themselves.
Other people may notice it if they pay attention, but men are not always comfortable showing how they feel to others. To be man can often mean that one has to cover up how they feel and to pretend to others that they are doing just fine. If their feelings were to be shown, one might be labelled as weak or another derogatory description.
Suffering In Silence
And man may engage in drugs, violence, drink, food or even working out as a way to numb their feelings of being worthless. Depression could ensue and be something they are very familiar with.
These options may work for a while and lead to one feeling better, but what they won’t typically do is deal with these feelings. What they will do is numb them or push them out of one’s conscious awareness. It would be a lot more functional for them to be dealt with and yet, this is not something that always takes place.
If it was more socially acceptable for a man to open up about how they felt and not as taboo, then they would be more inclined would reach out for help. And as a result of it being acceptable, there would be more solutions widely available for men in this position.
Areas Of Life
A man could find that his low sense of worth is having an impact on every area of his life. From his: relationships, career, finances and health for instance. Or it could be something that just affects his relationships or career.
The need to grow and to see that one is progressing in life might then be stifled. One might simply feel like giving up or not put in the effort to begin with. There could also be a kind of compensation that takes place.
Here, a man uses the pain of feeling worthless to become very successful in his career and yet in every other area of their life, it could be very different story.
The Opposite Sex
This could also cause a man to feel worthless when it comes to the opposite sex. The desire to attract a woman or women into their life could be a real challenge. So they could settle for any woman that comes onto their path or end up not having women in their life.
A man may only feel a sense of self worth when he is with a woman and fell worthless when he is not with one. So his sense of self is then completely dependent on women. To be without one could result in one feeling: powerless, hopeless, ashamed, empty, depressed, and suicidal.
So it becomes clear that women can have incredible power over whether a man feels good about themselves or if they don’t. This could be looked at to mean that men are therefore below women and that a man has to wrestle back some of this power.
For an adult male, this might not make any sense as to why they would feel like this in relation to women. However, at one point in their life, they were completerly dependent on a woman. And this woman had complete power over them and defined if they had their needs and wants met or if they didn’t.
The Mother Figure
This woman would have been their mother in most cases. It could also include other influential females who were around at the time. Such as a: sister, grandmother, family friend, auntie and cousins for instance.
So how ones mother responded to them and to the men around them as a baby and as a child, would have had a massive impact on how worthy they go on to feel as an adult. If this was a mother that was generally empathic and attuned to their needs and wants, they would have developed the outlook that they are worthy and form healthy sense of power.
If on the other hand this was a mother that was unempathic and therefore unaware of their needs and wants when they were younger, they would likely come to the conclusion that they are worthless. It could also have included a mother who was abusive in some way and made them feel worth less through physical, verbal or emotional abuse.
These experiences would have created beliefs in one’s mind and how one felt as a result of what happened could have stayed trapped in their body. It might be enough to change these beliefs that exist in the mind, but for others it will be important release the trapped feelings and emotions from their body.
This can be done with the assistance of therapist or healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and gradually release them.
It is an essential human need to be listened to and truly heard by others. This leads to a sense of validation and the experience of being mirrored. From the moment one is born this need is there and it will stay there until the moment they pass.
Although this need is essential to ones wellbeing, it doesn’t mean that one will always feel that other people are listening to them or that one will always listen to what others are saying. When it comes to being listened to, there is going to be higher expectations when it relates to friends, family or ones partner, then there will be to people who are casual acquaintances or relative strangers.
If people in the second group invalidate what one says or even ignore them, it could be frustrating and yet at a deeper level, one might understand that not everyone is going to truly listen to them.
To experience the same scenario with the people that one is closest to will lead to challenges; these could be short term challenges that are dealt with fairly quickly. Here, one might feel emotionally disconnected from the other person and then before long, the connection returns to how it was before.
This would be the ideal outcome and sometimes what is ideal doesn’t take place. In this instance, one could feel emotionally disconnected and unwilling to return to how things were. The relationship could be lost forever or never return to how it once was.
In the cases where one feels that another person is listening to them, whether it is someone they have just met or have known for ages, there will be commonalities. This will be person that is open to what one has to say.
Everything from their body language, to their facial expressions and the energy they are giving off will show this. One could share things that could be labelled as taboo, immoral or emotionally charged and still feel listened to.
So when someone has the ability to listen this way, it will lead to two benefits. On one side is what it will do for others and how they will feel: accepted, connected, understood and know that they can open up about anything.
And on the other side is what this will do for the person who listens without judgement or very little judgement. People will open up to this person and find it easy to trust them. So it should be easy for them to create deep and lasting relationships with others.
What might not happen for others or what could take ages, might take a matter of hours for this individual. To others it might be a mystery as to how they connect so easily and deeply with others. However, what they are doing is available to anyone who listens in the same way.
The first way is familiar to everyone and this is when ones awareness is primarily in their head. From this position, the mind is going to come up with all kinds of things and this will create distance and separation. This can include: judgements, interpretations, projections and comparisons.
Some of these will be vocalised and acted upon and others will stay inside. This will cause one to no longer be present and in touch with what the other person is communicating. If the other is aware, they will notice that the other person has ‘checked out’ and is no longer in the moment.
When ones awareness is in their heart more than it is in their head, they will listen in a completely different way. The separation and distance that is experienced in the mind will not be found here. What there will be is compassion and empathy and not judgements or interpretations.
And the other person will know that the other person is listening to them and is actually present. This is due to the heart being free from duality and therefore has nothing to do; one can then simply be with the other person.
Intimacy and connection are supported and enhanced through placing ones awareness in their heart; as opposed to creating conflict and a sense of disconnection through being in their heads.
A Different Approach
This not to say that one shouldn’t think or that being in ones heart is easy and straightforward. For some people, it might be relatively easy and for others it may be a struggle at first.
One factor can be how connected one is to their body and if one has a strong connection, this will be a lot easier. If one has trouble moving their awareness into their body and more importantly into their heart, then there could be some letting go to do.
When situations are not processed it can cause a build up in one’s body; this can include trapped emotions and feelings for example. And as these are still in one’s body, it can make it extremely difficult to get out of one’s head and into their body.
As the body becomes clearer, one’s mind will also begin to settle down and there will not be the same pressure to go into ones head all the time.
One may require the assistance of a therapist or healer to let go of what has built up within them. Or to engage in some kind of self study to help them learn about what is going on within then.
Although one may have the desire to act in a certain way or to achieve a certain goal, there can be challenges that get in the way. And one of those challenges is the need to gain permission from others. Now, this is not necessarily something that one looks for at a conscious level, it could be something one seeks unconsciously.
But even though one might not even be aware of this need, it can define what they do and what they don’t do in life. If one is conscious of this a solution can be sought and yet if they are unaware of this need, it can cause extreme self sabotage.
Progress will either be impossible or it will happen very slowly; simply because one is forever waiting to get the all clear from others. If this is gained, one can move towards what they want to achieve or act in a way that matches who they are and if not, then they will stay as they are.
There are typically two types of permission and one could be classed as essential and the other as limiting. In order for one to become a doctor or a nurse for example, they need to gain the right training and as a result of that, the qualifications that go with it.
For someone to claim to be a doctor and then start practicing on people would lead to serious problems. So one trains for many years to become a doctor and through this process, they gain permission to be a doctor.
This is not limiting or something that will lead to one giving up on their dreams. Unless one hasn’t got the motivation to be one of course, but in this case it is probably not what they truly want to be in life.
When it comes to someone wanting to behave in a way that is going to empower them and reflect their true nature, it is not necessary to gain permission from others. And the same applies to achieving a certain goal or mastering a specific skill.
One might have to learn different skills or study different things, but that is just a means to an end. When it comes to what they want to realise, the permission of others is irrelevant. This is not to say that someone is then immoral and will lead a life that is without concern for the welfare of others.
It means that one will not let other people define what they do or don’t not achieve. And permission will not be something that one seeks from others; it will be what they give to themselves.
There are all types of freedom that one can attain and this can include: to feel free within and financial freedom. But with those meanings aside, to need the permission of others in order to do anything is unlikely to result in freedom.
One will feel enslaved to the views of others and this means compromise. After gaining the all clear from another person or people in general, perhaps one could get things moving and do what they need to do.
At his point it could be too late and as the saying goes ‘tomorrow never comes’. So the more one puts something off and into the hands of another, the less chance there is that it will happen.
While there are going to be clear problems to living life this way, it can feel normal and how one should act. And not only if someone wants to become a fireman or a nurse for example, but in every area of life.
It could also be something that is so engrained into ones psyche that they are not even aware of their need for permission before they do anything. Now this is not something that just happened and one was simply born this way. There have been certain influences that have shaped ones outlook.
At its basic level, the need for permission comes down to the need for approval. And this is something that one first seeks as a baby and then continues to seek as an adult. To desire approval is not unhealthy per se, it all depends on how much approval one needs and how they go about fulfilling this need.
Just because one is physically an adult, emotionally they can still feel like a child. This can cause one to need an endless amount approval and to look for approval from the wrong people. So there is then no discernment; it can be a case of anyone’s approval will do.
Ideally, one would seek healthy approval from friends or family; people who appreciate, value and respect who one is. Not people who are strangers or who have not earned this right.
And the modern day society and the culture that it creates is partly a manifestation of this childlike need for approval. This is so wide spread, that it is easy to miss what is taking place. Because although having qualifications is essential in some areas, it is has gone on to become a mindset and a way of living life.
It can result in one giving their power and value to other human beings. So one will need to jump through all kinds of hoops and gain all kinds of external rewards just to feel worthy and good enough. Authority figures or experts are then the masters of one’s destiny, but it doesn’t even need to be people who are in positions like these.
This can relate to every area of one’s life and can define: how much money one feels they deserve; the kind of relationship that one thinks they deserve; the kind of career they have; who one can or can’t attract; if one is ready to achieve something and many others.
So one could have the desire to attract a certain man or women into their life and yet think that they need to have a certain body, look or live a certain lifestyle in order to attract them. When in reality, these are simply social constructs that one has come to believe they need in order to have what they want. Attaining these things can cause one to believe they now have permission.
If seeking permission is sabotaging ones growth, then something will need to be done. For some people it may be enough to become aware of how this is taking place and to make a conscious effort to trust their own judgements
When this is more of a challenge, it might be necessary to dig a little deeper and see what needs to be released from ones past. This could relate to trapped feelings and emotions in one’s body that have caused one to stay emotionally stuck.
The assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to face and release them will then be imperative.
For many years now it has been said that women grow up faster than men. And in some cases, they say that men are about ten years behind when it comes to emotional development. This is obviously not the case for all men, but there is often clear evidence to support this viewpoint.
Now there are all kinds of reasons as to why this is and some will be seen as the truth and others will be seen as opinions. One reason can be due to some women openly expressing how they feel and not repressing their emotions
Men on the other hand, often hide how they feel and wear a mask when it comes to what is going on emotionally. So as women keep more of an emotional flow, it lowers their chances of becoming emotionally stuck.
And through men holding in how they feel, it can cause them to stay emotionally stuck. It is then not natural for them to grow at an emotional level, what is natural is for them to stay as they are. So their emotional age could vary from them acting like a child or a teenager for instance.
But while it would be easy to focus solely on one gender being more emotionally evolved than the other and put it down to certain internal reasons, other factors have to be looked at. This can be: their childhood years, the society they live in and the kind of people they associate with on a regular basis.
In order for growth to occur in any area of life, there has to be some kind of pain involved. If there is no pain or if the pain is avoided in some way, then change is unlikely to take place. Ones level of growth could stay as it is, but it’s more likely to get worse.
Weight lifting is a perfect example: if one didn’t feel some kind of unease in relation to their body and therefore experience pain, then they wouldn’t bother doing it. This pain is then used as motivator to keep them going through the moments when it is tough and no results are being noticed.
So this pain is ultimately being channelled in a way that will enable one to grow and reach their goals for example. It is therefore an ally and not an enemy. But if one decided to remove this pain temporarily through over eating or drinking, then their body is not going to change.
The power and energy that pain provides ends up being covered up and instead one does their best to avoid pain and experience pleasure. And as there is no pain, one is not motivated to do anything.
In today’s world, the common societal approach is to cover up or to numb how one is feeling. Society is full of all kinds of options and choices when it comes to this. This process can happen so naturally that one might not even be aware of it.
The pain is then taken away and one can become disconnected from it for a while or lose all awareness of it. But although the emotional pain might have gone for ones conscious mind, it is still in their body and won’t just disappear.
The Build Up
This emotional pain could have built up since one was a baby and a child and continued to accumulate through ones adult years. And unless one forms a healthy relationship with their emotions and feelings during their childhood, it can mean that they never will.
The primary focus of formal education is to train people to think in certain ways and to remember things. It is not about one understanding who they are and how different aspects function.
So it is highly unlikely that one will learn about their emotions during these important years. If one has learned to repress how they feel from the moment they were born, then this pattern has very little chance of changing through mainstream education.
If one can simply avoid their emotions through engaging in one of the many options that society provides, there is no reason to emotionally grow up. One could learn about emotions themselves and do what they need to do to grow up. But the lure of avoiding them is often more appealing than dealing with them.
For some people, avoiding them could appear to be the only option available. And if someone is around other people who are emotionally undeveloped and there are no role models around of what emotional maturity looks like either, then how would one know any different.
Men And Women
As women are often more comfortable in expressing how they feel and men are not as comfortable, they can have the upper hand in emotionally growing up. Men can simply carry their emotional baggage behind the masks that they wear and are then unable to act in a way that matches their physical age or comes close to it.
And as growth doesn’t just happen, there is no reason why men should grow up. If it was part of the education system or men had to go through some kind of initiation, then it would be a different story.
All the time that one has trapped feelings and emotions in their body, regardless of if they are a man or a woman, it will be incredibly difficult to behave in an emotionally mature way. If one as felt like this for most of their life, then they might not even know that they are emotionally immature.
One way to emotionally grow up is to seek the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and release them. As this happens, ones emotional age will begin to catch up with their physical age.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?