If one hadn’t learnt now to drive and they had to rely on someone else to drive them everywhere, their life is going to be a lot harder than it would be if they could drive. This is because they won’t be able to go out when they want; they will only be able to go out when the only person is willing to take them out.
There will then be moments when they are able to do what they want to do and moments when this is not the case. Having said that, if one had their own personal driver, they would be able to go out whenever they wanted to. Restricted But while this would be the ideal, it is not going to be an option for them, and this means that they are likely to feel restricted. And although they could be grateful that someone is there to help them; they could still experience a lot of frustration. It is not going to be possible for them to lead the kind of life they want, and this will stop them from being able to grow. As they won’t be able to go out when they want, it will stop them from being able to have certain experiences. Experiences On one hand, these could be experiences that they would have with their friends, and on the other hand, it can be what would take place at a social event or some kind of course. The kind of experiences they will miss out on will all depend on what their needs are. However, even though one’s life can be limited through relying on someone else to drive them everywhere; it is not the only way it can be limited. Another way that one can be held back is when they look to other people for approval. Approval Before they do anything, they will need other people to give them the all clear, so to speak. Once they can see that other people support their decision, they might be able to take action. In this case, they are not waiting for someone else to give them a lift someone else; but they are still waiting for them to give them a mental and emotional lift. Without their support, one won’t be able to take action, or if they do, they could do what they think other people want them to do. Focus Their point of focus is going to be on other people, and this could then mean that they are out of touch with their own needs and feelings. What this will show is that one’s primary concern is what other people think. If other people say good things about them, they could end up feeling good about themselves. But if this is not the case, their mental and emotional state could soon start to change. Walking On Egg Shells It will be necessary for them to monitor their own behaviour, as this will be the only way for them to make sure they don’t offend anyone. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they will be walking on egg shells. They may believe that as long as they don’t offend anyone, they won’t have to suffer. Yet through doing this, it is not going to be possible for one to express their true-self; therefore, their whole life could be an expression of their false-self. Feedback This doesn’t mean that someone else will realise what is taking place, as they could see them as being easy going. It is then not that they are out of touch with themselves; it is that they are happy to be there for others. At the same time, someone could say that they don’t stand up for themselves, and they may believe that they are too easy going. They may say that only way they will experience true fulfilment is if they stop caring about what other people think. Balance One way of looking at this would be to say that it is important to be open to feedback from others; but that doesn’t mean that one should let them define their life. One would also experiences problems if they were unable to listen to feedback from others. It could be said that the ideal will be for one to be able to live their life whilst being able to listen to what other people have to say. This feedback can then play an important part in their growth and development. Only Words If one was to talk to someone about what is taking place for them, they may be told that they don’t need to worry about what other people think. For one thing, they are only words and one can’t be hurt by them. Along with this, they could say that it is not as if they are being physically attacked, and what they say is only their opinion. One could then be told that they need to change what they believe and to think differently, for instance. Wide Open Still, even though they are only words, one could feel as though they go straight through them. As a result, one is not going to simply hear things; they will feel as though their very survival is at risk. What this will show is that they are boundaryless, and this means that they are wide open at an energetic level. Thus, it is not so much about what is taking place in their mind as it is about what is taking place in their body. A Deeper Look When one feels exposed in life, it can be due to what took place during their early years. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected, and they may have had a caregiver that got too close to them. Through having these experiences, it wouldn’t have been possible for one to develop boundaries and to feel safe in their body. So whenever someone doesn’t show them approval, it will be interpreted as a threat to their existence. Awareness If this is something that one can relate to, it might be necessary for them to reach out for external assistance. This is something that can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one will be dealing with trauma and grieving unmet childhood needs.
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If one had a garden in front of their house that they wanted to protect, it might be a good idea for them to put a fence up. This is not to say that the fence would need to go all the way along, as it would be important for them to have a gate put it too.
Through having a gate put in, it will not only allow them to get in and out; it will also allow other people to get in and out. The alternative would be for one to only have a fence put up, and this would give them a greater level of protection. Point of Focus One could be in a position where the only thing they can think about is protecting their garden, and this could then stop them from thinking about having a gate put in. Based on what other people have been doing to their land, it might not be possible for them to think clearly. And even if someone else was to talk about how important is it for them to have a gate put in, it doesn’t mean that they would listen. They could ignore or dismiss what is said and their mind could cause them to focus on what they need to do to make sure nothing bad happens again. Just a Fence If one was to have a fence put in all the way around, they may believe that they have done the right thing. For one thing, it won’t be possible for anyone to intrude on their land, and this will stop them from having to suffer like they did before. This could be an experience that lasts for a number of hours; it might even go on for a number of days. However, there is likely to be a point in time when one starts to suffer in another way. Trapped What this will come down to is that even though one has protected their garden, they have also ended up cutting themselves of from others. It is now no longer possible for them to see other people let alone connect with them. So although they have got rid of one problem, they have end up creating another problem in the process. One can then carry on as they are, or they can have part of the fence removed so that they can connect with the world again. The Sensible Option If one was to keep things as they are, they will continue to suffer, and they may even end up losing their life. This is because they will be isolated from other people and they could soon run out of food. Therefore, the best thing they can do is to open up their garden again through having a gate put in. But even though this will be the sensible thing for them to do, it doesn’t mean that they will do it. An Example It could be said that it is highly unlikely that one would end up fencing themselves into their own house. For one thing, they would realise what would happen and so they wouldn’t allow this to take place. However, this doesn’t mean that one wouldn’t fence themselves off in other ways. One could be in a position where they keep other people at a distance, and they could do this without needing to have a fence around them. Protection Experiencing life in this way is likely to be what feels comfortable, and although other people may spend time with them, it will be a challenge for them to get close to them. Thus, even though one spends time with others, they may as well be by themselves. As a result of this, it might not matter how much they suffer, as it is not going to be possible for them to let anyone in. Other people could see them as being guarded, and they might wonder why they are this way. Out of Touch Having said that, they could generally be out of touch with their need to connect with others, and this will then mean that it won’t be a problem. During these moments, they will be comfortable with how their life is. But when they do have moments when they are aware of their need to connect with others, they could end up feeling angry and powerless. This could then be a sign that they are not aware of why they can’t connect with others and embrace life. Two Experiences If one experiences life in this way, it will be normal for them to feel as though they have no control over their life. And until they realise why they are experiencing life in this way, their outlook is unlikely to change. On the other hand, if one is aware of the fact that they only feel comfortable when they keep people at a distance they might not feel powerless. This is because they will realise that it’s not about other people; it’s about what is going on for them Opening Up When one is able to open up, their life is going to be far more fulfilling, and this is why it can be hard for someone to understand why they would build walls around themselves. However, in order for one to open up, they will need to feel as though it is safe for them to do so. And the reason they don’t feel safe enough to open up is likely to be because they are boundaryless. As they don’t feel as though they can protect themselves around others, they have no other choice than to keep other people at a distance. The Reason The reason one is boundaryless is likely to be due to what took place during their early years. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected, and one of their caregivers may have got too close to them. This would have stopped them from being able to develop a strong sense of self and they would feel wide open at an energetic level. So although their behaviour is causing them to suffer as an adult; there was a time when it kept them alive. Awareness In order for one to develop boundaries, it will be important for them to have the right support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will be dealing with trauma.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Boundaries: Can A Lack Of Boundaries Stop Someone From Being Able To Express Their True-Self?28/2/2016
On one side, one can be in a position where they are able to express their true-self, and on the other side, they can be in a position where this isn’t the case. At the same time, one could also find that it is possible for them to do this from time to time.
But if this is the case, it is likely to mean that one can only express themselves around certain people and during certain situations, and this going to have a negative effect on their life. So whether one is unable to be themselves or they can only do this on the odd occasion, it is going to cause them to suffer. Part of Life There is the chance that one will have experienced life in this way for as long as they can remember, and this could then mean that they have to come to believe that there is nothing they can do. If this is the case, it will cause them to suffer; but that will be as far as it goes. However, one could also find that they are unwilling to experience life in this way for much longer and this may cause them to look for answers. It could then be said that they will be a taking a more proactive approach. Depressed Whereas when one doesn’t take this approach and continues to experience life in the same way, they will be tolerating what is taking place. As a result of this, they could end up seeing themselves as a victim. And while they may be used to feeling angry; they may also have moments when they feel depressed. This can be a reflection of the fact that one feels as though they have no control over what is happening in their life. A Symptom But even though one only feels depressed because they can’t express their true-self, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. This can mean that one will end up trying to treat a symptom as opposed to the cause. Through taking this approach, one could end up feeling better even though their life hasn’t changed. One way of looking at this would be to say that one has lost touch with the feedback that they need to change their life. Feedback The pain that they were experiencing was not bad per se; it was simply there to let them know that something wasn’t right. So through removing this pain, it will stop them from being aware of the fact that something isn’t right. This will then stop one from being able to change their life, but while it would be easy to say that they have wrong approach; they are simply a product of their environment. In today’s world, pain is often seen as something that needs to be removed, and not as something that needs to be understood. The False-Self And if one is living in a way that goes against who they are, it is to be expected that they will end up suffering in one way or another. In this sense, the pain they are experiencing can be seen as their ally as opposed to their enemy. When one is around others, they are likely to find that they generally behave how other people want them to behave, or how they think they want them to behave. Thus, their needs and feelings are going to end up being overlooked. Disconnected One will then be aware of what s taking place within them, but that will be as far as it goes. And when they are not longer around others, they could end up wondering why they were unable to be themselves. On the other hand, one could also be out of touch with what is taking place within them, and this could even be the case when they are by themselves. During this time, they could just feel angry and down. Another Consequence This could also mean that it is not possible for one to have a fulfilling career, and even if they are doing something that is fulfilling, they may find that they can only get so far. If they were able to express themselves, it would be a lot easier for them to move forward. Approval And if one was to think about why they behave as they do, they may find that they need other people’s approval. As a result, they may believe that their life would soon change if this was no longer the case. Based on this, if they were to reach out for support, they may look for a way to let go of this need. This could then be a time where they will change what they believe, and they could also begin to think differently. The Body However, while one’s life could change through placing their attention on their mind, this might not be enough. One could find that the reason they are unable to express their true-self is because they don’t feel safe. Therefore, it could be a sign that they need to focus on their body and not their mind. If they were to get in touch with their body, they may feel as though they are exposed, and it could then be said that they are boundaryless. Boundaries So as one doesn’t feel as though it is safe for them to be themselves, it is to be expected that they won’t be able to express their true-self. The energetic boundary that would have allowed them to feel safe doesn’t exist, and until they feel safe in their body, it might not matter what takes place in their mind. The Reason When one experiences life in this way, it can be due to what took place during their childhood years. During their early years, one may have been abused/and or neglected, and they may have had a caregiver that got too close to them. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for external support, and this can come from a therapist and/or a support group. This is likely to be a time where one will be dealing with trauma, among other things.
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If one is in a position where they are not as slim as they would like to be, it is not going to be hard for them to find other people who are having the same experience. And this is because this is something that a lot of people struggle with.
The Media For one thing, the mainstream media often talks about certain celebrity’s who are unable to keep their weight down; with there being times when they have their ideal weight and times when they don’t. Along with this, they also focus on the ones who were slim and ended up gaining a lot of weight. And if they are not talking about celebrities, they can talk about how this is something that effects normal people. Not Alone Thus, one only needs to a read paper or a magazine, for instance, to see that they are not the only ones in this position. Having said that, they might not even need to go this far, and this is due to the fact that they may know a few people who have the same problem. When they are around these people, they could talk about how frustrating it is to carry more weight than they need to carry. In fact, they could feel as though they can relax when they are around these kinds of people. One Step Further There is also the chance that most of their friends are in the same position, and this can then show that it’s because they feel comfortable with them. One may find that they can be themselves around them, and that they don’t need to put on an act. And while they may give each other the support they need when it comes to losing weight, this might not the case. Instead, they could come to believe that there is nothing wrong with their weight. Two Sides Therefore, when one is around people who have the same problem as them it could end up having a positive effect on their life. The support that they receive from someone like this can make it easier for them to lose weight. However, if one comes to believe that there is nothing wrong with their weight, it could cause them to go against their true needs. But all the time they are around these people, it might not be possible for them to realise this. Health Along with this, it could also set one up to have health problems; however, this is something that can all depend on how much excess weight they are carrying. For example, there is naturally going to be a difference between carrying a few extra pounds and a hundred pounds. The General Approach But if one wanted to lose weight, there is a strong chance that they would end up going on some kind of diet. And this could be something that has taken place on a number of occasions. If one spends most of their life on a diet, they may have a certain diet that they go on, or they might have been on a number of different ones. Through doing this, they may find that even though they lose weight when they are on the diet; they soon gain it when they come off. Round in Circles There can then be moments in their life when they have their ideal weight and moments when they don’t. As a result of this, they could wonder if it is really worth all the effort, and during these moments, they could feel hopeless. This could then mean that they end up eating more than they need to (or the wrong kinds of food) and gain a few more pounds in the process. One can then feel even worse and this can then cause them to eat again, and this whole process can continue to play out. Acceptance But if one was in a position where they were overweight and this was something that caused part of them to feel uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean that they will do anything about it. They could find that another part of them feels comfortable this way. And this part could be a lot stronger than the part of them that wants them to lose weight. This is not to say that one is going to be aware of these two parts, but it is something that will control their life nevertheless. Protection There are a number of reasons why one would be in a position where they are unable to keep their weight down and/or feel comfortable being overweight, and one of the reasons why they would be this way is because it is a way for them to protect themselves. So when this weight is not on their body, they will end up feeling exposed. Thus, it is wont matter how it makes them look or the effect it has on their self-esteem and health, as their own survival is going to take precedence. Another way of looking at this would be to say that one is boundaryless, and their body is using what it can to protect them from harm. Boundaries When one hasn’t developed boundaries, it is likely to be due to what took place during their childhood years. This may have been a time when someone got too close to them, and they may also have been abused and/or neglected. As their boundaries were not respected, it would have stopped them from being able to develop them. At an energetic level, they will be wide open, and while carrying excess weight is going to have a negative effect on their life; it can be seen as the only way for them to protect themselves. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This is likely to be a time where one will be dealing with trauma, among other things.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to drive somewhere that wasn’t too far away, they wouldn’t need to have a lot of fuel in their car. However, if they wanted to go somewhere that was over an hour away, for instance, this wouldn’t be the case.
But as long as they took the time to get the fuel they needed, this wouldn’t be a problem. Having said that, if it wasn’t possible for them to put fuel in their car they wouldn’t be able to get there. The Only Option The only thing they would be able to do would be to go somewhere locally, or to stay at home. In this sense, it could be said that they will have to compromise, and this is not going to be as fulfilling. Now, if this was something that took place from time to time, it might not bother them, but if it was to happen all the time, it would be harder for them to handle. What would also make this harder to handle was if one’s car had run out of fuel and this stopped them from going anywhere. Everyday Life This is then similar to how one can also suffer when they are unable to receive what they need to receive in life. On one hand, this can mean that they are able to receive from time to time and on the other hand, it can mean that this is something that rarely takes place. As a result of this, their life is going to be a lot harder than it needs to be, and they could be used to suffering in one way of another. Yet even though one is unable to receive, it doesn’t mean that they realise this. One Outlook Instead, one can believe that they are unlucky or less fortunate than others, and this can then mean that they see themselves as a victim. It is then not that they can’t receive; it is that the world is stopping them from being able to have their needs met. Their outlook could also be supported by some of the people they spend time with, as well as the people who they come across in the world. If someone supports their outlook, it could because they experience life in the same way. Random But if that is not the case, it could a sign that they believe that people have very little control when it comes too how they experience life. So if someone is in a position where they get their needs met, they could believe that they are one of the lucky ones. Thus, it will be normal for them to see people who experience life differently as being the unlucky ones. Therefore, while someone like this will be able to display empathy, they are not going to be able to assist them. Alternatively At the same time, one could be in a position where they have moments where they feel like a victim and moments when they don’t. And when they don’t feel as though they have no control over their life, they could realise that they are playing a part in what is happening. During this time, they wonder why part of them wants to receive and another part of them doesn’t. In general, they could find that the part of them that doesn’t want to receive is the strongest part. Overwhelmed When this part of them takes over, they may find that they end up feeling overwhelmed when they receive something. Or they could feel this way when there is the chance that this is something that may take place. This could also mean that they prefer to keep people at a certain distance, and they may prefer to spend time by themselves. But if they are able to settle down, this may soon change, and they could then be drawn to others. Relationships Another way of looking at this would be to say that this can be something that will have a negative effect on one’s relationships. This could mean that it is not possible for them to experience intimacy. Other Areas Along with this, one could also find that they can only get so far when it comes to their career. At a deeper level, this can be seen as something else that will cause them to experience too much pressure. For one thing, they will have to commit to certain things and to have experiences that will cause them to lose themselves. Through not being able to embrace life, so to speak, it can also have an effect on their ability to be supported financially. Conflict Being able to receive is a vital part of life, and this is why it can be hard for one to understand why it would be such a problem. However, if one feels overwhelmed when they receive, it is going to be normal for them to keep life at bay. The trouble is that while this is what feels comfortable, it is going to cause them to suffer unnecessarily. What this can show is that one doesn’t feel safe in their body, and this then sets them up to reject life. Boundaries As result of this, they are not going to be able to receive, and this is likely to show that they are boundaryless. At an energetic level, they are going to be completely exposed, and unless this changes, they life is unlikely to change. A Deeper Look When one experiences life in this way, there is a strong chance that it’s because of what took place during their early years. During these years, they may have been abused and/or neglected, and they may have had a caregiver that got too close to them. So through being violated on a regular basis, they wouldn’t have been able to develop boundaries. The only way they would have been able to protect themselves would have been to keep their distance. Awareness In order for one to open up to life, it will be important for them to reach out for external support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This is likely to be a time where one will be dealing with trauma.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If someone is given the opportunity to do something, it will be up to them to decide if they want to go along with it. This is not to say that they can’t talk to other people about it; what it means is that they are the only ones who know if it is right for them.
One could be in a position where they are ready to embrace the opportunity that is in front of them, and it is then not going to be necessary for them to think about it for a while or to get other peoples feedback. And after they have made their decision, they are likely to believe that they have done the right thing. A Choice Through having this outlook, it could be said that they didn’t say yes because they had to; they said yes because they wanted to. This could mean that one generally behaves in this way, and it could then be said that they are able to stand their ground in life. As one is able to say yes, there is also the chance that they are also able to say no, and this is going to mean that they have the right balance. For one thing, it is often said that being able to say no is more important than being able to say yes. The Reason When one says yes, it can mean that they are going along with what someone else wants; whereas when they say no, it can mean that they are not going along with what someone else wants. In the first instance, one can end up receiving approval and in the second instance; they can end up losing out on approval. Therefore, one can be under a lot more pressure when they say ‘no’ than when they say ‘yes’, and this is why it can be a lot harder for them to say ‘no’. In general, the easiest thing for one to do can be to say yes. Approval This is why it is important for one to be in a position where they don’t have a strong need for approval. If one does have a strong need for approval and they want to change how they experience life, they could talk to someone who is able to say no. During this time, they may tell them that nothing bad will happen if they do, and that if they value themselves, it will be the obvious thing for them to do. And through being able to say no, they may tell them that this will allow them to say yes. More Than a Word This is not to say that they can’t say ‘yes’ already; what it comes down to is that it will mean something when they say it. On the other hand, if they were only able to say ‘yes’, it would be meaningless. Thus, when people hear the word ‘yes’, they will know that they are not just saying it. However, if they hadn’t heard them say ‘no’; it might not be possible for them to have this outlook. Needs Ultimately, when one has the ability to use both words, it will allow them to pay attention to their own needs. And through being able to pay attention to them, it will give them the chance to fulfil them. Through having this ability, their life is going to be far more fulfilling than it would be if this wasn’t the case. Now, this is not to say that everyone will approve of their behaviour, but this is part of life. Support The people who will support them are likely to be the ones they are close to, and this is because they are likely to have the same outlook. One will expect their friends to be honest and their friends will expect them to be honest. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that it will be this way with their family members. If this is the case, it could be due to the fact that their family expects them to say yes all the time. Loss But regardless of this, they are not going to be prepared to lose themselves in order to please their family, or a certain family member. What this shows is that no matter what they do, they will lose something. And through valuing themselves, it is going to be possible for them to make sure that they don’t have a tendency to ignore their own needs. If they stood up for themselves in the past, they may have been overwhelmed with guilt. Another Experience If one does have a strong need for approval and they speak to someone who tells them it is ok for them to stand their ground, they may find that their life soon changes. Or if this doesn’t take place and they were to read up how they need to be more assertive, for instance, they could also experience a similar outcome. During this time, they are primarily going to be focused on what is taking place in their mind and on their behaviour. However, while this approach may work for some people, it is not going to work for everyone. Exposed One could find that they only feel safe when they do what other people want (or what they think they want), and this is likely to be a sign that they don’t feel safe. Pleasing other people is then going to be a way for them to protect themselves. If they were to get in touch with their body, they may find that they feel exposed, and this is then likely to mean that they are boundaryless. What this shows is that they haven’t been able to develop an energetic boundary, and it is then going to be normal for them to feel wide open. The Reason When one is boundaryless, it is likely to be a sign that their developmental needs were not met during their younger years. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected, as well as been around someone who got too close to them. After having these kinds of experiences, it is to be expected that one would find it hard to express themselves. Their main priority will be to do everything they can to stop themselves from being harmed again. Awareness If this is something that one can relate to, it will be important for them to be supported by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
On one side, there are said to be people who like to spend a lot of time around others, and on the other side, there are said to be people who don’t. Another way of looking at this would be to say that there are introverts and extroverts.
But while some people will see themselves in this way; there are also going to be people who don’t. If they were asked how they would describe themselves, they might not be able to identity with either of them. A Bit of Both They could say that there are times in their life when they want to be around others and times in their life when this is not the case. As a result of this, it would be inaccurate to say that they are an extrovert or an introvert. However, this is not to say that they will want to spend as much time with others as they do by themselves. There is the chance that they will prefer to spend more time with others than they do in their own company, or vice versa. Different Periods Also, this doesn’t mean that their needs will always be the same, as there could be certain periods in their life when they need to experience life differently. During these moments, they may find that they need to be around others more or they could take a step back because they need to spend less time around others. It could be said that this is a normal part of life, and how it is to be expected that someone’s needs are not always going to be the same. And there are going to be a number of reasons as to why this is. The Reasons It is often said that the sun brings people out, and so one may prefer to go out more when it’s warmer. Thus, during the colder months, they will end up having less contact with other people. What can also play a part here is if one has gone through a breakup or if a loved one has passed on. This could be something that brings one in, or they may end up needing more stimulation than they usually do. Months or Years If one has the need to take a step back from how they used to be, they may find that it is only a matter of months before they need to be around others again. At the same time, this might not be long enough, and they may end up being this way for over a year. What this shows is that not everyone is the same, and just because one responds differently to something, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. It simply shows that they are responding differently, and during this time, it will be important for them to be compassionate towards themselves. One Side However, even though one can be in a position where they prefer less contact with others; they can also be in a position where they do everything they can do avoid it. And when they are around others, they may or may not have a lot to say. It could then be said that the only time one feels comfortable is when they are by themselves. And this could be how they have been for as long as they can remember, or it might be a fairly recent occurrence. Normal When one has experienced life in this way for quite some time, they might not even think about why they are this way. It could just be seen as who they are, and the people around them could also see it as a reflection of their personality, for instance. But if they were to think about why they behave in this way, it could cause them to end up feeling angry. They could see people who do embrace life and wonder what it would be like; another way of saying this is that they may look up to the people who experience life differently. A Recent Occurrence On the other hand, if one has only just started to behave in this way, it might be hard for them to understand what is going on. As a result of this, the people around them could also wonder why they have changed. And if they were to think about what is going on or if someone else was to ask them, they might not be able to find an answer. Part of them will then have the need to hide and another part of them will have the need to embrace life. Conflict The part of them that is the strongest is likely to be the part of them that wants to hide, and this is going to cause them to experience conflict. When one behaves in this way, it is going to mean that a lot of their needs end up being overlooked. In fact, they could be so concerned with avoiding others that they don’t even think about their other needs. But unless they are able to feel comfortable around others, this is something that is not going to change. Boundaries What this can show is that they are boundaryless, and this is why they don’t feel comfortable around others. Their body will feel exposed and avoiding others will be a way for them to feel safe. But regardless of whether one has felt this way for most of the life or if it is a fairly recent occurrence, it is likely to come down to what took place during their childhood years. So if this is a fairly recent occurrence, it could be because what took place during their childhood years has been brought up to the surface. Early Years During these years, it wouldn’t have been possible for one to develop boundaries, and this is likely to be a sign that they were abused and/or neglected. Along with this, there may have been someone around at this time that got too close to them. These experiences would have left them feeling incredibly vulnerable, and the only way for them to feel safe would have been to hide. Therefore, unless their body feels different, it is going to be a challenge for them to embrace life. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for external support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This is likely to be a time where they will be dealing with trauma, among other things.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to lie down in a crowded place, there is a strong chance that they would end up being walked over. And it wouldn’t matter whether someone wanted to walk over them or not, as they wouldn’t have much choice.
However, this is not to say that one needs to do this in order to be walked over by others, as this is something that can take place if they haven’t got any boundaries. And while this can mean that other people will walk over their body, it is more likely to mean that they will be effected in others ways. True-Self One is likely to find is that it is not possible for them to express their true-self, and this is because they will feel the need to go along with what other people want. It is then going to be normal for their own needs and feelings to be ignored. On one hand, they might be aware of what is taking place within them, and on the other hand, they could be disconnected from this part of themselves. Yet regardless of whether they are aware of what is taking place within them, it won’t matter. Pressure When they are around others, they could experience an incredible amount of pressure and anxiety, and this will make it harder for them to relax. This can mean that they are focused on what they can do to please others. They may also find that they end up behaving how they think other people would like them to behave. As a result, they can lose themselves before someone else tries to take advantage of them. Unaware Therefore, while there are going to be people who take advantage of them; this is not always going to be the case. Someone could just come into contact with them and believe that one’s behaviour reflects who they are. It is then not that someone else has tried to walk over them; it is that one has simply fallen into a role. And when one falls into a role, it is likely to come down to the fact that it is what feels safe. A Role When this happens, one could come across as easy going and only too happy to help others. Or they could come across as though they are quiet or shy, and this can then be seen as what they are like. And although one may only drop into a role around certain people; it could be what they are like around everyone they meet. In the eyes of others, it is then going to be seen as who they are as opposed to a role they play to feel safe. Anger Through being waked over by others, it can be normal for one to feel angry, and this could mean that they are used to experiencing rage and even hate. The reason for this is that their anger would have built-up over time, and while it could be something they experience from time to time; it could be something that they experience on a regular basis. Still, this doesn’t mean that one will show how they feel around others, as this could be something that they only reveal when they are by themselves. But if they don’t get angry during this time, it could mean that they end up feeling depressed. For Example If their true feelings do come out around others, they could come out in destructive ways. There could be moments when they come across in a passive aggressive manner, or they might lose their temper for a short time. Thus, there can be moments where they feel like a victim and moments where they cause others to feel like a victim. And once they have settled down again, they might end up feeling guilty. Career When it comes to one’s career, they may work somewhere that doesn’t fulfil them, and this could also be an environment where they are taken advantage of in some way. On the other hand, they may be in a position where they have been able to progress, but it is not possible for them to hold their ground. For example, they could be a manager or have some kind of leadership position and find they can’t do their properly. During the times when they need to act assertively, for instance, they could deteriorate. Relationships Along with this, they might be in a relationship where their partner takes over and doesn’t allow them to be themselves. There is also the chance that it is far worse, and this could mean that they are with someone who is abusive. But if they are not with someone, it could be because they have had a number of relationships that were not very fulfilling. Avoiding intimacy can then be a way for them to protect themselves. Mental Strength If one was to get to a place where they were no longer willing to experience life in the same way, they may end up reaching out for support. This could be a time where they hear about how they need to work on their ‘mental strength’. Through taking this approach, it will give them the ability to ‘control’ the feelings and thoughts that arise, and this will then allow them to stand up for themselves. Along with this, they might come across information that talks about the importance of changing what they believe. The Body However, while there is the chance that this approach will work, there is also the chance that it won’t. This is because the reason why people walk over them might be due to what is taking place in their body as opposed to their mind. If they were to get in touch with how they feel in their body, they may find that they feel exposed. Another way of looking at this will be to say that they are boundaryless, and this can then be why they don’t feel comfortable standing their ground. A Deeper Look When one hasn’t developed boundaries, it can be a sign they were abused and/or neglected during their younger years. This could also have been a time when someone got too close to them. These experiences would then have stopped one from being able to develop boundaries, and they would have caused one to believe that their survival rests on putting other people’s needs first. Therefore, unless one is able to feel safe in their body, it will be a challenge for them pay attention to their own needs and feelings. Awareness If this is something that one can relate to, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this can be from a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
In today’s world, it is not uncommon for one to hear about how they shouldn’t be a people pleaser. This may have been something one has come through reading books on self development, or they may have heard about it after reading articles online, for instance.
But if this wasn’t the case, it may have been something that they have heard from the people they know. Nevertheless, one may find they have the same outlook, and this could then be a sign that they are not a people pleaser. The Right Outlook When one thinks about being one, they may think about how it wouldn’t be possible for them to live their own life. And that they would always need to neglect their own needs in order to fulfil other people’s needs. If one was to reflect on their own life, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. At the same time, there may have been a time in their life where they were a people pleaser. Pain Through experiencing life in this way, one is going to be only too aware of what it is like to always focus on other peoples needs. This is likely to mean that they experienced a lot of pain during this time. However, this is not to say that other people always realised that they were ignoring their needs. The reason for this is that one may have come across as though they had it all together, and this would have stopped a lot of people from seeing what was taking place. Career For example, one may have been in a position where they had a very successful career, and this may have meant that certain people saw them as an example to follow. Along with this, one may have acted as though they were doing something they enjoyed. But while this is how they came across to others, it may have been a different story when they were by themselves. Yet if this wasn’t the case, it may have been because they avoided their true feelings, and this could have meant that they had a number of escapes. Waking Up Still, regardless of what was taking place in their life, they were able to step back and to see that they were on the wrong track. This is not to say that this happened overnight, but it is something that did happen. And although part of them may have been in a place of resistance, another part of them was no longer prepared to experience life in the same way. During this time, they may have had people who supported them, as well as people who didn’t. Loss One may have thought about how even though they would probably lose a few people, it was something that was worth doing. They may have come to this conclusion through thinking about how it wasn’t possible for them to be themselves. It was then a case of putting other people happiness first, or putting their own happiness first. Based on this, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to avoid loss; it was more about what they were prepared to lose in order to live a fulfilling life. Support And in order for them to get from where they were to where they are, they may have reached out for support. This could have been provided through the books that they read, or they may have worked with another person, for instance. What this comes down to is that there is no such thing as a ‘one size fits all’ approach, and this is because there can be a number of reason as to why someone would behave in a certain way. This is partly why self-understanding is so important, as it will give one the chance to find out what approach they need to take. A Way of Life However, even though one could agree with the outlook above, it doesn’t mean that they are able to pay attention to their own needs. On one hand, they will have the need to fulfil their own needs, and on the other hand, they will feel the need to always fulfil other people needs. And the part of them that is the strongest is going to be the part that always feels the need to please other people. As a result of this, one could feel as though they have no control over their life, and they may find that they are used to feeling like a victim. Self-Expression Therefore, no matter how they come across to other people, it is not going to be possible for them to live their own life. Their life is not only going to be an expression of how other people want it to be; it will also be an expression of how they think other people want it to be. One could find that there are moments in their life where they don’t even know what their needs are. In fact, this could be something that they have become accustomed to, and this is to be expected; especially as they are so concerned with other people’s needs. Moving Forward Now, if one was to reach out for support with this, they may be told that they need to look into what is taking place in their mind. They could come across information that goes into how they will need to change what they believe, and they may hear about how it will be important for them to work on their ‘self-esteem’, among other things. Through taking this approach, one may find that their need for approval gradually begins to diminish. Yet at the same time, they may find that even though they have worked on their mind; they still don’t feel comfortable putting their needs first. Boundaries If this is the case, the reason why one doesn’t feel comfortable putting their needs first could be because they are boundaryless. Through feeling so exposed, it is going to be normal for one to feel that it is not safe for them to live their own life. When one has boundaries, it will allow them to feel safe in their body, and as a result, putting their needs first won’t be seen as something that would put their survival at risk. This is because boundaries not only give one the ability to say yes as no; they also allow them to feel safe enough to express their true-self. The Reason If one doesn’t have boundaries, it can be due to what took place during their childhood years. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected, and they may have been around people who got too close to them. Through being treated in this way, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to develop boundaries. From a young age, they would have learned that their survival rests on putting other people’s needs first. Awareness If this is something that one can relate to, it will be important for them to reach out for support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may be grieving unmet childhood needs and dealing with trauma.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there are some people who get angry from time to time; there are others who are angry almost all the time. Yet this is not to say that there are only two categories, as there are going to be others who are rarely, if ever angry.
When one experiences life in this way, they could believe that there is no reason for them to get angry, and the people around them could see them as an inspiration. But even though someone who doesn’t get angry can be seen as more developed than someone is more or less always angry, it doesn’t mean that this is the case. A Reason What this comes down to is that human beings have the ability to experience anger for a reason, and it could be said that the primary reason they can experience it is to protect themselves. So whenever one feels as though they are being taken advantage of or violated, it will be normal for them to experience anger. Now, this is not to say that one needs to be controlled by their anger; what it means is that it is important for them to be connected to this part of themselves. Through having this connection, they will be able to pay attention to the information that is being provided. For Example If one is in touch with their anger and their boundaries are crossed, they would realise what has taken place. It would then be possible for them to take action, and this may mean that one has to step away and/or to speak up, for instance. However, if one was not in touch with their anger, they might not even realise what has taken place. Thus, there would be no reason for them to do anything, and this could then mean that it will be normal for them to be walked over. Containment In the first example, one is in not going to be controlled by their anger; they will simply pay attention to the information that is being provided. Another way of looking at this would be to say that their anger is contained. But in the second example, there is going to be no reason for them to contain anything, and this is because they are not going to experience anger. What they could find is that they experience fear instead, and this will cause them to retract within themselves. Sense of Self As a result of this, one will lose themselves and they will end up being controlled by someone else. And on the other hand, if one can contain their anger they are not going to lose themselves and they are not going to feel the need to control someone else. They will be maintaining their own boundaries and they will have no interest in trying to take advantage of anyone else. On the other hand, if one is unable to control their anger, it could be normal for them to violate other people’s boundaries. The Opposite Experience This is not to say that they won’t experience fear like the person above; what it mean is that they won’t be in touch with this part of themselves. Through being overwhelmed by anger, it will cause them to feel empowered. One can then have no idea where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. Through not being able to contain their anger, it will be challenge for them to think clearly. Regret But once their anger has subsided, they may start to think about why they behaved as they did, and this could mean that they experience regret. What could make it even harder for them to handle their behaviour is if it is something that takes place on a regular basis. Having said that, there is also the chance that they won’t experienced regret, and this would show how caught up they are. One could believe that they don’t have any other choice and there will then be no reason for them to feel bad about their behaviour. One Option However, if one was aware of how destructive their behaviour is and they wanted to do something about it, they might end looking into how they can control their anger. And while they could read a few books, they could also have some kind of therapy or caching. During this time, they may come to believe that the reason they get so angry is because of what is taking place in their head. Thus, in order for them to settle themselves down, it will be important for them to ‘think differently’. Exposed After applying what they have learnt, they may find that they begin to settle down, and this will then allow them to carry on with their life. At the same time, one may find that this doesn’t have much of an effect on them, and this could be a sign that they need to focus on their body as opposed to their mind. If they were to take the time to connect with their body, they may find that they feel expose, and through experiencing anger, it stops them from feeling so vulnerable around others. If this is the case, it going to mean that they haven’t developed boundaries. Boundaries On one level, boundaries allow one to say yes and no, as well as to know where they begin and end and where others begin and end, and on another level, they will allow them to feel safe in their body. Therefore, having boundaries allows one to feel safe at an energetic level. So if one doesn’t have boundaries, it is going to be normal for them to feel extremely vulnerable around others, and through being angry, it stops them from having to face how they feel at a deeper level. Based on this, it is not going to be enough for them to simply change their thoughts. Early Years When one is in a position where they haven’t developed boundaries, it can be due to what took place during their childhood years. During this time, they may have been abused in some way. This is not to say that one would been physically abused, as they may have been around people who got too close to them. Either way, their boundaries wouldn’t have been respected and this would have stopped them from being able to develop them. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where they will be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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