If someone is given the opportunity to do something, it will be up to them to decide if they want to go along with it. This is not to say that they can’t talk to other people about it; what it means is that they are the only ones who know if it is right for them.
One could be in a position where they are ready to embrace the opportunity that is in front of them, and it is then not going to be necessary for them to think about it for a while or to get other peoples feedback. And after they have made their decision, they are likely to believe that they have done the right thing. A Choice Through having this outlook, it could be said that they didn’t say yes because they had to; they said yes because they wanted to. This could mean that one generally behaves in this way, and it could then be said that they are able to stand their ground in life. As one is able to say yes, there is also the chance that they are also able to say no, and this is going to mean that they have the right balance. For one thing, it is often said that being able to say no is more important than being able to say yes. The Reason When one says yes, it can mean that they are going along with what someone else wants; whereas when they say no, it can mean that they are not going along with what someone else wants. In the first instance, one can end up receiving approval and in the second instance; they can end up losing out on approval. Therefore, one can be under a lot more pressure when they say ‘no’ than when they say ‘yes’, and this is why it can be a lot harder for them to say ‘no’. In general, the easiest thing for one to do can be to say yes. Approval This is why it is important for one to be in a position where they don’t have a strong need for approval. If one does have a strong need for approval and they want to change how they experience life, they could talk to someone who is able to say no. During this time, they may tell them that nothing bad will happen if they do, and that if they value themselves, it will be the obvious thing for them to do. And through being able to say no, they may tell them that this will allow them to say yes. More Than a Word This is not to say that they can’t say ‘yes’ already; what it comes down to is that it will mean something when they say it. On the other hand, if they were only able to say ‘yes’, it would be meaningless. Thus, when people hear the word ‘yes’, they will know that they are not just saying it. However, if they hadn’t heard them say ‘no’; it might not be possible for them to have this outlook. Needs Ultimately, when one has the ability to use both words, it will allow them to pay attention to their own needs. And through being able to pay attention to them, it will give them the chance to fulfil them. Through having this ability, their life is going to be far more fulfilling than it would be if this wasn’t the case. Now, this is not to say that everyone will approve of their behaviour, but this is part of life. Support The people who will support them are likely to be the ones they are close to, and this is because they are likely to have the same outlook. One will expect their friends to be honest and their friends will expect them to be honest. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that it will be this way with their family members. If this is the case, it could be due to the fact that their family expects them to say yes all the time. Loss But regardless of this, they are not going to be prepared to lose themselves in order to please their family, or a certain family member. What this shows is that no matter what they do, they will lose something. And through valuing themselves, it is going to be possible for them to make sure that they don’t have a tendency to ignore their own needs. If they stood up for themselves in the past, they may have been overwhelmed with guilt. Another Experience If one does have a strong need for approval and they speak to someone who tells them it is ok for them to stand their ground, they may find that their life soon changes. Or if this doesn’t take place and they were to read up how they need to be more assertive, for instance, they could also experience a similar outcome. During this time, they are primarily going to be focused on what is taking place in their mind and on their behaviour. However, while this approach may work for some people, it is not going to work for everyone. Exposed One could find that they only feel safe when they do what other people want (or what they think they want), and this is likely to be a sign that they don’t feel safe. Pleasing other people is then going to be a way for them to protect themselves. If they were to get in touch with their body, they may find that they feel exposed, and this is then likely to mean that they are boundaryless. What this shows is that they haven’t been able to develop an energetic boundary, and it is then going to be normal for them to feel wide open. The Reason When one is boundaryless, it is likely to be a sign that their developmental needs were not met during their younger years. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected, as well as been around someone who got too close to them. After having these kinds of experiences, it is to be expected that one would find it hard to express themselves. Their main priority will be to do everything they can to stop themselves from being harmed again. Awareness If this is something that one can relate to, it will be important for them to be supported by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
0 Comments
On one side, there are said to be people who like to spend a lot of time around others, and on the other side, there are said to be people who don’t. Another way of looking at this would be to say that there are introverts and extroverts.
But while some people will see themselves in this way; there are also going to be people who don’t. If they were asked how they would describe themselves, they might not be able to identity with either of them. A Bit of Both They could say that there are times in their life when they want to be around others and times in their life when this is not the case. As a result of this, it would be inaccurate to say that they are an extrovert or an introvert. However, this is not to say that they will want to spend as much time with others as they do by themselves. There is the chance that they will prefer to spend more time with others than they do in their own company, or vice versa. Different Periods Also, this doesn’t mean that their needs will always be the same, as there could be certain periods in their life when they need to experience life differently. During these moments, they may find that they need to be around others more or they could take a step back because they need to spend less time around others. It could be said that this is a normal part of life, and how it is to be expected that someone’s needs are not always going to be the same. And there are going to be a number of reasons as to why this is. The Reasons It is often said that the sun brings people out, and so one may prefer to go out more when it’s warmer. Thus, during the colder months, they will end up having less contact with other people. What can also play a part here is if one has gone through a breakup or if a loved one has passed on. This could be something that brings one in, or they may end up needing more stimulation than they usually do. Months or Years If one has the need to take a step back from how they used to be, they may find that it is only a matter of months before they need to be around others again. At the same time, this might not be long enough, and they may end up being this way for over a year. What this shows is that not everyone is the same, and just because one responds differently to something, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. It simply shows that they are responding differently, and during this time, it will be important for them to be compassionate towards themselves. One Side However, even though one can be in a position where they prefer less contact with others; they can also be in a position where they do everything they can do avoid it. And when they are around others, they may or may not have a lot to say. It could then be said that the only time one feels comfortable is when they are by themselves. And this could be how they have been for as long as they can remember, or it might be a fairly recent occurrence. Normal When one has experienced life in this way for quite some time, they might not even think about why they are this way. It could just be seen as who they are, and the people around them could also see it as a reflection of their personality, for instance. But if they were to think about why they behave in this way, it could cause them to end up feeling angry. They could see people who do embrace life and wonder what it would be like; another way of saying this is that they may look up to the people who experience life differently. A Recent Occurrence On the other hand, if one has only just started to behave in this way, it might be hard for them to understand what is going on. As a result of this, the people around them could also wonder why they have changed. And if they were to think about what is going on or if someone else was to ask them, they might not be able to find an answer. Part of them will then have the need to hide and another part of them will have the need to embrace life. Conflict The part of them that is the strongest is likely to be the part of them that wants to hide, and this is going to cause them to experience conflict. When one behaves in this way, it is going to mean that a lot of their needs end up being overlooked. In fact, they could be so concerned with avoiding others that they don’t even think about their other needs. But unless they are able to feel comfortable around others, this is something that is not going to change. Boundaries What this can show is that they are boundaryless, and this is why they don’t feel comfortable around others. Their body will feel exposed and avoiding others will be a way for them to feel safe. But regardless of whether one has felt this way for most of the life or if it is a fairly recent occurrence, it is likely to come down to what took place during their childhood years. So if this is a fairly recent occurrence, it could be because what took place during their childhood years has been brought up to the surface. Early Years During these years, it wouldn’t have been possible for one to develop boundaries, and this is likely to be a sign that they were abused and/or neglected. Along with this, there may have been someone around at this time that got too close to them. These experiences would have left them feeling incredibly vulnerable, and the only way for them to feel safe would have been to hide. Therefore, unless their body feels different, it is going to be a challenge for them to embrace life. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for external support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This is likely to be a time where they will be dealing with trauma, among other things.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
On the Ellen DeGeneres show Ronda Rousey opened up about the experience that she had after losing to Holly Holm. During this interview, she said that she wanted to kill herself after the fight.
Along with this, she thought she was nothing and that no would care about her anymore. After I saw this clip, I was curious as to why she would have this experience, and it also made me think about what her early years were like. My Opinion I then thought it would be a good idea for me to take a deeper look into why Ronda had this experience. So that which is contained within this article is based on my own views; it is not to be taken as the truth. For one thing, I have never met her, and along with this, I have nothing against who she is or what she does. The intention of this article is to simply take a deeper look at what may have caused her to have this experience. Up Until This Point When Ronda lost, it was a massive upset, and this was primarily because so many people expected her to win. And the reason why so many people expected her to win was due to the fact that she hadn’t lost a fight before. If someone was into MMA, there is the chance that they would have been familiar with her opponent, but if this wasn’t the case, they might not have known who she was. Whereas when it came to Rhonda; it wouldn’t have mattered whether someone was into MMA or not, as she was already a household name. Her Outlook During the weigh in, Ronda rushed over to Holly and it was clear to see that she was full of confidence and aggression. So even if someone didn’t get the chance to hear about Ronda’s views before the fight, this moment would have been enough to give them a good idea as to what her outlook was. And if they were to listen to what she said a few moments later, it would have been clear that she didn’t expect to lose. One way of looking at it would be to say that she believed it was only a matter of time before she would beat Holly. The Outcome However, even though she acted as though she was going to win, this was not something that took place, and for the first time in her professional career, she lost a fight. Once she got into the medical room, she was not in a good place. But she said in the interview that the mental and emotional experience she had afterwards was short-lived. This was because her partner was in the same room, and she had to stay alive to have children with him. To The Surface Now, it is clear to see that this was a challenging experience, and it was a good thing that she had someone there to support her. However, while what was going on within her may have been caused by what happened; there is also the chance that part her inner experience had just been triggered by the experience. In this case, it could relate to something that has happened to her in the past, and although time has passed, the consequences of the experience/s haven’t been dealt with. But through being out of touch with what took place, it could cause her to believe that it related to the fact that she lost a fight. Loss If what may or may not have happened in the past is put to one side and we focus on the experience itself, it could be said that it is to be expected that she would have suffered. For one thing, the identity that she had developed was based on her being a winner. And now that she had lost a fight, she could no longer see herself in the same way, and not only did this effect how she felt about herself, it also had an effect on how she thought other people would see her. It could then be said that the reason she wanted to die was because her life no longer had the same meaning it had before, and this may have meant that she thought her life was meaningless. A Cover Up What this can also show is that she believes that her value is based on what she does as opposed to who she is. If this wasn’t the case, it might have been easier for her to handle the loss. Another way of looking at this would be to say that she was using success as a way to avoid her true feelings. This can be a sign that she is carrying toxic shame, and this will cause her to feel as though she is inherently flawed. Hard to Handle But as toxic shame is an inner experience that is incredibly painful to handle, it can be normal for someone to disconnect from how they feel. Achieving external success is then a way for someone to disconnect from this part of themselves. During her time in the medical room, she may have got back in touch with how she feels at a deeper level. But through using her willpower and by having someone else there, it wouldn’t have been long until she was able to disconnect from this part of herself. The Cause Toxic shame is something that can be the result of what has happened in someone’s adult life and it can also be due to what took place during their childhood years. So this could mean that there was a time in her life when she experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. Suicidal Thoughts And while toxic shame can cause someone to have suicidal thoughts, it is not the only thing that can have this effect. While it is unclear as to what Ronda’s childhood was like, it has been said that her father committed suicide when she was eight years old. Understandably, this was an experience that had a profound effect on her, and it is said she took up judo to take her mind of what happened. When her father took his life, she may have felt as though her life had come to an end and that she had no reason to live, and this could be how she felt when she lost her fight. Loyalty Also, the reason she felt suicidal could be a sign that the childlike part of her has the need to be loyal to her father. And out of this loyalty, she wants her life to end so she can be with him. This is something that is talked about in family constellations, and it comes down to the need to bring balance to the family system and to take on what hasn’t been acknowledged. With this being something that is done out of love; the trouble is that this love is often unconscious. Conclusion What this shows is that there could be a number of reasons as to why she had this experience. Fortunately, she is in a position where she has the support and the resources that she needs to get back on track. If her life is being affected by what took place in the past, it might be necessary for her to reach out for support. This could be from a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was going out for the evening, there is a strong chance that they will end up using perfume. And while this could mean that they were going on a date, this might not be the case.
There is the chance that they are simply going to spend time with a few friends, and this can then mean that they are not trying to impress anyone. What this shows is how normal it is for someone to use it. Part of Life In fact, one could wear perfume all the time, and it is then not going to matter where they are or what they are doing. Thus, it is going to be the same as one using deodorant or brushing their teeth in the morning, for instance. In this sense, each day is going to be seen as a special occasion, and although other people might pick up on how they smell, it could be something that doesn’t have much on an effect on them. This is not to say they can’t smell it; what it can come down to is that they have just got used to it. Special Occasions On one hand, one could use the same perfume all the time, and on the other hand, they could use a few different ones. For example, if one was to always use it, they could use one in the day and another one for when they go out Along with this, one may also have another one that they use for special occasions. This is then going to be similar to how one wouldn’t wear the same clothes all the time. Responses When one uses it all the time and it stands out to the people they see on a regular basis, it could be because they have gone from one perfume to another. Another way of looking at this would be to imagine someone who always wears a suite; they would be seen as someone who is smart, but the people around them would be used to seeing them dressed in this way. Yet this is not going to be the case when they are around people they don’t know. Three Reactions The people they know may like the perfume they wear, or they may find that it is s bit too much for them. Having said that, it might not have much of an effect on them, and it then won’t bother them if one uses it on the odd occasion or all the time. However, if one doesn’t always use the same one, the responses they get from the people they know could change. On the other side of this will be the kind of responses they get from the people they don’t know, and it could be said that one will want the responses that they get from others to be positive. Attention For example, if one was single and they wanted to be in a relationship, they may hope that their perfume has a positive effect on the gender that they are attracted to. It is then not just something they wear to smell good; it is something they wear to attract their ideal mate. What this shows is how perfume can be seen as something that will allow someone to improve their love life. And so if they are unable to attract someone into their life, they might end up changing their perfume. Hard To Believe There are likely to be some people who will find it hard to understand how someone could believe that they can increase their success by changing their perfume, and it could be said that this shows how much attention is given to what is taking place externally. And how in today’s world, it can be the exception for someone to look at what is taking place within them. Along with wearing the right perfume, one can also have the need to wear the right clothes and for their hair to be in a certain style. It is clear to see that these elements are important and at the same time, there are other elements that will also play a part. Inner World The time and effort that one puts into their appearance could end up being wasted if they don’t pay attention to what is taking place within them. However, if one was to attract someone into their life, they might not realise this until a certain amount of time has passed. This comes down to the fact that it can take a while for someone to show their true colours. Thus, if the other person was to change, they could wonder how this could happen; especially as they have the right appearance. Another Approach It will then be necessary them to not only pay attention to what is taking place within them, but to also change or to let go of what they no longer need. If they have beliefs that no longer serve them, they can change them, and if they have an emotional build-up, it can be processed, for instance. However, while one can use perfume to simply smell good, or to attract a mate, they can also use it to do something else. Through using a certain amount (and one could use a lot), it can allow one to hide themselves. Deception Yet this is not to say that one will actually realise what is taking place, as it could be something that they are generally unaware of. In their mind, it could just be something that they use to. Using perfume is then going to be similar to how one can wear a mask if they don’t want to show their true-self. The mask they wear can’t be seen and it can’t be felt, but it still has the same effect. Put Off the Scent The scent they give off can then throw people off their true scent and it can allow them to create a certain impression. It could also be seen as an invisible wall that one has constructed around themselves. If one didn’t wear as much, it would give people the chance to get a sense of their own unique scent. But if one was to cut down or to no longer wear it, they could end up feeling exposed. Awareness If one can relate to this and they no longer want to hide behind their perfume, it might be necessary for them to reach out for external support. This could be a time where they need to develop boundaries and to change how they feel about themselves. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group may be need here.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to lie down in a crowded place, there is a strong chance that they would end up being walked over. And it wouldn’t matter whether someone wanted to walk over them or not, as they wouldn’t have much choice.
However, this is not to say that one needs to do this in order to be walked over by others, as this is something that can take place if they haven’t got any boundaries. And while this can mean that other people will walk over their body, it is more likely to mean that they will be effected in others ways. True-Self One is likely to find is that it is not possible for them to express their true-self, and this is because they will feel the need to go along with what other people want. It is then going to be normal for their own needs and feelings to be ignored. On one hand, they might be aware of what is taking place within them, and on the other hand, they could be disconnected from this part of themselves. Yet regardless of whether they are aware of what is taking place within them, it won’t matter. Pressure When they are around others, they could experience an incredible amount of pressure and anxiety, and this will make it harder for them to relax. This can mean that they are focused on what they can do to please others. They may also find that they end up behaving how they think other people would like them to behave. As a result, they can lose themselves before someone else tries to take advantage of them. Unaware Therefore, while there are going to be people who take advantage of them; this is not always going to be the case. Someone could just come into contact with them and believe that one’s behaviour reflects who they are. It is then not that someone else has tried to walk over them; it is that one has simply fallen into a role. And when one falls into a role, it is likely to come down to the fact that it is what feels safe. A Role When this happens, one could come across as easy going and only too happy to help others. Or they could come across as though they are quiet or shy, and this can then be seen as what they are like. And although one may only drop into a role around certain people; it could be what they are like around everyone they meet. In the eyes of others, it is then going to be seen as who they are as opposed to a role they play to feel safe. Anger Through being waked over by others, it can be normal for one to feel angry, and this could mean that they are used to experiencing rage and even hate. The reason for this is that their anger would have built-up over time, and while it could be something they experience from time to time; it could be something that they experience on a regular basis. Still, this doesn’t mean that one will show how they feel around others, as this could be something that they only reveal when they are by themselves. But if they don’t get angry during this time, it could mean that they end up feeling depressed. For Example If their true feelings do come out around others, they could come out in destructive ways. There could be moments when they come across in a passive aggressive manner, or they might lose their temper for a short time. Thus, there can be moments where they feel like a victim and moments where they cause others to feel like a victim. And once they have settled down again, they might end up feeling guilty. Career When it comes to one’s career, they may work somewhere that doesn’t fulfil them, and this could also be an environment where they are taken advantage of in some way. On the other hand, they may be in a position where they have been able to progress, but it is not possible for them to hold their ground. For example, they could be a manager or have some kind of leadership position and find they can’t do their properly. During the times when they need to act assertively, for instance, they could deteriorate. Relationships Along with this, they might be in a relationship where their partner takes over and doesn’t allow them to be themselves. There is also the chance that it is far worse, and this could mean that they are with someone who is abusive. But if they are not with someone, it could be because they have had a number of relationships that were not very fulfilling. Avoiding intimacy can then be a way for them to protect themselves. Mental Strength If one was to get to a place where they were no longer willing to experience life in the same way, they may end up reaching out for support. This could be a time where they hear about how they need to work on their ‘mental strength’. Through taking this approach, it will give them the ability to ‘control’ the feelings and thoughts that arise, and this will then allow them to stand up for themselves. Along with this, they might come across information that talks about the importance of changing what they believe. The Body However, while there is the chance that this approach will work, there is also the chance that it won’t. This is because the reason why people walk over them might be due to what is taking place in their body as opposed to their mind. If they were to get in touch with how they feel in their body, they may find that they feel exposed. Another way of looking at this will be to say that they are boundaryless, and this can then be why they don’t feel comfortable standing their ground. A Deeper Look When one hasn’t developed boundaries, it can be a sign they were abused and/or neglected during their younger years. This could also have been a time when someone got too close to them. These experiences would then have stopped one from being able to develop boundaries, and they would have caused one to believe that their survival rests on putting other people’s needs first. Therefore, unless one is able to feel safe in their body, it will be a challenge for them pay attention to their own needs and feelings. Awareness If this is something that one can relate to, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this can be from a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
In today’s world, it is not uncommon for one to hear about how they shouldn’t be a people pleaser. This may have been something one has come through reading books on self development, or they may have heard about it after reading articles online, for instance.
But if this wasn’t the case, it may have been something that they have heard from the people they know. Nevertheless, one may find they have the same outlook, and this could then be a sign that they are not a people pleaser. The Right Outlook When one thinks about being one, they may think about how it wouldn’t be possible for them to live their own life. And that they would always need to neglect their own needs in order to fulfil other people’s needs. If one was to reflect on their own life, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. At the same time, there may have been a time in their life where they were a people pleaser. Pain Through experiencing life in this way, one is going to be only too aware of what it is like to always focus on other peoples needs. This is likely to mean that they experienced a lot of pain during this time. However, this is not to say that other people always realised that they were ignoring their needs. The reason for this is that one may have come across as though they had it all together, and this would have stopped a lot of people from seeing what was taking place. Career For example, one may have been in a position where they had a very successful career, and this may have meant that certain people saw them as an example to follow. Along with this, one may have acted as though they were doing something they enjoyed. But while this is how they came across to others, it may have been a different story when they were by themselves. Yet if this wasn’t the case, it may have been because they avoided their true feelings, and this could have meant that they had a number of escapes. Waking Up Still, regardless of what was taking place in their life, they were able to step back and to see that they were on the wrong track. This is not to say that this happened overnight, but it is something that did happen. And although part of them may have been in a place of resistance, another part of them was no longer prepared to experience life in the same way. During this time, they may have had people who supported them, as well as people who didn’t. Loss One may have thought about how even though they would probably lose a few people, it was something that was worth doing. They may have come to this conclusion through thinking about how it wasn’t possible for them to be themselves. It was then a case of putting other people happiness first, or putting their own happiness first. Based on this, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to avoid loss; it was more about what they were prepared to lose in order to live a fulfilling life. Support And in order for them to get from where they were to where they are, they may have reached out for support. This could have been provided through the books that they read, or they may have worked with another person, for instance. What this comes down to is that there is no such thing as a ‘one size fits all’ approach, and this is because there can be a number of reason as to why someone would behave in a certain way. This is partly why self-understanding is so important, as it will give one the chance to find out what approach they need to take. A Way of Life However, even though one could agree with the outlook above, it doesn’t mean that they are able to pay attention to their own needs. On one hand, they will have the need to fulfil their own needs, and on the other hand, they will feel the need to always fulfil other people needs. And the part of them that is the strongest is going to be the part that always feels the need to please other people. As a result of this, one could feel as though they have no control over their life, and they may find that they are used to feeling like a victim. Self-Expression Therefore, no matter how they come across to other people, it is not going to be possible for them to live their own life. Their life is not only going to be an expression of how other people want it to be; it will also be an expression of how they think other people want it to be. One could find that there are moments in their life where they don’t even know what their needs are. In fact, this could be something that they have become accustomed to, and this is to be expected; especially as they are so concerned with other people’s needs. Moving Forward Now, if one was to reach out for support with this, they may be told that they need to look into what is taking place in their mind. They could come across information that goes into how they will need to change what they believe, and they may hear about how it will be important for them to work on their ‘self-esteem’, among other things. Through taking this approach, one may find that their need for approval gradually begins to diminish. Yet at the same time, they may find that even though they have worked on their mind; they still don’t feel comfortable putting their needs first. Boundaries If this is the case, the reason why one doesn’t feel comfortable putting their needs first could be because they are boundaryless. Through feeling so exposed, it is going to be normal for one to feel that it is not safe for them to live their own life. When one has boundaries, it will allow them to feel safe in their body, and as a result, putting their needs first won’t be seen as something that would put their survival at risk. This is because boundaries not only give one the ability to say yes as no; they also allow them to feel safe enough to express their true-self. The Reason If one doesn’t have boundaries, it can be due to what took place during their childhood years. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected, and they may have been around people who got too close to them. Through being treated in this way, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to develop boundaries. From a young age, they would have learned that their survival rests on putting other people’s needs first. Awareness If this is something that one can relate to, it will be important for them to reach out for support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may be grieving unmet childhood needs and dealing with trauma.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When one thinks about the opposite gender, they may start to think about some of the men/women that they know. Through doing this, they could reflect on what they are like and the kind of qualities they they bring to the world.
One could then see that there are things that they can do that someone else can’t do, or it could be the other way around. Along with this, one may find that some of these people have similar qualities to them. Respect But regardless of whether this is the case; they could still find that they respect these people. As a result, one is not going to see themselves as being in competition with the people they know of the opposite gender. And while some of these people could be their family members; there are others who could be their friends and colleagues, for instance. This is not to say that they will have this outlook when it comes to every man/woman they know. Part of Life It could be said that this is to be expected, and this is because it is not going to be possible for one to feel connected to every man/woman they come into contact with. Not only that, they are likely to find that they can’t stand to be around some of them. So while they will feel good when they think about some of the men/women they know; this is not always going to be the case. If they were to reflect on why they feel different, it could be due to a number of reasons. The Reasons One may start to think about how someone doesn’t take the time to greet them, doesn’t listen to them or talks down on them, for instance. Through behaving in this way, one could find it hard to spend time with them. But if they do spend time with them, they could find they it has a negative effect on their well-being. And although this outlook relates to the opposite gender, it is likely to be an outlook they would have if even if these people were the same gender. Behaviour What this then shows is that the challenges they have with the people of the opposite gender relates to their behaviour as opposed to anything else. Thus, is these people were to change, one may find that their outlook changes. This is also emphasised by the fact that there are people of the opposite gender who they respect. However, if one had this outlook when it came to every member of the opposite sex, it would be a sign that it relates to something deeper. The Superior Gender When it relates to something deeper, it could be a sign that one believes that the opposite gender is not at the same level as their gender. As a result of this, it won’t matter whether a man/woman changes their behaviour. Ultimately, they are going to be seen as inferior, and this means that it won’t matter how they behave or what they bring to the world. Also, one may say that it is not simply something they believe; it could be seen as the truth. Support Their outlook could also be backed up by some of the people they spend their time with, and this will give them the validation they need. But even if they don’t have people around them who support them, there is a strong chance that they will be able to find this support on the internet. This comes down to the fact that there will be plenty of information online that supports their outlook, and this will also give them the chance to speak to like-minded people. Therefore, as long as one has some kind of device, they can receive the support they want no matter where they are. More Evidence If one is fairly convinced that they have the right outlook, they will be supported by going online. But even if one is not completely convinced that they are right, this could soon change. What this comes down to is that as long as they are open to the idea that one gender is superior to the other, it will be a lot easier for them to be conditioned. It is then similar to someone who only goes shopping to buy a few things and ends up coming home with bags of things; they wanted to buy things and they were in an environment where this could take place. Open and Closed When it comes to information that supports their view, they will be only too happy to hear about it. Yet when it comes to information that goes against their view; there is not much of them being able to take it in. It will then be normal for them to ignore or to dismiss anything that goes against their outlook. So unless they are willing to change, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to see life differently. A Closer Look If someone was able to look into when one first developed the outlook that one gender is superior to the other, they may find that it took place in their older years. But at the same time, it may have be the result of what took place during their younger years. During this time, their same sex parent may have treated their opposite sex parent as though they were worthless. Or they may have been abused and/or neglected by their opposite sex parent. Consequences If the former took place, it would have caused one to be falsely empowered, and this is because they would have ended up developing a dysfunctional idea of the opposite sex. The parent who looked down on the other parent would have been disconnected from their own shame. But if the latter took place, it would have caused one to feel as though they were inferior, and in order to avoid feeling this way, they would have gone to the other extreme. The parent who abused and/or neglected them would have also been disconnected from their own shame. Awareness If one can relate this and wants to get back in touch with their own humanity, it might be necessary for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While someone can have moments where they take care of their own needs and the needs of others, they can also experience life differently. What this means, is that they can be in a position where they only focus on their own needs or on other people’s needs.
Balance Life is about give and take and so if one only operates from one side of the spectrum, they are going to be out of balance. But if one has experienced life in this way for quiet some time, they might not even realise this. It could just be how life is and there is then going to be no reason for them to do anything about it. This is not to say that one will be pleased with how their life is; what it means is that it will be what is normal. Selfish If one only thinks about themselves, they are going to end up having people around them who are also out of balance. This could be because they have people in their life who ignore their own needs and focus on other people’s needs. One is then going to be getting more than they give and the people around them are going to be giving more than they get. Based on how they are experiencing life, they might believe that there is no reason for them to change. More Important They could believe that their needs are more important than other people’s needs, and it is then not going to be possible for them realise that they are out of balance. Through behaving in this way, it could mean that one doesn’t have any close friends, and the relationship they do have might not last for very long. It might be hard for someone to see why anyone would be drawn to them to begin with, and this is not much of a surprise. The reason why people are drawn to them is because their behaviour is likely to be different in the beginning. A Facade One way of looking at this would be to say that they know how to draw people in and once they are in, they can reveal their true colours. Through having the ability to draw people in, it may be relatively easy for them to attract the opposite gender into their life. Therefore, whoever ends up falling for their charm is likely to wonder how they could be so naive. Yet even though they may want to walk away from them, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to. Two Sides On one hand, they could be only too aware of how unhealthy the other person is, and that it would be in their best interest to walk way. And on the other hand, they may feel the need to stay with them. If one is in this position or has a pattern of attracting people who are only concerned with their own needs, it would be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This could mean that their needs were overlooked during their childhood years, and this would have set them up to feel ashamed of their needs. Another Experience When one experiences life in this way, it could be said that they don’t realise what someone is like in the beginning. They expect them to stay the same and when this doesn’t happen, they end up feeling let down. Alternatively, one could be in a position where they are attracted to people who are suffering in one way of another. They are not going to end up being deceived and this is because the other person is not putting on an act. Incapable The people they are attracted to are likely to come across as incapable and one is likely to come across as capable. Therefore, even though one will end up putting other people needs first and ignoring their own; it’s not as if they are being taken advantage of. Ultimately, they are aware of what they are getting themselves into and if they were to feel like a victim, it would show that they lack self-awareness. Still, it might be normal for them to feel angry and as though other people take advantage of their ‘good nature’. Selfless When someone puts their needs to one side and focuses on other people’s needs, it would be easy to say that they are selfless. It is then not that they are ignoring their own needs; it is that they don’t have any. But although one can look as though they are needless, this is likely to be a sign that they don’t feel comfortable with their own needs. If they didn’t overlook their own needs, this wouldn’t be the case. Inner Conflict If one was to take a step back and look into why they ignore their own needs, they may come to see that they don’t feel comfortable with them. Rescuing others is then an indirect way for them to get their needs met. So although they want to get their needs met, this is not something that they feel comfortable with. This then causes them to experience inner conflict, and until this conflict is resolved, it is going to be a challenge for them to get their needs met. A Deeper Look The reason why they experience inner conflict when it comes to their needs is likely to be due to what took place during their childhood years. This may have been a time where they had to focus on their caregivers needs, and this would have meant that their developmental needs were overlooked. Having needs would have been something for them to be ashamed off and if they showed them, they may have been neglected and/or abused. The only hope they had of getting their needs met may have been to please the people around them. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While someone could say that they hate a certain type of food, for instance, they can also say that they hate the opposite gender. It one could relate to the first example (or if they hated something similar), it is unlikely to have much of an effect on their life.
However, if they were in a position where they hated the opposite gender, it is likely to have a greater effect on their life. And this is because although they will be able to avoid a certain type of food; it is highly unlikely that they will be able to avoid the opposite sex. Two Sides On one side, there are men who hate women, and on the other side, there are women who hate men. When a woman hates men she will be described as a misandrist, and when a man hates women he will be described as misogynist. But while a different word is used in each case, there is the chance that people will be more familiar with the word that is used when a man hates women. In fact, there are likely to be a lot of people who don’t even know what word to use when it comes to describing a woman that hates men. Point Of Focus It could be said that one of the primary reasons why someone would be more familiar with the word that is used to describe women who hate women is because it is commonly used in today’s world. This is not to say that people hear it all the time in their everyday life, as it can be something they can hear about online, for instance. On a number of occasions, they may have come across comments or articles that talk about how men are ‘misogynists’. Not only this, they may have come across a lot of information that talks about how men are the problem in today’s world. One Response If a woman was to come across this kind of information, she might wonder what is going on, and this could be a sign that she knows that not all men are the same. As a result of this, she could come to believe that the women who say that men hate women are actually the ones who hate men. And how they are not talking about men in general; they are talking about the experiences they have had with men. If could be said that this is a fairly accurate assessment, and this is because human beings see the world with their mind and not their eyes. A Reflection Therefore, one is not simply an observer of reality; they are playing an active role in how they experience reality. Thus, if one meets people who are the same, it is going to be a clear sign that they need to look at what is taking place within them. However, if one is unaware of what is taking place in their mind and body, and they are out of touch with their own behaviour, it is going to be a challenge for them to realise why they experience life as they do. So while every experience that they have can be seen as yet more evidence that they are right; it is nothing more than a reflection of what is taking place within them. Another Response Alternatively, a woman could come across this kind of information and find that it matches up with her own reality. Along with this, she could also be someone who shares information about how bad men are. Through having this outlook, there is going to be a strong chance that the people she spends her time with also have the same outlook. The kind of experiences that they have with men are not going to be seen as a reflection of what is taking place within them; they are going to be seen as a reflection of what men are like. Another way of looking at it would be to say that they see themselves as being nothing more than an observer of life. Disconnected It can then be normal for them to believe that they see life through their eyes and not their mind. But if they were connected to what is taking place within them, it would allow them to see what is taking place. However, as they are not connected to what is taking place within them, it is not possible for them to realise why they are experiencing life as they are. One way of looking at this would be to say that they are unable to take responsibility for their own issues, and this then sets them up project their problems onto men. Stepping Back If someone was to look into why a woman would hate men, they might look into how they have been influenced by their society. Along with this, it would also be important for them to look in what their childhood was like. But while what takes place after their childhood years is going to be important, it is not going to be as important as their childhood. This is because if a woman had a healthy relationship with at least one man during her formative years, she is less likely to hate men as an adult. Childhood Years So when a woman ends up hating men, it can be because she was abused by a man during her childhood years, and there is the chance that there wasn’t a man around during this time who treated her with respect. Through having these emotionally charged experiences with a man, it may have caused her to hate men. But if this didn’t take place, it could mean that there wasn’t a man around during her formative years. Instead, she may have had a mother who blamed all her problems on her father who wasn’t around. One-Sided Not only this, her mother may have also said that all men are the same, and this would have meant that she received an inaccurate idea of men. In reality, the experiences her mother had with men were simply a reflection of what was taking place within her. But as there wasn’t a well-adjusted man around to show her that not all men are the same, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to realise that her mother’s experiences were not the truth. Therefore, the experiences that she is having with men as an adult are not her own experiences; they are her mother’s experiences. And there is also the chance that her mother was experiencing life in the same way as her mother did. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she wants to experience life differently, it might be necessary for her to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, she could be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma. There is also the chance that she will feel the need to hold onto her outlook out of the need to be loyal to her mother, and this might then mean that it will necessary for her to have a family constellation.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there are some people who get angry from time to time; there are others who are angry almost all the time. Yet this is not to say that there are only two categories, as there are going to be others who are rarely, if ever angry.
When one experiences life in this way, they could believe that there is no reason for them to get angry, and the people around them could see them as an inspiration. But even though someone who doesn’t get angry can be seen as more developed than someone is more or less always angry, it doesn’t mean that this is the case. A Reason What this comes down to is that human beings have the ability to experience anger for a reason, and it could be said that the primary reason they can experience it is to protect themselves. So whenever one feels as though they are being taken advantage of or violated, it will be normal for them to experience anger. Now, this is not to say that one needs to be controlled by their anger; what it means is that it is important for them to be connected to this part of themselves. Through having this connection, they will be able to pay attention to the information that is being provided. For Example If one is in touch with their anger and their boundaries are crossed, they would realise what has taken place. It would then be possible for them to take action, and this may mean that one has to step away and/or to speak up, for instance. However, if one was not in touch with their anger, they might not even realise what has taken place. Thus, there would be no reason for them to do anything, and this could then mean that it will be normal for them to be walked over. Containment In the first example, one is in not going to be controlled by their anger; they will simply pay attention to the information that is being provided. Another way of looking at this would be to say that their anger is contained. But in the second example, there is going to be no reason for them to contain anything, and this is because they are not going to experience anger. What they could find is that they experience fear instead, and this will cause them to retract within themselves. Sense of Self As a result of this, one will lose themselves and they will end up being controlled by someone else. And on the other hand, if one can contain their anger they are not going to lose themselves and they are not going to feel the need to control someone else. They will be maintaining their own boundaries and they will have no interest in trying to take advantage of anyone else. On the other hand, if one is unable to control their anger, it could be normal for them to violate other people’s boundaries. The Opposite Experience This is not to say that they won’t experience fear like the person above; what it mean is that they won’t be in touch with this part of themselves. Through being overwhelmed by anger, it will cause them to feel empowered. One can then have no idea where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. Through not being able to contain their anger, it will be challenge for them to think clearly. Regret But once their anger has subsided, they may start to think about why they behaved as they did, and this could mean that they experience regret. What could make it even harder for them to handle their behaviour is if it is something that takes place on a regular basis. Having said that, there is also the chance that they won’t experienced regret, and this would show how caught up they are. One could believe that they don’t have any other choice and there will then be no reason for them to feel bad about their behaviour. One Option However, if one was aware of how destructive their behaviour is and they wanted to do something about it, they might end looking into how they can control their anger. And while they could read a few books, they could also have some kind of therapy or caching. During this time, they may come to believe that the reason they get so angry is because of what is taking place in their head. Thus, in order for them to settle themselves down, it will be important for them to ‘think differently’. Exposed After applying what they have learnt, they may find that they begin to settle down, and this will then allow them to carry on with their life. At the same time, one may find that this doesn’t have much of an effect on them, and this could be a sign that they need to focus on their body as opposed to their mind. If they were to take the time to connect with their body, they may find that they feel expose, and through experiencing anger, it stops them from feeling so vulnerable around others. If this is the case, it going to mean that they haven’t developed boundaries. Boundaries On one level, boundaries allow one to say yes and no, as well as to know where they begin and end and where others begin and end, and on another level, they will allow them to feel safe in their body. Therefore, having boundaries allows one to feel safe at an energetic level. So if one doesn’t have boundaries, it is going to be normal for them to feel extremely vulnerable around others, and through being angry, it stops them from having to face how they feel at a deeper level. Based on this, it is not going to be enough for them to simply change their thoughts. Early Years When one is in a position where they haven’t developed boundaries, it can be due to what took place during their childhood years. During this time, they may have been abused in some way. This is not to say that one would been physically abused, as they may have been around people who got too close to them. Either way, their boundaries wouldn’t have been respected and this would have stopped them from being able to develop them. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where they will be grieving unmet childhood needs and working through trauma.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|